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Open: ICU. Dr. Cox and the interns stand around a bed.
Dr. Cox: Look, one of the reasons interns have so much trouble putting in chest tubes is because it is a violent procedure. You must not be scared, though, children. You must use force to get the tube between the ribs and pop it through the pleura. What do you say there, Lis? You can do this.
(Dr. Cox hands the chest tube to Lisa. The "patient" in the bed turns out to be Keith.)
Keith: Uh, Dr. Cox, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with this.
Dr. Cox: Then you shouldn't have lost my teaching mannequin.
Keith: I don't know what happened to it.
(Flashback. Janitor is driving his van with the mannequin in the passenger seat.)
Janitor: Hello, carpool lane! Ha ha ha! So what movie do you want to see?
Lisa: Inserting chest tube. MM!
(Lisa jabs Keith with the chest tube. Hard.)
Keith: GAAH! Lisa! God, he was joking!
Dr. Cox: Yes, I was Lisa, now take the rest of the afternoon off and think about what you did here today.
Dr. Cox: This is a warning, people. Anyone else who hurts Keith is going to get the exact same treatment as Lisa. Good day.
(Cut to Elliot, looking on.)
Elliot: Nothing like having to watch your boyfriend get humiliated on a daily basis.
(Cut back to Keith, who is being held down by several interns.)
Gloria: Purple Nurple!
(She gives him one. Keith howls in pain. Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.)
Carla: Baby, look at this. I'm starting to look like a big fat pregnant lady.
Turk: No you're not, baby, you look like you just let yourself go a little.
(Carla begins crying.)
Turk: OK, that came out wrong, but baby, it's OK. You're just overreacting because your pregnancy hormones are totally taking over. It's fine. These past few days, your moods have changed like [snaps fingers] that!
(Carla stops crying and is now angry.)
Carla: That is not true!
(Carla slaps Turk in the face.)
Turk: It's cool.
Carla: I'm sorry. Let me kiss the owie? Kiss the owie?
(Turk and Carla kiss.)
Carla: Mmm. Oh, baby, I wanna do it right now.
Turk: You don't want to do it right now, it will pass.
Carla: This is happening.
(She begins unbuttoning her shirt.)
Turk: Damn right this is happening.
(Turk removes his shirt, and goes offscreen. Carla sits and picks up a picture of her mother.)
Carla: My mom. [crying] I can't believe she'll never meet her grandchild.
(Turk is now in his boxers.)
Turk: Do you want to start with kissing or should we just get right into the good stuff?
Carla: What is wrong with you?!
(Carla shoves him backwards over the coffee table.)
Turk: [to himself] Oof! When will you learn?
(Cut to Admissions Area. J.D. enters.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: Hmm, Turk talking to a new staff member. Give her a treat and say hello.
Turk: J.D., I'm sure you know Kim Briggs.
J.D.: Uh, no, you big knucklehead, I don't. On behalf of everyone here at Sacred Heart, I'd like to say konnichiwa.
(J.D. shakes Kim's hand and bows.)
Kim: I've been here five years, big guy.
J.D.: I know that, Kim. It's a game we play. What's your name? It's Turk. What's that guy's name? I don't know, he's a patient. Looks like a Dave. Are you a Dave? Maybe he's a Dave, we don't know. Hey!
Kim: Torture him about this.
Turk: Will do. Peace out!
J.D.: How come I've never noticed her before?
Turk: Oh, because she wears a wedding ring. Yeah, you don't notice women who wear wedding rings.
(Flashback to the scene in My First Day where J.D. inserts the chest tube. Kim is standing behind J.D. and Carla.)
Turk's Voiceover: Kim was here on your first day.
(Cut to funeral scene from My Screw Up. Kim sits behind Dr. Cox and J.D.)
Turk's Voiceover: She was at Ben's funeral.
(Cut to an elevator. J.D. is singing, apparently not noticing that Kim is there. Kim looks uncomfortable.)
Turk's Voiceover: She's been around.
J.D.: [singing]] Everybody was Kung-fu fighting! Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!
