Open: J.D.'s Bedroom -- Early Day
J.D. is in bed, asleep.
J.D.'s Narration: Yesterday seemed like it would be a good day.... Then it happened.
In his sleep, J.D. flinches.
***Flashback: The Cafeteria
All the gang are at a table, celebrating Turk, J.D., and Elliot's transition from interns to residents.
Jordan walks up to them.
Jordan: [chipper] Hey, everyone.
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself, there, Newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time.
Turk hangs his head, knowing he's busted.
Jordan: Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for? was filled months ago!
Dr. Cox looks daggers at Kelso.
Jordan: Which brings us to Twinkie.
Elliot's eyes widen.
Jordan: If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah!
Elliot rolls her eyes back into her head, looking like she'd like to sink into the floor.
Jordan: And finally: Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here....!
The flashback breaks briefly as we see J.D. in bed, experiencing the anguish of his dream.
J.D.: [in his sleep] Noooooooooooooooooo!
***The Dream Resumes...
Jordan: I slept with him...and it was good -- oh! Bye!
She leaves them, all sitting in uncomfortable silence.
*** The scene clouds as the flashback ends.
J.D.'s Narration: Call it wishful thinking, but I couldn't shake this feeling that this was nothing more than a very, very bad dream.
J.D.'s eyes fly open. He looks over and slowly exhales.
Lying in bed next to him, propped up on one elbow, is Turk.
Turk: [smiling] Good morning, Tiger.
J.D. shakes his head in disbelief.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, I've been wrong before.
J.D.: How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?
Turk: Baby, why you have to be so cranky in the morning?
J.D.: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head-to-foot.
Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
J.D.: Yeah, but with the head-to-foot alignment, it's just--there's no way for them to lock in.
He knocks his fists together in demonstration.
Turk: Could you be more homophobic?
J.D.: Ugh. I'm not!
Turk jumps out of bed and pulls back the covers.
J.D. is revealed to have slept in full dress, even with his backpack at his side.
J.D.: Ready to go?
The Living Room
Carla is at the kitchen counter, getting ready to leave.
J.D. walks over to the couch, next to which stands Rowdy.
J.D.: [petting Rowdy] Morning, boy.
Carla: [testy] I can't remember the last time I was in this foul a mood.
She picks up her coat and purse and looks over at J.D., who has propped Rowdy on his leg and is bouncing him up and down, to simulate humping.
J.D.: [half-assed] Rowdy, no.
Carla: Is that supposed to cheer me up? Who would laugh at that?
Turk comes in from the bedroom and sees what J.D. is doing.
Turk: Yeah, Rowdy! Hit that!
He laughs hard.
J.D. grins at the fact that someone is finally appreciating his joke.
Carla: I'm outta here.
She gets up and leaves.
Turk watches after her, disappointed.
Turk and J.D. are walking to work.
On a bench sits a man strumming a guitar.
J.D.: [sighs] I hate it that everything is so messed up between all of us, you know?
Turk: Well, just remember what I said to you this morning in bed.
J.D. stops to clarify to the man on the bench:
J.D.: I had my shoes on, it would have been impossible to lock in.
Again, he demonstrates with his knuckles. The troubadour just nods obligingly and picks up his strumming.
J.D. and Turk continue on a few feet to the coffee stand ahead.
Turk: Everything's gonna be fine. Okay? Just be cool.
J.D.: I'm cool. I'm cool.
As Turk orders a couple of drinks from the coffee vendor, J.D. gets lost in his thoughts....
***Surreal Sequence: The man on the bench launches into Men At Work's "Overkill"
Troubadour: I can't get to sleep / I think about the implications....
J.D. turns around to look at the man, who is singing directly to him.
J.D.'s Thoughts: What?
Troubadour: Of diving in too deep / And possibly the complications / Especially at night....
Turk: [to J.D.] Hey.
Turk brings J.D. back to his senses -- the troubadour doesn't seem to be singing to him, after all.
J.D. takes his coffee, and the two walk on.
The musician stands, though, and strolls along behind them.
Troubadour: I worry over situations / I know will be all right / Perhaps it's just imagination....
