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My Road To Nowhere transcript

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The following transcript is from the Season Six episode "My Road to Nowhere".

My Road to Nowhere

J.D. Narration: Not only that I had a long distance girlfriend who was pregnant, but I still haven't found an apartment. So I was living in my half-acre in a tent. A haunted tent.

Buzz: Stop stealing our power.

Donna: You are ruining our neighborhood!

J.D.: Oh really, Donna, I'm ruining the neighborhood? At least I'm quiet; were you guys having sex last night or raping a baboon?

Buzz: I wasn't home last night.

J.D.: My bad...

Donna: I'm gonna beat your ass!

J.D.: Donna! Ahhh!!!

Dr. Kelso: Check out that body! Bet you would like to give her a ride, huh?

Ted: ooh... you bet ya!

Dr. Kelso: Over here, perv. It's for my retirement, so Enid and I can see the country in luxury.

Ted: So it's uhh, wheelchair accessable for her, sir?

Kelso: Ted, I'm not retiring for at least three years. If she's still alive I'll deal with it then. Now, take the rest of the day off and get it washed and waxed.

Ted: You smell like my mom...

J.D.: Alright, Mr. Mariani, mazel tov; you are the proud owner of yet another kidney stone! Did you try laying off the red meat, buddy?

Mr. Mariani: I'm trying, Doc, but it's hard.

J.D.: Oh man, Kim is having her first ultrasound tommorow.

Turk: Oh, there's nothing like that first ultrasound. Bring tissue.

J.D.: Are you kidding me? I can't just up and leave, I got to find an apartment I live in a T.P.

Dr Cox: Do-o-o-rian! you have been wrong about so many things, that, I'm not even gonna say something is wrong, anymore, instead I'm going to say - It's a 'Dorian' . And the fact that you are willing to skip seeing that child's heart-beat for the first time is just plain' 'Dorian'. I mean - Hell! Jordan is having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more gay. I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.

Turk: Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby is born.

Dr. Cox: 'Dorian' again! Ye I don't know if it's the hormones or if the baby is actually eating the bitch cells, but Jordan has softened; in fact last night she... she asked me to cuddle.

J.D. Narration: Is cuddling bad now?

Turk: Baby? I need permission to road trip with J.D. to Tacoma so he can see his ultrasound.

Carla: Sure! I think not giving you permission to do this for your friend would be totally 'Dorian'.

J.D's Narration: How has this spreading so quickly?

Dr Cox: Ghandi! Did you tell Jordan what I've said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me.

Turk: Relax, she's pregnant. What can she possibly do?

Jack: Man check!

Turk: Oh!

Jordan: Good boy, Jack, good boy!

Turk: He can't possibly make it my fault, right?

J.D.: 'Dorian'. Oh, damn it now I'm doing it. Careful, he's going fetus.

J.D. Narration: The secret to a great road trip is to get as many people as possible to come along.

J.D.: So you guys in?

Elliot: Totally! The last road trip I went on was with my sorority sisters and we went to Tijuana, so it'll be nice to go with people who actually like me.

Keith: Why are you always so hard on yourself? Your sorority sisters probably loved you.

Elliot: Keith, they tried to sell me.

J.D.: You know, Keith, if the buyer hadn't been an undercover federal, Elliot would be a slave somewhere. There wouldn't be any uncomftorable sexual tension between us, and you and I would probably be best friends.

Keith: Ye?

J.D.: Ye...

Elliot: Keith!

Keith: Oh, uhh... We still can't make it, we made plans to finally hang out with my grandmom.

Elliot: Oh Keith, the woman is 96 years old there will be plenty of weekends for that; Road trip!

J.D.: This way.

Elliot: O.K.

Dr Cox: You know, you are one special lady, Carla. It's not every wife that works a full shift then goes home to change the baby's diapers while her husband and his girlfriend spend the weekend mooning truckers and playing slud bug.

Carla: It's not a big deal.

Dr Cox: Oh, but it is. If you keep let Ghandi do whatever he pleases whenever he pleases while you take care of the baby, eventually you won't even have time to shave your legs or gum your face, thats make the most promotive male figure in your daughter's life... you.

