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Opening — Sacred Heart, Doctors' Lounge: J.D., Turk, and Elliot are sitting. J.D. has Elliot's bare right foot in his hands and is scratching it. Turk looks on, sitting next to J.D. but not participating.
J.D. Thoughts: As a doctor, there are certain procedures you just have a gift for.
Elliot: Oh. That feels so good. Right there. Yeah.
JD finishes and lets go of her right foot.
J.D.: Let's have the other foot.
Elliot reacts as though scalded and bolts upright in her chair.
Turk and J.D. startle at her reaction and then look at her oddly.
Elliot: Um. Um. It's just that there is something wrong with my left foot. You guys would think it's really disgusting.
Turk and J.D. scoff like they've seen it all and nothing could disgust them.
Turk: Elliot. I'm a surgeon. I cut people open. &
J.D.: I'm a doctor. <holds up his right hand> This has been in people.
Elliot: <ashamed and embarrassed> Okay. I have a huge bunion. <J.D. and Turk both pull looks of disgust, gagging, retching, etc., when Elliot is not looking. They snap back to normal expressions when she turns back> Sean's coming back in a few weeks. What am I supposed to do?
J.D.: Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
Elliot gives him a not-so-amused look. Turk is a little more practical in his advice.
Turk: Or... it's a simple surgery.
J.D., still wanting to score points off Sean, is not willing to give up his suggestion so easily.
J.D.: Uh, Turk, I think we already decided on Bunion-face.
Elliot has decided Turk makes more sense.
Elliot: Cut me the hell up.
J.D.: Dammit. <quietly>
Sacred Heart, Nurses' Station: Carla, Turk, and an unnamed doctor. Carla hands him a chart.
Unnamed Doctor: Thanks, Nurse Espinosa. <leaves nurses' station>
Carla: Turk? If I decide to keep my last name after we get married, that's no big deal, right?
Turk: 'Course not, baby. We'll just have one of those modern marriages where the husband and wife don't love each other.
Turk shakes his head in disbelief at her suggestion and walks away from the desk looking a bit hurt.
Carla: Turk! Wait! Turk! Turk! Whoa! <starts climbing over the desk, loses her balance and topples over the side, out of view>
J.D., having just witnessed Carla's lack of coordination from the other side of the room, calls out.
J.D.: You okay?
Carla: All good. <sticks her arm above the desk with a thumb's-up. J.D. gives her a thumb's-up in response, but doubtful she saw from her point of view.
Dr. Cox and Jordan walk into the area.
Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday. I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids. And we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Cox: How about a Russian Roulette booth? And here's the kicker. We put bullets in ALL the chambers. That way everyone<?> wins!
J.D. jumps into the conversation.
J.D.: Will there be a piñata? Because I need to know if I should bring my piñata helmet.
Jordan is irritated that this isn't being taken seriously.
Jordan: Hup-pah-bah! <To J.D.> Would you zip it, nerd? The only reason I invited you is because, for some reason, you have your own Spongebob Squarepants costume.
J.D. explains as though it were no fault of his own.
J.D.: It was a gift.
J.D. Thoughts: From me to me.
He looks away wistfully. Jordan, however, is still not up for his antics.
Jordan: Anyhoo. I'm thinking that you probably shouldn't come.
J.D.: Why not?
Cox: Because her whole family is in town.
Danni enters and stands next to Jordan. Nice imagery. Cox and J.D. facing off against Jordan and Danni.
Danni: <Coolly> Hey, J.D.
J.D. has the look of the deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming tractor-trailer upon seeing Danni again.
J.D. Thoughts: Oh my God! What do you say to a girl you dumped three weeks ago?
J.D.: I destroyed that videotape we made.
Jordan: <Concerned> What tape?
POV of a video camera with the flashing REC in the upper left corner of the screen with focusing brackets in the four corners. J.D. and Danni are standing (clothed, you hormone- driven pervs) in a field. J.D. is standing facing the camera, and Danni on the right side of the screen. She is gripping a golf club. She moves her arms back to go into a foreswing. Because of her proximity to J.D., her club drives right into J.D.'s crotch. J.D. has the look any guy would after having a metal rod driven into his package unexpectedly. (Actually, who would take one expectedly in the nether regions? Eh, never mind.)
He crumples forward on his knees. After a second, he gets up, apparently fine (maybe wearing a cup, I dunno). He starts to admonish Danni, who did not change her stance during the entire event.
J.D.: Danni, if you don't look concerned, no one in America's Funniest Home Videos is going to think this is real.
Danni, apparently bored with this activity, whines a little.
