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Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- J.D.'s Bedroom -- Morning
J.D. and Elliot are tangled on the floor.
J.D.'s Narration: Since she lost her apartment, I decided to let Elliot crash on my floor.
J.D.: How did this happen?
Elliot: J.D., I'm homeless; I have no money, and everything I own is outside in a truck -- my life's a mess. Plus, you were...going through...a lot, too....
J.D.: My peep was on the fritz. Much better now, thank you for asking.
He gets up.
Elliot: The point is, we were stressed out and vulnerable, and we made a mistake.
J.D.: Four times.... And a half, if you count that last thing.
She gets up, too.
Elliot: By the way, that third time? Wow! Where did you learn that?
***Flashback: The Living Room
J.D. is intently watching the TV, taking notes in a small pad. Turk comes in and sits next to him.
Turk: What'cha watching, buddy?
J.D.: Animal Planet.
Turk: Why does that one monkey keep biting the other one on the ass?
J.D. begins scribbling in his pad.
J.D.: I don't know...but she seems to _love_ it!
J.D.: The Congo. But look, Elliot, I think--I think you're right -- last night was great, but w-we can't keep doing this.
He holds out his hand in a platonic gesture.
J.D.: Dr. Reid.
She shakes his hand.
Elliot: Dr. Dorian.
They giggle at each other over the silly exchange.
She leaves the room to go get dressed.
J.D.'s Narration: Mistake or not, one cool thing about sex is, it always seems to put you in a good mood.
J.D.'s Narration: Hell, I think it even cheers up the people around you.
Elliot and Turk are waiting in the ICU.
Dr. Cox comes from behind a privacy curtain to join them.
Dr. Cox: Oh, joy -- I get to work on Mrs. Credin with The Wonder Twins. Dear Lord, what in thy most holy name have I done to have offended thee so?
Elliot: My bother Bradley and I used to always pretend that we were The Wonder Twins -- he would always become "Form of a Dragon!" and then I would want to be a dragon, too, but he said I had to be something made of water. So I'd be like, "Shape of an Ice Dragon!" And then...he would say that I was copying him and he'd breathe on me and I'd have to melt, but it was still _so_ awesome.
Dr. Cox: That's funny, I don't recall asking for a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really re-hhhheally boring story. My God, Barbie! Don't you understand no one cares?
Turk: I care.
Dr. Cox: Correction: No one important cares. Now, Mrs. Credin is in post-op, so let's start her out by CAT-scanning her abdomen. Oh, and, gosh, all kidding aside -- I'd really like to see us work together on this one. Come on, now! [humming the Notre Dame Fight Song] "Duh-duh-duh-du-du-du-duhn!" Hands in! "Duh-duh-duh-du-du-du-duhn!" Woo! [scoffs] Please!
He turns his back on them and leaves.
J.D. and Carla are at the bedside of a woman and her husband, who are adoring their new baby.
Carla: Congratulations again. He is beautiful.
Man: I was wondering about circumcision.
J.D.: Well, you're a little old...umm.... But, I--I do have a room-mate who's a surgeon -- he owes me a favor, I could---
Carla: Talking about their _son_, Bambi.
J.D.: Ohhh! Well, now...see, that we're set up for.
Woman: Actually, we wanted to know how you felt about it, Carla.
J.D.'s Narration: Don't get me wrong, Carla loves her patients -- but she also loves how much they love her.
Carla: To be honest, I'm not a big fan. I mean, I've always wondered what the kid would say if it were up to him.
*** Fantasy Sequence: A close-up shot of the baby.
A'la 'Baby Bob', he speaks with a grown up male voice.
Baby: You want to do what, now!? I just got this thing!
Carla: There're really no medical advantages to circumcision.
Woman: [to her husband] I told you.
Man: [to his wife] I'm not talking about medical, I'm talking about personal.
Woman: [to husband] And you wanted to slice into his manhood to pluck his fruit.
They continue to bicker, but are drowned out by....
J.D.'s Thoughts: That's just great.
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Evening
J.D. enters the front door. Elliot is on the couch.
