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3x3 Lunch in front of killer whale

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My White Whale".


SEA WORLD -- DAY Sean and Elliot are at a table at an outdoor, tank-side café. Sean's reading the paper.

J.D.'s Narration: Today started out like any other day....

Sean: Ohhh. Dolphins won again.

Elliot: Mmm.

Sean: Here you go.

He holds the paper out to the tank. A killer whale surfaces and "reads" it.

Sean: I'm gonna be hearing about this all day.

The whale grumbles.

Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- HALL Dr. Cox and Jordan are walking through.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox and Jordan are still looking for a pediatrician....

Dr. Cox: This time, try not to scare off the doctor.

Jordan: I did not scare off the last guy!

Dr. Cox: You bit him.

Jordan: I _tripped_ and my teeth hit his shoulder.

Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. And once that happened, did you clamp down a little bit?

She's conspicuously silent.

Dr. Cox: Jordan!

Jordan: Well--

Dr. Cox: Oh, you come on!

Jordan: Well, he had a bad attitude!

Continue to... DOCTOR'S OFFICE Cox and Jordan enter the room full of children. At the center is a doc, Dr. Norris to be specific, talking to a little boy through a puppet.

Dr. Norris: [puppet voice] Zachary, remember what Mr. Cookiepants always says about blowing your nose: [sings] "If it's clear, have no fear; if it's bloody, come see your buddy!" [notices Cox and Jordan] What do you want?

Jordan: Well, we're looking for a new pediatrician for our son....

Dr. Norris: And you figured that, even though my patient load is full, since you're on the board of directors and Dr. Cox here is not only an attending at the hospital but also an internationally renowned pain-in-the-ass, you both could show complete disregard for my schedule and make me want to cause you grievous bodily harm even before we were properly introduced...? Helloooo. I'm Dr. Norris.

Jordan shakes his hand.

Jordan: Charmed.

Meanwhile... HALL J.D. is resting a form against the wall as he fills it out.

J.D.'s Narration: Like I said: Same ol', same ol'.

The Janitor comes up and jerks the form away from J.D., causing his pen's path to slip onto the wall.

Janitor: Heh-hah-hah. You drew on the wall. [realizes] You drew on the wall!

J.D.: You pulled the paper away!

Janitor: Stop lyin'. It's gonna come off, right?


A teenage J.D. is in a headlock, a very familiar pen looming near his face.

J.D.: Dan, don't! That's dad's indelible space pen! And prom is in like two weeks!

Cut to... FRONT PORCH A tuxedoed teenage J.D. rings the bell. A couple answers.

J.D.: Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Shefford. I' to pick up Amy for...prom.

We see how unnecessary that distinction was, as J.D. has P R O M ! scribbled on his forehead.


J.D.: Yeah, that--that'll come off -- you won't have to get laser surgery or skin from your ass or anything.

He escapes.

Janitor: [perplexed] Hmm?



HOSPITAL -- HALL The Janitor is scrubbing the ink-stained wall.

Janitor: Come on!

J.D. passes.

J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, lots of things last longer than you wish they would....

He stops at the front desk and watches Sean drop Elliot off to work. They're kissing.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Especially certain stupid relationships with stupid Sea World trainers who stole my stupid girl!

Sean: Well, I've, uh, [clears throat] I've got whales to train.

J.D.: [under breath] Stupid whales.

Sean looks over.

J.D.: Hey, Sean! Right on, brother!

Sean: Bye.

He heads out.

Elliot: Bye!

Turk arrives.

Turk: Where the hell are my interns!?

J.D.'s Narration: As third-year residents, you really have to stay on top of your interns.

Cut to... NURSES' STATION -- ASSIGNMENT BOARD Turk has gathered his surgical interns around for a lesson. J.D. has come to watch.

Turk: These! Right here! You see these names!? They are called patients! This one needs brain work! This one needs a heart!

J.D.: [pointing at a name] This guy needs courage.