J.D. glances back and whimpers worriedly.
The Hospital -- Front Door / Admissions
J.D. and Turk come in.
Troubadour: Day after day it reappears....
When Carla sees Turk, she immediately turns her back and leaves the area.
Turk: Hey, babe, come on, where're you goin'?
He follows after her; and they both pass an orderly pushing a patient in a wheelchair: the troubadour with his guitar.
Troubadour: Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear....
J.D. looks at him, startled.
Dr. Cox is standing at the Station.
Troubadour: Ghosts appear and fade away....
Dr. Kelso approaches to turn a chart over to the desk. When the two men see each other, Dr. Cox awkwardly clears his throat and Dr. Kelso quickly drops the folder and walks back off in the direction from whence he came. Dr. Cox turns in the other direction and walks off with a gimace and a grumble.
J.D. enters the area and sees Dr. Cox headed in his direction.
J.D.: [to self] Oh, God!
He ducks into a nearby supply closet.
Already in there is the troubadour.
Troubadour: Come back another day....
The musician smiles at the nervous J.D. while playing the bridge of the song.
Outside the closet, Dr. Cox stops, scowling as he senses something amiss.
Back inside, J.D. smiles good-naturedly, but rolls his eyes and groans at the situation.
J.D.: [putting finger to lips] Just keep it down.
Not like that's gonna happen, this is the high part!
Troubadour: I can't get to sleep / I think about the implications....
J.D. stands there, suffering the performance.
Suddenly, the closet door flies open. Dr. Cox looks in, first at J.D., then the troubadour. He's confused, to say the least.
Troubadour: Of diving in too deep / And possibly the complications....
With a growl, Cox slams the door shut.
J.D. is standing at the foot of the bed of a patient being worked on by a medical team. He watches as Dr. Cox goes up to Carla at the Nurses' Station.
She ignores him completely and walks away.
Troubadour: Especially at night / I worry over situations that / I know will be all right....
J.D. looks depressed at the sight of his friends at such odds.
First Doctor: Charging!
Second Doctor: Clear!
The patient sits up on the bed -- it's the Troubadour:
Troubadour: It's just overkill.
J.D. rolls his eyes in frustration.
J.D. is leaning his elbows on one of the drawer trays, near the feet of a deceased patient.
Troubadour: Day after day it reappears....
Elliot begins to walk into the room.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot....
Seeing J.D., she turns around and leaves.
J.D. looks back down at the tray... The feet are swaying to the rhythm of the song.
Troubadour: Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear....
The morgue attendant sees this and passes out.
J.D. looks over the body at her, then down at the deceased.
That's right -- it's the troubadour, who looks up into J.D.'s eyes and sings:
Troubadour: Ghosts appear and fade away....
Thoroughly troubled, J.D. pointedly pushes the tray into the drawer.
Troubadour: ...Ghosts appear and fade away.....
The song ends when J.D closes the door, leaning on it with relief.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nightie-night.
***The odd scene ends with a flash.
The Admissions Area
J.D. is leaning on the front desk, lost in thought.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I just wish one of my relationships could be back to normal.
The Janitor comes up to him with a spray bottle in hand, and shoots J.D. in the crotch with a stream of water.
Janitor: Whoa.... Looks like someone switched to big-boy pants a little too soon.
J.D.: Ah, that's--that's very clever...it looks like I wet myself. Do you actually think that that's funny?
The Janitor shoots him in the pants again, and laughs.
Satisfied, he walks off.
J.D. watches after him, then lifts up his shirt and looks down at the front of his pants with a grimace.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Good God, that's cold!
He waddles off.
Reopen: The Hospital -- The Hall
J.D. is walking through toward the Nurses' Station, wearing a blue scrubs top, red scrubs bottom, and a blissful smile.
J.D.'s Narration: Life in a hospital is made up of highs and lows. For instance, my spare pair of scrubs doesn't match, but I put my underwear in the microwave to dry them off, and they feel gooooooooooood.
He arrives at the Station to face Nurse Roberts.
Nurse Roberts: What are you smiling at?
J.D. forces the warm undies grin from his face.
J.D.: Could I have Mr. Buckley's chart, please?
