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8x1 Cox defibrillator

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Jerks".


Nurses' Station

Shot of JD walking down a hall.

JD: Ah! That's new.

Janitor: Oh yeah, my girlfriend gave me a watch. Do you give a crap, or are you just hoping that by pointing out something new of mine, I'll segue the conversation into talking about something new of yours, like... Your new prepubescent Miami Vice beard.

JD: There are those who say I look like a young Kenny Loggins.

Janitor: Who?

JD: Me.


Narration: Time to go teach the new interns. They started a week ago and they suck.

JD: This patient's loss of temperature sensation on the contralateral side is consistent with which syndrome, Rodney?

Narration: There was Katie, the self-centred climber.

Katie: *whispers* McConaughey's.

Rodney: McConaughey's.

JD: McConaughey is not a syndrome. He is however one of our finest working actors. I recently learned how I could lose him in ten days. Katie is sabotaging you I assume because she knows the answer.

Katie: Brown-Sequard syndrome.

JD: Yay, Katie got it...

Patient's Room

Narration: There was Denise, who could be a bit callous.

Denise: You know, ahah, it's ironic that cancer starts with 'can', because at this stage there's nothing we 'can' do about it.

JD: Let's take a walk sunshine.


Narration: And there was Ed.

JD: Ed, did you finish those case reports last night?

Ed: Arr! I totally was gonna do it man, but I was on this Lost fansite last night, talking to this chick - about an hour in I realize it's a dude, messing with me.

JD: I've been there.

Ed: Revenge time. I sign up for a new account, 'hotgirl99'. I start flirting with this dude, I'm like "Oh hey, I look just like Kate". And he's totally into it right. Next thing you know, I've got him to agree to a personal meet up, here in the hospital, where he'll be holding a red balloon.

Shot of nerd holding a red balloon in the waiting area.

JD: Wait a minute, you're hotgirl99?

Ed: Yeah.

JD walks off.


Elliot: New interns all suck.

JD: Yeah, but I'm gonna handle it.

Carla: Like you handled Jimmy, the overly touchy orderly?

Jimmy grabs JD from behind.

Jimmy: Arr! Somebody looking for me?

JD: No Jimmy, we're fine.

Jimmy: Alright, let me know if you need anything.

JD: OK. Have you noticed he only touches above the waist now? You're welcome.

Elliot: You know, our intern class was the last good one.

Keith: You must have liked my class a little, seeing as you almost married me.

Elliot: Yeah, but, hello Keith, I didn't! Hahaha.

Narration: That was harsh, but no-one cared, because today we were meeting Dr. Kelso's replacement as Chief of Medicine, Dr. Taylor Maddox. She was smoking hot, so first I had to see her like this.


Sexy slow-motion shot of Dr. Maddox entering the ICU.


Dr. Maddox: Hi!

Narration: But then I noticed how friendly she seemed. She had the most infectious smile - no-one could resist it. And I mean no-one.


Dr. Cox: No.

Dr. Maddox: Yes!

Dr. Cox: *trying to resist* Never!

Dr. Maddox: Here it comes!

Dr. Cox: Argh!

Dr. Cox picks up a defibrillator and places the electrodes on his head.

Dr. Maddox: Clear!

Dr. Cox falls to the floor. Dr. Maddox raises his unconscious, smiling face to the crowd.

The crowd claps.

JD: Brava!

Dr. Maddox: *triumphantly* Yes!


JD: *to Dr. Cox* You proud fool.

Dr. Maddox: OK, I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about me. One, I have an open door policy. Two, if you do your job well, you're great with me, OK. And three, I don't like spiders. So if you see one, I want you to stomp it. I want you to stomp it dead, OK. I don't want you to put it into a little cup, and take it outside, because it'll just find its way back in, OK, they're sneaky! Oh, can someone help that man to his room?

Shot of Ted sitting in a wheelchair covered by a blanket.

Ted: Oh, no, I, I'm not sick. Just cold, and there are no chairs. I'm, I'm a lawyer.

Dr. Maddox: Of course you are sweety!

JD: I'm on it.

