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2x16 comedian

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Karma".

ActEdit

Diner - Evening
The gang are enjoying themselves at a booth.
Elliot: I still can't believe you guys are getting married!
Carla: I know! All my girlfriends think I'm crazy...[off Turk's look]...about you! Because you're so damn cute!
She kisses him.
Turk: Good save.
He kisses her back, then turns to the others.
Turk: Thank you very much for coming out tonight, guys.
J.D.: Oh, come on, this is the only way to celebrate, right? With close friends...and...Nurse Roberts....
Nurse Roberts: Oh, hey, now, don't get all pissy now. You said "My treat, order whatever you want." You didn't say "order whatever you want except the lobster."
J.D.: I said "no shellfish."
J.D.'s Narration: I wasn't really mad. This was great except for one thing.
Paul rejoins the table with a few bottles in hand.
Paul: Hey, you can't celebrate without beer.
Turk: You're absolutely right!
J.D. watches as Paul snuggles next to Elliot.
J.D.'s Narration: Sure, Paul was dating Elliot. But, luckily, I'm not the jealous type.
J.D.: Okay, I'll, uh, I'll go ahead and--and make a little toast, here. Uh, a toast that only people that've known...Turk and Carla more than a week will understand. [takes a breath] You guys rock. You do.
Turk and Carla look lovingly at each other -- 'We _do_ rock.'
J.D.'s Thoughts: How's that taste, Blondie!
Paul: You guys, you know, I've just gotten to know you as a couple, but you remind me of my grandparents. They were married for sixty-five years, and every night before Grandpa and Grandma would walk around the block, he would look deep into her eyes as if to say, "I'd follow you anywhere." Anyway, the way you two just looked at each other, I could have sworn I was looking at them.
J.D. stares at Paul for a moment, his eyes all misty, before he remembers how he's supposed to feel.
J.D.: Lame! [laughs] This guy. [wipes his eyes]

SceneEdit

Hospital, Admissions -- The Next Day
J.D.: Morning, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, how is it this whole hospital gets up in arms every time our MRI machine misses a tumor, but every morning our lousy coffee machine spits out warm urine and nobody gives two hoots!?
J.D.: We missed another tumor?
Dr. Kelso: Who cares! The point is, I have to go across the street to get coffee! Piping-hot coffee that puts a hop in your step and your ass in the john.
J.D. stops at the front desk as Dr. Kelso heads out the front door, passing Turk who is talking to a patient, Mr. Simms.
Mr. Simms: I just wish I really knew why it hurt so much right here.
Turk: Well, Mr. Simms, it could be because it's damp out. It could also be because, four days ago, I sliced your chest open with a giant knife. You had surgery, buddy, you'll be fine.
He pats the man on the back and heads over to the front desk with J.D.
Turk: Hey, Dr. Dorian, I have a couple of minutes off. Would you like me to show you that technique I was telling you about?
J.D.: Yes, Doctor.
Cut to...
The Roof
The guys have a golf mat spread out. J.D. watches Turk set up a tee and ball on it.
Turk: See, now, what you want to do is choke up on the club like this? And then hit this bad boy like a baseball!
He drives the ball off the roof, out into the city below.
J.D.: You can't teach that.
Turk: No you cannot, my friend. No you cannot!
J.D.: So, what was up with Mr. Simms back there?
Turk: Ahhh, during his open-lung biopsy, I accidentally nicked his intercostal artery, and now he's got a hematoma.
J.D.: Are you gonna tell him?
Turk: What, and risk a lawsuit? Are you crazy? Besides, it'll heal just fine, anyway. Hey, throw me another ball.
J.D. does so.
J.D.: Yeah, but...don't you believe in bad karma?
Turk: No!
He hits his next ball, which bounces into the parking lot, where Dr. Kelso is carrying his tray of coffee.
Dr. Kelso: Hot cuppa lava, coming through.
The ball bounces in to him, knocking his tray. The hot coffee splashes him in the face.
He freezes with shock before screaming.
Dr. Kelso: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
His wails echo throughout the valley.
J.D.: I dunno. Me, I think karma keeps the universe in order.
Turk: Karma, schmarma. [he sets up another ball] Now listen, if you're not getting the length on the drive that you need, a lot of the better pros take a running start.
J.D.: Righty-o.
J.D. holds his club and runs at the tee. He whacks the ball, and it flies out over the roof.
After a second, a horrible car crash is heard in the street below.
J.D. and Turk flee the roof.

