J.D.: *In my four years there have been many emergencies at Sacred Heart, but none like this one, because today--* [In slow motion] Where is he? *Dr. Cox's son needed two stitches.* [He enters a patient's room] Dr. Cox, got here as soon as I--
Cox: Shut it, Newbie. Your blacker half is trying to concentrate.
J.D.: How are you holding up?
Turk: [His face soaked with sweat] I'm a little nervous.
J.D.: [His face now also soaked with sweat] Well now you make me all nervous.
Cox: I'd focus, because that tiny patch of skin on my son's forehead is more important to me than the entirety of your whole high-fiving, head-shaving, air-balling, mole-lipping, insulin-needing existence, which I guarantee you will come to an abrupt very unnatural end. [The Todd gulps.]
Turk: Okay, I'm done.
J.D.: *We all held our breath together.*
Cox: The surgeon lives! [The Todd faints]
J.D.: The Todd forgot to breathe again. Starting CPR.
Elliot: Mr. Gerst, what seems to be the problem?
Gerst: I took some pills.
Elliot: Come on, help me out here. Were they happy pills, sad pills, sleepy pills, wake up pills, sane pills, pain pills, brain pills, Spain pills...
Gerst: Man pills? The commercial says I should consult a physician if the condition persists for more than four hours.
Elliot: If what persists? [Mr. Gerst, who had a baseball cap on his lap stands up... And the baseball cap doesn't fall to the ground] Oh! Um... Let's just say you took uppers.
[Turk and J.D.'s Apartment]
Turk: Hey dude, check out what I found when I was taking out the trash! [He enters the room wearing a black top hat]
J.D.: That is the most ridiculous hat I've ever seen. *And I must have it.* Aren't you going to be late to meet Carla?
Turk: I've got time.
J.D.: *Turk and Carla were having relationship troubles so she'd been staying at Elliot's for a few days.* You were late the last time.
Turk: Yeah, but I set the clock ahead an hour last night so I wouldn't be late.
J.D.: Yeah, but last week I set it back three hours so we could see what it felt like to live in Honolulu.
Turk: Yeah, but then I set the clock ahead five hours so I wouldn't feel like a skeeve for watching porn in the middle of the day.
J.D.: But then I set it back forty-three minutes to 8:08, turned the clock upside-down to see if it looked like the word Bob, which incidentally, it totally does--
Turk: That's true.
J.D.: Which means that it's actually...
Turk: Oh my God, dude, I've got to be downtown in like eight minutes!
[On the Street]
Turk: Dude, we're never going to make it in time! Take the shortcut through that hedge!
J.D.: You got it, player! Hold on buddy! [They crash through the bush, but J.D. gets stuck. Turk is thrown off of the scooter]
Turk: That was a thick bush!
J.D.: Oh really, Turk, was it a thick bush? Because there's berries in my ass! Just go!
Turk: [As he's running, he bumps into someone] Sorry. My bad, dude, my bad. [His head is turned and he doesn't realize that he's running right into a row of motorcycles. He accidentally tips them over, angering some nearby bikers. He starts screaming for his life.]
J.D.: Don't worry, Turk, I got 'em! [Still riding his scooter--with a fair amount of shrubbery still surrounding him--he knocks the bikers down.] Strike!
Carla: Turk, why are you wearing pajamas?
Turk: Uh, I really want you to come home and on the off chance you said yes, I'd be ready to snuggle. And that would hopefully lead to but not necessarily require relations of the intimate nature.
Carla: Turk, with everything that's happened I'm just having trouble trusting you.
Turk: Baby, if there's anyone in this world that you can trust, it's me.
Carla: Turk, you're the one I don't know if I can trust, so how am I supposed to trust that I can trust you telling me that I can trust you?
Turk: My head hurts. [The scene shifts to the next table over, where J.D. is trying to keep a low profile.]
J.D.: I wish I knew how it was going. [He's sitting at a table with the bikers from earlier.] Sorry about your hogs, fellas. Enjoy the free espressos. [They all take a swig. The biker across from J.D. appears to be having trouble.] Warlord, I told you to sip it. Use your words.
Warlord: Warlord... burn mouth.
J.D.: Yeah he did, because he wasn't listening. [To the biker next to him.] Napkin on your lap, Satan's Valet. Thank you.
Cox: [Cox is sitting at a table, with Jack next to him in a stroller. A camera flash goes off.] Hey. What are you doing, Frankenstein?
