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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Old Man".

ActEdit

Open: Hospital - Admissions Area - Day

J.D. is watching Turk and Elliot, whose faces are fallen. Carla is with them.

J.D.'s Narration: So, here’s the deal: A month ago, Turk and Elliot wrote a paper on peripheral vascular disease. And now they’re upset because they have to present it at a big medical conference.

J.D.: Do you know how many interns would die to do something like that? Not me, ‘cause I don’t really care about that stuff. Besides, I know in my heart my paper was, like, a trillion times better. And anyway, it’s so political -- I mean, surprise, surprise, they went with the black guy and the girl!

Carla: Bambi.

J.D.: What!?

Carla: Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

J.D.: Come on, what right do they have to be so damn mopey?

J.D.'s Narration: And that’s when Elliot said something that explained everything.

Elliot: Our parents are coming.

J.D.: Oh, I am so sorry.

He gives them a comforting hug.


J.D.'s Narration: I could tell my friends were pretty upset. Still, there was a bright side....

J.D.: It’s all right.

Cut to...

Turk and J.D.’s Apartment

Turk is vacuuming while J.D. sits on the couch eating a snack.

J.D.'s Narration: ...I knew I could make it worse.


J.D.: You missed a spot!

Turk: You know, you can help. You can't even hear the television!

J.D.: I like the pictures.

(Turk vacuums Rowdy.)

J.D. Narration: If I believed in karma, I might be a little more cautious about giving these guys a hard time...


(J.D. sits at the counter talking on the phone.)

J.D.: Hey, Dad. No, no, nothing. Turk and Elliot are freaking out because their parents are coming to visit.

J.D. Narration: But karma doesn't scare me!

J.D.: No, no, no, no, it hasn't been that long since you and I saw each other.


(The doorbell chimes as J.D. opens the door to reveal his father who is carrying a couple of suitcases.)

J.D.: Dad...

Turk: Hey, Mr. Dorian!

Mr. Dorian: Hey, boys. What's shakin'? Who needs a beer?

Turk: Who doesn't?

(Mr. Dorian moves to the fridge and helps himself. Turk goes over to J.D. and shows him his open palm.)

Turk: See, J.D., this is what goes around. And this? (shows other hand) Is what comes around.

Mr. Dorian: Only two left!

(J.D. reaches for one but Mr. Dorian gives it to Chris.)

Turk: That's okay. J.D.'ll go out.

Mr. Dorian: Oh, get some chips!

(Credits.)

(Later, J.D. is sitting in the chair and Chris is on the sofa drinking his beer. Mr. Dorian comes in and bends over, checking out Rowdy.)

Mr. Dorian: Wowzer! Rowdy's a boy dog.

(He pets him and sits down. Mr. Dorian pops his beer in the dog's mouth and gets the cap off.)

J.D. Narration: My mom and dad got divorced when I was seven. I know that's not so unusual but even though everyone's relationship with their father seems different, mine always seemed *very* different.

(The boys watch the TV where a couple of women are jogging.)

Mr. Dorian: God, I'd like to take a run at her. Would you take a look at her rack?

J.D.: Dad, please!

Mr. Dorian: I'm sorry, Johnny. I'm just a man. And you know what they say about men.

Turk: They love the boobies.

Mr. Dorian: That is correct, Christopher.

(They take a drink.)

J.D.: Okay, you know, I think I'm going to hit the sack before I get even more uncomfortable.

Mr. Dorian: You know, your mother had a beautiful bosom.

J.D.: There it is!

(He gets up.)

Mr. Dorian: Sit, would you? Stay. We've got a lot of catching up to do. Please. Do you guys have a policy on farting?

Turk: No, let 'er rip.

Mr. Dorian: Fire in the hole!

(He farts.)

J.D.: Oh, my God! Dad!

Turk: Count it!

(Turk clinks his bottle with Mr. Dorian.)

J.D.: That was a nice moment.