J.D.: So you're saying because she wears a wedding ring she's invisible to me?
J.D.: Please, T, I'm not that shallow.
Turk: Oh, really? [to the room] Will all the women in the room who are married, please remove your wedding rings?
(Suddenly, the room is full of women, holding up their rings.)
J.D.: Dr. Feinburg? Anastasia? Gift Shop Girl?
Gift Shop Girl: Hey, J.D.
J.D.: I thought you died.
Gift Shop Girl: Nope. I just got married.
J.D.: But I sent your family flowers.
Gift Shop Girl: I know. You bought them from me. It was kind of weird.
(Gift Shop Girl puts on her ring and disappears.)
J.D.: Gift Shop Girl!
Gift Shop Girl: [invisible] What?
(J.D. reaches out as if to fondle her breats.)
Gift Shop Girl: Stop that!
(J.D. walks through the room, grabbing at invisible butts and boobs.)
OPENING THEME At the end, Kim enters and turns the X-ray over.
Kim: That's backwards. It's been bugging me for years.
Open: Patient's room. J.D. and Kim enter.
Kim: How are we doing, Mr. Peters?
J.D's Narration: I had checked up on Kim. She got along with everybody.
(Cut to locker room. Kim enters, wearing a towel.)
J.D.'s Narration: All the guys liked her.
Kim: Toughen up, sailors, chick on deck. I need a few more towels in the ladies' locker room.
Todd: Oh, I got a towel for ya.
(Todd rips off his own towel, revealing his banana hammock.)
(Todd tries to rat-tail her, but she steals the towel and wraps it around her head.)
Kim: Thanks, Todd.
(Cut to women's locker room. Kim passes out towels to Laverne, Elliot and Lisa, who wrap the towels around their heads.)
J.D.'s Narration: All the women liked her.
Kim: I just love that every woman knows how to do that.
(Cut to a hallway, where a group of doctors are hanging out.)
J.D.'s Narration: She even got along with the greasers.
Kim: Guys, I know everyone gives you a hard time, but trust me. This look is coming back.
(The doctors snap their fingers and point to Kim. Cut back to Mr. Peters' room.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: I never got a synchronized snap from the greasers.
Kim: Mr. Peters, I know that having a gal urologist might seem a little uncomfortable, but the penis is just another excretory organ, so let's go ahead and take the stigma off it. Now this is the length of the average penis.
(She draws a long arrow on a piece of paper. Mr. Peters and Turk nod. J.D. looks surprised.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: WHAT?!
Mr. Peters: That seems about right.
Kim: [impressed] Good for you! I was just messing with Dr. Dorian over there.
J.D.: You know what? I'm not talking to any of you guys.
(J.D. exits. Turk and Kim laugh. J.D. enters again.)
J.D.: You lie--
(J.D. looks under Mr. Peters' blankets.)
J.D.: Oh, my God.
(J.D. exits. Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Elliot: Keith, I know we had plans tonight, but I am way too tired.
Keith: No problem. I'll call you tomorrow.
(Keith and Elliot kiss. Keith exits. Jordan enters.)
Jordan: Hey, girls. Listen, Perry got uppity with me for, and I quote, spending twenty thousand dollars we don't have on shoes. So I figured I'd get back him by treating everyone to drinks tonight.
Elliot: I'll go.
Carla: Elliot, you just told Keith you were too tired. What are you doing?
Elliot: I, uh, I think Keith and I might be done.
(Elliot and Jordan exit.)
(Carla exits after them. Janitor enters.)
Janitor: Hey, Dorian, let me borrow that pencil for a second. Just one second? Thank you.
(J.D. gives Janitor his pencil, which he snaps in half.)
Janitor: [fake Italian accent] Oh no. I snap-a da pencil. [normally] What do you think? It's for my stand-up act.
J.D.: Where do you perform?
Janitor: I'm at the Giggle Pit. Every Monday at sunup.
J.D.: Well, I'll have to come by sometime.
Janitor: Do it, man.
J.D.: No, wait a second, I'm mad at you! You stole my video camera with all the scenes on it from Dr. Acula, the vampire movie I'm making.
