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DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT -- EVENING Cox grabs the paper on his way in the front door, immediately flopping into a chair at the dining table. Jordan grabs the paper from his face, alerting him to the presence of Jack at the table.
Jordan: [Handing him a fork] Welcome home, Perry. Here's the new program: You occasionally lift a finger helping with Jack, and I'm gonna try to keep from hating the unborn baby in my belly that's made my ass so big, I can't fit the whole thing on a toilet when I pee eight hundred times a day! I can't.
She goes into the living room as Cox shovels a bit of food onto the fork and holds it out to Jack.
Dr. Cox: You love spaghetti. You had some just last night, didn't ya?
Jack: No, I didn't!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, the boy is lying to me.
Jordan: Oh, Perry, nobody likes a tattle-tail!
Jack: Nobody does, Perry!
A handful of spaghetti is pelted into Perry's face.
Cut to... JACK'S BEDROOM -- LATER Dr. Cox tucks Jack into bed.
Dr. Cox: All right, champ. Just in case you get hungry later on....
A large handful of spaghetti is dropped on Jack's face. Cox laughs gleefully.
SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS Turk and Elliot are at the front desk.
Turk: [Messing with his cell phone] Yo, Elliot...what's your ringtone?
Elliot: "Jesus, Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.
Todd: [Stopping] I'm carrying underwood right now. See, that's funny because it's true. [Holds up his hand for a five, but Elliot looks disgusted.] Please?
Elliot: [Gives him the five.] But that's all you get for the rest of the year, Todd.
He nods reluctantly and leaves.
Turk: I'm downloading 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye." When that bad boy starts a-jumpin', I defy anyone not to shake their butt to it. I'm bringing it back.
Elliot: Just like you brought back Pop-Rocks?
Turk: Teddy boy!
Across the room, Ted opens his mouth to reveal the sizzling Pop Rocks inside.
Elliot: Yeah, well, you're not as big a trend-setter as you think you are. Right, Keith?
She turns to Keith, who sheepishly opens his sizzling Pop Rock-filled mouth.
Elliot: [Disappointed] Ohh.
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I spent my free time getting coworkers I just met pregnant.
Cut to... KIM'S APARTMENT J.D. and Kim stand in the living room.
J.D.: You're pregnant? [She nods.] Are you sure?
Kim: [Holding up a dozen home tests] I'm pretty sure.
J.D.: Uh, Kim, I'm not really sure how to phrase this, so I'm just gonna dive right in: Have there been other penises?
Kim: It's yours, J.D.
J.D.: [Not cool] Cool.
Kim: Are you okay?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Aaaaauuuuugggggghhhhhh!!!!!!
J.D.: Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen the inside of your apartment before.
Kim: Said the father of my unborn child. Heh! That was a joke. [Nothing from J.D.] Oh, come on. No laugh from a guy who, when he orders a coffee, says "Thanks a latte!"
J.D.: Well, that's different, Kim, that's hilarious. This is life-changing.
Kim: We can get through this.
J.D.: You know what else is pretty classic -- when the coffee guy asks for money, you say, "Sorry, my wallet's in my other pair of mocha-chinos." That always gets 'em.
Kim's beeper goes off, and she looks at it.
Kim: Ah, dammit. I have to go to the hospital.
J.D.: Scone is also a--a funny word; but I don't like them, I prefer croissants.
Kim: You're clearly freaking out, so, um, you need to promise me that you're gonna find somebody to talk to about this while I'm gone.
J.D.: Please! I'll be fine. You be careful -- you're walking for two!
She nods and leaves.
J.D.: [Dialing his phone] Call Turk.
Meanwhile... SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS Everybody dances to Turk's ringtone.
♪ Just another player in your game for two / You may hate me, but it ain't no lie / Baby, bye bye bye! ♪
Elliot: [Dancing] You were right, Turk.
Turk: [Dancing] Hell, yeah!
Dr. Kelso: [Not dancing] All right! All right! Now listen! This is a hospital, not a discotheque! Turn that damn thing off!
Meanwhile... KIM'S APARTMENT J.D. paces into the kitchen, his phone to his ear.
