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2x17 Cox and Jordan watch JD pee

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Own Private Practice Guy".

ActEdit

Hospital -- Men's Room
J.D. enters and sidles up to the urinal next to Dr. Cox.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, you've been avoiding Dr. Cox ever since Jordan told you her baby was actually his. But this chance meeting is a sign. It's time to let go of the secret. You just need to find a smooth way in.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox! Takin' a wizz?
Dr. Cox: We've been over this before, Newbie -- eyes front, no talking.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, fine. I'll just read the wall.
J.D.: "J.D. has a tiny pickle"?
Dr. Cox: Kudos for honesty, there, Newbie -- but, again, no talking.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I have to tell you something....
Jordan enters.
Jordan: Oh! Perry, you pee standing up at work! That is so cute! Would you come on? We're on a very tight schedule.
J.D. whimpers vaguely.
Dr. Cox finishes up and heads to the sink.
Dr. Cox: You know, Jordan, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet, I just went ahead and assumed you'd be used to tight things by now.
Jordan: Oh, that's lovely.
She notices J.D. and walks up behind him.
Jordan: Huh! Well, hello, sailor.
J.D.: [nervous] Ahoy.
Dr. Cox walks up behind J.D.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my goodness, Newbie. Are you so uncomfortable with Jordan here that you've, in fact, stopped peeing mid-stream?
J.D.: [uncomfortable] I may have.

SceneEdit

Doctors' Lounge
Turk and J.D. enter, passing Dr. Kelso at the arcade game.
Dr. Kelso: Yes!
J.D.: I wonder why Dr. Cox and Jordan got divorced? I mean, they act like they hate each other, but I think that's just for show.
Turk: Yeah, whatever. Are you gonna stretch before we play basketball, or what?
J.D.'s Narration: Turk likes to blow off steam by playing basketball before surgery. I always get my ass kicked.... But not today.
He pulls on some protective goggles.
J.D.: Grrrrrr.
Cut to...
The Parking Lot
The ball bounces off of J.D.'s goggles. Turk recovers the ball and sinks the basket.
Turk: And that's game!
He and Todd exchange sweaty, celebratory chest bumps and grunts.
J.D.: How the hell did we lose?! We have Chet!
The extremely tall Chet passes.
Chet: Sorry, man.
J.D.: Chet, you suck!!!
J.D.: [frustrated] AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
J.D.: You know what, some stereotypes are true, Turk. Okay? And, just maybe, black people are a little better at basketball. Whatta you say?
***Fantasy Sequence: Nurse Roberts, who had been watching the game with a few other gathered staffers, has the ball. The Harlem Globetrotters theme plays as she does some hot tricks, leaps through the air, and dunks the ball, swinging on the basket.
Nurse Roberts: HAH!
****
Turk: Maybe a little.
Nurse Roberts: Y'all got hockey.

