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2x19 Turk and JD as pimps

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Kingdom".

ActEdit

Cafeteria
On his way to his table, J.D. passes the table of Surgical residents -- Turk included -- who are all high-fiving each other.
J.D.'s Narration: One thing that never changes around here is the stupid idea that the surgeons are all cool and the medical residents are all geeks.
J.D. takes his seat at the "Medical Table" next to Elliot.
Elliot: Hey!
J.D. looks across at another of his colleagues, Rudy, who is wearing protective goggles as he picks at his breakfast.
J.D.: Ohhh, Rudy, can you lose the grapefruit goggles?
Rudy: But it squirts in my eyes.
J.D.: Well, that's a risk you take with that particular piece of fruit.
Rudy reluctantly removes his goggles.

J.D.: You guys, come on! What do you say we dial down the whole power-nerd thing a little bit, okay?
Rudy's grapefruit squirts him in the eyes.
Elliot: Hey, J.D., are you starting your surgical elective tomorrow?
J.D.: Ohh, is that tomorrow?
Elliot: Yeah!
J.D.: Whatever. I don't really give a crap.
Cut to...
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- The Next Morning
Turk and J.D. pose for Carla in matching green scrubs.
J.D.: Take a picture! Take a picture!! [to Turk] And you better smile this time.
Carla snaps. J.D. laughs.
Carla: You guys look so cute!
J.D. does a little "I am so cute" dance. He's a little hindered by the tight sleeves on his scrubs.
J.D.: Hey, um, Carla, do you think you could cut these for me? Because I've been working out so much, these things are choking off my pythons [hisses], you know?
Turk: Yeah, I wouldn't do that. At the end of the week, you gotta return these bad boys to, uh, [reads tag] Janeane!
He heads out.
J.D.: [explaining to Carla] Janeane's built like a bear. She curled me once.
Cut to...
Hospital -- Hall
J.D.'s Narration: Entering the hospital as a surgeon has a whole different feel to it.
***Fantasy Sequence: Two nurses rip off their scrubs, revealing tight, practically non-existent little outfits.
They open the doors to J.D. and Turk, who enter to the tune of James Brown's "Payback," totally pimped out.
Words cannot describe this fully. So, here's <A HREF="/_graphics/content/219_cap.jpg" TARGET="new">a picture</A>!
****
J.D., eyes closed, is still doing his pimp moves.
Turk: Dude. You okay? You're acting weirder than the time we saw Pat Benetar at StarBucks.
J.D.: [distant] How amazing was that morning....
Turk: Listen, do me a favor: don't try to overdo it with these guys, all right? Just be you, okay?
J.D.: Come on, man--
Turk: Be yourself.
J.D.: --you know how I do!
They approach the group of surgeons standing around at the end of the hall.
J.D.: What's up, fellas. Look, I know I'm usually Medical, I just want you guys to know I consider you all me pee-pees.
They all murmur about his dorkiness.
J.D.'s Thoughts: They know you mean "peeps"! Just change the subject!
He feels one of the surgeons bicep.
J.D.: Whoa! Somebody's been working out!
Surgeon: What?
J.D. frantically turns to Turk.
J.D.: [whispering] Help me!
Meanwhile...
Nurses' Station
Dr. Cox is at one of the computers, beating it into submission.
Elliot approaches him from the other side of the desk.
Elliot: Dr. Cox---
Dr. Cox: Work! I hate you! You suck!
Elliot: I know, but I've been trying harder lately---
Dr. Cox: Barbie: Talking to the computer. But nice self-esteem.
Paul steps in.
Paul: Hey, cowboy--
Dr. Cox whines with contempt.
Paul: --how 'bout you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Dr. Cox: Listen, there, Flowers: I know that your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week -- and congrats on that, really -- but if you're gonna go ahead and have a show-down with everyone who hassles her, then, gosh, you two aren't gonna have any time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much!
Hit the bricks, tow-heads.
He goes back to tapping at the keys of the computer.
It beeps uncooperatively at him.
Elliot drags Paul away.
Elliot: Come on! Let's go!
Dr. Cox: Why have we never fixed or replaced this monstrosity?
Nurse Roberts: You know the deal around here -- if it barely works, it's not gonna get replaced.
Dr. Cox: Well, I guess that explains why your ass is still on the payroll, huh? [spins in his chair] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Somebody stop me!
He smacks the computer.
Meanwhile...
Parking Lot
Dr. Kelso arrives to work. He passes J.D., who is hanging from a post...by his underwear.
Dr. Kelso: Morning, sport.
J.D.: Morning, Captain.
He turns his attention to Turk, who is standing below him.
J.D.: So, am I the first guy they've done this to?
Turk: Nah, man! They did this to Frank Fratchman.
J.D.: Who's Frank Fratchman?
Turk: Okay, you're the first one.
J.D.: Help me!
Turk: Yeah.
There's a ripping sound as Turk pulls him off the post.
J.D.: Ow!
Turk: All right, don't sweat it, okay? Stay on your toes.
J.D.: Okay.
They take two steps before something crashes to the cement in front of them.
They look up to the window above, where Cox is leaning out.
Dr. Cox: Sorry girls! Dropped my computer....yeah.

