Open: Admissions Area. Carla is holding and petting a hamster.
Carla: Ohh, what a cutie. Where did this little guy come from?
J.D.: Doug found him in some dead guy's colon.
(Carla throws the hamster up in the air. J.D. catches it.)
J.D.: Hey little guy. Doug's still pretty upset about the whole thing.
(Doug is cowering behind the counter.)
Doug: Why would he live in there?
Turk: Diseased rodent should be nowhere near my pregnant princess.
J.D.'s Narration: Carla being pregnant had changed everyone. It made Dr. Kelso softer.
(Dr. Kelso enters.)
Dr. Kelso: Ahh, I think the children in pediatrics would love this little fella. Ha ha!
(Dr. Kelso takes the hamster from J.D. Cut to Nurses' Station.)
J.D.'s Narration: Carla's pregnancy also affected Elliot.
Elliot: OK, so we're both off in a few minutes. Here's what's going to happen. We're heading back to my place.
Keith: Oh, yeah?
Elliot: I'm going to put on something very naughty.
Elliot: And then we're going to have sex and pretend that we aren't using protection and that we're trying to make a baby.
Elliot: Keith, we're doing this. I need it.
(Cut to ICU. J.D. enters in an expensive suit.)
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I bought a custom-made Italian suit.
J.D.: Eh? What do you think? I had it made for the christening. That little mixed-race embryo got a godfather yet?
Turk: J.D., that's something we have to discuss as a couple.
(Turk points to J.D. and mouths "you" behind Carla.)
Carla: You know what, I'm not sure that suit works on you.
J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla. [to camera] But I'm much more interested in what you all think.
(Cut to interns.)
Lonnie: We don't love it.
J.D.: Well, who cares, Lonnie. [to camera] Because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
(Cut to tailor.)
Americo: [Italian accent] For the last time, it's Americo. And of course I love it. I made it!
J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor. Not sure why he's here.
Carla: You better put your scrubs on, Herbert's back.
(Herbert, a very obese man, is wheeled into the ICU.)
J.D.: How you doing, buddy?
J.D.'s Narration: Because of his weight, Herbert was a frequent visitor and no one liked treating him.
(Three orderlies heft Herbert onto a bed.)
J.D.'s Narration: He wasn't a mean thing. See, with big people, even the simple stuff is more difficult. I didn't mind, because Herbie was my man.
(J.D. enters Herbert's room.)
J.D.: How you feeling, love bug?
Herbert: Fully loaded. Hey, it's time for my sponge bath, right? I need three girls...
J.D.: [interrupting] Herbie, it's not a bath house.
(Cut to ICU. J.D. (now in scrubs) is talking to a man whose face is covered in bandages.)
J.D.: We'll get those bandages off later today, Mr. Brooks, all right
Mr. Brooks: Mmhmm.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] OK, as you all know, Sacred Heart is dealing with a mountain of malpractice lawsuits, courtesy of bumbling interns, clueless doctors and hack surgeons, or as like to refer to them, you people. Now since Sweaty Teddy here backs up his infinitesimal knowledge of the law with absolutely zero knowledge of medicine, one of you is going to have to help him go through the claims, decipher the medical stuff and somehow relay all of that into his tiny, peanut brain. Ted, how many times did I insult you during that speech? I was shooting for five.
Ted: Only three unless you count "Sweaty Teddy" as an insult, but my mom calls me that and she loves me, right?
Dr. Cox: No, Ted, she hates you. Four. Now since Ted has no life, and that's five, I'm going to let him hand-select his very own victim. Ted?
Ted: I'll take Claire!
Claire: Oh, God.
Ted: You turned me down fourteen times for drinks. Well, who's the creepy loser now, huh?
J.D.'s Narration: And just like that, I had the chance to comfort Claire.
J.D.: You look like you need to be rescued.
(J.D. puts his arm around Claire, who smiles.)
J.D.'s Narration: Life was good, but then came a surprise visit from my brother, and a round of the game he likes to call "Watch her leave."
(Dan enters with a bouquet of flowers.)
Dan: There's no easy way to say this. We've got the crabs.
Dan: Oh, she was cute.
J.D.: Yes, she was, Dan. Thank you. [to camera] We'll be right back.
Patient: Was he talking to us?
Carla: Don't know, don't care. Here, take this.
J.D.: So, Dan. To what do we owe this...something?
Dan: I had to blow out of town. Mom doinked her new boyfriend and then goaded him into getting me a job interview where he works. Yuhh.
J.D.: Well, you know, Mom does what she has to do.
