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J.D.'S BEDROOM -- MORNING J.D. is lying in bed staring at the ceiling as Elliot sleeps, her arms around him and her head resting on his chest.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm a sick man. Last night, after three years of chasing Elliot, I convinced her to dump her perfect boyfriend and then immediately realized I don't want her. What the hell's wrong with me? Luckily she doesn't have to get up until 9 and she's an incredibly heavy sleeper.
He throws her off of him and gets out of bed. He struggles to keep his balance as he jerks some pants on, but loses it, collapsing back on the bed, bouncing off of Elliot on his way to the floor.
J.D.: Ooh! Ooh! Ooog!
She never stirs.
J.D.'s Thoughts: An _incredibly_ heavy sleeper.
He tests how heavy by swatting her butt.
He grabs his clothes and sneaks out of the room.
Cut to... APARTMENT BUILDING -- HALL J.D. knocks on the door of one of the apartments.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I knew I needed to talk this over with someone who understood me. Someone I had recently been intimate with.
The door is answered by a naked guy we'll soon come to know as Larry.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, not him.
Danni appears next to the guy.
Danni: J.D., this is Larry. Larry, this is J.D.
Larry: I think I'll go put on some underwear.
J.D.: Please, Larry!
Larry goes back inside.
J.D.: What the hell you doing with that guy?
Danni: I don't know. I thought it'd be cool to date a celebrity.
J.D.: He's not a celebrity!
Larry returns with underwear.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait a second!
J.D.: Are you the Soup Nazi from 'Seinfeld'?
J.D.: Say the soup thing.
Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Turk is going over a chart as Carla excitedly rushes up to him.
Carla: [giddy] Turk! We're getting married tomorrow!
Carla: [slugs him] Why aren't you excited?
Turk: 'Cause, baby, we've been here for an hour and you've already said it like thirteen times.
Carla: [jumping up and down] But we're getting married tomorrow!!!! [giggles]
He laughs to humor her, and it works. They kiss with a "mwah."
Carla: Have you been working on your vows?
Turk: Define "work."
Carla: It's the difference between special birthday sex and _no sex_ on our wedding night.
Turk: Yeah, I do like the special birthday sex.
Carla: Turk, when I asked you if you wanted to write your own vows, you said yes.
Turk: Baby, I'm on top of it, all right? I promise you this weekend'll go off without a hitch!
Carla: Oh, hey, how did it go picking up my brother at the airport this morning?
Turk: I'm sorry, what?
Carla: How could you forget him!? You two have enough trouble getting along as it is!
Turk: Baby, I'm joking!
Turk laughs. But then bolts as soon as Carla's back is turned. She turns back confused by his sudden disappearance.
Continue to... HOSPITAL EXTERIOR -- EMERGENCY ENTRANCE Turk runs out just in time to see a beat up truck pull up to the curb, Marco and a sheep riding in back.
Turk: Hey, Marco! The invites said no dates!
Marco gives him a bitter look and the sheep baas.
Turk: No da--....
Meanwhile... DANNI'S APARTMENT J.D. is seated across from the two lovebirds.
J.D.: Look, Danni, the reason I'm here is -- well, first of all I wanted to give you back your skull lighter.
He hands it over.
J.D.: Secondly, you always seem to have some insight in to why I'm so messed up. I mean here I-I chase after Elliot for three years, now I don't want her!
Danni: Well maybe it's 'cause you idealize women and no one can live up to your standards.
J.D.: Why would I idealize women?
Danni: What's your mom like?
- FLASHBACK: J.D.'S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM
J.D.'s mother is tucking him in to bed -- we never see her face. Disturbingly swanky music plays as she lovingly strokes her boy's face and hair.
J.D.'s Mom: I love you, honey. You're the smartest, handsomest, sweetest boy in the whole world. And no matter how hard you look, you will never find a woman who'll love you as much as I do.
Little J.D.: I know, Mommy.
- BACK TO PRESENT
J.D.: My mom is perfect.
Larry: Look, kid, you're just confused. All you need to do is focus on the little things you love about her. [begins gazing at Danni] Like...the way she puts out a cigarette...or how when she finishes a beer, she looks inside the can just to check if there's any left.
Danni: Sweetie, it's 5 to 9, and my Denver omelet's not gonna make itself.
J.D.: It's 5 to 9?! I gotta go!