ActEdit


Surgery -- Washroom
Turk and J.D. are scrubbing up.
Turk: You just gotta remember -- when surgical residents sense insecurity, they attack.
J.D.: I'll watch out for that.
Turk: Dude, your face. Your face.
J.D. looks at his reflection in the window.
Those Surgical punks have painted a nose and whiskers on his mask.
J.D.: Ohhhh, man!
Turk: Yeah, let's lose the tail, too.
J.D. looks back to see that they've also attached a rope tail onto the back of his scrubs.
J.D.: Huh! How did they get that on there, dawg?
Turk: Buddy [rips off the tail] I got your back--
J.D.: Oooooo!
Turk: --but lay low for a while.
J.D.: No problem. All right, people, how long till we get this thing started?
He walks out into the OR, and bashes his head on a low-hanging light.
He passes out, crashing to the floor.
Turk: Probably not for a few minutes.

SceneEdit


Elliot's Apartment -- Living Room -- Evening
Elliot is sorting her CD collection while Paul is on the sofa, reading.
Elliot: Hey, should I file my Bel Biv Devoe CD under 'B' for "Bel Biv" or under 'D' for "Devoe"?
Paul: You know, I don't know why you let Dr. Cox push you around like that.
Elliot: Hey, do you notice that you're always telling me what to do? I mean, in a good way.
Paul: Uh-uh!
Elliot: Then, how come I'm growing my bangs out _and_ wearing a thong?
Paul: Because you look better without the bangs. And the thong, well, that's not up to me -- that's the law, missy!
She giggles, and he leans in for a kiss...
Elliot: Yeah, not now. You know that I don't like kissing while I'm alphabetizing.
Paul: Right. Just so you know, I'm not folding my clothes before we do it tonight.
He gets up off the couch and heads into the bedroom.
Elliot: [giggles] Yes you are.
Paul: Hey, Elliot, I just want to tell you that the last few weeks have been really, really amazing.
Elliot: [smiling] Thanks.
She goes back to her CDs, pausing to look at one of them.
Elliot: I love U2.
Paul pokes his head back out.
Paul: What did you just say?
Elliot: I said, "I love U2."
Paul: Wow!
He goes back into the bedroom, and she goes back to her work.
Then she realizes.... Her eyes widen in horror.