ActEdit

Nurses' Station
J.D. is looking over a chart.
J.D.'s Narration: In medicine, you get used to seeing a lot of horrible things.
Dr. Kelso comes up next to him.
Dr. Kelso: Morning, sport.
J.D. looks up at Dr. Kelso, whose face is covered in red burns.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, my God! Do _not_ say "splotchy."
J.D.: Good splotchy, Dr. Splotchy.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, please, it's barely noticeable.
Dr. Cox and Jordan come up to them.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh! Dark Roast!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit!
He leaves.
J.D. turns his smiling attention to Jordan.
J.D.: There she is! [leans down to her belly] Are you ready to be born today! Jeebeedeebeejeebee....
Jordan: Get the hell away from my stomach, or I'll put you in a leg-lock and snap your little bird-neck with my enormous thighs.
He straightens up to face her.
J.D.: Enjoy your special day.
He escapes.
Jordan: Thanks.
Dr. Cox: Now, in honor of this little goblin's arrival, I have gone ahead and taken care of everything: Dr. Gerson will be _waiting_ to induce you; she will also administer the world's largest epidural. I have wealthily under-qualified residents covering all of my patients, so that I can be with you every step of the way. And, here's the kicker: I have traded every single one of my weekends, I have called in every favor, and I have kissed every pompous, wrinkled ass in this fluorescent hell-hole, so that I could secure for you the one and only mack-daddy, out-of-your-mind birthing suite in this entire hospital!
Flash to...
A Birthing Suite
Jordan and Perry stand at the door, looking into the small, cramped, run-down room, its fluorescent lights flickering miserably.
Jordan: Nice job, Alice.

SceneEdit

Nurses' Station -- Another Floor
Elliot stands idly, Paul approaches her.
Elliot: [smiling] Hey, Paul.
Paul: What are you doing down here?
Elliot: Oh, I just need a nurse to help me out.
Paul: Hey, this name-tag says Paul Flowers, Nurse -- not Paul Flowers, Elliot Reid's Boyfriend. Now, what do you need?
Elliot: Mr. Mahoney threw up on himself. He needs a bath.
Paul grimaces and turns to one of his colleagues.
Paul: Hey, uh, Dina, my girlfriend's got a job for you!
Dina: [sarcastic] Uh, right!
Elliot: Paul, um...I just want you to know I am having such a good time with you.
Paul: Me too.
They kiss.
Paul: Hey, sorry I didn't call you last night, I just totally crashed.
Elliot: No big deal.
Paul: See, I love that you don't let the little things bother you. Like, right now, you've got pit stains, and you're just like, "Whatever! I'm workin' hard!"
Elliot: [laughs] What can I say? I'm an easy-going gal!
They part, and she races down the hall in the opposite direction, screaming at the surrounding staffers:
Elliot: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I need deodorant and a dry top over here!

SceneEdit

I.C.U.
J.D. and Turk come to the bed of a man.
J.D.'s Narration: Doctors love to use humor.
J.D.: Well, Mr. Foster, your blood tests are back, and the good news is you're not pregnant.
Turk cracks up.
Mr. Foster isn't amused.
Turk: 'Cause you're.... 'Cause you're a.....
***Fantasy Sequence: J.D. is a stand-up comedian.
The 'Seinfeld' "pop-de-pop-bump" music plays.
J.D.: I said, "Not pregnant." [taps the mic] Is this thing on? And hey! What is the deal with Q-Tips? They're not Qs, and they're not tips!
Turk performs the "rimshot" drum sequence with a couple of defibrillator paddles.
****
J.D.: Uhhh, but unfortunately, the CAT-scan suggests a laceration in your spleen, which is why I asked for a surgical consult. So, how'd this happen, anyway?
Mr. Foster: A golf ball hit my windshield, and I drove into a tree.
Turk and J.D. look at each other.
Together: Mmm?

