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FIRST FLOOR HALL
J.D.'s Narration: Today I walk in here not as a resident but as a chief. Chief resident! Chief resident Dorian! Chiefy chiefy chief!
Janitor: What's that, your new, uh, cool guy walk?
J.D.: No, I have rocks in my shoe.
He empties his shoe.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Wow, that's a lot of rocks. I gotta stop taking that short-cut through the quarry.
J.D.'s Narration: Anyway, the best thing about my new job is that I command a lot more respect.
J.D.: Chief resident in the house! Everybody say hey-ay!
J.D.'s Narration: Even though Councilman Donovan was handcuffed to that chair because once again he was flying high on crystal meth, his respect felt good. Honestly, it's the reason I keep voting for him.
Jordan: Have a good day. Try not to torture anyone so much that they take their own lives.
Dr. Cox: I'll try. You know, you're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
Jordan: That is so sweet!
Dr. Cox: Come here!
They giggle and kiss.
J.D.'s Narration: It was the same old Dr. Cox and Jordan. The weird thing was, there was something underneath it -- they were happy.
Dr. Kelso: We have some very exciting news.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me -- you and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony you've been dreaming about?
Dr. Kelso: Perry, even if I went that way -- and believe me, there were nights in the service when it didn't sound so far-fetched -- Ted is hardly my type.
Ted the Lawyer: I beg to differ. I've seen Enid.
Dr. Kelso: What?
Ted the Lawyer: Nothing.
Dr. Cox, remember a few years back, you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"?
Ted the Lawyer: Sorry.
Jordan: It's okay, "slag" is kind of his pet-name for me.
Ted the Lawyer: Anyway, I was also going through a divorce -- she's with my brother now; he's nine inches shorter than me but he wears a piece -- the point is, you and I signed the wrong papers, which technically means you two are still married and so am I.
Dr. Kelso: Well, mazel tovs all around!
J.D.'s Narration: I've never seen Dr. Cox and Jordan speechless before. It was neat-o!
Janitor: Just so you know, I think this chief resident thing has made you a little too big for your britches? Soo...from now on I'm gonna be your britches shrinker.
He cracks his broom over his knee.
J.D.: Oh, what, is that supposed to intimidate me or something?
Janitor: No. I had to do it anyway.
J.D.: What possible reason could you have for breaking your broom in half?
Randall: Thanks, bro.
Janitor: Any other questions? Smart guy?
Turk: What's up, ladies. [laughs]
Turk: What's up with these rocks!?
J.D.: HAH! You've been graveled!
J.D.: Yeah, it's a new game I made up this morning when I had rocks in my shoes.
Turk: [thinks] I like it.
J.D.: Better than Play-Doh Pants?
Turk: Play-Doh Pants became all about the money.
J.D.'s Narration: It felt good cheering Turk up. See, now that I'm chief studly, I was making a lot more money than him. Needless to say it was a time to be extra sensitive.
J.D.: Hey, you remember how I make more money than you now?
J.D.: Here's five bucks for remembering. Anyway, I was thinking about spending some of my extra ducats on one of those classy suits we always wanted!
Turk: You mean the leather purple jumpsuit Eddie Murphy wore in 'Raw'?
J.D.: [laughing] You know it, dawg!
Turk: That's cold!
J.D. laughs more.
Turk: Look, I gotta go. I've got a new attending and he hates it when we're late. Plus he's a question-talker.
J.D.: What's a question-talker?
HALL -- SURGERY ASSIGNMENT BOARD
Dr. Lemmon: Do I want you to be on time, Dr. Turk? Yes I do. Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.
Carla: Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
Dr. Cox: Who do you mean, dashboard-face?
Carla: Yeah, I think she prefers "Miss Myers."
Dr. Cox: Well then she probably shouldn't be checking her e-mail while she's driving ninety miles an hour.
Molly: Hey, sorry I'm late.
Dr. Cox: We weren't waiting for you.
Molly: Great! I'm on time!
See, I think as a psychiatrist that I should be there when Miss Myers' bandages get removed, because her accident was traumatic enough. But with reconstructive facial surgery on top of that? In my professional opinion: Yikes!
Dr. Cox: Honey, if you are coming in, I just might go ahead and phone up my pool-man and my architect so we can populate the room with just as many useless people as possible.
