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My Lucky Night transcript

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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Lucky Night".

ActEdit

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION J.D. is standing around, looking relaxed.

J.D.'s Narration: Hospitals are hectic. But there's a certain time every morning, after the bedpans have been emptied, that a calm washes over the place; and you can't help but feel peaceful.

Dr. Cox breezes by and whistles sharply, startling J.D.

J.D.: Holy Vishnu! [follows after] Look, we've been working together a while, could you not whistle at me?

Continue to... HALL

Dr. Cox: You're right, Newbie, we have been working together for a while. Of course, I wouldn't know the exact number of days unless I consulted my Friends For Life calendar that I keep taped inside my hope chest. Still....

He rambles on, but is drowned out by....

J.D.'s Narration: I've learned to make Dr. Cox's rants work for me.

J.D. zips away.

Follow to... I.C.U.

J.D.'s Narration: I catch up on paperwork; I look after patients...

He signs a chart as he passes Carla.

J.D.: Carla, can you check room air pulse ox on Mrs. Shipp?

Carla: You got it, Bambi.

J.D.'s Narration: ...I take care of those official things that just have to get done.

He passes the Janitor, who is leaned against the wall.

Janitor: You're a jerk.

J.D.: _You're_ a jerk!

And finally, J.D. zips back out into the hall and resumes following behind Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox: ...Long story short, there, Molly, I will always whistle at you like you're a blonde with big bombs and I'm a construction worker just released from prison. That clear?

J.D.: Crystal!

Dr. Cox: [whistles] Super!

J.D.: Uh, listen, while I have you here -- I'm applying for a fellowship, and I could really use a letter of recommendation. I was thinking that, when you wrote it, instead of using a girl's name you could refer to me as "Dr. Dorian." I think it sounds a little more professional and, frankly, each time you call me a girl's name, I die a little inside.

Dr. Cox: Look, Janice, Denise, Tiffany Amber Thiiiieeeessen! Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry's Perspective. One: If someone's standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can't decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called "Bring back the porn!" Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor -- nay, respected as a man -- is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone. Isn't that right, spike?

He looks over at a full body bag being wheeled past.

Dr. Cox: The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.

J.D.: I should get that tattooed on my neck.

Dr. Kelso arrives, with resident doctor Jeffrey Steadman in tow.

Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, Sacred Heart!

There's no response.

Dr. Steadman: Hey! Your Chief of Medicine just said good afternoon, people!

They all reluctantly wish Dr. Kelso a good afternoon.

J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Jeffrey Steadman -- world-class suck-up. Especially since the residency director position opened up.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Cox, you know Dr. Steadman.

Dr. Cox: You're a doctor? Here, all this time I had thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature who lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.

Dr. Steadman: [to Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.

J.D.: Well, I'm off to fluid rounds.

He takes off.

Cut to... BAR J.D., Turk, Carla (in an adorable poor boy hat), Elliot, and Sean are at a table, clinking their beverages in a toast.

J.D.: To fluid rounds!

Elliot: Mm! In the new Sea World dolphin show, Sean opens with this impression of a blowfish that will totally crack you guys up! Show them.

Sean: All right.

Sean fills his cheeks with air and makes a weird face.

Turk, Carla, and Elliot crack up. J.D. is not amused.

J.D.: What the hell, that's not funny! All he did was this--

J.D. tries to imitate Sean's blowfish. Nobody laughs.

Sean: Hey, you're not doing it right.

Elliot giggles.

J.D.'s Narration: It's never fun being the fifth wheel, especially when one of those wheels is Elliot's boyfriend. Still, I had decided to take the high road.

Sean takes a sip of his soda and chokes a little.

Sean: Hey, J.D., is this regular? I asked you to bring me a diet.

J.D.: That is diet....

FANTASY: A fat Sean gets up from the table, flailing his arms in frustration.

Sean: I don't understand! I'm so careful about what I eat, I'm--I just keep putting on weight!

Elliot: It's all the regular soda, Sean!

