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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Mentor".

Act 1Edit

Open -- The Hospital, intensive care unit. Pan past the Nurses' Station, past Dr. Cox going into one of the cubicles, and enter the neighboring one where J.D. sits at the bedside of a man who is obviously unconscious.

J.D.'s Narration: The human brain is remarkable. Once a day for nine years, I thought I lost my watch 'cause I can't remember which wrist it's on.

J.D. looks at both of his wrists then, relieved, goes back to his patient.

J.D.'s Narration: And yet, just after two weeks, all the little things that scared me at first are like second nature. Catheters, chest tubes, IVs...

After a relaxed yawn, J.D. efficiently inserts an IV needle into the arm of his patient.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Everything has started to click.

He reaches down to turn on his walkman, Leroy's "Good Time" begins to play. He looks around the activity of the hospital to see that everyone is working to the beat of the music playing in his ears. When his patient suddenly wakes up and mouths some of the words to the song, J.D. looks up, somewhat confused by the surreal moment. Dr. Kelso is now directly in front of him, exaggeratedly lip-sync'ing the chorus of the song: "Are you having a good time?"

Dr. Kelso: [pulling one of the phones off of J.D.'s ear] Are you? Because if you have time to listen to music, then I assume you have time to finish your paperwork!

J.D. hustles down the hall past the Janitor, who is standing against his broom.

Janitor: [singing to self] "...Having a good time...."

J.D., somewhat baffled, stops to look at him.

Janitor: Keep movin'.



My Mentor

The Hospital, exterior, daytime. J.D. is coming to work.

J.D.'s Narration: That workday started like every other.

Cut to: Hospital, interior - Admissions Area. J.D. is leaning on the front desk, writing in a chart. The Janitor is on a ladder in front of him, ostensibly fixing a light, but he just stares at J.D.

J.D.: How's it going?

Janitor: I'm 37 years old, and I'm a janitor; how do you think it's going?

J.D.: Now, there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.

Janitor: Really? Thank you.'ve turned my life around. I'm gonna have to go tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living; and that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whoozitz.... Dr. Nothin'.

J.D., tired of being mocked, closes his chart and walks past

Janitor: [continuing] No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.


Exterior shot of Turk and J.D.'s apartment building, nighttime.

J.D.'s Narration: Luckily, I had that night off to regroup.

Cut to: Interior - the living room. J.D., Turk, and Elliot are here.

Elliot: Your dog is creepy.

J.D.: Aww... be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.

He pets "Rowdy" who is a preserved Yellow Labrador

Elliot: Ew.

She goes into the bathroom and closes the door.

Turk: Okay, dude, why is she here all the time?

J.D.: Just give her a chance, man.

He picks up Rowdy and carries him across the room.

Turk: Ohh... you want to hit that!

J.D.: Nooo....

Turk: Yeah!

J.D.: No. She's just a friend, man.

He sets rowdy down in front of a door

Turk: [not buying it] Yeah.

J.D.: I think it's healthy hanging out with a girl without the ultimate goal being sex. You know?

Turk: I'm not following you.

Elliot emerges from the room, nearly running into Rowdy. She shrieks

Elliot: Creepy.... I had a run-in with that Nurse Carla yesterday. She forgot to check out the stats on a patient, and then she gave me attitude about it.

J.D.: What'd you tell on her, or something?

      • Flashback: The hospital.

Dr. Kelso, Elliot, and Carla stand at the bedside of a patient.

Dr. Kelso: Who's responsible for this?

Elliot: [turning to Carla] She is.

      • End Flashback.

Elliot: I don't remember... And why would you automatically assume it was my fault?

She continues explaining herself, but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Thoughts: It would be a good point, except that Elliot puts her foot in her mouth. A lot. She can't really seem to stop.

Elliot: [continuing] Just because I occasionally say something stupid doesn't mean I'm in the hospital going door to door annoying people, like some crazed Jehovah's Witness.

J.D. uncomfortably gestures towards Turk, who has been sitting on the couch next to Elliot reading the paper.

Elliot: [to Turk] Oh. You're not?

Turk: No.

Elliot laughs, relieved.

Turk: But my mother is.

