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My Old Friend's New Friend transcript

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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Old Friend's New Friend".


J.D.'s standing against the front desk as a guy comes in holding out his bloodied bandaged hand.

Guy: [pained] Ahh. Ahhhh.

J.D.: My shift hasn't started yet. [points] Try that guy.

The guy looks over at the doctor J.D. pointed to.

Guy: Who, that guy right there?

J.D.: Yeah.

Guy: All right, thank you.

He approaches the other doc the same way.

Guy: Aaaahhhh.

J.D. starts walking down the hall.

J.D.'s Narration: A lot's been going on around here the last two weeks. Turk and Carla got married, that short guy hurt his hand....

He hits the button for the elevator.

J.D.'s Narration: And since I totally broke Elliot's heart, I was still trying to smooth things over.

The doors open to reveal Elliot inside, holding a hypodermic needle at the ready.
J.D. boards.

J.D.: Hey, buddy. What's with the giant needle?

She turns her glare on him as the doors close.
The doors open again with J.D. collapsed on the floor. Elliot tiptoes around him to disembark.

J.D.'s Narration: We still had some work to do.

Cut to...
J.D. comes to and pulls himself to his feet, leaning on the desk.

J.D.'s Narration: Where was I? Oh, yeah. The hospital also had a new attending psychologist.

The hot blonde enters the area accompanied by the usual effects -- slow motion, heavenly music, hair flowing around her.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr...Molly...Clock.

She stops.

Molly: This is a really windy hospital.

She looks over at the Janitor, who is holding up a large fan.

Janitor: Oh, I'm sorry. I was, uh, drying up a patient's urine.

Molly: Hmm.

Janitor: I'm--I'm kind of a favorite around here!

He leaves and Molly turns to one of the nurses behind the desk.

J.D.'s Narration: Not only was Dr. Clock easy on the eyes, but apparently she was an excellent shrink.

Molly: Mr. Witcomb is in the middle of a psychotic break from self-discontinuation of his meds, so we need to get him on Haloperidol IV stat.

The nurse nods and goes off to carry out the order.

J.D.'s Narration: But I also heard she was a little spacy.

Molly comes over to J.D.

Molly: So where were we?

J.D.: Um...we weren't talking.

Molly: Was it 'cause of something you did, 'cause I am totally over it. I don't even remember what it was.

J.D.: No, I mean like we've never talked...ever.

Molly: Well how do I know your name, then?

J.D.: You don't.

Molly: You're freakin' me out, Jimmy!

J.D.: It's Johnny.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Why would you say "Johnny"? You hate "Johnny"!

Molly: Now I'm gonna commit it to my memory forever.

She takes his face in her hands and stares at him intently.

Molly: Johnny.... Johnny.... Johnny....

J.D.'s Thoughts: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

She lets go.

Molly: Okay, Johnny --

J.D.'s Thoughts: Dammit!

Molly: -- I'm sorry, I'm just meeting so many people, and everyone's kind of cliquish and I haven't really gotten to know anybody.

J.D.: So let's talk! It's not like I'm going anywhere, right?

Molly: Great! Oh, thanks. Okay--

There's a honking outside: Beep beep-beep beep beep....

J.D.: 'Scuse me.

He cocks an ear.

Beep beep!

J.D.: [giddy] Turk's back from his honeymoon!

He rushes down the hall, leaping and clicking his heels.

Molly: Nice to meet you...!

Cut to...
Turk and Carla are getting out of their cab.
J.D. attracts their attention from the window.

J.D.: [waving] TURK! HEY!

Turk gives his new bride a suppliant look.

Carla: Go ahead.


He excitedly rushes to the front door, sharing his exuberance with a passing visitor.

Turk: Whooooa, J.D.! J.D.!

Carla: Maybe some day he'll love me like that.

J.D. rushes out the door, sharing _his_ exuberance with another passing visitor.

J.D.: He's here! TURK!

Turk sticks his head out the window where J.D. had been.



He rushes back into the building.
They stick their heads out different windows.

J.D.: TURK?!

Turk: J.D.!

They go back in and try two more windows.

Turk: J.D.?!


