The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Last Day".
Act[]
Open: J.D.'s Bedroom
J.D.'s Narration: Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything - storms, sirens, you name it. Last night I didn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking about this past year.
Cut to...
Bathroom
J.D.: Agh!
Elliot: Oh, please, I've seen you naked before.
Todd: Dude, you had that? Five, up high, for cherry pie!
Dr. Kelso: You find it funny, Dr. Dorian? Why don't you tell me the EKG findings of Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome?
J.D.: I haven't even showered yet.
Jordan: We could shower together for old time's sake.
J.D.: You know, I never woulda slept with you if you'd told me you were Dr. Cox's ex-wife.
Dr. Cox: What was that, Newbie?
J.D.: Uhhh....
Jordan: [whispering] Relax. He doesn't know.
J.D.: He likes Carla, anyway.
Turk: I got Carla wrapped around my finger.
J.D.: I heard that!
Carla: What are you guys talking about?
J.D.: Nothing.
Turk: Thank you.
J.D.: Forget about it.
Jordan: No, no, no. You can't forget about these.
Nurse Roberts: I'd pull those hands back if you want to keep 'em, Q-Tip.
Lawyer: That's just the kind of thing that can be construed as sexual harassment.
Lawyer: You got a few hairs in the sink, there, huh? For God's sake, man, don't comb so hard.
J.D.: All right, enough is enough!
J.D.: Oh!
Janitor: I guess I don't fit in with your mirror friends. Enjoy.
J.D.'s Narration: I don't know why my mind is all over the place. Maybe it's because today isn't just any other day; it's my last day as an intern.
Hospital - Admissions
Elliot: Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh!
Turk: Ohhh, you got me! Lemme go, lemme go, lemme go, lemme go!
J.D.: Ahhh!
Turk: Hey, amigo!
Elliot: Can you guys believe this?
Turk: 'Cause tomorrow we are officially residents!
Todd: Let's get our last day on!
J.D.'s Thoughts: What the hell, he deserves it, too.
J.D.: Mo---
Scene[]
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIAL
Scene[]
J.D.: So, Mr. Bober, here, has been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea; looks like colicistitis.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on -- what the hell, Newbie. This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder, and you actually have him eating a grilled-cheese sandwich. Hhhere's an idea: why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Bober, back there, is one of our frequent flyers; he's been with us every six months for the last two years, and I've grown rather fond of him. So if you could somehow manage to not kill him, well then - oh, gee -- that would just be ducky.
J.D.: I'll see what I can do. Hey, how come you haven't mentioned it's my last day as an intern?
Dr. Cox: Haven't I?
J.D.: Nuh-uh.
Dr. Cox: Come here!
J.D.: Okay.
Dr. Cox: Despite the fact that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be a resident, you'll still be the same excitable little girl that you are right now; the only difference will be that some sorry new intern will probably mistake you for somebody who actually knows something.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Why is he so uptight today?
Jordan: Hey, Perry.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, okay.
Dr. Cox: Jordan.... To what do we owe the horror?
Jordan: Ohhh, come on, Perry. No soft spot for the one woman who slept with you sober? Now, if you could just sign this insurance physical, I'll go back to trying to forget that horrible, horrible night.
Dr. Cox: For me to sign this, I would actually have to give you a physical. And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me. [whistles] Barbie!
Dr. Cox: Give my ex-wife, here, a physical. And don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it.
Elliot: Let's get physical?
Jordan: Auh.
Scene[]
Nurses' Station
Carla: It doesn't matter, because it---
Turk: And I don't think---
J.D.: Carla.... Can you do me a favor? This Mr. Bober needs to get another Foley catheter - I am so swamped.
Carla: Sure, Bambi, no problem. But, we're not finished yet!
Turk: I know we're not finished yet! See, I didn't say we were finished yet.... But, really, baby, it's up to you.
J.D.'s Narration: When a couple gets in an argument, you should run for it before you get roped in.
Carla: Hey, J.D.