J.D.: Ugh! What a day! Whoo-ee! I am as stressed out and vulnerable as I was last night.
He slumps on to the couch next to her.
Elliot: Me too.
J.D.: What to do? What to do...what to do, what to do, what to do?
Elliot: I don't feel like doing anything.
J.D.: Oh, come on, we could--we could rent a movie...got a fresh pack of Uno cards....
Elliot whimpers disinterestedly.
J.D.: You know what we could do? We could have sex again -- I'm throwing it out there.
Elliot: Bite me.
She gets up off the couch.
J.D.: Oh, come on! I'm sorry, I was kidding! I'm just--it's just a joke!
Elliot: No, I mean it -- like you did last night.... Come bite me.
She pulls off her top, revealing a cute little pink bra (shocker), and throws her shirt at him before going in to J.D.'s bedroom.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Stay calm.
He rushes towards the bedroom, trying to cut time by leaping over the couch. He falls with an "oof!"
J.D.'s Bedroom -- Morning
J.D. and Elliot are lazily waking up in J.D.'s bed.
Elliot: I'm so relaxed. It's like I totally forgot about being a doctor, you know?
J.D.: You're a doctor?
Elliot: Problem is that we already know that we don't work as a couple.
J.D.: Oh, we're a train wreck.
Elliot: So we can't keep doing this.
J.D.: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hello, and whoa!
Elliot: J.D., it's just sex.
J.D.: Look, Elliot, we're adults. I don't think we have to apologize for enjoying what we're doing.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when she said the words every man is dying to hear.
Elliot: I guess we could just be sex buddies.
Triumphant trumpet music plays.
J.D.: If you want....
The new mother and her husband are still arguing over their baby's circumcision as Dr. Kelso stands at their bedside.
Woman: Well, you've always said you felt insufficient, so why---
Man: Dr. Kelso, my wife simply won't listen to reason---
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Merrick, even if your son isn't circumcised, he will still look like you! 'Course, he'll have to put on a couple hundred pounds.
Dr. Kelso: I kid. You're a dashing man, just dashing. Have you modeled?
J.D. is watching the proceedings from the doorway. The Janitor comes up behind him.
Janitor: What's all that about?
J.D.: Oh, I...can't tell you, it's, you know, doctor-patient confidentiality.
Janitor: Oh, right. Tell me.
J.D.: No, no, I'm--I'm not kidding. I...can't.
Janitor: Can't...or won't?
He walks away.
J.D. yells after him....
J.D. walks over to the Nurses' Station
Carla: [nodding at the new parents' room] Are they still going at it?
J.D.: Nah. Kelso calmed 'em down. I think we're okay.
Carla: We're not okay.
J.D.: What are you talking about?
He turns back around to be almost nose-to-nose with Dr. Kelso.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ohhhh.
Elliot is walking through, pulling at an annoying bra strap through her scrubs top.
Turk stops her.
Turk: Elliot! You said you were gonna get that CAT-scan of Mrs. Credin's abdomen.
Elliot: I have been crazy-busy. I was stuck on the phone all morning with bill collectors who, by the way, are obsessed with money! I spent an hour in my truck looking for clean bras because all I've got left is this date-night push-up one -- and, to be honest, I don't like working with these things under my chin all day. Plus, I am walking _someplace_ right now, and, for the life of me, I can't remember where.
Turk: Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it for you.
She races off.
Cut back to...
Dr. Kelso is holding his badge under J.D.'s nose.
Dr. Kelso: Does this name tag say "Chief of Medicine"?
J.D.: Uh, yes, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Funny. Because that couple back there thought it said, "Hi, I'm Bob, ask me about your baby's johnson!" Dammit, in my hospital, we do not go out on a limb with our opinions!
He starts off down the hallway.
Carla comes out of the station, grabbing J.D. by the hand and pulling him along down the hall after Dr. Kelso.
Carla: So, what? If a patient has questions in 'your hospital,' you just ignore them?
Dr. Kelso: Look: Stay away from definite answers. Leave yourself some wiggle room. Say things like, We'll do what we can, or We'll get back to you on that, or...Hell, I don't know.