He gets off the couch and leaves the room as Elliot chokes on her beverage.

J.D.: He's black, too. You should tease him about that.

Elliot gives him a "thanks for nothing" look.


A private hospital room, daytime. Carla is checking a patient as J.D. looks on.

J.D.'s Narration: Me, I'm doing better with new people. Like Carla, for instance.

Carla: Hey, Bambi; that blond stick you hang out with? Tell her...(laced with much attitude and authority)Que se cuide la nalguita esa, porque si no le voy a tumbar todo el tinte rubio de la cabeza.

J.D.: You might have to write that down for me.

J.D.'s Narration: And Dr. Cox, we've really connected.

Dr. Cox enters the room.

J.D.'s Narration: I'm kinda like his protege.

Dr. Cox: I need to see his chart---

J.D.: [talking over him, and handing him a chart] Done. Copied. And Highlighted.

Dr. Cox: Unfortunately, Radar, I'm fresh out of gold stars. [reading] Multilobar pneumonia at 31...? How much does this guy smoke?

J.D.: I dunno.

Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, it's your attention to detail that impresses me most. [to the patient, Will] How many packs a day, genius.

Will: Half a pack.

Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day... really.

Will: Eleven.

J.D. looks shocked

Will: [pleased with his wit] Now you don't know where I'm coming from!

Dr. Cox utters an attention-getting, no-nonsense whistle

Will: Two or three packs.

Dr. Cox: [to J.D.] Well, let's hear it...

J.D.: Oh, I don't smoke, so... zero packs.

Dr. Cox, obviously tensed, stretches some of the kinks out of his neck. We hear exaggerated cracking sounds.

Carla: [quietly to J.D.] What tests have you ordered?

J.D.: Oh. [laughing] I know, I was just totally kidding with you.

Will: [sitting up] He was... We're all in on it.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I like Will. That actually makes this harder.

J.D.: I ordered blood cultures, and a high-resolution CT.

Will: What are you looking for?

Dr. Cox: Cancer.

J.D.'s Thoughts: When you say the word "cancer", every person reacts the same way.

Will: [giving a thumb's up] Excellent.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Not like that.

Will's face drops, and he collapses back on to the bed.

J.D.'s Thoughts: There it is.


The Hospital Cafeteria. J.D. sits at a table across from Turk and Todd, who are enthusiastically eating

J.D.'s Narration: I never really know what to say to Turk's stupid surgery buddies. But I'm getting better.

J.D.: So....How's surgery?

Todd: It rocks... But my bedroom, that's where I really operate! Am I right? [laughing] Come on, show Todd some love!

He holds his hand high to J.D.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I hate showing Todd love.

J.D. tentatively holds his hand out, and Todd slaps it hard, causing J.D. to whimper softly.

Carla: [approaching the table] Hey, Bambi. Why are you over here slumming with these scalpel jocks?

Turk: Please baby, this, here, is the V.I.P table.

Carla gives him an unimpressed look.

Turk: Why don't you sit your fine self down?

Rolling her eyes, Carla walks on.

J.D.: [mocking] "Baby, this, here, is the V.I.P table..."

He and Todd laugh.

Turk: I'm not really interested in her.

Todd: Yeah? Then maybe the Todd'll show that little biscuit some love! [he laughs]

        • Fantasy shot: J.D. watches from across the table as Turk grabs Todd's head, twists it, and lets it drop to his tray of food.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Maybe he's a little interested.

Todd: Fine. Todd'll show himself some love.


The Hallway. Turk and J.D. are walking towards the Nurses' Station

Turk: I'm thinking about asking Carla out today. What do you think?

J.D.: I think the janitor's out to get me.

Turk: Wow. Thank you so much for your help. You know what? Why don't you be just a little bit more paranoid.

J.D. stops, and Turk continues on down the hall.

J.D.: Wait, Turk.

Directly in front of him is the janitor, standing next to a tough-looking bald man.

Janitor: [to tough guy] That's him.

Cut to: Nurses' Station. Elliot approaches the desk in front of Carla.

Elliot: Hi, how are you? [met with silence] Um... I need, uh, David Farr's chart?

Nurse Roberts: We all need lots of things.