Danni: Can't we just go home and have sex?
J.D.: No! (I think he took a couple practice blows to the head, considering the shorts she's wearing.) Again, from the top.
J.D.: Now I'll never meet Bob Saget.
Cox looks at him in irritation and walks away.
Outside Sacred Heart, Jordan, Danni, Cox, and J.D. are walking across the parking lot.
J.D.: <To Cox> So, is their brother Ben coming to this thing too?
Cox: Oh yeah. He always has to make some grand entrance that he just winds up depressed afterwards.
They walk next to a parked car.
J.D.: Why is that?
A pair of legs slams down on the hood of the car they were just walking next to, as though the owner of the legs had jumped out of nowhere from the sky above. J.D. is so freaked out that he lets out a yell and loses his balance, falling backward, arms flailing, into a bush.
J.D.'s POV from the bush. Cox, Jordan, and Danni are all unfazed by the event and stand around the car nonchalantly. The guy who jumped on the hood is Ben, the brother of Jordan and Danni. He made his first appearance in My Occurrence <Ep. 1.22>. Ben and Cox get along great, and even take turns driving Jordan nuts. Ben's hobby is taking Polaroid pictures of people. However, he considers taking pictures of people while they are posing for said picture to be "unreal/fake," so he prefers to catch them off guard in their natural element. He's sort of like a lovable paparazzo who you just can't hold a grudge against. He was diagnosed with leukemia in My Hero <Ep. 1.23>, but it went into remission, and it is assumed he's doing well.
Cox: <To J.D.> 'Cause he never surprises us.
Ben sits down on the trunk he just landed on and readies the Polaroid camera around his neck.
Ben: <To Cox> Even a little bit?
Cox: & Jordan: No.:
J.D.: (OC in the bush) Thorns! Ah! Augh! Ow! Ouch! Ah!
Ben: Oh. Bloody. <Takes a picture> That's good. Now this time, try and do it with your head in a sort of a less jarring position.
J.D.: I can't!
Ben: That's perfect. <Take another picture>
Sacred Heart lobby
Black and white photo of J.D. in the thorny bush. Only his head and chest are visible. The picture shakes from side to side. Weird voice from OC accompanies motion of photo. Pans back to reveal Ben in lobby holding the photo in one arm and making a goofy face and silly voices.
Ben: <holding picture and making a high-pitched, squeaking voice> I'm a prickly pear. <weird voice with giggles>
J.D.'s arm comes into view to pluck the photo from Ben's grip.
J.D.: Can I see that for one second? <not waiting for a response, J.D. takes the photo away from Ben> Thanks.
J.D. tries valiantly to rip the photo in half, but the lamination is too great a challenge for him. Cox steps behind and between J.D. and Ben. J.D. gives a series of growls and yells as he tries to rip the picture in half.
J.D.: DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Cox: Not a strong moment for you, Polly.
J.D.: I need to get it started first. <He again tries to rip the photo in half> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Cox: <To Ben> So, you still doing the whole kooky-guy-who-brings-his-camera-everywhere thing?
Ben sidles up next to Cox and holds up his camera to get a picture of them in the same shot.
Ben: Till the day I die.
Cox and Ben both smile as Ben takes the picture.
J.D. pauses from trying to get a rip started in the photo.
J.D.: Is this thing made of Teflon?
Cox and Ben laugh at J.D.'s efforts.
Ben: <To J.D.> You know something? You have slept with both of my sisters. That means you and I have something in common.
J.D. laughs a little, thinking this is another joke, but seeing as Ben and Cox are not bursting out laughing, it gets uncomfortable very fast.
J.D.: I have to get going. <He leaves, slightly disturbed>
Ben makes sure J.D. is no longer within earshot.
Ben: <To Cox> Too weird?
Whew! They were just messing with J.D.'s head after all. Ben and Cox walk through the lobby.
Cox: What's weird is that it's taken my best friend so long to come and see my son. I mean, you get diagnosed with leukemia and then you disappear for two years. What is that about?
Ben: Well, it went into remission, and I wanted to see the world in all its splendor and glory.
Cox. How'd that go for you?
They arrive at the elevators.
Ben: <Shrugs> Eh. Got some good pictures though. Here, check it out. <Takes out some more black and white photos from his pocket> Look. Here's me at the Great Wall of China. <Picture of Ben's head against an indeterminable blank background; flips to another picture> This is me at the pyramids. <Another picture of Ben's head with nothing in the background to distinguish his surroundings; flips to another picture> What is this? Oh, yeah. This was you and me, like eight seconds ago. <Picture of Cox and Ben, smiling>
Cox interrupts and cuts right to the chase.