He leaps up and races to the door.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, he is so the Soup Nazi! Trick him!
He stops and turns.
J.D.: What is it again? It's like, you're out of luck in the soup department?
Larry: [thick accent] NO SOUP FOR YOU!
J.D.: Ha! Rad.
He continues out.
Continue to... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT J.D. stumbles back in, frantically pulling his clothes off. He's tripped up by his pants.
J.D.: Oooog! Ow!
He pulls himself back up and dives into bed, jerking the still heavily sleeping Elliot back over his chest just as the alarm start to go off. Elliot finally groggily awakes and turns it off. She looks up at him, smiling.
Elliot: What are you doing?
J.D.: Just lying here, watching you sleep.
She happily lays her head back down on his chest.
HOSPITAL PARKING LOT J.D. and Elliot, hand in hand, walk in to work.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I don't think my hang-up with Elliot has anything to do with my sexy, amazing mom. And I'm not that much of a commitophobe. Maybe I just don't feel I deserve someone as great as Elliot because I have low self-esteem.
Elliot: Do you know that you have really nice hands?
He lets go of her hand and outstretches his.
J.D.: "Nice"? Elliot, these are the hands of a god!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Fine, so it's not the self-esteem thing.
J.D.'s Narration: Then Elliot and I got to witness an event that many had spoken of, but none had ever seen.
A large van squeals into a parking space. The Janitor gets out of the driver's side.
Elliot: [in awe] The arrival of the janitors!
The Janitor helps open up the back of the van as, clown car style, half a dozen guys in grey jumpsuits (and still with the Neil Flynn hair) pour out.
Janitor: [miffed] Is it? Is it really?
J.D.: No, I was--I was kidding.
The Janitor goes on ahead, and another of the janitors stops to warn J.D.
Another Janitor: I'd stay out of his way today. He just lost the election for union president.
J.D.: Who won?
The guy nods towards the steps into the building, where Randall, in a sharp suit, is sitting on the rail as the janitors enter the hospital.
Yet Another Janitor: [passing Randall] Congratulations, sir.
And Another Janitor: [passing Randall] Hey.
Randall: Welcome to work, boys! Be the best janitors you can be today!
The Janitor stands against the wall, bitterly taking this in.
Randall: [holding out his hand] No hard feelings, brah.
Janitor: Oh, there's hard feelings.
The Janitor grips Randall's hand, squeezing for all he's worth.
Janitor: Grrrrrrrrrrr...hah! Eh?
Randall: [meeting the challenge] All right.
Randall squeezes the Janitor's hand, bringing the big guy to his knees.
Janitor: Nyah! What the? Oh! It's like a mechanical vice!
There's a cracking sound as the Janitor writhes and yowls in pain.
Another Janitor: [puts his arm around J.D.] Change is good.
Meanwhile... DR. COX'S APARTMENT Jordan observes the nanny feeding the baby as Dr. Cox comes in from the bedroom.
Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, I slept like a log.
Jordan: Really. See, I didn't notice, 'cause I was up all night with Jack.
Dr. Cox: Tell me this: How do you not scare him when you go in there? Do you wear a nanny mask, or do you just slap on a nametag that says "Hi, I'm your mommy"?
Jordan: I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me -- Jimmy's mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody to Chuck E. Cheese!
Dr. Cox: Say the word and I'll go out and buy a whole new wardrobe; and to pay for it we'll just sell one of your shoes!
Their raised tones start Jack crying.
Jordan: Great! We made him cry!
She goes over to the baby to comfort him.
Jordan: If we keep this up, we're gonna scar him for life!
Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.
Jordan: I am not fighting with you anymore. Ever!
She takes the baby off to the other room.
HOSPITAL -- DOCTORS' LOUNGE Marco is on one of the couches, watching 'When Harry Met Sally' on the TV. Such a fan is he that he mouths the dialogue along with the actors.
Billy Crystal: [on TV] How 'bout this way: I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are--
Turk comes in, a pen and pad of paper in hand, and shuts off the TV.
Marco: TuPac! I was watching that!
Turk: Dude! I gotta do my vows!
He flops onto the couch next to the incensed Marco.
Marco: Oh, come on, man! That was 'When Harry Met Sally' -- it was a classic!
Turk: Oh, yeah, dude! You know, I was gonna rent that the other night, but then I remembered I'm a heterosexual.