Elliot: [sarcastic] Great.

Dr. Kelso passes behind her. Elliot stops him

Elliot: Uh, Dr. Kelso! [she faces the nurses] You're the Chief of Medicine, is there a 'special' way to communicate with the nursing staff that I'm not getting?

Dr. Kelso: [saccharine-tone] Well, uh, sugar won't work because they're already so sweet.

The nurses smile as he pulls Elliot aside.

Dr. Kelso: Now, listen Dr...Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, you tattled yesterday, I responded -- I feel closer to you than ever, really -- but the ramifications are yours. So don't try to drag me into your pathetic, whiny, little squabble with that God-awful bunch of malcontents. I hope you all kill each other! [turning back to the nurses, smiling and saccharine once again] Have a great day, ladies.

He walks off and the nurses wave after him demurely.

Elliot: [helplessly] I hate this place.


The Hallway. J.D. strides toward Dr. Cox who is impatiently waiting for the elevator.

J.D.: Dr. Cox; I got, uh, Will's CT results back. No cancer! So, uh, what should I tell him?

Dr. Cox: I'd open with that.

J.D.: Right, it's just, you know, he's headed down such a bad road, I thought you and I could talk to him....

J.D.'s Narration: When you really lock in with a mentor, you start to understand the meaning behind their words.

Dr. Cox: [disinterested] You do whatever you want.

J.D.'s Narration: Means, "Great idea!"

Dr. Cox: [grinning] I'm, um, I'm just happy you haven't messed up yet today.

J.D.'s Narration: Means, "You're really coming along as a doctor."

J.D. pats Dr. Cox on the shoulder.

Dr. Cox: Don't. Ever. Touch me.

J.D.'s Narration: Means, Don't ever touch him.

Dr. Cox, tired of waiting for the elevator, walks off.

J.D.: [to self] Just thought it was a nice moment.

We finally hear the "ding" of the arriving elevator.


The Hallway. J.D. walks with Elliot, his hand on her shoulder. Suddenly, she turns in the other direction.

Elliot: No, I don't wanna.

J.D.: [pushing her on] No, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

They approach the desk at the Nurses' Station. Carla looks up from her computer work.

Elliot: Carla...I...shouldn't have told Dr. Kelso on you.

Carla: No, you shouldn't have.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Ahhh, the comfortable silences.

Carla: But thank you for apologizing.

J.D.: [on Elliot's look] Okay, good!

Elliot smiles and begins to walk off, but suddenly she turns back to face Carla.

Elliot: I--I just want to make one thing clear.

J.D.: No, see, nothing needs to be clear.

      • Fantasy Sequence: A cemetery, daytime.

A group of people dressed in black stand around an open grave. Elliot, dressed in her scrubs, is standing in the bottom of the grave, shoveling out more dirt.

Elliot: I still think you were in the wrong. Checking for the statics is your job, and I need to know that you're going to take care of it.

Cut to: a shot of Elliot's perspective from inside the grave. Carla, dressed in black, coldly flicks the ashes from a cigarette (in an antique holder) into the grave.

Elliot: [now lying in the bottom of the grave] That's all I'm saying.

      • End of Fantasy Sequence: J.D. tosses a single rose into the grave.

Elliot: [smiling] There. All better!

Carla stares daggers at her.


Will's Private Room. Will sits on his bed, as J.D. paces in front of him.

J.D.: So... yes! As of now, you have no signs of cancer.

Will: [jumping up, excited] Woo! Who rules? Will rules!

J.D.: Uh, Will, it's important you realize this isn't great news.

Will: Are you sure? 'Cause, that's how it first hit me.

J.D.: Yeah, well, Will, you're on a slippery slope, man.

He begins explaining the situation to Will, and is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: I had to scare him, but I had the sense he'd heard it all before. Luckily, part of being a doctor is your ability to improvise.

J.D.: [continuing] So, right now, the one thing that I want you to think about...

J.D. takes a small rectangular object -- an electrolarynx -- from his pocket and holds it to his throat. When he speaks, his voice has a fake, tinny quality:

J.D.: ...How would you like to sound like this?

Will: Let me see.

With a solemn look, Will takes the device and sits on his bed. He holds it to his throat and speaks:

Will: This is so cool!

