HALL -- MORNING J.D. and Turk are walking through.
Turk: Buddy, I get that you and Carla have been hanging out a lot, but pretending you're gonna steal her from me makes you seem sad, pathetic, and very lonely.
J.D.: Your woman wants me so bad, we've developed our own little shorthand with each other.
They arrive at... NURSES' STATION Carla is working behind the desk.
J.D.: [to Turk] That means "good morning"!
Turk: Noted. How was, uh, Mardi Gras night?
- FLASHBACK -- BAR
Carla and J.D. are at the party, she risking injury from the large collection of beaded necklaces she has on.
Carla: [pleading] Come on!!!!
J.D.: Enough beads! No more flashing.
Carla: More beads, dammit! [bangs fist] Come on!
He turns around and raises his shirt.
He winces and he's whipped with beads.
Carla: Yeah, baybee!
Turk: Sounds pretty embarrassing.
J.D.: [rubbing his nipple] Only because Jasper becomes an innie when he gets nervous....
He looks up.
J.D.: Still --
He and Carla pull the necklaces from their collars and rattle them.
& : [laughing] Friends forever!!!!
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, not all relationships are as solid as Carla's and mine.
Meanwhile... I.C.U. Dr. Kelso storms up to Elliot, who is going over a chart.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! Why are you using standard macrolides to treat your patient instead of Clovaritol?
Elliot starts to open her mouth to explain, but is interrupted by Dr. Cox, who has left his patient to join in this conversation.
Dr. Cox: Ohh! Clovaritol is a drug? Now, honestly, Bob, here I was under the impression that it was a travel agency, what with all the free golf trips they've gone ahead and sent you on.
Dr. Kelso: I'll have you know that I do not authorize any drug for this hospital that I haven't personally researched.
Elliot: What did the research for Clovaritol say, sir?
Dr. Kelso: "When life's not fair at all...use Clovaritol..."
Nothing more to say, he leaves.
Dr. Cox: Check out Barbie bo-hody slamming big Bob! Atta girl!
Elliot: Look, I have spent the last three years in this hospital getting pushed around because I'm "little Barbie from Connecticut!" But there is a new toy in town, and her name is Bitch-Slap Barbie! ...From...Connecticut.
Dr. Cox: Still, let's remember that you can't even drive the doctor car without big daddy sitting right there beside you. Because you went ahead and accidentally gave the patient over in bed four macrolides and opiates -- two medications that I guarantee you are gonna make her nauseous.
Elliot: My patient is fine. And I don't need you to--
She's interrupted by the sound of throwing up.
Dr. Cox: I roughly think that would be the faint sound of your patient vomiting. You may be having trouble hearing it over the much louder sound of me being right yet again. Oooooh.
She shoots him a dirty look and goes off to take care of her patient. Perry gazes upward.
Dr. Cox: [sighs heavily] God! My brilliance is now becoming a bit of a burden. Get back to me.
Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Carla, J.D., and Turk are still hanging out.
Carla: I gotta give Mr. Ingram his meds so, latah!
Carla goes on down the hall.
J.D.: [to Turk] That means "I'll be seeing you later."
Turk: You want my fiancée? Just go ahead and take her, 'cause she's been nagging the crap outta me. "Pick up your socks. Wash your dishes. Stop whispering 'booya' to J.D. in the morning after we have sex."
J.D.: How else am I supposed to know?
Turk: I'm sayin'! But you know what? I'm not giving her anymore ammo! There is no way in hell that she'll ever be able to bust my-- Dayumn!
That interruption was brought to us by a female staffer with one hot wagon. Both guys stare lasciviously.
J.D.: Ooooooh! That ass warrants the Batman sound effects loop!
_That_ interruption was brought to us by the return of Carla, who does not look pleased.
Carla: Turk, how come every time I turn around you're checking out some woman's you-know-what?
J.D.: Tushie parts?
Turk: Thanks for having my back.
J.D.: [clicks teeth]
Carla walks off.