Nurse Roberts: No problem. I keep it right down there, in the 'Get it yourself' file.
She exits, allowing him to come around the counter to get his file. As he comes to the edge of the desk, he can see down the hall Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso approaching. J.D. stands off to the side and tries to look invisible as they pass. He succeeds.
Dr. Cox: You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates.
Dr. Kelso's expression remains blank as he walks toward the nearby elevator.
Dr. Cox sticks with him, telling his story:
Dr. Cox: [continuing] You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end -- gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob -- the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a... disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheless.
Dr. Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz....
Dr. Cox: I...beg your pardon?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
He grins at Dr. Cox as he steps into the elevator.
Cox turns away from the elevator with fury. He turns around and starts back down the hall, storming right towards J.D.
J.D.'s Narration: And just like that, it was my turn to face the music.
J.D.'s eyes widen in terror, but he sticks out his chin, steeling himself.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Steady now.... Be brave.... Don't cry.
Dr. Cox smiles at him as he walks past.
Dr. Cox: [cheerful] Good morning!
J.D.'s Thoughts: What the hell?
J.D. looks after him with a furrowed brow.
A tap on the shoulder by Dr. Kelso alarms him:
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian.
Alarming, indeed. When J.D. turns around to face Dr. Kelso, the two doctors are no longer standing in front of the Nurses' Station, but at the bed of a patient in the ICU.
Dr. Kelso presents a clipboard to J.D.
Dr. Kelso: Here you go, whiz-kid.
J.D.: Ooh! Is that my new nickname? 'Cause, you know, I actually thought people were gonna start calling me that in high school when I was in our production of 'The Wiz'....
Dr. Kelso nods vaguely.
J.D.: Yeah, it was the--sort of the "hip" version of 'The Wizard of Oz'.... Nipsey Russell played the TinMan? [sings:] "Come on and ease on down, ease on down the road!" Remember that? No? Well, anyway, you know, kids can be mean and everyone just started calling me "Dorothy." ...High school was hard....
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm sorry, sport; I was thinking about soup. Now, Mr. Zerbo was initially admitted with a high fever and suspected meningitis; but, both the NCT and the lumbar puncture came back negative.
He hands the clipboard to J.D. and walks out of the cubicle.
J.D. chases after him. They walk down the hall together.
J.D.: Uh...yeah, sir, I have a full patient load; I don't understand that you just drop this guy in my lap and expect me to make him a top priority.
Dr. Kelso: You want me to say "ta da!" so it seems more like a trick? Mr. Zerbo back there is a major hospital benefactor. And, by golly, you know it's a lot harder to write a big, fat check if you're dead.
J.D. flips through the chart:
J.D.: Neurology, rheumatology, hematology.... This guy's been turfed to every service in the hospital, no one knows what's wrong with him, what do you want me to do?
Dr. Kelso: [lost in thought] I hope it's navy bean today.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso....
Dr. Kelso turns around to face him.
Dr. Kelso: Well, gee, sport! I would say you should stop whining, find out what's wrong with him, and treat it; or you can be damn sure I'm going to give you something to whine about.
He turns and leaves.
J.D. calls after him:
J.D.: 'Kay, fine! You know.... After all, I'm--I'm the Whiz Kid!
The Janitor emerges from a nearby room, and soaks the front of J.D.'s scrubs bottoms with the spray bottle -- again.
Janitor: Y'are now.
He laughs and goes about his business.
Several of the nurses, Carla and Laverne included, are at different parts of the Station, working.
Turk and Todd walk in.
Todd: Ladies? Now that The Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder anymore....
He points at the different women, commenting:
Todd: Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No. And...yes if I've been drinking.
He stands there smugly.
Nurse Roberts: Come here, wonderbread.
Todd: What's up, doll?
He leans on the counter a few inches from her.
Nurse Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
Todd: [grinning] I'm changing you to a "yes" because you're feisty!
Turk goes over to face Carla.
Turk: Carla, I'm sorry.
Carla: For him? Not your fault.
Turk: No, I'm talking about us. I'm sorry for what I did wrong.
Carla: Which was?
Turk: [lost] ....You know....?