Turk: Adios, pickle! As soon as I change out of this clothes - I'm outta here.

Carla: I'm going, you're staying.

Turk: How did you do that?

Dr Cox: Ghandi, I'm great at this stuff. Don't ever talk to Jordan again.

J.D.: Road trip! Where's chocolate bear?

Carla: Getting to know his daughter.

J.D. Narration: I knew that little tant baby will eventually ruin everything.

Elliot: Keith, take the front sit, sweetie.

Keith: Uhh, I can't.

J.D.: Rowdy needs to see the world.

Carla: We need a bigger ride.

Ted: Do you guys know where I can find a giant car wash?

J.D.: Oh! Alright!

Ted: Woohoo! I got friends!

Jordan: Hi cutie!

Turk: Hi...

Jordan: Oh like there's a chance I meant you.

Turk: So you're here for the ultrasound, huh? I can't believe you gonna let him know the sex, especially when you could -- No, thats too mean, I couldn't do it.

Jordan: No, mean is good. It's uhh, It's, uhh..... I like mean.

Turk: You can learn the sex, not tell Perry, hold it over his head and play him like a little bitch boy.

Jordan: Perry was so wrong about you! You're not an idiotic scalpel holding, basketball dribbling, blood sugar watching idiotic man boy.

Turk (flattered): Stop...

Keith: This thing is awesome!

Elliot: What's with all these Kimonos?

Carla: I don't know but there is a stripper pole in the back!

J.D.: Carla got some serious moves! She can even do an inverted spread - legs pole spin. You know if thats how they called, It's not like I've take a pole dancing class or anything.

J.D. Narration: Nice cover.

Ted: Don't touch the kimonos, those are for Dr Kelso's various masseuses.

J.D.: Ted, who's driving?

Ted: Oh, my bad!

Elliot: Maybe I should drive so we all won't die. No offense, Ted.

Ted: None taken.

Keith: I wish non of us had to drive...


Computer: We are cruising at a comfortable speed, Dr. Dorian. We should arrive on schedule. Could you possible do me a small favor?

J.D.: Of course, Jonathan 3000.

Computer: Could you rub that spot off my dashboard?

J.D.: You got it, pal.

Computer: Oh yeah, just like that.

J.D.: Alright.

Computer: That's the stuff, you bitch!

(Back to reality)

J.D.: It can get lonely on the road, even for computers. But this is gonna be great, right?

Carla: I miss my baby. We have to go back.

Doctor: Now, if we'll slide the wan<!-?? --> over here, we'll see if it's a boy or a girl.

Jordan: Wait! Change of plans, Per. Beat it.

Dr Cox: No, no, no ; You committed to find out the sex of the child this time.

Jordan: Oh yeah, I am gonna find out the sex, but you're not. Unless you'll work with Jack for the parent-child dance recital.

Dr Cox: Jordan, the boy alredy lip sings into your tampons, must we put the final nail on his tiny gay coffin?

Jordan: Momma wants a trophy.

Dr Cox: Tell her she can't do this.

Doctor: I would, but when she looks at me my inside gets all cold.

Dr Cox: You're a coward! You're a coward!

Turk: O-oh... Did Jordan change her mind for some strange unexpected reason?

Dr Cox: Here, here, here, I'll help you.

Turk: Thanks, that could be awesome.

Dr Cox: Yo Beardface! Take your foot go ninety-ish. That a boy. Yeah!

Turk: That was awesome. But uncool!

Carla: He's not answering... Something is wrong with the baby I'm telling Elliot to turn around.

J.D.: No, no, no, no, no. Carla darling, everything is fine with the baby, fine with the -- Hi what's that? Now I'll let you out when you calm down!

Carla: Open this door J.D., let me out!

Elliot: Now I realized that my dad had hugged me in my graduation. Not with his arms, you know, but, with his brain. Keith! Come and get me company, I'm lonely.

Keith: Ye you know who else is lonely? My grandmom.

Elliot: No, she's not, Keith. She is a lesbian in a nursing home full of ladies, you do the math.

Keith: We can solve both of our problems if we can get my grandmother together with your mom.

Ted: Excuse me, my mother sleeps with men, I've seen it!

Keith: Alright, calm down, momma's boy.