J.D.: Come on, buddy. Please pick up.
Meanwhile... SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS Dr. Kelso has caved in to the 'N Sync magic.
♪ ...Bye bye / Don't wanna be a fool for you / Just another player in your game for two... ♪
Dr. Kelso: [Dancing] This is pretty catchy.
♪ 'Cause you may hate me but it ain't no lie / Baby, bye bye bye-- ♪
The song suddenly stops.
Meanwhile... KIM'S APARTMENT J.D. hangs up.
J.D.'s Thoughts: No problem. I'll just go chill at my deck with a little vino.
He grabs an armful of wine bottles off the counter.
Fade to... J.D.'S HALF ACRE A couple empty bottles before him, J.D. lounges on a lawn chair and nurses another bottle of wine as ABBA's "Dancing Queen" fills the evening air around him.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, it was still a hangout spot for gay seniors.
The camera pulls back to reveal the deck full of dancing guys.
J.D.: [Jumps up.] All right! That's enough! [Sloshed] I have seen Les Mis over a dozen times, so I have nothing against giant queens per se, all right? In fact, my life would be a whole lot easier if I was married to one of you guys.... Excuse me.
He passes out.
Queen: You heard him, girls. Let's roll!
Gays: Yeah! Wooo!
OK Go's "Here It Goes Again" starts up.
HIGHWAY A caravan of cars drive along, with J.D. still passed out in the backseat of one, a colorful neckerchief tied around his neck.
LAS VEGAS The caravan arrives on the strip.
CHAPEL One of the gays lets the unconscious J.D. rest his head on his shoulder as they stand before the Elvis impersonator performing the ceremony.
J.D. finally comes to and looks around. He shrieks and flees, all the gays running out after him.
ALLEY J.D. zips around a corner, giving the pursuing gays the slip as he sneaks into a door, without noticing the sign on it: STAGE DOOR
STAGE Slightly confused, J.D. slows down as he takes in his surroundings, the crowd, and the giant spotlight suddenly fixed on him.
Across the stage, the Blue Man Group give each other a quizzical expression, then aim a large contraption at J.D. The crowd cheers in anticipation, and a powerful stream of blue paint is shot at J.D., followed by a gust of red glitter.
The crowd raises their hands, and J.D. victoriously does the same. He's a star! Well, for a second, anyway, until a mob of security guards tackle him to the ground.
The Blue Man Group comes over to see, then raise their arms. The song fades.
- END MONTAGE::
SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS Turk's phone goes off, and everyone is dancing.
Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! "Las Vegas Police Department." [Answering] Hello?
Cut to... LAS VEGAS POLICE DEPARTMENT -- EXTERIOR Turk and still paint-spattered and glittery J.D. come out.
J.D.: Why didn't you answer your phone when I called you?
Turk: [Holds up his phone] I was dancing.
J.D.: Ohhhh. Wait, let me hear it.
Turk activates the ring. ♪ Ain't no lie -- ♪
J.D.: There it is.
♪ -- Baby, bye bye bye / Bye bye! ♪
SACRED HEART -- O.R. SCRUB ROOM Kim is in here alone, on her cell phone.
Kim: Well, look, I'm in surgery all morning, but we can meet for lunch, talk this through then, okay? Hello?
Meanwhile... PARKING LOT J.D. is out here on his phone.
Kim: [From phone, under a static noise] J.D., this is a really bad connection.
J.D.: Ted, please!
Ted is revealed to be seated on a nearby bench reading a paper, Pop Rocks sizzling in his open mouth, which he shuts, stifling the noise.
Ted plugs his nose, cutting off the noise completely.
J.D.: [To Kim] Okay, I'll see you at lunch.
He hangs up and heads back towards the building, but is stopped short by the Janitor.
Janitor: Hey, mojambo(?). This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show Old Glory a little respect and snap off a salute?
J.D.: [Gazes up at the bare pole.] There's no flag up there.
Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime, run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof...catch a parrot somehow...slap on an eyepatch...go to work with a caulk-gun, seal her up, make her watertight -- I can take her out to sea.