Marco tries to grab the remote back, but their scuffle is interrupted by Carla's entrance.
Carla: Too bad you couldn't remember to go to the airport.
Turk: [to Marco] You told her?
Carla: Yes, Turk, he did. Now, if you two can stop your petty crap for just one second, maybe we can focus on what this wedding weekend is supposed to be about.
Marco &: [monotone] Love. Turk
Carla: No! ME! Promise me you'll get along.
Marco &: [monotone] Okay. Turk
She leaves again.
Marco mutters something as he dives at Turk in another play for the remote.
HALL The Janitor, his hand all bandaged up, rips down a rather homemade-looking campaign sign which reads "JANITOR for Union President"
Janitor: Get outta my face.
J.D., several yards down the hall, stops.
Janitor: I'm just saying the next person that gets in my face is gonna wish they hadn't.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Sociopath!
From down the hall, Elliot spots J.D. and runs at him.
Elliot: Catch me, stud!
J.D. was too engrossed in the Janitor's mood to prepare for her sudden arrival, and fails to catch her. They both tumble to the ground.
Elliot: You know, most guys woulda caught me. I love that you didn't! [laughs]
She gets up and helps J.D. to his feet.
J.D.: Oh! Cool!
He puts his arm around her and they continue walking through the hall together.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit for me. I mean, I'm the kinda guy who likes stupid movies.
Elliot: Hey, let's rent 'Kangaroo Jack' tonight!
J.D.'s Thoughts: And I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.
Elliot: Or we could just go shoot rats at the dump!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Dammit, she's perfect on paper! What the hell's wrong with me?
They arrive at... NURSES' STATION Elliot looks at J.D. and smiles.
Elliot: Nothing. I just love the way you drift off in your head sometimes.
She starts going over a chart. J.D. drifts off in his head again.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I guess the Soup Nazi was right, it is the little things that are important. Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face.
She does so.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Or how she's the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.
Elliot: [doing so] Atchoo. Ahem. 'Scuse me.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized that I really liked all those things about Elliot, but I didn't love them...and I didn't love her.
Elliot: You're the best.
She gives him a kiss.
Elliot: See you later.
He watches her go down the hall.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, boy.
HALL Jordan and Dr. Cox walk through together, passing a very spiffy looking campaign poster which reads "RANDALL for Union President"
Jordan: Oh, my God! That board meeting went on forever! It was so dull, I had to read pamphlets just to stay awake. Good news is? Don't have testicular cancer.
Dr. Cox: Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?
Jordan: What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get? If you want someone to fight with, you have to find someone else. Mm-hmm.
She goes on ahead, leaving Dr. Cox in front of the mopping Janitor.
Dr. Cox: Oh, good. Here you're wetting down the floor for the older folks.
The Janitor looks up.
Janitor: Please say that you're talking to me.
Dr. Cox saunters over to him.
Dr. Cox: I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.
The Janitor throws down his mop and towers over Cox.
CAFETERIA Turk and Marco are at a table. Marco loudly snacks on a bag of chips as Turk slaves away on his vows.
Marco: Mmm! Oh. Oh.
Turk: Chew louder.
Marco intentionally smacks his mouth louder right at Turk. J.D. arrives, and takes a seat next to Marco.
J.D.: Turk, I need your help, man. It's about Elliot.
Marco: Why, did you sleep with her again?
J.D.: How does everybody know about this? Turk, I'm not in love with her, man. What am I supposed to do? It's killing me that I could be hurting her.
Marco meanwhile has gone back to eating. J.D. takes notice.
J.D.: You're a very loud chewer.
Turk: Dude, I would love to help right now, but I'm in the middle of writing my vows. And all I've got so far is, "Let's give it up for the caterers! [claps] WOO! Good chicken!"
J.D.: So now that you're gettin' married, it's all about you.
Turk: No, now that I'm getting married _tomorrow_, it's about me.
Marco: Ooh, still seems that you can take a minute for a friend.
J.D.: I know!
Turk: Shut up, Marco!
HALL The Janitor and Dr. Cox continue their stare down. Cox gets the party started by jabbing the Janitor in the shoulder.
Janitor: [chuckles evilly] That was a mistake.
Dr. Cox: Why's that? Because you're afraid you can't take me?
Janitor: Nnnooo. It's 'cause of this. Boys!