Cox: So Jordan tells me that while you were on your world leukemia tour, you neglected to visit a single doctor, medicine man, or scary shaman with the giant saucers in his ears. <Whispers> Psst. Ben. Turns out cancer's the kind of ailment that you occasionally want to check up on.
Ben: Fine. I'll get the exam.
Cox: <Normal voice, honest and good-natured> Tell you what. I missed the hell out of you. I did.
Ben: Thanks, Perry. I missed you too.
They lean in to kiss. They are just inches away from lip contact. Then Cox turns away and slams his hands against the wall next to the elevator doors.
Cox: Damn! Doh oh oh oh! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ben: <Screaming in triumph> YEAH! I AM THE KING OF GAY CHICKEN!
Cox: You deceiving...
Apparently, they were playing some version of "Chicken" where the guy who breaks away from the kiss first is the loser. They both get on the just-arrived elevator.
Exam room. Turk, Elliot, Carla. Elliot is sitting on the table with Turk and Carla facing her. Elliot is still wearing her left sock.
Turk: You know, Elliot, you are eventually going to have to take off your sock.
Elliot: If I do, then from now on, when one of you guys look at me, all you're going to think of me is "giant gross foot." <Turk and Carla exchange looks> It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand. All everybody thinks when they look at him is "big giant afro."
Carla: <admits> I do think that.
Turk: <Impatient at Elliot's stalling> Okay, you know what? Maybe it would be better if you focused on how you are doing this for Sean. I mean, if there was something about me physically that bothered Carla, I would be excited to fix it for her. I mean, it would probably make our relationship even better. And more...
Carla: <Sudden> I hate your mole.
Turk: Baby, you said it was your tickle button. You made me shave my mustache.
Carla: That was before I knew what was under there.
Turk reacts as if stung.
Flashback. Apartment bathroom. A younger Turk stands in front of a mirror. He is using an electric razor to shave his mustache. To the side, a happy Carla observes him. He finishes shaving.
Fantasy sequence. The camera zooms in close on his mole as if to exaggerate its size. An F/X shot has Turk's mole with eyes and giant mouth.
Turk's mole: Whew. Finally, a brother can breathe.
Carla looks appalled at this denizen they unwittingly uncovered.
Turk's mole: <looking at Carla> Hello there. <Wiggles eyebrows playfully>
End Flashback and Fantasy Sequence.
Turk looks crestfallen as Carla shrugs guiltily.
Nurses' Station. Ted is shouting into a phone.
Ted: You wanna quit? Then quit! But you, sir, are a Worthless Peon! And you will always be a Worthless Peon! <Ted hangs up the phone and turns to Dr. Kelso, who was standing with his back to Ted, reading a chart> Sir, you know my band? The Worthless Peons? Well, Chris from shipping and receiving wants to go solo. We lose him, we lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair. What do you think I should do?
Kelso: <With his back to Ted, still reading the chart in his hands> Ted, you know my rule about personal problems. I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife. Do lawyer stuff to that.
He hands the chart to Ted and leaves. Ted hangs his head dejectedly. There is a flash of camera. Pan over to reveal Ben leaning against the desk, having just taken a picture of Ted while he was depressed.
Ted: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Let me powder my head first.
Behind Ted, J.D. pushes an elderly patient (Mr. Taylor) in a wheelchair.
Mr. Taylor: <Fearfully> So should I be worried about the old ticker?
J.D.: <Reassuringly> Oh, Mr. Taylor. Let me worry about that for you. <Turns and walks to the desk>
J.D. Thoughts: <Screaming in a panicky voice with bugged-out eyes> Oh my God! He's gonna die!
Cox grabs Ben's arm with one hand and grabs a file off the desk with the other. He drags Ben over as J.D. approaches.
Cox: Ah, Newbie. Perfect timing. <Handing the file over to J.D.> I have to run a hundred fifty dollars down to the police station 'cause Mr. Jinkies the Juggler, who Jordan just has to have for Jack's birthday party, just got a DUI.
Ben: <Raises his fist in praise of Mr. Jinkies with a muffled> Yeah!
Cox: Only me. Long story short, your new job is to take young Ben here by the hand and run every hematological screening test that we have.
Ben shoots his arm past Cox for J.D. to take.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I can't. I'm already covering for Doug. He's on a His-and-Her Spa Day with his mom.
Cox & : WHAT?! Ben
J.D.: Don't ask. The point is, I'm swamped. <Moves over to Cox and Ben so Mr. Taylor is out of earshot and lowers his voice> And I'm a little worried about Mr. Taylor here.