- Fantasy Sequence:
Carla: You got it, baby. You got him, that's right.
Turk: I got him.
Carla: Bring him in.
Turk: I. Got. Him.
Carla: We were talking about our relationship, and how great everything is going. And all I said was, "It's weird to think I'll never date again."
Turk: Ah, that's close, honey, but not quite what you said. See, what you said was, "It's weird to think I'll never _get_ to date again." You see that? "..._Get_ to date again" - like she's missing out. How messed up is that?
Carla: I did not say "get"! You're being ridiculous. What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Careful, tiger. Careful.
J.D.: I wish people would call me "tiger."
Carla: What?
J.D.: I agree with Laverne!
Nurse Roberts: Huh?
Nurse Roberts: Damn kids and their stupid problems. I just want to get home to a warm bath, catch a little bit of that 'Fear Factor.'
Scene[]
The Roof
Dr. Kelso: Ted, the reason we're not admiring the new parking structure is because you failed to get legal clearance from the Zoning Board. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if you're happy here.
Ted: Do it, Ted; just do it.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Bob! When I heard you were up on the roof, I just naturally assumed it was because your evil mission here on planet earth had finally come to an end; so, tell me this: where, exactly, is the mother ship?
Dr. Kelso: Look, Ted, it's Dr. Cox.
Ted: Hey.
Dr. Cox: I just saw the new shift schedule and, dammit, Bob, gimme a break, will ya?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I'm glad you're here. The hospital needs to find a new residency director, and I've decided to recommend you. Now, finish your tantrum on your own; because I am going to go down to the cafeteria and get myself a fro-yo. Ted, chop-chop!
Ted: Save my spot.
Scene[]
Nurses' Station
Carla: Bambi, Mr. Bober's hypertensive. I think he's becoming septic.
J.D.: This guy is more work than all my other patients, combined.
Carla: Well, maybe if you tell him how hard it is on you, he'll get better!---
She gestures with her arms and knocks over a cup of coffee on the counter.
Carla: I'll get paper towel.
J.D.: Don't worry about it; somebody else'll get it.
Janitor: Yeah. Who can we get? I'm not shocked, that's how you live your life, isn't it? Got a problem? Hey, just pass it on down the line....
He continues speaking, but is drowned out by....
J.D.'s Thoughts: I was gonna say something, but, it turns out, he gave me a pretty good idea.
Cut to...
Jordan's Private Room
J.D.: Thank you so much for taking Bober from me.
Elliot: But, J.D., I just---
J.D.: I owe you.
Jordan: [to the tune of the Teapot song] I'm a little doormat, sit and stay. Let people use me every single day.
Elliot: E-e-excuse me?
Jordan: Oh, it's a song I'm working on. I made it up.
Elliot: So, I let myself get taken advantage of, sometimes; you know. I mean, big deal - how do you make friends?
Jordan: Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room.
Elliot: Chas really cared for me.
Jordan: Ah, I know; and I'm sure you have a cool "Jungle Party" t-shirt to prove it. Now, can we please finish this physical? And, I can't pee right now, so you'll have to go for me.
Jordan: What a good girl. Good girl.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, Elliot wasn't gonna let herself get stuck with Mr. Bober, either.
Cut to...
Mr. Bober's Room
Turk: How you doin', Mr... Bober?
Mr. Bober: Fine.
Turk: 'Kay, why did you let Elliot turf him up here?
Todd: I dunno. All I really remember is she dropped her pen, and bent over.... Dude! Thong City!!
Turk: No; no high-five for you.
Todd: Todd did bad?
Turk: Todd did very bad. Todd did very, very bad.
Cut to...
Admissions Area
Turk: What the hell, Elliot? You can't just pawn this Bober guy off on me!
Elliot: Hey, it was J.D.'s patient! I was just the middleman.... -Woman.... -Person.
J.D.: Look, we can stand here and argue all day about who screwed who---
Elliot: Or?
J.D.: Or nothing, I'm on break - let's do it.