Dan: What do I need with a full time job? I got a sweet setup and home, I got this sweet bed up in Mom's attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon, rest his soul, and because I'm the senior bartender at K-Diggs, I get to take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you.
Dr. Cox: Dan, do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?
(Dr. Cox exits.)
Dan: That does not count as a formal hello, Coxsmith.
J.D.: Don't call him Coxsmith.
Dan: I call him Coxsmith.
J.D.: Well, OK.
Dan: So what's new around here?
Turk: Carla's pregnant.
Dan: Dude, bummer.
Turk: No, we're trying to have kids.
Dan: Oh, congratulations. That's great. Not really a big kid person. Are you guys totally, uh, freaking out?
Carla & Turk: [in unison] Nah...
J.D.'s Narration: And they weren't. They were taking it all in stride.
(Cut to hallway.)
Carla: OK, here's how I think we should name our baby. It's what my parents did. If it's a girl, I get to pick the name. If it's a boy, you pick the name.
Carla: I like "Angie" for a girl.
Turk: And if it's a boy, say hello to Fu'Kwan! Wassup!
Carla: OK, you know what? I think we should pick the names together.
Turk: OK. Because I was thinking, you know, for a girl...
Carla: [interrupting] Sweetie, we already have a girl's name. And for a boy, why not name him after your cousin?
Carla: Turk, I'm begging you to stop telling people that, no one believes you.
Turk: Well tell that to the last two women I slept with before you, OK? Sha-boing. Boing.
(Carla hits him.)
Turk: Oh, God.
Carla: I'm talking about your other cousin, George.
Turk: I like that.
Turk: George and Angie, all right.
Carla: Oh, and if you mention the names to anyone, they'll ruin them for us, so don't tell anyone, OK? No one.
(Cut to Herbert's room.)
J.D.: What's up my negro amigo?
J.D.: Hey, I paged you because I can't figure out what's going on with Herbert. He's got acute back pain and no cauda equina signs.
Turk: If we have a girl, we're gonna name her Angie.
Dan: Hey, Chris. If there was a test to see of your baby was gay would you do it?
(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Carla is having an ultrasound. The doctor plays a recording of "Macho Man" by The Village People. The baby is dancing on the ultrasound.)
Carla: Oh, sweetie, he's...
Turk: [interrupting] Extremely, yes. And I'm OK with it.)
Dan: Anyway, Elliot wasn't in the lab.
Turk: Oh, she's at home.
J.D.: Oh, you know what, I'll be done in a couple of seconds. We'll find her.
Dan: OK. Hi, Herbert.
Herbert: Keep it cool, man.
Dan: Dan train. Woo woo!
J.D.: Thanks a lot, dude.
J.D.: That Dan train used to hook up with Elliot.
Herbert: So? Man, your boy J.D.'s been telling him that Elliot still likes him.
J.D.: Doctor-patient confidentiality goes both ways, Mr. I-Prefer-My-Temperature-Taken-Through-the-Back-Door.
Herbert: What? I mean it tickles.
J.D.: Look, Dan doesn't exactly have the world by the tail, OK? Every time he calls me all depressed, the only thing I can think of to cheer him up was to say "Elliot still digs you." I'm just trying to find a way to make him feel good about himself, you know?
Turk: If we have a boy, we're gonna name him George.
J.D.: What about Tiger?
Herbert: Hey, man, where'd your brother go, anyway?
J.D.: Oh boy.
(J.D. picks up his phone.)
J.D.: [on phone] Call Elliot...call Elliot...No. N -- Call Elliot...got her...
(Cut to Elliot's apartment - bedroom. The phone rings. Elliot picks it up and hangs up without answering.)
Elliot: We don't want any distractions while we're trying to make a baby.
Keith: OK, you gotta stop saying that.
Elliot: Keith, we're role-playing, all-right? This is not real, now let's just do this!
Keith: All right.
Elliot: Promise me you'll hold me like this when I'm pushing your baby out my bajingo?
Keith: All right, I'm putting on a third condom.
(The phone rings again. Elliot answers it.)
(Cut to living room. The doorbell rings. Elliot, wearing lingerie, goes to the door.)
Elliot: [on phone] No, J.D., I'm not going to act like I want to bone your brother, I'm telling him the truth.
(Elliot hangs up and answers the door.)
Dan: Hey, Elliot's wearing lingerie.
Elliot: Hey, Dan, J.D. told me you were coming. Um, this is Keith. I'm sure you're a little disappointed.
Dan: Yeah, I'm in. [to Keith] I go first.
(Dan walks into the bedroom and takes off his shirt.
Elliot: Yeah b- um...
Keith: Elliot, you have to ask me about things like this.