Turk: Helping or hurting, J.D.? Helping or hurting? [to the interns] The point is, they will live or die based on your lame-assed post-ops; so, please, people, shape the hell up!

Interns: Yes, Dr. Turk.

Lesson over, the inters leave. J.D. overhears two as they pass.

Female Intern: [quietly to friend] Dr. Jerk!

J.D.: [giggling] The girl one just called you "Dr. Jerk"!

Turk: No sweat. You should hear what they call Dr. Michead.

J.D.: ...What?

Cut to... ADMISSIONS J.D. has gathered his interns around.

J.D.'s Narration: I decided to take a different tack with my interns.

J.D.: Look, guys, I'm not here to overwork ya, okay? I'm not--I'm not just your resident -- I'm your buddy, I'm your go-to guy.... I'm J.D.

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, my tack had its own drawbacks.

J.D.: But it is crucial I have everyone here at 9 a.m. sharp tomorrow, okay?

Intern 1: [raising hand] Oh, it cool if I come at 9:30?

J.D.: Absolutely. Anyone else need to be late?

Intern 2: I can't.

Intern 3: Bad for me.

J.D.: Okay, well, why don't we--why don't we just make it 10, then? Okay? Break!

They all set their hands at the center of the circle before going off about their business. All leave but one.

Intern 4: I can be here at 9.

J.D.: But I said 10!

J.D.'s Narration: I guess everyone has their own style.

Cut to... I.C.U. Elliot is leading her interns through.

Elliot: Today for lunch, the cafeteria has...[whips around] Bruce, name a manifestation of normal pressure hydrocephalus!

Bruce: Urinary incontinence!

Elliot: He-hell yes, Bruce! Go place a Foley cath. On Bed 4! As for the rest of Team E, I'm--

Dr. Kelso interrupts.

Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't Dr. Haircut and her not-ready-for-primetime players!

Elliot: Actually, sir, we rock, so feel free to sit back and enjoy the show!

While starting his Foley catheter at Bed 4, Bruce is startled and drops a collection of medical supplies on the floor.

Dr. Kelso: Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.

Bruce: Really?

Dr. Kelso crunches across the fallen supplies to get up in Bruce's face.

Dr. Kelso: [chipper] In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!

He crunches back to Elliot.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, you may have an exciting new look and a boyfriend who smells vaguely like my tackle-box, but I remain, as always, underwhelmed.


DR. NORRIS' OFFICE The office is decorated with silly, kid-friendly things, including a gigantic red phone that sits on the desk. Cox and Jordan sit across from the pediatrician, who is tidying the appearance of his puppet.

Dr. Cox: I think, Dr. Norris, what we're looking for is someone who's not too alarmist but also not too lax, either.

Dr. Norris: [sarcastic] Oh, God, please let that someone be me!

Jordan: Look, you're obviously a little busy with your doll....

Dr. Norris: My doll? [laughs scornfully] It's a collectible.

Jordan: [quietly to Cox] Someone's gonna get his ass bit!

Dr. Cox: Right.... I think we should probably take off. We're gonna be back to you with our decision.

They stand.

Dr. Norris: Super. I'll be by my giant pretend phone, pretending to give a crap. Oh, uh, by the way: Brrring! [picks up the receiver] Helloo? [whispering to them] Gotta take it. [back to the phone] Uh-huh.... Uh-huh....

Cut to... HALL Dr. Cox and Jordan are leaving the office.

Dr. Cox: I love him!

Jordan: Of course you do -- he's you! And nobody loves you more than you! You know that.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, but, still.... He _is_ the best pediatrician on staff, and since we both work here we're gonna have a lot of pull over him. I mean, come on, Jordan, you haven't let me make one decision about our son. Which is why, by the way, you'll be doing the answering when he asks why daddy's wee-wee doesn't have a turtleneck on it like his.

Jordan: [not listening] Yeah, fine. Whatever you said.