They go back in....
And find themselves at windows just a room apart.

Turk: DUDE!

J.D.: Stay right there! I'm so excited!

Turk screeches with excitement and waits as J.D. goes back in....
And re-emerges from the window above.


Turk: The roof!


The each go back in....
And end up on different levels of the roof.



They go back in....

They run at each other from different ends, and somehow pass each other.
Carla, now dressed in her scrubs and back to work, stands between them looking bored.


They quickly run back to meet, giggling like schoolgirls, Turk catching J.D. in his arms.

J.D.: Eeeeheee!

Dr. Cox and Jordan approach the little triangle, Turk's arm around J.D.

Dr. Cox: Well, well, well.... What do we have here? The newlyweds! Oh, and, hey Carla.

Turk quickly switches his grasp to Carla.

Dr. Cox: Mark my words, the first year of marriage is just a real treat! [to Jordan] Sweetheart, do you remember ours?

Jordan: The silly fighting for control!

Dr. Cox: You broke my jaw!

Jordan: You gotta stop that back-talk early.
Come on, glass jaw.

She continues down the hall, with Cox following after.

Dr. Cox: Duck and move, Gandhi. [demonstrating] Here it is, here it is, watch it -- ohhhh, duck and move.

Carla turns to Turk.

Carla: Ignore him, baby. We have a great relationship. Nothing's gonna change.

J.D.'s Narration: Over the next few days, Carla started to change everything.

Cut to...
The place looks a bit different.
Turk and J.D. are at the table, eating out of very small cups.

Turk: Hey, dude, get us some more ice cream.

J.D.: First of all, this is a Rice Dream -- mm, ricey -- secondly, I can't get out of these new chairs she got. Am I using it right?

We get a shot of the strange slanted, backless seat J.D. occupies, his feet sort of twisted beneath the legs.

Turk: These bowls Carla bought don't hold a lot of Rice Dream. I can barely get my spoon in it. Look.

He taps his spoon at the rim of the cup as Carla comes out from the bedroom, a large digital clock in hand.

Carla: Hey, J.D.? Although we do appreciate the wedding gift? --

J.D.: Mm-hmm.

Carla: -- Turk and I decided we don't want this Sugar Hill Gang alarm clock.

She sets it on the table in front of him.

Turk: We don't?

She shakes her head.
The phone rings.

J.D.: I got it.

He rocks in his seat in an attempt to get up.

J.D.: Whoa. I got it. I'm okay. I don't--oh, here it goes. Whoa! Aaaagh!

The chair tips over, taking J.D. to the floor.

J.D.: [below table] I'm still in the chair! I--it--it's like a bear-trap!

Carla yawns as the phone continues to ring.

Cut to...
J.D. lies in bed, cuddled up to a body pillow.

J.D.'s Narration: As I fondled Katya, my pillow girlfriend, I thought about how things had changed for all of us. You see, I had almost forgotten that when I wake up, it'll be the start of my last week as a resident.

The Sugar Hill Gang alarm clock on the bedside table clicks over to 6:00. The opening beat of their "Rapper's Delight" comes on.

      • FANTASY: The Sugar Hill Gang pop up out of the clock and begin to rap at J.D.

Sugar Hill Gang: [rapping] "I said a hip, hop, the hippy, the hippy to the hip-hip-hop you don't stop the rockin' to the bang bang boogie, said up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogity beat! Now what you hear is not a dream, so listen up, you nappy head! Yo, hear my rhyme, it's wake-up time, so get your white ass outta bed! You see I am what--"

J.D. reaches over and hits a button.

J.D.: Snooze!

The Gang lean on each other's shoulders and snore.


J.D. enters to see the Janitor climbing off a ladder after fixing the exit sign. J.D. takes the opportunity to rush at the sign and bat it down, catching it.
The Janitor whips around to glare at him.

J.D.: Don't look at me, it just fell.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Please please please please please please please please please please please please please!

The Janitor takes the sign.

Janitor: Proceed unmolested.

J.D. grins and continues down the hall.

J.D.'s Narration: I knew he'd buy it, because today feels like one of those great days in the hospital. People really seem to be getting to know each other.