J.D.: Are you insane?
Janitor: Nah. I'm a pirate.
J.D.: Whatever. I'm--I--I--I'm not saluting a pole!
He storms off back into the hospital.
Janitor: And so it begins...again.
CAFETERIA -- LATER J.D. is at a table with Elliot, Dr. Cox, Turk, and Carla.
J.D.: My life is over.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on, you gotta focus on the positives. For instance, the medical miracle that is one woman actually impregnating another woman. [Clasps hands together in demonstration] Shadaisy!
Annoyed, J.D. leaves the table.
Turk: Coincidentally, I have a cousin named Shadaisy!
Dr. Cox: What?
Carla: J.D. needs us right now, okay? So this is what we're gonna do: Dr. Cox, you're backing off. Elliot, you go talk to him.
Elliot: Can't wait to talk to J.D. Maybe we can chat about how everyone in this frickin' hospital, other than me, is having a baby. I mean, seriously, [re: J.D.] having a baby, [to Carla] having a baby, [to Cox] having a second baby! [Shouting at the next table] Or having her husband's best friend's baby! That's right, Mona, everyone knows! [Mona leaves her table. From another table, Dr. Beardface looks up at the scene.] What are you looking at, Dr. Beardface? You want a kid? 'Cause I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Dr. Beardface: It's Beardfacé, dammit!
He angrily stands from his table. Elliot gives him a "So? Screw you!" look.
HALL Some interns are grouped together talking as Dr. Cox arrives in sweaty casual wear with his beeper in hand.
Dr. Cox: [Whistles.] Gather round, doomed new interns who just paged me! Quick question: What does this outfit tell you?
Dr. Kelso: [Stops and looks him up and down] You...are entering a Joe Piscopo look-alike contest?
He continues on.
Dr. Cox: It means that I was just working out -- which, incidentally, is the last remaining activity I have in my adult life that qualifies as "me time." Other activities recently crossed off of that list include my morning dump and all showers. You see, my dear son Jack has decided that those are team sports. However, I'm here, and I'm totally psyched to hear whatever the super-de-duper reason is that you paged me.
A male intern with a chart is shoved forward.
Male Intern: Mr. White's chart said to remove his eight stitches, but we counted nine. Should we leave one?
Dr. Cox: That's it. Every single one of you is gonna run laps around the hallways until I say stop.
They laugh nervously.
Dr. Cox: Think I'm kidding? Shyah! Shyah! [They flee.] Shyah shyah shyah! Shyah!
Jordan: [Weaving through the interns] Perry? What the hell? I just got a call from Jack's school. Apparently they served spaghetti for lunch, so he had some sort of Vietnam flashback. We're having a second baby. You need to deal with your anger issues.
Dr. Cox: I don't have any anger issues.
The interns run through, completing their first lap. One of the young females stops at Cox's side.
Female Intern: [Struggling for air] Dr. Cox, I'm sorry, but my asthma...is really...starting...to...[wheezes].
Dr. Cox: [Nods sympathetically for a few wheezes, then] GET OUTTA HERE!
She runs off again.
I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION An orderly parks a white-haired man in a wheelchair next to the desk, where the Janitor is writing in a legal pad.
Mr. O'Neil: What are you working on, young man?
Janitor: New ways to torture that guy. See?
We get a look at the pad, on which is written "NEW WAYS TO TORTURE THAT GUY" with an arrow, which he aims to line up with J.D. across the ward.
Follow to... I.C.U. -- WARD J.D. goes behind the privacy curtain of his young female patient.
J.D.: Mrs. Zeebee, I know that we were hoping that the pain around your areola was simple mastitis, but it turns out that it's breast cancer.
Mrs. ZeeBee: [Sighs heavily] I can't believe this is happening to me.
J.D.: Trust me, I know what you're going through. Just yesterday, I found out that my girlfriend--
Turk whips the curtain back and grabs J.D. by the shoulder.
Turk: 'Scuse us!
He jerks J.D. back and draws the curtain to separate them from the patient.