SceneEdit


Dr. Kelso's Office -- The Next Day
Dr. Kelso is pampering his great big desk.
Ted the Lawyer enters.
Lawyer: Dr. Kelso, I was able to locate the discharge form you wanted.
Dr. Kelso: She's a beauty, isn't she, Ted? My pride and joy!
Ted walks further into the room, running his fingers along the smooth surface of the desk.
Dr. Kelso: I just had her varnished, so don't touch.
Lawyer: [jerking his hand back] Yah!
Dr. Kelso tries to take the discharge form from Ted, but the varnish causes it to stick.
Dr. Kelso: Here, hand it over.
He grabs at the form again, and it rips.
Dr. Kelso: Ted, you're a simpleton!
Lawyer: That's funny, 'cause I thought I was rubber and you were glue!
Dr. Kelso: Idiot!
Lawyer: Boing-fwip!
Dr. Cox enters.
Dr. Cox: Principle Bob! Ya called?
Dr. Kelso gestures to the abused computer that has been painstakingly patched back together with tape.
Dr. Kelso: Can you explain this!?
Dr. Cox: It appears to be a wiring problem! Either way, the second floor desperately needs a new computer.
He exits.
Dr. Kelso: Jackass!
Lawyer: Boing-fwip!
Dr. Kelso: I was talking about him, you buffoon!
Lawyer: [quiet] Boing-fwip.

SceneEdit


OR
J.D. is assisting in surgery.
Dr. Wen: Removing the old heart.
Turk: All right, J.D., get in there.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Turk's always looking out for me.
Turk: Told you I'd hook you up.
J.D. carefully reaches into the patient's open chest cavity and picks up the heart.
He is in total awe.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, my God.... Here, it's my first day in surgery, and I'm actually holding a human heart!
J.D. tries to handle the heart as reverently as he can, but it slips out of his grip and plops unto the floor.
The surgeons gasp.
J.D.: We--we were done with that one, right guys?
Cut to...
Hall
J.D. is walking through. The Janitor is running a saw, which he switches off as J.D. approaches.
J.D.: What'cha got there?
Janitor: A new circular saw -- just bought it! Four horse-power, thirty-five hundred RPMs, titanium finger guard....
J.D.: Why would you need a saw in a hospital?
Janitor: Why would an old hen need a banjo?
J.D.: Why _does_ an old hen need a banjo?
Janitor: Why would I buy a saw if I didn't have stuff to cut?
J.D.: You wouldn't! That'd be crazy.
Janitor: Exactly!
J.D. turns his attention to his sandwich, which he unwraps to eat.
Janitor: Need some help with that?
J.D.: No thank you, I'm fine.
J.D. walks off.
The Janitor looks around for something to cut.... He considers his finger....
Janitor: Nah, that'd be crazy.
Then he considers it again...but ultimately shrugs off the thought.

SceneEdit


Nurses' Station
Elliot is talking to Carla.
Elliot: I was talking about U2, the _band_! You know what, it's fine. He probably thinks I was just saying it the way that you would say "I love eggs." You know, I'm sure there is not gonna be a problem.
Carla: Okay!
Someone clears his throat behind Elliot. She turns around to see the Lawyer and his Band.
Lawyer: Uh, we have a telegram from Nurse Paul Flowers--- [breaks into giggles] That name is funny!
They all sort of giggle.
Lawyer: [clears throat] Uh, this is my band.
Carla: Oh, my God, Ted! Everybody knows -- TV themes!
Lawyer: That's old news, doll-face! We do commercial jingles now!
Carla: Ugh.
Band: Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ahh-ahhhh!
Lawyer: The best part of wakin' up
Band: Is Elliot in your cup!
Bass: In your cup!
Elliot: That's it?
Band: [pause] By Mennen!

SceneEdit


Cafeteria
J.D. is walking to his table.
J.D.'s Narration: It felt weird not going to my normal table -- especially on Palm Pilot Synchronization Day....
He passes the "Medical Table", where the kids in blue scrubs all have their Palm Pilots out.
Medical: Aaaaand...now!
J.D.'s Narration: ...but I was in Surgery now.
He continues on to the "Surgical Table."
J.D.'s Narration: Still, even though Turk was trying to help, I felt like such an outsider.
J.D. takes a seat next to Turk.
Surgeon: I can't believe my girlfriend's dragging me to the ballet tonight.
Todd: Oh, your girlfriend--
Surgeon: Yeah...
Todd: --or your _boyfriend_?
Todd: Hahaha! Whazzup!
They all laugh and high-five, while J.D. sits there a bit awkwardly.
Then he has an idea.
J.D.: Turk did ballet!
All the laughing is silenced as the guys look at Turk.
Turk: I just--I just used it to help with my agility for sports, that's all...you know! I...I never wore the clothes or anything like that.
J.D.: Actually....
***Flashback: College Dorm Room
A mulleted J.D. opens the door, where Turk is dancing around in a white unitard.
He freezes.
Turk: Dude! Close the door! Close--close the door!
J.D. rushes in and slams the door shut.
****
All the surgeons laugh at the story and high-five J.D.
J.D.: I get you! Okay, who wants some more? You got--okay! There's some!
Turk shrinks, looking like he wants to die.