He passes Molly, who has Dr. Kelso's face in her hands.

Molly: Bob, Bob, Bob.... Bob.... Bob.....

Dr. Kelso: Fantastic. Get off my face.

Continue to...

J.D.'s Narration: My last week of residency had begun. In seven days I'd be a full-fledged doctor. It felt pretty special to me, and I had a hunch it meant a lot to one other person as well.

He approaches the front desk, where Dr. Cox is filling out a chart.

Dr. Cox: Yes, milady?

J.D.: Sooo, ya felling all, like, [craziness] blalala!

Dr. Cox: That depends, does "blalalala" mean confused and incredibly annoyed?

J.D.: Come on, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station. You must have a metaphor you want to use; hit me with it!

Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh.... Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, 'The O.C.', the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much! The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything--eve--everything that exists -- past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions.

He starts to walk off.

Dr. Cox: Oh! And Hugh Jackman. Eh.

He continues out.

J.D.: Hugh Jackman's Wolverine! How dare he.


Elliot and Carla head towards a table with their trays.

Elliot: I missed you guys so much.

Carla: Mmm.... Oh, come over tonight! We're looking at wedding pictures.

They take their seats.

Elliot: Ooh! There's this one picture of me right after I got sick off my...third champagne and Red Bull, and my hair is kind of like sexy-messy, and the photographer said he could airbrush all of the puke off my dress.

Carla: Already made doubles.

Elliot: You rock! Heh.
Ssso, J.D. gonna be there tonight?

Carla: Can't you come over anyway?

Elliot: Um....

Molly plunks down in the chair next to Carla.

Molly: Hey! Do you guys mind if I eat with you? 'Cause I don't wanna sit alone and sing to my food like a crazy person.

Elliot: Oh, my gosh! I do that!

Molly: No way!

Elliot: Mostly pop songs. You know, unless I'm eating soul food.

Carla looks at the empty space on the table in front of Molly.

Carla: Where's your food?

Molly: Oh, shoot.

She hops up again.

Carla: Look, Elliot, we'll do something later this week, just the two of us.

Elliot: Okay.

Molly returns with a tray, flopping back into her seat.

Molly: Ahh. [picking at the sandwich] Oh, that is not my food. But I'm not getting up again.

Elliot: Oh, I wouldn't.

Molly: [mildly tuneful] Chicken salaaaad! Oh, yeeah. Looks good.

She takes a bite.
Carla's beeper goes off and she looks at the display.

Carla: I gotta go. See ya.

Molly gives a little wave as Carla departs.

Elliot: It's so strange feeling all alone when like a month ago I was part of this really tight group, you know?

Molly: Yeah. I had tons of friends at my old hospital.

Elliot: I gotta meet some new people.

Molly: Do you wanna, uh, get a cup of coffee tonight?

Elliot: Can't. I'm hitting the internet hard and going on a friend hunt!

With new purpose, she gets up from the table and leaves.
Molly turns back to her food.

Molly: [singing] Oh, chicken salaaad! You're tasty, you're food to be eaten, it's good!


J.D. sees his patient out of her room as her gurney is wheeled down the hall.

J.D.: When you get back from surgery, Mrs. Grodberg, we'll play Scrabble again! And this time I'll beat you!

Dr. Kelso stops on his way past.

Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you'll beat her, son, she's having half her brain removed! Heh-heh!

J.D. approaches...
Carla and Turk are waiting there for him.

Turk: J.D. A little problem this morning with Malik.

J.D.: Our car? Is it bad?

        Turk stands in front of the car, flames licking the hood, on his cell phone.

Turk: [on phone] Hey, Triple A? Look, I need a pick-up on the corner of Fourth and--

There's a large explosion of flame from the back of the car, which blazes on.

Turk: [on phone] You know what? You'll see it.

J.D.: Ah, Malik. Lots of memories in that old car.

Carla: Of what?

J.D.: Driving, mostly.

Turk: [honking imaginary horn] Beep, beep.

Carla: Look, why don't we pool our money together and buy one of those nice cute little Mini Coopers?

Turk: Baby, a Mini Cooper?