Turk: Dude, please tell me you're not comparing getting cancer to knocking up your girlfriend.
J.D.: I was trying to!
Turk: You can't pawn your personal stuff off on your patients!
J.D.: What about you and the motorcycle accident guy!?
PATIENT'S ROOM Turk stands at the bed of a bandaged guy.
Turk: So get this: My pregnant wife has decided that it's okay to steal my pillow in the middle of the night and sleep with it in between her legs! [Scoffs.]
Patient: When am I going in to surgery?
Turk: Oh, we can't start the surgery until the troopers find your foot.
- BACK TO PRESENT::
Turk: That was different. He said, "What's up?"
NURSES' STATION Dr. Cox and Carla are hanging out at the desk as the interns jog through on their next lap.
Dr. Cox: Hardly seems like much of a punishment for the kid from Kenya. I mean, God's sake, he could run all day.
Carla: You know, maybe Jordan's right -- maybe it's time you start dealing with your anger issues?
Dr. Cox: Carla, for something to be an issue, it needs to cause a problem. I mean, honestly, aside from having to -- by law -- remain thirty feet away from a certain telemarketer who I visited while he was eating his dinner, I don't see the downside.
Flash to... I.C.U. -- OBSERVATION ROOM Carla has brought Dr. Cox here to the bed of an older man.
Carla: Mr. Slydell here is suffering from peptic ulcer disease and hypertension -- two conditions you'll often see in very angry people.
Dr. Cox: Now, now, you don't know that this gentleman is angry.
Mr. Slydell: [Jabbing his remote] Damn it! Why won't this TV go on!?!?
He hurls the remote across the room.
Carla: [To Cox] That was the bed remote.
HALL Keith, with a large bottle of soda in hand, and Ted walk through.
Keith: Ted, I...I got the cola. Did you get the Pop Rocks?
Ted: No, the vending machine was out, so I went to the generic store and got some "Fizzy Pebbles."
Keith: Sure we should do this?
Ted: I'm sick of legends and hearsay, Keith! I have to know!
They slip into the door of a lab. The interns pass on their next lap through, jogging past the Nurses' Station, where Janitor and Mr. O'Neil are still together.
Janitor: [To the interns] No scuffing. No scuffing! [To Mr. O'Neil] Okay, what if...I get a sex-change operation, and I trick him into marrying me?
Mr. O'Neil: But if it doesn't work, you'll just be an older, fairly ugly, janitor woman.
Janitor: That's true.
Mr. O'Neil: [Chuckles] You know, you and I are quite a bit alike. I spent most of my life trying to become a lawyer. But I could never get my juris doctorate.
Janitor: How does that make us alike?
Mr. O'Neil: Ohh, I spent years trying to get that damn J.D....
There's a small explosion heard nearby, and Janitor turns to the windowed door of the lab where Keith and Ted, covered in foamy soda, laugh and cheer.
Ted: Ah-ha-haaaa! Hey! It's alive! & Keith: Woo-hooooooo! Wooooo!
They laugh and hug.
Janitor: [Sarcastic] Hey! That'll be fun to clean up!
NURSES' STATION -- PATIENT SIDE J.D. stands at the desk with Carla, Turk, and Elliot.
J.D.: You know what's so messed up about this whole baby thing? I mean, I feel like I'm drowning, and it hasn't even fazed Kim.
Meanwhile... O.R. Kim is in surgery, some hip-hop playing on the system in the background.
Kim: [Sobbing] Okay, let's, uh, close her up.
Nurse: Dr. Briggs? Why are you crying?
Kim: This song always gets me.
♪ ...for the funky cold medina. ♪
Kim: My brother was killed by a funky cold medina.
Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION -- PATIENT SIDE
Carla: I'm sorry, J.D., but you knew that this could happen when you had sex.
J.D.: I have to tell you guys something, but you have to promise not to laugh, okay?
Carla: Oh, no, absolutely. & Turk: I'll try. & Elliot: Right. Sure.
J.D.: Okay, on the night of said conception, uh, Kim and I nuded up, and um...the dirty talk began, and I got a little over-excited.