Molly: Great! My mom's in town, should I call her?
Dr. Cox laughs in surprise then grumbles.
Carla: Hah! Haha. That was good.
MISS MYERS' ROOM
Dr. Cox: Okay, Miss Myers, I'm gonna go ahead and get these bandages off and make sure the plastic surgeons have left your face just as beautiful as it always was.
Miss Myers: Oh, you're so nice. Are you married?
Carla: Oh! He is as of this morning!
Molly: Really? I thought he was divorced?
Carla: No, child, the papers didn't go through!
Dr. Cox: You know what? I've got a son, I don't fantasize about Jordan dying as much anymore, and, even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually pretty happy about the way this whole marriage thing has worked out. Sooo, would you please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life?
Molly: So what's his wife like?
Carla: So scary!
Dr. Cox: You go ahead and have a look there.
Miss Myers: Wow.
Dr. Cox: You look fantastic, you do.
Carla and Molly stand staring.
Dr. Cox: Doctor?
Molly: Really fantastic.
Dr. Cox: Thank God you were here!
HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE
J.D.'s Narration: Since Elliot and I are both chief residents, I'm trying not to make it all about me.
J.D.: John Dorian, Chief Resident.
J.D.'s Narration: You know, unless there's someone I could doink.
J.D.: Hey, uh, you need to move your car -- it's my day to have the parking spot.
Elliot: J.D., you have a scooter! Why do you even need a parking spot?
J.D.: Mmmm, it sends a message.
J.D.'s Narration: Just because I lured her away from her perfect boyfriend and then dumped her doesn't mean my scooter, Sasha, needs to suffer.
Janitor hammers on the name plaque.
J.D.: What are you doing?
Janitor: Just making it official.
J.D.: You can try as hard as you want, that is never gonna stick.
Resident: Oh! And that's Co-Chief Resident Dorian over there!
J.D.: Dammit! You are quick!
HALL -- SURGERY ASSIGNMENT BOARD
Turk: Dammit, I got an appendectomy again?
Todd: Sweet! I get the duah--d-- duoh--duo...duooh--
Turk: Duodenojejunostomy, man. What's wrong with you?
Todd: So I can't pronounce it. Try and be a little more sensitive, okay? -- New bra, Janice? 'Cause it's working! -- Besides, the only reason I'm getting all these great procedures is because nobody's died on me in like three months!
Turk: Listen, man, you never have to apologize for being on a hot-streak. I'm psyched for you! And I wouldn't take those procedures away even if I could.
He turns to the passing Dr. Lemmon.
Turk: Sir, would you mind giving me the duodenojejunostomy instead of the Todd?
Dr. Lemmon: Am I impressed by your moxie? You bet'cha. Am I going to reward it? Not a chance.
Turk: This Todd thing is killing me.
Where's your lunch?
J.D.: Ahhh! Thank you, Barry! Hey! That's for Barry Jr.!
J.D.: What? The little guy's in leg braces.
Jordan: Hi. I visited my safety deposit box today. Guess what I found?
Dr. Cox: My grandfather's purple heart!
Jordan: Please, I sold that years ago to pay for these.
Dr. Cox: Oh...!
Jordan: Mm. Our wedding rings.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow!
Jordan: What do you think?
Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? I'm gonna wear this the rest of my life!
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, marriage can make the rest of your life seem longer.
PERRY & JORDAN'S BEDROOM
Jordan: So you're just going to, uh, fall asleep right after for the rest of my life?
As does Jordan.
HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS
Dr. Cox: So I'm supposed to pay for your Botox the rest of my life?
PERRY & JORDAN'S LIVING ROOM
Jordan: I'm not sure I want to watch you drink a beer while I'm holding the baby for the rest of my life!
HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS
Dr. Cox: Look, Attila --
Dr. Cox: -- there's no way in hell that I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, you got that?
Jordan: Yeah, not listening. By the way, now that we're married again, we've gotta make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Dr. Cox: Oh, God, I hope it's me.
J.D.'s Narration: Yep, there was definitely trouble in paradise.
Janitor: [on intercom] Would Co-Chief Dorian please report to the I.C.U.? Co-Chief Dorian? Co-Chief?