NURSES' STATION J.D. comes up to Carla, his interns busying themselves by getting coffee.

J.D.: [extra nice] Hey, Carla? Hey.... I had to redo the NG tube one of your nurses put on Mrs. Hemmel, so if you could spread the word to leave that to me and my guys, it would be great.

Carla: [extra, extra nice] Oh, no problem, Bambi. Oh! But the reason my nurses had to do that is because none of your interns know how. So if you keep flapping your mouth without knowing all the facts, I'm gonna see if I can fit my foot in it!

J.D.: Okay. Good talk! [turns to his interns] Brian? You know how to place an NG tube, don't you?

Brian: You did it for me both times.

J.D.: Jimmy, didn't you do one yesterday?

Jimmy: No, you let me go home 'cause I forgot to set my TiVo for the Styx 'Behind the Music'?

J.D.: Do not miss that! It's awesome! Seth?

Seth turns around with a coffee stirrer (or maybe straw) in each nostril.

J.D.'s Narration: That was when I realized what I'd turned my interns into.


Little chimps in blue scrubs bounce around the Nurses' Station.



I.C.U. Elliot arrives at one of the beds, where her intern, Bruce, is prepping a patient for a procedure.

Elliot: Bruce! This is gonna be your third Foley cath. in a row! You can do this. You didn't need to page me seventeen times between the time I bought the rum-raisin muffin and then...threw it away because alcoholism runs in my family.

Bruce: After this morning, I just wanted to make sure that I _really_ have this down.

He continues to prep the patient, while under his breath doing some vague beat-boxing.

Elliot: What are you doing?

Bruce: It's just a nervous habit. [whispers] It helps me concentrate.

Elliot: Yeah, well, you know what helps me concentrate?

Bruce: Me not doing that?

Elliot: No, bunnies.

She looks off into the distance.

Elliot: Mmm.


DR COX'S APARTMENT -- KITCHEN Dr. Cox faces a high-chair full of Jack.

Dr. Cox: Say, I don't want to embarrass you, there, Big Jack, but,'ve got a little something on your face.

We see Jack, somewhere under a layer of strained carrots.

Dr. Cox: Hardly notice it.

The baby coughs. Jordan comes around to investigate.

Jordan: What was that?

Dr. Cox: [laughing derisively] Come on, Jordan. Don't tell me you're gonna be one of those parents who makes a big deal out of every single cough.

Jack coughs louder.

Cut to... HOSPITAL -- HALL Dr. Cox, baby Jack in his arms, is bolting through. He shoves a doctor aside.

Dr. Cox: Look out, Michead!

Dr. Michead: Argh!


HALL -- STAINED WALL The Janitor stands with a spray bottle and a cloth.

Janitor: Okay, tough guy. Good night!

He sprays the stain and wipes -- no change.

Janitor: What the!? Maybe I diluted this too much.

On his way through, Doug stops nearby to look at his chart. The Janitor brushes the moistened rag against Doug's ear. There's a sizzling sound, followed by Doug's pained expression.

Doug: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

He races off in panic.

Janitor: Eh, can't blame the cleanser.

FURTHER DOWN THE HALL... J.D. approaches Elliot.

J.D.'s Narration: Even though my interns sucked, I decided to turn it into a positive.

J.D.: Elliot, uh, I need some pointers on how to deal with my interns.

Doug screams past (literally).

Doug: ....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hagh-haaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!....


   &: Hey, Doug.


J.D.: Anyway, do you think we could, like, meet up after work or something?

Elliot: Sure. What'd you have in mind?


It's a lovely afternoon. Over Minnie Riperton's "Lovin' You", Elliot lounges in a rowboat navigated by J.D. Elliot's dressed in a pink bikini and daisy dukes, her hair drawn into short pigtails. She seductively licks a lollipop.

As she sits up to give J.D. a kiss, we see Sean, hog-tied and gagged, in the bottom of the boat.

Sean: [gagged] No! Don't do it!