Carla: See! You don't even realize why I'm upset. That's---
He grins widely at her.
Carla: Why are you smiling?
Turk: [cocky] Because I set yo' ass up!
She walks to another part of the desk, and he follows her, explaining:
Turk: Baby, I shoulda told you how Cox felt about you, and I was wrong for talking behind your back, which is a violation of the trust our relationship is based on. And that is why I'm sorry.
While sitting on the opposite counter, Todd has been listening to this.
Todd: My boy's got mad apologizin' skills!
Todd jumps off the counter and throws his hand in the air next to Turk.
Turk: Todd, not now!
Todd hops back up onto the counter.
Carla: [to Turk] You can't just point out the obvious -- you have to go deeper.
Todd opens his mouth to say something, but...
Carla: And Todd, if you say, "That's what she said," I will brain you.
Todd reluctantly obeys.
Carla takes Turk by the hands and looks into his face.
Carla: Now, come on, Baby; connect with me -- why am I really upset?
He thinks a moment.
Turk: I'm gonna stick with the violation of trust thing -- final answer.
She smiles at him.
She leans over the counter, and he moves in to meet her with a kiss. An inch from his lips, her smile dissolves.
Carla: Yeah, right...
She walks away, leaving Turk with a sour pucker.
Todd: [disappointed] Ohhhhhhhhhhh....
He leaps off the counter and watches after Carla.
Todd: You know, I got half a mind to ask her out.
Turk gives him a dirty look.
Todd: Too soon?
The Locker Area
J.D. is adjusting some green scrubs bottoms which extend about 6 inches over his feet. He stands and gazes up to a very tall, thin man next to him, who is also wearing scrubs.
J.D.: Well, thanks for the loaners, Chet.
Chet: Don't stain 'em.
Chet leaves just as Turk comes in. Not surprisingly, he doesn't look happy.
J.D.'s Narration: Once you're a resident here, you get a decent locker. Still, it's a co-ed room, so if you need to change....
Turk passes J.D. and steps out of camera shot.
In a matter of only a few seconds, time enough for J.D. to fidget a bit with his extra-long pant legs, Turk passes by him again, completely changed into his street clothes.
J.D.'s Narration: ...you do it fast.
J.D. runs after him out of the room.
J.D.: Dude! That was, like, some sort of record, or something!
Outside the door, the two pass a pay phone with its receiver dangling.
A small voice can be heard from the earpiece:
Telephone: Hello!? Hello!?!
Elliot quickly emerges from a door next to it and puts the receiver to her ear.
Elliot: Sorry, mom. [troubled] It's just--it's gotten really awkward with this guy that I was seeing and--- [listens] Yes, mom, 'Yay, I'm straight.' Look, I just, I don't know what to do; I mean, every time I see hm, I get so embarrassed, and...lonely, and...mortified.... And I guess I was just hoping that you could--- [listens] Um.... About a hundred-and-fifteen pounds? [listens] Phen-fen kills people, mom! [listens] B-because I'm a--a doctor, that's...how I know.
Carla has assembled her tray. She walks towards a table, and on her way, passes one where Dr. Cox and Nurse Roberts are sitting to eat their lunch -- which, in Perry's case, is just a cup of coffee.
Dr. Cox: [to Carla] You look pretty today.
Carla: Don't even start with me.
Dr. Cox: You look horrible?
She stops and looks at him.
Carla: I look fantastic! And what you're doing, that's starting. I'm pretty sure I said not to start. Laverne?
Nurse Roberts: That's what she said.
She turns on her heel and walks on.
Dr. Cox turns to Nurse Roberts.
Dr. Cox: It's "don't start" in Spanish.
Nurse Roberts: Bueno.
Dr. Cox looks unappreciative of her comment as he takes a sip from his mug.
J.D. enters the Cafeteria with a chart in hand.
J.D.'s Narration: I had planned to avoid Dr. Cox all day; but, unfortunately, I needed his help.
He cautiously approaches the table, from Nurse Roberts' side.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I have this, uh, patient, Mr. Zerbo, I can't quite---
Dr. Cox whistles and holds out his hand.