Turk: Ooooh! She like-a the dirty talk!
J.D.: No, I do. I find it gets the ladies going, but I occasionally get wrapped up in it myself, especially when I use some of my different voices....
Elliot: He does.
J.D.: Anyhoo, there was some unexpected friendly fire. And, uh, even though I never got a chance to enter..."the village"...uh, there was a..."airstrike" on one of the outlying regions--
Turk busts up laughing, and Carla yanks his ear to quiet him.
Turk: [Under breath] Thank you.
J.D.: Anyway, I spoke to the gals up in OB-G, and they said it's not uncommon for a woman to get pregnant even if there was no actual penetration.
Turk: [Near laughter] What you trying to tell us is that you...never actually had sex with her?
J.D.: No, I didn't have a condom.
They all stifle their giggles.
J.D.: And, uh, we decided not to have sex because -- here's the kicker -- I didn't want to get her pregnant.
They all lose it.
Turk: [Laughing] Oh, no you didn't!
J.D. rolls his eyes and heads back to the ward, to the bed of his patient.
J.D.'s Narration: As I thought about how Mrs. Zeebee and I had gotten such a raw deal, I realized how easy it was for doctors to see themselves in their patients.
Meanwhile... MR. SLYDELL'S ROOM Dr. Cox is at the man's bed.
J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's in the choices they made in their life...
Mr. Slydell: My anger not only cost me my health, it also cost me my job, my marriage...it cost me damn near everything.
Dr. Cox: [Floored] You're killing me.
Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Janitor is with Mr. O'Neil.
J.D.'s Narration: ...or the choices they didn't make...
Mr. O'Neil: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do -- start a family, see the world....
Janitor: Punch a whale?
Mr. O'Neil: No, I punched a whale, right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.
Meanwhile... MRS. ZEEBEE'S BED J.D. is lost in thought.
J.D.'s Narration: Either way, it forces you to face your problems head-on.
Kim comes up behind him.
Kim: There you are. You ready to grab some lunch so that we can talk?
J.D.'s Narration: Or not.
J.D.: You know what, Kim, I don't think I can handle this right now.
He walks off.
Kim: [To the air] Oh, okay. Yeah. That's great. Um....
The interns jog by behind her on their next lap.
SACRED HEART -- PARKING LOT Kim comes out and down the stairs, looking around, just as Turk and J.D. drive up in the mini.
Turk: Heads up.
J.D. dives down to the floor as Turk stops next to Kim.
Kim: You seen J.D.?
J.D. shakes his head "no."
Turk: I have not.
Kim: Any idea where he is?
J.D. makes a gesture jabbing at his palm, puffing a few breaths, and wiggling his fingers.
Turk: Teaching CPR to underprivileged youth at Lincoln Middle School on 18th Street.
J.D.'s Thoughts: [Giving thumbs' up] I can't believe he got that! We are so ready for that charades tournament on Saturday!
Kim: Come on, Turk, where is he?
Turk: [Stretching his arms high] You know, Kim, I'm sorry but I really have [points at the floor] no idea.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Traitor!
He moves and falls against the accelerator. The car zips off.
I.C.U. -- WARD Elliot and her interns stand around a patient bed playing a group patty-cake game.
Elliot and Interns: "Slide down the lily pad and go ker-plop!"
They laugh and cheer as Cox arrives.
Dr. Cox: Space-wasters, why haven't any of you placed a pulmonary artery cath on this guy?
Elliot: [Hushed] Hey, let's try to use our inside voice around the interns. We don't want to scare them.
Carla comes over from tending the patient in the next bed.
Dr. Cox: What kind of new crazy is this?
Carla: Oh, Elliot snapped a little and decided the interns were her babies.
Elliot: [To intern, baby-voiced] Oops, Jakie. Somebody's got a little smudgie on his face. [Licks her finger and wipes his cheek.] There you go.
Dr. Cox: [Moving on] Long as he gets done.
Carla: [Chasing after] Um, why doesn't Elliot have a freshly-ripped new one right now?
Dr. Cox: I'm not freshly ripping anybody anything anymore. I am done with anger.