J.D. throws the poor guy over into the water, then beats him with the oar. Elliot applauds and gives J.D. the kiss.


J.D.: Nothin' major.


DR. NORRIS' OFFICE Norris and Mr. Cookiepants are talking to a patient.

Dr. Norris: [puppet voice] You know, Benjamin, it's not a bad thing that you play with it, it's just that your mom wants you to take breaks for meals!

Dr. Cox rushes in with Jack.

Dr. Cox: Excuse me, Jack here, uh, Jack here's got a cough. And on account of the meconium problem he had at birth, I'm thinking it just might be pneumonia.

Dr. Norris: [puppet voice] Benjamin: Take this cup, fill 'er up, right?

Norris gives the kid a sample cup and sends him off to the bathroom. He turns to Cox.

Dr. Norris: What in the hell do you think you are doing? You arrogant son of a bitch, if you ever interrupt an exam of mine again, I will personally take my stethoscope and shove it up your---

The kid's back!

Dr. Norris: [puppet voice] Benjamin! What happened?

Benjamin: I don't have to go.

Dr. Norris: Oh, well it happens to the big boys, too. Try again. Go on!

The kid goes back to the bathroom, and Norris goes back to Cox.

Dr. Norris: Is his temperature under a hundred-point-five?

Dr. Cox: Barely.

Dr. Norris: Eating, peeing, pooing?

Dr. Cox: Sometimes all at the same time. Come on, it's a really persistent cough. What do you say?

Dr. Norris: Office hours, tomorrow, 5 o'clock. Bye-bye.

Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and put this in a language that you can understand: [puppet voice] You had better see my son now, or I'm gonna kick your ass.

Norris shakes Mr. Cookiepants' head "no". Dr. Cox whimpers, exasperated, and carries Jack out.


BAR -- EVENING J.D.'s at a booth. Elliot enters.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, here she comes. Don't be over-eager!

He waves at her eagerly.

J.D.: Elliot!!! Over here!!!

She comes over to the table.

Elliot: Hey!

J.D.: look great.

Elliot: [smiling] Thanks.

Sean follows Elliot over.

Sean: Oh, hey, J.D.

J.D.: Hey, Sean's here, everybody.... Hey, Sean! Heeeyyy!

Elliot: You know, since he's a trainer, Sean is really good with behavior and communication. I mean, he helped me so much with my interns that I thought maybe he could help you with yours.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, stay calm -- at least she's here, too.

Elliot's beeper goes off; she looks at the display.

Elliot: Oh, Bruce again -- gotta go.

Sean: Mm-hmm.

They kiss, and Elliot takes off.

Sean: Bye.

Sean sits at the table across from J.D.

Sean: This'll be fun!

J.D.'s Narration: And just like that, I had another rough night ahead of me.

J.D. puts the menu in front of his face.

J.D.'s Narration: At least I wasn't the only one.

Meanwhile... DR. COX'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM Perry's asleep until the baby monitor picks up Jack's coughing. Cox's eyes instantly fly open.

Meanwhile... I.C.U. Elliot approaches a patient's bed, where Bruce is preparing for a procedure.

Elliot: You paged me for another Foley catheter?

Bruce: I'm great at these now!

Elliot: Oh!

Bruce: Just watch this one.

Dr. Kelso whips back a nearby privacy curtain.

Dr. Kelso: Don't mind if I do!

Bruce spills the contents of the catheter package all over. Elliot winces.

J.D.'s Narration: Yep, it's gonna be a long, long night.

Elliot's beeper goes off; she looks at it.

Elliot: I'm, heh, right here, Bruce.

Elliot looks at Dr. Kelso, embarrassed.



DR. NORRIS' OFFICE -- NIGHT Norris comes in to find Dr. Cox sitting in his chair, villainously stroking a long-haired white cat.

Dr. Cox: Hello, David. I've been expecting you.

