The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Jiggly Ball".
Scene 1[]
Open: Elliot's apartment. J.D. is on the couch. Elliot enters with a bag of groceries.
J.D.'s Narration: I really missed living with Turk. But living with Elliot wasn't that bad.
Elliot: Hey, roomie! I'm having the girls from my yoga class over for drinks tonight and FYI, Tina, the tiny brunette just got dumped and she's looking for rebound sex. Honestly, how could I be a better roommate?
J.D.'s Thoughts: She could be half Turk and half Elliot.
(J.D's fantasy. J.D. is playing video games with someone who has Elliot's body, face and voice, but Turk's complexion, shaved head and goatee.)
Turk/Elliot: Hey dog, if you die before me, I'll let you play with my boobies while I finish.
(J.D. intentionally dies and tosses the controller aside.)
J.D.: I died, Turk-iot. Hellooo!
(J.D. reaches over to play with Turk/Elliot's boobs. Flashback ends. J.D. is sitting on the couch playing with imaginary boobs.)
Elliot: J.D., what are you doing?
J.D.: Nothing.
Elliot: Because it looked like you were thinking about fondling my breasts, and if that's the case, then stop thinking and start fondling.
(She pulls open her shirt and J.D. reaches towards Elliot. Cut to Hospital hallway. J.D. is fondling Turk's chest, eyes closed. The preceding scene was another fantasy.)
Turk: Dude, what the hell are you doing?
J.D.: I miss having you as my roommate, I don't know!
Turk: Check it out. Keith's telling Mr. Morrison about his brain tumor.
J.D.'s Narration: Seeing an intern tell someone they're going to die for the first time is strange. Because even though it's a horrible and sad experience, if they get through it, there's a sense of accomplishment.
(Keith comes out of Mr. Morrison's room and sighs.)
Keith: Nailed it! Hell yeah!
J.D.: Good job, man. What did you say?
Keith: Well, I just told him that there's nothing more we can do right now.
Turk & J.D.: Ooh!
Keith: What?
J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies that there maybe something we can do tomorrow.
Keith: Well, I also said that we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
Turk: Sounds like someone's going to get new pillows and a comforter.
Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
(Mr. Morrison smiles and waves at the three of them. Turk, J.D. and Keith wave back.)
J.D.: Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the word "die." Dead, dying, deadsies, deadwood. Your choice.
Keith: What was the middle one?
J.D.: Deadsies.
(Keith nods and goes back into the room.)
Turk: Deadwood?
J.D.: Did you know cowboys used to curse?
Turk: I didn't know that.
(Ted and Dr. Kelso enter the ICU.)
Ted: Gather round, people, Dr. Kelso has an announcement to make!
Dr. Kelso: That'll be all, Ted. You can go back to doing whatever you were doing.
Ted: It was my day off.
Dr. Kelso: Due to lack of funds, I'm shutting down our baby-mobile, which means there will no longer be free prenatal care for underprivileged women. Bottom line, if you're thinking about knocking up a homeless gal, I'd do it this weekend.
(Colonel Doctor laughs.)
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Colonel Doctor.
Colonel Doctor: Excuse me?
Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry, I don't know your name and you look like that Kentucky Fried Chicken guy. Moving on. This Friday I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.
Dr. Cox: "Jerk-off of the Year." No, "Bastard of the year." Ah, don't you tell me, "Guy I Despise So Much I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You By My Bed So That When I Wake Up In the Morning, I Can Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of...the Year."
Dr. Kelso: And, we're back. Anyway, I need one of you attendings to introduce me at the dinner, so figure it out.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
J.D.: How do we handle this?
Dr. Cox: Same way we have for years.
(Cut to Dr. Cox, Dr. Mickhead and others in wheelchairs holding wheelies.)
Dr. Cox: First one who falls introduces Kelso.
J.D.: Unfortunately for you guys, I have the balance of a...
J.D.'s Thoughts: Careful, you're about to let Dr. Cox know you were a gymnast in high school.
J.D.: Fine. Let's do this. Wheels up.
(J.D. pops a wheelie and starts balancing with the other doctors)
J.D.: [to himself] OK, come on Dorian. Find your center. Round the rosy! [to the room] Hey! I got it! I don't got it!
(J.D. rolls backwards offscreen. Cut to elevator door opening. J.D. rolls out.
J.D.: Whoa. Whoa. Reel it in, Take it clockwise, fight your fear!