Janitor: Why do you think I stole it?
J.D.: I don't know, maybe I was surfing the hospital's website and I saw that someone posted the "Dr. Acula delivers a baby, then eats it" scene? Someone with the screen name "Rotinaj?" Rotinaj is just Janitor spelled backwards, Rotinaj.
(Dr. Rotinaj enters.)
Janitor: Morning, Dr. Rotinaj.
Dr. Rotinaj: Good morning, Mr. Clean-up man!
(Cut to Mr. Peters room.)
Kim: Mr. Peters, I looked at your CT scan and I'm recommending that we don't do surgery.
Mr. Peters: Great.
Kim: This is goodbye for us, but I'm leaving you in the very capable hands of Dr. John D. Dorian. You take care.
(Kim and J.D. exit the room.)
Kim: I gave you a new middle initial. It reassures me for some reason. In my mind, the D stands for Dallas because I just got finished telling Mr. Peters that's where I lost my virginity. Don't know how we got down that path, it's something about that old man that just makes me want to open up.
Kim: Anyway, I hope you don't mind your new middle initial.
J.D.: I don't mind it a turtle's wink.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait, you only pepper your conversations with cute animal imagery if you're smitten.
Kim: Could you lend me your pen?
J.D.: Quick as a porcupine's hiccup.
(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Saxophone music plays, while Kim, glowing in the ambient light, licks the pen.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: All right, there's only one problem with this.
(Fantasy ends with a record scratch and close up of Kim's wedding ring.)
Kim: OK. See you J.D.
J.D.: Kim, wait. Unfortunately there's no way I can make you mine. Unless I make you mine...for eternity!
(J.D. grabs Kim and reveals vampire teeth. He bites her neck.
Kim: [changing from panicked to seductive] Dr. Acula, don't....stop!
(Cut to reality. The preceding scene was J.D.'s fantasy.)
J.D.: Vampires like it windy.
(Cut to cafeteria.)
Carla: Why are you breaking up with Keith?
Elliot: Look, Keith is sweet. But after watching him get walked on again this morning, I feel like I need a stronger man in m life. I mean, I want what you guys have. Someone who will stand up for me when I really need it, you know? Someone as confident as Turk, or as brave as Dr. Cox, or as...I'm sorry, Laverne, I don't really know your husband. What are some of Mr. Roberts' good qualities?
Laverne: Well, he was a roadie for Jimi Hendrix and when it rains, he carries me to the car.
Elliot: And you guys have been together for what, 60 years?
Laverne: I'm 48. And I'm done here.
Elliot: Mm. My bad.
Carla: [crying] I don't want Keith to go. Elliot, I don't want Keith to go.
Jordan: Aww, there, there.
(Jordan shoves Carla's chair away from the table.)
Jordan: What? I'm pregnant, I'm crying, I'm laughing. Enough already. It's boring.
(Cut to Admissions Area.)
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, nametags. I need to wire some cash to my son so he can make bail. Apparently that musical he was making was just a front for a crystal meth lab. And here's the kicker. He fled to Toronto, so now the frickin' Mounties are involved. Anywho, I need someone to zip out to my house and grab $400.
Janitor: I'll do it. I shouldn't be mopping in here anyway. This is a rug.
J.D.: Don't let him in your house, sir. He'll steal everything you got, like he stole my video camera.
Dr. Kelso: Do you know the difference between me and you, Dorian?
J.D.: Your melon-size prostate, sir?
Dr. Kelso: I will never fear this man. [to Janitor] Do you think I'm afraid of you, chief?
Janitor: No, sir, I do not.
Dr. Kelso: Now look. I keep my extra cash in a pickle jar on the top shelf over the sink.
(Dr. Kelso hands Janitor his keys. Janitor exits.)
Dr. Kelso: Enid wants that jar so bad she can taste it. [laughs] Oh, that's right. You don't remember that she's paralyzed and can't stand up out of her wheelchair. That's why you're not laughing.
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. We're not laughing because we're all horrified.
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Well, it tickles me.