J.D.: [doing neck bob and finger wag] That means "now she all maaad."
ADMISSIONS J.D. and Turk enter.
J.D.'s Narration: When you work in a hospital, you can count on an ever-changing roster of new faces. Whether it's the new flower lady who winks too much...
They pass the flower lady who, of course, winks at them on cue.
J.D.'s Narration: ...or the plastic surgeon who's returned after spending three years fixing cleft palates in third world countries.
They stop to watch Dr. Kelso speak to the gathered group of doctors about the plastic surgeon standing next to him, one Dr. Ron Ramirez.
Dr. Kelso: So, if any of you are interested in following in the philanthropic footsteps of Dr. Ramirez, he has graciously offered to answer any of your questions.
They all look at him for a second, then disperse to get back to work.
Dr. Kelso: I told you no one would care.
Show over, J.D. and Turk continue down the hall.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes a new face will just outright surprise you.
Leaning against the wall is the Janitor, in plain clothes and a mustache.
Turk: What the hell are you doing?
Roscoe Janitor: Me? Nothing, man. Just waiting for my brother to get off work. Maybe you know him! He's a janitor here? My name's Roscoe.
Oh, maybe it's not the Janitor after all. Still, J.D. and Turk look unimpressed, and continue down the hall, pointedly ignoring Roscoe.
Turk: Why is he doing that?
J.D.: I think he gets bored.
CAFETERIA J.D. and Carla, trays in hand, walk to their table.
Carla: So I'm supposed to marry someone who can stare at women for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.
Carla: Well, let's see how he likes it when I do it in front of him.
They take their seats at the table, where Turk is already seated.
Carla: Hey, honey!
Turk: What's up, baby.
Carla quickly scans the area and notices a guy facing away from them as he talks to someone at a nearby table.
Carla: Mm! Mm! MM!
Turk: [pointing to his food] It's good, isn't it? That's because every time Estelle's working, she puts extra croutons into the stuffing.
J.D. plucks a limp piece of lettuce from his plate.
J.D.: And yet the salads always suffer....
Carla: Excuse me. I am talking about that man's ass?
Turk's pager goes off. He looks at the display.
Turk: Gotta go.
He gets up from the table.
Carla: You know, 'cause it's such a fine, chiseled, dig-your-fingernails-into-it kinda ass!
She claws at the air in demonstration. Turk shrugs as he walks out.
Turk: Babe, he probably works out.
Carla rolls her eyes at this failed attempt to teach Turk a lesson. She's brought back by the guy whose ass she had been using as a prop in her game -- it's Dr. Ramirez, who's finally turned around and noticed her.
Dr. Ramirez: Carla?
Carla: [floored] Ron....
Dr. Ramirez: Hey! [laughs]
J.D.: Kudos on the nice pooper.
Dr. Ramirez: ...Thank you...
J.D.: Mine's firm, like mutton.
Dr. Ramirez: Lovely.
He goes back to staring at Carla.
I.C.U. -- PATIENT'S ROOM Elliot enters.
Elliot: Okay, Mr. Thompson, we've got your fever down, but how's the pain in your abdomen?
Mr. Thompson: Practically gone.
Elliot: Really? Huh!
She hits the button to raise the back of his bed. He grips his side.
Mr. Thompson: Aaagh!
Elliot: Heh. Little trick I picked up in med school.
Mr. Thompson: [laughs weakly] Good trick!
Mr. Thompson: I think my insides exploded!
Elliot: Now, I suspect you've got pancreatitis, so we're gonna run some LFTs and do an ultrasound, but in the meantime I am going to prescribe you something for your pain.
Mr. Thompson: No, no, no, no, please. Please, don't sweat it. I'm used to the pain. Besides, my mom is bringing by the kids later, and I figure there should be at least one sober adult in the room.
Elliot's eyes widen, but he quickly buffers the comment by laughing. She joins in.
Mr. Thompson: No, seriously, she's a drunk.
