JD's Narration: After 6 weeks home with her baby, Carla was facing the decision that all new moms have to face. Whether she should go back to work.
Carla: Ok, so. If we take my salary and subtract the cost of a full-time nanny plus her health insurance, we will still end up with... losing $5 a month?!?!
Turk: This is completely your decision. I'm ok one way or the other.
Carla: Maybe I'll try staying home with Izzy for a year.
JD's Narration: As for me, ever since my pregnant girlfriend left, I've been a little clingy with my roommate.
Elliot: JD, I'm going to get a drink from the water fountain. Do you wanna come?
JD: Please, Elliot. I'm not that desperate.
JD's Narration: Although I am a little parched. Plus I could hold back her hair.
Are you okay, ma'am? How many fingers do you see? Call 911 emergency. Why are you singing? Wait! Why am I singing? Is there someone here with you? Someone that we could talk to? Are you okay? Are you alright? The mind is a freaky thing, Elliot. Maybe she does hear singing. I haven't sung since the 6th grade talent show when I did Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then afterwards Mr. Shaman, the MC, said "No. Actually hell is for everyone who just had to hear you sing that song. " My mom was so mad, she slept with him and ruined his marriage. Let's see how she's doing. Hello, I'm Dr. Kelso. I'm delighted that you came. So the doctors say you fainted and you don't know what's to blame. Well, put your mind at ease. There's no ill we hadn't outsmarted. On behalf of all who work here welcome to Sacred Heart!! Our facilities are excellent, you couldn't ask for more. As long as you avoid the bathrooms on the second floor. This is Dr. Cox, I'll be giving him your chart. And that's Dr. Kelso, the kissass of Sacred Heart. You say you burned your hand real bad, we'll fix you up with gauze. Perhaps you need your fat sucked out - or one smallish nose. - Hey ! If you caught a STD from some tasty little tart. We swear we won't judge you here at Sacred Here at Sacred Here at Sacred Heart !!! One more thing that I should mention if what I heard is true. And everyone appears to be singing to you. Your case is very serious. And we better start. 'Cos if you think we're singing, - you belong at Sacred Heart. - Doctors! Nurses! Patients! Dead Guys! Welcome to Sacred Heart !! So Mrs. Miller passed both otological and neurological exams. We cannot find anything that explains why she's hearing music. How about this for an explanation: she's cuckoo pants. Run some more tests and turf her to Psych. Hey, Mrs. Miller. We just need a stool sample. Why do you need a stool sample if you think I'm just a nut? - 'Cause the answer is not - 'Cause the answer is not - in your head, my dear. - in your head, my dear. - It's in your butt. - It's in your butt. You see? Everything comes down to poo. From the top of your head to the sole of your shoe. We can figure out what is wrong with you by looking at your poo. Turk. Do you have a hemorrhoid? Or is it rectal cancer? When you flush your dookie down you flush away the answer. It doesn't really matter if it's hard of it's loose. We'll figure out what's ailing you. As long as it's a deuce. Yes ! -Everything comes down to poo. -Everything comes down to poo. Cardiovascular, lymphatic, yes the nervous system too. All across the nation, we trust in defecation. Everything comes down to poo. If you want to know what's wrong don't sit and act so cool. Just be a man and eat some bran. And drop the kids off at the pool. - My stomach hurts. - Check the poo. - I sprained my ankle. - Check the poo. - I was shot. - Check the poo. - A homeless guy just pooed in my eye. - Check the poo. - Mine or his? - First him then you. It may sound gross. You may say "shush". But we need to see what comes out of your tush. Because everything comes down to poo. Whether it is a tumor or a touch of the flu. Please, won't you pinch us all a big fat clue. Our number one test is your number two. If there's no breeze, light a match please. Everything comes down to - Doo doo. - Doo doo. - Doo doo. - Doo doo. Everything comes down to poo!! Guess what, you guys? I put an offer on a little house and it just got accepted. - Congratulations. - That's awesome!! - My own house. - C'mon, baby. See ya!! I'm so excited for us. Does he think that he's moving in with me? That would be a yes. Excuse me, ex-nurse Turkelton. But if you want to hang out around here you're going to need a visitor's badge. So, Carla when will you be back? Not for a year. A year?!?! Not for one long, long year. We understand you love that kid. But this ain't no way to treat us. And I hesitate to say you did what Judas done to Jesus. When you leave us all, we'll be upset. Look out. That floor is very wet. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through a lot of tears. How will everybody get along without you for a long, long year? Who'll tell me that my new toupee looks sweet? Who'll treat my gay son's rash and be discreet? Who'll give me better ways to say "man meat"? - Pincho chiquito. - Thanks. I'm using that. We're gonna miss you 'round here. We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're saying this through a lot of tears. How will everybody get along without you for a long, long year? My baby made the choice to be at home and not at work. So let us all rejoice 'cause she's the brand new mama Turk. He's right, of course. And yet my heart in spite of this - feels torn apart. - We're gonna miss you, Carla. We're gonna miss you 'round here. I need a tissue, Carla. We're saying this through a lot of tears. How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you? How we ever gonna get along without you? Lunch!! It's gonna be a long, long year. Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy. Am I still singing? Singing like a bird. Dr. Cox, huge news. I pulled some strings and got the parking spot right behind yours. Bumper buddies. Still, you're not nearly as bad as her. Do you know how much you annoy me? The answer is: a lot. Should I list the reasons why? Well, I don't see why not. It's your hair, your nose, your chinless face, you always need a hug. Not to mention all the manly appletinis that you chug. That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex. And, oh my God, stop telling me when you have nerdy sex. By the way, last time Kim was in town we got some appletinis and poured them on her good parts. See now, Newbie? That's the thing you do that drives me up a tree. 'Cos no matter how I rant at you, you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son. It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one. No I'm not the only one It all started with a penny in the door. There was a hatred I had never felt before. So now I make him pay, each and every day. Until that moussed hair little nuance is no more. So now that is why I call you names like Carol, Jane and Sue. Like Moesha, Kim and Lilly and Suzanne and Betty Lou. Regardless of the names I pick my feelings are quite clear. You're a pain in every day of every month of every year. Dr. Cox, you gotta help me 'cos I really am distressed. Can't you find another option, won't you run another test? If you want some kind of favor, really any kind of favor, please just get me peace and quiet from this godforsaken pest. I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say Shut your cakehole, Marybeth. Or I swear to God I'll shut it soon. Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon. I know JD's in a bad place. But I'm an adult. I'm making good money. I just wanna live by myself. So just tell him. So it's that easy? Why don't you just tell Turk that you wanna go back to work? What the hell am I gonna do? - I could tell a bunch of lies. - I could buy him his own place. - I could bring the baby here with me. - Or tell him there's no space. Those are some lameass ideas. We're so screwed. I'm sure you must be scared. Not knowing what this test will bring. It could prove that you are crazy. Do you still hear people sing? It's best to know the truth. Of that I have no doubt. But you'll have to face the future. When the truth comes out. We are running a test that's a waste of our time. But at least she'll accept she's medically fine. She'll admit that she's nuts or I'll have to say "snore". Just give her the CAT-Scan and show her the door. While we process your results, we'll take you back to wait. We've got drugs to calm you down. So you don't stress about your fate. It's best to know the truth. Of that we have no doubt. - But you'll have to face the future. - Face the future when the truth comes out. You're gonna miss it, Carla. You're gonna miss it 'round here. Gonna hurt him badly. But you can't stay away for one whole year. - I know that I'm not crazy. - Everything comes down to poo. - I think that I'm not crazy. - When we move I'm gonna have my own private loo. How am I supposed to tell him that he's not moving too? - Oh my God. - He doesn't have a clue. I'm crazy. If you like to reconsider, I'd be glad to do my part. If you want your job is open, come on back to Sacred Heart. Look at the temporal lobe. That could be why she's hearing music. The biggest aneurysm I've ever seen. The woman is a time-bomb. Sometimes you're better off not knowing. But this isn't one of those times. Your world's become a musical. And your doctors speak in rhymes. It's best to know the truth. Of that we have no doubt. - But you'll have to face the future - How can I tell him? - How can I tell him? - How can I tell her? You'll have to face the future when the truth comes out. So Dr. Cox, is it serious? Oh When the truth comes out. Okay, we've to tell them. They're so close. Maybe they'll help each other through it. Come on, Carla. They're guys. They're not gonna get all touchy-feely. Let's face the facts about me and you a love unspecified. Though I'm proud to call you "Chocolate Bear", the crowd will always talk and stare. I feel exactly those feelings too. And that's why I keep them inside. 