(Hospital. J.D. walks in to see Elliot give a tour of the hospital with her two elegant parents.)

J.D. Narration: I guess everyone's parents drive them crazy.

Elliot: So, this is my hospital.

Dr. Reid: It's... stunning.

Mrs. Reid: Honey, is there a rule against looking pretty here?

Elliot: Uh, nothing official.

(J.D. looks over at Turk and his mom.)

Ms. Turk: I just think you would look so much more handsome in blue scrubs.

Turk: Thank you, Mommy, but I really like my green scrubs better.

Ms. Turk: Mmm-hmmm.

J.D. Narration: Parents have a way of making their children regress.

(An eight year old Turk stands in his now oversized green scrubs.)

Young Turk: I don't wanna wear blue scrubs!

Ms. Turk: C'mon, boy, you better watch your manners! Come on now!

(An eight year old Elliot, in her scrubs, is on the floor kicking and punching the ground.)

Young Elliot: Wahhhhhh!

Mrs. Reid: No, you can't have one, sweetheart! Perms are for trailer trash!

(J.D. snaps out of it when Dr. Cox enters.)

Dr. Cox: What in the hell is this? Parents weekend?

J.D.: Well, sort of. Elliot and Turk wrote this paper and then my dad decided "I want to come, too!"--

Dr. Cox: Look, Reba, if I ask you a question that doesn't specifically deal with a medical issue, you can bet your powdered bottom that I don't want you to answer. Do you understand?

J.D.: Yeah...

Dr. Cox: It's like... working with a monkey!

(He walks away. J.D. makes a monkey face.)

J.D.: Ooo! Ooo!

Dr. Cox: (o.s.) What?

J.D.: Nothing.


(Turk, wearing blue scrubs, talks to Carla at the nurse's station.)

Carla: Why didn't you introduce me to your mother this morning?

Turk: Because she just came by to say hey before she checked into her hotel. Besides, she's coming back later on to look around.

Carla: Okay. I was worried that you thought she might not like me.

Turk: She's not going to like you. Baby, look, my mother's never actually called any girl I've been with by her actual name. Hell, she called my college girlfriend "The Big Easy".

Carla: Well, was she fat and slutty?

Turk: She had beautiful skin. Don't smile, woman. She did. Just beautiful.


(Elliot and her parents walk through the hospital.)

Elliot: So, what do you guys think?

Mrs. Reid: Well, I think it's time to get back to the suite and get me into a bath. This place makes me feel dirty.

(Dr. Kelso walks by.)

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, Dr. Kelso! Uh, these are my parents.

Dr. Kelso: Ah, well, it's always a pleasure to meet the trees from which our little acorns fall. Bob Kelso.

Dr. Reid: Simon Reid. I'm Chief of Medicine at St. Augustine's. It's a private hospital in Greenwhich.

Mrs. Reid: I know what you're thinking. You didn't ask. Nobody ever does.

Elliot: So, uh, how long are you guys staying?


(J.D. sees an older man looking at the signs in the hospital for each ward.)

J.D.: Can I help you, sir? Sir?

Man: You can help me by minding your own damn business!

J.D.: Excuse me?

Man: Oh, aggressive, huh? Do you really want to get it on with me, Pipsqueak? Because if you do, I guarantee it'll be the last stupid thing you ever do on God's green earth.

J.D.: Nice meeting you.

J.D. Thoughts: What the hell was that about?

(J.D. runs away when the elevator dings and the Janitor walks out.)

Janitor: Dad! Don't wander off like that.


(Patient room. Cox leans over the patient in bed.)

Dr. Cox: This is your basic arthrocentesis, there, Newbie. Your resident should've showed you how to do this a long time ago.

J.D.'s Thoughts: He can't be that mad. We both know that even though residents are supposed to teach you, they really only show up when they want something.

(The resident pops up beside him.)

Dr. Steadman: Hey, I have to give the med students a lecture on heart murmurs tomorrow. Could you cover for me?