Suddenly all of the Janitor's fellow maintenance men pop out of different doors in the hall and approach Cox, picking him up.
Janitor: You know where to take him.
Dr. Cox: Where to take me?
They carry him down the hall.
Dr. Cox: Wait, who's taking me wh--? Maintenance? Maintenance? Uh-oh. We-hey. ___ now. The maintenance brothers!
The Janitor does a little victory dance down the hall.
TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Turk and Marco are on the couch. Carla comes in from the kitchen with the phone in her hand and sits between them.
Carla: That was Father Paul. He said we can't read our own vows, we have to use the same Catholic ones like everyone else.
Turk's inner glee is momentarily evident before he covers for Carla's sake.
Turk: Aw, baby, Carla, that sucks. 'Cause you know, I was gonna totally blow you away.
Marco: Since you guys worked so hard, why don't you just read 'em at the rehearsal dinner tonight?
Carla: That's a fantastic idea!
Behind Carla's back, Turk makes an "I'm gonna kill you" gesture at Marco.
Carla: Isn't it, Turk?
Carla: Awesome! I'm gonna go work on them some more.
She hops up from the couch. Marco, ever so pleased with himself, loudly munches on his snack.
HOSPITAL -- HALL J.D. walks through.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in love with Elliot. But I'm a man, and even though it was gonna be tough, I knew exactly what I had to do.
He approaches her at the Nurses' Station.
J.D.: Ready to go? I say we pick up some Chinese and hang at home tonight.
J.D.'s Narration: I was going to stay with her for the rest of my life.
They put their arms around each other and walk down the hall.
MORGUE J.D. and Elliot enter, still all cuddly.
J.D.'s Narration: Once you embrace a relationship and decide that you're really in, everything becomes easier. And I am in, baby!
Elliot: So, my parents are coming to town next week.
J.D.: We must eat with them!
Elliot: Oh. All right.
They stop over a body on the table in the middle of the room..
J.D.: Hey, Elliot. Thanks for letting me crash at your place while Carla's family's in town for the wedding.
Elliot: Oh, it's not problem. See ya, roomie.
She leans over the body and kisses him sweetly before heading out.
J.D.'s Thoughts: And now we live together.
He heads over to the bank of drawers. There's a knocking noise from inside.
J.D. pulls the drawer out to find Dr. Cox laying on the bed, bound and gagged with duct-tape. (So this is the fate that could have befallen J.D. in "His Story"...)
J.D.: What the?
He pulls the tape away from Dr. Cox's mouth.
Dr. Cox: Sheila!
J.D.: [startled] Aaagh!
He whips the tape back.
Dr. Cox: [muffled] Lgh mm ogh rm um ghna kghl ghu!
J.D.: I can only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm gonna kill ya" -- not gonna happen. Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay? So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor.
Dr. Cox squeals in frustration and pulls at his binds.
J.D.: I know! I know that makes you angry, but--
With sudden strength, Dr. Cox breaks the tape around his wrists.
Dr. Cox's hands fly to J.D.'s throat.
J.D.: [choking] Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the other way! However you wanna do--
He's yanked down.
NURSES' STATION -- A BIT LATER Dr. Cox is back to work, going over a chart. Carla arrives with a form.
Carla: Dr. Cox.
He looks up at her, the flesh all around his mouth bright red.
Carla: Why is your mouth red?
Dr. Cox: Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer; don't piss off the Janitor; end of story.
Carla: ...'Kay... I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
Dr. Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
Dr. Kelso arrives, struggling with the pen in his hand.
Dr. Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.
Dr. Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
Dr. Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.
Dr. Kelso notices a cup of pens on the desk and reaches for them.
Dr. Kelso: Fine. I'll just take these.
Dr. Cox, not missing a beat, slaps the cup of pens across the station.
Dr. Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call!
He goes off again.
Dr. Kelso: Damn twisty bottoms!
Carla: You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
Dr. Cox: [whining] I can't stop!
ROOM Turk, in a suit jacket, stands delivering his vows.
Turk: Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby, you will be my baby forever, baby.
The camera pulls back to reveal that Turk is standing in his apartment, pantless.
Turk: Stop saying "baby"!
Marco comes in.
Marco: You're not even dressed yet!? We gotta pick up Carla on the way, man!
Turk: You know what, tell her I couldn't come up with anything, so I guess I don't love her.