(Dr. Kelso exits, which makes squelching sounds because of the wet rug. J.D. and Dr. Cox jump up and down, making the squelching noises, then stop and look at each other.)
Dr. Cox: Eh.
(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment.)
Turk: OK, honey, I know Elliot upset you with this whole Keith thing. But we're all gonna be extra extra sensitive so you don't get riled up, OK?
Elliot: I'm wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?
Turk: She's pregnant. She's not a bull.
Elliot: I know you think I'm just being crazy, but Elliot, you should not give up on Keith. You say he's not strong enough for you because he keeps getting stepped on at work? That's what it's like for interns. You're just doing what we all do when we start to get serious in a relationship. You're freaking out and you're trying to poke holes in it. Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
J.D.: Relax, brown bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.
Carla: And you know how hard single life can be. Just ask Kim.
J.D.: Wait, Kim's single?
Elliot: Oh, yeah. She's been divorced for like, over a year. She just wears her ring at the hospital so she doesn't get hit on all the time.
J.D.: Turk! Keys!
(J.D. takes off out of the apartment at top speed. Turk throws the keys out the window, which land in J.D.'s hands, sitting in the car.
(Cut to Nurses' Station. J.D. enters, running.)
J.D.: Hey, girl. What are you doing? Wanna get some coffee later?
J.D.'s Narration: And then, the ultimate Cox block.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Hey! Why isn't Mr. Peters in there getting surgery?
Kim: I decided against it.
J.D.: Yeah, she thought it would be best if I treated him medically.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, nobody's ever thought that. Ever. Secondly, she's a cutter. When was the last time you met a cutter who didn't want to cut? Laverne? You've been here 40 years now. You ever heard of such a thing?
Laverne: I'ma kill somebody.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess we all get mad when people say things we don't want to hear.
(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Elliot is about to leave, but Carla stops her.)
Carla: Elliot! I'm sorry, but I can't let you leave until you promise me you'll think about it with Keith.
Elliot: Oh, my God, Carla. Will you please just butt out of this one?
(Cut to hallway. Janitor enters.)
J.D.'s Narration: Especially when things feel a bit fishy.
(Janitor taps Dr. Kelso on the shoulder and hands him a wad of cash.)
Janitor: Here's you cash.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, thanks. Say, that's a new coat.
Janitor: Yep, just picked it up.
Dr. Kelso: Where'd you get the money to buy it?
Janitor: Mmm, I don't think it's any business of yours.
(Janitor adjusts the collar on the leather trench coat he is wearing, then swaggers off down the hall. Cut to Nurses' Station.)
J.D.'s Narration: Still, it's always good to hear the truth.
Dr. Cox: Surgery is really the only thing that has a shot at curing this guy and the reason that she's not going to do it is because he's older and he's got heart issues which makes him high-risk and if he were to drop dead on her operating table, well, that would make her surgery stats go down. And that wouldn't look very good on a young doctor's resume, would it?
J.D.'s Narration: Even if it meant losing respect for someone you thought you might like.
Kim: What can I say? You got me.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn.
Open: Parking lot. The greasers roll up to Turk and J.D. in an old convertible.
Greaser: Dr. Turk! I covered your gastric bypass patient last night and he left a message for you.
Turk: What did he say?
Greaser: You are square!
(The greasers howl with laughter and peel out, spraying J.D. and Turk with road debris.)
Turk: Stupid greasers.
J.D.: Oh, here comes Kim. She's had all night to think about what she did, so she'll probably be in a shame spiral. Let's enjoy it.
Kim: Hey, fellas, how you livin'?
Turk: Large! What!
(Kim and Turk exchange a handshake. Kim exits.)
Turk: What, was I not supposed to answer?
J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't the only one having relationship problems.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Elliot: Sorry about the way I left last night. We're OK, right?
Carla: Until you receive further notice, consider us not speaking.
(Carla exits. Dr. Kelso enters.)
Dr. Kelso: I know you took my money to buy that ridiculous coat.
Janitor: I bet you can't...prove it.