'Cause this bear can't bear the world's disdain. And sometimes is easier to hide - than explain our Guy Love. - than explain our Guy Love. - That's all it is. - That's all it is. - Guy Love, he's mine, I'm his. - Guy Love, he's mine, I'm his. - There's nothing gay about it - There's nothing gay about it - in our eyes. - in our eyes. You ask me about this thing we share. And he tenderly replies. It's guy love - between two guys. - between two guys. We're closer than the average man & wife. That's why our matching bracelets say "Turk & JD" You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life. You're the only man who's ever been inside of me. I just took out his appendix. - There's no need to clarify. - Oh no? Just let it grow more and more each day. It's like I married my best friend. But in a totally manly way. - Let's go. - Let's go. - It's guy love, don't compromise - It's guy love, don't compromise - the feeling of some other guy. - the feeling of some other guy. - Holding up your heart - Holding up your heart - into the sky. - into the sky. I'll be there to care through all the lows. I'll be there to share the highs. - It's guy love between two guys. - It's guy love between two guys. And when I say "I love you, Turk". It's not what it implies. - It's guy love - It's guy love - between - between - two - two - guys. - guys. No hands. Okay, I'll go first. JD, I wanna live by myself. Okay, no problem. Turk, will you relay this? That means you guys are no longer talking. JD ?! Wait a second. What did she mean she'll go first? Turk, I wanna come back to work. It's who I am. I always thought family was the most important thing to Puerto Ricans. I've had it up to here so let me make it very clear. Because I swear I'll never hook you in again. Everytime that you profess - I come from Puerto Rico. - Yes. For the last time, Turk, I'm Dominican. Don't make a big to-do, I was simply testing you. Then why'd you tell JD our baby is "Blaxican"? Baby, you know I know the truth. Well, I need a little proof, so list all you know about me or no sex again. Let's see - Your name is Carla. - Oh yes. - You are Latina. - Impressive. You are a nurse, your mother is dead and Wait ! I got it. - Three sisters. - Turk!! Two sisters? But I'm sure you have a brother who is a huge jerkoff. - Tell me what's my middle name. - Ok. I'm tired of this game. Let's forget it. I give up. I guess you win again. But it's not just me who gets mixed up - by all this crazy ethnic stuff. - Sorry. Even I know. She's Dominican. Booya! Did I grow up in Illinois or was it Michigan? How long before we met was I in Medicine? Was our wedding song The Beatles or Led Zepellin? Am I freakin' Puerto Rican or Dominican? The thing is guys remember facts like what Derek Jeter hit last year which was 303. And that is why our brains are maxed. And there's no room for things like birthdays or ethnicities. Well, thank you for that glimpse into the workings of the inner man. Let's talk about your job and - not the fact that you're - Dominican. You're not staying home from work. Will that make you happy, Turk? I'll support you if you choose to earn the Benjamins. Then I'll return to work today. Now you showed that that's okay. I say "si" which is "yes" in Dominican. - And Puerto Rican. - Turk!!! But you're Dominican. Look, JD. I don't wanna let you down when your life is so crappy. - Move in with me. - No, Elliot. It's okay. I was just feeling sorry for myself. Plus, it's about time you lived on your own. You're closer to 40 than 30. JD, I'm 29. I'm playing with you. Listen. We're gonna be fine. You know why? We'll be friends forever. We're gonna be friends forever. We will always be true. Friends forever. We're gonna be friends forever. I'll always be there for you. - We're as close as - the vena cava and the aorta. - We're best friends just like - amoxacilin and clavulanic acid. The tibia and the fibula. The left and right ventricule. A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet. Diverticulitis and a barium enema. - The vena cava and the aorta. - Amoxacilin and clavulanic acid. The tibia, the fibula. The left and right ventricule. A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet. - The vena cava and the aorta. - We'll be friends - Amoxacilin and clavulanic acid. - forever. The tibia, the fibula. The left and right ventricule. A hypodermic needle and a What's going to happen? What does the future hold? So many things that I put off. Assuming I'd have time. Assuming I'd grow old. What's going to happen? And will I be alive tomorrow? What's going to happen to me? You're going to be okay. That's what's going to happen. Everything is okay. We're right here beside you. We won't let you slip away. Plan for tomorrow. 'Cause we swear to you you're going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. That's what's going to happen. - Everything is okay. - Everything is okay. We will never leave you. Right here we will stay. - Plan for tomorrow. - Plan for tomorrow. 'Cause we swear to you you're going to be okay. We hope. Did it work? You're gonna have to tell us. Thank you. By the way, who's the best singer? You know, in your head. Don't let the fact that I went to theater camp affect your decision. In musicals, there's always a happy ending. But in life, sometimes when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind. Whether it's your roommate I'll see you in a little while. or time spent with your child. Or even the music you used to hear in your head.