J.D.: Well, Mrs. Covello, your CAT-scan showed a small rectal tumor, so I want to schedule a low anterior resection. But don't worry, we have an amazing surgical team here, okay?
Mrs. Covello: That means a lot coming from the co-chief resident!
J.D.'s Thoughts: How did she hear? She's been in a coma for two weeks!
Turk: Hey, buddy! Can I talk to you for a second?
Turk: I know the Todd's doing her resection, but if you send her down right now, he's a little busy so it'd have to be me.
J.D.: What's the Todd doing?
Turk: Yeah, well, you know the city surveyor is outside taking pictures of the hospital for the zoning commission?
Turk: I told him they were shooting a Sacred Heart calendar.
FANTASY: PARKING LOT
Todd: Gentlemen! Say hello to June!
Todd: How about a sneak-peek of July!
J.D.: I don't know, Turk. It's a little early for me to start pulling strings -- I just got this co-chief job. Dammit, now I'm saying it!
Turk: Come on, man, get me back in the game!
J.D.: Mmmggghhh! Okay!
He hugs J.D., making him laugh.
J.D.: You know what, here's ten bucks for letting me help you out. Spend it wisely!
Molly: I think she's a little upset she doesn't look the way she used to.
Dr. Cox: Why? How did she used to look?
She shows him a photo.
Dr. Cox: Oh, dear ugly.
His beeper goes off.
Dr. Cox: Oh, whatta you know, the paging of the shrew.
Molly: Look, why don't you just talk to her.
Dr. Cox: Mm-hm. Why don't you just--
Molly: Mind my own business. I know, your life is your life, and it's not my job to fix it, unless of course you ask me to. And, man, would I get in there, 'cause I'm a good shrink and you, my friend, are a walking disaster.
MISS MYERS' ROOM
Dr. Cox: So, now, Miss Myers, um, how are you feeling?
Miss Myers: I was wondering...if it were possible to have surgery again?
Cox's phone rings.
Dr. Cox: [answers] Hi, sweetie, I'm in a tunnel. [hangs up]
Look, your body's been through an enormous amount of trauma, and I can't recommend you go racing back in to surgery. Now, I guarantee you, if you just give it time you'll be happy with the way you look.
His phone rings again.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God.
He answers on his way out.
Dr. Cox: WHAT!?
Miss Myers: I just don't look like myself. I know I had a big nose and droopy eyes, but they were my nose and my droopy eyes, you know?
Molly: Tell me more about yourself.
J.D.'s Narration: Around here, there's always at least one person that'll come through for you.
HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE
J.D.'s Narration: In Turk's case, that was me.
J.D.: Hey, Elliot! Hey, I want to talk to you about this whole chief resident thing.
Elliot: What about it?
J.D.: Well, as you may have heard from the loudspeaker, some residents, the janitor, my mother, your mother, and a...a coma patient, um, I'm being referred to as the "co-" chief resident. I think we should either both go with "co-chief" or "chief." Don't you...co-agree?
Lonnie: Excuse me. We're working up this patient for a hypercoagulable state with a prolonged PTT? What's our next step?
J.D.: Well, that's easy, Lonnie, what you want to do--
Lonnie: I'd like my answer from the chief resident.
J.D.: We're both chief residents. Isn't that right, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: With a prolonged PTT, you'd want to do a one-to-one mixing study.
Lonnie: 'S why she's the chief. You're the co-chief.
J.D.: Shut up, Lonnie!
Lonnie: You shut up!
Molly: Obviously for your ex-wife, just the illusion of hair is important.
She notices Dr. Cox.
Molly: Excuse me.
Ted the Lawyer: So you're saying it had nothing to do with my impotence?
Molly: Dr. Cox, I was wondering if we could talk about Miss Myers in my office?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on grossly overpaying somebody for telling me something that I already know.
Molly: Look, you're obviously really distracted by the situation with your marriage--
Dr. Cox: Something I already know, what do I owe? Will ten bucks cover it?
Molly: Oh, yeah!
Dr. Cox: Oh, you're gonna hang onto that?
Molly: Yeah, you know, I forgot my lunch money, and it's kielbasa day in the cafeteria. Kielbasa!
Dr. Cox laughs, horrified.
Molly: Love it.