JD wheels Ted away.

JD: *whispers* She's the new boss Ted.

JD accidentally bumps into a post, throwing Ted onto the floor.

Ted: Argh!

Jimmy approaches and begins feeling Ted.

Jimmy: Are you OK? Does it hurt here? Or here? How about here? Or under here?

Ted: Do I know you?

JD: Jimmy, heel!

Jimmy: Slowly move, slowly move, don't rush anything.

JD: Oh, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Breathe deep for me, real slow. I just wanna feel you breathe. Yeah, that's a boy, that's a boy, that's a boy. OK breathe on my face.



Narration: OK, time to connect with the new chief using a picture of my son and some brilliant acting.

Dr. Maddox: Ah, is that your boy?

JD: What's that? Oh, yeah. His name is Sam.

Dr. Maddox: I have a daughter of my own.

Narration: It's working! Now seal the deal with a follow up question. But nothing too personal.

JD: Did you deliver vaginally?

Dr. Maddox. I did.

JD: Big girl. Must've hurt.

Dr. Maddox: Wow.

Dr. Maddox walks off to meet a patient in a wheelchair.

Dr. Maddox: Hi, Mr. Hicks! So you were admitted to the hospital with shortness of breath?

Mr. Hicks: Yes, that's right.

Dr. Maddox: OK, so I'm just gonna *sharp inhale* die, die, die!

Dr. Maddox stamps repeatedly on the floor.

Dr. Maddox: Sorry, spider. Um, I'm just gonna take you up and get you a full body scan, OK?

Mr. Hicks: *shocked* Uh, yeah.

Dr. Maddox wheels Mr. Hicks off into a hall.

Dr. Cox: And there she goes.

Carla: A Chief of Medicine working one-on-one with a patient, maybe she's not so bad.

Dr. Cox: I think she probably a jerk.

Carla: Why?

Dr. Cox: That position attracts jerks. Plus, I know jerks. Hell, I married a jerk, I divorced a jerk.

JD: New freckle!

Dr. Cox: I'm interrupted by jerks. Look, just give me two minutes with this 'Maddox' and I'll know for sure whether or not she's a jerk.

Carla: Well, go!

Dr. Cox: Pass.

Shot of half a dozen men standing in the waiting area, Ted one of them, carrying red balloons.


Shot of interns standing around the bed of a patient.

JD: I know people are down on these new interns, but everyone's teachable, you know. Even Jo.

Turk: Who?

JD: I like to call Denise 'Jo' because she reminds me of that streetwise mannish girl on Facts of Life.

Turk: You know, Katie's cutesy and blonde, you could call her Blair.

JD: Blair is stupid.

JD walks towards the interns.

Narration: Blair is perfect. But now I can never use it in front of Turk or he'll say "Yawelcome!" in that really smug way of his.

JD: OK, let's gather round for rounds! Get it, 'round for rounds'. You can use it. Our first patient is presenting with biliary colic, and, er. Ed, would you mind, would you mind turning off the beeping if you're gonna text.

Ed: I'll turn it off.

JD: Thank you. Er, upper right abdominal pain. What's your diagnosis, Jo.

Katie: I know!

JD: Course you do Katie because you know anything that anyone's ever asked you ever, but I didn't ask you, I asked Jo.

Denise: Well, the patient definitely looks like hell, so...

JD: Quick side note - when a patient's eyes are open, that usually means that they're awake. Sorry Mrs. Gallagher, you look very beautiful today. Doesn't she?

Denise: Yeah, your jaundice makes you glow.

JD: Yes, yellow like the sun. Ed! Stop texting!

Ed: I'm not texting. I'm looking up photos of Sienna Miller's breasts. There's a difference.

JD: OK, well do that more later, when we're together. Jo, you were saying.

Denise: I'm guessing Mrs. Gallagher probably has coli-cys/

Katie: Coli-cystitis! She has coli-cystitis!

Denise: I'm gonna cut your throat.

JD: OK, that's enough Jo. You too Blair.

Turk appears behind the interns.

Turk: Welcome!

JD: Dammit!