Turk: Okay, Rock-Paper-Scissors, right now.
J.D.: Fine, loser gets Bober.
Turk
Elliot: Once, twice, three: shoot!
J.D.
Granddaughter: Did you say "Bober"? I'm looking for my grandfather, Frank Bober.
Nurse Roberts: We moved him to the ICU, dear. Uh, he'll show you up.
An orderly escorts the granddaughter out.
Elliot: It's okay. She-she didn't hear us.
Nurse Roberts: No. But Jesus did. [sings] Just a closer walk with thee....
Scene[]
Cafeteria
Dr. Cox: I didn't appreciate your little game this morning, there, Bobbo----
Dr. Kelso: Heavens to Betsy, the gaspacho is scrumptious today.
Dr. Cox: ...Danglin' that fake promotion right out in front of me.
Dr. Kelso: I was dead-serious about the residency director's position.
Dr. Cox: Well, what makes you think that I'd be interested in something like that?
Dr. Kelso: Because you want my job, and you know that you'll never get it without this on your resume.
Dr. Cox: But you hate me!
Dr. Kelso: Like nuts in brownies, captain.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, I don't get your angle. What could you possibly want from me in exchange for my support? Because I'm telling you right now, I am not dating that daughter of yours.
Dr. Kelso: I only have a son.
Dr. Cox: That's my bad - I was just going by that picture on your desk.
Dr. Kelso: I'll tell you what I want: You know the financial burdens I have to deal with around here. I want you to stop busting my chops all the time and get on my team.
Dr. Cox: Forget about it.
Dr. Kelso: Fine. Walk away. Mmm. Scrumptious. Wan' bite?
Scene[]
Hall
Turk: We're doctors, you know? And that's just how doctors talk to other doctors.
Elliot: Yeah. I mean, we were just joking around. I mean, our only mistake was not being careful about where we were.
J.D.: That's right. We all agree we did nothing wrong; so let's just check in on him and forget about it.
They enter a Ward
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when the three of us realized, even though we'd all spent time with Mr. Bober, none of us had any idea what he looked like.
Carla: Over here.
Mr. Bober: Hey, guys!
Scene[]
COMMERCIAL
Scene[]
Re-open: Cafeteria
J.D.'s Narration: When we started here a year ago, and saw some of the insensitive and jaded doctors, we all said the same thing: "That's not gonna be me." But really, the only solace is that the guilt passes pretty quickly.
- Fantasy Shot:
Mr. Bober (Turk): What's wrong, dawg?
J.D.: You guys, we have to do something. If we remove Mr. Bober's gallbladder, it should relieve the recurrent abdominal pain.
Carla: Isn't he a little old for that kind of procedure?
Elliot: Well, he seems stable enough.
Turk: Problem is, he has no insurance.
J.D.'s Narration: And then, all at once, we realized we had to do something. We decided to attack the problem on three fronts.
In the Doctors' Lounge...
J.D.: Dr. Cox.
In the Hall...
Elliot: Ms. Sullivan?
In the OR...
Turk: Dr. Wen.
Cut to...
The Doctors' Lounge
J.D.: So I thought if you looked at Mr. Bober's chart, and--and you agreed with us, you might be able to, you know, pull some strings, er....
J.D.'s Thoughts: And now, here it comes - the calling me a girl's name, the telling me not to waste my time....
Dr. Cox: Yeah. I'll be more than glad to help you, there, Charlotte.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I was half right.
J.D.: [surprised] W-well, th--thank you!
Dr. Cox: Don't ever be afraid to come to me with stuff like that. The simple fact that you actually seem to give a crap is the reason I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor. Hell, it's...it's why I trust you as a person.
J.D.: Are you dying?
Dr. Cox: I've got a new shrink.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Aw, just say it.
J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I wanna thank you for this whole year---
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no...no.
J.D.: And I just wanna know...if I can buy you dinner.
Dr. Cox: That'd be terrific.
