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4x16sailor

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Quarantine".

ActEdit

TURK, J.D., & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- EVENING J.D. stands before Elliot and Carla in jeans and a brown sport jacket over a white button-up which is layered over a red tee.

J.D.'s Narration: Before I settled on the outfit for my first date with Kylie, I had to run it by the experts.

J.D.: So be honest, but not too honest, okay, 'cause I'm feeling a little chunky.

There's frenzied whispering between Carla and Elliot. Finally...

Carla: We like it.

J.D.: Oh, thank god. I-I-I could have sworn I heard the word jowly.

Elliot: [Changing the subject] So, uh...heh. How many outfits did you try on before you picked that one?

FLASHBACK

J.D.'S BEDROOM -- EARLIER THAT DAY

J.D. stands before his mirror, quickly cycling through many outfits, including a yuppie yachting suit, a cyclist's gear, and his leather 'Raw' jumpsuit.

BACK TO PRESENT

J.D.: Not too many.

Carla: [To Elliot] You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.

Elliot: Oh, me, too. And that guy's gettin' boobies.

Carla: Yeah, he is.

J.D. takes off his sport jacket to reveal his button-up is short-sleeved.

Elliot: Whoa! That guy's gettin' a hug at the door. Heh.

J.D. takes off the button-up to reveal that his red tee is actually an "Electric Boogie" belly shirt.

Elliot: And that guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits.

J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.

Carla: I don't think you do.

J.D.: But the entire ensemble works together, and the jacket never comes off. Now, Carla, I need the keys to the Mini convertible, okay? Because that girl is not getting on my scooter.

Carla: The top won't go up.

J.D.: It'll be awesome.

Carla throws him the keys.

Cut to... MINI -- EN ROUTE J.D. and Kylie whiz along in the open-top car.

J.D.: Sorry about your hair.

Kylie: [With giant afro] Don't beat yourself up. I got a scrunchie.

J.D. watches her work her magic with the scrunchie. A mere seconds later, her ringlets are tamed in a classy updo.

Kylie: There! [Giggles.]

The car hits a bump.

J.D.: What the hell was that?

He pulls over and they lean over their seats to see the little body lying in the road.

Kylie: [Gasps] It's a poor little possum! We should take him to the vet!

J.D.'s Narration: It was Sophie's Choice. Either heartlessly leave the possum there to die or wrap that little guy up in my sports coat and reveal the short-sleeved nerd jersey that lurked beneath.

Time lapse... Kylie holds the injured possum in J.D.'s coat as they drive down the street.

J.D.: Careful. His, uh, little hoof is bleeding on the gear shift.

Kylie: Oh. Sorry.

Cut to... VETERINARY EXAM ROOM The vet looks up from the possum to the worried Kylie and J.D.

Vet: Yeah, this thing's dead. That'll be a hundred-twenty dollars.

Cut to... MINI -- VETERINARY HOSPITAL PARKING LOT Kylie watches J.D. bang his head on the steering wheel, lightly honking the horn.

J.D.'s Thoughts: A hundred and twenty dollars for a stupid dead rat!?

Kylie: I think it's so sweet that you're depressed about that poor little possum.

J.D.: [Sits up] I'll always remember him. Little Carlton. I named him after my uncle. He had red eyes. Allergic to preserves, but he spread 'em on everything, you know?

Kylie smiles with forced understanding.

J.D.: Anyway, we only lost about a half hour. We can still make that reservation!

He starts up the car and backs out, hitting a large box behind them.

J.D.: Oh, there's possums everywhere!

Kylie: No, no no no. It's just a box.

The box groans "Owwww."

Kylie: A...talking box.

Cut to... MINI -- EN ROUTE Kylie sits in the back with the bum from the box, J.D.'s button-up shirt tied around his injured hand.

Kylie: I think your shirt stopped the bleeding.

J.D.: [Cowering in his belly shirt] Great!

