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My Own Personal Jesus transcript

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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Own Personal Jesus".


Open: Nurses' Station(?)

J.D.'s Narration: Ahh, Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, when you spend every waking moment in a hospital, it's kinda hard to get into the spirit.

Nurse Roberts: Are you aware that you are in everyone's way?

J.D.: Everyone's way? Or _your_ way? Think about it.

J.D.: Thank God.

She mutters to herself.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Still, there are some traditions I enjoy. Like Nurse Tisdale's 9:15 cup-a coffee.

      • Fantasy Shot: Nurse Tisdale in a bikini.

Elliot: Carla, what time is it?

Carla: Ohh, I don't know, but I'm guessing it's about -- hmm -- 9:15ish?

J.D.: Oh [laughs], this thing?

He jerks the mistletoe off the door frame he's standing under.

J.D.: Who put this up!?

Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just...looking for that -- trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.

J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Things could be worse, I could be with Elliot, doing my mandatory day in the free clinic.

Cut to...

The Free Clinic

Elliot: I understand that you took a cab all the way down here -- that doesn't mean that I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso!

Dr. Kelso: You know, I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money?

Elliot: Uh...I--I don't know, sir. They probably waste it all

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I need to present a patient: Nineteen-year-old complaining of abdominal pain -- turns out she's at least eight months pregnant. I'm just gonna let one of the Family Practice people handle it.

Dr. Kelso: Well, that sounds like a wonderful idea, sweetheart; except I heard your smart-alleck remark a second ago, so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl. It'll be good practice for you, since you'll probably end up in a female specialty, anyway.

Elliot: What do you mean by that? I'm Internal Medicine.

Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you are. But numbers don't lie, and most women end up in ON-GYN, Family Practice, or Pediatrics. It's like a rip-tide, sweetheart -- pulling and pulling, and you can swim against the current all you want; but when Mr. Stork comes a-calling, you're not gonna be thinking, "I'm Internal Medicine" -- nope. It's gonna be, "Ohhhh, look at the baby!"

Elliot: Sir. I have to say, I'm offended!

Dr. Kelso. Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.





Re-open: Hall

Dr. Cox: Newbie, stay! Ohh, what a good boy you are.... Dear God, Judy, how much product do ya use?

J.D.: None! It's like this when I wake up.

Dr. Cox: Yeah. Quick tip, there, sports-star -- when you're defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly.

J.D.: I assume you want something.

Dr. Cox: Easy; nobody likes a cranky punching bag. And yes, it's about a patient -- pretty good friend of mine, actually.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wow. I guess that means he respects me a little.

J.D.: Huh!

They enter the patient's room.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Randy, Jackie, whatta ya say? This is the monkey I got to videotape the birth.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I hate him.

Cut to...

ICU -- Outside a Patient's Room

J.D. is looking through the window at the family crowded around the patient's bed.

J.D.'s Thoughts: ....but not as much as moments like these. There's nothing I can do for that guy, and yet, when I go in there, the whole family's gonna look at me like I got some magical power to fix him.

      • Fantasy Sequence: The '50s

The family is dressed in bobby-soxer get-up. J.D. (in a black leather jacket) enters the room.

He gives the patient a deft whack on the chest, and the boy bolts up in the bed with a smile on his face.

Patient: Hey, everybody!

Bill Haley and the Comets' "Rock Around the Clock" fills the room as everyone joyfully dances.

J.D.: [a'la "The Fonze"] Heyyy.

He snaps his fingers and a nurse runs up to him; he lays a big smooch on her.

J.D.: I'm sorry, but it's been two weeks and your son shows no neurological improvement.

Suddenly, the young man stirs.

Cut to...

Doctors' Lounge

Turk: It was a miracle! First of all, the man was damn-near dead; then he comes out!

J.D.: Oh, you're ridiculous.

Turk: He was damn-near--- J.D., I'm telling you, it was a miracle!

J.D.: It was not a miracle!

Turk: Yes it _was_ a miracle! Dude!

He continues arguing his point, but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: I kind of envy Turk -- to be that sure of something, to have that faith -- of course, that doesn't mean I don't love busting him about it.

J.D.: Okay; so you think _God_ was responsible for his recovery?

Turk: Mm-hmm!

J.D.: That's fine; we all have our beliefs. I, for instance, carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.

Turk: Did you just compare my Lord and Savior to a tiny top-hat?