J.D. passes the chart to him, and eyes him nervously.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Who knows.... Maybe he just decided to let the whole ex-wife thing go.
Dr. Cox: [reading] Auto-immune _______?
J.D.: All negative.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Then again, maybe he's just letting me stew for a while.
Dr. Cox: Bone-marrow biopsy?
J.D.'s Thoughts: What kind of man tortures people like this!?!
Dr. Cox flaps the clipboard shut and hands it back to J.D.
Dr. Cox: Afraid you got yourself a toughie.
Finished with her lunch, Nurse Roberts stands from the table to leave.
J.D.: Okay, fine: I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
Everyone in the Cafeteria freezes in their tracks and whips around to stare at J.D.
Even traffic on the street has halted in shock.
Nurse Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
She slowly lowers back to her chair.
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] It was an accident.
Dr. Cox: [smiles] Look.... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her...and then out of her...and then into her...again. [that thought grips him, but he shakes it off] And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this; I don't want to know where you did it; I don't even want to know...how it was.
J.D.: A little scary--- [laughing uncomfortably] Sorry! Jitters!
A look of discomfort and bitterness gathers on Dr. Cox's face
J.D.'s Thoughts: And here come the fireworks....
Dr. Cox: Lookit: [his expression softens] I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
He calmly stands and leaves. J.D. watches him, momentarily confused, but then brightens.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Cool!
Nurse Roberts: Damn.
Still carrying his chart, J.D. walks in.
J.D.'s Narration: Hospitals aren't as big as you think. Eventually, you run into everyone.
J.D. plunks himself down in one of the chairs at the empty table. He props his chart open with a sigh.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot.
Elliot pops out from under the table.
Elliot: I'm not--I'm not hiding! Um...I just--I w--I was just looking for my, um...you know the....
J.D. looks at her questioningly.
Elliot: [with despair] I was...looking for my dignity.
J.D.: Did you find it?
She pulls her chair up to the table and sits in it, dropping her head to her hands.
Elliot: [pitifully] I must have left it at college.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, for God's sakes, would you throw her a rope?
J.D. pulls his chair closer to hers and pushes his chart under her nose.
J.D.: I have no idea how to treat this patient. Help me out.
With a new sense of purpose, she flips through the forms as J.D . watches on.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Now, she's in a really awkward place; so just be sensitive.
J.D.: I think we should sex each other.
Elliot: I'm sorry?
J.D.: Just hear me out: Our relationship ended so quickly, maybe too quickly, you know? And, now there's like these--these feelings floating around, and I feel like we're always gonna regret it if we don't...see if they lead somewhere.
She looks at him with a raised brow.
J.D.: What do you think?
J.D.'s Bedroom -- Moderate light shines through the window
Various articles of clothing are strewn across the floor.
J.D. is lying in bed, at least half naked, with a goofy smile on his face.
J.D.: I can't believe how weird it feels to be back here again.
Lying next to him, more clothed, is Turk, who also lies staring at the ceiling.
Turk: Yeah.... But it seems so right.
J.D.: If Carla's so mad, I don't understand why she doesn't just crash at her own place.
Turk: Oh, she is back at her place.
J.D. looks over at him.
J.D.: What are you talking about, Willis?
Turk: [laughs] That's pretty funny!
Turk: We should make that one of our things.
J.D.: Yeah, I know.
Carla, still in her pajamas, briefly opens the door to J.D.'s room.
Carla: That's stupid.
She slams the door shut again.
Turk: I think I'd really panic if she went back to her place.
He turns to face J.D.
Turk: J.D., this sucks.
J.D. also turns over to face Turk, with a thoughtful look on his face.
J.D.: Yeah. You know what's weird, though? It's like, Dr. Cox and I are pretty vegan-kosher.
Turk: He hasn't yelled at you?
Turk: This is the guy that screamed on you for like twenty minutes for dropping a thermometer? And he hasn't raised his voice once about you bumping uglies with his ex-wife?
Turk nestles against his pillow with a far away expression.
Turk: I don't get that guy.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized something....
The Hospital -- The Admissions Area -- Day
Dr. Cox is going over some paperwork at the front desk.