They stop at the Nurses' Station, where Jordan is standing.
Jordan: Oh, is that gonna be like the time you quit drinking? 'Cause that was the longest twenty minutes of my life!
Dr. Cox: [Continuing on] Your sarcasm is wasted on me, you giant pregnant beast. This is an anger-free zone. There's no anger here. [Runs into the corner of the desk.] Oh! Guh! Counter! Ha ha haaaaa!
HALL The Janitor sprays a cleaner on a window and wipes. He looks off to the side and surreptitiously sprays a bit of the cleaner in his mouth. Kelso, passing behind him, stops and gives him a hard look.
Janitor: I filled it with blue Gatorade. I just do that to freak people out.
Dr. Kelso: Scintillating.
He starts to go off again, but Janitor stops him.
Janitor: Say, since we're small talking, let me--let me ask you a question: Do you have any...regrets about the way you lived your life? 'Cause I think I do.
Dr. Kelso: You've never been to Paris and cleaned a French toilet, huh?
Janitor: Oh! Haha, good one. No, that's not it. Come on, be straight with me. Do you think I'm wasting my life?
Dr. Kelso: Let's cut to the chase, freak-show. If you're a 44-year-old man wearing a jumpsuit and you are not climbing into the cockpit of a rocket ship, chances are you've made a lot of wrong turns along the way. Good talk!
He goes on.
He comforts himself with another shot from his spray bottle.
FIRST FLOOR HALL J.D. and Turk walk through.
Turk: Dude, what the hell am I supposed to tell Kim when she asks why I drove off like that?
J.D.: Tell her you hate white chicks. And then when she says, "No you don't," you say, "I mean 'White Chicks' the movie -- not a fan of those Wayans brothers." Then she'll laugh and forget why she was mad at you.
Turk: You're right! That'll work. But still, you need to man up and talk to her.
J.D.: You have no idea what I'm going through.
Turk: Really? 'Cause the last time I checked, I was having a kid, too.
J.D.: [Turns to face him] Yeah, that you planned with your wife, whose middle name you know. [Turks looks sheepish.] It's Juanita, Turk! Carla's middle name is Juanita!
Turk: I knew it was something Puerto Rican.
J.D.: What if Kim and I don't end up together? Okay? I already have enough trouble meeting girls. Can you imagine it now? "Hey, how you doin'? I'm J.D., [holds up an imaginary baby] and this little bugger right here already hates ya for not being his real mommy! Wanna get freaky? I'm apparently very fertile!" My life has changed forever! You wanna be like everybody else and say "Everything's gonna be just fine!"?
Turk: Dude, I'm your best friend -- I'll tell you whatever you want me to.
J.D. turns and sulks off.
DOCTORS' LOUNGE Cox enters to find Elliot working on her laptop.
Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie? Have you seen any of the interns around?
Elliot: Yeah. They did so well at rounds, I'm just letting them watch a show.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Hi, interns.
They're all sitting on the couch watching the TV.
Interns: [Vaguely acknowledging him] Hi.
Dr. Cox: [To Elliot] Look, you pretty obviously have short-circuited. Because the odds of you ever actually having a baby are roughly on a par with me finding the Loch Ness monster in my bathtub.
Intern: [Turning around] Shh! I can't hear the TV!
Dr. Cox: [Coming undone] Okay, ahaho!
He stalks over towards them.
Meanwhile... HOSPITAL EXTERIOR -- BENCH Jordan sits reading a magazine as a television set plummets into the cement from above.
Dr. Cox: [Waving from the window] Hi, honey!
Meanwhile... DOCTORS' LOUNGE
Dr. Cox: [Whistles] Hyah! Go on, get outta here! [The interns flee.] Come on! You too! Get outta here! Hyah! [Carla enters to see the scene.] Don't even say a word.
Carla: [Handing over a chart] Mr. Slydell's ulcer perforated and he bled out. He's dead.
Defeated, Cox leaves the room. Turk passes him on his way in, wrapping his arms around Carla from behind.
Turk: Well, if it isn't my beautiful bride, Carla Juanita Espinosa.