J.D.: Couldn't think of a third one, sir?
Dr. Kelso: That _was_ the third one. [under breath] Ass-face.
Dr. Cox comes up to Turk
Dr. Cox: Hey, Chum! Whatta ya say? Listen, I just wanted to tell ya not to worry about getting that silly CAT-scan on Mrs. Credin; because it turns out I'm just gonna rip her stitches open, jam my head in there, and have a look around for myself.
Turk: Okay, Dr.---
Dr. Cox: Dammit! When I tell you to do something, you sure as hell better get it done!
He continues chewing out Turk, but is drowned out by....
J.D.'s Narration: It sucks being yelled at. Especially when it's someone else's fault.
Todd and Turk are leaning against the counter.
Todd: T-Dog, that was big of you to cover for Elliot. You know, I had a good mind to spank her yesterday.
Turk: What, she screw up with one of your patients, too?
Turk: Still, Elliot seems so frazzled, she keeps making one mistake after another. I mean, I wish I could help her out. I have no idea how that woman handles the stress.
Elliot leaps out of the bed, where J.D. still looks completely drained.
Elliot: Woo! I feel _so_ much better! See ya, bud!
J.D.: Later, dude.
Cut back to...
The Hospital -- Nurses' Station
Carla is talking to J.D.
Carla: You know, Mr. Woodbury's son is getting married this weekend; he keeps asking me if he's gonna be able to go.
J.D.: He's had a nasty case of pneumonia. Let's see. [reads the chart] Well, his leukocytosis is resolved, and his blood cultures are negative.... Tell him we'll do the best we can.
Carla: Oh, come on! Can't we just tell him that he can go?
J.D.: Where's the wiggle room in that? There's no wiggle!
She gives him pleading eyes.
J.D.: Fine. Let me just tell him with you so I can enjoy it, too.
Flash to...Mr. Woodbury's Room
J.D. happens to be passing the door to see Carla standing at the man's bedside for this exchange.
Mr. Woodbury: Thank you so much!
He pulls her into an appreciative hug.
Carla: Oh! Oh, you're so very welcome! It's my pleasure.
Mr. Woodbury: This is great.
J.D. and Turk are walking through. Elliot is up ahead, approaching from the other direction.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, just give her a casual nod -- you don't want Turk to know what's going on.
The sex buddies nod at each other as they pass.
Turk: Dude, you're totally hitting that.
J.D.: How do you do that?
Turk: It's a gift. Now, you remember what happened the last time you two got together, right?
J.D.: Oh, relax, man. We're just having fun.
Turk: What are you guys, just sex buddies or something?
The music plays.
J.D.: Fo' shizzle.
They give a small high five.
Turk: I don't wanna get all Dr. Phil on you, but the last time I checked, women have a hard time separating sex from emotions. So, you may think you're just tappin' that right now, but pretty soon she's gonna be like, "J.D., I need you."
J.D.: Look, if it ever got that emotional, I'd break it off.
Turk: Okay. Oh, by the way, dude right there is totally hitting that dude! He's totally hitting him!
They look over at two guys exchanging a chart.
J.D.: You are good!
Turk: I know.
Turk takes off.
J.D.: I'm so glad Esteban found someone!
Dr. Cox: What's up, Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: This Friday, my church group's doing a production of 'Rent', if you want to go?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.... What's up that doesn't make me want to shoot myself?
Elliot: How's Mr., uh....Lawrence doing?
Dr. Cox: I'm afraid that's no longer any of your business -- he's not your patient as of 2 o'clock this afternoon. He asked for a new doctor.
Elliot: That's the second patient to switch off of my service today, what is the deal?
Dr. Cox: Maybe they were both so overwhelmed by the high quality of your care that they just couldn't stand it another second.
Elliot: You know what? I'm not gonna let you make me feel like crap today. Every doctor here -- including you -- has had patients switch off of them for no reason at all, and it is just some dumb little coinkydink that it happened to me twice on the same day. Now, if, uh, the two of you will excuse me, I have to go check on Mrs. Finnegan's chest x-rays.