J.D.'s Narration: And then the most amazing thing happened.

Carla: I'll tell you what, Turk. Why don't you go pick out our car.

J.D.'s Narration: Carla let Turk make a decision!

Turk: Okay! But, baby, you should know that it's not gonna be a Mini. 'Cause ain't nothing really mini about me!

J.D.: There isn't.

Turk: There isn't! Heh!


J.D. is at the bed of his patient.

J.D.: Mr. Radford, if you keep turning down physical therapy, you're never gonna be strong enough to get out of this bed.

Mr. Radford: I'm tired.

J.D.: I know you are, but I would love it if you'd at least try.

Mr. Blass, the man in another bed, suddenly sits up.

Mr. Blass: [singing] "And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. No, I won't do that."

J.D., curious, goes over to him.

J.D.: Haunting.

Molly comes over.

Molly: Drink your juice, Mr. Blass.

She follows J.D. out into the Hall.

Molly: Mr. Blass has Pick's disease, which is similar to presentation to multi-infarct dementia.

J.D.: Mmm.

Molly: Anyhoo, he likes to sing when he gets up in the morning, and the weird thing is, Johnny, he actually captures the mood of the room.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, you gotta take a stand on this "Johnny" thing before it becomes permanent.

J.D.: You know what, it's "J.D." for "John Dorian," so--so John...look, you know what, Johnny's fine, it's cool.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What's wrong with you?

He pushes the button for the elevator.

Molly: Anyway, Johnny, I was noticing that you were having some trouble motivating your patient back in there, and I actually published a paper on motivation methodology in post-operative seniors, so, if you want, I could help.

They're now in the elevator.

J.D.: What floor?

Molly: [suddenly noticing] Oh, my god, we're on an elevator.

J.D.: You know, Molly, I appreciate the offer, but there's a very special doctor I use around here when I need help, and he'd be pretty pissed if I didn't come to him first.

Cut to...
J.D. follows Dr. Cox out of a room.

Dr. Cox: Why, Mariska? Why do you insist on bothering _me_ with these things?

J.D.: Please, you know you love it. Now, come on, one more time for nostalgia's sake: You come see my patient, you teach me a lesson, and then the music plays, right? In my head, it sounds like this: Ba-buh-buh-ba-buh-buh-buh, ba-buh-buh-ba-buh-buh-buh-buhhh.

Carla passes.

Carla: Dr. Cox, can I borrow you for a minute?

Dr. Cox: Borrow me? Dearheart, you'd be rescuing me.
Newbie, you're on your own. Get used to it.

He leaves J.D.
Those familiar piano chords tinkle on the soundtrack.

J.D.: [quietly along with] ...Buh-ba-buh-buh-buh-buh-buhh....

Cut to...
Carla leads Cox to the door.

Carla: I'munna prove to you why my first year of marriage isn't gonna be as hard as yours was.

Dr. Cox: I think you're setting the bar a little low on that one, there, sweetcheeks.

Carla: Yeah, still, the point is I'm smarter than you.

Dr. Cox: In relationships?

Carla: In everything.

Dr. Cox: Right!

Carla: See, even though I make all the decisions, whenever I see Turk is getting upset, I throw him a little decision that means nothing to me. Like buying a new car -- as long as it's got four wheels and air conditioning, I'm hap--

Finally reaching the door, Carla sees what Turk bought.

Carla: --py.

Turk proudly stands among three brightly colored motor scooters.

Turk: Check it, baby! Scooters!

Carla: Hehhh.

Dr. Cox: Fantastic!


Elliot stands watching as J.D. goofily scribbles "Dr. Al Coholic" on the assignment board.

J.D.: He's a drinker! [laughs]

Elliot: Mm-hm. Clever. Look, J.D., I think this is so unfair. I mean, I never get to see Turk and Carla anymore.

Somewhere in this, J.D. must have changed his joke, because now the top name on the board is "Dr. Ass Face."

Elliot: It's like we got divorced and you get to keep the friends just because you live with them.

Cut to...
Elliot continues explaining her feelings to J.D.

Elliot: It just feels like you guys are part of some sort of gang or something.