Carla: [Smile fades.] Juanita? You think my middle name is Juanita?
Turk: I am going to kill J.D.!
He turns and leaves.
NURSES' STATION -- PATIENT SIDE Dr. Kelso approaches J.D.
Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Dorian, look, uh, this is a bit awkward, but, uh, as chief of medicine, I feel obligated to ask you about your relationship with Dr. Briggs.... Was she naughty? I bet she's a hellcat.
J.D.: Get help, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Never mind. It's, uh, [points at head] better up here.
He leaves as Nurse Roberts approaches with a chart.
Nurse Roberts: Mrs. Zeebee's CAT-scan came back.
J.D.'s Thoughts: [Reading the chart] Oh, man. This just sucks.
Audioslave's "Be Yourself" comes up. J.D. approaches the woman's bed.
J.D.: [Sighs.] Mrs. Zeebee, unfortunately the cancer isn't localized just to your breast. We're gonna have to start chemo right away.
J.D.'s Narration: The most important thing to remember when you see yourself in a patient is that they're not actually you.
Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Janitor eyes Mr. O'Neil, whose appearance gradually morphs to that of the Janitor.
Meanwhile... MR. SLYDELL'S ROOM Dr. Cox pulls the sheet back and takes a hard look at the man, whose appearance gradually morphs to that of his own.
Meanwhile... MRS. ZEEBEE'S BED J.D. looks deeply at the woman's face.
J.D.'s Narration: In fact, sometimes, they're actually who we wish we had the courage to be.
Mrs. Zeebee: You know what? [To him, her face morphs to vaguely resemble J.D.'s] I'm gonna get through this. [Another morph, and she looks just like him] Just you watch. [There's a flash to end the "fantasy" and the woman appears as herself.] Not like I can change what's already happened. The only thing to do is move forward and deal with it. Right?
Cut to... HOSPITAL EXTERIOR -- WHEELHAIR RAMP J.D. exits the building.
J.D.'s Narration: Right then, I knew exactly what I had to do, come hell or high water.
He trips over a low string held taught before him.
J.D.: Whoa! [Hits the ground.] Oof!
He flops over onto his back as Turk and a couple janitors run over to him with some large cardboard stencils and cans of spraypaint.
Turk: Uh-huh! I got your Juanita. [Spraying J.D.] Juanita, huh? Well you can Jua-nita this right there.
Finished spraying, they peel their stencils off and step back, revealing the stars and stripes now adorning J.D.'s clothing. J.D. jumps up and takes in his appearance.
J.D.: What the hell?
Up on the roof above, Janitor sits on the edge, a rope around his waist.
Janitor: It's now or never.
He dives off the roof, swinging on his rope past a startled J.D., who he grabs and swings up to the top of the flagpole. He abandons J.D. up there and swings back down to the ground with a jubilant laugh.
J.D.: [Clinging to the pole] Are you gonna let me down anytime soon?
Janitor: Not until you spend a little time acting like a flag.
With the help of a rope, J.D. stretches his legs out horizontally to wave as a flag in the breeze.
J.D.'s Narration: As I acted like a flag, I sensed that the Janitor learned nothing from this experience.
Down below, a military man stops next to the Janitor and salutes J.D. Janitor proudly does the same.
Meanwhile... DR. COX & JORDAN'S APARTMENT Dr. Cox sits at the dining table with Jack, preparing a plate of food for the boy.
J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox, on the other hand, got halfway there. He may always be angry at work, but he had learned to control himself when it counts.
Dr. Cox: Jacky, would you like some hot dogs?
Jack: I don't want hot dogs!
He shoves the plate off the table, where it shatters below.
Dr. Cox: [Sighs, then grabs a nearby bowl with a smile.] That's okay, 'cause we've got your favorite yogurt.
Later... KIM'S APARTMENT She answers the knocking front door to see J.D. standing with a pizza box.
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I finally came through, even if it was a little late.
Kim smiles at him.
J.D.: Can we talk?
Kim: That'd be great.
She invites him in. The song fades. Fade to black.