Elliot straightens up.
Elliot: Ew, sorry. Heh.
Mr. Thompson starts laughing again. She, again, joins in.
Elliot: [laughing] Oh, you!
Mr. Thompson: Stop it.
CAFETERIA Dr. Ramirez has taken Turk's seat next to Carla, and they're babbling away as J.D. impatiently watches.
J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing worse than being around two people with a history.
Ron: So did Sherry and Steve ever get married?
Carla: You didn't hear what happened?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Please say you heard.
Dr. Ramirez: No, I didn't!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn you, Ron!
Carla: Steve took a year off to take care of his parents, and while he was gone, Sherry starting seeing Dr. Harding.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nooooo!
Dr. Ramirez: Really!?
Dr. Ramirez: Sherry and Gary?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Nooooo!
Carla: Yes! But, that summer, they took a river rafting trip through the Grand Canyon and they both drowned.
J.D.: Oh, thank God!
They both look at J.D., who pauses from rubbing the tension out of his face to realize what he just said.
J.D.: [weakly] You know, 'cause they...they both died doing what they loved.... Rafting.
I.C.U. Elliot is wheeling her Mr. Thompson through.
Elliot: So everybody treating you okay?
Mr. Thompson: Yeah! You know, the nurse that does the sponge baths, I wouldn't be shocked if she's killed before.
Elliot laughs as she stops the wheelchair at the Nurses' Station, where Nurse Roberts takes the chair.
Mr. Thompson: Heeey, sunshine!
Nurse Roberts: Why don't you just calm your ass down? You was barely bleeding.
Mr. Thompson: From a _bath_, woman!
Nurse Roberts: Mmmm-hmmm.
They continue on. Dr. Cox stops at the Station where Elliot is going over Mr. Thompson's results.
Elliot: I don't get it. I've run every single test; I cannot figure out why this guy is in so much pain.
Dr. Cox: Did you run a D-U-H test?
Elliot: What's a "D-U-H"?
Dr. Cox: Uh, duuuuuh! The guy is a drug addict trying to score pain killers.
Elliot: But he refused drugs.
Dr. Cox: [grips head] Mm! My bad! He is a very _clever_ drug addict. Look, I hate to question your three years of wisdom, but your pain guy is just like a million other drug addicts walking the hospitals every year with their aches, and their pains, and their spasms, and their cramps, and their myalgia, and their neuralgia, and their otalgia, and their every other -algia they can possibly think of just so they can get a fix.
Elliot: Well, I believe in this guy.
Dr. Cox: Would you like to go out on a limb? Sign him in, keep him overnight?
Elliot: [sighs] You know, Dr. Cox, you think that you have seen it all and done it all, but guess what? Heh. You haven't done me!
The gathered staff gasp in shock as Elliot haughtily walks off.
Dr. Cox: Give her a second there, gang.
Just a second later, Elliot comes back.
Elliot: That didn't come out right.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Go!
She scurries off again.
HALL Turk and J.D., dressed for some b-ball (J.D. in a t-shirt that proclaims "I'm what Willis was Talkin' bout!"), walk through.
J.D.: Yo, if you're captain out there today, pick me first, and then I'll be like, "Dude, we always play together!" Then you can pick who you really wanted to pick, but everyone else will think you wanted to pick me first.
Turk: When do you think of this stuff?
J.D.: Every minute of every day.
They pass the Janitor.
Janitor: Hey, either of you guys see my twin brother?
They roll their eyes and continue walking.
Janitor: Hey, I asked you a question!
Turk: You're better than this!
As soon as they've cleared, the Janitor pulls open the top of his jumpsuit like Clark Kent, revealing a fake mustache stuck to his t-shirt for easy access. He sticks it on and ditches the rest of his Janitor gear, revealing the Roscoe within.
He leaps out the window and lands on something on the first level roof below. Just then an ambulance stops, and he leaps from the first tier roof to the top of the ambulance. But just when he thinks he's got it, the ambulance is put into drive again, and he loses balance and falls off.