J.D.: No, it's not.

Will: [still with the electrolarynx] Bwiddy-bwiddy-bwiddy. Okay, doc.

J.D.: [grabbing it] It's not a toy.

He looks at the device in his hand, then holds it up to his throat again.

J.D.: Would you like to play a game? [laughs]

Will grabs the electrolarynx, playing with it again. What he says with it is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, if all you have is old words, all you can do is put them together and hope they say something new.

J.D., taking the electrolarynx back, sits down on the other bed across from Will.

J.D.: Look, man, you're a great patient. I like you enough to hope I never see you again. But, I promise you, if you keep smoking, you'll be back here. I bet my own life on that.

Will nods.


The Hospital Hallway Elliot races through, past a few staff members. A man over the hospital intercom is calling her:

Intercom: Dr. Reid to room 402. Then down to 201. Then back up to room 403.

Elliot looks at her watch as she breathlessly runs past the Nurses' Station. Carla and the other nurses break into laughter and give each other five.

Turk and Todd approach.

Turk: I'm nervous, man. Why am I nervous?

Todd: Todd's your wing-man, buddy. I will not leave your side. [To Carla] Hey, baby.

Carla: Keep moving, frat boy.

Todd: [taking off] You got it.

Turk looks surprised and extremely nervous over his abandonment.

Carla: [to Turk] Come on. Out with it.

Turk: Don't rush me!

Carla gives him an "Excuse me?" look.

Turk: I mean... [suave] You shouldn't be impatient with what I think is the opportunity of a lifetime.

Carla: [deadpan] Mmm. Okay, so I'm gonna go sit down because, you're so sexy, my knees are weak.

She walks away.

Turk: Really?


Hospital Hallway J.D. is chasing after Dr. Cox.

J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox, I know I'm being annoying. But I--I'm really getting used to talking to patients. I mean, this is why I became a doctor; right? Right?

Dr. Cox: I heard "I know I'm being annoying," and then...white noise.

J.D.: Will, the pneumonia patient, I got him to quit smoking.

Dr. Cox: Forever?

J.D.: Yuh-huh!

Dr. Cox: No "last one"? 'Cause the last ones are better than sex, trust me, I've had about a thousand of them.

J.D.: Done forever. He swore to me. I just, I reached him! I reached him.

Now standing at the door which was his destination, Dr. Cox gives an impressed look before turning to open the door. Revealed is Will, standing in his hospital gown, smoking a cigarette.

Dr. Cox: [back to J.D.] You're having a big day, there, Susan.

With a wink, he walks through the door, past Will.

The Janitor then appears in the doorway, and blows smoke straight into J.D.'s face.

Janitor: Private party.

He slams the door.




Re-Open: The Doctors' Lounge A shot of a TV screen, on which a woman is removing her top for her co-star. Dr. Cox sits in a chair watching the television; another young intern, Doug, sits behind him, also watching. J.D. enters.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Gotta get right back up on the horse.

J.D.: Dr. Cox, about Will.

Dr. Cox: Not now. I have a ten-minute break, and my soap is on.

Doug, not enjoying the soap, picks up the remote. Even though Dr. Cox can't see this, he senses it.

Dr. Cox: [to Doug] Hey, uh, skeetch, if you do go ahead and change the channels, I swear I'll suture your hands together.

Doug drops the remote.

J.D.: Right, so with Will....

Dr. Cox: [referring to the soap] Oh, this woman is just fantastic. I mean, the breasts are probably fake, but, by God, those tears are real!

J.D.'s Thoughts: Time for a bold move.

J.D. approaches the television set and switches it off. The camera zooms in on Dr. Cox. We hear a snorting growl, and steam seems to come from his nostrils.

J.D.: I need to know how we're going to fix this thing with Will.

Dr. Cox: Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lap-dog privileges.

J.D.: Excuse me?

Dr. Cox: No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.

J.D.: [embarrassed] I'm not your lap-dog.

Dr. Cox: Hey you, back there, what do we do with lap-dogs who can't behave in the house.

Doug: [nervous] Make them stay outside?