With that as her excuse, Elliot leaps from her seat and jumps J.D.

END FANTASY

J.D.: Enjoy.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Muahahahahahahaha! All right, that's enough.

ActEdit

SceneEdit

BAR The scene resumes, about 4 minutes later.

Sean: So, I'm leaving the day after tomorrow, uh, to work on this project studying the fishing industry's impact on Maui dolphins. Uh, they're an endangered species; if something isn't done soon they could actually be wiped off the face of the earth.

Turk and Carla are sympathetic.

Turk: Mmm. & Carla: Ohh.

J.D.: [yawns exaggeratedly] Fascinating stuff, Sean.

Sean notices a blonde across the room.

Sean: Oh, hey -- I used to date that girl.

The girl comes over to the table, putting her breasts right at J.D.'s eye level.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Hello, boys.

FANTASY SHOT: Elliot is in Sean's lap, her legs haphazardly wrapped around his shoulders.

Elliot: Hi, I'm Elliot. So, uh, you guys used to date?

END FANTASY SHOT

Sean's Ex: Nice to see you, Sean.

Sean: You, too, Mary...Angel...izabeth...?

Elliot snickers. Insulted and uncomfortable with the iciness, the girl leaves, taking her breasts with her.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Goodbye, boys....

Sean: You know, it's always awkward when you run into an ex, isn't it?

Turk: Tell me about it. I don't know how J.D. and Elliot do it.

Elliot chokes on her drink.

Sean: Do what?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no! I've got to stop this! Kick him!

J.D. kicks under the table, nearly throwing Carla out of the booth.

Carla: Oh!

Turk: You okay, baby?

Carla: [dazed] Yeah....

Turk: [shaking head] How they have sex every year and still manage to stay friends....

Sean is reasonably surprised.

Elliot: We haven't actually had a chance to talk about that yet. But thank you.

SceneEdit

HOSPITAL -- ?? J.D. is walking through. Nearby, the Janitor and his buddy Troy (from 2.04 and 2.14) beckon him.

Janitor: Hey. C'mere a sec -- we wanna do stuff to you.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Crap. The Janitor. And he's with Sloppy Joe Guy! Okay, just distract them before they do whatever they've got planned!

Janitor: We were thinkin'....

J.D.: I've got a riddle for you!

Troy: [to Janitor] This isn't how you said it would go.

Janitor: Troy! We're listening.

They turn their attention to J.D.

J.D.: Two coins add up to thirty cents and one of them is not a nickel.

Janitor: So what are they?

J.D.: It's a _riddle_. You figure it out.

With the two lost in thought, J.D. makes his escape.

Janitor: Troy, get your hat. We're going to the bank.

SceneEdit

ELEVATOR Sharing the ride with another doctor, Turk takes the quiet moment to make a note to himself on his memo tape recorder.

Turk: [into recorder] Post-op diagnosis: acute cholecystitis. Estimated blood loss: a hundred and fifty CCs and...

The doctor disembarks at her floor, leaving Turk alone.

Turk: [singing into recorder] "I don't know much / but I know I love you ooh ooh ooh / And that may be all I need to"--

The elevator opens to Carla, who is wearing pale green scrubs for a change.

Turk: [into recorder] --place a transfer to recovery room awake and stable.

He shuts off his recorder as Carla joins him in the elevator.

Turk: Hey, baby!

Carla: Heeeey!

Turk: Hey!

They kiss.

Carla: Mmmmmmm. Notice anything different?

Turk: Your tongue went counter-clockwise!

Carla: No!

He chuckles.

Carla: Green scrubs!

Turk: Ohhhh.

Carla: I'm covering for one of the surgical nurses. We could use the extra cash, plus we get to work side-by-side for the next two whole days. Isn't that great!

Turk is horrified, but covers well.

Turk: So great!

Carla: Right?

She leads him out of the elevator.

Turk: So [whimpers]......

SceneEdit

HALL Elliot and Sean are walking through.

Elliot: So, J.D. and I slept together. It's not that big a deal.