J.D.: Actually, I--

Dr. Steadman: Thanks, man.

(Poof, he disappears in a puff of smoke. J.D. coughs and waves the smoke away.)

J.D.: That sucks. I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.

Dr. Cox: Then take him?

J.D.: What do you mean?

Dr. Cox: Uh, I don't know, secure a vehicle of some kind -- car, balloon, tricycle -- and transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.

J.D.: I don't--I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.

Dr. Cox: Ohhh-kay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you and gave you the impression that I actually care which is just so wrong! God!

J.D.: The thing is, I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.

Dr. Cox: Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone, or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you could carry around the hospital and just cry your sad eyes out into whenever drama occures.

(He walks out. J.D. looks at the patient.)

J.D.: I have testicles.

(The patient nods.)

J.D.: He's--he's a kidder! Heh.


(In the hospital lobby, Turk, who is still wearing his blue scrubs, gives some instructions to Carla as his mother walks in.)

Turk: All right, this is it. You just brace yourself and let me handle this all nice and smooth like. All right? Hey, Mom! Guess what?

Carla: Hi, Mrs. Turk. I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I'm Carla, and I apologize if your son hasn't told you about me yet. Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him as long as you did. Still, you should know he loves me very much, I feel the same way, and we're really, really good together.

Mrs. Turk: Are you two sharing a bed?

Turk: Noooo!

Carla: Yes, ma'am, we are, but if you're a good judge of character, I think you can tell, I'm not messing around.

Mrs. Turk: Carla. That's a nice name.

Carla: Thank you.

Turk: Listen, it is, Mother-- Mrs. Turk: Oh, please! Not telling me about her. (to Carla) Dear, do me a favor. Don't give him any for a month or so.

Carla: Done!

Turk: No, it can't go down like that! It just can't go down like that!


(Dr. Kelso escorts Dr. Reid into rounds.)

Dr. Kelso: After you, sir.

Dr. Reid: Well, I'll be. I haven't seen a ward like this since Vietnam.

Dr. Kelso: So where in Connecticut was your National Guard unit stationed?

Dr. Reid: Amusing.

Dr. Kelso: I thought so.

Elliot: I think they're totally getting along, don't you?

(J.D. looks intently.)

(Fantasy sequence -- Dr. Kelso and Dr. Reid are wearing boxing outfits and boxing gloves, circling each other.)

Dr. Reid: I'm about to open a big fat can of whoop ass on you!

Dr. Kelso: Bring it on, bitch!

(Ding! Fantasy over, Dr. Kelso comes over to them.)

Dr. Kelso: All right, sports fans! We have a guest today at rounds so let's try and be sharp. Why don't we begin with, uh... I don't know... Dr. Reid! What is the nutritional cause of high output cardiac failure?

Elliot: Wet beriberi from thiamine deficiency?

Dr. Kelso: (disappointed) Yes, it is. Next question. Why don't we try, um... Dr. Reid!

Elliot: Um, I already went, sir.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, are you done for the day?

Elliot: No.

Dr. Kelso: What is the mechanism of cheyne-stokes respiration in systolic dysfunction?

J.D.'s Thoughts: What? Nobody knows that.

Elliot: Prolongation of circulation time from the lung to the brain, causing diminished sensitivity of the respiratorcenter to arterial partial pressure of carbon dioxide?

Dr. Kelso: (disappointed) Yes.

(Elliot looks over at her father. He winks at her.)


(Elliot and J.D. walk down the hall together.)

Elliot: (laughs) Can you believe my dad winked at me?

J.D.: If that's not saying, "I love you and I'm proud of you," I'm not really sure what is.

Elliot: I know! Lemme tell ya, there are no gratuitous winks in the Reid household. It's like...

(She keeps walking and babbling. J.D. stops at a payphone and picks up the phone.)

J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I decided to take a chance.