However! He's beaten the guys down here! Success! A bit winded, he struggles to his feet just as the guys arrive.
Roscoe Janitor: Naghhey! Any sign of my brother? The janitor?
Turk: Dude, there is no way that we'll ever, ever believe this one.
They walk past him.
Janitor: Could someone say "keep rockin'"?
He plays some frenzied air guitar, but they never look back.
He sighs and starts back into the hospital.
Roscoe Janitor: [gripping ribs] Argh!
NURSES' STATION -- LATER J.D. is back to work. He approaches Carla.
J.D.: Hey, Carla, after you check Mr. Ruck's IV in room 310, can you zip down to the cafeteria and flirt more with Dr. Hot Butt?
Carla: Fine. So I was flirting with him a little. But...I used to have such a crush on the guy! And besides, you flirt sometimes. It's harmless, right?
- FLASHBACK: APARTMENT BUILDING ELEVATOR
J.D. boards, his arms full of a large bag of groceries. The woman already present reaches for the panel.
Woman: Can I press your button?
J.D.: [smarmy] I don't know.... Can I press yours?
Offended, she starts whacking him with her purse, causing him to drop his groceries and fall to the floor, shrieking like a girl. The beating -- and shrieking -- is incessant.
J.D.: Not always harmless.
Dr. Ramirez arrives, taking little notice of J.D.
Dr. Ramirez: Hey! Uh, Carla.... I was, uh, wondering if...you wanted to grab dinner with me tonight.
J.D.'s Narration: It's always a risk when you go out on a limb. Ultimately, you just make yourself vulnerable.
Meanwhile... I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Elliot approaches the desk.
Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
Nurse Roberts: [looking over the chart] He was here like eight years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went AMA.
Elliot: What, he just took the drugs and bolted?
Nurse Roberts: No.... He took some towels, too.
Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION J.D. watches intently as Carla mulls her answer.
Dr. Ramirez: So what do you say?
J.D.'s Narration: And you just hate to see anyone get crushed. ...Even Dr. Hot Butt.
Carla: Sure! That sounds great!
J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm sorry, what?
NURSES' STATION The scene resumes, sans Dr. Ramirez. He got his date, what more does he need?
J.D.: What the hell just happened?
Carla: I don't know! He asked me out to dinner and I said yes! It just came out!
J.D.: [dramatic accusatory pointing] Shame!
Carla: Look! Everyone thinks it's just guys who get all freaked out before the wedding, but it happens to women too! And Ronnie--
Carla: "Ron." Ron -- he's not just some guy, J.D. He's my "what if?" guy. The one I always wondered about, the one I idealized, you know? If I go out with him and I feel nothing, you know how confident I'll feel about Turk?
J.D.: Now I want you to go. You know what that means?
J.D.'s Thoughts: That she's a sorceress!
Carla: Look, I would never do anything inappropriate.
J.D.: Then you won't mind if I tell Turk!
Carla: If you have to, go ahead. But! Then I'll know that we're not as close as I thought!
She rattles her Mardi Gras beads at him as she leaves.
J.D.: Damn beads....
I.C.U. -- MR. THOMPSON'S ROOM Elliot enters to find Dr. Kelso already at the man's bedside.
Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I was just taking a look at your old chart!
Dr. Kelso: Yes! He was just telling me that the last time he was here his doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of pain killers at him instead!
Elliot: He did?
Mr. Thompson: I was so frustrated, I took off. But, uh, I have to say, with Dr. Reid, here, I know we're finally gonna get to the bottom of things. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional.
Mr. Thompson: No. Why?
Dr. Kelso: No reason.
He turns and leaves.
FANCY RESTAURANT Dr. Ramirez and Carla enter, arm in arm.
Carla: Well, this is nice. After all these years, actually being out with you.
Dr. Ramirez: Yeah.... So, where do you want to sit?
Carla: How 'bout here?