(Cut to Hospital entrance. J.D., still doing a wheelie, bounces out the door.)
J.D.: Come on. Come on. Be the chair. You gotta want it Johnny D! You gotta want it! Woooooo!!
(J.D. rolls backwards down the wheelchair ramp and falls over backwards at the bottom.)
Dr. Cox: Oh! Tough break, there, Newbie.
(The other attendings are there (still in wheelchairs) to see J.D. fall.)
Dr. Cox: Group! Position right...Ho!
(They turn to the right and begin wheeling away.)
Dr. Cox: [cadence] I don't know, but I believe...
Doctors: I don't know, but I believe...
Dr. Cox: [fading out] Newbie's going to...
OPENING THEME
Scene 2[]
Open: Dr. Cox and J.D. walking in the hall towards the Admission's Area.
J.D.: So, I have to introduce Dr. Kelso. Big whoop.
Dr. Cox: I don't think you understand the predicament you are in here. Kelso expects a long, glowing testimonial. The kind that make men cheer and women...What is that women do, Newbie?
J.D.: How the hell would I know?
J.D.'s Thoughts: They swoon.
Dr. Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, your fellow attendings will forever think of you as a brown-nosing toadie. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
Dr. Cox: You go do that, and I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. OK?
(Dr. Cox checks his watch and exits.)
J.D.: Everyone has a human side, Coxy. Even Kelso.
Laverne: The hell he does. I remember a flu epidemic. He lost half a dozen children in one day. Hmm!
(Flashback. Cut to hospital entrance. Dr. Kelso walks down the steps, looking grim.)
Laverne: [voiceover] The second Kelso's foot hits the bottom of those stairs, he doesn't have a care in the world.
(Dr. Kelso reaches the bottom of the steps and walks away, strutting and whistling. End flashback)
J.D.: You know, Laverne, I'm a doctor. So I'm not really gonna take my psychological evaluations from someone who dispenses them in between watching "Maury" and eating a corn muffin.
J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, that was too mean. Apologize.
J.D.: Laverne, I...
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ah, the hell with it. She's not gonna forgive you, go for broke!
J.D.: I was watching CNN earlier. Apparently the terror alert in your armpits has been elevated to orange. Oh, no he didn't. Yes, Laverne, he did.
(J.D. exits. Laverne snaps a clipboard in half.)
Janitor: [mocking voice] "Laverne, I'm a doctor." You're a bit of a know it all, aren't you?
J.D.: Well, I know a lot.
Janitor: Yeah? Who was Deep Throat?
J.D.: Mark Felt, the F.B.I. guy. That's been all over the news for months.
Janitor: Oh, sorry, rich boy. My TV doesn't get the news. Just the bible channel and some kind of Chinese boxing. I bet you don't know how to play Jiggly Ball.
J.D.: That's because there's no such thing.
Janitor: Ha ha! I knew you didn't know.
(Dr. Kelso comes out of a room, sees J.D. and walks away quickly. J.D. follows him.)
J.D.'s Narration: I knew if I just followed Dr. Kelso around for a little while, he'd eventually do something decent. I'm a master of stealth. I could sneak up on anybody.
(J.D. begins tip-toeing, but comes face to face with Dr. Kelso.)
Dr. Kelso: Why are you following me?
J.D.: Sir, aren't you being a little paranoid?
Dr. Kelso: I was in Nam, you know. They pulled off my fingernails.
J.D.: When did you get an earring?
(Flashback to Dr. Kelso's house.)
Dr. Kelso: Enid, I'm not cheating on you, this earring is mine.
(Dr. Kelso forces the earring through his earlobe and starts bleeding.)
Dr. Kelso: See?
(End flashback.)
Dr. Kelso: It's a hip-hop world, son. Keep up or get out of the way.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
J.D.: [to himself] I've got to get an earring.
(Cut to hallway. J.D. and Turk are walking.)
J.D.: Turk, have you heard of Jiggly Ball?
Turk: Yeah, it's a game the orderlies made up.
J.D.: I've heard of it, too. It's so awesome that we've both heard of it.
Turk: Yes, that--that's awesome.
(They enter a private patient's room)
Turk: Mr. Keck, what do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia!
Mr. Keck: Um, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night, I was in pain so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
Turk: Well, you're just going to have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jock strap! Give me some!
(Turk high fives J.D.)