Sean: You know Betty from work -- I see her every day, right? How would you feel if I told you _we_ slept together?

Elliot: Well, I'd be disturbed, Sean, because Betty is a harp seal.

Sean: Yeah, but a harp seal who's smart, funny, and totally gets me!

Elliot: Oh, my God! Is anyone in more hell than me right now?

Meanwhile... ANOTHER HALL Turk and Carla are stopped by Todd and a bunch of the surgery boys.

Todd: Dude. We're goin' to the caf. so I can tell all the boys about my date with Strangely Attractive Intern! You in?

Turk looks interested, but...

Carla: Uhhh, I think that Turk is a little more mature than that.

Turk: She's right. [to Carla] But still, honey, what I think you're missing here is that, not only is she attractive, but she's _strangely_ attractive.

Carla is unmoved.

Turk: [pouty] Guys, I can't go!

The supposedly happy couple turns to go off in one direction, while the surgery boys take off in the other. Todd whispers to Turk over his shoulder:

Todd: "I'll miss you" high-five!

He high-fives the air, and Turk does likewise, slipping the imaginary high-five into his pocket to enjoy later.

Meanwhile... DR. COX'S APARTMENT Jordan's waiting on the couch while Dr. Cox and a blonde with big bombs end their happy, animated conversation.

Dr. Cox: [laughing] I know, isn't that a coincidence! Well, thank you for coming by!

He leads her to the door.

Dr. Cox: I'm sure we're gonna be in touch with you real soon.

After the door has shut, he turns to Jordan.

Dr. Cox: Our nanny just walked out the door. Gimme a break -- she's experienced, she has great credentials....

Jordan: Oh, no, no, she's got great, huge, perky credentials. She's out. Besides, she's too expensive.

She crosses the girl's name off the list in her lap.

Dr. Cox: About that, now, um, I've actually been thinking about going after that residency director job.

Jordan: Residency director?

Dr. Cox: Yeah-heah!

Jordan: But Perry, you realize if you did that, you would be taking a positive step in your life.

Dr. Cox: I...I know.

Jordan: Quick: First place we made love?

Dr. Cox: Oh, gimme a break. We've never..."_made love_".

Jordan: Whew, it is you. I'm so proud I could poo. Seriously, though, it's great! And it's a board decision, so I can help you out!

The doorbell rings.

Dr. Cox: No, no!

Jordan: Yes!

Perry goes over to answer the door.

Dr. Cox: No! I'm serious, Jordan, I don't believe in it. I'd make you swear on a Bible, but I know how contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle. So just...promise me?

Jordan: Oh, fine -- no help.

Dr. Cox: Great.

He opens the door to a giant, husky woman.

Dr. Cox: Holy cow!

Jordan gets up and peeks out the door.

Jordan: You're hired.

Nanny: [pumping fists] HUH!

SceneEdit

ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Sean and Elliot are on the couch in uncomfortable silence. A fly buzzes around.

Elliot: I cannot believe you're still angry about this.

Sean: I'm not angry.

Sean rolls up the newspaper he's holding and violently whacks at the fly landed on the coffee table.

Sean: ARGH! DIE! DIE, DIE, DIE! ROT IN HELL! [sighs] I got it.

Elliot: Okay, yes! J.D. and I work together! But it's not like we're crazy close! I mean, it's not like we have all these inside jokes! And we definitely don't do this....

She pushes him down on the couch and kisses him. The phone rings several times until the answering machine picks up.

J.D.: [on answering machine, doing a weird voice] Good evening, Elliot! This is your great aunt Sally. Are you there?

Elliot struggles to get up.

Elliot: I have to get that.

Sean holds her to him.

Sean: Nuh-uh.

J.D.: [on machine, laughs] I guess you're at Sean's. Hey, good thing we're so crazy close, or I wouldn't know how to impersonate your aunt Sally! By the way, I ran into Eye Patch this morning -- said to tell you, "Honka! Honka!"

Elliot busts up laughing.

