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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Occurrence".

ActEdit


Turk and J.D.'s Apartment, Living Room -- Evening

Turk, Carla, J.D., and Elliot are sitting around in their finest, having a group date of sorts with wine and finger foods.

Turk: You ever notice how a tumor looks just like cheese?

Carla: Is that good cocktail conversation?

J.D.: I had this patient today, thought he had blood in his stool? Turned out to be pimento! [snickers]

Just then, Elliot eats a pimento-stuffed cocktail olive.

Carla: [disgusted] Mmgh.

J.D.: What?

Elliot: I worked on a homeless guy who vomited up an entire mitten. I mean, that's not gonna stop me from wearing mine when it's cold out!

Carla: What is wrong with you people? We have a good bottle of wine, we all look nice for once -- can we please talk about something other than work? Please?

There's a moment of silence as they try to come up with something not work-related.

Turk: Name an actress. J.D. could tell you which movie she appeared in naked.

Carla: I'm gonna go put on my pajamas. [to self, on her way to the bedroom] I can't believe I shaved my legs for this.

Elliot: [challenging J.D.] Drew Barrymore, Meg Ryan, _and_ Jennifer Connolly?

J.D.: [counting off on his fingers] 'Boys on the Side'; 'The Doors'; and as for Miss Connolly: topless in 'Inventing the Abbotts', bottomless in 'Requiem for a Dream', and in 'The Hot Spot', you gotta love her -- frontal and...tush-tush!

Carla: [whining from next room] Oh, my God!

Turk and J.D. snicker.

Turk: You da man.

J.D.'s Narration: That's the thing about best friends -- they just get each other.

Cut to...

Hospital, Exam Room -- The Next Day

Dr. Cox is locked in a happy embrace with a guy whom we later come to know as Ben.

Ben: [laughing] You usually get uncomfortable hugging a guy right about now.

Dr. Cox: [grinning] Bring it, baby.

Ben: [still laughing] This isn't gonna end well for you -- I used to wrestle in college!

He laughs some more, and gives Perry a wet kiss on the cheek.

Dr. Cox pulls back.

Dr. Cox: [laughing] Oh, for-- You broke the hug!

The joviality on pause, Dr. Cox gets to the business at hand.

Dr. Cox: So, you're working on a house, or what?

Ben: Yeah, I scored this big restoration job.

Ben notices J.D. hovering at the open door.

Ben: So, who's the, uh, fan club?

J.D. enters.

J.D.: Neat hug!

Dr. Cox: Newbie, no one likes a lookie-loo. Not now, not ever.

J.D. points at the two-by-four in Ben's hand.

J.D.: So, what's that, like your lucky board...or something?

Ben: Oh, that? No, it's a nail-gun accident.

Ben holds up the bloody board, very obviously nailed right to his hand.

J.D.: Oh, my God, that's disgusting!

Dr. Cox: I already dosed him with morphine, and the x-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d---

From J.D.'s perspective, the room begins to spin.

Dr. Cox: Oh, dear God, she's getting woozy! Quickly, show her the bloody side!

Ben holds the board up.

Ben: Look at that!

Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah!

J.D.: Oh....

Ben: Touch the nail!

Dr. Cox: Touch the nail!

Ben: Wanna touch it?

Dr. Cox: Touch it!

Ben: Touch the nail! Touch my nail! TOUCH IT! LICK THE TIP OF MY---!

J.D.: Ooooooooh!

Suddenly, the room goes black.

Dr. Cox: Good night!

Dr. Cox: [to Ben] Now, let's get you to a hand surgeon.

Ben: What about the tough guy?

Dr. Cox strips off his rubber glove and shoots it at J.D. on his way out of the room.

J.D.: Ow.

Dr. Cox: Somebody'll get her.

Following Dr. Cox, Ben leans over J.D. and waves the fingers of his nailed hand over the board.

Ben: Bye-bye!