Nurse Roberts: Uh, no you don't. She switched off, too.
J.D.'s Narration: Around here, things can turn bad in a heartbeat.
Dr. Kelso approaches Carla.
Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, Mr. Woodbury is still requiring a lot of O2, I'm afraid we're gonna have to keep him here over the weekend. Do me a favor: Give him the skinny, will you.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess when you work in a world of uncertainty, it's great to have something at home you can count on.
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
J.D.'s enters the front door. Elliot sits alone on the couch in the darkened room.
J.D.: Elliot? What are you doing?
Elliot: [teary] Sitting in the dark...crying. So, you know, the usual.
J.D.: Oh. Okay.
She rushes over to him and collapses in his arms.
Elliot: J.D., I had such a crappy day. I really need you right now. Come here.
She starts kissing him and tugging at his clothes.
J.D.'s Thoughts: She needs you? Oh, my God, Turk was right. You have to stop kissing her, and put an end to this before she gets hurt!
She pulls back to look at him.
Elliot: Is there something wrong?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Eh, she's a tough kid -- you can tell her later.
They resume kissing.
J.D.'s Bedroom -- Morning
J.D. stares at the ceiling while Elliot rests her head on his chest.
J.D.'s Thoughts: What did you do? All right, don't panic! Maybe she didn't enjoy it.... Oh, come on, who're you kidding?
Elliot: I just don't get it. I mean, why are so many of my patients switching off on me? Are my hands _that_ cold?
She rests her hand on his chest. He is visibly stricken by the temperature.
Elliot: You didn't tell anyone that I'm Republican, did you?
Elliot: [sighs] God, this can't be happening! I'm a doctor! What the hell use is being a doctor if nobody lets you treat them? What is going on with my life?
To take her mind off her panic, Elliot begins kissing and licking J.D.'s chest.
J.D.'s Thoughts: This is not the time to talk it out. So you just need to get out of the situation without making her suspicious.
The phone rings.
J.D. sits up and answers.
J.D.: Hello? ... Oh, hi, Mom! ... Yeah! I miss you, too! I haven't spoken to you in so long.
Elliot quietly collects herself and sneaks out of the room.
J.D.: Hi, Mr. Turk. ... No, Chris isn't here. ... No! No, sir, I didn't say "Mom," I said..."mon," like, "Hey, mon, we be jammin'!" ... N-no, sir, I don't think all black people are Jamaican.
Elliot sticks her head in the door to grab a forgotten item.
J.D.: I--I love you too, Mommy!
She leaves again.
J.D.: Sir, could you call back later? Chris will be home.
J.D. is attempting to unlock his locker. He's failing. The Janitor comes up behind him.
Janitor: Yeah, there's been some break-ins, I had to change all the locks on these lockers. You should have gotten your new combination in the mail.
J.D.: Well, I didn't. Do you know what it is?
J.D.: But you're not gonna tell me, are you.
Janitor: Can't. Janitor-locker confidentiality.
J.D.'s Thoughts: He made that up.
J.D. begins tugging on the locker once more.
Elliot is on one of the couches, watching TV.
Turk: Are you watching 'Sesame Street'?
Elliot: You know, when I was a kid, I had my first sex dream about Mr. Hooper. Least I think it was a sex dream -- he was trying to choke me.
Turk: Yeah, that--that's sweet. Um, what, are you on a break or something?
Elliot: Well, I have nothing else to do, because none of my patients want to see me.
Turk: But that's a good thing, right? Because, now, you have time to take care of your life!
Elliot: Why are you being so weird?
Dr. Cox is revealed to have been sitting in one of the chairs on the other side of the room.
Dr. Cox: Well, of course, that could be because he's shaving his dome so much lately that the hair is actually starting to grow inward -- it's an affliction commonly known as the "infro." But, if I were to guess just exactly why he's been acting weird lately, I would say it's because...he's the one who's been steering your patients away from you.
He sits back in his chair, propping his feet on the table. He whips out a bag of chips.
Dr. Cox: [gleeful] Discuss.
J.D. and Carla are at the door of Mr. Woodbury, watching him sing the praises of Carla to the room full of his family.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Carla has to give Mr. Woodbury the bad news.