ActEdit

Elevator / Hall
J.D. and Elliot step out and walk through.
J.D.: Why do you think they got divorced?
Elliot: Oh, I have no idea. I just can't believe you had to pee in front of Jordan! I could _not_ do that. I mean, Paul's my boyfriend, and I make him turn the volume way up on the T.V. when I go. Plus, he's not allowed in the apartment an hour before _or_ after I do twosies.
J.D.: Elliot, you're a doctor -- stop calling it "twosies."
Elliot: Oh, with patients I say "dookie." Oh, dookie!
J.D.: What?
She hurries off as Dr. Cox approaches.
Dr. Cox: Well, now, Maggie! I can only assume that you are whiling away the morning cat-chatting with your favorite gal-pal because you've already finished your pre-rounding?
J.D.: I haven't even started yet.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: Gotcha! Finished!
Dr. Cox: That's a good one, Newbie. My heart is racing. You are quite the prankster.
J.D.: I could tell you some stories.
Dr. Cox: And if there's a God in heaven, you never will. This is Mrs. Gracin's chart -- her private practice doctor just showed up, so I am off this one.
He heads off.
J.D.: Well, is there anything I need to do for her lung nodule?
Dr. Cox: [from down the hall] Oh, I don't know. What do you say you start her on 20 CCs of It's not my problem anymore!
Cut to...
Mrs. Gracin's Room
J.D. approaches.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Great. Another pretentious private practice guy who's gonna order me around while he counts his money all day.
He enters the room, where the private practice doctor, Pete, is at the bed of his patient, the middle-aged Mrs. Gracin.
Pete: Hey! You must be J.D.!
He grabs J.D.'s hand in a shake.
J.D.'s Thoughts: He knows my name.
Pete: I'm Dr. Fisher -- I go by Pete. Never call me Petey, we'll be friends for life. Hey, look at this. Don't believe me? Already got you a latte, buddy. Look at that.
He hands J.D. a paper take-away cup.
J.D.: Thanks! A latte!
Pete: That's funny! [to the patient] We got a good one, Sally!
J.D.'s Thoughts: How is that funny? Eh, just go with it.
J.D.: You know, I'm always pulling pranks, too. Like, before, Dr. Cox was like, "Did you do that pre-rounding?"---
Pete: You know what -- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you; I do want to hear the end of that story, though -- could you get a pulmonary consult for Sally for me?
J.D.: Yeah, we--yeah.
Pete: You're probably thinking, Why didn't you do that before I got here? But you weren't sure if you'd be over-stepping your boundaries. What if I was some sort of territorial ass with a giant ego -- or a territorial ego with a giant ass. Stop me, Sally, please!
J.D.: Ha!
Pete: And you're gonna help me. Need you to help me get Sally, here, out of bed; that way I can go back to trying to get her _into_ bed.
Sally: [giggling] Stop!
Pete: You stop, foxy lady! [to J.D.] Look, you're doing great. From now on, just follow your instincts, okay? [to Sally] And you, don't flirt so much.
He heads out.
Sally grins at J.D.
Sally: Wanna make him jealous?
J.D.: No. [thinks] "Thank--thanks a latte!" Thank--thank--well--'cau--well--well--"thanks a lot!" [calls down the hall] I--oh, "Thanks a latte"! I got it!

SceneEdit

Nurses' Station
The gang are all standing around, bored.
J.D.'s Narration: At a hospital, there's always one sure way to deal with boredom.
J.D.: You guys wanna go laugh at the narcoleptic guy?
They all follow him down the hall.
J.D.'s Narration: I know it sounds insensitive, but let's face it -- narcolepsy is a funny condition. And it can be triggered by a number of things.... Like stress.
Shot of: A kid in a classroom, passed out on top of his test paper.
J.D.'s Narration: Or anger, from, say, three double-bogeys in a row.
Shot of: A golf cart being driven across a course by a man slumped over the steering wheel.
He's heard crashing into the water trap.
J.D.'s Narration: Or...in Mr. Hilliard's case....
The gang are outside the man's room, looking through the observation window.
Turk: Sexual arousal!?!
Elliot: I'm goin' in.
She goes into the man's room.
Nurse Roberts: Is falling asleep _after_ sex considered narcolepsy? 'Cause if it is, Mr. Roberts got it.
Carla laughs.
They all turn their attention back to the window, where Elliot is playing for Mr. Hilliard's attention.
J.D.: Okay, so, first she's gonna stick her chest out...and then she'll toss her hair....
Carla: That's sexy.
Turk: And, drop!
Elliot drops her pen.
Elliot: Oh! Oops!
She bends over, giving the patient a nice view of her rear.
His head falls -- he's fast asleep.
J.D.: Oh, that did it.
They clap.
Elliot does a little victory dance.
Elliot: Hell yeah!
Cut to...
Hall
Carla and Elliot are walking through (probably back from Mr. Hilliard's room).
Elliot: I have a boyfriend, work is going well, I actually feel cute for the first time in my life; my self-esteem cannot be touched!
Carla: It's been so weird since I got engaged.
Elliot: Oh, you're right -- I'll never get married! Message received!
Carla: Elliot! This is about me.
Elliot: Oh, really?
Carla: Yeah.
Elliot: Ohh, 'kay.
Carla: It's like, I don't feel attractive at all lately. Like I've lost my spark or something.
Elliot: Oh, please! Remember what Kelso said about your hair yesterday?
***Flashback: Dr. Kelso faces the camera.
Dr. Kelso: It makes you look frumpy!
****
Elliot: I thought he said "clumpy"!
Carla: How is that better?
Elliot: ...I--
Carla: You don't know.