J.D.: Oh, please don't.

SceneEdit

OPENING THEME

COMMERCIALS

SceneEdit

Admissions

J.D. is taking a breather in one of the chairs behind the desk. Carla hands him some orange juice.

J.D.: I can't get over it. I mean, who faints anymore? No one's fainted since the 'forties.

Carla: Well, it's okay -- you're just a doctor, you shouldn't have to _look_ at stuff like that.

J.D.: I was _surprised_. I don't like surprises.

There's a burst of light.

J.D.: Oh, my goodness!

Ben, his hand all bandaged after his surgery, has a Polaroid camera. He pulls the print out with his teeth.

Ben: Pictures capture moments in time.

Carla and J.D. try to recover heir vision.

J.D.: Ooh!

Ben: When they're posed, they're not real. You know, I hate that whole, like, "gneen!" thing. That's why, at a party, you'll see me in the bushes with my camera.

J.D.: You're a little weird, aren't you.

Ben: Just a little bit.

Dr. Cox leads Jordan over.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Ben, look what the cat tried to drag in right before it was skinned and eaten.

Ben: [trying to prompt a grin] "Eeh!"

He snaps Jordan's picture. No grin.

Jordan: You're still with the annoying camera?

Ben: Do you just skip the whole part where people say hello to each other?

Jordan: Hello, Benji. You look very pale.

Ben: [giggling] I miss the sweet talk!

Jordan: Maybe it's been too long. Maybe my feelings were hurt a little bit.

Dr. Cox: "Feelings." That's a good one.

Ben: Jordan, you're a big girl now. When you got the divorce, you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.

Jordan: Y-you're my brother!

Ben: Well, admittedly, that made it harder. [looking at her bitter photo] Oooooh, good one! [holding it in front of his face] "Me so cranky! Grrrrrr!"

SceneEdit

O.R.

A female surgeon and her team, Turk included, stand over the freshly-prepped patient.

Surgeon: Patient's name is Moe Weinberg. Cancer is confined to the right testicle. Dr. Turk will be assisting with the removal.

Turk readies his scalpel.

Turk: Sorry, Moe -- looks like you're about to either lose Larry or Curly!

The head surgeon gives him a look.

Turk: Starting the incision.

He leans in, but she stops him.

Surgeon: Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop.

Turk pulls back, confused.

Surgeon: I'm guessing Mr. Weinberg is Jewish?

Turk: Yeah. So?

Surgeon: Why isn't he circumcised?

The scene freezes.

J.D.'s Narration: A recent medical study found that a mistake is made on about twenty percent of all patients. Most of these are clerical and harmless, but, it still adds up to a lot of near misses.

The scene resumes.

Todd, scrubbed for surgery, bursts in the door.

Todd: Dr. Wen wants me to ask you if there could be a mix-up? Because our appendicitis patient, that dude doesn't have an appendix!

Surgeon: Oh, wait right here!

She rushes from the room.

Todd comes in to survey the situation in here.

Turk: Wowww.

Todd: I know. You know, we almost did-- [noticing the patient's exposed groin] Whoa! What's going on here!

SceneEdit

Private Patient's Room

A young blonde, Jill Tracy, is sitting up in the bed, talking on her cell phone.

Elliot hovers at the door until Jill waves her in.

Jill: [into phone] No, mom, I don't care what my third grade teacher is up to. Mmm-hmm? Uh-huh? Ah...and...scene. [hangs up, and happily addresses Elliot] How are you!?

Elliot: How are you?!? I haven't seen you since your breakdown!

Jill: Oh! [laughs] Which one!?

They laugh hysterically at the private joke.

Elliot: [regaining composure] Ohh.... Ooh!

She pulls up a chair and sits down.

Elliot: So, what's new?

Jill: The last time I saw you, I was really stressed out -- you know, the weight of the world on my shoulders.... So guess what I did.

Elliot: Quit your job!