Marco: [grabbing the notepad] Gimme that.
Turk: For what?
Marco: I'm gonna write your vows for you.
He sits down at the table and opens the pen.
Marco: Ooh! A clicky top!
Turk: Does this mean we're amigos?
Marco: No. It means that I love my sister, and she deserves to hear something beautiful said about her. And I'm positive if your life was on the line, you couldn't squeeze one eloquent coherent thought out of that tether ball you call a head!
Turk throws his arms around Marco gratefully.
Turk: Thank you!
Meanwhile... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT J.D. and Elliot are dressing for the rehearsal dinner. She helps him with his tie.
Elliot: God, I can't remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.
J.D.: How can you not remember that time we were with those--
Elliot: Oh, God! With the two guys!
J.D.: --the two guys, and their mom was trying to sing that song!
Elliot: [laughs] It was so funny!
J.D.: So funny.
Elliot imitates the musical attempt and laughs.
J.D.: Till they had to...put their horse down.
Elliot: Oh, yeah....
Elliot &: Poor Cinnamon. J.D.
Elliot: He could run like the wind, but his tail couldn't put out that fire.
Elliot: God, we have so much history together. So great to finally be able to call you my boyfriend.
Elliot: Oh, should I not have said that?
J.D.: No it's just...it's nice to hear it out loud.
J.D.'s Narration: And it was nice. I mean, here I was having my tie tied by this beautiful woman who happened to be one of my closest friends, and I realized that this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like.
She finally finishes adjusting his tie and collar.
Elliot: There. It's perfect.
J.D.: [finally submitting] Yeah, it is.
Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- EXAM ROOM Carla closes the door and pulls a stool over to the bed, where Dr. Cox is sitting. The redness of his mouth is slightly diminished.
Carla: What's going on with you?
Dr. Cox: Let's see, Jordan and I aren't, uh...we're not fighting anymore.
Carla: Oh, no. How long has this been going on?
Dr. Cox: Since the baby came along we've been fighting less and less.
Carla: Why don't you get a hotel room? Pour some nice champagne, get in a tub, and rip each other new ones. You know, make it special.
Dr. Cox: She won't go for that!
Carla: Well, you have to do something.
She pats his knee as she gets up and heads for the door.
Dr. Cox: No I don't, you jackass!
Carla: Ha ha! Sweetie, you ain't getting any here. I'm getting married tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Please?
She opens the door.
Carla: [doing a teasing dance] No. No. No.
She leaves. Dr. Cox whimpers.
Cut to... PRIVATE DINING ROOM Carla and Turk's family and friends -- including Marco, Nurse Roberts, Elliot and J.D. -- sit around the table watching Carla deliver her vows to Turk. Deep, emotional acoustic guitar music plays on the soundtrack.
Carla: ...And most of all, I wish our mom was with us tonight. Not because she was taken too early, but because she would see how happy you've made me, and she would love you forever for that.
He's all choked up.
Carla: And Christopher--
Turk: [tearful] Yes?
Carla: --I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you've managed to erase them all, because each and every one of them has led me to you.
Everyone applauds as Carla takes her seat.
J.D.: Wow. That's a hard act to follow.
Turk, up to the challenge, takes out his notecard and stands. Marco gives him a conspiratorial thumb's up. Turk winks. The acoustic guitar that had faded when Carla concluded her delivery picks up again.
Turk: [reading] Carla, I love that you get cold when it's seventy-one degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
Marco is seen mouthing along.
Turk: [continuing] I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. [she furrows her brow at him] Yeah, like you got right now! Just like that one! I love that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
J.D.: [hissing] Turk!
Turk: Dude, I'm workin' here. [continues] And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's our rehearsal dinner. I came here tonight because, when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
The music sickeningly stops on Carla's cold expression. The gathered guests look similarly nonplused. Marco, however, claps enthusiastically.
Turk: Yeah, baby?
Carla: That's the speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'.
Turk glares at Marco, who grins devilishly and waves.
Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- HALL Dr. Cox and Jordan walk through, on their way out.
Dr. Cox: Those pants make your ass look giant.
Jordan: Stop doing this.
Continue to... EXTERIOR -- WHEELCHAR RAMP They walk out.
Dr. Cox: I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
Jordan: Do I look mad?
Dr. Cox: You got so much Botox in your expressionless face, I can't tell.