SceneEdit

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Carla and Turk come around to the desk, where Laverne is gazing at a cake.

Carla: Happy birthday, Laverne!

Nurse Roberts: Thanks, Carla.

Turk: Did your brother make you face cake?

Nurse Roberts: Sure did!

She turns the cake, revealing a beautiful frosting portrait of herself on top.

Carla: Wow.

Turk: Think I could have a piece of that face cake?

Elliot: [Rushing over] I heard there's face cake!

A whole crowd of staff, including Lonnie, Todd, Dr. Kelso, and the Janitor, suddenly appear around the desk, clamoring for face cake.

Nurse Roberts: Back off! I'm saving this for my party tonight.

They murmur their disappointment. Just then, the doors bust open and Kylie, the box bum, and J.D. in his belly shirt stride in.

Turk: [Smirking at the scene] Outstanding.

J.D.: [To a passing nurse] Nurse? Do me a favor, please -- bandage this gentleman up, little bit...fix him up.

He turns to the face cake crowd, who all stare at him.

J.D.'s Narration: I think they sensed that my first date wasn't going perfectly; and even though I could smell face cake in the air, it was about to get worse.

Danni comes up behind him.

Danni: Dr. Dorkian, I presume?

J.D.'s Thoughts: The ex-girlfriend from hell. Get out! Get out before she sprays her toxic stink all over your new relationship!

J.D.: Danni, love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the I.C.U.

He leads Kylie off.

Bum: Hey. Hey, hey! You were gonna take me back to the underpass!

J.D.: After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?

Meanwhile... Dr. Cox talks to Jordan (in a fedora...wait for it) and Danni.

Dr. Cox: She's your nightmare sister. You take her out to dinner.

Jordan: I spent the whole day with her. She stole a sweater!

Danni: So what? You're the one wearing it. [Jordan scoffs.] Now let's go eat. I've had nothing all day except vodka and olives.

Meanwhile... PATIENT'S OBSERVATION ROOM Kylie watches J.D. pull on a scrub top.

J.D.: Thanks for the shirt, Lonnie.

Lonnie: [Bare chested, badge clipped to his nipple, with a small but noticeable mustache] Are you doing this because I forgot to shave this morning?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Good lord! That's a one-day mustache?

J.D.: No, Lonnie.

Lonnie leaves.

J.D.: [Happily to Kylie] It's so great, because the residents are practically our slaves.

His face freezes in horror.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Aggghhh! I just said "slaves" to my new black girlfriend!

Kylie: Unfreeze, J.D. It's over. [Looks over at the man lying in the bed.] So, uh... What's wrong with this guy?

J.D.: [Picking up the chart] Well, let's see. "Fatigue, fever, malaise." Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?

Patient: Yeah...?

J.D.'s Narration: And then I said something stupid.

J.D.: Could be SARS.

J.D.'s Narration: I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.

      • SURREAL "FANTASY"***

Alarms and sirens go off, automatic bars slam down over the windows, and staffers frantically rush around as the exits are sealed off.

Jordan, desperate to escape, heads for a narrowing exit, knocking Perry in the crotch on her way, and sliding to duck under the lowing door. Her hat blows off, and Indiana Jones style, she reaches quickly in to grab it.

      • BACK TO REALITY***

Jordan waves at Perry and Danni from the outside, blowing a quick kiss at them before running off. Dr. Cox turns back darkly.

Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?

J.D. and Kylie look around helplessly.

Danni: [Waving a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

ActEdit

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso has gathered the trapped staff.

Dr. Kelso: Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in twenty years, so I bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back, and that's going to take several hours. So let's hang in there and not forget this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.

He leaves, and the gathered staff all turn an angry glare onto J.D.

J.D.: Kylie, angry mob. Angry mob, Kylie.

She waves demurely, and they all grunt their "hello."

Danni: SARS sucks.

Dr. Cox: Okay. You can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.

Danni: Hi.