Dr. Norris: Agh! [shrugs]

Dr. Cox: Yeah, I just thought I'd come by and play with some of your stuffed animals [shakes the stuffed cat, which yowls] -- and, I know, I know, they're "for the kids", heh. Also, wanted to let you know that I _will_ be bringing my son by this _morning_.

Dr. Norris: Yeah, I don't think so, there, chief.

Norris scans the office.

Dr. Norris: Where's Mr. Cookiepants?

Dr. Cox: [playing dumb] Oh, que pasa?

Dr. Norris: [flipping out] I said, Where's Mr. Cookiepants!?

Dr. Cox: He's in a safe place, Dave.

Dr. Norris: If you touch one hair on his head, I swear to God I'll inject your kid with chickenpox!

Dr. Cox: No, you won't.

Cox tosses the stuffed cat across the room -- it yowls -- and gets up, heading for the door.

Dr. Norris: I know. For God's sakes, it's an innocent doll!!!

Dr. Cox: [firm] No, David. It's a collectible.

Dr. Norris: Whatever.


SEA WORLD -- DAY Sean and Elliot are standing on a platform near one of the tanks.

Elliot: The kid's a good doctor, he just...falls apart every time Kelso looks over his shoulder.

Sean: Well, why don't you just tell Kelso to back off?

Elliot: I-I've taken a lot of positive steps this year but when it comes to standing up to Kelso, I just...I can't get over that hump yet. He's like my white whale.

Sean: Yeah.... Mine's Frank.

A white whale surfaces.

Elliot: Oh, no, I meant like in 'Moby Dick' -- Kelso is a giant pain in my ass.

Sean: Oh. Well, thing is, I love Frank. Just...he can drive me crazy every now and then.

They laugh as Sean feeds Frank some fish. The whale squawks.

Sean: Every day! [Frank squawks] Every day! [Frank squawks] ...Every day! [Frank squawks]


HOSPITAL -- HALL Sean, Elliot, and J.D. are gathered.

Sean: Hey, J.D.? I was thinking we'd start out by me, you know, watching how you interact with your interns. Uh, and then, you kn--your brain's gonna tell you to be a little self-conscious, but you just need to ignore the voice in your head.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Kick him in the crotch and run.

J.D.: I'll try, Sean!

Elliot: You be nice to the teacher, okay? I'm sleeping with him.

She gives Sean a kiss and walks off.

Elliot: [to self] Oh, my God! I haven't said that since college!


NURSES' STATION Cox and Jordan are together, Jack in a stroller.

Dr. Cox: [frustrated, bashes his forehead against a clipboard] Mmmmgh! Norris hasn't budged, and he just moved the appointment back to six, the rat-bastard!

Jordan: [hissing] Watch your language in front of the kid, you stupid bicky-bicky!

Cox gives her a weird look.

Jordan: You see, _I_ am adapting. You, on the other hand, are behaving like a complete lunatic.

Dr. Cox: No, I'm not!

Meanwhile... DR. NORRIS' OFFICE Intense music plays as Norris opens a box and finds a severed puppet hand.

Back to... NURSES' STATION Jordan drags Dr. Cox over to Carla.

Jordan: Carla?

Carla: Hm?

Jordan: You're one of them bossy-pants types who always tells people their problems whether they ask for it or not, right?

Carla: [defensive] I like to think I've learned when to hold back.

Jordan: You're in.

Carla: [letting it all out at Cox] You've totally lost sight of what's important, here. You are a parent now, okay? You don't come first anymore--

Jordan: No.

Carla: --you've got to do what's best for your son, even if it means sucking up to the one doctor on earth who's more obnoxious than you are.

Jordan: Well....

Carla: Oh, my God. I loved doing that so much, it makes my hand shake a little!


I.C.U. Elliot passes Doug.

Elliot: So, how are your interns doing?

Doug: Hey, yeah, it still burns a little, but at least I can hear okay.

Elliot approaches one of the beds, where Kelso is tearing into her interns, specifically Bruce.