SceneEdit

Birthing Suite
Jordan is trying to relax as she waits for Perry to return. He comes in.
Dr. Cox: Okay, here's the deal: You are, in fact, supposed to be up in the mack-daddy suite, but the woman who's in there is in her fortieth hour of labor.
Jordan: Did you explain to her that it is _my_ room?
Dr. Cox: I started to, but then she screamed, grunted, and pooped on the table. God [snickers], it always cracks me up that they never tell pregnant women to expect that one!
Jordan: I'm going to _poo_ in front of people!?
Dr. Cox: No.... Yeah!
Jordan: We are so done talking!
Dr. Cox: Don't tease me.
Jordan: Where's Dr. Gerson?
Dr. Cox: She's up in that room with the woman.
Jordan: Then who the hell's gonna take care of me!?
Dr. Cox: She's sending her resident.
The Resident, a pert young brunette breezes in.
Resident: Hey, happy couple! Hi! I'm Donna Brulatti, but you can call me...Dr. Donna! [laughs]
Jordan gives Perry a horrified, angry look.

SceneEdit

Hall / Nurses' Station
Elliot is walking with Carla
Elliot: Carla, you know how I'm...really crazy?
Carla: Sure, what's up?
Elliot: It's just getting so hard to hide the crazy from Paul.
Carla: Oh, I hear you, girl. I mean, Turk and I are engaged--?
Elliot: Mm-hmm?
Carla: --and it wasn't until last week that I admitted the reason I don't touch the seat when I go to the bathroom isn't because of germs but because I'm afraid of toilet snakes.
Elliot: Aaaaand now so am I.
Carla: Look, I think, with men, you just have to hold out until they're invested enough they won't run away at the first thing that spooks them.
Elliot: I know.... And, with Paul, I really feel like we're getting pretty close right now!
Carla: So...you guys have...?
Elliot: Not yet, but tonight's our fourth date, so....
Carla: Four dates?
Elliot: Yeah, it's one date longer than the sluts, one date shorter than the prudes. I am Four-Date Reid!
Carla: Yeah, but, what about that surgeon the other---
Elliot: I'm Four-Date Reid!
Paul comes up and puts his arm around Elliot.
Paul: Hey, Cutie! Hey! You ready for our third date?
Elliot: _Fourth_ date! You're forgetting about the time we ran into each other at the coffee machine. [to Carla] You shut up! [back to Paul] Hi!
They walk off together.
Cut to...
Hall
Turk and J.D. are leaving the I.C.U.
Turk: What the hell am I doing playing golf!? This is all Tiger Woods' fault.
J.D.: This guy's gonna sue the hospital, we're gonna get fired, we'll have to become male whores.
Turk gives him a look.
J.D.: Very successful male whores -- we'll probably have a nicer apartment and some bling-bling, but male whores nonetheless!
Turk: Relax, all right? Nobody knows about this but us. We'll be fine.
The Janitor stops them.
Janitor: Hey, guys! Check out the personalized golf club cozy I found on the roof!
He's got it on his hand like a sock puppet.
Janitor: [puppeting the cozy, with a Goliath voice] "Hi, Davey!"
J.D.: [under breath to Turk] You and your stupid Christmas present!
Janitor: Yeah.... Seems like one of the golf balls you hit went through the windshield of my van. No big deal, I just expect you to replace it, that's all.
J.D.: Wait, wait, wait. Your--your windshield's been broken for like a year!
Janitor: Yeah! Yeah, I know. Still. [puppets the cozy again] "Oh, no! Looks like we're in a...pickle! Pick--pick--pickle!" [bounces the puppet in the guys' faces] boogida-boogida-boogida-boogida-boogida-boogida-boogida-boogida-boo Pop! [he pops Turk in the nose with the cozy, then tosses his keys at J.D.] Here's the keys, have it back by tomorrow. [looks at Turk] Who're you?
Turk: Dr. Turk.
Janitor: I don't care.