Doug: [Waving cutely] Hi.

Dr. Cox: Otherwise, let's bear in mind that we are short-handed -- there are only four doctors here.

Turk: I counted more than that.

Dr. Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle head. Here, Pee-Pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.

Todd: There's only two of us.

Dr. Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.

Todd: Yeah you did!

Everybody breaks up and goes back to work. J.D. and Kylie turn and walk through the hall.

J.D.: So be honest -- is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?

Kylie: I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting...being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. I just wish I could be your assistant.

J.D.: Say no more. [Stops Lonnie] Lonnie, shirt!

Lonnie: No!

J.D.: Don't make me say pants. I'll do it.

Lonnie reluctantly removes and hands over his spare scrub top to Kylie and goes on.

J.D.: Still tanning, I see.

Kylie: He's your bitch, isn't he?

J.D.: Yeah.

Kylie: [Giggling] That is so cute! I'll go change.

She runs off to do so, and Elliot approaches J.D.

Elliot: So, Kylie looks like she's having fun.

J.D.: It's a front. She's miserable. So far the highlight of the night's been putting the possum to sleep -- and that's not a euphemism.

Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl. My dad's a doctor, and I remember how excited I was the first time I saw him work at the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings. But that's totally normal for an 11-year-old, right? Anyway, yeah...[pauses uncomfortably]...I forget.

She runs back to her patients. Kylie returns in Lonnie's scrub top.

Kylie: So what first, doctor?

J.D.: Well, you need a chart.

Kylie: Lonnie! Chart!

Lonnie comes over in a floral nurses' scrub top and gives Kylie a chart.

J.D.: You look ridiculous.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Except for that glorious mustache.

Lonnie scowls at J.D. and goes back to work.

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Danni arrives to where Dr. Cox is going over a chart.

Danni: Hey, grouchy pants! Do you wanna hang out?

Dr. Cox: Does "hang out" mean choke you?

She looks at him blankly. Ted and Doug arrive.

Ted: Hey, Danni, what's shakin'?

She looks at them blankly (she's good at that).

Ted: Turk and Carla's wedding -- we made out?

Doug: So did we.

Danni: Was it at the same time? Because I have a habit of doing that at people's weddings.

They're sort of speechless.

Dr. Cox: Leaving. Good show, fellas.

He goes.

Danni: [Chasing after] Wait for me, Perr-Perr!

Doug: [To Ted] Smooth maneuver, hoover. You scared her off.

Ted: You were the one who was embarrassingly forward!

SceneEdit

PATIENT'S OBSERVATION ROOM Carla leads Turk in.

Turk: I'm bored. I'm a surgeon, and there's no surgery.

Carla: [Presenting supplies] Why do you think I brought you in here? We're short-handed. Mr. Dempsey needs his bedsores redressed.

Turk: Baby, that's a nurse stuff, I don't have the expertise.

Carla: Turk, any idiot can be a nurse.

Turk: I know, I just think--

Carla: [Shoves him hard] I knew you thought that! I knew it.

She storms out.

Turk: You tricked me!

SceneEdit

HALL Dr. Kelso exits a patient's room, stepping over Ted and Doug who are tussling on the floor.

Ted: Say she's mine, Murphy!

Doug: Not until you kill me! Aiiee!

Cut to... NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso returns his chart to the desk, next to which the Janitor stands buffing his nails.

Dr. Kelso: The only thing I detest more than treating patients is treating patients on an empty stomach. I'm famished!

Janitor: We've been in here for eight minutes.

Dr. Kelso: I haven't eaten since yesterday. I've been starving myself because I was going to a steakhouse tonight. It was just gonna be me, a 24-ounce porterhouse, and a fistful of blood thinners.

Janitor: That's an incredibly boring story, with a fantastic...[flips his cotton ball into a jar at the end of the desk]...FINISH! [Chuckles proudly.]

Dr. Kelso: Five bucks says you can't do that twice.