She jerks the setting off the table and throws Ron down on it, ripping his shirt open and straddling him. She pulls her hair back and gives him a deep kiss. A waiter approaches with a small wooden box.
Waiter: We have a lovely selection of condoms.
Carla looks up and carefully selects one.
Carla: Ooh! Lemon zinger!
She rips the packet open with her teeth and blows the piece away.
- BACK TO REALITY
DOCTORS' LOUNGE J.D. and Turk sit next to each other on the couch, J.D. still staring off into space from his little imagination trip.
Turk: What were you thinking about?
J.D.: [covering] ...What you'd look like if you were Chinese...?
Turk: Me too!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Hoo! That was lucky!
The Janitor enters, a video tape in hand, which he slips into the VCR of the TV.
Janitor: Hey, fellas! Guess what's on! A little show that I like to call Indisputable Evidence!
He hits play and we see....
- INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE SHOW -- THE CAFETERIA
Troy the Sloppy Joe Guy sits in front of a large cake at one of the tables in the otherwise empty room.
Troy: [bad acting] Thank you, brothers, for inviting me to your twin birthday party!
The Janitor steps into frame.
Janitor: No problem, Troy! Hey, brother! Why don't you enjoy this nice pen set that I got for ya! Check it out!
He holds it out and puts it onto the table, then steps out of frame for a while.
Janitor: [off-screen] Take your time! Approach it slowly!
Twin brother Roscoe then finally steps into frame on the other side of the screen and picks up the pen set.
Roscoe Janitor: Hey! Wow! Thanks, bro! I'm definitely gonna use this to write to you when I finish my around the world travels. Put 'er there, man.
He holds out his hand for his brother to shake, and someone certainly shakes it...someone with red fingernail polish.
Roscoe Janitor: All right! You do a good job around here!
- THE SCREEN GOES BLACK
The Janitor shuts off the tape and turns to the guys, who stare incredulously.
Janitor: And that, boys, is a brotherly handshake.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes around here you can't believe what you're seeing...
Meanwhile... I.C.U. Elliot stands outside Mr. Thompson's room, watching through the observation window as he grips his abdomen in pain.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Other times it's as clear as day.
Cut to... ADMISSIONS -- PHARMACY WINDOW Elliot picks up a bottle of pills.
Dr. Cox approaches.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh, great! You're getting medication for your pain patient! But, say, why stop there? How's about we load up our fanny packs with happy pills, drive downtown, I'll hang out of the sun-roof, and we can just throw fistfuls of 'em right at drug addicts and it'll just be a big happy parade!
Elliot squeals excitedly and shakes the pill bottle like a maraca. It's just an act though, as she's currently in Bitch-Slap Barbie mode.
Elliot: You know what's amazing about you? You have this unbelievable ability to make me doubt myself.
Dr. Cox: I don't think I could possibly make you doubt yourself, ya rascal, unless you had the unnatural talent for being wrong most of the time.
Elliot: Well, I'm not wrong. I just saw Mr. Thompson writhing in pain, and he had no idea that I was watching him. But you probably don't care about that, because you're more concerned with _being_ right than _doing_ what's right. Aren't you?
She walks off.
NURSES' STATION J.D.'s going over some paperwork.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Stay calm. Turk's never gonna find out about her date.
J.D.'s Thoughts: AGGH!
Turk: You got a minute to talk?
J.D.: [panicked] I got lots of time to talk. Do you wanna talk about anything? Anything? Hours to talk. We could talk about our feelings. Wh-what's up?
Turk: Look, I been thinking about this whole Carla nagging me thing, right? And I know it's coming from a good place because, well, let's face it, the woman lives and dies for me.
Meanwhile... FANCY RESTAURANT Carla and Ron are at a table (fully clothed; J.D. had nothing to fear), enjoying a bottle of wine.
Carla laughs somewhat nervously and drains her glass.
Dr. Ramirez: More wine?
She holds out her glass.