SceneEdit

Dr. Kelso's Office
Dr. Kelso is treating his face with the aid of a hand mirror. Dr. Cox arrives at his door.
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna lie to you, there, Bob; I have not been having the greatest day.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I just drew in this eyebrow five minutes ago, so cry me a river.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, Jordan and I got stuck in this crappy room, and I was wondering if....if....whoo, well....
Dr. Kelso: Perry, if you want a favor, don't beat around the bush. Just...curtsy.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon, there, Backdraft?
Dr. Kelso: You heard what I said. Well?
Dr. Cox reluctantly very quickly flashes the tails of his lab coat back in a curtsy.
Dr. Kelso: Always remember how I made you do that.
Dr. Cox grumbles and leaves.
Dr. Kelso: Ha ha ha! [pained] Oh!

SceneEdit

Ted the Lawyer's Office
J.D. and Turk come in.
Lawyer: Hey, fellas! Always nice to have visitors! So, uh, what's the dealio?
J.D.: Ted.... How bad would it really be if, uh, two doctors were hitting golf balls off the roof and they caused a car accident and the driver needed surgery?
Ted stares ahead blankly.
J.D.: Ted?
Lawyer: Hey, fellas! Always nice to have visitors! So, what's the dealio?
J.D.: No dealio, Ted, we just stopped by to say "Hi." ...Hi.
Turk: See you later, buddy.
Turk holds his fist out for Ted to bump.
Ted instead, with every lame white guy fiber in his body, slaps Turk's fist.
Lawyer: Later!
The guys exit into the hall.
J.D.'s Narration: We both knew what we had to do.
J.D.: Let's come clean.
Turk: Let's not tell anyone! Ever! Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever! EVER!
J.D.: Ever?
Turk: Ever!
J.D.'s Narration: I guess it's hard to predict how a person will react.
Cut to...
Outside Elliot's Apartment
She and Paul are kissing.
Elliot: So...you wanna come in?
Paul: No, it's okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
He leaves.
Cut to...
Admissions
Dr. Cox and Jordan are walking to the front doors.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, Jordan, why don't we just think of today as--as a test run.
J.D.'s Narration: Other times, people react exactly how you think they will.
Jordan: Honestly, Perry, the only way I could have felt more taken care of is if I were at a four-star resort, or a spa...or a third-world country where you have to boil your own sewage if you want something to drink! Oh, and by the way? A giant, giant feather in your cap for how much power you wield in this hospital after 15 years.
Dr. Cox: Come on, come on, come on, Jordan. I am so sorry everything fell apart today, honest-to-God, I am. But I guarantee that when you get here tomorrow, Dr. Gerson will, in fact, be in the super-deluxe birthing suite so that you can go ahead and have that story-book, drug-addled, Pitocin-induced pregnancy that you've always dreamed of ever since you were a little girl. But, in the meantime, you've gotta cut me a little slack. I mean, come on, it's not like I see the real father running around here, busting his hump.
Jordan: Ohh, that's nice. I'm going home.
She turns to leave.
Dr. Cox: No, no you're not.
Jordan: Bye-bye!
Dr. Cox: Jordan, your water just broke.
She stops.
Jordan: This kid's annoying me already.