Jill: Flushed my fish down the toilet! No more feedings, no more cleaning the bowl.... No more being judged for having a second glass of wine--

Elliot: Oh, don't even get me started on judgmental fish!

Jill: Uh-huh. But then _that_ sent me on this whole shame spiral, so I decided to travel. I got hit on in Venice! I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro! ...For about ten minutes -- it's very, very steep.... And _then_ I went to Florida to swim with the Dolphins!

Elliot: Ohhhhh....

Jill: And I don't mean the fish! There was an NFL thing going on at the hotel!

They burst into giggles again.

Elliot: [swatting Jill] Oh, you!

Jill: Oh, I almost forgot! I'm engaged!

Elliot squeals and Jill holds up her left hand...which is strangely naked.

Jill: Oh, right.... There used to be a ring there, but then my, uh, fiancé did some soul-searching, and we decided that it needed to be a...little more fancy.

Elliot: Oh, you have no idea how happy this makes me! I've been trying to figure out how to tell you the only reason you're vomiting and exhausted is...well...you're pregnant!

Jill: I'm what, now?

Elliot: Yeah, pregnant! Your fiancé is gonna be so happy!

Jill: My fiancé and I decided not to have sex until we were married.

Elliot: So he's not gonna be so happy.

Jill: More curious, really, than happy....

SceneEdit

Admissions

Jordan is with Ben as J.D. gives him some final care instructions for his hand.

J.D.: So, you're gonna wanna re-wrap the gauze when it gets soiled.

Jordan: Wow, re-wrap a dirty bandage. It's phenomenal how you doctors keep all this stuff in your head.

J.D.: You know, we don't -- it says it right there on the box.

Ben: [pointing to the bandage box] Yeah, see; look right there. Hey, don't be mean to him. You're mad at me.

Jordan: Yeah, because you shouldn't be doing contracting work. You. Are. Clumsy! That's why things like this keep happening.

Ben: They don't keep happening.

Jordan: How many times have you hurt yourself with that nail-gun?

Ben: Once.

Jordan: Oh, come on.

Ben: What? With that nail-gun? It's a new nail-gun. If it'd been any other nail-gun, then, yeah, the estimate would be slightly higher. [snickers]

Jordan: It's not funny!

Ben: You're pretty when you're mad.

Jordan: Ugh, you're so...

The bickering is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: I guess sibling rivalry never goes away. No matter how old you get.

      • Fantasy Sequence: Jordan starts to give Ben an "Indian Burn" on his arm.

Ben: What is this? That doesn't hurt.

She keeps rubbing.

Jordan: Mm-hmm.

Ben: Do'n't hurt. Do'n't hurt.

Jordan: Oh, really?

She rubs harder and then stands back as Ben's arm catches on fire. He stands there watching the flames.

Ben: Okay, it...kinda smarts a little bit.

He holds up his camera and snaps a picture of his flaming arm.

Ben: Jordan, I'll call you later, all right?

Jordan: Okay, fine. Forget it. Forget it.

She walks out, passing Perry on her way. She shoves him.

Jordan: You big jerk!

Dr. Cox approaches Ben.

Dr. Cox: Y'happen to remember when she used to be fun?

Ben: [scoffing] No.

Dr. Cox: Me neither.

J.D.: Me neither!

Dr. Cox: [sharp whistle] When spoken to, Newbie. When spoken to. Here, I thought we were clear on that one!

J.D.: [muttering] Yeah, we were....

Dr. Cox: Hey, Ben, you realize we haven't grabbed a beer in a couple of weeks -- what's that about?

J.D.'s Thoughts: You know, he's never asked me to grab a beer. But I don't care....

Dr. Cox: Newbie? Would you like to come?

J.D.: Oh, God, yes.

Cut to...

Bar

The guys clink their beer bottles together.

J.D.: To buddies!

Dr. Cox: What in the hell do you think you're doing!? You can't drink beer, you're our driver! That's why we brought you to begin with.