SceneEdit

Parking Lot
Dr. Kelso pulls into his space, where Turk and Todd were just about to play ball.
Dr. Kelso: Morning, boys!
Turk: Sir? This is where we play.
Dr. Kelso: Funny. I thought this was where we worked?
He gets out and sets his alarm.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I have a low-anterior resection later on this afternoon, and I'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best.
Dr. Kelso: Well...I'd really like to have grand-kids someday, but the last five Christmases, my son has brought his roommate Brad home! So, you tell me whether life is fair.
He heads into the building.

SceneEdit

I.C.U.
J.D. and Pete approach the Nurses' Station.
J.D.: I can't believe you did your residency here, too!
Pete: You kidding me? We lived, we loved, we sang to each other, for crying out loud. Hey, Laverne, remember the time you and I got a little crazy, right? Went down to the waterfall, stripped off our scrubs, dove in. You remember that, Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: Are you hittin' the crack-pipe?
Pete: [to J.D.] See, that's the kind of magic I'm talking about, buddy!
Dr. Cox arrives.
Dr. Cox: Hey, ladies.
J.D.: Oh, you two must already know each other.
Pete: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Petey.
The two stare each other down.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, when you're in an awkward situation, the best thing to do is to go to your happy place.
***Fantasy Sequence: 'The Tonight Show'
Jay Leno is doing his monologue.
Jay Leno: ...Well, it's not uncommon! I think a lot of people keep, uh, plants in their apartment. Right, J.D.?
The audience laughs as Jay looks over to his band leader, J.D., who sits in Kevin Eubanks' place with a guitar.
J.D.: [laughing] Oh, Jay! You're so crazy!
He does a mad riff on the guitar.
****
Pete and Dr. Cox are still staring at each other.
Pete: We have a little history.... Yeah....
Without a word, Cox walks away.
J.D.: What's up his pooper?
Pete: Actually, I think he's mad 'cause I went into private practice and he's stuck in this hell-hole.
J.D.: Yeah.
Pete and J.D. turn to walk down the hall.
Pete: You wouldn't believe this, but that guy was my mentor, man. I mean, I lived and breathed for that guy's approval.
J.D.: That's lame.
Pete: I know! Once you learn the tricks, though, he's easier to deal with; you'll see.
J.D.: Tell me about it.
Pete: [laughing] Yeah!
J.D.: No, no, I'm serious -- tell me about it.
Pete: Oh! Ohh. Uh, well, you know when he gets on his rants, he gets all hyped up, his vein starts sticking out of his neck, and he starts yelling at ya -- when he's done, just look at him, stare him right in the eye, and say, "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
J.D. laughs.
Pete: I don't know why, but it works; trust me.
J.D.: No, I do. Now, how do you get him to stop calling you girl's names.
Pete: Girl's names?
J.D.: Oh. Nevermind.

SceneEdit

Another Hall
Elliot is rushing through. He pager pops off her belt.
Elliot: Pukers!
She snatches it up off the floor, blowing her fallen hair out of her face.
Elliot: I gotta get this thing fixed.
The Janitor steps up to her.
Janitor: Allow me! May I?
He takes the pager and begins adjusting it with a tool.
Janitor: Ah, yep. See, what you got here is a Medi-Com XJ. Got this hip-guard on it -- I'm guessing it's always, uh, coming loose?
Elliot: It _is_ always coming loose!
Janitor: I've been there; I've seen it; I fixed it. Without a try, missy.
He hands it back with a smile.
Elliot: Thank you!
Janitor: Oh, for what? For doing my job? Come on! This kind of thing gets me up in the morning. That, and the smell of urinal cakes.
He laughs heartily.
Elliot joins in.
Janitor: Anyway, I'll see you around! Have a good one!
Elliot: Back at'cha!
They part ways with a grin.
Further down the hall, Elliot passes J.D.
J.D.: What are you smiling about?
Elliot: Oh, I just made a new friend!
She continues on, and J.D. looks back down the hall at the Janitor, who is happily humming a little tune as he mops.