Mr. Taylor gives a friendly wave to the three men. They smile back and wave, and Ben takes a picture with his Polaroid camera.
J.D.: Mr. Taylor. & Cox: Hiiiiii.
J.D.: For the life of me, I can't figure out his irregular heartbeat.
Cox: I already looked at his EKG, Newbie, and trust me. He's not gonna die in the next thirty minutes. Now. Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! <Strides away from J.D., Ben, and Mr.Taylor.>
After Cox leaves, J.D. starts wheeling Mr. Taylor away, and Ben follows along. Ben decides to continue with the prank he was pulling on J.D. before.
Ben: Hey, J.D. My sister Danni is more of a gentle kisser, don't you think? But I find Jordan is loaded more along the lines of teeth and tongue.
J.D.: <With a look of disgust> Would you please stop it.
Ben: Fangs. <Makes vampire faces and hisses>
Plastic surgeon's office. Turk and Carla are sitting behind the surgeon's desk. Turk is playing with a rubber model of a breast lying on the desk.
Carla: This guy is supposed to be a great plastic surgeon.
She slaps his hand away, and Turk lets go of the breast model. The surgeon enters his office and sits behind his desk.
Plastic Surgeon: Okaaaaaaaaaaaay. So who wants what bigger or smaller?
Carla: My fiancé would like to have his mole removed.
Plastic Surgeon: <Staring at Turk's face> That? That's cute. It's like a tickle button.
Turk: No, it's not. It needs to go away.
Plastic Surgeon: All right. I'll scrap it away and we'll cover it with skin from the backside of your prothiosis<?>.
J.D., Turk, and Elliot are standing in front of the pharmacy window.
J.D.: So you would be a butt-face.
Elliot: <Laughing> That would be a funny nickname.
Turk: No, it wouldn't.
J.D.: <Laughing> Yes, it would. <Calling out toward the pharmacy> God, how long does it take to fill a bottle of pills?
An elderly doctor slowly walks in carrying two bottles of medicine she puts on the counter.
J.D.: <Sincere> I'm sorry, Madeline. I hope we didn't wake you. It's just that I have fifty patients and I... <J.D.'s beeper goes off. He looks down at the display> That's a code. <He bolts from the pharmacy, leaving Turk and Elliot behind>
Turk: Watch, I'm going to get out of this mole thing.
Elliot: Whatever, Butt-face. <She leaves>
Cafeteria. Kelso is sitting at a table alone, eating a slice of cake with a coffee. Ted enters and sits next to him.
Ted: Sir, I think I figured out how my problem affects one of your loved ones. <Kelso lets out an anguished sigh> It affects me.
Kelso: Swing and a miss. <Holding his cake, he turns his chair around to face the table that was previously behind him. Carla is at this table, picking at a salad, and she looks up as Kelso faces her across the table.
Carla: Oh, thank God you're here. I totally need someone to talk to.
Kelso opens his mouth to protest but is not fast enough. Carla continues.
Carla: Usually I would talk to Dr. Cox, but he's out doing stuff. 'Course, there is always Laverne, but I'm kind of her boss. And I like to avoid getting too up close and personal with staff members who work below me.
Kelso: As do I. <Tries to resume eating>
Carla: <Failing to get the hint> See, it's just that I told Turk I didn't like his mole, and I feel guilty now.
Kelso hangs his head in exasperation.
Kelso: You've seen it, you can't avoid it.
Lobby. Cox enters rubbing his hands together and comes up to the desk. Ted is there and looks up as Cox approaches.
Ted: Dr. Cox. Ah. I'm afraid my band lost a member. So we're not going to be able to perform at your son's party.
Cox: Ted. Now, even though I never asked you to, that is still just ter-rific news. <Gives an evil thumbs up>
Ted: That hurt here, <Points to head> and here. <Points to heart>
Ted leaves as J.D. comes up behind Cox. J.D.'s mood is solemn and serious.
J.D.: Dr. Cox.
Cox: <Picks up a chart from the desk and turns to face J.D.> What's the matter with you there, Sheila? You look like Maybelline just went belly up.
J.D.: Twenty minutes after you left, he went into cardiac arrest. <Cox looks shocked> We tried to resuscitate him, but there was nothing we could do. <Ben enters from behind Cox and peers over his shoulder at the chart he is now flipping through> I'm sorry. <He backs away and leaves>
Ben: Whoa, man. Bummer.
Cox: <Going through chart furiously. Disbelief> This shouldn't have happened.