Ben: It's just not right. You know, I'm gonna drink this for both of us.

He takes J.D.'s bottle and clinks it with Perry's.

Dr. Cox: Cheers.

SceneEdit

Doctor's Lounge

Turk and Todd are on the couch.

Turk: I can't stop thinking about Mr. Weinberg's testicles.

Todd: Duuude.

Turk: I mean, I almost removed one of them, Todd!

Todd: Which one?

Turk: Like it matters.

Todd: Oh, it matters!

Dr. Kelso enters, with the ubiquitous Ted the Lawyer in tow.

Dr. Kelso: Bye, Todd.

Todd: Okay!

Todd takes off.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I heard about your mishap earlier today, but here's the skinny: If that patient finds out what happened because you can't reign in your yapper, then heads are going to roll. And I promise you yours and Ted's will be the first to go!

Lawyer: What did I do?

Turk: Consider my lips sewn shut, sir. Which, in this hospital, could actually happen!

Dr. Kelso: Young man! At Sacred Heart, we _do_ _not_ make mistakes!

Cut to...

Hall

Elliot is racing through, dodging various staffers.

Elliot: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!--

Meanwhile...

Jill Tracy's Room

Jill is on her cell phone.

Jill: [into phone] Tim, sweetie, I wouldn't have slept with someone else if I didn't love you so much!

Elliot races in.

Elliot: --no! No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop! Take the phone...!

Jill: [into phone] Hold on one second. Ho--ho--hold on!

She takes the phone away and looks at Elliot.

Jill: Hi!

Elliot: Hi! Your last name is Tracy! [overdrive] Well, of course, you know your last name is Tracy, but what you don't know is there's a woman down in 308 whose _first_ name is Tracy. So I started thinking about your urine sample, and how you always carry that water bottle with you and stay very well-hydrated -- which is why your pee is a much lighter color than most people's pee. And then I remembered the sample that came back with your name on it was bright yellow and the other Tracy [chuckles] she is not much of a water drinker...which is why I think her skin looks so pasty---

Jill: Okay, sweetie, I'ma need you to get to the point.

Elliot: You're not pregnant! The lab tech just switched the samples!

Jill: You're killin' me.... [back to her phone] Hey, Sweetie! You know I was just jokin' about all that stuff, right?

SceneEdit

Bar

The guys are shooting pool.

J.D. and Ben pass the time while Dr. Cox takes his shot.

Ben: Kim Basinger.

J.D.: Please, '9 1/2 Weeks'. Winona Ryder.

Ben: Never naked, but just hand-to-nipple in 'How to Make an American Quilt'.

J.D.: Aww! Good! At last, a worthy foe!

Dr. Cox: Oh, chalk boy....

He holds his cue out at J.D.

J.D.: [derisively] "Chalk boy"....

J.D. thoroughly chalks the tip.

Dr. Cox: Gladys? If you could chalk it without pleasuring it, that'd be terrific.

Ben begins to giggle.

Dr. Cox: What?

Ben: [still giggling] I know you're going for that gruff doctor routine--

Dr. Cox: Uh-huh.

Ben: --but it just comes off sounding like a cartoon pirate. [pirate accent, with the strong "R"s and all] "Arrr, Gladys! Chalk it! Don't pleasure it! Arrr!"

J.D.: [joining in on the fun with the accent] "Arrr! There's a _____, Newbie! Break it up!---"

Dr. Cox threateningly jabs the end of his cue against J.D.'s jugular.

Dr. Cox: Are ya done?

J.D.: Yeah, I'm d--I'm done.

Dr. Cox: [whiny voice] Yeah, I think y'are, too.

Ben: Come on, let him have a little fun.

Dr. Cox: All right, Clara, you can go ahead and order yourself a Cosmopolitan; we'll just grab a cab home.

J.D.: [slurring] Actually, Ben has been sneaking me beers all night, and I'm quite drunk.