J.D.: Here it is!
Turk: Ho!
(Cut to free clinic. Elliot is on her cell phone.)
Elliot: Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky, black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
(Cut to Mr. Keck's room. Mr. Keck is on the phone.)
J.D.: [to Turk] You'd make a pretty girl.
Mr. Keck: [on phone] Yeah.
(Cut to free clinic)
Elliot: All right, now repeat after me...
(Cut to Mr. Keck's room)
Mr. Keck: [mechanically] You can't decide for me, that's not your duty.
(Cut to free clinic)
Elliot: And are they both trying not to laugh at word "duty?"
(Cut to Mr. Keck's room. J.D. and Turk are trying to suppress laughter.)
Mr. Keck: Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
(Turk snatches the phone from Mr. Keck.)
Turk: Who the hell is this?
Male Voice on Phone: Where are my shoelaces?
(Cut to free clinic. Elliot grabs her phone out of a patient's hand and hangs up.)
Elliot: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive, was that so hard?
(Cut to Mr. Morrison's room)
Dr. Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you were going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the rest of the day checking that counter top's heartbeat.
(Pan to Keith doing as Dr. Cox says. He stands up.)
Keith: Sorry, Mr. Morrison--
Dr. Cox: Keith! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.
(Keith returns to checking the counter top with a stethoscope)
Dr. Cox: [to Mr. Morrison] Now, the hospital is running an experimental drug trial on a medication that they're hoping will reduce the size of tumors. Well, I'm gonna try my hardest to get you in there.
Mr. Morrison: I really appreciate that, sir.
(Cut to Keith. J.D. enters)
J.D.: Ahh, checking Mr. Countertop's heart rate.
(He slams a thick folder down on the counter top, making Keith jump.)
J.D.: Memories. Did you know that once Dr. Cox had me give every air conditioning unit in this hospital a pap smear? The wacky thing was, room 403 did have some yeast issues.
(Dr. Cox comes out of Mr. Morrison's room.)
J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox, this intro is killing me. Have you seen Kelso?
Dr. Cox: Nope. But, our new patient, Mr. Franks, in here is crazy rich, so I'd imagine big Bob will be here momentarily to make love to his money clip--
(Dr. Kelso rushes by in a blur into Mr. Franks' room, scattering the papers Dr. Cox and J.D. are holding.)
Dr. Kelso: Hi. Bob Kelso.
(Cut to ICU)
Dr. Kelso: Listen up, bozos. That gentleman over there is basically a cash piñata waiting to be whacked open. So how about someone diagnoses him so I can get my candy.
Dr. Cox: I'll be glad to do it, Bob, if you'll do me a favor and put my patient, Mr. Morrison, in that experimental drug trial.
Dr. Kelso: Sure, what the hell.
Dr. Cox: Deal.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Finally, I had something I could say in my speech. Dr. Kelso was an angel.
(J.D.'s fantasy. Dr. Kelso rises off the floor, arms outstretched and glows in a heavenly blue-white light.)
(Cut to free clinic)
Elliot: Look, Lorraine, the sooner you let me have a look at that rash, the sooner we can get you back home...I mean, back on the street, which is your home. Hey, home street home, huh? I'm sorry, Lorraine, that was incredibly insensitive.
(There is a knock on the glass behind her. She turns around to see Carla, Turk and J.D. Carla is smiling, J.D. is giving the thumbs up and Turk is pressing his face against the glass, making faces.)
Elliot: Frick!
(Cut to free clinic lobby)
J.D.: So this is where germs are born...
Elliot: I can not believe that you told these guys!
Turk: Elliot, she didn't. My patient told me that his clinic doctor was this blonde-haired woman who talked so fast and in such a high-pitched voice when she was upset her words eventually became gibberish.
Elliot: [voice becoming louder, faster and higher pitched] I really do not talk like that. I'm getting pretty tired of you guys constantly saying...[gibberish]
Carla: Elliot, sweetie, nobody but me can understand you.
Elliot: [high-pitched gibberish]
Carla: That's just Turk. You know that's how he is.
J.D.: You knew she worked here? I can't believe you kept a secret. Remember before your wedding when you sold me out to Turk?
Carla: J.D., you showed up drunk at my shower screaming through tears that I'd never be as emotionally connected to him as you are.
J.D.: Turk knew I was joking.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Because we're so emotionally connected.
Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
Elliot: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
Turk: [laughing] I'm not upset about that!
Carla: It's obvious you are.
J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby. I mean, Turk.
Elliot: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox and playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.
J.D.'s Thoughts: How do I not know about this game?
Elliot: At this clinic I get to practice medicine for people who really need me. I mean, honestly, I feel like I belong here.
Orderly: Dr. Kool just got stabbed in the parking lot and we're all out of gauze. Is it cool if I take lunch?
Elliot: [voice breaking] This place is crushing my soul.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
J.D.: Can you believe Elliot's working at a free clinic?
Dr. Cox: Who?
J.D.: Dr. Reid?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
Carla: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
Dr. Cox: J.D.?
J.D.: That's not even funny.
Dr. Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.
Carla: Whoa, whoa, you want to hear a weird coincidence? The pathology just came back on Dr. Kelso's rich patient. He has the same brain tumor as your guy, Mr. Morrison.
(Dr. Cox and J.D. exchange looks and take off running. Cut to ICU. J.D. and Dr. Cox enter, running.)
J.D.'s Narration: I don't know why we were running. Because I think we both knew that we couldn't change anything. Because given a choice between a rich guy and a poor guy, it was pretty obvious who Bob Kelso would put in the drug trial and who he'd leave behind.
(Mr. Franks' bed is empty. Mr. Morrison is still in the ICU. Cut to hospital entrance. J.D. Sits on the steps.)
J.D.'s Narration: Another banner day at Sacred Heart.
(Cut to free clinic. Elliot sits by herself, looking forlorn.)
J.D.'s Narration: A best friend stuck in crappy job...
(Cut to Mr. Morrison's room. Dr. Cox is checking on him.)
J.D.'s Narration: A nice guy slowly dying without a fighting chance...
(Cut back to J.D. on the steps. Dr. Kelso walks past in a suit.)
J.D.'s Narration: It's a wonder how anyone can walk out of this place with a smile on their face.
(Dr. Kelso reaches the bottom of the steps, takes a breath, smiles and walks away, whistling.)
Scene 3[]
Open: Hospital Admissions Area.
Carla: We have to help Elliot get her job back.
Turk: Honey, there's no money to hire another attending.
J.D.: Maybe though, Dr. Bailey was fired last night.
Carla: Why?
(Flashback. Exam room. Dr. Bailey is examining a female patient's chest with a pen light.)
Dr. Bailey: For this procedure, I'm going to have to numb you. "Num-num-num-num-num..."
(End flashback.)
Turk: You know, in Dr. Bailey's defense--
Carla: [interrupting] No, no, no, no, no.
J.D.: There have been times--
Carla: [interrupting] No.
(Cut to Elliot, Carla, J.D. and Turk at the bar.)
Carla: So anyways, we figure, if I offer to do the nursing schedules and these guys volunteer to do extra shifts at the clinic, Dr. Kelso might give you your job back.
Elliot: No, thanks.
Carla: Why?
(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Nurse's Station. Subtitle: "One Year Later." Carla dumps a large stack of paperwork in front of Elliot.)
Elliot: Carla, I can't do your paperwork, I am swamped.
Carla: I got you your job back.
(Cut to cafeteria. Subtitle: "Two Years Later.")
Elliot: Turk, I am not giving you my last tater tot!
Turk: I got you your job back.
(Cut to ICU. Subtitle: "Two And A Half Years Later.")
Elliot: J.D., I don't care if they're able to successfully attach one person's limbs on to another person's body, I am not giving you my hands.
J.D.: Job back.
(Cut to movie theater. J.D. has two hands (presumably Elliot's) protruding from his chest. They applaud while J.D. uses his own hands to wipe his eyes. Elliot tries to applaud with her stumps.)
J.D.: [crying] It's just a beautiful film. Beautiful. Corn?
(Elliot's hands feed J.D. popcorn while J.D. offers the tub to Elliot, who tries to take some with her stumps.)
J.D.: Oh, let me help you. I got it.
(Elliot's hands feed her some popcorn. J.D. laughs at the tickling sensation as Elliot licks her fingers)
J.D.: [laughing] You're tickling your hands. Wait, stop, you're tickling your hands.
Elliot: Buttery!
J.D.: OK, keep going, I enjoy it, actually.
(End fantasy. Cut back to the bar.)
J.D.: Ah, I'm only two and a half years away from chest hands.