Janitor: [Considers it.] You're on.

He flicks another cotton ball...and misses.

Janitor: Double or nothin'.

SceneEdit

WARD Elliot comes up to J.D., who is going over a chart.

Elliot: So how's it going with Kylie?

He gestures across the ward to the chair where Kylie is tucked up sleeping.

J.D.: There was nothing exciting going on.... This sucks! I need to look like a stud, and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!

Hearing this, the bum wanders over.

Bum: Got twenty bucks?

SceneEdit

PATIENT'S OBSERVATION ROOM Dr. Cox has Turk in here.

Dr. Cox: So, Nurse Ghandirella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths -- happy ending optional, his choice, not yours.

Turk: This guy's in a coma.

Dr. Cox: Not all of him.

He catches sight of Danni passing the open door.

Dr. Cox: [Hiding face] Not here, not here, not here, not here, not here, not here --

Turk: Danni!

Dr. Cox: -- not he-he-re!

Danni comes back in.

Danni: Hi!

Dr. Cox: Oh, good! You're here! Listen, seeing as we're amigos now, I was wondering if you could do me a solid. This bald, sad clown isn't really much of a nurse, so could you go ahead and keep an eye on him for me?

Danni: Yeah, sure. I'd love to.

Dr. Cox happily heads out, giving Turk an evil grin over Danni's shoulder.

Danni: Hey, didn't I go to your wedding?

Turk: Yeah. You threw up on my gram-gram.

He goes to the door and shouts after Cox.

Turk: Hey! You can't get inside my head! Hey, mentally? Strong!

He turns back in to find Danni puffing a cigarette.

Turk: You can't smoke in here.

Danni: I don't see any signs.

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso comes over where Todd is watching Janitor flick cotton ball after cotton ball at the jar.

Dr. Kelso: So how much does he owe me, Barbarino?

Todd: Six hundred so far.

Janitor: [To self] Dammit, man, you cannot afford this. [Loading another cotton ball] Stop...stop...stop...!

Aaaand...he flicks, into the mass of cotton balls scattered all over the station.

SceneEdit

WARD J.D. dramatically works on the "fallen" bum.

J.D.: Come on, Steve! Stay with me, buddy! [Kylie stirs and watches from her chair.] YOU'RE NOT GETTIN' THIS ONE YET, LORD! [Quietly to the bum] Could you make your face a little bit redder, buddy? Come on.

Bum: [Through teeth] I want more money.

J.D.: WHAT!?

Bum: [Through teeth] Fifty bucks or I tell the girl.

J.D.: I don't have it!

Bum: [Through teeth] Get it!

J.D.: Elliot, I need another doctor over here, stat!

She rushes over and kneels down over the "patient."

Elliot: [Hushed] Yeah?

J.D.: Gimme thirty dollars.

Elliot: I gave you twenty, I'm tapped! Ask Johnson. He's loaded.

J.D.: I need a dermatologist over here, stat!

Dr. Johnson: [Throwing down his magazine] Oh yeah! Time to shine! [Crouching over the "patient"] What do you need? Is it a rash?

J.D.: Look, I paid this guy to fake a heart attack. He wants fifty bucks, we only have twenty.

Dr. Johnson: You know, I feel like you guys just use me for my money.

J.D.: You have a trust fund! Now gimme the money!

Dr. Johnson: Ehhh!

He slaps the dough into the bum's hand and leaves. Kylie stands to get a closer look as J.D. grabs the defibrillator paddles

J.D.: CLEAR!

Obviously not charged, but looking real enough, he applies the paddles to the bum.

Bum: [Sitting up] I'm alive!

Kylie raises her hands in celebration as J.D. dramatically rises.

J.D.: J.D., one -- Lord, zero.

Cut to... HALL Kylie holds tight to the heroic J.D. as they walk through.

J.D.'s Narration: Just like that, love was in the air. It was as if our first date got other people talking about some of theirs.