Ted: Bring it on, tall and sexy!

Elliot: Kick his ass, Ted!

J.D.: That's enough! If you guys can't get along just sit down and don't talk.

Janitor: Amen to that.

J.D.: Whar are you doing here?

Janitor: I'll tell you what I wasn't doing here I was not taking a nap on company time on Dr Kelso's mobile home. Not this guy! Back to work.

Ted: I don't think he knew we were moving...

J.D.: Elliot, Stop!

Jordan: So, can I stop squizzing out brats or is is another stupid boy?

Doctor: Uh oh... Excuse me for a second.

Jordan: Uh oh? Don't say Uh oh!

Turk: I'm supposed to be in a road trip right now.

Dr Cox: Well there's a little different between a road trip and an ultrasound!

Turk: I'm supposed to be in a road trip right now!

Jordan: Follow him! He said Uh oh.

Elliot: O.K , let's get you up.

Janitor: Where did everyone go?

J.D.: He's fine, let's get going.

Carla: Look at us. I hurt my ankle, Ted might have a broken arm and the Janitor is blind.

Janitor: Hi, wait, no. coming back. Hello. Who is making pancakes?

J.D.: See? He's great. And so is Ted.

Ted: Ahhh! Oh... I think you popped it back in the joint.

J.D.: You guys, Turk told me how amazing it was when he say Izzy's ultrasound, I can't miss this, I just, I won't.

Janitor: Can I say something? I don't know this young man, I wish I did. I admire his spirit! And if he says we must continue on then I say I am in!

J.D. Narration: There are a lot of times in life when you just got to take control.

J.D.: Wait, give me those keys. I'm driving. Next stop Kim town.

J.D Narration: Of course, sometimes, control is taking away from you.

Dr Cox: You have to operate on my baby while it's still in the womb?

Dr Matthews: Well there's a urinary tract obstruction that could be blocking the amniotic fluid. We need to cause a shunt.

Dr Cox: I got to talk to Jordan.

Turk: Mickhead! Give me my phone.

Mickhead: It's mine.

Turk: Oh really? Does yours have a picture of Carla in the background?

Mickhead: Yes.

Turk: Huh! Trick question mine got Tyra Banks, see?

Carla: Baby? I got Turk!

J.D Narration: And sometimes you're just not as in control as you think you are.

Ted: Uhh, that tunnel looks kinda small.

J.D.: Chill out, Ted.

J.D. Narration: why would they build a tunnel that an R.V. won't fit ? I can admit that the tunnel was more narrow than I thought but the damage wasn't too bad. Keith just had to stop accidentily making the 'please honk your horn' sign to to passing truckers.

Elliot: Frick on a stick!

Keith: I was stretching!

Ted: Four aces, I win!

Janitor: Now you only got six clover, I win.

Carla: O.K. baby, bye. There's a problem with Jordan's ultrasound.

Dr Matthews: This is our best chance to restore normal function and minimize the damage to the lungs.

Dr Cox: Fine but I want to be in there.

Dr Matthews: You know we can't allow family members in the O.R.

Dr Cox: You gotta be in there for me.

Turk: Don't you see I got a baby strapped to my chest?

Dr Cox: Now can you?

Turk: First of all, I'm not a newborns surgeon. Second, you ruined my road trip. And you just gave my baby to Rochelle, the only nurse to get kicked out of the nursery for using babies as a ventriloquist dummy.

Rochelle [as Izzy]: I don't like being licked.

Rochelle: Thats because you didn't find anyone who doing it right.

Turk: Give me that. What's the matter with you?!

Dr Cox: Ghandi! You'd damn sure want somebody in there if it was your kid.

Rochelle [as Izzy]: C'mon, just do it.

Turk: Knock it off, Rochelle.

J.D.: You guys, here's the hospital.

Elliot: Keith, wake up sweety we're here.

Keith: Yes! I didn't see a truck.

Elliot: Well, how are you gonna get home?

J.D.: I don't know, I'll rent a car or something. Go take care of Dr. Cox; tell him Gladys is thinking of him, he'll know it's me.

Elliot: Good luck.

Janitor: Very well, stranger. I shall toast you with my hardest wine.