J.D. Thoughts: Guilt's a funny thing. It can lead to denial.
Cox: Kid screwed up.
Ben: <Defending J.D.> No, he didn't. He told you he has way too many patients, he's swamped.
Cox turns to face Ben.
Cox: <Serious> The kid screwed up.
Ben: <Backing off to avoid a confrontation with Cox> Okay. <Yells out in the direction that J.D. left> Darn kid!
J.D. Thoughts: Guilt can lead to compromise.
Hallway outside the men's bathroom. Kelso is heading there with Carla in tow. Seems like Carla still wanted Kelso's ear on her dilemma. He, however, just wants to escape from her mess.
Carla: Turk is doing this sweet thing for me, you know? <starts to enter the men's bathroom right behind Kelso>
Kelso <OC>: Men's room!
Bathroom occupants: Whoa! Hey!
Carla: <Backs out of the bathroom and stands next to the closed door. She yells through the door to continue their conversation> I just wish there was something I could do for him.
Turk and Elliot come down the hallway behind her.
Turk: Know what, sweetie? I'm fine with getting rid of this mole. <Points to his face, then points at Carla> But you got to be willing to take my last name when we get married.
Carla: That's perfect. Of course I will.
Carla leaves happy with this solution. Turk and Elliot turn and watch as she leaves.
Elliot: And there she goes. Mrs. Carla Butt-face. <She leaves>
Turk realizes his plan to avoid the mole removal backfired.
Mr. Taylor's bed. Mr. Taylor lies quietly. J.D. stands next to him, looking forlornly at the chart and then at him.
J.D. Thoughts: But as a doctor, you are around death so much, you get used to the guilt. And you learn how not to let it keep you from affecting your personal relationships.
Cox and Ben walk up behind J.D.
Ben: <To J.D.> Brace yourself.
Cox: <To J.D.> What are you still doing here?
J.D.: <To Cox> I'm on call tonight.
Cox: Not anymore. I'm taking all your patients. <Takes chart out of J.D.'s hands>
J.D.: So wait. You think this was my fault?
Ben: <To Cox> Hey, this is an emotional situation. So why don't you go easy on the kid?
Cox: <To J.D.> It was your fault. Now get the hell out.
J.D., not wanting to get into a fight right now, complies and leaves quietly.
Ben: <To Cox> Well, that was good. That was good listening.
Cox: Kev. <?>
Lobby. Superimposed along the bottom of the screen on the left: "Two Days Later." On the right, a clock display with the readout at 08:59:55 AM. The clock counts upward. Cox, sporting a couple days' growth, probably due to lack of shaving, is sitting in one of the lounge chairs, asleep, with his back propped up against the wall. Sitting next to him is a scruffy-looking man sporting a full beard and holding a watch that he is intently staring at. As the clock counter reaches up to 09:00:00 AM, the number flashes on and off the screen.
At the same time, the scruffy-looking man starts yelling.
Scruffy: Beep-beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep. Beep-beep-beep.
Cox wakes up and turn to the man.
Cox: I got it. I got it. <Takes watch from the scruffy guy's hand and fishes into his pocket for some money> All the best. <Slaps money in the scruffy guy's hand>
Scruffy: Thanks, man. <Cox gets up and walks over to Carla>
Cox: <To Carla> I tell you what. Nothing says good morning like a drunken human alarm clock. <Yawns. He looks pretty awful. Carla explains why>
Carla: Hey. You've been here for sixty straight hours. You need to go home.
Cox: You know what I need. I need people to stop telling me what I should do.
Carla: Fine. <Leaves>
Ben comes over to stand where Carla was.
Ben: You know what you should do?
Cox: Aw. Why are you here?
J.D. comes up to Cox and Ben.
J.D.: <To Cox> Dr. Cox. Can I talk to you for a second?
Cox: <To JD> Hey, hey, Val. You know, you know what's funny? <Holding up some charts. Sarcastically> Ever since I started taking care of your patients, not one of them has died. <Forced bitter laughter>
J.D.: Look. You want to be mad at me, that's fine. I get it. Okay. But Jordan called. And she wants to make sure you show this afternoon.
Ben: Oh. Right. That thing. Put us down for Ben plus one. <Points to himself>
Cox: I'm not going anywhere. So beat it.
Surgery ward. Turk is in a patient's gown, sitting on the table. Elliot and J.D. are there.
Turk: You guys, I don't want to do this.
Elliot: Come on. No one's going to call you names.
Turk: <Protesting> I know, but...