Janitor: Photo journal. For my photography class.
Cox: Terrific, could I see your camera? [He pops open the back.] Very interesting. [He starts pulling out the undeveloped film.] Oh, there's film in it.
Janitor: Hey! All my pictures were in there! Dead patient with fancy shirt. Dead patient without fancy shirt. Me in fancy shirt being yelled at by angry family.
Cox: Do you have any idea what events would unfold if Jordan were to actually see that picture? It is a heartwrenching tale of woe involving Jordan's second cousin who plays for the New England Patriots and me having a Super Bowl ring removed from my esophagus. No, Jordan's never going to see these stitches.
Janitor: Well, I hope you realize this means war.
Cox: Ah, buzz off, you big monkey.
[At the Next Table...]
Elliot: Poor Mr. Gerst. I wonder what that's like, to have an erection for nine hours.
Todd: Ask me in twenty minutes.
Elliot: Oh, get this. He doesn't even have erectile dysfunction. I mean, why would you take those drugs if you didn't need them?
Cox: What's this? Why, it's a dummy-gram. And it's addressed to you, Barbie. Let's read it and find out what's in there. "You are disturbingly naive. Stop. Almost fifty percent of ED drugs are taken by recreational users. Stop."
Elliot: That can't be true.
Cox: [Whistling] Everyone. Would you go ahead and close your eyes for a second? Great. Now, would all the men in the room who've tried Mr. Happy pills go ahead and grab your fork and bang your glass. [The cafeteria is filled with the sound of banging.] Thank you! [The banging stops, except for one lone man.]
Elliot: Ted! Everyone stopped.
Ted: Oh. Dammit!
Turk: Dude, she's got this whole trust issue with me.
J.D.: Just tell her she can trust you.
Turk: I did. But apparently if I'm the one she didn't know she could trust, how's she supposed to trust she can trust me telling her she can trust me?
J.D.: My head hurts.
Turk: Yeah, mine did too. That's why I need you to go in.
J.D.: No way, dude. It's never smart to get in the middle of someone else's relationship.
Turk: I'll let you wear my top hat.
J.D.: [He's wearing the top hat.] Hey! Wanna grab a beer?
Carla: If you lose the hat.
[Another Nurse's Station]
Cox: Hello there.
Jordan: [She notices that Jack has a face full of band-aids.] What's with all the band-aids?
Cox: Oh, Jack was just getting nutty, having some fun. [He turns his face to reveal a band-aid on his own cheek.] See, I even let him put one on me.
Jordan: Really? [She leans down to take one of the band-aids off, revealing the stitches on Jack's forehead.] Are those stitches?!
Cox: What are the odds you'd pick that one? Jack just-- He just fell off of the jungle gym.
Jordan: You're not careful enough with him!
Cox: What about the time you had him and he brained himself on the coffee table?
Jordan: That was an accident.
Cox: Just a quick question. Why is it an accident when he's with you, but when Jack gets hurt on my time it's because I'm not careful enough?
Jordan: Because, I--
Cox: Oh dear God, you're speechless. I won! I won an argument! Jack, it's unprecedented. [He starts pushing the stroller away.] We'll be at the playground drinking beer. Oh God, we love beer!
[Outside Mr. Gerst's Room]
Paper Clip Intern: [Exiting the room with The Todd.] That guy needs to do some serious thinking about baseball.
Todd: He wouldn't even let me see it.
Elliot: Hey meathead! Oh good, you both looked. Now, Mr. Gerst came here for help, and we're doctors, so how about we try and treat him with at least a little bit of dignity and respect, okay?
Kelso: [Chuckling to himself.] That man is a human sundial!
Carla: Oh, it's so nice to get out. Oh, hey do you know who sings this song?
J.D.: No, but I can tell you who doesn't sing it. Billy Joel, who brought us such hits as "Uptown Girl" and "Matter of Trust". And speaking of trust, do you know who's really trustworthy? Turk. I call him Turkey Turkey Turkey Turkey Trust Trust. A little nickname.
Carla: J.D., I know what you're trying to do and it's very sweet, but the last couple of days have been so messed up and confusing, I'd love to just try and forget about it and have a few drinks, okay?
J.D.: But I told Turk I'd talk about him constantly until you made me leave.
Carla: I'll let you put the hat back on.
J.D.: [The hat is back on.] Two appletinis, guv'ner!