They pass Elliot, Carla, Turk, Todd, and the Janitor standing in a group.

Elliot: I had this one first date where the guy took me to play paintball. All he does the whole time is shoot me in the face. After two years with that guy, I'm like, "That's enough!" You know?

Janitor: Ha ha! First dates, huh? ...Someone give me seven hundred bucks.

Todd: I went out with this girl, she was like the worst first date ever. I take her for a romantic ferry ride, and for some reason I decide to take it out--

Carla: Okay. Your turn is done. The worst first date that I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right?

Turk: Yeah...you know what? Really don't wanna hear about this one. Okay!

He turns and enters a patient's room where Cox is reminiscing to a staffer.

Dr. Cox: ...And she didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. You believe that?

Turk furrows his brow and checks back in with Carla's story in the hall.

Carla: It had anchovies.

Patient's room...

Dr. Cox: And pineapples.

Hall...

Carla: And pineapples?

Patient's room...

Dr. Cox: And red peppers.

Hall...

Carla: And green peppers.

Turk: [Relieved] Ohhh. [Smiles.]

Carla: Wait -- red peppers!

Turk: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Meanwhile... WARD J.D. and Kylie's time together is briefly interrupted by Turk's screams echoing through the unit.

J.D.'s Narration: I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice, and I could feel how little I cared...because by the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy.

Kylie: You know something? Seeing you in your element today, you seem so...

J.D.'s Thoughts: Here it comes -- sexy!

Kylie: Genuine.

J.D.'s Thoughts: She would have said sexy if I had a mustache.

Kylie: You know, James lied all the time, and I don't know...it's just nice to be with a guy I can trust.

J.D.: Cool.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no.

ActEdit

I.C.U. WARD Watching over the bum, Kylie blows a kiss across the ward to J.D., who stands with Elliot.

J.D.: ["Catching" the kiss] I don't deserve this.... [Stops and thinks, then blubbers the palmed kiss into his lips.] I'm no better than her lying ex-boyfriend. I paid a hobo to fake a heart attack.

Elliot: So, you just tell her the truth, she's mad at you for a little while, and then she forgives ya.

J.D.: I see what you're saying! There's no downside! [Going over to Kylie] Kylie!

He passes... NURSES' STATION Turk confronts Carla.

Turk: You dated the devil.

Carla: Turk.

Turk: And you lied to me.

Carla: No, uh-uh! No. You never asked me if I dated Dr. Cox. You can ask me anything, I would never lie to you.

Turk: Do you sometimes wish I had hair?

Carla: [Small] Yes.

She escapes to the other side of the desk.

Turk: This is a nightmare. I'm standing here living in a nightmare.

Carla: Okay, maybe I'm guilty of a lie of omission.

Turk: 'Cause you're a lie omitter!

Carla: I know this may be asking too much, but could you please try and keep it together until we can get home and talk about it?

Turk: [Reluctant] Fine.

Carla: Thank you.

Lonnie arrives with a chart.

Lonnie: Carla, I like your hair that way.

Turk, all jealous, gets Lonnie's attention and head-butts him, knocking him to the floor Carla gasps.

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION -- OTHER SIDE Dr. Kelso approaches Nurse Roberts.

Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I bet you're tempted to break open that face cake and just tear it apart.

Nurse Roberts: No one's touching this.

She carries her cake away to safety.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, I don't care. I'm not even hungry.

The Janitor arrives.

Janitor: Dr. Kelso, I don't have seven hundred dollars....

Kelso's stomach growls.

Janitor: That actually sounded like the word "cake."

Dr. Kelso: [Whispering conspiratorially] You get me that damn face cake, and you are free and clear.

Janitor nods subtly.

SceneEdit

HALL Danni walks through, past Ted and Doug.

Danni: Hi, Glenn.

Doug &: Hey! Ted

Doug: I'm Glenn.