JD: <Interrupts> FACE! <Elliot can't help but crack up a little> Butt-face. <Laughs>
Turk: Listen. My butt is fabulous. A slice of that up here, <indicates on his face> that's just me spreading the wealth. Still, my mole is part of my identity. I need you guys to convince Carla to get me out of this.
J.D.: I can't, man. I got things to do.
Elliot: Like what? Dr. Cox took all your patients.
Flashback Lounge. J.D. is holding up some cards, playing gin against the hook-handed, afro-sporting security guard (Leonard) who Turk, Elliot, and Carla were referring to previously. The size of his afro does belie the fact that he has a claw for a hand.
Leonard: <Lays his cards down with his prosthesis. Triumphantly> Gin.
J.D.: <Lays his cards down in defeat. Frustration> Dammit. <Leonard takes a puff from his cigar in smug victory> Nice hand. <Leonard looks up sharply at this comment. J.D. quickly apologizes for the confusion about his remark> I meant the cards.
J.D.: I got to win my money back from Leonard. <Elliot and Turk both look at him in confusion> You know, the guy with the giant afro.
Recognition sinks in.
Turk: Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. & Elliot: Oh right. Yeah.
Elliot: <To Turk> I'll go talk to her for you. <Leaves>
Turk: Thank you. I hate her for doing this to me.
Cafeteria. Carla and Ted, both with trays of food, sit down at a table next to each other.
Carla: I hate him for doing this to me.
Give you three guesses who is on the other side. And the first two don't count. Yup, poor Kelso got ambushed again. He stops eating the meal he was just getting started on and looks up at his two assailants.
Carla: I don't think he understands that Espinosa is more than a name to me. It's my heritage. <Ted tries to unscrew a bottle of some beverage with no success> It's also a candy bar in Ecuador. But mostly it's my heritage. <Takes bottle from Ted, unscrews the cap and hands it back to him without breaking pace> I just don't want to do this, Dr. Kelso, but I already agreed. What do you think I should do?
Kelso: Well, Nurse "Snickers," until now, you've just been white noise. But since you forced me to respond, let me tell you a couple of things that only a few people know. <Leans in conspiratorially, lowers voice) I haven't paid my country club dues since the third quarter of '97. But I still tee off every Wednesday at 8:15 and take a bare-ass steam when the last putt drops. But more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems. And you can confirm that with Ted. <Irritated, he gets up and leaves>
Ted: <To Carla> Don't those Espinosas have nougat?
Hallway near Nurses' Station. Cox and Ben are just exiting the elevator.
Ben: Can we go now?
Ben: How about now?
Cox: No. Look, as a rule of thumb, I don't attend parties where the guest of honor has no idea what's going on.
Ben: That's not true. Remember back when you and Jordan first got married, and we went to go see senile old Grandpa Horty <?> for his 95th birthday party? Remember he kept trying to get the coat-check girl thrown out because she was loyal to the Kaiser? <Cox and Ben can't help but laugh at the memory>
Cox: Benny, I appreciate your concern, but you just don't understand.
Ben: What don't I understand?
Cox: Well, do you see all these people here? This is not some kind of senior citizens slumber party. I mean, if it was, I would have already put Mr. Fordham's hand in a nice bowl of warm water. But God bless him, he's going to go ahead and wet the bed anyway. My, my point is, is that if I'm not here, people die.
Ben: <Mocking in semi-ominous, mostly goofy voice> If I'm not here, people die.
Cox: <Cracks up laughing at the impression> Come on!
Ben: <Hops up to sit on the desk at the nurses' station> Listen, why don't you just let me take this little mental breakdown of yours. <Pretends to pluck something off the top of Cox's head> I'm going to put it right here in my pocket. <Stuffs imaginary mental problem in his shirt pocket> And that way, you can piss off for the afternoon, and you can let one of the 9,000 other doctors around here take care of things for you.
Cox: So you haven't noticed that my supporting cast in this theater of hell is a veritable who's who of incompetent puppets.
Elliot rushes up to stand between Cox and Ben. She addresses Cox.
Elliot: <Exasperated and rushed. To Cox> So sorry to bother you Dr. Cox. But I have searched high and low <makes exaggerated motions with her arms and hands. Behind Elliot, Ben imitates a puppet marionette pulling her strings as she goes through her conversation with Cox> for Carla. And honestly, it is like she has gone poof! And like disappeared into thin air. Huh. Have you seen her?
Ben was still doing the whole marionette thing while Elliot had her back to him. Cox got the whole show and cannot help but start to laugh at the spectacle.
Cox: <Still laughing, shaking his head> No.