ActEdit

Birthing Suite
Jordan is set up on the bed, Dr. Cox and Dr. Donna hover over her.
Dr. Donna: I think having babies is so much fun! Don't you!
Jordan: I will choke her.
Dr. Cox: Please, Dr. Brulatti, no more talking.
Dr. Donna: Oh, you know, I really prefer "Dr. Donna"!
Dr. Cox: No means no, pep-squad. Now beat it.
She backs away from Jordan’s bed, and he moves in to speak to Jordan tenderly.
Dr. Cox: And, Jordan, I am not gonna leave your side until that baby is delivered.
Jordan: Get the hell out of here.
Dr. Cox: What?
Jordan: I'm serious. Why don't you do us both a favor and get out.
Dr. Cox: [stunned] ...Fine.
He leaves.
Dr. Donna comes back to Jordan.
Dr. Donna: It's important to stay positive!
Jordan: GET ME AN EPIDURAL BEFORE I RIP YOUR TEETH OUT!
Dr. Donna: Okie-dokie!
Cut to...
Hall
Dr. Cox exits Jordan's room. He calls to J.D.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Girl's Name!
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: Gimme a break -- I got a lot on my mind, Ellen! Ooh! Look at that! I bounced back! A-hey-anyway, the cave bat just kicked me out of its lair, and seeing as I no longer have my all-access pass to crazy town, I'm going to need you to occasionally go in there and poke her with a broomstick, just to see how she's doing.
J.D.: Dr. Cox---
Dr. Cox: Uh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Please! Just...check on her, 'kay? All right.
He doesn't really wait for an agreement from J.D. before walking on down the hall.
J.D.: [calling after him] But what if she has the baby while I'm in there?
***Fantasy Sequence: The Birthing Suite
J.D. stands nervously by as Jordan delivers.
Jordan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dr. Donna: Here it comes!
J.D. looks over Dr. Donna's shoulder at what has emerged from Jordan.
J.D.: What the hell is that?
Dr. Donna: [to the baby] Goo-goo, ga-ga! Ga-ga, goo-goo! Goo-goo! Gee-gee! Agh!
With other-worldly squeals, the slimy monster leaps from Dr. Donna's arms and latches on to J.D.'s throat.
J.D.: AAAGGGHHH!! GAH! Oh, somebody get it off!!!!!!
****
J.D. is frozen with that thought outside Jordan's door.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I'll check on her later!

SceneEdit

Hall / Nurses Station
Elliot is walking through. Paul calls to her as he catches up.
Paul: Elliot, wait up. Elliot.
Elliot: Hey.
Paul: I wanted to explain about last night. We had a great time, and I know that you wanted me to come in to...you know....
Elliot: Oh, no, no, no! I invited you in to see my...fish tank.
Nearby, Todd is overhearing.
Todd: Is that what you ladies are calling it nowadays?
Paul: Careful, Todd.
Todd: Sorry, Nurse Flowers, sir.
He nervously leaves.
Paul: Elliot, listen, I think you're an amazing girl, I really do. But...something just didn't feel right about last night. It's just that I've rushed things with people in the past, and I don't want to do that with you.
Elliot's Thoughts: What does he mean "in the past"? Does he have an ex-girlfriend? [looks over at one of the nurses] Is that her? Slut!
Elliot: I feel the same way. Heh.
Paul leaves to go on about his work.
Elliot stares at the nurse.
Nurse: Hey!
Elliot: Oh, I am on to you.
Elliot: Go on. Heh.

SceneEdit

??
Carla is doing some organizational work. Dr. Cox stands in the doorway talking to her.
Dr. Cox: So, now...why'd you finally agree to marry Gandhi?
Carla: Well, he's amazing in bed...and he has an awesome CD collection.
Dr. Cox: Seriously, what got you to the point where you weren't scared anymore?
Carla: Please! I'm still terrified! I mean, good luck finding a pen cap at the nurses' station. Know why?
Dr. Cox: Why?
Carla: Ate 'em all.
Dr. Cox: Sounds like good roughage to me.
Carla: What do you do when you get scared?
Dr. Cox: Run away, get a divorce, drink alone.... You know, the classics. The thing is that, this time, I am killing myself for this woman, and I'm still getting my ass handed to me.
Carla: There is no Shangri-La, you know? Every relationship is messed up. What makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things really suck.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, well, I'm not so sure.
Carla: [encouraging] It'll come to you.