SceneEdit

Doctor's Lounge
Turk is hanging out with Todd as he tries another outlet for relieving his stress -- playing Miss PacMan.
Turk: This is so unfair of Kelso. Everyone has gotta have a way of taking the edge off! You and I, we've got basketball. Nurse Roberts, she's got her stories.
Todd: Some guy named D.R.K. must love Miss PacMan, 'cause he's got the high score of 41 million.
Turk: D.R.K.? [thinks] Dr. Kelso!
***Fantasy/Surreal Sequence: Dr. Kelso toddles through the hospital like a video-game character, making little "wocka-wocka-wocka" noises -- punctuated by the occasional score-improving "plblbling!"
****
Todd: [as he plays] Ohh, Miss PacMan, I would sex that bow right off your head! Eat those dots, you naughty, naughty girl!

SceneEdit

I.C.U. / Nurses' Station
J.D. comes up to Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, buddy! I was just thinking about you! Yeah, I was thinking how it might be real nice to have somebody around here who could help me out. You know, somebody I could call -- oh, gosh -- "My Resident"...and we'd do stuff together. You know, medical stuff. And it would just be peaches! But then it occurred to me that a guy who looked a hell of a lot like you used to be that guy.
Monica! Just because you have a new buddy doesn't mean you can all of a sudden drop all your regular duties. And I know I just said "drop your duties," and, so help me God, if you even smile, I will crush you into two little newbie-cubes and hang you from rearview mirror. Whatta you gotta say for yourself?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Just do it!
J.D.: I'm sorry...did you say something?
***Fantasy Sequence: Pete steps into the frame of a close-up of Dr. Cox.
He has a pointer.
Pete: Welcome to today's lecture: The Biomechanical Reaction of Dr. Perry Cox When He's Not Being Listened To.
Stage One: The jaw-clench. Arrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!
Dr. Cox clenches his jaw in frustration.
Pete: Quickly followed by Stage Two: Syllable elongation.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I re-he-heally don't have time to repeat myself!
Pete: Finally, Stage Three: Dr. Cox begrudgingly offers a little respect, but then distances himself by overusing the word "there."
Dr. Cox: But, I gotta give it to you, there, for yanking my chain, there. There!
Pete: The young soldier is offered a prize for his courage.
Get ready!
****
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, there, Newbie: If you want to stick around and help me out with Mrs. Riley's pericardiocentesis after work, that'd be great.
J.D.'s Narration: I knew this was his way of reaching out, but still....
J.D.: I have plans tonight.
Dr. Cox: Oh, what plans!?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, think of something believable. Grandma died! No, no, no, no, don't do that...because if she does die, you'll feel awful; and, let's face it, she's no spring chicken. I should call her. But then, whenever we talk, I have nothing to say -- how 'bout asking me how I am for once!
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Newbie!
J.D.: My grandma died!
He runs off.

SceneEdit

Mr. Hilliard's Room
He's watching TV. Carla enters, her sexuality at full throttle.
Carla: Hello, Mr. Hilliard.
Mr. Hilliard: Hey.
Carla: Just wanna make sure you're comfortable!
She puts her breasts in his face as she fluffs his pillow.
Mr. Hilliard: Who are you?
Carla: [seductively] They call me Carla.
Mr. Hilliard: Okay, Carla it is.
He goes back to the TV, even though she's leaned over inches from his face.
Carla: Mr. Hilliard...
Mr. Hilliard: Mm-hmm?
Carla: Do I have something on my...[licks her lips]...lips?
He looks.
Mr. Hilliard: Nope! Totally clean.
She gives up.

