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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Office".

ActEdit


STREET

J.D.'s Narration: I was a little nervous today. Maybe it was because I had no idea who this guy on the back of my bike was.

Guy: See ya tomorrow!

J.D.: Will do.

J.D.'s Narration: Or maybe I was nervous because at 3 o'clock, Dr. Cox was gonna name me the new chief resident. How do I know? Well, for one thing, I'm the only one who applied. But I'm also the only one who's truly focused enough to--

J.D.: Oh, God.

Movers: Hey!

CAFETERIA

Turk: So lemme get this straight: You crashed in to their truck, and they just drive you to work?

J.D.: Well, we didn't come straight here.

FLASHBACK: STREET

J.D.: Come on, Dorian. You gotta want it!

Turk: Hold up. They made you move furniture?

J.D.: It wasn't all bad.

FLASHBACK: STREET

J.D.: Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap! Bubble wrap! & Movers: Yeah! Bubble wrap!

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Molly Clock, the new attending psychiatrist. Yes, she was HOHHHT! But I wasn't a fan. For one thing, she's always calling me "Johnny." Also, she wasn't very nice.

Molly: Hey, sit with us. We'll make room, even if I have to stand.

J.D.'s Narration: What. A. Bitch. Plus, she's _always_ with Elliot; and since I dumped her, we weren't getting along all that great.

J.D.: Anybody got any extra ketchup packets?

A handful of packets are whipped at him.

J.D.: Thank you, Elliot.

Elliot: Mm.

Carla: So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?

Doug: Oh, I'm still a resident! Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital!

Carla: That's a bad thing, Doug,

Doug: Oh, I'm staying positive.

Elliot: Well, I'm starting my endocrinology and metabolism fellowship. I'm really looking forward to cataloguing all of the genetic variations of--

J.D., Carla and Turk make loud snoring sounds.

Elliot: Oh, really? [laughs sarcastically] Well, excuse me for taking an interest in hormonal regulatory research and relate--

They fall over dramatically with more snoring. Elliot angrily goes back to her food.

Carla: You know, Elliot, I still think you'd make a good chief resident.

Elliot: Carla, for the five billionth time, I'm not interested.

Molly: I think you would be a great chief resident!

Elliot: You do?

Carla: I just said that.

Turk: I know!

J.D.: Sorry, ladies, job's taken.

Elliot: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.

Carla: Well maybe it's not too late.

Elliot: Yeah it is, Carla.

Molly: Maybe it's not.

Elliot: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't!

Carla: What the hell?

Turk?: They're all against you!

Dr. Cox: I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm--

Elliot: Dr. Cox!

Dr. Cox: --ah, dammit!

Elliot: Can I still be considered as a candidate for the chief residency?

J.D.: She asked, without a prayer.

Dr. Cox: Sure, why not.

Molly and Elliot squeal.

Elliot: Raise it! Raise it! Uh-oh, uh-oh! And grind. Grind it, grind it!

Turk: You okay, buddy?

J.D.'s Narration: I just needed to talk to someone.

STREET

Mover: Tough break, J.D. You've dreamed of being chief resident ever since you were a little boy growing up in Trotwood, Ohio.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What? How does he know that?

J.D.: Thank you, Frank.

ActEdit

EXAM ROOM

Dr. Kelso: So whatta you think, Perry?

Dr. Cox: I don't know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.

Dr. Kelso: Excuse us, Lyle.

Dr. Cox: Come on, Newbie.

Lyle: Hey, do you have a magazine?

J.D.: Not in me -- I mean, on me.

HALL

Dr. Kelso: That young man's father is very important.

Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. He donated a wing.

Dr. Kelso: He donated a wing, a thigh, and a breast.

J.D.: Sir?

Dr. Kelso: Yes, genius, in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken.

J.D.: Please, sir, I totally get that.

J.D.'s Thoughts: How could a hospital be a chicken?

Dr. Kelso: Focus on nothing else.