SceneEdit

Parking Lot
J.D., Turk, and the Janitor stand in front of his van, looking at the new windshield.
Janitor: All right, gentlemen, either of you in the market for a van? Five hundred bucks.
Turk: The windshield cost that much.
Janitor: Oh. Eight hundred.
J.D.: No thanks.
The guys leave.
Janitor: Come on.... There's still half a deer in the back! [looks harder] I think that's a deer.
Cut to...
Hall
J.D.'s Narration: After being blackmailed, I decided to check in on Jordan.
He opens the door and peers inside, where Jordan is sitting up, shouting at the unseen doctor on the other side of the room.
Jordan: You tell me, Donna! Do I look like I need more drugs!?!
She hurls something across the room.
Dr. Donna: [out of view] Ow! My face!
J.D. closes the door again.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Then again, I have other problems. Because I know that some windshield hush-money won't keep the karma gods from coming after Turk and me.
Cut to... Nurse Roberts handing J.D. a clipboard.
Nurse Roberts: Q-Tip, Dr. Murphy called, they need you to cover his call tonight.
Cut to... Todd delivering some news to Turk.
Todd: Dude! Dr. Wen's doing a stomach stapling, and he wants you to be there to hold back the guy's fat flap.
Cut to... Dr. Kelso delivering some news to J.D.
Dr. Kelso: Apparently my face is scaring my patients, so you're going to take them off my hands for about a week.
He pushes a large stack of clipboards into J.D.'s arms.
Cut to... J.D. catching up with Turk to deliver some news.
J.D.: Turk! The Dairy Queen burned down!
Turk: No!
J.D.: Now do you see?

SceneEdit

Nurses' Station
Elliot comes up to Carla, all frazzled.
Elliot: I can't take it, Carla! I cannot hide the crazy a minute longer! And the worst part is, Paul is this sweet, perfect guy who actually wants to take things slow with me, and I'm just this big mountain of cuckoo who's about to erupt and spew molten crazy all over him, and he's gonna die like this:
She locks her face into a shocked, pained expression.
Carla: Calm down, Elliot. Do what I used to do -- find people who don't even know Paul, and then just let it out in little bursts.
Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, ladies!
Elliot: [to Dr. Kelso] You know, when I was a kid, I got a sunburn like that and just peeled all the skin off, put it in a pile, and ate it.
Dr. Kelso: [disgusted] Good Lord!
Elliot looks slightly calmer from the release of a little cuckoo pressure.

SceneEdit

I.C.U.
Turk and J.D. stand at Mr. Foster's bed again.
J.D.'s Narration: For us, it was time to face the karmic music.
Turk: We were the ones that hit your car with that golf ball.
J.D.: Well, technically it was Dr. Turk.
Turk: You...liar! Okay, it was _you_!
J.D.: You know what, it really doesn't matter.
Mr. Foster: What were you guys doing hitting golf balls way down town?
Turk: Down town?
J.D.: I...told you it wasn't us.

SceneEdit

Elliot's Apartment
Paul and Elliot are having a picnic in her living room.
Paul: You know, this is almost exactly like the kind of picnics I had with my mother.
Elliot: You're so cute!
She gives him a deep kiss.
Paul: And now it's exactly like them.
She giggles.
Paul: You got something in your tooth.
Elliot's eyes widen. She turns her head away and rubs at her teeth.
Elliot's Thoughts: I can't believe I have something on my teeth. Get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off! Get it off!
She turns back and grins at him.
Elliot: Did I get it?
Paul: Uh, no, but, don't worry about it. So, anyway, I was thinking....
Elliot looks at him attentively, but her mind is elsewhere as she wiggles her mouth around, obviously trying to clean her teeth with the tip of her tongue.
Paul: Elliot? Elliot! Is everything all right?
Elliot: Everything's great! Yeah! Come here.
She leans over to kiss him, but he backs away.
Elliot: What?
Paul: It's just, well, this is what bothered me the other night. 'Cause I--I know that there's something wrong, but y-you won't talk about it. I guess sometimes it--it feels like you're holding back.
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day, when you told me that I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am wracked with self-doubt. I have panic attacks. I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic. I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice. And yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There! I opened up! Are you happy?
Paul: No. I'm incredibly turned on.
Swanky saxophone music comes up as he pulls her down onto the couch with him into a passionate kiss.
The music halts when Elliot jerks up.
Elliot: I gotta, uh, get this right off my teeth.
She wriggles away and off the couch.
Elliot: Excuse me.
He watches as she disappears into another room.
A crash is heard.
Elliot: [out of view] Ow! I'm okay!