SceneEdit

Bar
J.D. and Pete are hanging out.
J.D.'s Narration: I felt guilty about blowing off Dr. Cox to grab a beer with Pete. Of course, that was before we got Nancy as our waitress!
Pete is talking up the hot waitress.
Pete: Nancy, the kid's a doctor, for crying out loud! He saves lives! That's worthy of your respect, or at least one drunken weekend in Vegas.
J.D.: [whispering to Pete] Three-day weekend!
Pete: Three-day weekend! Columbus day! That's coming up, right? Come on!
J.D.'s Narration: Everyone deals with problems in their own way.
J.D.'s Narration: Some lash out at others...
Dr. Kelso finds the cord of his beloved Miss PacMan machine has been cut.
J.D.'s Narration: ...some just end up lashing out at themselves...
Carla stares dourly at her reflection.
J.D.'s Narration: ...and some people just try to hide.
Dr. Cox enters the bar.
J.D. ducks behind the pool table.
Dr. Cox: [cheerily to the waitress] Nancy! [bitterly to J.D.] Nancy.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, that never works.

ActEdit

Admissions -- Front Desk -- The Next Day
J.D. comes up to Dr. Cox, who is behind the desk, going over a chart.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox? Look, I'm so sorry I lied to you last night. I should've just told you I was getting a beer with Pete.
Dr. Cox: Did we just slip into some alternate dimension where I actually give a flying ducky about what you say and do?
J.D.: Look, I know that he's in private practice and everything, but Pete's actually a really cool guy.
Dr. Cox: He is a bad guy; and Newbie, if you're smart, you'll stay away from him.
J.D.: Ohhh, my God! You're actually jealous that I'm hanging out with another doctor!
Dr. Cox: No, I'm _not_.
J.D.: Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: Jealous!
J.D.: Ta-DOW!
Dr. Cox: Look, Marcia, if I were you, I'd drop this jealousy thing right now.
J.D.: Don't worry about it, champ. It's all right to need me.
He walks away, and Dr. Cox lunges across the desk at J.D. He misses....
Nurse Roberts: Touchdown!

SceneEdit

Administration Desk
Elliot comes up to Carla, who is looking rather depressed.
Elliot: Hi, Happy!
Carla: I'm hideous. I can't even get Todd to make a sex joke. Watch this.
They turn around to Todd, who is looking over a chart.
Carla: Hey, Todd? I'm all out of the extra-long tongue depressors -- do you happen to have one for me?
Todd: Sorry, Carla, I'm all out.
They turn back around.
Elliot: How did he not say, "Yeah, in my pants"?!?
Carla: God! I don't know what is so different about me since I got engaged!
She fiddles with her engagement ring, twisting it off.
Todd: Wait, I found one. It's not made of wood...but give me a minute!
Carla slips her ring back on.
Todd: Hey, have you checked Mr. Oberman for hypertension?
She slips the ring off again.
Todd: Because I've got hypertension right here!
Elliot: [whispering to Carla] No. Way!
Ring off...
Todd: [giggling] Boobies!
Ring on...
Todd: [serious] Charts.

SceneEdit

Cafeteria
Dr. Kelso stalks over to Turk's table.
Dr. Kelso: I know it was you!
Turk pulls out the frayed end of the power cord.
Turk: You mean this right here? This is mine from home!
Dr. Kelso: Forty million, son! Do you have any idea how many patients I had to ignore to get that high score? People died!
Turk: Well, what about me, sir? I need to play basketball. Now, come on, since you lost that stupid game, aren't you more stressed out than usual?
***Flashback: The Elevator
Dr. Kelso is angrily beating his fists on the closed doors to speed them up.
Dr. Kelso: OPEN! OPEN, OPEN, OPEN!
****
Dr. Kelso: Maybe a little.
Turk: So, what do we do now?
Cut to...
Golf Course
Dr. Kelso and Turk are there.
Dr. Kelso: Now, this is how you relieve stress.
He sets up his shot and swings.
Dr. Kelso: DAMMIT TO HELL!