(Cut to Mr. Dorian sitting on J.D.'s couch, talking on the phone.)

Mr. Dorian: Are you kidding? I'd love to come to your heart murmur lecture! I'm a big fan of those things!

(Back to J.D. in the hallway.)

J.D.: That means a lot, Dad.

Mr. Dorian: Yeah, absolutely.

(Dr. Cox passes by J.D. He gives Dr. Cox a big thumbs up.)

Dr. Cox: Oh, dear Lord, please make it stop.


(Doctor's lounge. Ms. Turk and Carla sit on the couch together, chatting. J.D. and Turk stand to the side.)

Carla: It's absolutely stunning.

Ms. Turk: Thank you. And I understand you make them.

Carla: Yes, I make them. I'd be happy to make...

Turk: Look at them. Like two wolves gabbing about which sheep to eat. Unfortunately for them, I'm a man.

Carla: Turk!

Turk: Coming!

(He gives them the two coffees he was holding.)

Carla: Thank you.

J.D.: Hi, Ms. Turk.

Ms. Turk: John Dorian, get over here.

J.D.: Well, uhh, umm...

(He awkwardly stands across the way next to Turk.)

Ms. Turk: After all these years, are you still afraid of me?

J.D.: Well, remember on Thanksgiving when I said your turkey was dry and you picked me up and shook me?

Ms. Turk: Well, then, don't say that.

Carla: Silly Bambi.

Turk: Okay, you guys, leave him alone. And I've had enough of you two conspiring and whatnot. It ends now!

Ms. Turk: (giggles) It is so cute when he thinks he's in charge.

Carla: I know! It kills me!

J.D. Narration: And that's when it happened.

Carla: You should see him prance around when I pretend to let him--

Both: Make a decision!

(They both cackle with laughter, throwing their head back and raising one hand in the air. Freeze frame.)

J.D. Narration: That's when Carla realized she was exactly like Turk's mom.

(Carla looks horrified as she puts her hand back down.)


(Elliot is walking down the hall and goes past the nurse's station, where Dr. Kelso writes in a chart.)

Dr. Kelso: Great job at rounds today, Dr. Reid.

Elliot: Thank you, sir!

Dr. Kelso: Your dad must have been very impressed.

Elliot: I think so. I could tell that he really respected you, sir.

Dr. Kelso: Well, that's very nice, but lucky for me, my self-esteem isn't tied up in that kind of poppycock. You see, I didn't become a doctor to impress my daddy, or anyone else. I did it for me. I've seen lots of doctors who got into this for the wrong reasons. You know what happens to them?

Elliot: No...

Dr. Kelso: They quit and get their real estate license. You look upset, sweetheart. You shouldn't be. I think you'd look super in a gold blazer.

Elliot: Thank you?

(He walks away, smiling.)

Dr. Kelso: This is almost too easy.


(In the cafeteria, Mr. Dorian finishes his plate of Jell-o, sitting across from J.D.)

Mr. Dorian: Work is great, Johnny. I like to believe that I'm selling dreams.

J.D.: But Dad, you sell office supplies.

Mr. Dorian: Yeah, I prefer to call them dreams. I'm gonna-I'm gonna steal another Jell-o.

(He gets up and leaves.)

J.D. Narration: I always thought parents were like tornadoes.

(Carla and Turk sit at a nearby table, Carla looking upset.)

J.D. Narration: They blow into town and devastate everything in their path.

(A numb Elliot sits down next to J.D. and puts her tray down on the table.)

Elliot: Hi...

J.D.: There's no food on your tray.

Elliot: Oh.

J.D. Narration: But it's different for me.

(Mr. Dorian sits down and slips a chunk of Jell-o he stole with his bare hand onto his plate.)

Mr. Dorian: How you doin', Elliot?

(She stares straight ahead, tears in her eyes.)

Mr. Dorian: Great talk. Uh, anyway, Johnny, I was talking to my buddy Jake this afternoon. You remember my buddy Jake?