J.D.: Great! I'm off in, like, a half hour---
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. Here, I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing. But, to sit and eat...with you, that's-that's just...that's crazy talk! I have half a mind to issue you a drug test. I mean, come on, what'd I sign up for---
He exits.
J.D.: [to self] Would have been nice.
Cut to...
The Hall - near the Elevator
Elliot: Well, he doesn't have insurance, so if you could talk to the other members of the board today at the meeting, well, J.D. thought maybe we could---
Jordan: "J.D. thought"? First he dumps that patient on you, and now he wants you to ask me a favor? Honey, if you don't start saying no to him soon, you're gonna wind up on the losing end of a little game I like to call Hide The Pickle.
Elliot: Oh! J.D. and I are just colleagues.
Jordan: Oh, my God; I was just joking, but you actually slept with him, didn't you?
Elliot: Pff. ...A...little.
Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you all these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about! Sex is for making babies and revenge.
Elliot: Well, you're so full of it.
Jordan: Listen, Stick, if you wanna wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along. But if you have something to say, say it.
Elliot: Everybody knows you're still sleeping with Dr. Cox; and it can't be about making babies 'cause you'd probably just end up eating them, anyway. And as for revenge, I'm just not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches sports on TV is hurting him as much as you might think. So I have to figure that you still care about him, whether you want to admit it or not. And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle.
The elevator opens. Todd has arrived in time to witness the end of the face-off.
Todd: Kiss her.
Scene[]
Cut to...
The OR
Turk: So you see, Dr. Wen, it's not really a favor - you were supposed to do surgery on Mrs. Beckerman, but she passed away this morning.
Todd is on the other side of the observation window; his lips pressed to the glass, he blows, making his cheeks puff out.
Dr. Wen smacks the window.
Dr. Wen: Go on.
Turk: Yeah, she's dead, and we were hoping that maybe you could keep her name on the roster? And, it's not-we don't wanna do surgery on her. [laughs] Let's face it, Dr. Wen, we're good - but we're not that good, you know what I'm saying?
Dr. Wen: No.
Carla: Dr. Wen, we're trying to get a patient approved for surgery; we're hoping you can keep the slot open.
Dr. Wen: Oh, sure. Dr. Turk, next time you need to talk to me, think hard about what you want to say, then send her.
Turk: Of course. Thanks Dr. Wen!
Carla: See, what happened there was, I knew what you were trying to say despite the exact words you were using; so I tried to help you out, instead of getting all mad at you over nothing.
Turk: Right, baby, we both know it's not the same.
Carla: You are the dumbest man I ever laid eyes on.
Turk points at Todd, who is blowing on the glass.
Carla: Still.
She walks out and Turk smacks the glass.
Todd: Didn't hurt! Didn't hurt!
Turk: Uh-huh? Tell me if it hurts this time!
Scene[]
Admissions Area
Dr. Kelso: So, you want me to approve surgery on a 76-year-old man with no insurance and no life-threatening condition. Young man, I'm curious: what did you think the end result of this conversation would be?
J.D.: Well, pretty much this, except I'm really invested and so I thought I might try crying a little.
Dr. Kelso: Sport, if crying worked on me, my wife would have her own car by now.
Dr. Cox: Uh...Bob? I think you should reconsider.
Dr. Kelso: Uh, what's that, Perry? I mean, because that didn't sound like something a team-mate would say. Maybe what you meant to do was pat me on the ass and say, "Go get 'em, Bob."
Dr. Cox: Right but, what if...we were to look at this from a purely...fiscal perspective.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Did he just say "fiscal"?
Dr. Cox: I mean, after all, Mr. Bober is here every four to six months, and if we were to consider his surgery as a one-time expenditure, then...you would be making the right financial call.
Dr. Kelso: See, now, that's the kind of thinking I can get behind! How's that make you feel?
Dr. Cox: Dirty all over.
Dr. Kelso: You get used to it. Boys, I'll do what I can, but if you're gonna pull this off, you're gonna need a board member behind you.