Dr. Kelso: Fantastic, sport. But that's the brachial artery and it's not how we draw blood. Now, if we need to inject him with heroin, you'll be the first one I call.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso...

Dr. Kelso: What is it, Dr. Reid? Do you have something to say?

Elliot: ...No.

Dr. Kelso: You know, son, you remind me of her so much, you're just a break-down in the supply closet away from being the same person!


DOCTORS' LOUNGE From a distance, Sean is observing J.D. with one of his interns. Turk is at the table, probably watching, too.

J.D.: Look, Brian, if you're having that much trouble with your case report, I'd be glad to take a look at it for you, pal.

Brian hands his folder to J.D and takes off.

Brian: Cool. Try to have it back by 5.

J.D.: O...kay. I have a lot of things to do...but....

Sean butts in.

Sean: Hey, J.D.? Can I offer a little constructive criticism?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Kick him in the crotch, dammit! The crotch!

Sean: You know, you're worried so much about whether your interns like you or not that I don't think they respect you very much.

Turk: I had one of mine run out this morning and get me some dome wax. Check it -- [glides his hands across his head] -- zing!

Sean: That's really shiny.

Turk: Yeah!

Sean: [to J.D.] You know, I had the same problem when I started working with the dolphins---

J.D.: Okay, that's it. I-I-I'm sorry, Sean, I'm a doctor, okay? I-I'm teaching humans, not dolphins, okay? So it isn't really helpful for me to know what works on fish.

Sean: They're mammals, actually.

J.D.: [laughs defensively] Oh, well, Sean! Unfortunately for me, my interns aren't mammals!

Sean: J.D., they are.

J.D.: S-sh--I don't care, Sean!

He turns for the door.

J.D.: Come on, Turk!

Turk jumps up from his seat and storms out after J.D. After a second, Turk zips back.

Turk: [whispering] Hey. I just wanted you to know I don't have a problem with you, I just can't resist a good storm-off.

Sean: Oh, who can?

Turk storms back out.

Continue to... HALL Turk catches up with J.D. They pass the Janitor, who faces the stained wall with a flame torch.

Janitor: Stain, I won't lie to ya -- this is gonna hurt a little bit.

Turk: Why don't you just paint over it?

Janitor: Hm!

J.D.: Can you believe that crap Sean was saying?

Turk: He was right. Even in college, you cared way too much about everybody liking you.


J.D. and Turk -- with bad hair -- are sitting around. The door opens.

Guy: Hey, who wants to help me move?

J.D.: Me!


J.D. and Turk -- with even worse hair -- are sitting around. The door opens.

Girl: [holding a dog] J.D., could you walk my dog tonight while I have casual sex with your friend, Miguel?

J.D.: Love to!

The dog barks.


J.D. and Turk -- with worse hair yet -- are sitting around. The door opens.

Same Guy: Hey. Who wants to help me move back?

J.D.: I know where it all goes...!


Turk: Think about it, man. Cox has taught you the most since you've been here, right? Do you really think he gives a damn whether you like him or not?

J.D.: I'd like to think so.

Just then, Cox bustles past, shoving J.D. aside.

Dr. Cox: Out of my way, space-waster!

Turk: I felt the love.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Catch him and kick him in his junk!


DR. NORRIS' OFFICE Norris is at his desk as Cox enters. He drops Mr. Cookiepants in front of him.

Dr. Cox: Enjoy. I didn't cut the hand off -- I used a different puppet for that.

Dr. Norris: Well, if you want, you could give that one to me and I could fix it. And have it...for the kids.

Dr. Cox: Disturbing fetishes aside, I--I feel like I owe you an apology on account of acting like a jackass. But I don't think that my son should be the one who has to pay for it.

Dr. Norris: You actually think that I would endanger the health of a child because you're a jackass? Look, buddy, most of the parents I deal with are jackasses; now, don't get me wrong, you're in the top five.