Dr. Cox: That's right. [he begins to roll up some papers he had in his lap, and speaks to J.D.] You now have five seconds to get out of this room, otherwise I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this.

J.D. laughs nervously.

Dr. Cox: Don't laugh. This isn't a joke, newbie. Get. Out.

J.D.: But I was thinking that---

He is interrupted by the roll of paper that flies through the air in his direction. He flees the break room.

Dr. Cox: GO!

As soon as J.D. has cleared out, Dr. Cox snaps his fingers over his shoulder as a request for Doug to hand him the remote. He flicks on the TV.

Dr. Cox: [to Doug] What do you wanna watch, there, Captain Courage.

Doug: 'Days of Our Lives'?

Dr. Cox: Atta boy.


J.D. and Turk's apartment. Turk is lying on the couch watching TV and J.D. sits on one of the barstools behind him, eating cold cereal.

There's a knock on the door.

J.D.: Come in.

Elliot enters, looking further into the apartment. She screams as she nearly trips over Rowdy in the doorway. Turk and J.D. laugh.

Turk: Smells the food.

Elliot approaches the couch with a small paper sack in her hands.

Elliot: [to Turk] Hey, move your butt.

She sits next to him, and presents the sack.

Elliot: Umm... peace offering?

Turk gives her a token glance as he digs into the sack. He removes a large sandwich from it and begins eating, barely looking away from the television to listen to Elliot.

Elliot: Look, Turk, I know that I don't always make the best first impression....Or second, for that matter. [she, alone, laughs at the joke] Anyway, I'd like us to be friends, and I thought, you know, maybe I could get to know you a bit better....

J.D. picks up Rowdy and carries him across the room.

Elliot: ....See what you're about.... Uh....

Glancing around for some sort of safety net, Elliot notices a picture on the end table and picks it up.

Elliot: For instance, when did you meet Morgan Freeman?

Turk: That's my mom.

Elliot: [with her mouth full of her foot] I like her freckles!

As she goes to place the picture back on the table, she comes face-to-snout with Rowdy and nearly jumps out of her skin.

Elliot: Geez!!!

J.D.: [half-assed] Rowdy, no!

Elliot shoots him a dirty look.

J.D.: So, I still can't figure out why Dr. Cox tore me a new one today.

Turk: [close up] Oh, man, enough already. He's a jerk.

Elliot: [close up] He's a jerk.

Cut to: The Hospital...

Doug: [close up] He's a jerk!

Dr. Kelso: [close up] He's a jerk.

Janitor: [close up] You're a jerk.

Carla: [close up] He's just Dr. Cox.

The camera pulls back to reveal J.D. and Carla at the Nurses' Station.

Carla: He's always like that.

J.D.: Well, who really knows him? I mean, who does he hang out with here?

Carla: No one.

J.D.'s Thoughts: That must be lonely.

Carla: [reading one of the prescriptions she was sorting] "Take two Turks as needed, apply to sensitive area..." Who wrote this?

Turk: [stepping from around the corner] Whazzup.... [he and J.D. laugh] Oh, come on, Carla; give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.

Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from [she points to his midsection] down there. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing; and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "No." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite.

With that, she walks away.

J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex".

Turk shoots him a look.

J.D.: But it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.

Frustrated, Turk walks off.


The Hospital Cafeteria. Elliot has just assembled her tray of food, and heads toward the tables.

J.D.'s Narration: A hospital is a tricky place. I mean, it's very cliquey, and you have to watch what you say. It's a lot like high school.

      • Fantasy Sequence: The hospital cafeteria as that of a high school.

Dr. Kelso as the principal, and the nurses as the cheerleaders watch Elliot walking past the tables in full "geek" regalia: horn-rim glasses, oral retainer, band uniform. Not watching where she's going, Elliot trips and spills her tray of food all over the floor. The nurses/cheerleaders, surgeons/jocks, and other "students" laugh at her.

      • End of fantasy sequence as Elliot, in her scrubs in the hospital cafeteria, hurries to pick herself and her tray of food off the floor and scurries over to an empty table.

J.D.'s Narration: I'd like to think that if I didn't have somewhere else to be that I'd gone and sat with her. But, you see, tonight, there's somebody else I have to take care of.