Ed: If you want, you can call me Toody[?], I don't think it's racist.

JD: Oh, fine, "I'm Toody, and I know how to, go on the web, and bit torrent!".

Dr. Maddox: You probably shouldn't be texting while you're leading rounds.

JD: I'm, oh, I'm, this is his phone.

Ed: It's not my phone.

Narration: WTH!

JD: Oh fine, it's not your phone. Hey, wanna phone buddy?

JD passes the phone to The Janitor, who experiments with it briefly.

Janitor: No.

Dr. Maddox: Alright, listen, I want you to run some renal function tests on Mr. Hicks. Can you do that, or do you have more questions about my vagina?

Narration: Lie!

JD: No.

Dr. Maddox walks off. Katie chases after her.

Katie: Dr. Maddox, I just wanted to say how excited I am to be working with you.

Carla: Katie is such a kiss-ass.

Keith: You mean, mini-Elliot, hahaha. What? That's what everybody's calling her.

Elliot: It's probably just because we are both blonde, and have perky boobs!

Dr. Cox: Or! It's because she is incredibly whiny and self-involved. And you, Barboo, for the last year and a half or so have been the most self-involved and whiny person in the galaxy.

Elliot: What nobody understands about me...

Dr. Cox: Point proven. Thank you.

JD: OK...

Denise: Oh, suck-up's back.

Katie: You're abrasive.

JD: That's enough, Blair!

Turk: *from afar* Welcome!

JD: Dammit! OK, listen up guys. I gotta go take care of Mr. Hicks so I need you guys to watch the floor. Check every patient and switch out any lines that need changing. Monitor Mr. Lombardy's blood gas and intubate him if he starts getting acidotic. Work as a team, you'll be all over it. Let's have some hands in, OK!

The interns all put their hands in.

JD: Somebody has some very soft hands.

Ed: I sleep in gloves.

JD: Right on. OK, nobody die!

Interns: Nobody die!

Coffee Bucks

Ted walks up to Dr. Kelso carrying a red balloon.

Ted: Dr. Kelso? Now that you're retired I can finally say this. You sir... Ah I can't do it.

Dr. Kelso: You'll get there Ted.

Ted sits down.

Dr. Kelso: What's with the balloon?

Ted: It's been a sad day.

Elliot: Can you even believe Dr. Cox? Calling me whiny and self-involved?

Carla: Elliot, you know how we're so close we can say anything to each other, right?

Elliot: Yeah.

Carla: Look, over the last year or so, you've been going through a lot. You got engaged, you broke off your wedding at the last second. It'd be easy for anyone to become a little self-absorbed.

Elliot: What are you saying Carla?

Dr. Kelso: *smiling* This, is why I come here every day.

Ted: You come here every day? Loser!

Ted makes the shape of an L on his forehead.

Dr. Kelso pops Ted's balloon.

Ted: My balloon!

Nurses' Station

JD: Mr. Hicks' renal tests came back negative.

Dr. Maddox: Thank God. See Bernie isn't just a patient, he's also my lover.

JD looks over at Mr. Hicks.

JD: Really?

Dr. Maddox: No! He's fat, bald and ugly, thanks a lot!

Dr. Maddox punches JD in the shoulder.

JD: Argh!

Narration: OK, just swallow your pain and fix this.

JD: Look, Dr. Maddox, I think you're a very well-built, sturdy, woman.

Dr. Maddox: Like a shed.

JD: No, not like a shed. Like a, naughty...

Dr. Maddox: Like it.

JD: Structure...

Dr. Maddox: Structure?

JD: I should go.

JD walks off, and is tripped up by The Janitor and his mop.

JD: Ooh, argh!

Janitor: Stop confusing me by being nice and giving me phones.

JD: Fine! Why did you have to trip me?

Janitor: Let me answer that question with another question. Because I wanted to.

JD walks off.

Dr. Maddox: *clears throat* Excuse me. Do you think it would have been funny if you'd broken his neck?

Janitor: Haha... I feel like you want me to say no.

Dr. Maddox: What's your name?

Janitor: Oh boy, you really are new here, haha.