J.D. enters and comes up to the desk next to Cox.
Dr. Cox: Hey, where you been? I paged you twice.
J.D. watches Dr. Cox, who is mostly focused on his paperwork.
J.D.: Uh...I must have misplaced my pager.
J.D.'s Narration: The reason Dr. Cox wasn't yelling at me like he used to...
Dr. Cox: [distant] Huh. Probably ought to try and find that.
Dr. Cox gathers up his paperwork and walks off.
J.D.'s Narration: ...he didn't care about me anymore.
Disappointed, J.D. holds up his pager and attaches it to his waist.
With his scrubs top raised, he's left himself vulnerable -- a stream of water hits him in the crotch. The Janitor stands before him with the spray bottle.
Janitor: Yep, that's a leaky o-ring. I can fix her...but...I don't got the parts in stock. [to no one in particular:] We need an o-ring down here!
He laughs heartily as he leaves the angry J.D.'s presence.
Janitor: That's entertainment! [passes an attractive female staffer] Whoa.
Re-open: The Men's Room
J.D. has one of the trash cans on its side, and is standing on it to get his crotch level with the air spout of the electric hand dryer. He's got his eyes closed as he dries.
J.D.'s Narration: Standing there, I couldn't help thinking about the way things used to be....
***Flashback/Fantasy Sequence: The Doctors' Lounge
J.D. stands before an irate Dr. Cox, who is giving him a classic verbal beating...and a shower -- as he yells, a fine mist of saliva sprays from his lips.
Dr. Cox: [yelling] Don't forget, Felicia, if you...
The scene (and Dr. Cox's words) slows down, over which the Love Theme from Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo and Juliet' Fantasy Overture plays to depict the absolute rapture J.D. finds in the yelling, the shower -- the bliss of how things used to be.
J.D. stands at the dryer, lost in his thoughts, a disturbing look of ecstasy on his face.
In this state, he's failed to notice Dr. Kelso enter the room, who now stands beside him at one of the sinks.
Dr. Kelso: Son, you know you really ought to buy that thing dinner first.
J.D.'s eyes fly open.
He pushes himself away from the dryer, and loses his balance on the trash can.
With an "ooog!" he tries to catch himself, but fails...and falls. He lands out of view with an "Ouch."
The Nurses' Station
J.D. is leaned on the counter, deep in thought.
***Surreal Scene: Haunting music plays as everyone moves in slow motion.
J.D.'s Narration: And it wasn't just me and Dr. Cox who weren't getting along....
Dr. Kelso floats by behind him.
Going in another direction, Dr. Cox drifts past.
J.D.'s Narration: Everyone was just drifting through the halls.
Elliot drifts by.
J.D.'s Narration: Each one of us acting like the others didn't exist.
Turk and Carla drift past each other, totally ignoring one another.
J.D. stands up straight.
J.D.'s Narration: That's when I decided to get proactive. And I knew just where to start.
The Locker Area
J.D. enters and sees Elliot with her back turned as she dresses (she's only at pants and a bra at this point). He gets distracted, though:
J.D.'s Thoughts: What the bejeezus?
He turns to the mirror which Todd (in only a towel around his waist) is standing in front of, flexing his pecs.
Todd: [to his pecs, in the mirror] Hello, boys.
J.D.: What the hell are you doing?
Todd: This is how The Todd gets his self-esteem on.
J.D.: Do these help?
He makes a fart noise with his mouth as he grabs Todd's love-handles and shakes them.
J.D. turns away.
Todd: [to reflection] You look totally hot, Mirror Todd.
He flexes all of his muscles -- even his neck -- with a body builder pose. He winks at himself.
J.D.: [to Elliot] Hey.
She turns around briefly to look at him.
J.D.: You know, Elliot, I think we should talk about the sexual tension---
She spins around to face him.
Elliot: There is no sexual tension, okay!
He looks her hard in the face.
Elliot: Just...go ahead and look before your neck snaps.
He drops his gaze to her breasts for a few seconds, then meets her eyes again.
J.D.: [complimentary] Awesome!