Anyway, Miss Myers really values your opinion, but I don't think you're even trying to understand how she feels.
Dr. Cox: Look, if I ever want your advice on one of my patients, I'll ask. But do not hold your breath, unless of course you can hold it for a really long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.
Molly: I can't, I used to smoke.
Molly: Kielbasa. Yes!
Turk: Let me buy you lunch.
J.D.: I'm rich. I'll buy you lunch and some gold teeth to eat it with!
Turk: You know, you only got one more black joke this month before I bust your ass.
J.D.: Dammit! I used 'em all up watching 'Barber Shop 9'.
Turk: Okay, that's it, and I'll get you later.
J.D.: How'd surgery go?
Turk: Oh, you know, I was on top of my game.
J.D.'s Narration: It can be scary to stick your neck out for a friend. That's why it's a huge relief when they come through.
J.D.: How's she doing?
Turk: Uh...unfortunately she didn't make it.
J.D.'s Thoughts: What?
J.D.: What do you mean she died?
Turk: J.D., I did everything I could. Even my attending thought I did great. He said, "Do I think you did great? Yes I do!"
J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't help wonder if by taking that patient from Todd and giving her to Turk, I had toyed with fate.
Turk: I know that look. You're wondering if you toyed with fate!
J.D.: How could you know that look? It's a brand new look!
Turk: What do you think Todd would've done that I didn't?
Nurse: Doctor, her heart stopped.
He rips his own heart from his chest.
Todd: [gasping] Here!
Todd: [gasp, gasp, gasp] I'm gay!
Nurse: I knew it.
Turk: Oh my God! That's your "the Todd would've pulled his own heart out" look!
J.D.: Okay, we have been spending way too much time together.
Cox's phone is ringing. He looks at the number.
Dr. Cox: [chuckles] Guess what there, wifey. You can't be a pain in the ass if I don't have a phone.
He throws his phone into the trash and turns to see Jordan standing behind him with her phone.
Dr. Cox: Oh, ohh! Hi, sweetie!
Jordan: Save it. I was just calling to tell you that I'm taking Jack and staying at my mother's for a few months.
Dr. Cox: But who's going to be looking after him when you and your mother go out marauding for flesh?
Jordan: Thank you for making this so much easier, Perry.
Dr. Cox: Jordan. Jordan, come on, Jordan. Ahhh.
Carla: Are you okay?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go check on Miss Myers.
Carla: Molly sent her down to surgery.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho-ho, wrong day, new chick!
J.D.'s Narration: In a hospital, it's hard not to let your personal life affect your professional life.
Turk's Thoughts: Forget about J.D. You're just as good as the Todd. You got this.
Turk: All right, people! I believe we're done here.
Dr. Lemmon: Did you just sew your gown into the patient? Yeah, ya did.
Janitor: Hey! Hey, someone! Hey! Randall was in the air conditioning vent, and it collapsed on him! Buddy!
Randall: [coughing] Co-chief. Co-chief!
Janitor: Hey, you fixed him! Come on, buddy!
J.D.'s Thoughts: That's it!
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, could you help me out? People have been referring to me as the co-chief resident.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it sounds like something you should take up with the chief resident.
J.D.: But I'm the chief resident. Look, Dr. Reid's check is made out to the chief resident, and--and mine's made out to the co-chief resident. But we both make the same amount.
Dr. Kelso: You're right. Dr. Reid, you should be making ten dollars more a month, and of course, Dr. Dorian, you should be making ten dollars less. I know it's not much, but it's largely to symbolize the difference in your levels.
Dr. Kelso: Coolio, indeed.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I could spend all day worrying about what just happened, but I have more important things to do.
TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT
J.D.: Hey, man. Look what I confiscated from one of the kids in Pediatrics.
He pops a pop-cap on Turk's head.
J.D.: What, too hot?
Turk: Not in the mood!
J.D.: Okay, well, look, we both might have had bad days, but I got just the thing that's gonna cheer us up.
A BIT LATER
J.D.: Ahhh? Dream come true, right!
Turk: Do you really think I want this suit?
Turk: Well, I do. But not from you!
J.D.: Oh, now I get it. You're just mad because I make more money than you.
Turk: No, I'm mad because of that surgery today. You doubted me.