(Janitor exits. Flashback to Dr. Kelso's house. Dr. Kelso is counting the money in the jar.)
Dr. Kelso: Enid, you are my eyewitness. Did he take more than $400? Is that a new pantsuit?
Dr. Kelso: You think you're pretty smart, don't you?
Janitor: All I think is that leather never goes out of style. And if you're gonna keep your money in a pickle jar, you should probably know how much is in there. And that it never hurts to buy your invalid wife something nice, so maybe she can feel pretty. And these are general thoughts about life. Nothing specific to you.
(Cut to another Nurses station. J.D. and Turk are leaning on the counter. Kim comes up behind them and spanks them.)
J.D.: Mmm, that was nice.
Turk: That wasn't me.
Kim: Hey, dudes.
(Turk and J.D. turn around.)
J.D.: Don't "Hey, dudes" us, you know what bothers me?
Kim: Non-threatening, colloquial greetings?
J.D.: It bothers me that a doctor wouldn't help a patient so she could keep her stats up.
Kim: Look, J.D., surgery is competitive. We do what we have to to get ahead.
J.D.: Well, my best friend here is a surgeon and he would never pass on a risky surgery just to keep his stats up.
Turk: Actually, I have done that. Everyone has.
J.D.: Oh, my God. Out of here!
(Turk exits. Dr. Cox enters.)
J.D.: Dr. Cox, please weigh in.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. I would liken them to rocks, but that would be an insult to rocks, because you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges with them. We throw them at guys who wear those tiny phones clipped to their heads. It's a phone. You can't do this? However...
J.D.: [interrupting] Now back to the crux of the matter! Hit her, Per!
Dr. Cox: However, it is not Dr. Briggs' fault that she works in a broken system. Top hospitals are only interested in hiring surgeons who they think are flawless. Newbie, that's not the answer you thought you were gonna hear. But as always, I don't care.
(Dr. Cox exits.)
Kim: Thank God he didn't see this.
(Kim pulls her hair back to reveal a bluetooth phone on her ear.
Kim: [on phone] Yeah, Mom, I was listening the whole time, I just couldn't talk.
(Cut to parking lot. The front end of Janitor's van is smashed up.)
Dr. Kelso: [whistles in astonishment] Looks like someone took their new titanium 8-iron with a leather grip and went to town on your van.
Janitor: Well done, sir.
Dr. Kelso: What, you think I did it?
(Dr. Kelso removes a golf glove.)
Dr. Kelso: Too bad you can't prove it.
(Cut to doctor's lounge. Janitor clicks on the TV.)
J.D.: [On TV, dressed as a vampire and reading a script.] I think I need to take more...bloooood!
Dr. Kelso: What the hell is this?
Janitor: It's Dorian's camera. This must be a scene from Dr. Acula.
Turk: [on TV, wearing a yellow sweatsuit, afro and chains] You ain't takin' no more blood from my ho-slappin' hand. I will pimp slap you. This feels a little racist, J.D. Why can't I be a vampire?
J.D.: [on TV] Because it's my movie! Now let's take it from the top and I'm not gonna ask you again. Blacker.
Turk: [on TV] Blacker.
J.D.: [on TV] Yes, please.
Turk: [on TV] Blacker.
(Turk grabs J.D. and throws him at the camera, which cuts to static. When it starts recording again, Turk is now dressed as a vampire and J.D. is wearing the afro.)
Turk: [on TV] [hissing]
Janitor: Now comes the good part.
(The film cuts to the parking lot at night. Dr. Kelso is beating the van with a golf club.)
Dr. Kelso: [on TV] Prove that! And that! And that! And that! AND THAT! Yeah!
Dr. Kelso: What do you want?
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Elliot: So hey, I thought you might be hungry. Did you enjoy the pancakes I left on your computer?
Carla: No. But I enjoyed the 3000 ants crawling on my keyboard.
Todd: There's two of them doing it on the "F" button. I could be wrong, but it looks like two girls.
(Keith rolls over to watch.)
Carla: What do you want, Elliot?
Elliot: I wanted to apologize.