J.D.: Maybe he should lay down.

Dr Kelso: Turkelton, if I let you assist on that on that surgery I would be breaking every hospital protocol, and you know damn well I would never be that inappropriate. Oh thanks, sugar boobs. Lucky for you, I am a man in need. Enid asked me to get her tickets to see Al Green for her birthday, I forgot. Now it sold out. Can you call him for me?

Turk: Sir, do you think I know Al Green just because I'm black?

Dr Kelso: Plan B. Also, lucky for you - Enid has gone blind from glaucoma, now - here's what I need.

J.D. Narration: In life, it's never easy to know what's waiting for you on the other side of the door.

J.D.: Surprise.

Kim: Oh my God... J.D.!

J.D.: Come here for a second, come here. Is this your office?

Dr Cox: Everything is gonna be O.K.

Jordan: I know.

Dr Cox: Jordan, I love you.

J.D. Narration: Sometimes you find a moment that knocks you on your ass.

J.D.: How's our baby doing, huh?

Kim: J.D., I had a miscarrige.

J.D.: Other times, it just takes your breath away.

Turk: Wow...

Turk: Hi. So everything went great, ye. Jordan and the baby are fine.

Dr Cox: Fair enough.

Turk: That's it?

Dr Cox: Yep.

Turk: O.K. I don't know about you, but when I get great news I like to show some form of emotion. Like when I graduated med school I went all Billy 'white shoes' Johnson. And then when Izzy was born, Tiger Woods' arm swing.

Dr Cox: Look, you know as well as I do that no kid who had surgery before it's even born not just gonna pop up in the world without any... without any problems. In three months, it's gonna outgrow that shunt and we're gonna have to get through it all over again so you're gonna have to excuse me if I'm... not celebrating.

Turk: Your baby is gonna be fine.

Dr Cox: And just how can you be so sure at that?

Turk: Because that little thing grabbed my finger so tight, and wouldn't let go. Perry, she's strong.

Perry: She?

Turk: Yes, daddy.

Kim: I should have told you earlier, I just didn't want to do it on the phone and... are you O.K.?

J.D.: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just... it's kinda weird, there was this thing that I never met and now it's gone and I kinda miss it.

Kim: I know...

J.D.: I was alredy kinda looking for doing all those parents things you hear about, you know like - change diapers, first steps, playing catch. Turk was gonna even teach me how to throw like a guy, so...

Kim: Unless it was a girl, then you could just throw like yourself. Can I ask you something? Were we just staying together cuz' we were having a kid?

J.D.: No... no, c'mon. Come back from this in a couple of months and we'll pick up whereever we left off. I mean, I guess it will be a little more casual, we should probably won't talk without either one of us wearing full body condoms.<!- not sure; EB. ->

Kim: What if I... wasn't coming back because they offered me a permanent position here?

J.D.: Did they?

Kim: Yeah...

J.D. Narration: We sat there all night and talked about everything. How we felt about each other, whether we can handle a long distance relationship, did she ever see herself come back to 'The Sacred Heart', will a pizza place deliver to a bench at three in the morning... they would... And on the end of it all, we realized that without a baby in the picture, the best thing to do is to say goodbye, stay friends and just hope that our paths cross again. Someday.

J.D.: So then I took a $900 cab ride home, and voilà: here I am.

Elliot: J.D., thats sucks. I'm so sorry.

Mr. Mariani: Bummer. Now why am I back in here again?

J.D.: Cos' I couldn't wait to rub a little jelly on your treasure trail. I need to see if your kidney stone dissolved yet. J... D... I always do that.

Elliot: Do mine.

J.D Narration: There are really only two kinds of surprises. The good ones, that makes everything O.K.

Dr Cox: It's a girl... we're having a baby girl.

J.D. Narration: And the bad ones, that makes you mad.

Kelso: There's papa's pleasure palace. It looks great, Teddy.

Ted: I'm going on vacation.

Kelso: Theodore!

J.D.: Alright, let's take a look.

J.D. Narration: And I could never be mad at Kim for giving me a bad surprise.

Doctor: Everything looks healthy. See? Here's your baby's heart beat.

Kim: Wow...

J.D. Narration: Because at least she was straight with me.

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