With a little sigh, she slips her shirt on and does up the snaps while she speaks:
Elliot: J.D., the problem is this place. I mean, when we broke up, I had to see you the next day...and the next day. And we never...got any distance from the relationship. I never got...to move on, you know?
J.D.: And the--and the sexual tension.
Elliot: Oh, my God! You have no idea what you sound like, do you?
He has no answer for her.
With a shake of her head, she grabs her things and leaves.
Todd turns from the mirror to J.D.
Todd: J.D.! J.D.! Check it!
He pulls his towel open to reveal a wildly patterned -- and disturbingly revealing -- speedo.
He whips at J.D. with his towel:
Todd: [whip] Yah! [whip] Yah! [whip] Yah!
J.D. is unamused. He walks away.
Todd: You don't wanna play?
J.D. is walking through.
He sees the Janitor (armed with a spray bottle) up ahead. When he passes, the Janitor aims the bottle, but J.D. spins around so his crotch is protected.
J.D.: Ha! Too slow! What now, Mr. Smart Guy?
Making a squeaking noise, J.D. waves his posterior at the Janitor.
So, the Janitor sprays him there, instead.
J.D. whips around to face him.
J.D.: That is so not funny.
Dr. Kelso notices this on his way through.
Dr. Kelso: [laughs] Wet butt!
He continues on.
Janitor: It gets better!
J.D.: [horrified] Is it starting to burn?!
Janitor: [reading the label on the sprayer] I would think so.
J.D. runs off.
Janitor: [calling after him] Hey, uh, don't touch your eyes!
As a staffer passes, the Janitor pushes the sprayer into his possession, and wipes his hands off on the guy's scrubs.
J.D. stands at one of the tables where Turk and Carla are sitting, facing each other but looking down at their hands.
Dr. Cox stands on the other side of the table.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay: Right back on the horse.
J.D.: First off, I'd like to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
Carla: Bambi, you paged us here.
J.D.: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
Dr. Cox: No, I'm not.
J.D.: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
Carla: No, he's not.
Dr. Cox: [taking the chair next to Turk] Actually, I am.
Carla: You're starting again.
J.D.: [taking the chair next to Carla] And Carla, you're mad that Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
Turk: See? Trust, woman, trust!
J.D.: Whatever. The point is that Turk is sorry.
Turk: Not anymore!
Carla: [to Turk, referencing Dr. Cox:] I can't believe you thought he was a threat.
Dr. Cox: I'm a threat!
Carla: You're not in love with me, you idealize me.
J.D.: Can we just try and stay focused---
Turk: [to Carla] You're mad 'cause I'm scared of losing you?
Carla: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
Dr. Cox: Apparently not!
Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
J.D.: If we could just refrain from name calling---
Dr. Cox: Oprah's right!
Turk: [to Cox] Lay off of him.
Carla: [to Cox] You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex.
Dr. Cox: Okay, [pounds the table] that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn-sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now and [he grabs the napkin dispenser and slams it back down, jolting the others] I MEAN NOW!
Carla gives him a look, then both she and Cox angrily stand from the table and exit in separate directions.
J.D.: Aren't you glad we did this?
Turk: I'm going out for Mexican food tonight. And I'll see you in bed, my friend.
J.D. would probably take the time to be disappointed with how this little convo went, but his beeper prevents that.
He looks at the display.
J.D.: Oh, my God -- rounds!
He leaps from the table.
Cut to: The Hall
J.D. races through, dodging various staffers.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Rounds started five minutes ago, and I totally forgot about Mr. Zerbo! Oh, my God...Oh, my God...Oh, my God---
Nurse Roberts emerges from a room right in front of J.D. He collides with her, and they both fall to the ground. J.D. lands on top of the woman, with his face pressed to her bosom.
Nurse Roberts: Are you plannin' on makin' this worth my while?
J.D. struggles to his feet.
He takes off running again.
He rushes into Mr. Zerbo's room, where Dr. Kelso and a group of young doctors are gathered.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian? How 'bout you step up to the mic and tell the entire gang how you ended up treating Mr. Zerbo.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Think, Whiz Kid, think!
He tries to come up with an excuse, but....
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ah, the hell with it.