Dr. Maddox reaches for The Janitor's name tag.

Janitor: Uh-oh.

Dr. Maddox: The Janitor...

Janitor: Howdy.


Dr. Cox: Oh, say Beth, your patient Mr. Lombardy's about to crash.

JD: How'd that happen?

Dr. Cox: Well, sometimes when people get [?] and they're left untreated they become even bigger [?].

JD: *to the interns* Hey! You guys were supposed to tube him if he got acidotic, what the hell?

Ed: He's not my patient man.

Katie: Er, I was over there.

Dr. Cox: Now he's coding.

JD: *to the floor* Crash cart!

Narration: Sometimes just two words are enough to make your thoughts perfectly clear.

Coffee Bucks

Elliot: So you actually agree with what Dr. Cox said about me?

Narration: Whether you're being brutally honest.

Carla: I do.

Nurses' Station

Narration: Or holding someone accountable.

Dr. Maddox: You're fired.

Janitor: *holding up a small photo* What about my son?

Dr. Maddox: That's my daughter!

Dr. Maddox snatches the photo from his hands.

Janitor: I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. May I see it again? Please.

Dr. Maddox tentatively hands The Janitor the photo.

Janitor: Aarh. Tss!

The Janitor throws the photo away as if it were cursed.


Narration: Or apologizing for a major screw-up.

Katie: We're sorry.

Denise: Yeah, we'll, we'll get it together from now on.

Ed: Promise.

Narration: But for some reason, I didn't wanna hear it.

JD: You know what? I'm done with you guys.

JD turns and walks off.


JD: Hey C bear - every time I see Maddox, I get one step closer to ending my career.

Turk: Ah you'll be fine, Maddox seems cool.

Dr. Cox: I dunno about that. I, I just can't shake the feeling that that women is a complete tool.

JD: You've been saying that all day, why don't you just go talk to her and figure it out once and for all?

Dr. Cox: Nah...

Dr. Cox walks off.

Turk: Hey aren't you supposed to be at rounds?

JD: Ah they're driving me crazy, someone needs to send those 'interns' to an 'internment' camp.

Turk: Dude. Internment camps are never funny.

Narration: I always forget that Turk is one eighth Japanese.


Dr. Maddox: Hey, can you give Mr. Hicks a full cardiac workup?

Elliot: Of course.

Dr. Maddox: And what would you say if I said he was my lover?

Elliot: I'd know that obviously you were joking because you are way out of his league.

Dr. Maddox hugs Elliot.

Elliot: Oh there, there that is. We're doing this, OK.

Dr. Maddox: *whispers* I like you the best.

Dr. Maddox walks off.

Elliot: Thanks mum. Ma'am! Ma'am.

Carla: She's not your mum.

Elliot: Well she certainly doesn't think that I'm all about me.

Carla: I was just being honest! I'd want you to do the same for me if I were doing things I might regret later.

Elliot: Name one thing that I've done lately that I'm gonna regret.


Elliot and Carla are sitting by a bar downing shots.

Random off-screen guy: Hey blondie, show me your rack!

Carla: Nooo!

Elliot goes to lift up her top. A video camera held by the random guy is shown blocking the view of her breasts.


Elliot: Oh like that's gonna come back to haunt me.


Shot of random guy picking up a DVD titled 'Drunk Blondes' with topless Elliot on the cover.


Elliot: What else ya got?

Carla: Well what about the way you're always mocking Keith about not marrying him? You probably don't even realize how devastated he still is.

Keith: Oh hey ladies. Awesome day, huh! Awesome!

Keith walks off.

Elliot: *sarcastically* Ah, I hope he'll pull through.

Elsewhere in the ICU

Josephine leads a group of interns for rounds.

Josephine: And now, onto our next patient. Let's go bitches!

Dr. Cox: *to Colonel Doctor* Why is doctor squeaky pants leading rounds? Where the hell is Dorian!

Nurses' Station

Elliot: Keith is not still devastated. I mean what the hell is Carla talking about? She's just completely off base, right?

Turk: I have to disagree with you.