Cut to: J.D., in casual clothes, with a 6-pack in hand, approaching the door of an apartment. He rings the bell. The door opens to reveal Dr. Cox. The sounds of a televised sporting event can be heard from inside the apartment.

J.D.: I know that watching Will slowly kill himself hurts you, too. That's even harder if you don't have anyone to talk about it with. So, when I got off work, I figured -- you know -- I was gonna pick up a few cold ones, right, and then maybe you and I, we'll--we'll talk it out, we'll just break the whole thing down. Right? What do you say to that?

Without a word, Dr. Cox slams the door on J.D., hitting him in the knee. J.D. grasps his leg and falls to the floor in pain.


The Hospital Hallway Elliot walks, talking to herself.

Elliot: I'm sick of this, everyone keeps ignoring me. I'm like a damn plague around here.

She glances back to see Turk walking behind her.

Turk: Please, don't look back at me when you're talking.

Elliot stops near the Nurses' Station, where she is met by Dr. Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, Dr. Reid. I just wanted to say you're out of my dog house. That was a great catch on that patient with meningoccocus.

Elliot: Well, that actually wasn't me, sir. Carla noticed the rash on his legs.

Dr. Kelso: Well, that's fascinating. You could have fallen back into my good graces, and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse.

He laughs, which makes Elliot laugh with him.

Dr. Kelso: How noble! I'll tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write "Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you!

He laughs heartily and walks past her down the hall. Turk, who had been standing by listening, suddenly "notices" the sign on the wall.

Turk: Nurses' Station.... So this is the Nurses' Station....

Using that as his excuse, he jets off in the other direction.


Dr. Cox's Apartment -- Living Room The room is decorated with muted gray tones and very angular furniture. J.D. is sitting on the couch with his foot propped up on the coffee table. Dr. Cox kneels in front of him, applying an ice pack.

J.D.: Do you think I've damaged the ligaments?

Dr. Cox: [getting up] I don't care.

He approaches his wet bar and makes himself a drink.

Dr. Cox: Now, can I count on you to never drop by here ever again, or should I just go ahead and move?

J.D.: Oh, you can't leave a place with this much warmth. I especially love the shelf filled with personal photos of your friends and family.

Shot of: A very sterile-looking glass shelf with several "blank" pieces of modern art. Dr. Cox swallows his drink bitterly, and, to illustrate his mood, we hear thunder clapping.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, if he comes at you, just try and roll out the door.

Dr. Cox: Well, actually, you have a point. [he sits on the couch next to J.D.] I guess watching the game by yourself with a scotch isn't, really, the only way to watch a game, huh. I don't know. I just, I've always thought of needing people as a sign of weakness.

J.D.: It's not.

Dr. Cox: Then, would you stay... and watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?

J.D.: [smiling] Of course I will.

Dr. Cox: I can braid your hair.

J.D. looks worried

Dr. Cox: [turning] No, I know the couch isn't very deep, but we can move the back cushion... and spoon.

J.D. looks terrified. Just then, Cox's front door opens, and several men happily walk in and greet him.

Dr. Cox: Hey, guys, whatta ya say. Beer and chips in the back.

The guys move on.

Dr. Cox: [to J.D.] Just ignore them. Will you tell me the answer to this question: Do you want to be the big spoon, or the little spoon?


The Hospital -- hallway. Turk and Carla are walking towards the Nurses' Station.

Turk: I'm telling ya, Kelso didn't even ask, and she gave you full credit.

Carla: I don't care. Too little, too late. Plus, I know why you're really here. So, I'm gonna park myself right here in the "V.I.P section," so you can give me what'cha got.

They giggle a bit before Turk's expression turns sincere.

Turk: I was gonna tell you how I busted J.D.'s chops the other day for wanting to be friends with a girl. And now I find it so amazing to see how strong you are, how well you carry yourself, how I'd give anything just to wake up in the morning and watch you read the paper. [his tone turns authoritative] But instead, I think you should hop off your broom for a second, try and remember what it was like when you first started here, and give Elliot a break. Because she may be a chore, but she is a good person. [then, quietly adding] Your ass is especially fine today.

He turns around to leave.