Elliot: I have to handle this on my own, OK?
(Elliot exits. J.D. appears behind Turk, rubbing his Turk's chest as Turk holds a beer in each hand.)
J.D.: See? These are chest hands.
Turk: That's what I'm talking about.
J.D.: Course, yours would be brown.
(Cut to hospital hallway. J.D. is following Dr. Kelso.)
J.D.'s Narration: The next day started poorly. I only had eight hours until Kelso's awards dinner and someone else was boxing me out. (Dr. Cox enters in front of J.D.)
Dr. Cox: Hey, Bob, I need to talk to you about my drug trial patient.
(Dr. Kelso speeds up, exits the hospital and disappears around a corner.)
Dr. Cox: Ah, we lost him.
(J.D. goes back inside. Dr. Cox follows, but spots a mural on the wall.)
Dr. Cox: Bob? I can see you.
(Dr. Kelso is posing in front of a mural on which he is depicted and trying to blend into the mural.)
Dr. Cox: Oh, for God's sake, you're three-dimensional.
(Cut to Turk.)
Turk: It's true, Mr. Keck, you can probably get by without the surgery. But why would you? I'm the smartest, most skilled surgeon in this place.
Mr. Keck: Are you stuck in that candy machine?
(Cut to wider shot. Turk is sitting on the floor with his arm inside the vending machine.)
Turk: I paid for my Rolos, I'm getting my Rolos!
Mr. Keck: Mm-hmm.
(Mr. Keck exits. Carla enters.)
Carla: Nice! Why aren't you mocking him?
(J.D. reveals that his hand is stuck inside a coffee pot.)
J.D.: Dropped a quarter in here.
Carla: Guys, listen. We really need to help Elliot.
Turk: Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped.
Carla: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
Turk: That depends. What if there are hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him.
Carla: Let's say there's no women.
Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby.
Carla: Fine, he's in a pond.
J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond, they're infamous for serpents.
Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays. Men only.
J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
Carla: OK, fine! Turk's the one who's drowning.
Turk: Oh, so now a brother can't swim!
J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
Carla: Oh my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.
(Carla exits.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: She's the idiot. We're doctors.
(Cut to parking lot. Dr. Kelso is still standing in front of the mural. Dr. Cox grabs his arm.)
Dr. Cox: Bob, I'm physically touching your arm now. Oh, come on, I know you're here.
(Dr. Kelso stands up and pretends to notice Dr. Cox for the first time.)
Dr. Kelso: Oh, hi, Perry, what can I do for you?
(Cut to Mr. Morrison's room.)
Dr. Cox: Anyway, I just wanted to introduce you to our chief of medicine.
Mr. Morrison: Sir, I can't tell you how well everyone's treating me.
Dr. Kelso: That's what we're here for.
(Dr. Kelso goes exits, followed by Dr. Cox.)
Dr. Cox: You, uh, you forgot to tell him you were bumping him from the drug trial.
Dr. Kelso: I've got work to do, Perry.
Dr. Cox: You're not going anywhere.
(Dr. Cox grabs Dr. Kelso's shoulder to stop him. They stare each other down. Metallic thuds are heard as the camera focuses on each person.)
Dr. Kelso: Are you hearing that?
(Cut to parking lot. The noises turn out to be J.D. banging the coffee pot against the basketball hoop.)
J.D.: What kind of glass is this?
(He bangs the glass once more against the pole and it breaks. The plastic rim of the pot is still around his wrist.)
J.D.: Ow?
(Cut to ICU.)
Dr. Kelso: There was one spot open in the study. I gave it to the rich guy because with the money he's now donating, I can reopen the prenatal unit.
Dr. Cox: What really bothers me is that you can look in there at John Morrison, a guy that you essentially gave a death sentence to, and just not care.
Dr. Kelso: It's not my job to care, Perry.
(Dr. Kelso exits. Cut to Admissions Area. J.D. enters.)
J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?
Janitor: No, I'm busy cleaning.
(Everyone laughs)
Janitor: That one always kills.
J.D.: Do you remember earlier when I told you I'd never heard of Jiggly Ball? I was joking. I play all the time.
(J.D. goes to exit, but Janitor grabs the coffee pot handle around J.D.'s wrist.)
Janitor: I like this. It's an idiot handle.
J.D.: Get off.
Janitor: As it happens, we're heading out right now to play some Jiggly Ball. Are you in?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Just say no!