He grins at Dr. Cox and makes a weird, high-pitched gloating noise.

Dr. Cox: Well, that's just great.

Ben leans over to set up his shot, allowing Dr. Cox to notice his bloody bandage.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Ben, what...why is this hand still bleeding?

Ben: I dunno. Sorta weird, 'cause I cut myself shaving last week and it wouldn't stop bleeding.

As he takes his shot, Dr. Cox and J.D. exchange a look.

J.D.'s Narration: One of the things that sucks about being a doctor is that you never miss a red flag.

Dr. Cox: Could I have you over here for two seconds, just---

He reaches up to feel the lymph nodes in Ben's neck.

Cut to...

The Hospital

Dr. Cox is feeling Ben's neck there, too.

Ben: What the hell are you doing to me?

Dr. Cox: Just humor me. It's probably mono, anyway.

Ben: Isn't that the "Kissing Disease"?

Dr. Cox: Yeah.

Ben: Score!

Dr. Cox releases Ben, and takes J.D. aside.

Dr. Cox: Your only job today is to get his test results back, you understand?

Ben: Hey, guys!

They look over to him, and get a big flash in the eyes. The resulting picture is not happy.

Ben: See? Now that's real!

SceneEdit

Cafeteria

J.D., Turk, Carla, and Elliot are gathered at a table, having lunch.

Elliot: So, turns out she wasn't really pregnant after all, 'cause some idiot mislabeled her urine sample!

Turk: I was a heartbeat away from giving an appendix patient a crotch lobotomy! If I do my best, and I lose a patient? You know what, I can live with that. But if a clerical error is the reason why a guy's walking around here with only the lonely?--

Elliot's eyes widen as she decides not to eat the cherry tomato on the end of her fork.

Turk: --Well, damn! That don't sit well with the Big Dog!

J.D.'s beeper goes off. He gets up.

J.D.: I'm with you, Big Dog.

They give each other five as J.D. takes off.

Cut to...

Hall

J.D. approaches a door.

J.D.'s Narration: I was paged because Ben's blood-work was finally ready. Unfortunately, the chart wasn't in the out-box. I'd knock, but the hematopathologist is the meanest, intern-hatingest monster in this hospital.

      • Fantasy Sequence: Doug approaches the hematopathologist's door.

Doug: [steeling himself] Don't be a chicken. If you need something, just go in and get it.

He goes in.

Doug: Uh, excuse me, sir?

After an otherworldly screech from inside the room, a mass of blood splashes against the window in the door, and Doug's hand grapples at the glass.

Doug: Aggghhh! I'll...come back...later.

J.D.'s Narration: The truth is, the hematopathologist was the last person in this hospital I wanted to deal with.

He turns around to leave, and runs right into the Janitor.

J.D.: [startled] OH! Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time!?

Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you! I follow you around all day! I only got about an hour-and-a-half worth of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you...like an animal.

J.D.: You're kidding, right?

Janitor: Haha.... I don't know? Am I? Hmm....

He walks off.

J.D. glances over, to find Ben's test result now occupying the previously empty out-box.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What? How did that get there? Come on, good news.

He opens the file and reads.

Carla passes.

Carla: Hey, Bambi.

J.D. ignores her, continuing to stare at the file.

Carla: Are you okay?

He turns the file to show her.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Leukemia.

J.D.: No.

SceneEdit

COMMERCIALS

SceneEdit

Hall

J.D. walks through in a daze.

J.D.'s Narration: When you have to deliver horrible news to someone, the walk to their door can seem like an eternity.

      • Fantasy Shot: The hallway stretches out before him.

Cut to...

Ben's Room

Dr. Cox is in a chair at Ben's bedside with a deck of cards.

Ben startles the nurse who has come in to check his file by snapping her picture. She leaves.

Ben: Thank you, nice nurse!

Dr. Cox: [laughing] Ben? Why?