Elliot get suspicious, whips around to see if someone was making fun of her while her back was turned. Ben immediately stops the marionette imitation and puts on a look of innocence. She whips back to face Cox. Ben resumes the marionette routine.
Cox: <Still laughing> No. I haven't seen her.
Elliot: <Scratching head> Well, if you do. Um. Page me. <She walks off. Ben, wanting to maintain the marionette joke for all it's worth, pretends like the strings are still attached and she's pulling him off the desk. He even falls off the desk onto the floor with bravado and showmanship>
Cox: <Complimenting Ben's performance> Oh, Ben. Outstanding commitment.
Ben hops back to his feet.
Ben: Thanks. So, can we go now?
Cox: Provided that gets you off my back.
Ben: <Hold up a finger> One more thing. <Turns Cox around and guides him down the halls>
Cox: <Knowing what Ben intends to do next. Grudgingly> Oh, come on.
With Cox leading, Ben stomps in sync behind him in a playful manner.
Men's locker room. Ben leads Cox into the lockers, where a shower is running.
Ben: You got to forgive him.
At this moment, J.D. steps out of the shower wearing a towel. He drops the towel, revealing he is wearing a pair of shorts underneath. Cox and Ben look at him, puzzled.
J.D.: <Looks up> What? They're my shower shorts.
Lobby: Elliot and the Janitor are walking. She convinced the Janitor to help her track down Carla.
Elliot: Thanks again for helping me look for Carla.
Janitor: No problem. I'll check the dumpster.
Elliot: <Corrects> Ah, we're not looking for dead Carla.
Janitor: That-a-girl. You stay optimistic.
They walk past a supply closet where Carla is, but they do not notice her and continue walking.
Supply closet. Kelso enters, not having seen Carla. Awkward silence as they realize the other's presence.
Carla: Ahem. Sorry, sir. It's been an emotional couple of days.
Kelso: I'm just here to, ah, <looks around the shelves and racks> get a nasal speculum. <Finds device on the shelf next to him and starts to walk out>
Carla: <Makes another attempt to get Kelso's ear> I just wish I didn't hate that mole so much.
Kelso: <Stops, sighs, realizes he can't just leave her like this and holds up the nasal speculum> I used one of these on my wife once. She's a terrible snorer. Used to keep me up all night. I made her have the surgery. 'Course, that only made things worse. Here's the twist. Now, whenever she goes out of town, I can't fall asleep without the sound of that gasping, wheezing woman lying right next to me. Trust me. If I ever met a Japan Air stewardess who snores like Enid, I'd marry her tomorrow. <Carla laughs at this> But here's the point. You might find out that thing you hate so much is the very same thing you miss when it's gone. <Turns to leave, to Let Carla contemplate the wisdom of his advice>
Carla: <Calls out> Thank you, sir.
Kelso pauses, nods, and continues out.
Plastic surgery. Turk is still in the patient gown sitting on the table. The plastic surgeon and his assistant are prepping Turk for the operation.
Turk: <To plastic surgeon> All right, I'm gonna get right down to it. You tell Carla that my mole is inoperable, I will pay you ten thousand dollars.
Carla quickly enters.
Carla: Turk! I don't want you to do this!
Plastic Surgeon: <To Carla, quickly> The mole's inoperable.
Turk: <To plastic surgeon, just as quickly> The deal's off. <Rips off the Velcro strap the plastic surgeon's assistant was using to get his blood pressure> Ow!
Elliot rushes in, not seeing Carla in her hurry.
Elliot: <To Turk> I couldn't find her. <She then sees Carla on the other side of the plastic surgeon>
Turk: <To Elliot> Don't sweat it.
Turk and Carla leave arm in arm.
Turk: <Calling out as he leaves> See ya!
Plastic Surgeon: <Miffed at losing the 10 K) Great, an open surgery slot just gone to waste.
Elliot: <Sensing an opportunity> Not necessarily.
Elliot hops up on the table Turk just vacated. She takes off her left shoe.
Elliot: <Proud to have a fine bunion specimen to remove> Look at this.
Although the audience never gets a look at the horrible bunion, the plastic surgeon and his assistant get an eyeful. It's too much even for seasoned professionals like themselves to handle.
Plastic Surgeon: Waugh! <Shakes himself in disgust, and his assistant gasps and then faints from shock behind him>
Elliot: <Amazed that her bunion would have such an impact on these surgical veterans> Oh.
Men's locker room. Cox is now talking to J.D. while Ben lounges on a bench behind Cox. J.D. is still wearing the shorts he came out of the shower with.