J.D.: Jiggle me in.
(Cut to parking lot.)
Janitor: All right, you're gonna go first. Please enter the Jiggly circle.
(Janitor directs him to a circle drawn on the pavement.)
Janitor: Everybody else, on my signal prepare to throw.
(Ted, Turk, Carla, Elliot and numerous other staffers rear back to throw tennis balls.)
J.D.: Throw?
Janitor: Now.
(Everyone pelts J.D. with many tennis balls until he falls over.)
Janitor: Now, anyone who caught a Jiggle rebound, may step up to the Death Line.
(Laverne, wearing an athletic outfit, steps up to a line drawn close to J.D.)
Laverne: I want you to think of this as a corn muffin.
(She pelts J.D. hard with a tennis ball.)
J.D.: Oh!
(Janitor crouches beside J.D.)
J.D.: There is no such thing as Jiggly Ball, is there?
Janitor: No.
(Cut to exam room. J.D. is shirtless and covered with welts from the tennis balls. Carla dabs them with lotion as J.D. winces)
J.D.: Guys, why?
Carla: The Janitor told us that if we pretended to know about Jiggly Ball, we'd get to throw tennis balls at you.
Turk: And I couldn't pass it up, dude!
Elliot: I got my shift covered!
J.D.: I could see where it would be funny from the outside of the circle.
(Ted runs in yelling as if to throw another tennis ball at J.D.)
Ted: YAAAAAHHHHH!!
J.D.: AAH!!
(Ted laughs.)
Ted: Hey, Kelso's leaving for his award thing, so if you want to talk to him about Dr. Reid, do it now.
(Ted exits.)
Elliot: I told you guys to leave it alone.
Carla: Would you stop being so proud?
Elliot: I'm proud? Carla, after the wedding you wouldn't even take Turk's name.
Carla: I use it for official things.
Elliot: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official.
Turk: But it is officially hot! [laughs]
Elliot: And Turk, you freaked out when the hernia patient listened to me over you, and J.D., you just let the entire hospital pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit you didn't know what Jiggly Ball was.
(J.D's fingers are wiggling.)
J.D.: I think there may be something wrong with my spine, because I'm not doing that.
Carla: Elliot, look, we just care about you.
Elliot: Yeah, well, don't worry about it. I'll get back on top on my own.
(Elliot exits. Dr. Kelso enters wearing a pinstriped suit.)
Dr. Kelso: Chop-chop, Dorian.
(Dr. Kelso exits. Cut to awards dinner. J.D. approaches the podium wearing a suit.)
J.D.'s Narration: Even though I had no clue what I was going to say, Elliot's attitude inspired me to introduce the hell out of Bob Kelso.
J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is...
(Dr. Kelso stands and pushes J.D. away from the podium.)
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Dr. Dorian. Thank you so much for this award. I'm delighted to see you all...
(J.D. sits down next to Dr. Cox.)
Dr. Cox: Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just -- he just likes it when people say his name. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.
J.D.'s Narration: Over the next few weeks, I couldn't help thinking about what I had planned to say in my speech. And about how pride defines who we are.
(Cut to free clinic.)
Orderly: This guy has an STD and he definitely doesn't want his wife to find out.
(Elliot opens the door to the exam room to see Dr. Kelso)
Dr. Kelso: Crap.
(Cut to Admissions Area.)
J.D.'s Narration: As far as Bob Kelso goes, I know some of the good things he does are for the wrong reasons.
Dr. Kelso: I'd like everyone to welcome back Dr. Reid.
(Dr. Kelso exits. J.D., Turk, Carla and Laverne applaud. Cut to parking lot. Pregnant women are lined up outside the baby-mobile.)
J.D.'s Narration: Still, I also know that I wouldn't want to have to make any of the decisions that he makes.
(Cut to Mr. Morrison's room, night time. Dr. Cox covers the deceased Mr. Morrison with a sheet. Dr. Kelso watches somberly from the window, then exits. Cut to hospital entrance. Dr. Kelso walks down the steps.)
J.D.: But when all is said and done, I like to think he does care a little.
(Dr. Kelso reaches the bottom step, still looking somber, until he notices J.D., Elliot, Turk and Carla walking towards him.)
J.D.'s Narration: Even if he's too proud to show it.
(Dr. Kelso composes himself and walks past them, whistling.)
CLOSING THEME