Carla: He did, I heard him, Baby. Go get him.

J.D.: Oh, excuse me, Nurse Theresa, have _you_ ever read the Bible?

Carla: I started it...but then I skipped to the end and it ruined it for me.

Turk: That's it -- the both of you to the window. Let's go.

Carla: I'm goin'!

Turk: Right now.

Turk: See, when they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. Matthew...2:10.

J.D.: Dude, that's just the big Christmas tree in Miller Park.

Carla: I understand what you're saying, Baby.

Turk: Oh, no, no; please. You can't just jump back on my good side. You see all of this right here? And this? And this? Consider yourself cut off -- full love embargo, Baby.

Carla: [gasps] Baby, that's not gonna last.

Turk: It will last.

Carla: Oh, yeah?

Turk: It's gonna last.

Carla: What if I came up to you all tired, you know, and I just... [she stretches and yawns luxuriously] I had to yawn...?

She finishes her yawn with a sexy little whimper.

Turk: Damn!

He leaves.

Carla: How pathetic is that?

J.D.: Do it again. Please?


The Free Clinic -- Exam Room

Meredith: [pulls a piece of tinsel off her clothing] Oh, this is from last night -- the Christmas tree over at Miller Park? God, I love that tree; it's so beautiful, isn't it? I've been there almost every night this week.

Elliot: Listen, Meredith, you're pregnant -- pretty far along, actually....

Meredith: What? That's not possible. What am I supposed to do?

      • Flashback:

Dr. Kelso: Ohhh, look at the baby!

Elliot: Um, babies aren't really my thing, so, uh...I'm just gonna go get you someone else to talk to.


Randy and Jackie's Room

Dr. Cox: Oh, come on, it's great to see you guys again, really -- all three of ya!

He exits.

Dr. Cox: What is it with friends and the whole wanting to be in your life thing.

J.D.: It's selfish, is what it is.

Jordan: I thought I got Randy and Jackie in the divorce.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything!

J.D.: Banana hammock!

Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

Jordan: Oh, please, you should've seen him when he was a new intern: "I [gasp] don't [gasp] want [gasp] to [gasp] be [gasp] a [gasp] doctor!"

J.D. laughs, and Cox laughs with him -- but the eyes convey that he's not amused.

J.D. straightens up.

J.D.: You know, I think we all know that's just not true.

He flees.

Dr. Cox: I'm assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self respect -- but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks: I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry ya!

He laughs, and she giggles along briefly.

Jordan: Oh, I wouldn't have room for it, anyway, what with your testicles in my trophy case.

Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Who's better? I--you got me by the short hairs.

He walks off.

Jordan: See ya.



J.D.: What do you hate most about the holidays?

Carla: Wrapping presents. You?

J.D.: My family.

Nurse Roberts: I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit around here.

Turk: Come on, guys! All the spirit you need is right here. [he pats his chest] Can I get a Amen-a!

J.D.'s Narration: One thing about Turk: He's always been good at rallying people.

      • Fantasy Sequence: A Southern Revival -- in the Cafeteria

Reverend Turk: Congregation, I said, Can I get a Amen?

Congregation: Amen!

Reverend Turk: 'Tis the season of giving, y'all!

The congregation responds positively.

Reverend Turk: And what better place to give than right here, at Sacred Heart?

The congregation responds even more positively.

Reverend Turk: "Lovest thou Me...then feed my sheep."

The congregation agrees.

Reverend Turk: But right here, at Sacred Heart, we are not only gonna feed His sheep -- but we gonna clothe them.

The congregation gets fired up.

Reverend Turk: And we gonna bathe them!

The congregation is more fired up.

Reverend Turk: And we gonna cut 'em open.... And then we gonna stitch 'em right back together!

The congregation cheers.

Reverend Turk: Because that is what Christmas! is all about-a!

The congregation applauds.

Sister Carla: All right! Preach! Preach!

Reverend Turk: [to the choir] What's the name of the song we singin' today?

Choir: [singing] "Oh, Christ the Lord!"

Reverend Turk: Sing it, choir!

Choir: [singing] "Oh, Christ the Lord!"

The choir and Reverend Turk together repeat the line "Let us adore him" as the congregation leaps to their feet, dancing and clapping, filled with the spirit -- most enthusiastic of them is J.D., who practically vibrates.

At the table, J.D. has his eyes closed and sways as he claps to the music in his head.

He stops when he feels the staring.