Ted: I'm Glenn!

They start to stare each other down.

Ted: Look, let's not go down that road again. Come on. Shake.

They shake hands, but it instantly turns to a steel-grip competition.

SceneEdit

PATIENT'S OBSERVATION ROOM J.D. and Kylie stand over a patient.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, it's time to come clean.

J.D.: Kylie, I brought you here because I wanted to tell you--

He's interrupted by Doug whacking Ted's face into the window.

Doug: [To a nearly unconscious Ted] Say I'm Glenn!

They collapse to the floor.

J.D.: ...That's peculiar... Anyway, what I really wanted to say was--

He's interrupted by Danni knocking on the window.

Danni: J.D.! J.D.! Look at me! [She blows her mouth on the glass and runs off.]

Kylie: Ugh! That's exactly the kind of girl my ex-boyfriend would have dated.

J.D.: I barely know her.

J.D.'s Thoughts: And the lies begin again.

J.D.: I certainly would never sleep with her.

J.D.'s Thoughts: That's it -- you're stronger than this. Not another lie!

J.D.: I race motorcycles.

The bum appears at the window.

J.D.: Excuse me.

He goes to the door where the bum sits just outside, below the window and out of Kylie's view.

J.D.: What the hell are you doing?

Bum: I need more cash.

J.D.: For what?

Bum: I'm puttin' DSL in my box.

J.D.: [Stammers] Fine! But know this: you've been nothing but a disappointment to me since the moment I ran over you.

He catches Kylie's eye through the window and blows her an innocent kiss before leaving down the hall.

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Turk, on a low boil, is sitting next to Carla as Dr. Cox arrives.

Dr. Cox: Hey, baby.

Carla: [Calming Turk] Keep it together.

Dr. Cox: Do you remember that quarantine we had seven years ago? It was just you and me, all alone late at night here in the I.C.U.?

Turk: That's it. [Storms off.]

Carla: Turk! [Glares at Cox] You really had to do that?

Dr. Cox: Come on. If he wasn't such a jealous baby, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

Carla: Give him a break! What if you found out Jordan had a history with somebody here?

Dr. Cox: Oh, fair enough. [Turns to the ward.] Uh, hey, everyone! [Whistles.]

The present staff, and the passing J.D. and Kylie, stop and look.

Dr. Cox: In the brief eighteen months that Jordan and I weren't together, how many of you had your way with her?

Just about everyone raises their hands, except J.D., who tries to look innocent.

Dr. Cox: Bear in mind, I'm gonna need absolute honesty here or I will brain you.

When Kylie's attention is turned, J.D. quickly sticks his hand up.

Dr. Cox: Anyway, whoever taught Jordan that reverse cowgirl position...it's long overdue, but thank you.

J.D. starts to make a quick gesture of claim, but then...

Dr. Mickhead: You're welcome.

Cox proudly turns back to Carla.

Carla: You're a freak.

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION -- OTHER SIDE Nurse Roberts checks on her cake, which is a mess.

Nurse Roberts: Who ate my face cake?!

Everyone freezes, including the guilty Kelso and his Janitor accomplice. Kelso hides his cake behind his back and turns.

Dr. Kelso: [Pointing at Janitor] He did. [Under breath to the nearly protesting Janitor] Seven hundred dollars.

Janitor drops his head in defeat.

SceneEdit

WARD Elliot comes over as J.D. checks on the unconscious bum.

Elliot: Wow, he is really out.

J.D.: A mild sedative fell into his juice box.

Elliot: Look, J.D...I know why you're lying about everything. You don't think you're good enough for Kylie. I mean, you've always had this insecure thing even though you're this funny, weird, amazing guy. I mean...that's why I fell in love with you, and I'm betting if you just act like yourself, Kylie will too.

J.D.: Thanks, Elliot. Really. But that's a load of crap, because nobody is themselves when they start dating. Dating is just acting like you're somebody you're not until the person likes you enough so you can show 'em who you really are.