Elliot: And that is the father of my fake baby.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Jordan: Ugh. I gotta go down to Jack's preschool. Apparently Seymour was teasing him, so he punched him in the face.
Dr. Cox: Do Seymour's parents have to go down there?
Jordan: I doubt it. They're turtles.
Dr. Kelso: Count yourself lucky. My son just sent me a picture of himself sitting on the lap of his new boyfriend, Winston.
(Dr. Kelso shows them a picture.)
Dr. Cox & Jordan: [in unison] Huh.
Jordan: Why are they dressed up as Tonto and the Lone Ranger?
Dr. Kelso: Well I'd like to tell you they're going to a costume party, but apparently those are their jammies.
Dr. Cox: Come on, look on the bright side. He is like the daughter that you never had, only gay and unsuccessful.
Dr. Kelso: Ha! Tell me about it!
(Jordan exits. Dr. Kelso gives Dr. Cox a nasty look.)
Dr. Cox: It's so funny the way kids are, isn't it? Ha ha ha! You never know how it's going to go.
(J.D. enters, looking very edgy.)
J.D.'s Narration: Now that Dan knew that Elliot wasn't in to him, my focus had shifted from keeping him away from her, to avoiding him so he doesn't kill me.
(J.D. enters Mr. Brooks' room.)
J.D.: Hey, Mr. Brooks, let's get these bandages off you.
(J.D. begins unwrapping the bandages.)
J.D.: What are you doing here?
Janitor: Mr. Brooks wanted some safety tips on how to safely operate propane heaters.
J.D.: As long as you're not my brother.
Janitor: I had a brother once. Well, I shouldn't say once, he's still my brother. My parents adopted him when I was about 12. He was about 46. Actually older than my parents. His name was Cleat. And he talked like this. [with accent] Howsitgoin? Howsitgoin? [normally] Good kid. Did what they said. Make the bed, mop the floor, sweep the lawn, whatever had to be done. Everything was good till he was in his fifties, and then, wow, did he have a midlife crisis. Him and my dad fought constantly. And I mean, really, physically beating on each other. But I don't blame him for it though. I blame my mom for sleeping with him. That's just out of line.
Janitor: Anyway, the reason I'm telling you this is because your brother told me that if I could keep you focused on me, he would let me watch.
J.D.: Watch what?
('Mr. Brooks' turns out to be Dan.)
Dan: Hey, little brother.
(Dan tackles him.)
(Cut to Pediatrics.)
Carla: I can't believe those kids are playing with that dead guy's butt hamster.
Turk: That is disgusting.
(Turk and Carla exit.)
Girl: It's my turn to hold Angie.
(Turk and Carla enter.)
Carla: What did she call that thing?
Turk: Uh, baby, we should go.
Carla: Ah-ah...[to girl] Where did you come up with that name?
(Flashback. J.D. is playing with the hamster in pediatrics.)
J.D.: I guess I could help you name her. Let's see. It's a girl hamster, what about Angie?
Girl: I love it!
J.D.: Me too. Angie, guys?
J.D.: Angie it is.
(End flashback. Carla rounds on Turk. Cut to Mr. Brooks' room. Turk enters.)
Turk: Hold his arms!
(Janitor and Dan hold J.D.'s arms.)
J.D.: Wait, Turk, it was an accident, OK? The name just popped into my head!
Turk: Shut up!! You just shut up right now! Pink belly.
J.D.: No! Turk!
(Turk lifts J.D.'s shirt and slaps his belly repeatedly in fast motion while J.D. screams.)
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, Turk was the greatest pink-bellyer in all the land.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repugnant as of late. Dare I say, I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Perry, you're so edgy and cantakerous, you're like House without the limp.
Dr. Cox: Ohh...
(Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox enter Ted's office.)
Dr. Kelso: Ted, I've decided this project is over the head of the that pretty little lady, there, so Dr. Cox will replacing her.
Claire: That was the longest three hours of my life.
Ted: Call me!
Ted: Tell you what she's not good at. Staring contests.
Dr. Cox: Why, Bob?
Dr. Kelso: Why the hell not?
(Cut to Herbert's room.)
J.D.: So, Herbert, how you doing with your diet, man?
Herbert: The best I could do, man. How's your tummy?
J.D.: Uh, Turk was so proud of his handiwork that he signed it.
(J.D. lifts his shirt. His belly is pink and has Turk's signature on it in permanent marker.)
J.D.: I think he knows it's so painful I won't be able to wash it for some time.
(Herbert indicates J.D. and Dan.)
Herbert: Hey, man, y'all two OK?
J.D.'s Narration: Actually, we were. Because the way the whole brother thing works, now that Dan had beaten me up, it was all over.