Elliot: You don't see my point at all?

Turk: *whispers* You don't understand, I'm married to Carla, right. She has spies everywhere. So I have to disagree with you.

Turk looks abruptly at a nurse sat behind the nurses' station. The nurse quickly looks away.

Turk: I'm onto you Rochelle.

Ted: Dr. Reid, may I talk to you?

Hall #1

Ted and Elliot are walking down the hall.

Elliot: Ted, are you gonna talk?

Ted: In a second, I'm just waiting for the anti-anxiety medication to kick in. And there it is. Hey baby.

Elliot: Yeah, Ted I'm actually in charge of keeping a lot of people alive/

Ted: Carla's right, Keith's a mess. He hasn't been able to pull out of it since you ended things. He's sad all the time.

Elliot: Yeah, I don't see it.

Ted: Course you don't. No-one ever wants the person who hurt them to ever see how badly they've been hurt.

Shot of Keith sitting in an empty room, head in hands. Ted and Elliot stand in the background.

Hall #2

Dr. Maddox walks past The Janitor, who is looking through the base of his screwdriver.

Dr. Maddox: Morning.

Janitor: Morning.

Narration: It's amazing how the exact same question can have totally different connotations.

Dr. Maddox reappears next to The Janitor.

Dr. Maddox: May I talk to you?

Keith's Room

Elliot: *to Keith* May I talk to you?

Hall #3

Dr. Cox grabs JD by the collar and presses him up against a wall.

Dr. Cox: May I talk to you?

Hall #2

Dr. Maddox: I have to ask, when I fired you before, did you think I was kidding?

Janitor: No, I knew you were serious because I heard that you fired Jimmy the orderly. What'd he do?


Shot of Jimmy the orderly massaging Dr. Maddox's face in the ICU.

Jimmy: OK, this is where you keep all of the tension. Do you mind if I do a Yogi[?] chant, it relaxes the muscles. Haa, maaneh maaneh mahaah ahaahaahaha! You feel that?

Dr. Maddox: Uh-huh...

Hall #1

Janitor: But that's just Jimmy being Jimmy. You know, the incident yesterday with Dr. Dorian, I swear to you that will never happen again. Even though he deserved it.

Dr. Maddox: I don't know...

Janitor: Come on! I've been here forever, you can't just throw me out of the hospital.

Dr. Maddox: No, but I can walk you out without you even noticing.

The Janitor realizes that he is standing on the ramp outside the hospital front entrance.

Janitor: Well played.

Dr. Maddox: I need your keys.

Janitor: Hm.

The Janitor retrieves a single key from his pocket.

Dr. Maddox: Where are the rest?

Janitor: I got tired of carrying them all so I made one that works on everything. Watch.

The Janitor starts up a nearby motorbike with the key and begins revving the engine.

Janitor: *smiling* Huh? How about that! Come on, hit the highway!

Dr. Maddox holds her hand out. The Janitor hands Dr. Maddox the key.

Dr. Maddox: Thank you.

Dr. Maddox walks back into the hospital. The Janitor tries to sneak back in behind her. She notices.

Dr. Maddox: No!

Keith's Room

Elliot: Keith? I just realized that I never really took the time to apologize for, the way things ended between us. I mean I did say that I was "so sorry" right when it happened, remember. We were outside, and I gave you the ring back, you started crying, and/

Keith: Uh-uh, no need to recap Elliot.

Elliot: Right. Look, I know this was my decision, so it was easier for me to move on and, well, you know, make jokes and stuff. I guess that I've been so self-involved I never stopped to think that you still may be hurting. Anyway I just wanted to really apologize... For everything.

Keith: Thanks. It means a lot.

Elliot: Hug?

Keith: No.

Elliot: Right.


JD and Dr. Cox are sitting at a table.

Dr. Cox: Why would you pass off your interns?

JD: I just, I can't deal with them anymore.

Dr. Cox: Really? Because I had an intern just a couple of years back that I hated. Honestly, he was so maddening that my therapist put me on a suicide slash homicide watch.

JD: Do I know this intern?