Elliot: [giggling] It's just an inside...joke.

ActEdit

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION -- COFFEE AREA The Janitor and Troy are bent over the counter, sorting through some coins. J.D. passes them.

J.D.: [mocking] Doctors!

Janitor: Okay, come on: Two coins. Thirty cents. No nickels.

He picks through the coins some more.

Janitor: [to self] Come on! You can do this! You went to Harvard, for God's sake!

Troy: Relax! I figured it out.

Troy pushes his solution over to the Janitor.

Janitor: Okay.... You gave me a penny...and...what appears to be a button, on which you've written twenty-nine cents.

Troy: Can't we just kill him?

Janitor: [sly] No, no, no.... That's what he wants us to do.

SceneEdit

PARKING LOT -- DUSK J.D. has on a very tall bike helmet as he prepares to ride home. Dr. Cox approaches.

Dr. Cox: Just a real nice helmet, there, princess.

J.D.: Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a Hairmet -- it has extra room so you don't mess up your hairdo.

He takes off his Hairmet to show off his still-bouncy tresses. Dr. Cox reaches for his prescription pad and begins writing.

Dr. Cox: Fair enough. I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want--

He tears off the slip of paper and hands it to J.D.

Dr. Cox: --but right now, I'm goin' after that residency director gig, and you're joining me for a really stupid board member meet-and-greet.

J.D.: Will you write my recommendation?

Dr. Cox: Oh, hell no!

J.D.: Goodbye.

He shoves his helmet back on.

Dr. Cox: Oh, gimme a break! I'll write whatever you want! Just...we gotta go.

J.D.: Okay, fine. Lemme just fix my hair. Oh, wait!

He removes his Hairmet with a grand flourish.

J.D.: I don't have to!

Dr. Cox: Oh, good God!

SceneEdit

O.R. Dr. Wen, Todd, and Turk are in surgery, with Carla assisting.

Turk: Scalpel.

Carla: Scalpel what?

Turk: Scalpel, please.

Carla: Here you go, baby. Sorry: Dr. Baby. [giggles]

Dr. Wen: Shall we proceed, Dr. Baby?

Carla: [looking at the patient] You know, Buppy, this guy looks a lot like your waxer!

Todd: The Todd says, What now?

Turk: Nothing! She meant _her_ waxer, 'cause we're--- ...We're working, guys.

Dr. Wen: No, no, no. I wanna hear this.

Carla: It's no big deal. I make Turk wax his chest so he doesn't give me a rash.

Todd: Oh, okay. Does she also make you wax your vagina?

Todd and Dr. Wen laugh at the embarrassed Turk.

Todd: Sterile high-five!

They give each other five without actually making contact.

SceneEdit

ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Sean and Elliot are in the kitchen, with more silence.

Elliot: Are you even gonna talk to me?

He just looks at her.

Elliot: I'm sorry, okay? I didn't tell you that I slept with J.D. and that was a mistake. And, yes, we do talk all the time and have all these inside jokes, and he met my great aunt Sally when she came to the hospital with my demented great uncle who wears an eye patch and goes "honka! honka!" when he poops.

He continues to stare at her.

Elliot: And now you hate me.

Sean: Elliot, I don't...I don't hate you. Okay? I'm--I'm not even that mad at you.

Elliot: You're not?

Sean: No. How do I explain this.... You know when you have really bad news to give to someone? So you try to make them look like the bad guy by taking a small thing and blowing it way out of proportion?

Elliot: [smiling] Totally. So glad that has nothing to do with us!

Sean: Elliot, the trip that I'm leaving on tomorrow...it's actually a lot longer than I let on.

Elliot: What, like three days?

Sean: No....

Elliot: Four days?

Sean: Six months.

Elliot: Five days?

SceneEdit

BOARD MEMBER MEET-AND-GREET J.D. has his Hairmet in hand as he enjoys a refreshment. A female board member passes, a Hairmet in her hand.

Lady: Love your Hairmet.

J.D.: Love yours!