J.D.: What a jerk! Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?

Elliot: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.

Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, _very_ good! Now, sorry, where were we?

J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.

Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.

J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!

Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.

J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!

FANTASY: EXAM ROOM

J.D.: Hit the water!

J.D.'s Thoughts: I'll impress him some other way.

J.D.: Doug! Stay positive.

Doug: Awesome!

HALL

Molly: Perry! You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he's not my cousin; and, you know, his name isn't Perry, it's...Jeff.

Dr. Cox: That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me.

Molly: Interesting! Anyway, this morning Dr. Kelso told me that since psychiatrists are the Wal-Mart greeters of medicine --

Dr. Cox snickers his agreement.

Molly: -- that I need to start publishing a paper to earn my keep. So I'm gonna do this study about conflict resolution between hospital personnel, and I was wondering if I could observe you?

Dr. Cox: Look, "Doctor," us real doctors are here to work, so there's not a whole lot of conflict. Now, my day is already bad enough on account of I gotta tell Mr. Roman that he--

He flips through the chart.

Dr. Cox: That.... Oh, my God. Mr. Roman doesn't need to have surgery. I ne-hever get to give good news!

Molly: Subject elongates words when excited!

MR. ROMAN'S ROOM

Dr. Cox: Mr. Roman, ga-reat news!

Mr. Roman: I don't need surgery! Yeah, Dr. Turk just told me!

Turk: Yeah, you shoulda seen him! He was so happy, he started dancing! Not standing up, but while lying in his bed. It was sort of like buh-buh-buh from like the waist up? [dances in demonstration]

Dr. Cox chuckles with the patient and turns to Turk.

Dr. Cox: [sotto] You stole my moment. And you will pay.

Molly: Oh, this is good!

NURSES' STATION

Elliot: Molly helped me fill out my chief resident application, so...gonna go give it to Dr. Cox!

Carla: There you go, working girl!

Elliot rushes off.

Carla: I've told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident, but she just ignored me.

Nurse Roberts: Maybe she's racist.

Carla: Whatever. It's fine, it's fine. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.

Nurse Roberts: Mmm-hmm.

Molly: Nurse Roberts, if you still wanna talk about that situation with your husband, we can go to my office now.

Nurse Roberts: 'Scuse me.

I.C.U.

J.D.'s Narration: When Turk told me he pissed Dr. Cox off by stealing his moment, I decided not to share it with Elliot.

Elliot: Dr. Cox! Can you come take a look at my patient's rash? It's really weird.

Dr. Cox: Ohh, I would love to come take a look at your patient's rash! But, also, if time allows, maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress.

Elliot: I have sketches in my locker.

Dr. Cox: Pssst! Barbie! Listen carefully, because the policy remains unchanged: Unless someone is dying -- and puh-lease note _dying_ not _dead_ -- I'm not interested. And P.S., just a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate. God almighty!

J.D.: Whoooooooooo. Wow. Don't feel bad, you couldn't have seen it coming. Awful, though. Well, I'm off to pilates.

J.D.'s Narration: I didn't feel bad, because a lot of people were playing dirty around here.

HALL / PATIENT'S ROOM

Dr. Cox: I've told him all about the surgery, and he is good to go.

Turk: Hey! So whatta you say we yank out that gallbladder?

Mr. Silka: That's the way you tell me I need major surgery!?

Turk: You said you told him!

Dr. Cox: Oh, stop it. Why would I steal your moment? Except for maybe because [sotto] payback is a bitch. [snickers]

NURSES' STATION

Carla: Have one, baby. You'll feel better.

Turk: Thank you.

Molly: Turk, I heard your conflict with Dr. Cox escalated? You know, he's already starting to look like the breakout character of my case study? The one that people love to hate?

Carla: Ugh.

Molly: Anyway, in my opinion, it is more effective to address the situation than it is to become self-destructive by over-indulging a sweet tooth.

Turk: She's right.

Carla: You don't have that cookie, we're getting a divorce.