Turk: Right, listen: I'm on call tonight but, tomorrow morning when I get home, we're all going to mass before work, okay?

Carla: Okay, Sweetie.

Turk gives her a kiss before leaving.

Cut to...


J.D.'s Thoughts: I don't wanna go to mass in the stupid mor--- Oooh, hey! Candy!

J.D. grabs a candy cane off the nearby tree.

It tumbles to the floor.

J.D.: I was just--I was trying to, uh....

Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do; but you're not going to break my Christmas spirit -- you can't, not ever. I'm the holly, jolly janitor. Hi, little girl, what do you want for Christma--- Oof!

She's socked him in the crotch.


Randy and Jackie's Room

Randy: I know you must be busy; it's really nice of you to offer to do this.

J.D.: Oh, it's no problem.

J.D.'s Narration: Childbirth has been so romanticized.... I guess because if people really knew the truth....

      • Fantasy Sequence: An Old, Black and White Educational Film

Randy and Jackie are there, beaming.

Narrator: Congratulations! You're expecting! Don't worry -- your doctor will tell you everything you need to know.

J.D. steps into camera shot in a lab coat and horn-rim glasses.

Narrator: Hi, Doctor!

J.D.: You'll fart, pee, puke, and poop in front of ten complete strangers who'll be staring intently at your vagina -- which, by the way, has an eighty percent chance of tearing!

Jackie: [to Randy] You do it.

Randy is coaching his wife to breathe as she births their baby.

J.D. is recording the miracle.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, no matter what the realities, the end result is always the same.

The child is delivered.

J.D. holds the camera away momentarily.

J.D.: Oh, look at the baby!

Obstetrician: It's a bouncing baby boy! Yet another soldier in the fight against communism!

J.D. looks at the doctor....the boppy educational film music plays.


The Free Clinic -- Exam Room

Elliot: Where's the girl that was in here?

Orderly: I just make beds.

Elliot: [on the phone] Hello, I just got Meredith Fox's blood-work back and she's got HELLP Syndrome -- she needs to deliver immediately, so let's get her in a room and--- [listens] What do you mean she just left? [listens] Get me any contact numbers.

She hangs up.

Elliot: [to the orderly] Why'd she leave?

Orderly: Again: Bed-maker.


Doctors' Lounge

J.D. and Dr. Cox are watching a tape of Perry playing with his dog.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes so there's no possible way they can be recorded over. So, puh-lease tell me you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.

J.D.: Banana hammock.

Dr. Cox: So, in other words, there is no permanent historical record of the birth of my friends' baby.

J.D.: Well... [stammers] I think that the baby, itself, would serve as proof that it know...born.

Dr. Cox: You don't understand what you've done. My ex-wife is probably gonna hold this over my head for so long that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again. And I like the sun, Newbie; it made me hopeful.

J.D.: Well, I was there; you know, I could certainly jot down some of my feelings and...impressions.

Dr. Cox walks out.

J.D.'s Thoughts: You know, if he was really mad at me, he would've stayed and yelled at me.

      • Fantasy Sequence: The TV flashes on, and Dr. Cox's face fills the screen.

Dr. Cox: Don't kid yourself, Newbie -- I couldn't _be_any madder at you!

J.D. turns off the TV. It flicks back on.

Dr. Cox: Oh! Ah! Do _not_ do that again! That's a bad newbie! Oh, bad! Oh, bad!

J.D. turns off the TV again. It flicks back on.

Dr. Cox: Bad!

J.D. walks away from the TV, aiming the remote at it to try and turn it off for good, but it continues to flick back on with Dr. Cox's scolding.

Dr. Cox: [flick] Ah! [whistles] [click, flick] Oh! [whistles] [click, flick] Oh! [whistles] [click, flick] Oh! Bad newbie!

J.D.'s Thoughts: At least I can go home now.

J.D.'s Narration: You see, maybe it's because Christmas is a hard time for people, maybe it's because too many families get together, but, statistically, Christmas Eve -- it's one of the worst nights of the year to be on-call.

Cut to...

The On-Call Room

Turk hangs up a stocking on the bed and lies down.

As a twisted version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" plays, he is repeatedly called to duty -- looking more haggard on each return than the one before:

"On the first day of Christmas / My true love gave to me A drunk who drove into a tree

"On the second day of Christmas / My true love gave to me / Two shattered skulls / And a drunk who drove into a tree....

