Scene 1 Edit
Open: Hotel parking lot. A valet drives a Porsche convertible to the front door.
J.D.'s Narration: Since my apartment's roof collapsed, I was living in a hotel. But that's not the only thing that's changed around here.
(J.D. slides down the railing on the hotel's front steps and falls off the end. He picks himself up as the valet tosses him the keys to the Porsche. Cut to J.D. driving the Porsche, wearing sunglasses and leather driving gloves.)
J.D.'s Narration: Now that I'm an attending, I'm a licensed bad-ass. Elliot actually works at a different hospital. She's trying to lay low the first couple of weeks.
(Cut to Elliot walking past a group of doctors in front of her hospital. She trips over her high heels and falls)
J.D.'s Narration: And Turk and Carla are trying to make a baby.
(Cut to Turk & Carla's apartment. Carla enters hurriedly with a sandwich. She hands it to Turk, who looks confused.)
Carla: Here you go, baby. I know you love foreplay, but I only have five minutes, so I made you a sandwich.
(She jumps onto the bed and begins to take off her bathrobe. Turk stands, looking at the sandwich.)
Turk: That's the sexiest thing I've ever seen.
Carla: Over here, Turk.
Turk: My bad, baby.
(Cut back to J.D. sitting in the Porsche. The owner of the Porsche approaches, out of breath.)
J.D.'s Narration: Yep, life was pretty different.
Porsche Owner: Hey! You took my Porsche from the valet?
J.D.'s Thoughts: This didn't feel like my scooter.
(Cut to J.D. outside the Porsche, running a finger across the hood. Porsche Owner slaps his hand.)
J.D.: Ow! Look, no harm done. Here's your driving glasses, here's your driving scarf, and here are you driving gloves.
(Porsche owner glares at him.)
J.D.: Fine, here's your driving sock.
(J.D. pulls a tube sock from the front of his pants and hands it to Porsche Owner.)
J.D.'s Narration: I didn't care, because now that I'm and attending, I had picked out a whole new look.
(Cut to the Hospital Admissions area. Dr. Cox is looking at a chart. Camera zooms out to reveal J.D. standing next to him dressed identically and mimicking Dr. Cox's actions.)
J.D.: Morning, colleague!
Dr. Cox: Oh, absolutely not.
J.D.: Ooh, what, tall, dark and scary? I can wear whatever the hell I--What are you doing?
(Dr. Cox makes a flashing-light signal with his hand)
Dr Cox: This is my new, imaginary warning light. Whenever it starts blinking, a situation has ten seconds to resolve itself before I flash white with rage and kill someone. [singing] One, two, three, four...
(J.D. disappears at high speed, scene cuts and reopens with Dr. Cox finishing his count as J.D. reappears, dressed in scrubs, with his old t-shirt wrapped around his head.)
Dr. Cox: ...seven, eight, nine and ten.
J.D.: I had a little trouble getting my Baby Gap t-shirt off.
Dr. Cox: It'll happen.
(Dr. Cox exits, bumping J.D.'s shoulder. Janitor enters)
J.D.: (to himself) Ow.
(Janitor enters behind J.D. and pulls the shirt off of J.D.'s head)
J.D.: Whoooaaaaahhhh! OK, you know, I'm gonna--I'm gonna go with 'ow.'
Janitor: How depressing is it being you? I mean seriously, would you equate it more with being a lifelong Cub fan or to, say, being born without lips?
J.D.: Born without lips.
Janitor: I know a guy. His house just burned down.
J.D.: How sad.
Janitor: Well, he was smoking in bed. He shouldn't have smoked. Because he looked ridiculous.
(Janitor mimes a person without lips puffing a cigarette.)
Janitor: [whispering] I have a snake face.
J.D.: Listen, today, if you bother me, could you do it without being around me? Because I have new interns starting today. Can you imagine what it's like to see this place through their eyes for the first time?
(Cut to a first-person perspective shot stepping off of a bus at the Hospital Entrance. The camera looks up at the hospital, then around at several passersby. Todd approaches the camera.)
Todd: There's something on your shirt, kid.
(Todd pinches the wearer's shirt, the camera looks down and then Todd pokes the camera lens.)
Todd: Ah ha ha! Classic.
Camera: (nervous laugh)
(Camera approaches the steps and looks down at a woman's legs, then looks up to reveal Jordan.)
Jordan: Sparky! It's five dollars a minute to stare in public. It's free in private. Rrrrrr.
(Camera turns around and bumps into the doors, then enters, passing Dr. Kelso, Ted and Laverne in the hallway.)
Dr. Kelso: You're gonna love it here, sport!
Ted: Get out while you still can!
Ted: [Darkly] Seriously, get out while you still can.
(Camera enters Admissions Area)
Laverne: Junior, have you seen Johnny? You know, the Alzheimer's patient who likes to tackle people?