SceneEdit


Dr. Kelso's Office
Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox are looking at a painting -- a very stately portrait of Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Cox: I have...no words.
Dr. Kelso: How about "handsome"? Or "glorious"?
Dr. Cox: And this...abomination is the reason we can't afford a new computer?
Dr. Kelso: Well, that, and a little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by "medical boondoggle" I mean "golf weekend." And by "Cleveland" I mean "Hawaii."
Dr. Cox: Do you have any idea what people around here think of you?
Dr. Kelso: I go to bed some nights wondering. And you know what happens to me, Perry? I fall asleep -- and I mean like a log, brother. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by "bus" I mean "helicopter."
He exits, leaving Dr. Cox to an old-fashioned show-down with the portrait.

SceneEdit


Nurses' Station
Elliot is taking a moment with Paul.
Paul: I'll be right back. Mr. Dunaway somehow managed to wet both his _and_ Mr. Spiller's bed.
She laughs a little and he starts to leave.
Paul: You're slouching.
Elliot: Oh!
She straightens up, but slouches again as soon as he goes.
Carla: You never explained that U2 thing, did you!
Elliot: You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe it's not such a bad thing that that happened! Right? I mean, things have been going really well between us, and maybe it was fate! I could've been looking at my Bel Biv Devoe CD and said, "I love Bel Biv Devoe" -- which I do, by the way. And I'm not ashamed of it.
Carla and Elliot: [singing] "That girl is poison..."
Carla: Elliot, look, I just think that if you guys are meant to get to this point, it'll happen...naturally.
Elliot: You're right! "I love U2!" Dammit! Why do I always have to say every little thing that comes into my head!? Ugh, I really wish you wouldn't stand so close to me after you take your hummus break. See! I didn't need to say that!
I'm gonna tell him.
Paul passes through.
Paul: Love you!
Elliot: Love you more!
Ugh!
Carla gives Elliot a look.
Elliot: You know what -- brush your teeth, _then_ judge me, huh?
She goes.
Carla breathes into her hand.
Carla: Ew.

SceneEdit


J.D.'s Narration: I gotta say, it was nice to feel accepted.
J.D. walks confidently through the halls, exchanging cool pleasantries with different surgical residents.
J.D.: Hey, dawg, remind me to burn that CD for you, all right, playah?
They high-five.
J.D.: Hey, you going to the weight room later? I might be able to get you two tickets!
Doc: To what?
J.D.: [showing off his muscles] To the gun show, dawg!
J.D.: Heeeeeeeeey!
He bumps chests and high-fives with everybody.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes you just can't help but get caught up in the moment. And when that happens, you never know what you're gonna do.
Dr. Cox attaches a plaque to Dr. Kelso's portrait. It's got his date of death on it...and that date has passed.
Nurse: What's that all about?
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm afraid Dr. Kelso has passed away.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or what you're gonna say to someone.
Elliot and Paul are sharing a moment. She's trying to get the nerve up to tell him the truth....
Paul: I can't wait for my parents to meet you.
Elliot: Me neither.
He happily kisses her, but her lips are dead to him.
J.D.'s Narration: But if things are going well, you should just ride the wave.
J.D. approaches Turk at the assignment board.
J.D.: Hey, T-Dog! Who we slicing and dicing today?
Turk: Well, J-Dog, I don't know who you're slicing and dicing -- I assigned you to another surgeon.
Turk leaves.
J.D.'s Thoughts: What? Why?
The Lawyer and his Band appear, and break into song.
Band: You deserve Ted's Band today / So get up and get away....
J.D.: Ted!
Ted: To---
J.D.: You guys suck.
Band: [in harmony] Boing-fwip!