J.D. glances over at Dr. Cox, who is conversing with a silver-haired board member.

J.D.'s Narration: It was amazing to see how much Dr. Cox actually wanted this job. And how much he was willing to put up with to get it!

Man: So, the wife and I ended up buying Egyptian cotton bed sheets!

Dr. Cox: Gee, you're too much. What's the thread count on those bad boys?

J.D.'s Narration: I guess it was just amazing to see how much he cared.

Perry laughs miserably and, when his conversation partner turns away, whacks his head against a nearby support column.

Man: Uh, gotta go.

Dr. Kelso and Dr. Steadman approach.

Dr. Kelso: Well, well, well.... Snip my pickle and call me schlo-mo!

Steadman titters.

Dr. Kelso: You're not actually applying for residency director.

Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here, I like to think I've accomplished plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to, [slips into an excellent Kelso voice] "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now but, at the beep, leave your name and your penis size!"

Dr. Kelso: Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal, who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?

Dr. Steadman: Beeeeeeep.

Dr. Kelso: Bob Kelso. Ten inches.

Kelso walks off; Steadman follows after, stopping only to clarify to Dr. Cox....

Dr. Steadman: It's like a baguette!

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Turk is leaned over the desk, reading a chart. Carla runs up and throws her arms around him.

Carla: Hi!

Turk: Hey.

They kiss with a "mmmmmwah".

Carla: I can't tell you how awesome it was just getting to be with you today and watch you work.

Turk: [humoring her] I know, right!

Carla: Yeah!

Turk: But you know what? Schmitty heard that Nurse Green's been dying to cover surgery, and I said you wouldn't mind if she took your place tomorrow. Because, between me and you, Schmitty's been trying to hit that for like a minute, and I had to hook him up! You understand, right?

Carla: [hurt, but trying to cover] Sure. Mm-hmm. I'm...I'm glad we could help Schmitty hit that!

Turk: Yeah.

He goes off about his business.

J.D.'s Narration: Relationships can be tricky. Especially the ones that have barely begun.

Meanwhile... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Sean and Elliot are finally talking.

Sean: Look, Elliot, I'm crazy about you, but I've been going over this in my head all week. I've been in a long-distance relationship before, and it was a disaster. I've reached the point where I honestly believe a couple has a better chance if they just cut the cord and know that if it's meant to be, fate will bring them back together. You know?

Elliot: [heartbroken] Yeah.... Totally....

ActEdit

SceneEdit

PARKING LOT -- DAY J.D. is riding his bike in to work.

J.D.'s Thoughts: It's typical. Elliot's in a relationship, so I can't stop thinking about her. I just have to accept it and move on.

He rides near the hospital entrance, where Sean and Elliot are stopped, talking.

Sean: So I guess, uh...I guess this is goodbye.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Good what?

Distracted, J.D. runs his bike right into some hedges. He crashes with an "ook! agh!" Sean and Elliot are too engrossed in their conversation to notice.

Sean: Look, this doesn't have to be some huge sad thing, you know?

J.D. pokes his head out of the hedges to listen.

J.D.'s Thoughts: It's okay. They didn't see you.

There's a buzzing noise around J.D.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What the...?

Elliot: I know. It's just hard for me.

Suddenly, J.D. erupts from the hedge, flailing around and shrieking like a girl.

J.D.: Beeeee! BEEEEE! BEEEEEEEEE! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!

He races off, definitely getting Sean and Elliot's attention.

SceneEdit

O.R. -- SCRUB ROOM Turk is washing up for surgery, talking to himself.

Turk: I'm gonna scrubs my hands and do the "scrub my hands" dance! Scrub my--

Dr. Wen comes in, interrupting Turk's song and dance.

Dr. Wen: Christopher. I know it's a complicated procedure, but this afternoon I want you to assist me on a gastric bypass.

Turk: Gastric bypass?

Dr. Wen: Mm-hmm.

Turk: I'm goin' to the show?