Camera: Mmmm, mm-mm.
(Camera shakes side to side to indicate "no.")
Laverne: Has anyone seen Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient?
(Camera approaches J.D.)
J.D.: Hey! You must be Keith. Don't look so nervous, buddy, I got your back.
(Johnny comes in from offscreen and tackles J.D.)
Johnny: WHO AM I?!
Laverne: I found him.
Scene 2 Edit
Open: Keith's P.O.V. in the ICU, looking at J.D.
J.D.: Someone's close enough for a hair-mussing! Digga-digga-digga-ha!
Keith: (nervous laugh)
(J.D reaches above the camera to muss up Keith's hair. Bangs cover the lens)
J.D.: Dynamite bangs. Hey guys, follow me. Listen, if you're having trouble finding a vein for an IV, please don't page me. If you're desperate, you're lucky. This is a city hospital, there are plenty of heroin addicts around who are quite adept at this. Did you find a vein there, Reverend Mayhem?
Heroin Addict: No problem.
J.D.: OK, good work, buddy, stay in school.
(Heroin Addict exits with a pat on the back from J.D.)
J.D.: Mr. Kellerman, how're ya feeling?
Mr. Kellerman: Uhhnnn, not great.
J.D.: Well, that's probably why you're here! Ha! Humor is a great ice-breaker for patients, OK? Follow me. Mr. Kellerman has congestive heart failure. OK, Lisa, I want you to start him on diuretics, OK? That way we'll loosen up some of the fluid around his lungs. The good news is, he'll go home tomorrow. Bad news is if he's not here he won't move up on the heart transplant list. See, in medicine there are lots of Catch 22's, a phrase made famous, I believe, by an old fisherman, who would stay out fishing until he caught how many fish? Anybody? That's right, 22. See, in 1492, Columbus--
Dr. Cox: [Interrupting] Newbie! If you loved the sound of your very own voice any more, you'd probably just sit in a little room all day and sing to yourself.
J.D.: (to Keith) Oh, you guys can skedaddle.
(Keith turns to leave with the rest of the interns and bumps into Dr. Kelso)
Dr. Kelso: Booga-booga!
Keith: Ahh! Uhh..
(Leave Keith's P.O.V. and return to 3rd person. Dr. Kelso addresses J.D. and Dr. Cox)
Dr. Kelso: Heh-heh-heh..I love interns! Gentlemen, a reminder, as attendings you are expected to turn in your insurance paperwork and your required urine sample by tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Bob, I'm not planning on doing any paperwork. But I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver's side car door.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, your lips, my ass, they should meet. Dorian, after four years, I can only hope that you are no longer following in his footsteps.
J.D.: I turned in my paperwork already, but I'm gonna wait till tomorrow to turn in my urine sample out of respect for the fellows in the lab. (whispering) There's an asparagus issue.
Dr. Kelso: Now there's an answer that warrants a half-sincere pat on the shoulder.
(Dr. Kelso pats J.D. on the shoulder and exits)
J.D.: Thanks, Dr. Kelso! You know he said half-sincere, but I think he was full-sincere. Feel my shoulder, it's still warm.
Dr. Cox: Lindsay, by you reaching the level of attending physician, you've somehow managed to become a member of club that *I* belong to. Obviously, there was no vote, because if there had been, you would still hear the sound of my voice screaming 'nay, nay, oh dear God, one thousand times nay!' That being said, it's my obligation to let you in on the organization's one and only bylaw: We're men.
J.D.: Yes we are.
Dr. Cox: The women are men, the children are men, the men of course...*MEN.* So, I went ahead and took the liberty of making you five man cards.
(He gives J.D. five notecards with the word "MAN" on them.)
Dr. Cox: Hold them very dear because every time you drop the ball "manwise," I'm going to take one from you.
J.D.: I don't need your approval, or your stupid man cards! Although the lettering is darling, have you ever done calligraphy?
Dr. Cox: Thank you.
(Dr. Cox snatches back one of the man cards and exits.)
(Cut to movie theater box office. Turk enters stumbling and sweating, wearing an obviously very heavy backpack.)
J.D.'s Narration: That night, since we were low on cash, Turk snuck me into the movies.
(Turk knocks on the glass and talks in a very strained voice.)
Turk: One please.
(Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment, nighttime. Turk & J.D. sneak in the front door)
J.D.'s Narration: Afterwards, we talked about my living arrangements.
J.D.: (whispering) Are you sure about this?
Turk: (whispering) You shouldn't stay in a hotel, so why don't you just stay here until you find a place?
J.D.: Carla was pretty psyched to get rid of me. Are you gonna tell her?
Turk: I don't know, what do you think?
(Bedroom door opens and Carla enters)
Carla: Turk? Is that you?
(A zipper is heard and Turk is again wearing the backpack and grimacing.)