J.D.: Sir, I did nothing.
Everyone in the room stares at J.D. with disbelief
Fantasy Shot: Everyone in the ICU have halted their business to stare at J.D.
Even the traffic on the street is again stopped in shock.
An old man in a convertible questions a young dude, who stands holding his skateboard:
Old Guy: Is this because of the same kid as before?
Dr. Kelso: [angry] You did...nothing?
J.D.: [open] Nothing at all.
Dr. Kelso looks down at the chart, reading intently. A look of surprise collects on his face. He looks up to J.D. with a smile.
Dr. Kelso: Great job, sport!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Huh?
Dr. Kelso speaks to the other doctors:
Dr. Kelso: Whenever a patient gets bounced from ward to ward, there's always a chance a high fever could be sustained -- or even caused -- by a constant stream of different antibiotics. It's call drug fever. And it's a good catch by Dr. Dorian.
J.D. smiles, almost uncomfortably, at the sheer luck of it all.
Dr. Kelso: Next patient! Mush, people.
They stand, unmoving.
Dr. Kelso: Mush! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!!!!
Driven in such a way, the group shuffles out of Mr. Zerbo's room.
J.D. furrows his brow.
Mr. Zerbo: Thank you, doctor.
J.D.: [with a weak smile] Oh, no problem.
J.D.'s Narration: It's funny.... I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves.
J.D. leaves the room, his expression filled with concentration on this epiphany.
Cut to: The Hall
Jordan is walking through.
She passes Perry....
Dr. Cox: [to Jordan] Hey.
....and keeps on walking.
Defeated, he rests his head on the counter of the Nurses' Station.
Carla approaches him with sympathy.
Cut to: The Cafeteria
J.D. is sitting at a table with a tray of his lunch.
Elliot joins him with a bit of trepidation. After an awkward moment, she reaches for a french fry on his plate, and he playfully slaps her hand. They both laugh.
Cut to: J.D.'s Room -- Evening
Like teenaged girls at a slumber party, J.D. and Turk are stretched across the bed with their feet in the air and their chins in their hands, having a gab-fest.
The door swings open, and Carla, in her pajamas, beckons Turk to her.
Turk slaps J.D. on the back and leaps from the bed to join her. He teases J.D. with a puppy-dog frown as he closes the door.
J.D.'s okay... he has his pillow.
Cut to: Outside The Hospital -- The Wheelchair Ramp -- Day
J.D. is sitting on the railing.
***Surreal Scene: Standing next to J.D. is the troubadour with his guitar.
Troubadour: [singing] ...Day after day it reappears / Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear....
Dr. Cox comes out and looks at J.D., who looks at him nervously.
Dr. Cox then looks over at the troubadour.
Troubadour: Ghosts appear and fade away / Come back another day---
Dr. Cox listens for a moment, then grabs the guitar from the man, smashing it against the side of the building, and the railing for good measure.
He hands the ruined instrument back to the musician.
Dr. Cox: That'll do it.
Troubadour: I have other songs.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, ya do.
Dr. Cox's whistle brings J.D. back to reality. He hops off the railing.
Dr. Cox tosses a pager from one hand to another as he gets up in J.D.'s face:
Dr. Cox: Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? 'Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway -- long story, short: The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea; because, you see, I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch, sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds. And if you don't answer every damn last one of 'em, I'm gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off. [grins maniacally] Big fun, right?
He holds out the pager.
Dr. Cox: You're gonna need this.
When J.D. reaches to take it, Dr. Cox jerks it away.
Dr. Cox: Oh!
Dr. Cox holds it out again. J.D. reaches, and it's jerked away.
Dr. Cox: Oh!
He continues this little game with J.D.:
Dr. Cox: Let it come. Let it--Oh! Let it come!
After a moment of this, Dr. Cox jerks it away for the last time and laughs mockingly as he pitches the pager out into the parking lot.
J.D. doesn't look thrilled with this abuse.... But since it is abuse from Dr. Cox, he smiles.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ahhh. It's good to be home....
From the parking lot, the beeper goes off with a damaged tone. J.D.'s smile withers.
J.D.'s Thoughts: ...Sort of.