J.D.: Elliot, you're overreacting. We're not some kind of gang, okay?

Elliot: Okay.

He straps on his helmet and the camera pulls back to reveal him on his scooter, and beside him, Turk and Carla on theirs.

J.D.: Wolverines, let's roll!

They rev their engines and pull away from Elliot, who shuffles her foot on her way back into the building.


J.D. walks through, retying the drawstring on his scrubs.

J.D.'s Narration: That joyride around the hospital made me realize two things. First, it's a bad idea to take a full bladder out on your hog. Also, I had to draw upon all my medical experience to get Mr. Radford out of bed.

He enters...

J.D.: Mr. Radford, they're showing 'Cocoon' in the chapel!

Mr. Radford: I'm not a big Guttenberg fan.

J.D.: Well, you're the only one, 'cause people in the hall are going crazy!

He glances out into the hall, where Molly has a middle-eastern doctor by the face.

Molly: Akbar. Akbar. Akbar.
[noticing J.D.] Oh, Johnny! Hey!

She releases Akbar and goes into the ward.

Akbar: [sotto] Run away with me.

Molly: [to J.D.] I was just looking at Mr. Radford's chart.

J.D.: Ahh, I know you're new here, but that's my patient's chart, and no one touches my patient's chart --

Dr. Cox enters, taking up the chart.

J.D.: -- except for him.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Yes! I knew he couldn't stay away.

Molly: [to Cox] Hi, I'm Molly. And I kinda tagged in here with the Mr. Radford thing, 'cause I--

He shushes her by pressing his finger to her lips.

Dr. Cox: Molly, Molly, Molly, you lost me at "hello."

Molly: [waving him away] Wow, no touchy.

Dr. Cox: Fair enough.
Uhh, Mr. Radford, do I understand you have pain issues but you don't want physical therapy?

Mr. Radford: I just don't have it in me.

J.D.: [whispering to Molly] Here comes the magic. He always gives me goosebumps.

Dr. Cox: Okay, then. I sure hope you're comfortable in that bed, because you're gonna be in one just like it for the rest of your natural born life.

He returns the chart and starts to head out. J.D. stops him at the door.

J.D.: What the hell was that?

Dr. Cox: That...[lowers voice] was me talking to a patient who has thrown in the towel. You can't save everyone, Newbie, so I suggest you start working with people who want your help. That's what I will be doing.

He leaves.
Molly comes up behind J.D.

Molly: Goosebumps?

J.D.: They're small. can't see them.

The piano chords play again.


J.D. stands at Mrs. Grodberg's bed over a Scrabble board, flipping through a dictionary.

J.D.: Ahh, Mrs. Grodberg, "jizelbck" is not a word.

Mrs. Grodberg: I'm still beating you!

J.D.: Well, I'm just glad your surgery went okay and you still have your A game. I don't really care who wins!

He turns.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Half a brain, dammit!

Dr. Cox passes.

Dr. Cox: Goodnight, Giselle.

J.D.: Dr. Cox.

Cox stops.

J.D.: I just want you to know I'm not ready to give up on Mr. Radford.

Dr. Cox: Do you want me to give you my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because, you know, I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.

J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.

Dr. Cox: Go on home and get in bed, will ya. I'm betting your friend Mr. Radford's already in his.
I'll see ya.

He heads out.

Night fades into morning, when Elliot approaches Mrs. Grodberg's bed to check her chart.
Dr. Kelso arrives.

Dr. Kelso: Well, sweetheart, you're here early.

Elliot: Yeah, well, you know I didn't have any plans last night, so I went to bed at 8 and then I woke up at 4. And then I realized that the sunrise just looks beautiful through the trees, and that my neighbor gets his paper in the _nude_...and that he needs to lose like 900 pounds.

She balloons her cheeks.

Dr. Kelso: In the future, the appropriate response is, "Yes, I am here early" -- it's called 'small talk', not 'my depressing life in thirty seconds'.

He walks off.

Elliot: I am not, heh, depressed, sir. In fact, nothing is gonna get me down today!

Mr. Blass sits up in his bed.