J.D.: No.

Mr. Dorian: Well, anwyay, Jake's my buddy and he's leaving the country for who knows how long so I thought I might get out of here tomorrow afternoon and go catch up with him which would mean I'd miss your thing but I wouldn't know what I was hearing anyway. (laughs) Right?

J.D.: (laughs) Right!

J.D. Narration: I think what surprised me the most was that I was actually surprised.

Mr. Dorian: You still talking to yourself? I thought you'd outgrow that by now.

(Commercials.)

(In the morning, J.D. comes out of his room and sees his dad on the couch snoring loudly. He tiptoes over and gets his bag.)

J.D. Narration: I probably should have woken him up to say good-bye, considering he'd be gone before I got home. I told myself I wanted to let the old guy get some sleep but even I didn't believe that.


(Elliot and her mom have coffee at an outdoor cafe. Elliot chews her nails nervously.)

Mrs. Reid: Honey, you keep eating that, there won't be anything left for a man to put a ring on.

Elliot: Mom, I started therapy.

Mrs. Reid: Did you know that Amy Swanson married Drew Gertson? Drew is such a nice boy.

Elliot: Drew used to hold people down and spit into their mouths.

Mrs. Reid: He doesn't do that anymore.

Elliot: Mom, when I was a little girl, did I used to want to be a doctor? Maybe I used a toy stethoscope on one of my dolls?

Mrs. Reid: Oh, honey. You'd have to ask the nanny.

Elliot: Have you ever reached a point in your life when you just really wished you knew how you got there?

Mrs. Reid: Are you trying to tell me you're a lesbian?

Elliot: (gives up) Yes, I am. Yup. Exactly. Exactly what I'm saying, Mom.


(J.D. walks up to Turk and Carla in the hospital.)

Turk: Yo, J.D., you wanna grab a bite with us tonight after Elliot and I do our presentation?

J.D.: Yeah, I'm not that busy.

(Dr. Steadman pops up beside him.)

Dr. Steadman: Well, if you're not that busy, then you have time to do this discharge summary for me.

J.D.: I meant that later I'm not that busy--

Dr. Steadman: Fantastic!

(He disappears.)

J.D.: Arrrrgh!

(He leaves.)

Turk: So I told my mom how much you liked that Cuban restaurant downtown and she loves cuban food, so--

Carla: I hate that restaurant!

Turk: Wow. So I must have really misunderstood when you said that you loved that place and you wanted to be buried in a vat of their plantains so you could eat you way out.

Carla: See? That's our problem. You don't get me!

Turk: No argument there!


(J.D. spots the janitor and the old man he ran into earlier. The Janitor mops.)

Janitor's father: Hey, hey, hey, hey! You missed a spot right there!

Janitor: You know, lucky for me, Dad, I spend my life making a big circle around this place cleaning up after sick people so tomorrow I'll probably be here around the same time.

Janitor's father: You know that I hate sass! So just drop right down and give me twenty.

Janitor: Dad, that could be fecal matter.

Janitor's father: Make it thirty!

Janitor: Fine.

(He gets down and starts to do push-ups.)

Janitor: One...

J.D. Narration: What is with parents anyway? Why is it so easy for them to make us feel bad?

Janitor: Three...

Janitor's father: Sound off like you've got a pair!

Janitor: Dad, I don't gotta put up with this--

(Dr. Cox comes behind J.D.)

Dr. Cox: Now, you've got to at least try and pace yourself, Newbie, otherwise sure as shootin' you're going to burn out. (snaps fingers) Come.

(They walk together. J.D. sighs.)

Dr. Cox: Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I'm aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because you probably think it'd be cathartic to get it the hell off your chest but believe me it won't be. What you've got to do, for me, is the healthy thing. Keep all of your feelings bottled up inside where they *so* belong!

J.D.: My dad flaked on me again.

Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, um, you're not on drugs, are you?