Turk: But baby, I'm not hungry now.

Carla: Eat. It.

WHEELCHAIR RAMP

Dr. Cox: What?

J.D.: It's 3 o'clock! 3 o'clock's when you announce new chief resident, so we thought you might want--

Dr. Cox: Barbie. You're chief resident.

J.D.: [high-pitched laugh] Very funny!

Dr. Cox: So not joking.

Elliot: [shrieks] Yay! Oh, my God, now I know how Liza Minelli felt! When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, how ya doin'?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Keep it together. It's be a man time.

J.D.: No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut; Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards!?!?!

Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlett? You're chief resident too.

J.D.: Uh, what now?

Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle -- and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle -- _together_ the two of you make one barely passable doctor...slash labradoodle.

J.D.: Wait, so, if we're both gonna be chief residents, why didn't you just say that from the beginning?

Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall of fame hissy? Not on your life. Walk with me.

J.D.: John Dorian, chief resident.

ELEVATOR / HALL

J.D.: It's just that Elliot and I doing this together is gonna be a little tough -- we're going through a bit of a rough patch.

Dr. Cox: Shoot, I totally get that. What you need to do is just give each other tons of space. Here, uh, here's your office.

Cox's beeper goes off.

Dr. Cox: Oh! Enjoy.

EXAM ROOM

Dr. Kelso: Maybe I wasn't clear. This patient is important. Translation: Don't pass him off to dumb guy.

Doug: Sir, I take issue with that.

Dr. Kelso: Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies to get the lightbulb out of the patient by doing what?

Doug: Shaking him like a beach towel.

Dr. Kelso: Goodbye!

Dr. Kelso: Last chance, Perry. Fix this kid. I paged a surgical consult.

Dr. Cox: 'Course you did.

Todd: Heard this guy's got a lightbulb up his ass.

Dr. Cox: Are--are you the--the surgical consult?

Todd: No, I'm not even working today. I just want to ask him four questions.

Turk: Whasssup! Dr. Tizzurk is in the hizzouse...!

J.D.'s Narration: Conflict is everywhere. Whether it's out in the open...

NURSES' STATION

J.D.'s Narration: ...or bubbling just under the surface.

Molly: You know what I realized by doing this study? Some of the most interesting conflicts are when one of the parties doesn't even realize they're in a fight!

Carla: Really.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess the only thing to do when you're in the middle of it is to hope that nothing makes it worse.

CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE

Janitor: Cleaning time!

Janitor: Don't worry, I'll go fast.

J.D.: Owwww!

Janitor: Whoop, that one got away.

J.D.: It burns!

Janitor: Ammonia burns? Hm! Write that down.

ActEdit

CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE

Elliot: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!

J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.

Molly: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.

J.D.: Oh, no.

Molly: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."

J.D.: Great. Maybe we could make it permanent.

Molly: Johnny!

J.D.'s Thoughts: Of course not.

Molly: The way I see it, you guys can either get past it and talk like adults, or you can behave like petty children.

I.C.U.

J.D.'s Narration: We decided to go petty.

Elliot: Okay, instead of sharing you all, we're gonna separate you into two resident teams so that J.D. and I never have to see each other.

J.D.: I'll take Doug.

Doug: YES! Suck on that!

He goes over to J.D.

Doug: Thanks, J.D. First pick.

J.D.: Relax, Doug, you're the only one whose name I know.

Elliot: I'll take Indian Elvis.

Indian Elvis: Yes!

Doug: Pick the hot chick.

J.D.: Shut up, Doug! We'll take the hot chick?

Hot Chick: Yeah, uh, name's Amy, actually.

J.D.: John Dorian, chief resident. Website's on the back.

HALL

Molly: Hey! I got like a two-hour break between patients, do you wanna grab lunch? Or dinner, I'm not really sure what time it is.

J.D.'s Narration: Elliot and I weren't the only ones who decided to go petty.

Carla: Oh! You know what, I have a barbecue to go to. Why don't you meet me there?