Mr. Woodbury: I love this nurse ... She's wonderful!
Carla: How bad could it be?
In the room, the man sees Carla at the door.
Mr. Woodbury: Oh, look, here she is! Come on in! I want you to meet my family!
J.D.'s Thoughts: I wonder how he'll take it?
***Fantasy Shot: Carla shares the bad news.
A few of Mr. Woodbury's family members grab Carla. She shrieks and hollers.
Mr. Woodbury: Take her! Out the window! Throw her out the window!
They raise her above their heads and throw her at the pane of glass. She bounces off and hits the floor with a thud.
Carla: Here goes.
She begins to head in. J.D. stops her.
J.D.: Wait, wait, you know what? Come on...Mr. Woodbury's doing well enough to be discharged. I don't mind standing up to Kelso on this one. Time to take the "G-R" off my gratitude and give that old bastard some attitude, J.D. style!
He starts off down the hall.
Carla points in the other direction.
Carla: His office is that way.
J.D.: I know, I have to go throw up first.
Dr. Cox watches Elliot and Turk face off.
Elliot: What the hell, Turk!
Dr. Cox: Ohhh, good, Barbie! Now really access the anger!
Elliot: How could you do that to me?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, honestly. How could you?
Turk: Okay, I just wanted to protect you -- give you a little break.
Dr. Cox: The old "I'm trying to help you" gambit? Barbie, see through that. Yo' kick him! Yo' kick him right now!
She turns and leaves.
Dr. Cox: "I'm sorry!"
A Patient's Cubicle
Elliot is tending sleeping man. J.D. spies her from outside.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, now's your chance. You're at work, so she won't get emotional. Walk in there, and tell her things are getting too serious. Just...butter her up first.
He goes in.
J.D.: Well, look at you, Miss No One's Ever Gonna Want Me To Be Their Doctor Again! I don't see Mr. Ellis, here, complaining.
Elliot: He's in a coma.
J.D.: Elliot, we should talk.
Elliot: I found out that Turk was telling my patients to switch off of my service.
Elliot: Yeah, he said he was trying to protect me.
J.D.: I'll go talk to him.
He starts to leave, then stops.
J.D.: That I.V. looks like it's infiltrating. Nurse must've screwed up.
Elliot: [to self] Um. I did that.
Carla exits Mr. Woodbury's room with a smile.
Dr. Kelso approaches her.
Dr. Kelso: Well, what's with the mouthful of Chicklets, sweetheart?
Carla: Oh, no special reason, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Really? I thought it might be because young Dr. Dorian came to see me with his feathers all up and his voice a-crackin', and told me he was letting Mr. Woodbury go.
Carla: Oh, did he?
Dr. Kelso: Yup. [chuckles] And his knees were knocking so loud, I almost didn't see you standing above him, pulling the strings.
Carla: Look, Dr. Kelso, all---
Dr. Kelso: Ah, maybe Mr. Woodbury will be fine. Maybe he'll be back here in a few days even worse for wear because you rushed him out. Who knows? But, darn it all, though, if what I don't think is the bigger question, is why you even give a hoot?
Carla: Well, actually, sir, I have this little problem with caring for my patients.
Dr. Kelso: Still, if you decide later that what you really care about is how much your patients like you, you can always change your mind about letting Mr. Woodbury leave. Hell, I'll even back you up.
He leaves her with that choice.
Outside the Hospital
J.D. comes up to Turk as he starts to shoot a basket. J.D. grabs the ball, and kicks it off the lot.
J.D.: Apologize to you?
Turk: No. To Richard -- that was his basketball.
J.D. turns to see a very, very, very large staffer with an angry expression standing behind him.
J.D.: Hello, Richard. I'll tell you what: Tomorrow, at lunch, I'll--I'll--I'll bring you a new basketball.... And a hoagie.
Richard goes back inside.
Turk: What's up? This is about Elliot? Don't you want to hear my side of the story with your little sex buddy?
The music plays.
Turk: Come on, man, where's the love? Where's the--where's the loyalty? Where's the automatically siding with the person you care about the most?