ActEdit


OR
J.D. is assisting another surgeon.
J.D.'s Thoughts: So what if Turk switched me to another surgeon. I can't worry about that now -- I'm here to learn.
Todd: J.D., are you even paying attention?
J.D.: Oh, I'm sorry, Todd. Is it time to excise the tumor?
Todd: No! It is time to realize that we are operating on a naked chick! We will high-five later!
J.D.'s Narration: And then I realized why Turk was so pissed -- he was the geek now.

SceneEdit


Dr. Kelso's Office
Dr. Cox and Carla are looking at the picture with its new plaque.
Carla: You're gonna get in so much trouble for this.
Dr. Cox: It's a joke! No one's gonna believe that Kelso actually died!
Ted sees the picture and...
Lawyer: Yah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Woo-hah-hah-hah!
Todd and a nurse see the picture and...
Todd: [choked up] I don't know if I should be alone tonight.
Nurse: Ugh!
Ted looks at the picture again...
Lawyer: Hah-hah-hah-hah!
A group of nurses see the picture and...
Nurse Roberts: He's with Jesus, now. [looking heavenward] Tough break, Big Guy.
Todd looks at the picture with another nurse...
Todd: [choked up] Wow.
He puts his arm around her.
Ted takes another look...
Lawyer: Hah-hah-hah-hah....

SceneEdit


Hospital Entrance
Turk is leaving the building. J.D. chases after him.
J.D.: Hey, Turk! Turk! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Look, I can totally get you back in with all the surgery boys.
Turk: [sarcastic] Oh, can you? Really? Totally?
J.D.: Yeah, man! I'll just talk to 'em. You know, Shmitty, Schultzy, Trigger, Fig-sack, Small Pete, Little Pete, Tiny Pete, The Jackal, Aardvark, and Steve!
Turk: Dude, who the hell are you talking about?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, we all went out last night, and I sorta made up some new nicknames for all the fellas. By the way, you're "Slappy-bag."
Turk: You've lost it.
He turns and keeps walking.
J.D.: Come on! Slappy-bag!
Turk: Don't call me "Slappy-bag"!
J.D. turns to head back into the hospital.
He stops next to the Janitor, who is just playing with his saw.
J.D.: Told ya you had nothing to saw.
Janitor: Oh, really?
*** He saws J.D.'s arm off.
J.D.: Oww, man! Give it back!
Janitor: All right. Just tell me why you're hitting yourself.
He picks up J.D.'s arm and starts slapping J.D. in the face with the hand.
Janitor: Hm? Why you doing that?
****
Janitor: You ever get the feeling we're thinking the same thing?
J.D.: No!

SceneEdit


Park
Paul and Elliot are enjoying a picnic.
Well...Paul is enjoying the picnic.
Paul: Hey, slow down on that brie! You know what cheese does to you!
Elliot: Yet another good tip! [laughs]
He turns, and she crams the whole thing into her mouth.
Paul: You know, I've been thinking a lot about us lately.
She gulps. Cheese or nerves?
Elliot: Me too.
Paul: [affectionate] God, you drive me crazy.
Elliot: [passive-aggressive] Oh, you drive me crazy!
Paul: Sometimes I just lay awake at night, thinking about how unbelievably lucky I am to have you in my life.
Elliot: Sometimes you're so controlling it makes me want to strangle you.
She leans in for a kiss, but he pulls back in surprise at what she just said. She falls face-first against the blanket.
Elliot: Oh! Ow! My nose!
Paul: Elliot, are you trying to break up with me?
She sits up and opens her mouth to answer, and a large burp escapes.
Elliot: Sorry, um, cheese.