Molly: Cool!

APARTMENT PATIO - HOT TUB

Molly: Hey! Are you Todd?

Todd: Oh, yeah.

Molly: Well, Carla said you're having a barbecue.

Todd: No, but stick around, I'll see if we can get something cooking. This is Pat and Frank from 4G.

Molly: Hi, I'm Molly.

The whirlpool is shut off.

Molly: Aaand you're naked.

Todd: Uhhh-huh.

Molly: Awesome.

LECTURE ROOM

Turk: Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?

Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break; and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he's going to need a casket. Sooo, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.

Turk: What crowd? I thought nobody wanted to take the case?

Dr. Cox: At first. But now that it's become a bit of a hospital mystery, every jackass in the joint is going to want to come in here and give their two cents worth.

Dr. Mickhead: If we could just find the lamp the bulb came from.

Odd Doc: Leon's trained to retrieve things.

Dr. Zeltzer: That's why my wife and I use candles.

Turk: Zeltzer, you are hands-down the most disturbing man I've ever met in my life.

Dr. Zeltzer: [modest] Oh, stop it. Hey, are you and your wife open-minded?

Dr. Cox: [claps] That's it! I want everybody to get out who is not an expert on lightbulbs! Go on! Get out! [whistles] Out out out out out out out out out out out! The Janitor lags behind.

Dr. Cox: What're you still doing here?

Janitor: What you have there is an A21 bulb on a E26 base. Running a hundred watts, putting out about a hundred and thirty volts.

Turk: Get over here, you're helping me.

Dr. Cox: Not so fast, cowboy. You're working with me, tall man.

Janitor: Mmmm, actually, no. If I had the time, maybe, but I've got a room to clean.

HALL

Elliot: Keep up, people! We got pre-rounds to do! Get the lead out, Elvis!

J.D.: Okay, she's gone.

J.D.: Now, I've heard some rumors there's been some fraternizing with some of Dr. Reid's residents. Now, I don't want to mention any names...but, Slobodan, enough of that crap!

Doug: Watch your ass.

J.D.: Now, come on, you nerds!

ADMISSIONS

Molly: Carla, Todd has something he wants to say to you.

Todd: I'm sorry if I ever demeaned you, Carla. You see, my feelings about women were warped by a very unhealthy relationship with my mother. We made out once.

Molly: That's good, Todd. Keep going.

Todd: Monique! I owe you an apology....

Carla: You fixed the Todd?

Molly: Well, without regular therapy, it'll probably only last...a week? So...you're mad at me.

Carla: Excuse me?

Molly: Oh! You're not mad at me!

She giggles and squeezes her eyes.

Carla: Why did you just close your eyes at me?

Molly: I've never been able to wink.

Carla: Ohh. I'm not mad.

Molly: Cool! You're obviously very stubborn and very proud, but you're nice so eventually you're gonna tell me.

Carla: No, I won't.

Molly: Let go of that anger!

LECTURE ROOM

Molly: Not my office.

She stops.

Molly: How's it going in here?

Turk &: GO AWAY! Dr. Cox

Molly: Wow, you kinda harmonized on that. That was cool. It's funny, it's not about the argument anymore between you two -- it's a competition about who can be stubborn the longest. If you think about it, the real winner is gonna be who has the guts to apologize first.

Molly: Hm.

Turk &: I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY! Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: I'm sorry about the gallbladder thing this morning! Yes! I win!

Turk: DAMMIT!

Dr. Cox: It's just, you surgeons ride in here on your white horse and you save the day, and the best news that I ever get to give everybody, anybody, ever, is "Oh, by the way, ma'am, were you aware that that breathing tube you have in your neck also comes in day-glo pink?" Come on, look, bottom line: I really needed a win, I did. And I finally got one and you--ya--you stole it, man!

Turk: I needed one, too!

Janitor: Boo-hoo. Where's my win? Think anybody thanks me for cleaning bathrooms?