Carla: Oh, God! Yes!
Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- SEMI-PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM Turk helps J.D. treat his patient by taking the empty drip bag.
Turk: So I'm supposed to marry someone who's gonna bust my chops every time I look at a woman for the rest of my life?
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't put it that way in your vows.... Hand me that?
Turk reaches for the bag of IV fluid and hands it across to J.D.
Turk: Here you go.
Meanwhile... FANCY RESTAURANT Ron hands Carla her replenished glass as they start in on dinner.
Carla: So you and that girl Kelly finally broke up, huh?
Dr. Ramirez: Yeah.... What was that cute name that you used to call her?
Carla: Skunk-face! ...I was a little mean back then.
Dr. Ramirez: Nahhh. I always used to think you were...the sweetest girl on earth.
Meanwhile... SEMI-PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM Turk is stretched out on the empty bed as J.D. continues with his patient.
Turk: Nag! Nag! Nag! Nag! You see how Carla is lately. I mean, is that all I have to look forward to?
J.D.: [trying to change the subject] I hear they're coming out with a 'Stuart Little 3'.
Turk: Nah, it's on hold. The director dropped out.
J.D.: Turk, don't you have any work to do?
Turk: [pointing to self] Dude. Surgeon.
J.D. surreptitiously fishes his Mardi Gras beads from his collar.
J.D.: [quiet] Beads, keep me strong!
Meanwhile... FANCY RESTAURANT Ron and Carla are sharing a dessert.
Carla: [giggling] I'm so glad we did this!
Dr. Ramirez: Oh, me too. You know, I have to leave for a lecture tour on Monday, but I'm back the last week in April, so maybe we can get together then.
Carla: I'm getting married April 24th.
Dr. Ramirez: So then our plans would totally interfere with your honeymoon.
Carla: A little bit.
Dr. Ramirez: Excited about it?
Carla: [beaming] I'm so excited.
I.C.U. -- MR. THOMPSON'S ROOM Elliot enters with her clipboard.
Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I have decided I'd like to prescribe you something for the pain.
Mr. Thompson: Well, you know, that's your call.
She begins to write out the prescription, then stops.
Elliot: There's just...one little problem.
Mr. Thompson: [flipping out] Oh, my God! Just give me the drugs! 'Kay, lady? For God's sake, I've been working you from every possible angle: I refused pain killers; I did the "you're the greatest doctor!" bit, which I know you loved; then somewhere between, uh, getting a tube in my ass and a tube in my mouth -- which, by the way, I'm still praying wasn't the same tube -- I found time to do the whole "I'm writhing in pain but I don't know if you're watching me" thing! So please, or pretty please, or however you want me to say it, Doctor, why don't you say it! Why don't you say it! Why don't you tell me what the problem is, AND SAY IT!
Elliot: Um.... I was just gonna say that my pen doesn't work, and I needed a new one to write out your dosage.
Mr. Thompson: Oh. [pause] Awesome.
There's a whistle from outside, and Elliot turns to look out the observation window at Dr. Cox doing a peppy little "I told you so" jig.
HALL J.D. is walking through. Carla comes up behind and jumps on his back.
Carla: I felt nothing for him! How cool is that!
J.D.: I had a dream just like this...except I had a saddle on my back and you were an Indian. Turk was a donkey.
She hops off.
Carla: I'm gonna go tell Turk.
She happily rushes off.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Awww, that's great. She's gonna go-- Wait, what?
Cut to... SURGERY Carla knocks on the observation window of the OR, where Turk is operating. Just as he turns around to look, J.D. arrives and jerks Carla out of sight.
Away from the window, J.D. holds tight to Carla, his hand over her mouth.
J.D.: Whatever you do, don't scream.
He carefully takes his hand away, trusting her to obey.
Carla: Why would I scream?
J.D.: I don't know. People always said that in the movies. Anyway, I don't think Turk's gonna be as excited about your big date as you are. All right? He _definitely_ won't love the fact that I knew about it. So just...tell him in five years.