Ben: 'Cause it's my thing. You're just jealous you don't have a thing.

Dr. Cox: I _had_ a thing -- I used to like to hike, but Jordan somehow got that in the divorce, too.

Ben: [laughing] She got your hobby? That's vindictive!

Dr. Cox: Look, Ben, I know I am prone to making the occasional casual reference to your sister being a, well, a wire-haired man-goblin--

They both crack up.

Dr. Cox: --but I hope that has no effect on your relationship with her.

Ben: That's really very sweet of you to think that you're that important.

Dr. Cox passes half the deck of cards to Ben.

Dr. Cox: Draw on "three."


Ben: Okay.

Dr. Cox: One. Two. Three, draw.

It appears that they're playing "Indian Poker," where each player draws a card, and places it face-up against their forehead so other players can see it, but the drawer cannot see his own card. Judging by others' cards, bids are then placed as to who has the highest card.

Ben has drawn a three, which he's actually able to stick against his moist forehead. Perry's got a two.

Dr. Cox: Oh, hohohoho! You are in serious trouble! [laughs]

Ben: What? What??

He notices J.D. at the door with the file.

Ben: Hey, new friend!

Dr. Cox: Oh, Janice! Are those the test results we've been waiting for?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait a sec. First Turk's patient, then Elliot's.... This is a mistake, I just--I feel it in my gut -- I'm sure of it!

Dr. Cox: Hellooo? Janice?

J.D.: Uhhh, no, this is someth-- You know that lab is just--it's backed up again? And so I'm gonna--it's--you know, a little while.

Dr. Cox: All right, terrific to see ya. Good bye!

Ben: Go!

Cut to...

Hall

J.D. and Turk are approaching an administration desk.

Turk: Yeah, I know who screwed this up. It's that same lazy-ass admitting nurse that mixed up my files. And there she is! I'm gonna go get her.

J.D.: Turk, I can fight my own battles, man.

Turk: You're not gonna write her one of your angry notes, are you? 'Cause she doesn't deserve it.

J.D.: No, I lost my thesaurus.

Turk: Okay, well you go get her, then!

He smacks J.D. on the butt to propel him to the window where the nurse is on the phone.

J.D.: Hello...[looks at her badge]...Nancy. Hi, how--

She holds her index finger up to him. He persists.

J.D.: Yeah, could you just check--it's a very important file that I--

Nancy: [testily clears throat] You know what? This actually means "in a minute"!

She goes back to the person on the phone.

Turk: Tag me in. I am oiled up and ready to go!

J.D.: She said "in a minute," so I'm sure that in a minute--

Nancy holds up two fingers.

J.D.: Oh, now it's two! You're in.

Turk: Thank you....

Turk hits the hang-up switch.

Turk: Look here: My friend needs you to check on the Ben Sullivan file, and you're gonna do it right now. Why? Because you're not gonna drop the ball like you did on my patient.

She clears her throat and gets up to follow the demand.

J.D.: You said "drop the ball."

Turk: [laughs] I know! That was totally by accident!

They laugh, and then turn back to the window all business.

Turk: Chop-chop, Nancy!

J.D.: Rapido!

Nancy: Eek!

SceneEdit

Hall

J.D. is returning from his rumble with Nancy.

He's apprehended by Ted the Lawyer.

Lawyer: Hey...there...buddy.... How is my...best friend...doing?

J.D.: You and I hardly know each other.

Lawyer: [whispering] These aren't my words.

He ushers J.D. into the elevator, where Dr. Kelso is waiting with a smile like a cat eyeing a canary.

Dr. Kelso: Hello, Dr. Dorian. Let's take a ride.

The doors close, and the car starts to move.

Dr. Kelso: So.... Word has it you've been doing a little fishing in these here parts trying to catch yourself a big ol' prize-winning mistake.

J.D.: No, sir, I just---

Dr. Kelso: I was sure your little buddy in Surgery would have shared with you my most important rule here at Sacred Heart. Tell him my most important rule, Ted.