J.D.: What? No!

Dr. Cox: Are you in jail? Have you been beaten? Are you malnourished?

J.D.: I skipped lunch but I've been snacking all day.

Dr. Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy twenty-six-year-old doctor who keeps crying about how horrible his father was.

J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...

Dr. Cox: Every one of our parents does some considerable emotional damage and from what I've heard it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand but for now trust me when I tell you that I wouldn't care if today was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because in reality, well, he could have done a much, much worse job. Okay?


(Doctor's lounge. Elliot and Turk sit at a table, papers scattered in front of them.)

Turk: All right, Elliot, at the presentation I was wondering, can I do the ending? Because I really love the ending of our paper.

Elliot: Do you think I'm cut out to be a doctor?

Turk: Okay, fine, you can do the ending. I just want to say, "Thanks, folks! We've been great!"

Elliot: I'm serious. Do you think this is what I really want to do?

Turk: Elliot, I don't know.

Elliot: You can tell me. I can take it.

Turk: No, Elliot, I'm saying I don't know because I really don't know. What the hell is going on here? Why have all women gone crazy?

(He walks out.)

Elliot: (talking to herself) I'm not crazy, am I? No, shhh, it's okay.

(A doctor walks in and then walks out when he hears Elliot.)

Elliot: It's okay, Elliot, you're normal...


(On-call room. Turk is spread out on the bed when Carla comes in and flicks on the light.)

Carla: Turk?

Turk: He's not here.

Carla: Turk. I do like that Cuban restaurant.

Turk: Well, I think the important thing is we got through this together.

Carla: I just freaked out because your mom and I have so much in common.

Turk: So?

Carla: I don't know, I got this crazy idea that you only fell for me because I'm just like your mom.

Turk: Aw, baby...

(He kisses her. She smiles.)

Turk: That's *exactly* why I fell for you.

Carla: (gets up) Okay, I'll probably just have a friend pick up my stuff...

Turk: No, wait, sit down. What's wrong with wanting to be with someone because they're smart and independent and always looking out for you? Okay?

Carla: Yeah.

Turk: Okay.

Carla: But if we ever get married, we're gonna have to talk about this in therapy.

Turk: Relax. I don't do this with my mama.

(He kisses her.)

Carla: I hope not.

(She leans back and turns off the lights.)

Turk: Oh, yeah, mama!

Carla: Oh, that's just wrong.

Turk: Oh, mama!


(J.D. leans over a patient and tries to insert a large needle into his knee.)

J.D. Narration: Part of me thought Cox was wrong and I had every reason to be angry with my father.

(The tinkly tinkly music screeches to a stop.)

Patient: So... how's it going down there?

J.D.: If it's okay with you, we just won't talk right now. Got a needle. Need to focus.

(The tinkly tinkly music starts up again.)

J.D. Narration: But then I stopped thinking of my dad as a father, and started thinking of him as a man. And I realized some things that deep down I probably always knew. Like, maybe he wasn't crashing on my couch to spend more quality time with me but because he couldn't afford a hotel room.

(J.D. walks down the hall.)

J.D. Narration: And maybe he wasn't going to see his buddy Jake to catch up, but because Jake was someone he might be able to sell something to and he really needs a sale.


(At J.D.'s apartment, Mr. Dorian sits on the bed by himself.)

J.D. Narration: And maybe the truth is, he's just a middle-aged lonely guy trying to get by and it sure would be nice if someone would give him a break once and a while.

(J.D. walks in.)

J.D.: Hey, Dad.

Mr. Dorian: Hey, there he is! I thought you had to work all day.

J.D.: You know, I did, but I got someone to cover for me because I wanted to make sure I caught you and let you know how cool it was to see you.

Mr. Dorian: Really?

J.D.: Yeah.

Mr. Dorian: Well... (clears throat) Well, listen, I, um, you know, I have to travel a lot lately so I'm sure I'll be back in this region again soon. I could swing back out to see you.