SceneEdit

Hall / Nurses' Station
J.D. and Elliot are walking through.
J.D.: So you're saying the Janitor's a nice person?
Elliot: He is such a sweetie!
J.D.: I'm gonna ask him an innocuous little question, and his answer will be filled with hate. Just filled with it!
They stop next to the Janitor, who is mopping.
J.D.: How's it goin'?
Janitor: Very well, sir! Thank you for asking! How are you?
J.D.: [to Elliot] Do you not see the hate?
Elliot: What is wrong with you?
She walks off.
J.D.: That was a good one.
Janitor: I think so.
J.D. starts to walk off, but the Janitor props the mop against the side of the desk to block him.
Janitor: All right, go.
He blocks J.D. again.
Janitor: Hold it! Nah.
He blocks again.
J.D.: He's doing it!

SceneEdit

Doctor's Lounge
Dr. Cox is on one of the couches, watching a game on the TV.
Pete comes in.
Pete: What's the deal, there, Alpha Dog? You ever gonna cut me some slack?
Dr. Cox: Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey, Petey....
Pete: Okay, good answer. Look, uh, I understand you're seeing Jordan again -- I just wanted to tell you, seriously, good for you.
Dr. Cox: Would you like to know what would be seriously good for you?
Pete: More bran in my diet?
Dr. Cox: No, how 'bout you never mention Jordan again.
J.D. rushes in.
J.D.: Hey! Do you guys mind if I turn on CNN? My grandma bought me a stock -- I wanna see how it's doing.
Pete: Look at Rockefeller! Pass me the remote, buddy!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Cool! These guys are finally starting to get along!
Dr. Cox flings the remote across the room.
J.D.'s Thoughts: ...Or not.
Pete: No big deal! I'll, uh, you know, do one of these -- change the channel.
He heads over to the T.V.
Dr. Cox flies out of his seat and tackles Pete, throwing him to the floor.
J.D.: Or...we could just...leave it on this station....

SceneEdit

Mr. Hilliard's Room
Carla is talking to the man.
Carla: Mr. Hilliard, I like my body.
Mr. Hilliard: Okay.
Carla: I didn't always. I remember when I was ten years old, my swim coach telling me that my butt stuck out of the water too much. But now? I like it when my boyfriend looks at my wagon and goes "BAM!" you know? I'm okay with my curves! I realize women inject God-knows-what into their face to have lips like mine! Mr. Hilliard! I can hop out of the shower and look at my naked body for a whole ten seconds without totally losing it -- that's more than most women! But, still, when I can't make you fall asleep, it's like hearing my swim coach's voice all over again; and my body doesn't deserve that.
Mr. Hilliard: So, what do you want me to do?
Carla: Fall asleep.
Mr. Hilliard: I'm not attracted to you!
Carla: WHY!?!
Mr. Hilliard: Because you remind me of my sister!
Carla: But I'm _not_ your sister!
At that, the man collapses, fast asleep.
Carla: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

SceneEdit

Doctors' Lounge
Dr. Cox gets up off the floor, brushing his hands after his accomplishment with the tackle.
Dr. Cox: Had to be done.
Pete struggles to his feet.
Pete: Okay! Terrific! Grown-ups tackle each other all the time.
Perry, I can't change what already happened, but you gotta believe me -- I never meant to come between you and anyone.
J.D.'s Narration: Watching Dr. Cox and Pete fight over me was -- aw, hell, I'll say it: It was awesome!
Dr. Cox: You went ahead and took something that did not belong to you.
J.D.'s Thoughts: That seemed a little possessive...but I'm flattered!
Dr. Cox: And worse than that, you did it knowing full-well just exactly how I felt about her.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ahh, he just wouldn't be Dr. Cox if he didn't refer to me as a 'her.'
Pete: Hey, for what it's worth, I didn't make the first move.
J.D.: That's a lie! You bought me a latte!
They look at J.D.
J.D.: Hey, guys.
Dr. Cox: We were having problems. Problems that you knew all about because I confided in you. And what did you do with the information? You used it to get Jordan into bed, didn't you. Didn't you!
Pete: Perry, come on.
Dr. Cox: Go.
J.D.'s Narration: And, finally, the reason Dr. Cox and his wife got divorced became abundantly clear.
Pete leaves.