Mr. Blass: [singing] "All by myself. Don't wanna be all by my--"

The song starts to touch Elliot, but then:

Elliot: Oh, shut up!

Molly enters and comes over to Mr. Blass.

Molly: Did you just tell my patient to shut up? 'Cause that seems not very doctory.

Elliot: No. I mean, I said it like all those high school girls do in the mall, like, "Oh, shut _up_!"
I should go.

She escapes.

Molly: Kick it, Mr. Blass.

Mr. Blass resumes his singing, which is quickly overlapped by Eric Carmen's actual recording of "All By Myself" which plays as we cut to...
Carla listlessly leads the gang on her scooter, as J.D. and Turk chummily do tricks on theirs behind her.

Continue to...
J.D. spins around the Janitor, who is sweeping a large yellow X painted on the asphalt.

J.D.: Woohoo! Ring around the Janitor! Pocket full of--

Janitor: You're funny. Pocket full of what?

J.D.: ...Zanitor.

Janitor: Not a word!

J.D. finally parks his ride and takes in the scene.

J.D.: Why the giant X?

Janitor: Why the stupid face?

J.D.: Touché.

Janitor: You know, I know you knocked that exit sign down.

J.D.: Well then I'm sure I can expect an appropriate retaliatory response. Maybe you could shoot me in the neck.

Janitor: [chuckles] Sounds like fun, but no. Our game is over, buddy. Your residency's coming to a close and...that's it, nothing left to do but:

He holds out his hand.
J.D. shakes it.

J.D.: What can I say, it's been...horrifying.

Janitor: Thank you!

J.D.: Well, this is kinda cool! Hey, you know, maybe we could, like, be friends.

Janitor: You like huntin' squirrels?

J.D.: I'd never tried it.

Janitor: Easiest thing in the world -- all you need are some walnuts...and a boxing glove!

He demonstrates the ease of motion.

J.D.'s Narration: And the day just got better from there.

Cut to...
The X in the parking lot fades to a target X on a mat on the floor, where Mr. Radford lays as his therapists pound some healing into him. J.D. watches on.

J.D.'s Narration: Mostly because Mr. Radford had the same "screw you, Dr. Cox" attitude that I had.

J.D.: Good stuff, Mr. Radford! I'm proud of you!

Mr. Radford: [pained] I hate you!

An old lady comes over to J.D.

Elderly Lady: Excuse me, doctor. I dropped a nickel in that therapy whirlpool. You think you could get it for me?

J.D. rolls up his sleeve and approaches the tub of swirling water.

J.D.: Okay, but stand back. These things can be pretty dangerous!

He sticks his arm in and soon feels the immense pull.

J.D.: Whoa. Oh, boy. Whooooaaaa! Agghhh!

The current sucks him into the tub. He thrashes around, splashing the old lady, who just stares.

J.D.: Aaaaggglghlgggh! Aggghhh!

Cut to...
J.D. had his shirt off, squeezing the water from it.
Elliot comes out.

Elliot: So, what, are they shooting some sort of Geeks of Sacred Heart calendar out here?

J.D.: Actually, no, I almost drowned diving for a nickel; but I'm sure you're more interested in conspiracy theories about gangs and friend stealing. Peace out.

He bumps her shoulder as he walks back into the building.
Shrieking in frustration, Elliot kicks the scooter in front of her, knocking it to the ground.

A swarthy gentleman who was on one of the benches smoking a cigarette leaps up.

Italian Guy: Hey! Why did you kick'a my scooter? Why? All you Americans are bullies! That is why the whole world hates you!

Molly comes out to see this scene.

Molly: Easy, Massimo. It's okay, she's gonna fix it, just go inside and I'll meet you in my office.

Massimo grumbles and goes in.
Molly comes over to Elliot.

Molly: [quietly] He's not even Italian.

Elliot: I'm sorry. Look, um.... You wouldn't understand.

Molly: No, I get it. I mean, you're feeling lonely, you're feeling rejected. I mean, most people around here won't talk to me, and even Johnny won't take my help.

Elliot: Who's Johnny?

Molly: You know, he's a resident, he's got like gelled-up hair, and he and his friends are in a motorcycle gang?