Dad: Look at my girl. Right back up on the monkey bars, even after she chipped her tooth there last week.
Cox: That's nothing. My kid's got a forehead full of stitches from leaping off the jungle gym.
Dad: When my wife's not around, I let my daughter stand on my shoulders.
Cox: Really? Wait til you get a load of this. [Cox is being watched] Okay, here we go. What a-- Come here you. You come here, you. [It's the Janitor, standing in a tree with a camera. He's making clicking sounds every time he takes a picture.] A little girl approaches him.]
Girl: Giant Man, why are you making that noise?
Janitor: Oh. Well, cause my camera doesn't make a real sound, and it's more fun that way. See, here you go. [He takes pictures of her, making the sound every time.] Look happy. Look sad. Look crazy. Look like you're going away.
Elliot: [She's pulling Dr. Kelso by the arm.] You're coming in because you need to set an example of professionalism and you're certainly not going to do that by making fun of that man's slinky-doo.
Kelso: Don't pull me, I'm your boss for God's-- Hello! [They're in Mr. Gerst's room.]
Elliot: So, Mr. Gerst. Your situation doesn't seem to be reversing itself. I think we're going to need to schedule a procedure to relieve the... uh...
Gerst: My fiancee's only twenty-four and she said she wanted to do something special this morning. Turns out she just meant having breakfast with her family. [Elliot beings to whimper.] The pills didn't really kick in until just about the moment I'm introduced to her ninety year old grandma. Sure enough, that little lady gives me the waist hug from her wheelchair. [Elliot's finding it harder and harder to not laugh.]
Elliot: Excuse me, I need that chart. [She turns around to compose herself.]
Kelso: Sweetheart, it's not healthy to hold it in. Just let it out. You know you want to.
Elliot: I'm fine. [They turn back around.]
Gerst: I pulled away from that encounter with all of Grandma Helen's breathing apparatus. [Elliot can't contain herself and starts cracking up.]
Kelso: My work here is done.
Elliot: Oh my God, I can't stop! Sorry! I have to pee!
Carla: [She and J.D. are sitting on the back of Elliot's couch.] J.D., why are we sitting up here?
J.D.: Because you can see Elliot's whole apartment from up here.
Carla: J.D., you're drunk!
J.D.: Carla, I'm not as think as you drunk I am. I mean...
Carla: Then why can't you let go of the couch?
J.D.: I can let go of the couch, if I so choose.
Carla: Okay, let go of the couch. Let go! [He let's go and falls over.] You see? [She lets go of the couch to point at him, and ends up falling as well.]
J.D.: *There are many things we can't control, no matter how strong we might be. Like a kneejerk reaction.*
[Mr. Gerst's Room]
Elliot: [She's finally gotten control of herself.] I'm so sorry. I'm done. I'm done.
Gerst: It's okay. [She bursts out laughing again.]
J.D.: *Or a Janitor who has it in for you.*
Jordan: Hi! Look what someone was nice enough to give me. [She moves to the side to reveal a blown up picture of Jack standing on Cox's hand.]
Carla: [She and J.D. are still on the floor.] Thank you, for helping me have some fun tonight.
J.D.: You're welcome. *And sometimes, you let go of the control you do have in a brief moment of weakness.* [They share a kiss.] Sorry. Drunken accident.
Carla: Nothing happened.
Carla: Good night.
J.D.: Good night.
Carla: Good night.
J.D.: Good night.
Carla: Buenas noches. [She gets up to go to the bedroom.]
J.D.: Buenas... those things.
Carla: Good night.
J.D.: *Like she said, everything's fine.*
[The Morning After]
J.D.: *There's nothing like the rays of the morning sun kissing you awake and gently reminding you that you got drunk and kissed your best friend's wife.* Oh my God! [The bedroom door opens.]
Carla: Oh my God. So it really happened?
J.D.: Yeah, but it was nothing!
J.D.: No! There wasn't even any tongue!
Carla: No tongue!
J.D.: It was just a friend kiss!
Carla: Were your lips parted at all?
J.D.: No, I pursed them like this. [He demonstrates.]
Carla: I don't know, J.D. I remember my one lip being on top of your upper lip and my other lip being somewhere in the middle of yours, which means your lips were apart and I don't think that's a friend kiss.
J.D.: Yes it is! It's a friend kiss and we will never talk about this to anyone ever!
Elliot: [She comes out of her bedroom.] What's going on?