Dr. Wen: Well, you've earned it -- you really turned it up a notch in surgery yesterday. I don't know if you had a lucky charm in that room, or what, but something was different.

Turk chuckles proudly until he realizes what his lucky charm was. He bolts from the room.

Flash to... NURSES' STATION Turk screeches to a stop in front of Carla.

Turk: Hey! [laughs] Hey, Baby! What's up? You know, I've been thinking: that _was_ a lot of fun working together.

Carla: Mm-hmmmm. And how long you been thinking about that?

Turk: Ever since Dr. Wen offered me a gastric bypass because I was so amazing yesterday, and I realized you're the reason why.

Carla: Really?

Turk: Yeah! Yeah. It's just like in high school -- I had this girlfriend who annoyed the crap out of me, but every time she came to one of my basketball games, I played like crazy out of my mind because all of a sudden I was playing for her. I wanted to make her proud. You understand what I'm saying?

Carla: You're saying I'm so annoying you can't stand working with me for even two days, but now that you have something to gain, you want me back.

Turk: Exactly. Thank you!

Carla: I didn't hear an apology anywhere in there!

Nurse Roberts passes behind Carla.

Nurse Roberts: All I heard was nonsense.

Turk: The truth is, you never asked me how I felt about us working together. Plus, you embarrassed me in front of my co-workers. You were a pain.

Carla: You know what? Maybe I was a pain, but do you know how many times you're a pain and I just let it go? Like when we're at home and you follow me from room to room, even when I go to the bathroom!

Turk: I like to be with you.

Carla: Pain! Or how you've decided that me making eye contact with you is my way of saying, "Please, grab my breasts."

Turk reaches out.

Carla: Don't.

Turk shrinks back.

Carla: Or that Aaron Neville impression you've been working on?

Turk: [scoffing] I don't do an Aaron Neville impre--

Carla: Laverne!

Nurse Roberts whips out Turk's memo recorder and plays it.

Turk's Recording: "I don't know much / but I know I love you ooh ooh ooh."

Nurse Roberts switches the tape off.

Carla: But the biggest pain of all is that you know I'd go into that operating room with you if you just apologized; but you're too stubborn to do that, aren't you.

Turk: [storming off] I am now!

SceneEdit

DOCTORS' LOUNGE Dr. Cox is treating J.D.'s red, swollen, blistered earlobe.

Dr. Cox: Tell me this, there, pippy: Are you allergic to bee stings?

J.D.: I don't know. Why?

Dr. Cox: Oh, it's just that it looks so painful and possibly infected that I must flick it!

He swats at J.D., who jumps back.

J.D.: You know what? Okay? This never would have happened if my Hairmet hadn't gotten stolen at your stupid suck-up fest last night!

He whips out a slightly wrinkled sheet of paper.

J.D.: Now, I took the liberty of writing the recommendation you promised me.

He hands it to Cox.

J.D.: All you have to do is sign right below where it says, "He makes me proud to be a doctor," and right above where it says, "P.S. He ain't too hard on the eyes, either!"

Dr. Cox: [signing] Tell you what, Newbie: This must be a very...very proud day for ya.

He hands the signed letter back.

J.D.: You can't make me feel guilty for asking for help. That's just the way the world works, okay? A-and you know what? Most people actually like helping out the people around them.

Carla enters to use the soda machine.

J.D.: Take Carla, for instance! Don't you think she'd do anything in the world to help out Turk, no matter what the situation?

Carla: Look! He didn't apologize! So just back the hell off, okay!

She leaves again, muttering to herself.

Carla: He messes up and I'm the one who gets...

J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Still, I don't even believe that you think asking for help makes you look weak; I think you don't do it because you're afraid of putting yourself out there. And that's why you're never gonna get anywhere.

He leaves. Then briefly comes back a second later, waving his letter.

J.D.: Thank you for this!

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Elliot is stood at the station, staring off into space. She comes to when Nurse Roberts passes her line of vision.

Elliot: Laverne, did you ever notice that in hospitals, even though you're surrounded by like hundreds of people, it's still so easy to get lost in your own thoughts?