- FANTASY: TURK AND CARLA'S APARTMENT (FORMERLY TURK AND J.D.'S)
A slightly older Turk and Carla sit side by side on the couch.
Turk: You did what!?
- BACK TO REALITY
J.D.: Make that twenty years.
- FANTASY: TURK AND CARLA'S APARTMENT
A much older Turk and Carla sit side by side on the couch.
Turk: Honey, that was a long time ago.
He turns to look at J.D., who has not aged well at all -- all pot-bellied and grey where he's not actually bald.
Turk: Why are you still living here?
J.D.: Because I've got nowhere else to go!
- BACK TO REALITY
Carla: But still, what if I want to tell him?
J.D.: Well, that's up to you, isn't it! Gotta go!
He rattles his Mardi Gras beads at her as he goes.
Carla: Damn beads.
ELEVATOR J.D. and Turk are already on. The Janitor boards and the door closes. They start laughing at him.
Janitor: Yuk it up, I don't care. I'm getting the last laugh! 'Cause my brother's waiting for me downstairs, and when these elevator doors open, you'll see, he's gonna be staring right at you two guys.
They all stand there and wait for the big moment. The elevator arrives and the doors open. No one is standing there.
Janitor: Okay, I don't know what I thought was gonna happen, but I think we can all agree that this isn't working out, it's costing me a tremendous amount of time and effort, so let's just call it a draw.
He starts to disembark.
Turk: Hell, no! You lost! Live with it!
The Janitor sags.
J.D.'s Narration: It's hard when you lose for the first time.
Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Dr. Cox is there. Elliot arrives.
J.D.'s Narration: It's even harder when it's the hundredth time.
Dr. Cox: Say it.
Elliot: You're always right.
Dr. Cox: I know! But it is still so nice to hear it.
Elliot: How did you know that he was lying?
Dr. Cox: Well, you said that he wasn't; and as a rule, I always take whatever you say and just go in the exact opposite direction with it. But, more than that, Barbie, the main reason is because...well, lookit, medicine is all about experience. Hell, wouldja...[snickers]...wouldja like to go ahead and have a look at who the last doctor was to give Thompson drugs?
He hands the chart over and she reads it.
Dr. Cox: [covering mouth in mock surprise] Oh!
Elliot: Why didn't you say something earlier?
Dr. Cox: What, give up my front-row seat to Barbie's Wild Ride? [girl voice] "He's a drug addict! He's not a drug addict! You [gasp] make [gasp] me [gasp] doubt [gasp] my [gasp] self!
He blubbers and goes off, continuing his rant. Elliot rolls her eyes.
Dr. Cox: [continuing with voice] "You're more interested in being right than doing what's right! And I just couldn't take it! Can't take it anymore!" [continues whining]
Meanwhile... CAFETERIA Carla and Turk are at a table together.
J.D.'s Narration: And yet sometimes losing is a good thing.
A female staffer passes their table. Carla waits impatiently as Turk stares straight ahead, not risking the slightest glance, failing to notice that his knife is nowhere near to cutting anything on his plate.
J.D.'s Narration: Like, for instance, when you lose your insecurities about the guy you're marrying, which makes it a whole lot easier to cut him some slack once in a while.
Carla: Go ahead, look.
Turk: Really, baby?
Carla: Yeah. Besides, you're cutting up your napkin.
He happily puts down his eating utensils and gives Carla's bare shoulder a kiss before turning his full attention to the bottom next to him.
Meanwhile... HALL J.D. and the Janitor walk towards the exit together.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess you can never underestimate how the smallest gesture can make everything better.
J.D.: You know, for a minute there I actually thought you had a twin brother.
Janitor: Was it when my twin brother was here?
J.D.: Stop it.
J.D. puts his arm around the big guy's shoulder.
Janitor: Too much.
They go out the door and go their separate ways, J.D. taking one last opportunity to give the Janitor a friendly smack on the butt.