J.D.: That would be really great.

Mr. Dorian: Great.

J.D.: Great.

Mr. Dorian: Great. I'd be happy to see you.

J.D.: I see you've been taking advantage of the farting policy.

Mr. Dorian: Hey, pull my finger!

J.D.: I'm not gonna pull your finger!

Mr. Dorian: Pull my finger, see what happens.

(J.D. does so.)

Mr. Dorian: I pooed a little.


(In the cafeteria at the hospital, Dr. Kelso eats his soup at a table alone. Elliot walks up with her own bowl of soup on her tray.)

Elliot: Dr. Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: Well, if it isn't daddy's little girl.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I just wanted to tell you what happened to me this afternoon.

Dr. Kelso: I'm going to go right ahead and keep eating my soup but you rest assured I'm holding my breath on the inside.

Elliot: First, I came out to my mother.

Dr. Kelso: Well, then it appears the boys down in radiology owe me quite a bit of money.

Elliot: But this afternoon...

(Flashback. Elliot leans forward and tries to take a patient's temperature. The patient leans forward and pukes on her.)

Elliot: (voice over) A patient puked on me... and I smiled.

(Elliot stands up and grins.)

(Back to the cafeteria. Elliot sits down across from Kelso.)

Elliot: You know why I was smiling? Because I really like what I do. I mean, you were right, I got into this for all the wrong reasons but I lucked out because now that I'm here, I can't imagine being anywhere else.

Dr. Kelso: I still don't like your father!

Elliot: Oh, me neither, sir.

(She reaches across and takes some crackers from his tray, crumbling them into her soup.)

Elliot: Oh, they were all out.


(Elliot and Turk's presentation. They're both dressed up and standing before the microphone. Elliot's parents, Ms. Turk, Carla and J.D. are among the spectators.)

Elliot: Placement of an iliac stent when hemodynamic results of PTA are inadequate or primary stent placement at the initial time of PTA...

J.D. Narration: Maybe the mistake we make is thinking our parents will change.

(Mrs. Reid, from the audience, gestures to her hair and mouths "Fix your hair" to Elliot.)

J.D. Narration: And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for.

(Elliot wipes the hair out of her face and continues.)

J.D. Narration: And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you.

(Turk waves to his girls. Ms. Turk and Carla wave back, both smiling.)

Elliot: In conclusion, the difference in the outcome between the two strategies was not significant in either short-term or long-term prognosis.

Turk: Thank you very much, folks. We've been great.

(Everyone claps. J.D. stands up and tries to get a wave going, but no one else participates.)


(Hospital. J.D. is finishing up his lecture to a group of med students.)

J.D.: And "Z" is for the Zs you'll be getting, now that you know heart murmurs from "A" to "Z."

(They all leave. He turns around and sees Dr. Cox who has been listening in.)

J.D.: What are you doing here?

Dr. Cox: Yeah, I just figured I'd come down and check it out. You know, see how you were doing. And for the record, that was atrocious. I mean, downright abysmal.

J.D.: I know, but did you see "A" through "K"? 'Cause I did a really cool thing with "A" through "K."

Dr. Cox: Actually, I showed up at "Y." As in, "Why, dear God, why?!"


(At the lobby of the hospital, the Janitor and his father prepare to say their good-byes. J.D. is in the background.)

Janitor's father: You know, this has got to be the most piss-poor sorry excuse for a hospital that I have ever set foot in.

Janitor: Well, Dad, in that case, feel free to not stop by every day that you're in town.

Janitor's father: Good-bye, son.

(He hugs him.)

Janitor's father: See you tomorrow.

Janitor: Yup.

(He leaves.)

Janitor: Heh, heh. Parents, huh?

J.D.: Tell me about it.

Janitor: Yeah, what's that, a shot at my dad? That's stepping over the line, pal.

J.D.: (gestures back and forth) I missed this.

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