SceneEdit

The Golf Course
Dr. Kelso and Turk are finishing their game.
Turk has putted his ball.
Turk: Yes! Get in there!
It goes in.
Turk: Say it!
Dr. Kelso: I'm your bitch.
Turk: Don't be too hard on yourself, sir! You only been playing this game for, like, fifty-six years!
A security guard named Dave pulls up to them in a golf cart.
Dave: Dr. Kelso, is this young man a guest of yours?
Dr. Kelso thinks a moment.
Dr. Kelso: Dave, I've never seen him before in my life!
Dave: Really?
Dave gets out of his cart and heads over to Turk.
Turk: Dave.... Hey, man, you--you--you--you don't gotta---
Dave: Oh, yeah, I do.
Turk runs away.
Dave: Don't you run from me! Don't! Hey!
Turk: DR. KELSO!
Dave: Hey! Hey!
They continue running around.

SceneEdit

Hospital -- Hall
Pete catches up with J.D.
Pete: Hey, hey! Jack Daniels! What's crackin'? Look, my hot cousin, her volleyball team has a game tonight -- tall girls, tiny shorts -- you in?
J.D.: Uhh, I think I'm gonna pass.
Pete: Ohh, I get it, all right -- you're still in Perr-a-reeno's corner. But that's okay, buddy! Look, just a word to the wise, all right? Just be careful who you hitch your wagon to. I mean that. [he spies a hot nurse] Yikes! I gotta go, okay?
He catches up to the nurse.
Pete: Hi! Could I buy you a house?
J.D.'s Narration: I guess sometimes it comes down to loyalty.
Cut to...
Men's Room
J.D. comes up to the urinal next to Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Still no talking in the bathroom, Newbie.
He flushes and heads over to the sink.
Dr. Cox: You know what's weird?
J.D.: That you're allowed to talk?
Dr. Cox: I never blamed Jordan. I was a chief resident, I was here all the time, and I always made damn-sure she knew she came second. But, God almighty, I'm trying harder this time. I just hope I'm doing the right thing, you know?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Who cares if Jordan wants to keep it a secret? Tell him it's his baby! Scream it from the mountains!
J.D.: DR. COX!
The door opens, and Jordan enters.
Jordan: Oh, there you are!
Dr. Cox: Hey, babe.
Jordan: Hi, handsome. How are you?
They kiss.
She spies J.D. and comes up behind him.
Jordan: Oh! Hello, D.J.
J.D.: [through clenched teeth] Hey, Jordan. How' ya doin'?
Dr. Cox comes up behind him, and peers over his shoulder.
Dr. Cox: Oh!
J.D.'s Narration: Around here, you have to grab hold of the littlest victories.
J.D. does his best to be victorious over his urine-halting discomfort.
J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's victories over your insecurities....
Cut to... Hall
Carla walks confidently through. She smiles as different male staffers check her out.
Cut to...Golf Course
Dr. Kelso laughs as a couple of security guards lead Turk away.
Turk: Doc-Doc-Dr. Kelso?
J.D.'s Narration: ...or security's victories over you.
Turk breaks free.
Turk: Dr. Kelso!
The security guards wrestle him to the ground. Dr. Kelso laughs even harder.
J.D.'s Narration: Either way, you gotta choose your battles.
Cut to... Hall
J.D. hauls Elliot over to the Janitor.
J.D.: I want you to tell her the truth, dammit. All right? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being!
A little kid comes from around the corner next to the Janitor.
J.D.: Who's that?
The Janitor puts his arm around the kid.
Janitor: It's my son.
Elliot: Oh, my God, J.D.!
She goes off, totally repulsed.
J.D.: I-I'm sorry. I di--no, I didn't even see him there, I---
Janitor: No, no, no, I'm...I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
J.D.: I'm so sorry.
He goes off, feeling totally awful.
The Janitor looks down at the boy.
Janitor: Who the hell are you? Go on, beat it.
He goes back to his work.
The kid just stands there.
Janitor: Scram!
The kid doesn't move.
Janitor: ...All right, stick around.

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