Carla: J.D. and I kissed.
Elliot: You kissed? Like a friend kiss?
J.D.: Carla! You're killing me! [He locks the door and closes the window.] This never leaves the room!
Elliot: Why did you close my window?
Elliot: [A monkey with a notepad hops onto Elliot's couch.] Oh no, she wrote "J.D. and Carla kissed" on the paper and she's going to tell Turk!
Carla: No! Stop her!
J.D.: Don't worry, ladies. I've closed the window. [The monkey is banging on the window, her only method of escape blocked off.]
Elliot: J.D., I don't have a messenger monkey.
Cox: Alright, fine. I'm a little rougher than you are, but guess what? The two of us have two distinctively different parenting styles. You're an overbearing hypercautious psychotic, and I'm... well, you know... fun? And I think if we could meet somewhere in the middle, I think Jack's going to be terrific! And besides, it's not like I ever put him in any real danger.
Jordan: Flip? What does flip mean, Perry?
Cox: Jack probably thinks that Mommy and Daddy are being a little too sarcastic with each other.
Janitor: [He shows up out of the blue with a stack of photos in his hand.] Maybe. Or, it's because every time he says "Flip" Daddy does a little trick where he grabs Jack by the ankles, he flips him upside down, he drops him down onto his shoulders, and then puts him in a little baby trapeze, shoots him across the sandbox without a net.
Jordan: You are never taking Jack to the park without me. Ever! [She leaves, pushing Jack's stroller with her.]
Cox: Jordan! [He turns back to the Janitor.] A trapeze?
Janitor: Yeah! Photoshop. You can do anything! Here I have you wearing a duck's bill. Get it? Because you're a quack! No? Ha ha ha ha, come on! Classic comedy, my friend. He'll learn.
[Another Nurse's Station]
Elliot: I'm such a horrible person. I mean, there I was, up on my high horse about Mr. Gerst and then I just turned out to be just as bad as everyone else.
Kelso: Sweetheart, give yourself some credit. You're much worse than everyone else.
Elliot: Maybe I was. But you know what? I'm going to try to better myself, and unlike you, I'm going to follow through, Mr. "Sign up on the Hospital Bulletin Board for Private German Lessons and then Never Show Up"! Yeah, that's right. That was my flyer! [In German] I waited at that coffee shop for hours.
Kelso: I broke up with my German mistress. She smelled like sauerkraut.
Elliot: I'm so sorry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go into that room right now, and own up to what I did.
[Mr. Gerst's Room]
Gerst: [He hears the door close, but doesn't see anyone.] Hello? Did someone come in? [Elliot is hiding in the doorway, out of sight.]
J.D.: I had to hide from Turk, so I went to the one place that I knew no one would ever venture. [He knocks on the door is labeled "Theodore Buckland, Esq." and opens it when there's no response.] Ted? Ted?
Ted: [He's hanging upside down from an exercise machine.] A little help!
J.D.: Ted, what are you doing?
Ted: I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.
J.D.: Ted, lunch was four hours ago.
Ted: Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.
J.D.: It's Wednesday.
Ted: Aw, man! I missed the Gilmore Girls! [J.D. frees Ted from the machine, causing Ted to fall on his head.]
Turk: [He's found J.D.] There you are. Hey Ted. So how'd it go last night?
J.D.: Whoa! What's with the fifth degree?
Turk: Don't you mean third degree?
J.D.: No, because this is two degrees worse. I can't breathe, it's like you're all over me. I'm trapped in a death coffin.
Turk: Calm down, I just want to see if you got anywhere with Carla.
J.D.: *Alright, he knows your lying face, but silence is incriminating too. So think. What's between silence and talking?* [He makes some nonsensical noise.]
Carla: [She's at the door.] Turk? I thought you could take me over to Elliot's place to get my stuff so I could move back in.
Turk: Yeah, su-- Really? Alright, but meet me downstairs, okay?
Turk: I owe you one. [He gives J.D. the thumbs up before taking off.]
J.D.: Ted, you should probably sit down. You're looking a little purple.
Ted: I know my own body. [He collapses.]
J.D.: Thanks for saving my ass.
Carla: Well, I wasn't saving your ass. I didn't realize how easy it is to make little mistakes. They're stupid little mistakes that seem like nothing but can snowball on you and take your whole marriage with it, you know? I feel like I really understand now how Turk could have let stuff like that happen, you know? So I forgave him.