Elliot: I knew it!!!

Molly: You know what, Elliot, you act like everyone's boxing you out, but you wouldn't even get a cup of coffee with me.

She puts on a smile and throws up a peace sign.

Molly: Peace out, baby.

She goes back in.

Elliot: Why is everybody saying that?


Carla's behind the desk as Turk, all sweaty, approaches.

Turk: Great news, baby. I just picked your grandparents up from the airport!

        Turk drives his scooter along, two old people grasping their suitcases hanging on for dear life behind him.

Turk: Hang on, Nana! Hang on, Grampa!

Turk: Not only did I get them home, I lost six pounds! Ha ha!

Carla: Gimme those stupid keys!

Turk: Mm-mm.

She rips the cord they're hanging on off his neck.

Turk: OH!

She angrily throws the keys across the station.

Carla: That's what I think of your scooters! No more bugs in my teeth! No more helmet head! No more making deals with God every time a truck passes me on the freeway, okay? It's over! That's it!

She storms off.

Turk: What the hell just happened?

Dr. Kelso stops on his way past.

Dr. Kelso: You got married, Turkleton.


J.D. stands at the door as two orderlies help Mr. Radford struggle to his feet.

J.D.: [to the hall] That, my friends, is Mr. Radford getting out of bed.

The nearby staffers, Molly included, smile and look in.
Poor Mr. Radford collapses back onto his bed.

J.D.: And that's Mr. Radford falling back into bed. But still, enough to rub it in Dr. Cox's face.

Molly: That is so great! But I wouldn't do that unless you want him to rub your face in it.

J.D.: Did you not see what just happened, or do you not get face rubbing? Because it's more than just a bizarro way to memorize people's names.

Molly: Johnny, I mean what Dr. Cox did was classic reverse psychology. And so is this: [backing up] Behavioral modification can sometimes be brought about through classic conditioning.

She smiles hopefully.

Molly: Reverse psychology? Nothing? 'Cause that really kills at the psychiatric conferences.

J.D.: I must go to one of those.

Molly: Look, isn't it possible that Dr. Cox tricked you as a motivational ploy?

J.D.: Hmm, no.

Molly: After he said there was no hope with Mr. Radford, didn't you both work harder?

J.D.: Nnoo! You're like a crazy person!

He starts down the hall, with her following behind him.

Molly: Look, I'll tell you something else. I mean, Dr. Cox is a text-book closed-off alpha male. I mean, you can try forever, but you're never gonna get that hug that you really want.

He stops.

J.D.: Uh, excuse me, I'm not a child. I'm a doctor.

J.D.'s Thoughts: And I'll get that hug!

He whips around to continue down the hall, and nearly bumps into Elliot, who approaches with a couple of cups in hand.

Elliot: Hey! Watch it!

In the shuffle, she loses her grip and splashes Molly with the contents of her cups.

Molly: Oh! Hot! Ah! Ahh!

Elliot: I, um...brought you coffee.

Molly hops around, trying to pull her burning pants away from her skin.

Molly: Oh, it's burning, it's like fire! Ah!


Turk is on the couch, sulking, his only comfort cuddling Rowdy.
Carla makes yet another change to the apartment by hanging up a weird picture, then comes over to Turk.

Carla: Baby, I know you don't wanna return the scooters.

Turk: Can't this wait till after my scooter club's fall foliage trip through Maine?

Carla: No, Turk!

Turk: [whining] Maaaan!

Carla: Look! You're a husband now. When you make decisions, you're supposed to think about what _we_ need, not what _you_ want!

Turk: Well, it doesn't seem like you're doing that! You gave away my clock! And you sold my chairs. And what the hell is up with these ridiculously tiny bowls!?

He holds one up.

Carla: They're sake cups, Jethro!

Turk: I knew that....

He puts the cup back down.

Carla: Everything I do, Turk, I do it for us!

Turk: Oh, yeah? Then why does Rowdy smell like daisies?

Carla: 'Cause I had him [muttering] filled with potpourri.

She slumps on the couch next to Turk.

Carla: [groans] You can keep the scooters.

Turk: [small] That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

They both stare ahead, kind of lost in thought.