Nurse Roberts: Have you been drinkin'?

Elliot walks off, losing herself in thought...

Elliot's Thoughts: What's wrong with me? Here I am trying not to let fear ruin my life anymore, and then Sean moves away and I don't even have the guts to tell him how I feel.

She passes J.D., and we join his thoughts...

J.D.'s Thoughts: ...how I feel. I mean, life's too short not to go for it with Elliot. Plus, now Sean's out of the picture? Stop being such a chicken!

He passes Turk...

Turk's Thoughts: ...such a chicken! I know it's a complicated procedure, but I can do it without Carla there! What am I so scared of?

He passes Dr. Cox...

Dr. Cox's Thoughts: ...what am I so scared of? That I might actually get this job, and have no one to blame it on if I fail? Good Lord, I'm pathetic! When was the last time...

He passes Carla...

Carla's thoughts: ...when was the last time he ever apologized for anything? I wanna help him, I do, but in a lot of ways I guess I'm as stubborn as he is. I wish I could make some sense out of...

She passes the Janitor...

Janitor's thoughts: ...I wish I could make some sense out of this. Thirty cents, to be exact. Damn riddle! Easy, Janitor; you'll get this.

SceneEdit

BUS DEPOT Elliot pulls up to a soon-to-depart bus. She leaps out of her car (with two different doors) and races over to the side of the bus, inside which is Sean.

Elliot: Sean! Sean!

He can't hear her, so she races up to the door and bangs on it. The driver opens it up for her.

Elliot: Sorry!

Bus Driver: No problem, little lady! I've never left a soul behind! Got your ticket?

Elliot: No. No, I just--

Bus Driver: Oh, well.

Elliot: --I just have to talk about--

She's cut off as the driver shuts the door on her. She whacks at it angrily.

Elliot: UGH!

Just then, her phone rings and she answers it.

Elliot: Hello.

Sean: [from phone] Elliot?

Elliot races back over to the side of the bus to look at Sean as she speaks to him on her phone.

Elliot: Sean! Sean! Okay.... Look, I know you hate long-distance relationships, but six months is nothing! I mean, it'll be hard and we'd be going a long time without sex, but I can totally go that long without sex! Sean, I am a sex camel! Look, the point is I'm not ready for this relationship to end; so, even if you break my heart right now, it's okay, because I'd regret it more if I didn't take this shot. So, what do you say?

She waits, but there's no response on the line as the bus pulls away.

SceneEdit

HOSPITAL -- I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION J.D. is approached by Troy and the Janitor.

Janitor: Hey. We solved your dumb game.

Troy: We been to the libary!

Janitor: "-brary," Troy. "Li-BRAR-y." Anyway, "What two coins, when you put 'em together, makes thirty cents and one of them isn't a nickel?" Hmmmm. A _penny_ and...a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly twenty-nine cents.

He presents a large reference book to J.D. and taps his temple, making a "pop" noise.

J.D.: Nope, nope, nope. The correct answer is: A quarter and a nickel.

Janitor: Uh, no. Because you said one of 'em _isn't_ a nickel.

J.D.: Right. The _other one_ is.

The Janitor's eyes widen in fury.

Janitor: You lied to me.

J.D.: No. It's a riddle.

Satisfied, J.D. walks off. Troy looks at the Janitor.

Troy: Ooh! Your face is red! Like a strawbrerry!

J.D.'s Narration: Pride's a funny thing....

Janitor: Don't have kids.

Cut to... BOARD ROOM Jordan and all the other board members sit around a table with Dr. Kelso and Steadman.

Dr. Kelso: So, shall we all just agree that Dr. Steadman is our new residency director and get the hell out of here?

Dr. Steadman: If anyone wants to stop by my condo to celebrate, my husband made sangria!

Dr. Kelso: Mmmmmmmm!

Dr. Cox enters.

Dr. Cox: Howdy, fellas. Don't ya--don't ya dare get up -- I don't want to see any broken hips.