J.D.'s Thoughts: How the hell we supposed to get that?
Cut to...
Dr. Cox's Apartment
Dr. Cox: This is the closest I've come to not hating myself after sleeping with you
Jordan: Oh, you're just saying that.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I'm not. I-we connected. What's wrong with you?
Jordan: Nothing! I guess I was just thinking of a guy I kind of like.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] Lemme guess...lemme guess: He is an arrogant, self-hating narcissist who just needs to be loved.
Jordan: Yeah, pretty much.
Dr. Cox: Nobody better.
Jordan: Hey, stud, thank you for not asking me to help out on the Mr. Bober thing.
Dr. Cox: I would've but, it would have been pointless. It turns out, you're a very predictable woman, there, Jordan.
Jordan: Puh-lease!
Dr. Cox: I know you. You're gonna walk into that board room tonight, all tall and strong, and then you're gonna sit back and just pray that nobody asks your opinion. I mean, I'm sure you-you probably think that your little visits here are a spontaneous surprise, but, did you ever wonder why the only two candles that I own are already lit when you walk in that door? I mean, doll, I hate to tell you this but, I don't walk around all day with cologne down in my engine room. [laughs] I'm not that guy!
Jordan: Some people like reliability.
Dr. Cox: In a sedan, it turns out it's terrific. Cheers.
Dr. Cox: Here's the good news, however: It turns out, it's never too late to turn the whole thing around.
Jordan: Really....
Dr. Cox: All you gotta do is stir it up a little bit.
Jordan: Stir it up?
Dr. Cox: Stir it right the hell up.
Jordan: I'll try to remember that.
Dr. Cox: So I'm guessing, I'll be seeing you in about eleven days, right?
Dr. Cox: [whispers] Probably at the exact same time. Don't forget to stir it up, baby.
Scene[]
J.D.'s Narration: And so it comes down to this: The hospital board meeting to decide Mr. Bober's fate - and in a weird way, ours, too.
J.D.'s Narration: As cheesy as it sounds, I think we knew we were all gonna be okay. Still, I've had this feeling that I'm forgetting something.
Janitor: Hey, congratulations on becoming a resident. Glad I could help.
J.D.: Help!?! You were awful to me! You-you-you-you-Awful!
Janitor: Anyway: Go get 'em, Tiger. The world is your oyster, my friend.
Janitor: What?
Intern: Uh...it's my first day, I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor: This door is broke, maybe the fifth time or so it don't open.
Intern: Maybe there's a paper clip stuck in there?
Janitor: [sighs] Why a paper clip?
Intern: I was just makin' small talk.
Janitor: Did you put a paper clip in there?
Intern: No.
Janitor: If I find a paper clip, you're going down.
Scene[]
Cafeteria
Dr. Kelso: Here's to the new residents!
Dr. Cox: Hear, hear.
J.D.'s Thoughts: It's been a long year, but the important thing is we all got through it together. We were a family.
Jordan: Hey everyone.
J.D.: Oh, Ms. Sullivan, thank you for helping us with Mr. Bober.
Jordan: Oh, don't mention it! And even though I wasn't invited to your little party, I brought presents for everyone!
Dr. Cox: Brace yourself, there, newbie.
Jordan: Carla, my ex-husband is in love with you. It's true. Ask your boyfriend, he knows; he and Perry talk about it all the time. I don't know why you haven't mentioned this to her! Perhaps you're afraid of something? Huh. And Bob? When are you gonna tell Perry that that promotion you're making him jump through hoops for? was filled months ago! It just seems wrong. Which brings us to Twinkie. If you don't have the courage to tell your 'colleague' Dr. Dorian that you're still crazy about him, I'm gonna go ahead and do it for ya, 'cause that's what friends do. Yeah! And finally, Perry, you are not gonna believe what happened the first time I met your little protégé, here....
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, please God, no.
Jordan: I slept with him... and it was good - oh! How's that for stirring things up? Have a great summer, everyone. Bye!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Yep. One big, happy family.