Carla: Marriage is gonna be tricky.

Turk: Yeah.


Elliot joins Molly at a table, passing her a plastic bag full of ice.

Molly: Thanks.

She sticks the bag between her legs and sighs with relief.

Elliot: How are your thighs?

Molly: They're very hot and pink.

Elliot: Do you want me to rub ointment on them?

Suddenly every guy in the cafeteria ( woman, I believe) stops and turns their attention to Molly.

Molly: It's okay.

Guys: Awwwwwwww.

Molly: Weird.


Dr. Cox settles in on the couch and opens up the paper.
After a second, he drops the paper to reveal J.D. standing in front of him.

J.D.: [finger gun] Ka-pow!

Dr. Cox: Look at that. I knew I smelled that odd combination of fear and baby powder.

J.D.'s Thoughts: How does he know about my belly rash?

J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox, I know you were using reverse psychology with Mr. Radford.

Dr. Cox: You do, do you?

J.D.: Yes. And I figured it out all by myself, without anyone helping me or explaining it directly in my face or anything.

Dr. Cox: Well, nubile one, your last lesson and you didn't even need it.

J.D. smiles humbly as Dr. Cox stands up.

Dr. Cox: Three years and it's finally over. I know what you want, I do.

He checks to see if anyone else is around, and opens his arms to J.D.

Dr. Cox: Come here.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, my God, it's finally happening! Don't miss a moment! Take it all in! Ba-buh-ba-buh-buh-buhh, buh-ba-ba-ba-ba-buh-buhhh--

J.D. leans in to accept his hug, and is stopped short by Dr. Cox whistling sharply in his ear.

J.D.: Ow.

Dr. Cox: Good God, Fantasia. You--you don't actually think I'm done teaching you, do you? D'you not understand the only difference between today and tomorrow is that you wake up tomorrow and start coming in here and killing people, that no one can say, "It's no big deal, he's just a resident." Instead, what they're damn sure gonna be wondering is who tried to educate your sorry ass. And when that finger of blame starts pointing in my direction, I had damn sure better be in a coma from the anger stroke I suffered from the last time you tried to hug me.

He grumbles and heads out the door.
He turns back.

Dr. Cox: Oh, and, uh, don't be late tomorrow...Doctor.

He continues out.

J.D.'s Narration: Whether or not you survive in a hospital is all about how you handle your relationships.

Molly and Elliot sit across from each other, singing their hearts out.

&: [singing] "All by myself / Don't wanna be..."

J.D.'s Narration: [over them] Whether it's a brand new one...

&: [singing] "...all by myself!"

J.D.'s Narration: ...or an old one you need to figure out all over again.

From his parked scooter, J.D. watches Carla emerge from the building.

Carla: [gasps] Oh, my God!!!!

Turk proudly stands in front of a brand new Mini.

Turk: Huh?

Carla: I can't believe you did this!

Turk: Yeah.

Carla: It's even minier than I imagined!
But what about you?

Turk: Ah, baby, don't worry about it, I got it covered. Check it out.

He flips on the stereo, which pumps out the Sugar Hill Gang.

      • FANTASY: The Sugar Hill Gang, themselves, sit in the back of the car and rap, as Turk dances.

Turk and Carla take off in the car, stereo blaring.

Carla: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, it was my relationships that got me through my residency.

He straps on his helmet and starts up his scooter as the piano comes up on the soundtrack.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Ba-buh-buh-buh-ba-buh-buh-buhhh. Buh-buh-buh-buh-ba--

As he drives off, we see the chain that's been attached to the back of his ride uncoil.
Finally at the end of the tether, the scooter stops, sending J.D. flying.

J.D.: Hooogh! Aaaaaaaaaaauuuugggghhh!

He lands in the lot, right on the X.

J.D.: Oof.

The Janitor watches from his nearby lawn chair.

Janitor: Bull's eye! [laughs]

J.D.: We're not done with our thing yet, are we.

Janitor: No. For you, it's all just beginning.

He takes his sherbet and lawn chair and steps over J.D.

J.D.'s Narration: The weird thing is, he was right.


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