Dr. Cox: Intimately.

JD: I figured.

Dr. Cox: This is a teaching hospital. You have to teach.

JD: I know, I'm just, I'm, I'm so tired of their attitude, and I'm tired of their ignorance. It's the same thing year after year. I'm just... Tired.

Narration: Here comes the tongue-lashing.

Dr. Cox: Boy I get that. Why you think I've been avoiding the new Chief? Because if I do talk to her and she is indeed a jerk then once again I'm gonna have to be 'that guy' who gets in her face over every little injustice. And you wanna know something? I'm tired too.

JD: So what do we do?

Dr. Cox: I don't know.

Narration: Oh my God he's treating you like an equal. Quick, do something equals do!

JD picks up Dr. Cox's cup of coffee with both hands and takes a sip.

Dr. Cox: Why would you do that?

JD: I don't know, I thought equals shared coffee?

Dr. Cox: No.

JD: So this intern that you mentioned earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty amazing doctor, didn't he?

Dr. Cox: It actually was a she.

JD: It wasn't me?

Dr. Cox: No no. It was you. It was you.

JD reaches for Dr. Cox's coffee again.

Dr. Cox: Bad.

JD: We'll get there.


Dr. Maddox: *to Mr. Hicks* OK, you get nice and comfy.

Shot of Ted banging the top of his briefcase.

Ted: Dr. Reid gave me Mr. Hicks' test results but they're locked in my briefcase and I lost the key.

Dr. Maddox: Allow me.

Dr. Maddox draws The Janitor's special key from her pocket and opens Ted's briefcase.

Dr. Maddox: Mm, loving this thing!

Ted retrieves the test results from his briefcase.

Ted: And, here it is.

Dr. Maddox: Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?

Ted: Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad.

Dr. Maddox: Well, see ya tomorrow.

Ted: We'll see.

Ted walks off.

Dr. Cox approaches and snatches the test results from Dr. Maddox's hands.

Dr. Cox: Ah. Oh, Mr. Hicks' cardiac test results. They're negative? What d'ya know about that, just like the one hundred other tests we ordered for a man whose only complaint was "shortness of breath".

Dr. Maddox: I assume there's a nugget of a point buried in there.

Dr. Cox: Why you running that guy through the ringer?

Dr. Maddox: Because he's got awesome insurance! He's a hundred percent pure profit machine. Ker, and might I add, ching! I mean, I may even order a MRI to see if he's actually stuffed with money, ha. In fact, I think I'm ordering one. And since you cried about it why don't you take him to radiology like a good little boy?

Dr. Maddox walks off.

Narration: Sometimes it really sucks to do the right thing.

Nurses' Station

Elliot: You were right about me. And thanks.

Carla: Don't mention it.

Elliot: Love you.

Carla: Love you too.


Narration: Trying to teach a bunch of jerks.

JD: *to interns* OK, when dealing with peripheral neuropathy, always think...

JD snatches Ed's phone from his hands and tosses it away.

JD: Diabetes first.

Hall #4

Narration: Or once again, facing off with a jerk.

Dr. Cox: Look, you can't just bleed a guy's insurance dry just because you wanna pay for a new X-ray machine.

Dr. Maddox: Oh, will you shut up if I give you a key that opens everything?

Dr. Cox: *sighs*

Arrival at Nurses' Station

Carla: The more things change the more they stay the same, huh?

New Janitor: Hi folks! If you need anything cleaned up, just give me a shot, OK?

JD: Sure. *to Carla* Who the hell is that?

Carla: I don't know.

JD: I like him!



JD: Interns, alright! You guys psyched, it's our eighth year, who's with me?

Elliot: *half-heartedly* Yaaay.

JD: Come on, I know it's tempting to just mail it in, but there's still a lot of people who rely on us week to week. I think we owe it to them to be as inspired as we were in our first few years. Now I know we never do great come medical awards season, except for Dr. Shalhoub, he wins everything, but I still think we're as good as anybody else out there.

Turk: The Nielsens certainly beg to differ.

JD: Oh they're just upset because their insurance won't cover a private room.



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