J.D.'s Narration: A lot of times, pride can be pretty hard to swallow.

Dr. Cox takes a seat next to Jordan.

Dr. Cox: Would you please help me?

She smiles and turns to her colleagues.

Jordan: So! I think we should make Perry residency director.

Dr. Kelso laughs heartily. Steadman joins in.

Dr. Kelso: You honestly think the board would pick him because you had his love-baby?

Jordan: Oh, I don't know.... Of course, if they don't, I'm gonna bitch and moan about it until these nice gentlemen are dead.

Board Member: All those in favor of Dr. Cox?

They all raise their hands.

Other Members: Aye.

The meeting breaks up; Jordan and Perry get up to leave.

Dr. Cox: So I guess this pretty much makes me your bitch now.

Jordan: Oh, Perry, you always were.

She grabs his ass.

Dr. Cox: Oh, golly, God!

J.D.'s Narration: But still, in a good relationship, pride never gets in the way.

Cut to... O.R. Turk stands nervously at the operating table.

Dr. Wen: Christopher, you okay? You look a little nervous.

Carla, scrubbed for surgery, comes over and wipes his brow.

Carla: He'll be fine.

Turk: Carla! Look, I, uh....

Carla: You can tell me later.

Turk: Ohh.... M'kay. Let's do this! Scalpel!

Carla: Scalpel _what_?

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, even if I wanted to put my pride on the line and go tell Elliot how I feel, I can't -- I have to work tonight.

Cut to... ADMISSIONS -- EVENING J.D. stands forlorn, waiting for his shift to start. Dr. Cox approaches.

Dr. Cox: Say, Newbie, seeing as you are partially responsible for me being the new residency director, I'm gonna go ahead and give you the rest of the night off. I--I--I--I don't know, it's just kind of my own personal way of saying...I can't actually stand the sight of you. Ha!

He goes about his business.

J.D.'s Thoughts: I still don't think I should go see her.

A page comes over the hospital intercom...

Intercom: Doctors Leeve and Winnerback, please report to the E.R. Leeve and Winnerback.

A slightly stunned guy stops next to J.D., dropping a small bouquet of flowers into J.D.'s hands.

Guy: Here, buddy. Baby wasn't mine.

Taking all that as a sign, J.D. rushes out. Tammany Hall NYC's "Cindy" comes up. ...And sickeningly halts as soon as J.D. hits the wheelchair ramp.

J.D.: What the hell...?

The Janitor and Troy stand over J.D.'s mangled bike, a crowbar and a bat in hand.

Janitor: It's a riddle! Two guys destroyed your bike with a crowbar and a bat. One of 'em wasn't me!

J.D. shrugs off this setback by pushing between them and running down the street. "Cindy" comes back up.

As J.D. approaches Elliot's apartment, he spots her standing at the window, crying. He runs up and knocks the door.

Elliot: [weepy] Oh, J.D.!

J.D.: Elliot, there's something I have to tell you.

Sean comes out from deeper in the apartment.

Sean: Hey, buddy!

He wraps his arms around Elliot.

Elliot: Sean's taking a later flight tomorrow because we decided to make this long-distance thing work! I'm so happy, I can't stop crying!

Sean: [noticing J.D.'s bouquet] Oh, those are nice!

J.D.: Ohh, these? Uhh, I thought Elliot would be sad with you guys splitting up, so I just wanted to....

Elliot: Oh, that's so sweet! You can just put them next to Sean's.

Sean: Yeah.

J.D. looks over to a huge bouquet of roses in a vase on the table. He struggles to find a place to fit his inferior bouquet.

J.D.: Okay.... I'm not sure they....

Elliot sniffles back a few tears.

Sean: You okay?

Elliot: Yeah....

Fed up, J.D. plunges his bouquet right in the center of Sean's.

J.D.: Not sure they can...reach the water, but....

He leaves, letting the door slam shut.

Elliot: J.D.?

Sean: Huh....

The song fades as J.D. walks back down the street, alone...again.

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