Turk: Janitor, the bathrooms are filthy.

Janitor: Well, no one was thanking me, so I quit cleaning 'em.

Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Do you realize if we could get a tight enough clamp around the bulb and then just--

Janitor: No, no, no, you'll break the thing!

Janitor: Look, here's the thing about lightbulbs, okay? They're structurally weak at the narrow end, but the round end is surprisingly strong.

Turk: So if we could get behind the bulb....

Janitor: I see where you're headed! We go down through the mouth!

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Your turn's over. All we need to do is thread an angioplasty balloon past the bulb, inflate it...

Dr. Cox &: ...and then pull. Turk

Janitor: ...pull it.

They look at each other.

Janitor: I concur.

EXAM ROOM

Dr. Cox: Doctor!

Turk: Doctor!

Dr. Cox: Doctor!

Janitor: Doctor!

Turk: Doctor!

Janitor: Nnooo.

I.C.U.

Nurse Roberts: Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of Morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I killed a man.

J.D.: Unbelievable, Doug.

Elliot: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients.

J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area.

Elliot: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.

J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you.

Elliot: Well, you don't have enough money.

J.D.: It just so happens I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area!

J.D.'s Thoughts: Got her!

Nurse Roberts: I hate to interrupt, but I think you need to take a look at this man.

J.D.: Elliot, he's in V-tach.

Elliot: Get the crash cart.

J.D.: We need a one milligram Epi.

J.D.'s Narration: The best thing about this place is that when someone's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away.

HALL

Turk: What are you doing?

Molly: Oh, um, I'm tired of trying to find my office, so I just set up shop here!

Turk: Oh! Okay, that's not weird. Look, I wanna apologize for my wife. She'd never admit it to you, but she likes to be the person around here who tells everybody what to do. Apparently she can't get enough of it at home. Right? [laughs] Right? [laughs] Wrong. Look: If every once in a while you could let her be the one to give the advice? You guys might end up being friends.

Molly: I can do that.

She looks at him.

Molly: And tell Carla that you did well.

Turk: [laughs] You truly underestimate how proud my wife is. If she knew I was here, she'd kill me.

Molly: All right.

Carla: What happened to the part about how much I help people around here?

Turk: Wait a second, she said I did well!

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Turtlehead! You're gonna wanna get a piece of this! Come on.

Turk: Where'd you get the coat?

Janitor: I earned it. Let's get our moment.

HALL / EXAM ROOM

Mr. Porter: Thanks for all the hard work, Bob.

Dr. Kelso: Glad to do it. Oh, and, uh, Bart, I think Lyle might be ready for that rough-sex-play talk you had with your other boys.

Dr. Kelso: Too late!

CAFETERIA

J.D.: Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago?

Elliot: [laughing] I know. Remember our first code?

J.D.: Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.

Elliot: That's the one.

J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.

NURSES' STATION

Nurse Roberts: Don't hang up, Lester.

Molly: You should talk to her. You know her better.

J.D.'s Narration: Or by swallowing your pride.

Carla: I know what you're doing. But I'm okay with it.

HALL / KELSO'S OFFICE

Dr. Cox: He's coming. He's coming! Get your ass out here!

J.D.'s Narration: Or by uniting against a moment-stealing common enemy who took credit for your ingenious method of de-bulbing a patient's keister!

Dr. Kelso: [sniffs] Good Lord!

CAFETERIA

J.D.'s Narration: In the end, though, it doesn't really matter how you get there. As long as you're friends again.

J.D.: I miss this. This, like, hanging out, you know?

Elliot: Me too.

J.D.: We should go get coffee.

Elliot: [chuckles] We're having coffee.

J.D.: No, no, I mean like, like outside coffee -- real world coffee.

She chuckles.

J.D.: The point is, we should...hang out outside the hospital sometime.

Elliot: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right way, but...you just do the best you can, okay?

J.D.: Is it fixed now?

Elliot: [off-screen] Nope.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Shoot!

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