Dr. Cox: [honored] Thank you!

Dr. Norris: You're welcome. So, the reason why I have yet to see your child is because he has the sniffles.

Dr. Cox: [incredulous] The sniffles?

Dr. Norris: The sniffles! Look, you're a doctor, you have what I like to call The Burden of Knowledge -- you're gonna be worse than every parent who freaks out because their kid eats Play-Doh. Why? Because you've seen too much; you've seen what can really go wrong. If you can get a handle on that, it's gonna gross you.

Dr. Cox: You have kids?

Dr. Norris: One. She hates dolls.

Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a bummer.

Dr. Norris: Tell me about it.


I.C.U. As before, Dr. Kelso has some interns gathered at a patient's bed to criticize their work. Elliot enters.

Dr. Kelso: That's horrible work. Horrible!

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I do have something to say.

He gives her a blank look.

Elliot: Remember earlier, you asked me if I had something to say?

Dr. Kelso: No!

Elliot: Well, you did. And...the reason that I came back here is because you said that Bruce and I are alike. And you know what? You're right. Because you're treating him the exact same way you treated me when I first got here! Dr. Kelso, you only judge us by these, like, twenty-minute, pressure-filled windows that you see us through twice a week, and you--you never get to know us or how hard we really work. Because, if you did, you'd realize that a lot of the times we fail, it's not our fault -- it's yours.

Dr. Kelso: [to Bruce] Is that how you feel, future dentist?

Bruce: W-well...sometimes you make me feel like...I can't do anything well, and I can do lots of things well!

Dr. Kelso: Like what?

Bruce: I'm a pretty solid human beat-box.

Elliot: Bru-Bruce, I think he was talking about medical...things.

Dr. Kelso: No, no-no, I-I'd like to hear him demonstrate this "beef-box" thing.

Bruce: Well--well, o-okay. Uh, I g--I guess this one goes out to my boy, Wayne, in room 302. He has fluid in his lungs.

Bruce demonstrates his talent with the refrain, "He's got fluid." Elliot and the gathered interns dig it. Kelso, well, doesn't.

Dr. Kelso: Young man! [at a loss] ...Enjoy your moment.

He stalks off as Elliot exuberantly praises her pupil.

Elliot: Oh, my God, Bruce! That was amazing! Where did you learn how to do that?

Bruce: In temple.


ADMISSIONS Turk is sitting in a chair as Sean looks at his shiny head.

Sean: You're right -- I can totally see my reflection!

Turk: Tell your friends, baby!

J.D. arrives.

J.D.: Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.

Carla gets up in J.D.'s face.

Carla: Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're--

Turk picks her up and starts carrying her off.

Carla: Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!

Sean: J.D., it's no big deal. We both know that it wasn't about that. Well, like Elliot.

J.D.: Sorry.

Sean: Don't sweat it.

J.D.: You're not pissed off? I'd be pissed off. Why aren't you pissed off?

Sean: I dunno. I guess I just...I don't see you as that much of a threat.

J.D.: Ohh.... Cool.

A more heavily-produced version of Bruce's beat comes up.

J.D.'s Narration: I don't care. All that matters is finding a way to sleep at night. Whether it's finally standing up to your white whale...

Cut to... ELLIOT'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT Elliot sleeps soundly.

J.D.'s Narration: ...painting over your black spot...

Cut to... HOSPITAL HALL -- NIGHT The Janitor slumbers against the blank wall, a paint roller cradled in his arms.

J.D.'s Narration: ...or imagining Shamu taking Sean's arm off.

Cut to... J.D.'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT J.D. smiles in his sleep.

J.D.'s Narration: You don't need a doctor to tell you that a good night's sleep can fix almost anything.

Cut to... DR. COX'S BEDROOM Dr. Cox sleeps soundly.

...Until Jack's cough is heard on the baby monitor, causing Cox to jerk awake.

Bruce's refrain: He's got fluid.


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