Dr. Cox: Oh, is that a frown?
Continue to... DR. COX'S APARTMENT Jordan and Perry come in the front door.
Jordan: What else you got?
Dr. Cox: Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait till you're asleep and I turn it off!
Jordan: Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say!
Dr. Cox: Oh.
Jordan leans over to greet the baby.
Dr. Cox: You and your mother are basically the same person.
She freezes, fury in her eyes. She spins to face him.
Jordan: [choking back her anger] What did you say!? [silently, making a strangling motion] I'm gonna kill you!
Dr. Cox: If you don't wanna fight in front of Jack anymore, I understand that. But I don't think that means we gotta stop altogether. I mean, Jordan, you are an unpredictable, passionate person, and you challenge me each and every day. And, honestly, that's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm seventy and you're sixty-five and your face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.
Jordan: My face'll never look forty.
Dr. Cox: You're right, my bad.
PRIVATE DINING ROOM Turk is over at J.D. and Elliot's side of the table, Elliot standing for Turk to enjoy her seat, watching the other side where Carla's friends and family comfort her.
Turk: Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!
Elliot: I'm gonna go, uh, check on "Sally"! Ha!
Turk gives her a dirty look.
Elliot: Okay, not funny yet.
She nuzzles and kisses J.D.'s cheek before going.
Turk: So I take it you haven't broken up with her yet.
J.D.: Yeah, I decided to stay with her forever.
Turk: That's great, dude. I know you think you're being nice, but I'm pretty sure Elliot doesn't want to spend her life with someone who doesn't love her.
J.D.: Oh, you know what? If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go ahead and take relationship advice from someone whose fiancee is currently speaking to him. Ohhhh!
J.D. grabs a glass off the waiter's tray.
J.D.: Gimme some champagne! I need a victory sip!
He takes a long sip.
J.D. "ah"s from his drink.
Turk: You're making a big mistake.
J.D.: Come on, man. Elliot and I are like best friends. We love hanging out with each other. Maybe that's love. I mean, who--who knows what love really is?
Turk: I do. J.D., when I look at Carla, I see the future. I see kids, I see minivans, I see a beer gut -- on me, of course, not her.
J.D.: I hope so.
Turk: But you know what's really weird? None of that stuff scares me. Not even when--
Turk: Dude, I'm trying to make a point here.
Gavin DeGraw's "Follow Through" fades in.
J.D.: I know. Maybe you should stand up and say that.
Turk nods and stands.
She looks up.
Turk: When I look into your eyes, I see the future. I see kids, I see minivans...you name it, I see it. The weird thing is, though, as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.
J.D.'s Narration: Listening to Turk made me think a lot about love.
Meanwhile... DR. COX'S APARTMENT The nanny takes Jack off to bed, leaving Dr. Cox and Jordan to square off.
J.D.'s Narration: Like how sometimes it can be hard to understand.
Jordan: Why didn't you tell me you felt that way, you dumbass?
Dr. Cox: Because you're so much like your mother, you wouldn'ta listened anyway.
She slaps him across the face, then pulls him close. They kiss.
Dr. Cox: No biting.
Jordan: Just take it, you girl.
They kiss deeper.
Dr. Cox: Mmm.
Meanwhile... DINING ROOM Turk approaches Carla.
J.D.'s Narration: Other times, love's obvious to everyone.
Turk: ...Anyway, uh...
Just as Marco's about to take a sip of his wine, Turk sticks his fingers in his glass on his way past. He takes Carla in his arms.
Turk: ...I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me, but I promise I will try to show you...for the rest of my life. I love you.
Carla: I love you.
Across the room, Elliot snuggles up to J.D.
Elliot: Aren't they amazing?
J.D.: [whispering] I don't love you.
The song suddenly halts.
J.D.: [quavering] Please don't cry.
Elliot: Oh, I won't.
She angrily shoves him, and he flies across the table, collapsing unseen on the other side.
The song comes back up as the other guests react.
J.D.: [out of view] Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!
Her initial anger subdued, Elliot takes her seat again at the table next to Nurse Roberts.
Elliot: Oh, could I get a little more wine, please?
Intimidated, Nurse Roberts readily refills Elliot's glass as Elliot daintily takes a bite of her dinner, everyone watching her incredulously.
Elliot: This chicken is fantastic!
The song fades.