Dan: WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT ELLIOT?!
J.D.'s Narration: Or not.
J.D.: Oh, come on, man, a girl like Elliot could never be into somebody like you.
Dan: Why wouldn't she be into me?
J.D.'s Narration: The obvious response was that Elliot was looking for a guy with more going on in his life. And the only way to gently break that to my brother was this:
J.D.: Elliot wants to have kids right now, and she knows you're not ready.
Herbert: Hey, man, don't worry about it, man, he bought it. It's cool.
Open: Hallway: J.D. is running through.
J.D.'s Narration: I have to Elliot before my brother, Dan, does.
(Cut to Herbert's room.)
Elliot: Herbert, I'm afraid your back pain might involve your spinal cord, so we need to get you an MRI. Now where is my pen?
(Elliot shuts the door just as J.D. is about to run in.)
J.D.: Elliot! Elliot!
(J.D. runs into the door and falls over. Elliot opens it again.)
Elliot: 'Sup, J.D.?
J.D.: My brother is on his way up. You have to tell him that the only reason you don't want to be with him is because he doesn't want kids right now.
Elliot: J.D., just tell him the truth.
J.D.: Elliot, the last time I was honest with Dan about his life it just made him feel like crap. And he didn't talk to me again until our dad died. Do you really want me to do that? Because I'm not sure what would get us back together this time. Dad can't die again.
Dan: What's going on, guys?
(Cut to Ted's office. Ted is staring at Dr. Cox. Dr. Cox is staring in the other direction.)
Dr. Cox: I am not having a staring contest with you, Ted.
Ted: OK, one-nothing me, oh yeah. Yeah. OK, back to work. OK, this next patient claims their s-s-stent was implanted incorrectly. What's a stent?
Dr. Cox: A tube that holds arteries open.
Ted: All right. And, what's a Buckland?
Dr. Cox: It's a predominantly hairless growth that is never found on women.
(Dr. Cox shows Ted his name plate.)
Dr. Cox: It's your last name, Ted.
Ted: Good one.
(Cut to hospital entrance. J.D., Elliot and Dan exit.)
Dan: So, uh, you got the baby fever, huh?
Elliot: Yup, heh. Hopefully I'm already pregnant with Keith's child.
Keith: Oh, come on! I'm 25 and I haven't even been to Europe!
Elliot: Keith, wait!
(Elliot chases after Keith.)
Dan: I got a good feeling about those two. Well, I'm off.
J.D.: All right, man. Say hi to Mom for me.
Dan: Yup. Get my stuff.
J.D.'s Narration: And like that, he was gone.
(Cut to Admissions Area.)
Turk: You know what name I've always liked for a girl? Honor.
Carla: Turk, you know how mean boys are. They'd be all like "I got Honor, did you get Honor?"
Turk: Yeah, everybody got Honor. She's easy.
(Carla hits Turk.)
Carla: It's your daughter.
Turk: Yes, it is.
Carla: It's just weird. Angie was perfect, now nothing seems as good.
(Dr. Kelso enters with a brown bag.)
Turk: What you got there, sir?
Dr. Kelso: Dead hamster.
Turk: Angie's dead? Baby, we got our name back!
Janitor: Sir, if no one's officially called dibs?
Dr. Kelso: Take it, freak.
(Dr. Kelso gives Janitor the bag and exits.)
Janitor: What? I'm making a hamster vest for one of my squirrels.
(Cut to Nurses' Station. Dr. Cox enters and groans.)
Jordan: What's going on?
Ted: [on phone] I love you too, dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.
Dr. Cox: Ted's on the phone with his mom, so we're taking a five. Why? Why is Kelso doing this to me?
Jordan: You know.
Dr. Cox: No, I don't. All I remember is we were both making fun of our kids, and bam, he stuck me with Ted.
Jordan: No, no. You made fun of your kid, he made fun of his kid, and then you made fun of *his kid.* Don't you get it?
(Dr. Cox shakes his head, no.)
Jordan: You can never say bad things about someone else's kid. Ever.
(Jordan exits. Ted enters.)
Ted: [on phone] Mmm, if you can't reach that spot with the lotion, I'll get it for you when I get home late tonight. OK, kisses.
(Ted hangs up.)
Ted: You ready to get back in there?
Dr. Cox: Yeah. I gotta vomit first.
(Cut to ICU.)
J.D.: OK, guys, let's all gather round, huddle up. Now, you guys, Herbert in there needs an MRI, but he won't fit into our machine. Does anybody know what we should do?
(The interns look uneasy.)
J.D.'s Narration: Nobody wanted to say it, but sometimes when hospitals have Herbert-sized patients they'll send them to the one place that has MRI machines big enough: the zoo.