J.D.: I guess I'm glad we kissed then.
Carla: Me too. [They've reached the door where Turk is waiting.]
Turk: You guys ready?
Carla: Yeah, we are. Let's do it.
Jordan: Okay. We just saw the plastic surgeon. Jack's fine. But if the cut was four inches to the left and seven inches deeper, it could have potentially scratched his eye.
Cox: That was a close one.
Woman: What a sweet little angel! Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Jordan: Of course.
Cox: [He grabs the woman's hand before she can touch Jack.] Back off there, lady. How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise? Go on get out of here. [Whistle] Hippity hop to the barbershop. Come on, Mom. Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.
Jordan: I normally never let people touch him.
Janitor: [He's appeared out of the blue yet again.] Oh really? Because these photographs would beg to differ. Old lady, kissing Jack. Teenage girl, hugging Jack. Homeless man, holding Jack.
Jordan: That's just Carl. He holds Jack when I get a bikini wax! What's the matter with me? I mean, I don't think twice about people holding him, and yet I obsess about things like broken arms, broken legs, choking, kidnapping, drowning, silly putty, bad babysitters, pretty babysitters...
Cox: Yeah, I pretty much freak out over staff infections, blood disease, mumps, measles, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and definitely all registered independents. So I think between us we've got everything covered.
Jordan: Was this taken at my mother's house?
Janitor: I gotta go.
[Mr. Gerst's Room]
Gerst: [He's talking to a friend on the phone.] Dude, that did not happen. No, I'm in the hospital because I-- They think I have Avian Flu. [Elliot clears her throat and comes out of her hiding place.] I gotta call you back. How long have you been there?
Elliot: Forty-seven... Forty-eight minutes. I'm not sure, I nodded off for a while. Mr. Gerst, I'm so sorry for laughing at you. But I have to tell you a story. When I was in the seventh grade, I was at a roller rink and I needed to go to the bathroom. So I just skated right on into a stall and I did my, uh, private business. And then when I went to pull up my pants, I started rolling towards the door, which as it turned out wasn't latched. Now, I don't know if you've had any experience roller skating with your underpants around your ankles--it's very difficult to stop. Unless of course, you know, you scream so loud that they turn off the music and everyone is looking at you. Anyway, that's how I wound up with the nickname "Roller Moler".
Gerst: I'm sorry?
Elliot: I have a mole on my ass. [She indicates the spot with her finger.] The cute kind! Not the hairy kind. Anyway, the next day at school I showed up with roller skates on and everybody cracked up.
Gerst: Why are you telling me this?
Elliot: Because I owned up to it. This is funny, Mr. Gerst. And if you don't just embrace it and become part of the joke then it will follow you around and devour you.
Gerst: Can I get a look at that mole?
Elliot: No. Ahem. No.
[Turk and J.D.'s Apartment]
J.D.: This is nice. The three of us sitting together again like the Three Musketeers.
Carla: Yeah! And I need you guys to scrape your plates before you put them in the dishwasher!
Turk: She's back! My baby's back! [Turk and Carla kiss]
J.D.: *Carla was right. If a relationship is going to work, it has to be based on trust. Like a wife trusting her husband again.*
Dad: Hey. Kid's back on the jungle gym. Guess your wife backed down.
Cox: You bet your sweet ass she did.
J.D.: *Even if it involves a compromise.*
Cox: [Jack is hanging from the jungle gym, wearing many layers of heavy padding.] Hey Jack! Just blink when you want me to get you down. Just give me the old blink-a-rooney. Terrific athlete. I'm thinking 2016 Olympics. Oh God, was that a blink? Excuse me.
J.D.: *Or a patient trusting his doctor to help him hold on to his dignity.*
[Mr. Gerst's Room]
Gerst: [On the phone.] Yeah! And then I pulled off Grandma's breathing apparatus. No, I'm serious!
J.D.: *It may take a lot of work, but it's worth it.*
[Turk and J.D.'s Apartment]
J.D.: [Watching Turk and Carla kiss right in front of him.] Wow, that was a moist kiss. Wish I was wearing an apron.
Turk: Baby, from here on out I hide nothing from you. It's a clean start for us. [He pulls out the remote.] Sports time!
J.D.: *Because in the end, things work out for the best.*
Carla: [She takes the remote and turns the TV off.] J.D. and I kissed.
J.D.: *Or not.*