Lawyer: "Too much ha-ha, pretty soon boo-hoo."

Dr. Kelso: My _other_ rule.

Lawyer: Uh, "If you don't look for a mistake, you can't find one."

Dr. Kelso: That's right, Teddy-bear. Now.... Stop looking for trouble just because you like this patient, and face the facts!

The elevator stops and the doors open.

Dr. Kelso: Remove him, Ted.

Ted ushers J.D. to the door with some final hushed words:

Lawyer: That "Ha-ha" rule is true!

SceneEdit

Lab

J.D. and Elliot are following Franklyn the Lab Tech through, out into the hall.

J.D.: I'm just asking you to check, Franklyn, and see if you could've made a mistake.

Franklyn: Look, I've worked here seven years, and never made a single mistake!

Elliot: You mixed up my patients' urine samples yesterday!

Franklyn: Okay, I make lots of mistakes. But I really have to go to the bathroom right now, and after that I'm going to lunch.

He zips into the Men's Room.

J.D.: Franklyn!

J.D. turns to Elliot.

J.D.: Can you help me out here?

Elliot: What do you want me to do, cry?

J.D.: Can you do that?

Elliot: Sure. Gimme a second to think of something sad.

She takes a second. There's the sound of a toilet flushing.

J.D.: Quickly! Quickly!

Elliot: Okay, that's not helping!

J.D.: I'm sorry, I shouldn't even put you in this position. I---

Elliot: [emotional] Oh, there we go. You know, another man in my life trying to protect me.

J.D.: Stay with it, Elliot....

Elliot: [choking up] I mean, everyone thinks that I'm just this little girl who can't take any criticism because her mom and dad give her nothing but criticism.

J.D.: Good, Elliot, this is good....

Elliot: And look where it's gotten me! You know, I'm 26, single, and all I do is work! You know, I may as well just give up the idea of being a healthy and...happy relationship, and just go ahead and.... And.... And....

J.D.: ...become your mother....

Elliot: Yeah!

She begins sobbing, just as Franklyn comes out of the bathroom.

Elliot: [crying] Check Mr. Sullivan's tests again!

Franklyn: Okay!

He runs off. Elliot takes a few seconds for some final sobs and then turns to J.D. victoriously.

Elliot: How cool was that!

SceneEdit

Doctor's Lounge

J.D. is on the couch with Ben's file.

Carla enters.

Carla: Why so sad, Bambi?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Because so far, no one's screwed up.

J.D.: The admissions clerk office, he didn't make a mistake, and the lab technician didn't make a mistake. Maybe I'm just an idiot, I don't know.

Carla: Let me ask you something.

She sits down on the couch very closely next to J.D.

Carla: You're kind of a boob guy, right?

J.D.: [nervous] Excuse me?

Carla: I can tell, because I've seen you look at mine. Um, not in a sleazy way, or anything....

J.D.: I think this is the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had!

Carla: You wanna touch one?

J.D.: I stand corrected! You're my best friend's girlfriend!

Carla: Ah, so your instinct is to pass on this fantastic one-time offer?

J.D.: I'm afraid so....

Carla: I'm up here, Bambi.

J.D.: Oh, sorry.

Carla: See, with Ben it's one of two things: Either your instincts are right, or your brain is trying to protect you from something. I'd say you have pretty good instincts. Trust them.

J.D.: Well, what am I supposed to do, though?

Carla: You know there's only one more person to talk to.

J.D.'s Thoughts: The Hematopathologist.

Cut to...

Darkened Lab

J.D. nervously enters.

A crack of thunder and lightning accompany the ominous silhouette cast against the curtain on the other side of the room.

J.D.: Hello?

A tiny bespectacled man emerges from behind the curtain.

Hematopathologist: Call me Dr. Bob.

J.D.: You go by your first name?

Hematopathologist: No, first name's Fred.