"Twelve beaten children ... Eleven drive-by shootings ... Ten frozen homeless ... Nine amputations ... Eight burn victims ... Seven strangled shoppers ... Six random knifings ... Five suicides ... Four beaten wives ... Three O.D.'s ... Two shattered skulls ... And a drunk who drove into a tree"

By the final return, he slumps on the bed looking absolutely crestfallen.

Cut to...

Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Morning

Carla and J.D. are waiting for Turk to arrive home.

J.D.: I can't believe I'm wearing a suit at 6:30 in the morning.

Carla: If you ruin this for Turk, I'll have to hurt you.

J.D.: Noted.

Turk enters.

Carla: Hey! You better hurry up -- mass start s in fifteen minutes.

Turk: I'm not going.

J.D.: Great! Can I go back to bed?

Carla shoots him a look.

J.D.: I'm kidding! Let's do it -- I wanna get me some of them church crackers.

Turk: No, I'm not going -- ever.

He goes into his room.

Carla: Baby? What happened? Turk? Turk, come on.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Merry Christmas.




Re-open: Nurses' Station (?)

J.D.: I think you're over-reacting.

Elliot: A young pregnant girl said, "What am I gonna do," and I said, "Oh, babies aren't my thing"! How could I possibly be too hard on myself?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Just don't say "banana hammock."

J.D.: Look, I'm sure she'll turn up.

Turk: [depressed] Yeah, that's exactly what's gonna happen: She'll definitely turn up, she'll have a healthy baby, and nothing'll ever happen to either one of 'em.

J.D. watches him walk out.

J.D.'s Narration: I never really thought of faith as important; but without his, I don't know, Turk kinda seems like he's fading away.

      • Fantasy Shot: Turk does fade away.

J.D.'s Narration: Me, I could use a little faith. I have to tell the Wheelers I didn't tape a thing.

Cut to...

Randy and Jackie's Room

The couple, Jordan, Dr. Cox, and J.D. are watching the tape of the birth....

Jordan: You made some interesting choices with the camera, Orson -- you didn't want to see any faces?

J.D.: Excuse me?

Dr. Cox: [quietly] I switched the tapes, just go with it.

Randy: Here he comes! I see the head!

Jordan: Oh, what a gorgeous head of hair!

Jackie: That's funny -- he was completely bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.

Dr. Cox: Yeah, well....

J.D.: We shaved the baby.

Jordan: You shaved the baby?

J.D.: Shaved it....

Dr. Cox: Well, it's standard procedure, what with the recent outbreak of pre-natal lice.

J.D.: Yep; definitely. Shave and a hair-cut...two bits.

Jordan: Really?

Fantasy Sequence: A Gift Shop

Jordan is handing a book to the clerk. The title reads "J.D. and Dr. Cox's Baby Shaving Story"

Jordan: Yeah, I'm not buying it.

Jackie: And you two are gonna go by the nursery and see Baby Charlie, right?

Dr. Cox: Absolutely.

Jordan: Yes! Charlie and his new hair-cut!

Dr. Cox

&: Ohh!



Nurses' Station (?)

Elliot: Have we checked all the other hospitals?

Nurse Roberts: They haven't seen her, honey.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid? Isn't this your day off?

Elliot: Actually, it's that pregnant girl I was telling you about.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, right! The one who went missing. And now you're here, voluntarily, hell-bent on finding one of your little lost ducklings.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I think it's important you understand something: I'm not interested in babies -- I don't coo when I'm around them, I don't melt when I see them, I don't have some yearning to make them my life's work -- I'm a doctor who's interested in my patients -- male or female -- and right now one of them needs help.

She rushes out.

Dr. Kelso: [laughing] God! Do I know women.


The Roof

Turk: I don't get it. Why are we on the roof?

Carla: I just wanted to show you that, no matter how ugly things can get down there, there's still a lot of beauty up here.

Turk: Is that gum...or pigeon crap on my sneaker?

Carla: Come on, look around! There's nobody one can see us...we could do whatever we wanted....

Turk: Like what?

Carla: Okay, how are you not getting this?

Turk: Oh, you--you mean, have relations. [laughs] You wanna have relations right here on the roof.

Carla: Mm-huh.

Turk: Baby, there's a lot of pebbles on the ground; it'll make my ass look like a chocolate-chocolate chip.

Carla: I can make you see God again -- or at least call out his name.

Turk: Is this a joke to you!?