Carla: Pick me up tomorrow at seven.

Turk: [under his breath] She's not the only one that can do a speech. I can do a speech.


Dr. Cox's Apartment. Dr. Cox holds the front door open for J.D., who is limping towards it with the help of an umbrella.

Dr. Cox: You are to return that umbrella to me at the hospital, not here, is that clear?

J.D. hobbles out the door.

Dr. Cox: Hey, newbie. You know what your problem is?

J.D.: My bones hurt?

Dr. Cox: You were gonna, what, rescue me from loneliness with a three-dollar six-pack of light beer? It turns out, you can't save people from themselves, newbie. We just treat 'em. You treat that kid with a respiratory problem, and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that, too.

J.D.: [sarcastic] Well, thanks for the pick-me-up!

Dr. Cox: Hey! Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is that if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well... you're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all. Now... come here and gimme a hug.

Dr. Cox holds out his arms to him, but J.D. looks untrusting.

Dr. Cox: It's okay. Come here...Come here.

J.D. steps towards him.

Dr. Cox: Aw, get outta here! And take this piss-water with you. [he shoves the six-pack into J.D.'s hands] It's embarrassing to have it here.

Deeper inside the apartment, one of Cox's buddies pipes up...

Cox's Buddy: [out of view] I'll drink it!

Dr. Cox: Eh! [jerks the beer back] I'll take the beer. You beat it.

He slams the door.


The Hospital -- Admissions Area. Elliot stands, obviously asking a patient some questions. Turk pushes Carla in her direction.

Turk: Go apologize.

Carla: No, I don't wanna.

Turk: Okay, come on, come on, come on. Just do it really fast, like a Band-Aid.

Carla: [handing some papers to Elliot] Here, I wrote out the pharmacy renewals on all your patients.

Elliot: Wow. Great! Hey, you know what else would be really helpful...

Turk, standing behind Carla, frantically waves his hands at Elliot.

J.D.'s Narration: I think the one thing we never stop looking for is acceptance.

Elliot: [stopping herself] Thank you, Carla.

Carla: You're welcome.

Turk proudly throws his arm around Carla and they walk off.

J.D.'s Narration: Acceptance of our own shortcomings...

Elliot turns back to her patient, a woman with a bulging abdomen.

Elliot: So, when's the baby due?

Female Patient: What baby?

J.D.'s Narration: ...Acceptance that some things are gonna be what they're gonna be.

J.D. pushes Will, now dressed, in a wheelchair through the waiting room and to the front door of the hospital.

Will: This is a strange resort, man. I mean, this wheelchair service is great, but that suite I rented... there's another person in it. And for some reason, the bellhop gave me an enema.

J.D.: Yeah... he's new here.

Will stands.

Will: So... anything you wanna say?

J.D.: You know it all, man.

J.D.'s Narration: Still, I hated Will a little....

J.D. watches Will step out the door and light up a cigarette.

J.D.'s Narration: ...'Cause, thanks to him, I started to look at all the people who were important to me in terms of what will probably kill them.

Over a shot of Turk in their apartment, eating a sandwich: J.D.'s Narration: Heart Disease...

Over a shot of Dr. Cox in his apartment, taking a sip of liquor: J.D.'s Narration: Liver disease...

Over a shot of Elliot grimacing after saying something stupid: J.D.'s Narration: Somebody choking her...

Over a shot of J.D. looking at his reflection in one of the hospital's front windows: J.D.'s Narration: I dunno... Probably stress.

J.D. turns from the window and walks back in to the front desk of the hospital, where Dr. Cox stands, filling out a chart.

Dr. Cox: Say anything else to him?

J.D.: Nope.

Dr. Cox: But you wanted to.

J.D.: Yeah, but you told me not---

Dr. Cox: [cutting him off] Geez, J.D., would you be a man? Lookit, if you can't stick to your convictions, you'll never make it as a doctor.

J.D. squeezes his eyes shut and screams in frustration. Suddenly, his head explodes, and smoke billows around his shoulders.

Dr. Cox: [to J.D.'s neck] I can't believe your head exploded. If your head explodes, you'll never make it as a doctor. [the screen fades to black] I mean, come on, you look ridiculous.


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