J.D.: I know what you're all thinking, but I'm not going to do that to Herbert, it's too humiliating.
(Elliot, listening in to J.D.'s talk, enters Herbert's room.)
Elliot: Herbert, you're too big for our MRI machine, so we're gonna have to take you to the zoo.
Herbert: Damn. Well, that sucks.
Elliot: You kinda brought this on yourself, didn't you?
Herbert: [sighs] Damn.
(Elliot exits Herbert's room.)
J.D.: Why do you hate Herbert?
Elliot: He's been in here seven times, all for weight related problems. I mean, he's never even tried to get healthier. Sometimes protecting someone's feelings isn't the best way to go.
J.D.: Spare me the tough love speech, all right? You really think that going in there and being mean to Herbert is going to cause him to turn his life around and lose 100 pounds?
Elliot: Probably not, but as long as I'm still in there trying to get him to change, then I can sleep at night. When you think about your brother later, how are you going to sleep?
(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment. Turk and Carla are lounging on the couch.)
Carla: Angie and George.
Turk: You know what's weird?
Turk: Now that they have names, everything seems so real. I can see George's smile. And I can see Angie having your curly hair.
Carla: I hope she doesn't have my ear infections.
(Carla sits up.)
Carla: I was really sick as a baby.
Turk: I was a climber. Our windows don't have bars on them. If George gets up there, he's falling right into the alley.
Carla: What if George doesn't love me?
Turk: What if Angie stops breathing in her sleep?
Turk: Why did we have to pick these stupid names? I hate it when things get real!
Carla: You know, when I was in high school, I had a shop teacher named George who hated black people.
Turk: There was a prostitute at my town mall. Her name was Angie.
Carla: Great, well, those names are out.
Turk: Yeah, they're out!
Carla: And we don't need new ones!
Turk: We don't need new ones for nine months! I'm ready for bed.
Carla: Me too.
(Cut to Dr. Kelso's office. Dr. Cox enters.)
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob. You got a minute?
Dr. Kelso: If you killed Ted, I don't want to know about it. Just make sure it's not traceable to the hospital.
Dr. Cox: That's not why I'm here, but it's good to know. Look, uh, I just wanted to apologize for what I said about your son.
Dr. Kelso: Well, he hasn't turned out exactly as I'd planned. For example, I always imagined we'd spend his thirteenth birthday fly-fishing in Montana.
Dr. Cox: Where did you spend it?
Dr. Kelso: On 42nd street, camped out for eight misbehaving tickets. He's a good kid though.
Dr. Cox: Tell me about him.
Dr. Kelso: He is a good kid. He's always been a good kid. And the first time I knew we weren't on the same page was when he took up knitting.
Dr. Cox: Knitting?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I thought he was gonna learn how to tie knots.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. enters. Dan is packing items from the fridge into his bag.)
J.D.: Hey, Dan?
Dan: Hey, Johnnie. Just packing up. Thought you had to work?
J.D.: I do, but I want to talk to you about something.
Dan: Yeah, what's up?
J.D.: Elliot doesn't want to have babies with Keith.
Dan: Huh. Tough break for Keith. You know, I almost had a threesome with that guy.
J.D.: When I said Elliot would never be into a guy like you, it's because you're a 35 year-old bartender who still lives in our mother's attic and is showing no signs of changing. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, Dan, I'm telling you this because I think you have the potential to do whatever you want to do with your life. But you have to actually try.
J.D.'s Narration: And then I got the answer I expected.
Dan: Don't you have to get back to work?
(Cut to on-call room. J.D. lays down on the bed.)
J.D.'s Narration: Even though I knew my brother wasn't going to change, Elliot was right. It comes down to what helps you sleep at night.
(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment - bedroom.)
Carla: Who are we kidding? This is so real now, there's no way we can sleep!
(Turk is sound asleep.)
J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's a sense of denial...
(Cut to Dr. Kelso's bedroom.)
J.D.'s Narration: ...or the fact that you love your son.
(Cut to on-call room. J.D. is lying down.)
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I was just happy to get some rest.
(J.D.'s pager goes off. Cut to hospital parking lot. J.D. enters. Dan is wearing J.D.'s suit.)
Dan: Hey, Johnnie, is it cool if I borrow this suit? I figured I might wear it to that job interview.
J.D.: You know what, man, you might as well just keep it.
Dan: Yeah, I'll keep it. Hey, uh, you think anyone would ever really hire me?
J.D.: I think you can do whatever you want to do.
(Dan gets into his car and starts it.)
Dan: Take it easy, little brother.