Elliot: No, it's not.

J.D.: What do you call that bra you wore for your date last week?

Elliot: Oh, the Miracle Lift Super Push-Up bra? But not everyone's as insecure as me.

Carla passes through.

J.D.: Carla, when you first started dating Turk, didn't you tell him you loved watching NBA basketball every weekend?

Carla: Yeah.

J.D.: And how many games have you watched since he proposed?

Carla: One. But only because that time he made me choose between watching basketball or having sex.

Elliot: Ah...heh.

Carla continues on.

J.D.: Exactly. As soon as I get outta here, I'm gonna treat Kylie better than anyone ever has. I just gotta make it through tonight, okay? Now, keep an eye on the bum's vitals. I gave him enough sedative to put down a rhino.

SceneEdit

PATIENT'S OBSERVATION ROOM Turk does his nurse duty as Dr. Cox checks on the patient.

Turk: I don't understand why Carla didn't tell me about you guys.

Dr. Cox: Maybe it's because she's really in love with me, and together we injected you with diabetes to very slowly get you out of the picture. Or maybe it's because I really liked her, but she didn't exactly feel the same way about me and I got the forehead kiss after spending ninety stinkin' dollars on theater tickets. Or maybe -- and this is a huge outside maybe -- maybe she knows that you're the kind of person who freaks out over irrelevant things from the past. Personally, I hope it's all three.

He leaves Turk to digest that.

J.D.'s Narration: They say all horrible things eventually come to an end.

Cut to... NURSES' STATION Everyone is gathered around as Dr. Kelso hangs up the phone.

Dr. Kelso: The lab results are back, and there is no SARS. The quarantine is over. So, [waves] bye-bye, everyone.

Behind him, Nurse Roberts notices a bit of brown goo on his thumb.

Nurse Roberts: [Grabs his wrist] That looks like my neck!

Horror music plays as Nurse Roberts struggles to bring Kelso's thumb closer. Finally, she prevails and sucks the incriminating frosting off his thumb.

Nurse Roberts: Oh, this does not end well for you. [To the smug nearby Janitor] Thanks for the heads up, jumpsuit.

Janitor nods.

Dr. Kelso: You are going to pay every cent of that seven hundred dollars!

Janitor drops his gaze sadly, and catches sight of a depressor and cotton ball set at the end of the desk.

Janitor: Double or nothin'!

He whacks the end of the depressor and the cotton ball goes flying. Janitor squeals desperately as the white puff flies through the air and...lands in the jar!

Janitor: We're even. Good night, sir.

He heads out. Across the ward, J.D. and Kylie stand watching.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Kelso made me realize that lies come back to haunt you -- even little ones about cake.

J.D. watches Turk and Carla head out, arms around each other.

J.D.'s Narration: Heck, even a lie of omission shook the foundation of a couple that was much more established than Kylie and me.

Kylie turns for the door.

J.D.'s Narration: And I knew I couldn't let her go out that door.

Kylie: Let's go.

J.D.: Kylie, wait. I paid Steve fifty bucks and an I.O.U. for another hundred and twenty to fake a heart attack. I just--I really wanted tonight to go well.

Kylie: Is there anything else?

Danni: [Passing on her way out] Adios, assface.

J.D.: I had sex with her. A lot.

Kylie: Why are you telling me this?

J.D.: If I don't come clean now, whether it's a few weeks or months or years from now, I know it's gonna come back to haunt me and ruin us, and I don't want that.

Kylie: I'm not looking for a project.

J.D.: Yeah.... I understand. It's....

Kylie: [Pinching his chin] So get it together. Now let's go get some coffee.

She turns for the door again.

J.D.: Wait. You know, if we--if we leave like that, that's how we're always gonna remember this night. I don't want that.

Kylie: So...what do you want to do?

He kisses her, and she kisses back.

Fade to black.

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