SceneEdit

Hall
J.D. is determinedly walking through.
J.D.'s Narration: I still believe in karma, and if I wasn't being punished for Mr. Golf Ball, I think I knew where my bad karma was coming from.
He slips into Jordan's room.
She's reading a magazine, and barely looks up.
Jordan: I don't know that many straight guys that wear cologne.
J.D.: I'm down to one spritz.
Jordan: Hm.
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox asked me to check in on you; I'm sorry I haven't been here until now.
She looks at him with interest.
Jordan: He asked you to...check in on me?
J.D.: Yep. So...? How ya doin'?
Jordan: Well, I have ruined everything! All he tried to do was take care of me and show me that he loved me. But, no, I had to drive him away because I don't like being vulnerable even when I'm normal, let alone with my ankles in stirrups and my coochie on display. So, now he's gone away for good; and I would really like to get this stupid thing out of me so I can go home and kill myself!
J.D.: Well, you sound good.
Jordan: I was going to tell him the truth eventually, I just wanted to see if he was going to be with me because he _wanted_ to, not because he _had_ to. Do you know what I mean?
J.D.: What are you talking about?
Jordan: It's his baby, stupid! Don't tell anyone.
J.D.'s eyes widen, and she goes back to her magazine.
Dr. Cox enters.
Dr. Cox: All right, lookit, Kappa Gamma, here, says it's time to get this thing underway, so I don't care if you want me here or not -- I'm...staying.
Jordan: Whatever, all right.
Dr. Cox: Good. ...What're you two talking about?
J.D. opens his mouth -- Jordan gives him a pleading look that bears a hint of "Remember, the instant I'm out of this situation, I can and will hunt you down and kill you."
J.D.: Apartheid?
Jordan: I-it's wrong.
Dr. Cox: Oh!
J.D.'s Narration: Call me new agey, but I think karma's a powerful force.
Cut to...
Roof
Ted is dressed in your cliché golf attire -- plaid...everywhere. He sets up a golf ball on a tee as Todd stands nearby.
Lawyer: I honestly don't know what put the idea of golfing on the roof in my head!
Todd slathers his bare chest with lotion.
Todd: Dude! It is so nice out here! You mind if I take it down to the banana hammock?
He jerks off his scrubs bottoms, revealing a loudly patterned speedo.
J.D.'s Narration: Because I honestly believe, if you've got some bad karma coming your way, well...
Ted begins his swing, but is interrupted by the arrival of Dr. Kelso on the roof.
Lawyer: Hi, Dr. Kelso!
To cover, he releases his club, which flies through the air into the parking lot below.
J.D.'s Narration: ...you can't hide from it.
The club plunges through the Janitor's new windshield.
J.D.'s Narration: Karma's really just about doing the right thing.
Cut to... Turk talking to Mr. Simms.
Turk: So, uh...anyway, Mr. Simms, I wanted to explain to you why your chest was hurting? During surgery, I....
He continues explaining, but is drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration: ....Or about being who you really are.
Cut to... Elliot relaxing and being her crazy self with Paul.
J.D.'s Narration: Either way, it's a lot to think about.
Cut to...
Jordan's Room
Dr. Cox holds the baby as J.D. watches on.
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. Would you look at the mug on Jordan's baby? Must have one butt-ugly father! [laughs]
J.D.: [smiles] ...Yeah....
J.D.'s Thoughts: Damn you, Karma!

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