Cox: Those are the most ridiculous things I have ever seen.
J.D.: You know, you're right. I was an idiot to buy these shower shorts. I mean, it's not like they come with a complimentary shower wallet. <From his side, he holds a wallet in front of Cox's face. The wallet is of the same color as the shorts, embroidered with "Shower Shortz" on the front. There is a thin elastic cord attached from the wallet to the shorts. The cord is pulled taut as J.D. displays the wallet to Cox. J.D. lets go of the wallet, which snaps back along the cord. It would have looked cooler, but judging from the whip-cracking sound and the look on J.D.'s face, I'm thinking the wallet snapped back to his body in a most painful manner> Ow.
Cox: <Sincere> Look, I just want to say. That what happened. Wasn't your fault. And I'm sorry.
J.D.: <Accepting> Thanks. I really needed to hear that.
Ben: Good. Fun. Let's get dressed and go. <Claps his hands and gets to his feet>
Cox: <Turns to go and then talks to J.D.> Shower Shortz?
J.D.: <Like an advertisement spokesman> For the man who has nothing to hide. But still wants to.
Cox repeatedly pounds his fist against the nearest locker in disbelief.
J.D. Thoughts: Acceptance can take a lot of different forms.
Kelso's office. Kelso is putting on a tie. Ted is behind him in a suit and coat, talking on a cell phone.
J.D. Thoughts: Whether it's accepting that it's okay to show your soft side every once in a while...
Ted: <Folding up his cell phone> Well, its official. Chris left the band.
Kelso: <Finishing putting on tie and grabbing coat as he leaves> Well, Ted, you know what I think? Good riddance to him. You'll find another tenor.
Ted: <Astounded at Kelso's compassion> Thank you, sir. <Follows Kelso out into the hallway>
Kelso: If you don't, who cares? You all stink anyway.
Ted hangs his head dejectedly.
Apartment. Turk is putting on a tie as well, with Carla in a dress standing across from him.
J.D. Thoughts: ...or accepting someone you love for just the way they are.
Turk: Can you tie my tie, Mrs. Espinosa?
Turk stands in front of Carla. Carla focuses on his face.
Fantasy Sequence Camera shot zooms in on the mole. It again has the eyes and mouth.
Turk's mole: Answer him!
End Fantasy Sequence
Carla looks a bit taken back but recovers quickly, pulls Turk closer and gives him a deliberate kiss on the upper part of his lip. Right where the mole is. They both giggle.
Turk: You just kissed my mole.
She helps Turk with his tie with a smile.
Field. Cox and Ben are walking side by side. Cox has a suit and tie on. He still hasn't shaved, but he looks no worse for wear. Ben is still wearing the same clothes as before.
Cox: So how come you don't have to get all dressed up?
Ben: I am dressed up. You see any holes in these pants?
Ben: I'm glad you made it. Listen. There is one more thing you have to do for me.
Cox and Ben both stop walking and face each other.
Cox: You can't keep me from getting drunk.
Ben: <Serious> You have to forgive yourself for everything that went down the other day.
Cox: <Laughs> You are so annoying. <Laughs>
Cox: <Agrees with Ben's request> Okay.
Ben: <Satisfied> Good.
Music starts to play.
Cox: Now, where is your camera? Aren't, aren't you going to take some pictures?
J.D., in a suit and tie, steps up behind Cox.
J.D.: <To Cox> Pictures of what?
Cox: <Turns to face J.D.> You know. Crying babies. Covered in chocolate. People singing happy birthday to my son, who've never even met him before. You know, the whole routine.
J.D.: <Confused> Where do you think we are?
Cox turns back around, but Ben is longer there. Cox has now come to acceptance. He walks across the field in silence with J.D. next to him. As the camera follows them, we realize they are in a cemetery, for Ben's funeral.
J.D. and Cox are the first to arrive and take their seats at the front. Jordan and Danni arrive and take their seats. The rest of the funeral attendees show up to pay their respects and mourn. In the rows behind J.D., Cox, Jordan, and Danni we can see Kelso, Carla, Turk, Elliot, Ted, Laverne, and various other hospital staff. The camera pans over to the coffin, where a priest reads last rites out of a Bible to the gathered. Sitting on the coffin is a large picture of Ben (probably one from his collection, but blown up to dignified proportions).
J.D. Thoughts: But in the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.
Cox breathes heavily and Jordan puts a comforting arm around his shoulders from his left. J.D. gives him a reassuring grip on his right shoulder. Cox tries to hold the tears and grief in, but it's quite an effort.