Carla: No. I'm--I'm just trying to help you feel better.

Turk: Baby, you don't know how I feel!

Carla: Well, then, tell me!

Turk: I feel abandoned! All my life, I believed that God listens to our prayers, and that He cares for us, and that He watches over us. And last night, there were so many people that needed to be watched over. How am I supposed to believe in someone that is willing to let innocent people suffer? Huh? Answer me. Please!

Carla: I can't.


Nurses' Station(?)

J.D.: Did you go see Baby Charlie yet?

Dr. Cox: Oh, yeah, I was actually just planning on doing that...never.

J.D.: You're such a special friend.

Dr. Cox: Well, gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today! Did Santa finally bring you the Y chromosome you always wanted?

J.D.: What's your problem, anyway?

Dr. Cox: Well, for starters, I hate Christmas.

      • Fantasy Sequence: Dr. Cox as The Grinch

Dr. Cox: I don't like Bambasnoodles; I loathe dinkowallows; I _hate_ stagtomgoppers. I say, do you follow?

Jordan: Do you think I'm a moron?

Dr. Cox: Newbie!! Don't answer that question! It's a trick, that's a trick!

Jordan: Oh, pre-natal lice? You do realize that would be lice _in the womb_!

Dr. Cox: Oh, I've seen 'em; they're real. And they're gross.

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe Dr. Cox has pushed me too far, I don't know; whatever it was, I told on him.

J.D.: Plus, he didn't even go see Baby Charlie yet.

J.D.'s Narration: And then something amazing happened -- they connected. And all the hatred they had for each other was suddenly focused on me!

Jordan: Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything. Your mom's aware that she'll eventually have to stop the breast-feeding, right?

Dr. Cox: Hoo! Good, Jordan, good! Now work the body, work the body! Under the ribs! Under the ribs!

Jordan: I'm not gonna see that baby, either. Are you gonna tattle on me? Are ya? Are ya?

Dr. Cox giddily fakes crying.

Jordan: I'm frightened!

Elliot: J.D., do you have a second?

J.D.: Oh, God, yes.

Jordan: That's right -- run away, Sally.

Elliot: I talked to a 9-1-1 operator who got a call from this young girl who was in labor, but they lost the signal. I don't know what to do.

J.D.'s Narration: One of the worst things about this place is how often you feel like there's no one to turn to.

Cut to...

The Roof

Nina Simone's "Sinnerman" plays as Turk stands alone, meditating.

Glimpsing the Christmas tree in the park, he's filled with a revelation. He races down to street level...and to the the tree, under which is Meredith, all alone and clutching her abdomen. He rushes to her side.

Turk: You're okay, okay? You're gonna be okay.

The song fades.

Cut to...

Outside the Nursery

Jordan and Dr. Cox are looking in the window.

J.D.'s Narration: Babies are amazing. Especially the way they bring people together.

Dr. Cox: So, Baby Charlie is the bald one?

Jordan: Yeah. He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.

Dr. Cox snickers.

Dr. Cox: You're a sexy bitch.

Jordan: Thanks.

They laugh.

Cut to...

Miller Park

J.D.'s Narration: I really think it's impossible to be unaffected.

Turk hands Meredith's baby over to her.

Turk: What up, little dawg!

J.D.'s Narration: Because a baby can stir something deep down inside you you didn't even know was there.

Elliot: Aw! Look at the baby!

J.D.'s Narration: They can help you find something you thought you'd lost.

Carla: How did you know she was here?

Turk: I don't know -- I just knew!

J.D.'s Narration: So, I guess Turk was right after all: Miracles do happen.

      • Fantasy Shot: The group gathered under the tree are pictured as a nativity scene...

Meredith and her baby are Mary and the Christ Child; Turk as Joseph; Elliot and Carla as angels; and dog walkers and their dogs as the shepherds with their sheep.

J.D.'s Narration: I think you just have to be willing to look for them.

The crowd has cleared and Meredith and her baby have been taken for treatment. All that remain are the gang of friends, admiring the tree.

Turk: Merry Christmas, guys.

J.D.: God bless us, every one.

Turk: Dude, you could not be a bigger dork.

Elliot: [laughs] You're so lame.

Carla: That was so cheesy.

J.D.: Really? 'Cause I felt like it was--it was right?

They walk on ahead of him.

J.D.: Hey, wait up!

A rock version of "Deck the Halls" closes the episode.


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