Carla: Well, save it.
Elliot: Look, Carla, I...
Carla: [interrupting] Honestly, you must be really bored with the friendship because all you do is take, take, take. And the most embarrassing thing is you don't even realize you're doing it. Because let's face it. At the end of the day, you're nothing but a spoiled, selfish, neurotic little girl from Connecticut who has absolutely no idea how to...
(Keith steps in.)
Keith: Whoa, whoa, OK, that's enough! I don't know what you two are fighting about, but it doesn't matter. Because no one is allowed to be that mean to my girlfriend, especially when all she's trying to do is apologize! Are we clear?
J.D.'s Narration: Nobody really speaks to Carla like that.
(Carla swells up, about to explode with rage. Turk enters.)
Turk: It was really cool getting to know you, man.
(Turk hugs Keith.)
J.D.'s Narration: The irony was that Keith was yelling at the one woman who was trying to save his relationship.
Carla: I'm sorry, Elliot.
J.D.'s Narration: And even more ironic was that it looked like she had.
Elliot: Thanks for standing up for me.
Keith: Yeah, totally.
(They kiss. Carla exits.)
J.D.'s Narration: I think Elliot finally seeing who Keith really was made me understand why I was so upset with Kim.
(Cut to ICU. J.D. enters.)
Kim: Look who's happy again.
J.D.: Yeah, well, it's just...
Kim: [interrupting] J.D., one second, uh, I'm on the phone with my Mom.
(Kim pulls her hair back to show the phone in her ear.)
Kim: She just got her RV fixed. [on phone] Mom, I gotta go. You can call me from the road.
(Kim hangs up and puts the phone in her pocket.)
Kim: My mom loves the road.
J.D.: I finally figured out what bothers me so much about you.
Kim: Well, lay it on me, studly.
J.D.: It's the way you're so concerned about protecting yourself. I mean, no one in this entire hospital has a bad thing to say about you, and I'm guessing that's because you're so careful not to rub anyone the wrong way. And you still wear your wedding ring. That prevents any guy from getting anywhere near you. You wouldn't operate on Mr. Peters, and we both know you're protecting yourself there. I don't know, I guess in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big a deal. I just--I was a little disappointed to find out how you turned out to be. I'll see you around, Kim.
Kim: [stunned] See you...
(Cut to PA room.)
Dr. Kelso: I don't want to do this.
Janitor: No problem. I'll just give the videotape to the police.
Dr. Kelso: [on PA, reading a prepared speech] Ladies and gentlemen, this is your chief of medicine, Bob Kelso. I feel compelled to tell you that I do, in fact, fear the Janitor.
(Cut to Hallway. Carla and Turk are walking through.)
Dr. Kelso: [over PA] Honestly, is there anyone else with such a brilliant mind?
Elliot: You planned all this, didn't you? The whole being mean thing so that Keith would stand up for me. Oh, thanks.
(Elliot hugs Carla, then exits.)
Turk: You didn't plan a damn thing, did you?
Carla: No, I snapped like a twig.
Carla: Please don't tell her.
(Turk zips his lips. Cut to OR. Kim is performing a surgery. Lisa watches from the observation room. J.D. enters.)
J.D.: Who is Dr. Briggs operating on?
Lisa: Your patient, Mr. Peters.
Dr. Kelso: [over PA] So, please join me...
(Cut to PA room.)
Dr. Kelso: [on PA] in basking in the glow of the Janitor's awesome...this isn't a word.
Janitor: Read it.
Dr. Kelso: [on PA] Fearitude. Good night.
(Dr. Kelso clicks off the mic and exits.)
Janitor: [on PA] And good luck. I love that movie.
(Cut to cafeteria. Kim sits alone with a coffee. J.D. enters.)
J.D.: I saw you did that surgery on Mr. Peters. Did you decide it was the right thing to do?
Kim: No, actually it was a stupid career risk.
J.D.: Then why did you do it?
Kim: Because for some reason, I find myself really caring about what you think of me.
(Kim takes off her wedding ring.)
J.D.: Oh. Cool.