SceneEdit


Dr. Kelso's Office
Dr. Cox comes to the door, to see a group of maintenance guys clearing out all of Kelso's stuff.
Maintenance Man 1: Yo, coming through.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow! Whatta you fellas just clean out a guy's office the second he goes deady-bye?
Maintenance Man 2: We can come back later.
Dr. Cox: No, no. No. No. The quicker all of these memories are removed, the sooner all of us can get on with our lives.
One of the guys measures Kelso's huge, prized desk.
Maintenance Man 3: There's no way this desk is fitting through that door.
The Janitor enters, brandishing his saw.
Janitor: I got it.
Dr. Cox: Who're you?
Janitor: Just a man...with a saw.
Dr. Cox's eyes widen as he watches the Janitor molest Dr. Kelso's desk. He breaks into a smile -- this is turning out so much better than he ever could have planned!

SceneEdit


Gym
J.D. is bench-pressing some weights, along with all the other surgeons.
J.D.: Mmggh....ten! Careful with that.
The surgeon spotting him easily takes the weights and sets them into their bar.
Surgeon: I think I can manage.
Turk comes up to J.D.
Turk: That's a great set, Arnold. You got a little stringy thing hanging from your sleeve, there. Oh, I'm sorry -- that's your arm!
J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I told all the surgeons about your ballet thing.
Turk: I don't give a crap what these clowns think, man! Todd camped out in a full-on wizard outfit to see the last Harry Potter movie.
Todd: Dude! You swore you wouldn't tell! We even high-fived on it!
Turk: Todd, we high-five on everything.
Todd: That's such a lame excuse! I'm totally pissed at you!
Turk holds his hand up.
Todd meets it, if still a bit angry.
Todd: High-five!
Turk: [to J.D.] You were so desperate for the approval of all these stupid surgeons that you sold me down the river, huh?
He walks out.
J.D. calls after him:
J.D.: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Not all surgeons are stupid, okay! Think-sack, here, went to Dartmouth!
The surgeon who was spotting him gives him a look.
J.D.: Oh, wait, you're Aardvark.
Surgeon: Mm-mm.
J.D.: Smitty?

SceneEdit


Dr. Kelso's Office
Dr. Kelso has returned from his "medical boondoggle in Cleveland." He sits on his suitcase in the middle of his empty office, looking quite crestfallen.
Dr. Cox enters.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob-Cat, welcome back. Lookit, this whole thing was a joke that...admittedly got a little out of hand. And, in the meantime, this blank check oughtta cover the damage.
He offers the check.
Dr. Kelso: A _joke_? You think it's funny they already gave away my parking spot? You think it's funny that one of the surgeons paid his dwarf cousin, Lance, two-hundred dollars to show up at rounds and sing, "Ding-dong, Kelso's dead!"?
He snatches the check.
Dr. Cox: And there it is.
Dr. Kelso: There what is!?
Dr. Cox: This whole "I don't care what people think about me" act? It's pretty convincing. But methinks there's a sad little cartoon boy living inside the hairy beast. And he's sad because, at the end of the day, he realizes that the only thing people think about is what an evil son-of-a-bitch he really is. See you later, Bobbigator.
He walks out.
Dr. Kelso: Hey!
He runs to the door.
Dr. Kelso: If this check bounces, I'm coming for you!
The Lawyer passes.
Dr. Kelso: How you doin', Ted.
Dr. Kelso goes back into his office. Ted passes out, cold.

SceneEdit


Park
Elliot and Paul are sitting side by side on the blanket.
Paul: Okay, here's what you do: First you say that, even though our relationship is ending, you don't have any regrets.
Elliot: Oh, my God! Are you actually telling me how to break up with you?
Paul: You're right. Go ahead.
She struggles.
Elliot: If you could just start me off, that'd be super.
Paul: Just tell me we had a lot of fun together.
Elliot: We did.
Paul: And most of the time, you were really happy.
Elliot: I was.
 