J.D.: You are such a wuss!
J.D.: Turk, come on.
J.D.: Ah, these things chafe. Now I know why Eddie called it "Raw."
J.D.: Carla! Do you have any powder?
Dr. Cox: You. You went behind my back.
Molly: I gave you every opportunity to do the right thing.
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, there, Miss Manners: Why don't you go ahead and gulp down that bear-sized bite, and then we'll talk.
Molly: [chewing] Mm-hmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm! Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm-mm. MM! [swallows] Yummy! Man, that is great kielbasa. But you can't really screw up kielbasa, can you? [laughs] So, um, where were we?
Dr. Cox: Honest to God, I can't remember.
Molly: Oh, right, Miss Myers. The plastic surgeon said it was safe to operate, and Miss Myers really liked her old face. And you don't have to be a psychiatrist to see, Perry, that if you used to be truly happy and now you're not, then you should go back to the way it was when you were happy. Isn't that what you would do?
Dr. Cox: Yeah....
He rushes off.
PERRY AND JORDAN'S APARTMENT
Dr. Cox: [panting] Jordan! Will you...will you divorce me?
Jordan: Ohh, I thought you'd never ask!
HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE
J.D. grunts and groans trying to remove the "Co-" from his name plaque with a crowbar.
Elliot: Listen, I probably shoulda put a stop to all this co-chief stuff.
J.D.: What co-chief stuff? I haven't even been thinking about it.
Elliot: Look, J.D., ever since you dumped me, everyone around here's been treating me like some kind of a victim. It's like, "Ohh, look at poor Elliot going home alone." Or, "Ohh, look at poor Elliot riding a tandem bike by herself." That's not something I normally do, I just really wanted ice cream the other night, my car was out of gas, and that's the bike the Gundersons loaned me. They do everything together....
Elliot: The point is it was nice being the one chief resident for a while, you know?
She easily pulls off the "co-".
J.D.: She's got fingers like biceps!
Ted the Lawyer: And so, by the power vested in me by the American Bar Association, I pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife. You may now do whatever the hell you want!
Jordan: I've never been this happy.
Dr. Cox: Me neither.
Carla: [to Jack] You have no chance of being normal.
The crowd cheers the happily unmarried couple.
Beck's "Lost Cause" fades in.
J.D.: Thirsty, huh?
Ted the Lawyer: Helps the tears taste less bitter.
J.D.: So! How you guys gonna celebrate your divorce?
Turk: By not inviting you!
J.D.: Oh my God! Dude! I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad?
Turk: Maybe I needed you to believe in me!
Carla: I believe in you, baby.
Turk: Yeah, but we're married -- that doesn't count.
Carla: What the? Ow, ow, ow, what?
J.D.: Did you, uh...?
Turk: Yeah, she's been graveled.
J.D.: Nice work.
Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks?
Turk: I don't. I care what you think. Since the day I met you, you've...treated me like I was the man, like I could accomplish everything. This is gonna sound lame, but --
Softball Player: I've got it!
Turk: -- your being like that's one of the reasons I've gotten to where I am.
J.D.: Wow. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
J.D.'s Narration: In the end, every relationship needs maintenance.
Turk: Hey, Ted. Get out the sun, man.
Ted the Lawyer: [angry drunk] You owe me money!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Whether it's the smallest gesture...
HOSPITAL -- HALL
Dr. Cox: Hey, Doctor. Doctor!
Want to, uh, you wanna take a look at the guy in 302 and tell me whether or not you think he's really sick or just bonkers?
Molly: Are you actually asking my opinion?
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm gonna ignore it, but...yeah, knock yourself out.
J.D.'s Narration: ...or just picking up back where you left off.
TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT
Turk: I'm a little nervous about surgery tomorrow.
J.D.: Aw, you'll kick ass.
Carla: So are you guys gonna go out tonight?
Turk: No, we're gonna stay in.
Carla: Well, I'll be in the bedroom with all the straight people.
J.D.: Are your giblets warm?
Turk: Like a Christmas ham!
J.D.'s Narration: The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it's pretty easy to make the sacrifice.
HALL / CHIEF RESIDENTS' OFFICE
Elliot: Wow. Thanks, J.D.
J.D.: And she's just been graveled!