J.D. looks at him.
Turk: Oh, my God, that's what you're doing, isn't it. Isn't it?
Turk shakes his head and goes back inside.
J.D.'s Narration: Some realizations stop you in your tracks. Others can lead you in new directions.
ICU -- Nurses' Station
Elliot approaches Dr. Cox.
Elliot: Dr. Cox. I just wanted to let you know that Turk did the right thing by taking my patients off of my service.
Dr. Cox: Noooo. What that yellow-bellied scalpel jock should have done was to go down to Surgery and schedule himself for an early morning add-a-pair-tomy. That way, if it took, he'd have the stones to at least come and talk to you next time he had a problem.
Elliot: I just can't seem to stop letting my life out there affect my life in here, you know?
Dr. Cox: Well, hell, Barbie...look at me. It's not like I've always been the centered, well-adjusted guy-smiley you see walking up and down the halls of this dump; I mean, stuff like that takes time. But, eventually, you learn to keep your personal problems separate from this place.
Elliot: So, what do I do until then?
Dr. Cox: You get your damn life in order.
He starts to walk away, then turns back.
Dr. Cox: Oh, and, Barbie? Let's say word were to get out that Uncle Cox was doling out the feel goods? I'll make ya pay -- ya have no idea. Huge!
He leaves, snickering to himself.
J.D.'s Narration: It's a funny thing when we're forced to see ourselves in a new light.
Mr. Woodbury is being wheeled out. Carla rushes up to him.
Carla: Mr. Woodbury! Hold on a sec!
J.D.'s Narration: Hopefully, you see yourself in time to make a change.
Carla: Unfortunately, we're not comfortable discharging you just yet. I'm really, really sorry.
J.D.'s Narration: And hopefully you'll be respected for it.
Mr. Woodbury: You evil little witch!
Overhearing this, Dr. Kelso steps in.
Dr. Kelso: Let me see that chart, Nurse!
He grabs the chart and reads it.
Dr. Kelso: Well! I see no reason we should keep Mr. Woodbury any longer! Enjoy your son's wedding, sir! Cherish the moment!
Mr. Woodbury: Thank you so much, Dr.....?
Dr. Kelso: Kelso! Bob Kelso!
Mr. Woodbury: Bye, Bob!
He's wheeled out.
Dr. Kelso: [to Carla] Glad I could help.
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Living Room
J.D. is wearing a very nice red shirt as he lights some candles around the darkened room. One of the candles and two glasses of wine are already set up on the coffee table.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes, the new light opens your eyes to something you've known in your heart all along.
Elliot: It just feels like every day keeps getting worse.
She takes in the scene.
Elliot: What's all this?
J.D.: [smiling] Nothing.... I just felt like taking care of you.
Elliot: That is so nice!
J.D.'s Thoughts: It's nice because it's the beginning of something.
He welcomes her into his arms and gives her a kiss.
She enjoys it for only a second, then pulls back.
Elliot: I.... I can't do this.
J.D.: Okay, less tongue, less tongue.
He leans toward her again, but she stops him.
Elliot: No, this. You know -- sex buddies.
The trumpet tries to play again, but it's off key -- a very sickening sound.
Elliot: J.D., Dr. Cox and I were talking, and my life is just so scattered right now. And I just...I just can't seem to grab a toe-hold, you know? And...I know myself, and if we keep doing this, I'm not gonna be able to separate the sex from my feelings. And we'll just end up being a couple again. And...neither one of us wants that, right?
The acoustic version of Del Amitri's "Tell Her This" begins to play as J.D. looks at Elliot, trying to gather his courage.
Elliot: I mean, I know I don't.
J.D.: Me neither.
Elliot: So, what do we do?
The song pleads, "Tell her not to go."
J.D.: Uh.... It's--it's no big deal. You--you get your stuff out of my room, and you crash on the couch.
The song continues as J.D. desperately watches Elliot grab her stuff and settle in on the couch.
She picks up the candle from the coffee table and blows it out.
J.D. heads into his room, sad and alone, and closes the door.