Paul: And then say that you wished you were mature enough to sit down and talk to me about what was bothering you. 'Cause, even though I can be controlling sometimes, I really would've worked on it for someone as special as you.
Elliot: You know, it's funny...when I said "I love you," it was an accident -- and I never really loved you at all.
Paul: That is an absolute riot.
Elliot: No. No, I just mean that, I wonder how things would've gone if that had never happened.
Paul: Me too.
He gives her a kiss on the cheek and leaves.

SceneEdit


Bar
Turk is sitting alone at the bar.
An attractive woman comes up to him.
Woman: Hi! Can I buy you a drink?
Turk: No, I'm good. Thank you.
She leaves, and J.D. comes over and takes the seat next to Turk.
J.D.: You see that? You see that right there? That has never happened to me -- a hot girl has _never_ asked to buy me a drink.
He addresses the bartender:
J.D.: Apple-tini please -- easy on the -tini.
Bartender: No problem, lady.
 
J.D.: [to Turk] Man! Ever since college, you always make everything seem so easy. No matter where you are, you always fit in. I dunno, I guess--I thought with this surgery elective, it might be nice not to feel like a total dork for once.
Turk: J.D., look at me. You are a dork.
J.D.: Not all the time!
Turk: Every second, since the moment I met you.
***Flashback Sequence: College
The mulleted J.D. arrives to his new dorm room with his box of stuff.
J.D.: Hey, I'm J.D.! I'm so stoked to be your roommate! [looking around] Right on!
Graduation: To go along with his cap and gown, J.D. has gotten his ear pierced -- with a huge gold ring.
J.D.: What are you talking about? I thought you said hoops were cool? [lifting a bottle to a passing classmate] Hey, baby! Cham-pahg-nee?
Med School Dorm Room: J.D. holds a little dummy.
J.D.: Med school chicks love ventriloquists!
Puppet: [while J.D. moves his lips] He's right! They do!
Hospital: J.D. is orange.
J.D.: Tannest intern, baby! And it comes in a bottle!
Bar: A few minutes ago.
J.D.: Apple-tini, please. Easy on the -tini.
****
Turk: See, J.D., the thing that I always liked about you was that you were just yourself -- you never cared about what people thought.
J.D.: And that's why you hung out with me?
Turk: No, you had a car. Still do.
 
J.D.: Come on, player! You know I'm way more stud than dud!
He daintily picks up his drink and takes a slurpy sip.
J.D.: Wow, you can really taste the apples!
Michael Penn's "High Time" starts to play.
J.D.'s Narration: I think everyone would like to believe it's possible to become someone different.... To change how people see us.
Nurses' Station...
Dr. Cox comes over to the nurses using the new computer.
Dr. Cox: Haha! I told you he'd buckle! How's that new computer? Pretty good, huh?
Carla: We wouldn't know -- this one's from, like, 1970.
Dr. Cox: Well, what'd he do with the new one?
J.D.'s Narration: But sometimes change doesn't last for long.
Dr. Kelso's Office...
Dr. Kelso is using his sleek new computer.
Dr. Kelso: By golly, you're so pretty, I may not even use you!
J.D.'s Narration: And other times, just makes you miss what you had.
Doctor's Lounge...
Elliot looks out the door at Paul.
J.D.'s Narration: ...a little.
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I'm happy just knowing who I am.
Cafeteria...
J.D. strides past the "Surgical Table", back to where he belongs.
(The song fades)
He sits down at the "Medical Table", where Doug is tapping his nose and...honking.
Doug: Hey, J.D.? Do you have any nasal spray?
J.D.: No problem, Dougster.
He tosses the bottle to Doug (ew).
Doug: Yeah!
J.D.'s Thoughts: For I am John Dorian -- King of the Nerds!
***Fantasy Shot: J.D. majestically rises in the air, his arms outstretched.
Doug: Hey, J.D.?
***
J.D. is in actuality just standing up.
Doug: You okay?
J.D. looks around and quickly sits back down.
J.D.: I'm fine. Don't Bogart my nasal spray.
He grabs the bottle back.

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