J.D.: "Fred Bob"?

Hematopathologist: What can I do you for?

J.D.: Hi, I w--I was hoping that you could recheck Ben Sullivan's blood smear.

Hematopathologist: Well, that depends, young man. Do you actually think I made a mistake, or do you just wish I did?

J.D.: I kinda wish you did.

Hematopathologist: [smiling kindly] Then I'll do it.

SceneEdit

Hospital Exterior -- Night

J.D. is leaned on the railing getting some air.

Ben comes out, and snaps his picture, alarming the large, black, security guard patrolling the area.

Ben: Whoa! Sorry, there, giant, 'seventies security guard...guy.

He goes over to the rail with J.D.

Ben: Cold out here, huh?

J.D.: Yes!

Ben: Argh! You could hang a freakin' raincoat off my nipples.... Left one at least, only the right one's just a little shy.

J.D.: Sticking with the "weird" thing, huh?

Ben: It works for me.

J.D. laughs.

Ben: Listen, um, you guys wouldn't be keeping me here if there wasn't something potentially wrong with me, would you?

J.D.: No, we wouldn't.

There's a brief silence as this is considered.

Ben: Hey! I wanted to ask you, um, how come this guy's always, like, following you in the pictures?

He pulls out a couple prints of J.D., where the Janitor is skulking in the background.

J.D.: Oh, my God....

Ben turns to another similar picture.

Ben: [pointing] Him.

Ben: You want to see the rest of the pictures I took today?

J.D.: Yeah.

Guided By Voices' "Hold on Hope" comes up as Ben takes out a tin of pictures.

Ben: Look at that one.

J.D. flips through the different candid prints of his friends.

J.D.: [laughs] These are good, man!

Meanwhile, the hematopathologist runs the tests.

More pictures are looked at as the results are delivered.

J.D. retrieves them, and calls to Ben outside.

J.D.: Ben, good news, man!

Ben comes back inside, where the whole gang are gathered. The scene has a shiny, happy tone.

Ben: Hey, J.D., let's get a picture together.

J.D.: Okay.

Ben: Come on. [whistles]

J.D. focuses the camera as everyone happily crowds around Ben to pose for a picture.

J.D.'s Thoughts: It was weird how everyone had come to see Ben off.

Ben: Everybody in?

J.D.'s Narration: After all, he had only been here one day, and there wasn't even anything wrong with him.

After the happy photo is taken, everyone heads back to work. J.D. hands the camera back to Ben.

J.D.: Wait, why would you want a picture like that? I thought you said that posed pictures aren't real?

Ben: Come on, J.D. None of this is real. You know that.

J.D.: What do you mean?

Ben: Think about it.

      • Flashback: The Elevator

Dr. Kelso: Stop looking for trouble just because you like this patient, and face the facts!

      • Flashback: The Doctor's Lounge

Carla: Either your instincts are right, or your brain is trying to protect you from the truth.

      • Flashback: The Darkened Lab

Hematopathologist: Do you actually think I made a mistake, or do you just wish I did?

J.D.: I kinda wish you did.

Ben gives J.D. a wink and a smile.

Suddenly, the music stops, and we're jerked back to...

Ben's Room

J.D. stands in the doorway with a file.

Dr. Cox and Ben have their Indian Poker cards on their foreheads.

Dr. Cox: [sharp whistle] Janice!

Ben: Over here, big guy.

Dr. Cox: Let's try this again: Are those the test results?

J.D.: Uh, yeah.

He pauses.

Dr. Cox gives Ben a reassuring wink.

J.D.: Ben, you have leukemia.

Ben raises his brow in shock...and his card falls off.

He takes a moment to absorb this information, as does Dr. Cox, who swallows hard.

Ben: Well, that sucks.

J.D.: ...Yeah....

The song reprises: "Everybody's gotta hold on hope. It's the last thing that's holdin' me."


TO BE CONTINUED

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