Turk: Yes, I'll be right in, baby.
Carla: Mmm, OK.
(Carla exits. Turk puts the backpack down on a table and opens it. J.D. is crammed inside, and only his head forearm and foot are visible. He gasps for breath.)
J.D.: Dude, you left your gym shorts in here!
Turk: Look. I gotta sex her up. I'll be back as quick as I can. So I'll be 'bout an hour and half. Heh heh.
J.D.: W-w-w-wait! Could you quickly scratch my nose? Ah. Oooh. Okay. Okay.
(Turk scratches J.D.'s nose as his foot wiggles, then closes the backpack.)
J.D.: Don't zip me--UP. NO! W- B- Get D- Turk! Turk! Whoa, Whooooaaa!
(J.D. Thrashes around in the backpack and falls off the table.)
(Cut to the cafeteria. Turk and Carla are kissing as Elliot looks on, slightly grossed out.)
Elliot: I'm a little sick of the Turks!
Omar: Excuse me?
Elliot: No, not you, Omar, I love your people. I'm talking about their lovey-dovey crap.
Carla: Oh, babe, I borrowed your backpack this morning and all my change fell out the bottom.
(J.D. enters and sits down.)
J.D.: Maybe someone or something had to gnaw a hole in it to keep from suffocating.
Turk: And maybe someone already apologized for that about a hundred times.
J.D.: Well maybe a hundred wasn't enough, I don't know!
(Dr. Cox enters and snatches a man card from J.D.'s pocket and hits him in the face with it)
Dr. Cox: Absolutely no lover's quarrels!
(Dr. Cox exits)
Turk: Elliot, by the way, what are you doing here?
Carla: Oh, she hasn't talked to anyone at her new hospital yet.
Elliot: How did this conversation become about me?
J.D.: The Turks are sneaky.
(Turk and Carla give him and exasperated look)
J.D.: Not you guys, I think Omar took my pudding.
J.D.: Hey Keith! Can I get your pudding?
(Change to Keith's POV. He grabs his pudding and throws it across the room to J.D.)
Carla: Elliot, you should be excited about meeting people over there. You could totally reinvent yourself.
Elliot: You're right! I am gonna tell them that I am the most perfect doctor ever, who never needs anyone's help with anything! Ha!
Turk: That'll end well. Dude!
J.D.: (in Turkish) That's my pudding, Omar!
(J.D. slaps Omar's hand away as he tries to steal J.D.'s pudding again.)
J.D.: Huh. This guy's unbelievable.
(Cut to ICU, Kieth's POV as he looks at a legal pad, where he has written: "To Do List: Find courage to talk.")
J.D.: OK, guys, for some reason Mr. Kellerman's fluid situation isn't getting any better. I think we should be more aggressive. Keith? Why don't you go get a Lasix drip.
(Keith nervously stutters as he walks off)
J.D.: Other way, Keith!
(Camera changes to 3rd person)
J.D.: Uh, Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be healthy or unhealthy. Never "bangin' double-D's."
Jason: There's so much paperwork. My dad was a veterinarian and he never had to do any. Sometimes I wish this place were more like a horse hospital.
(J.D.'s Fantasy: ICU ward, all the doctors are carrying shotguns. J.D. ambles over to a bed whose patient is wearing a leg cast and in traction. J.D. has a shotgun slung over his shoulder)
J.D.: I'm sorry, Mr. Larson, but I do not like the look of that leg.
(J.D. takes aim at the patient and cocks the gun. A shotgun blast snaps J.D. back to reality.)
J.D.: We would have better hours. All right, gang, get out of here. Hey, everybody? Great work today.
(J.D. gives a cheesy smile and thumbs up just as Janitor snaps a picture of him from across the room.)
Janitor: (to himself) How do you bother someone without being around them? That is the question.
(Janitor walks into a room and closes the door, which is labeled "COPY ROOM." The noises of a photocopier, scissors cutting and tape ripping are heard and Janitor emerges seconds later with a life-size cardboard cut out of J.D. in the picture he just took. Dr. Kelso passes by)
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, I'm paying you to work, not stand around acting like The Fonz.
(Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment, bathroom. J.D. is brushing his teeth.)
J.D.'s Narration: Being Turk's secret roommate was going great. Until now.
(Carla knocks on the door.)
Carla: Turk? I'm leaving for work.
J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, you've been working on your Turk impression since college. Time to shine!
J.D. (in Turk's voice): Baby I'll be thinking about your lovelies and whatnot until the second I see you. But right now, I'm doin' my business.
Carla: Don't forget to use the Glade!
(Carla exits. Turk emerges from a hiding place)
Turk: Dude! That's the best that's ever sounded!
J.D.: I thought she was gone.
Turk: Nah, she came back for a quickie. All this baby stuff, man, I feel like she rushed me into it. To tell you the truth I'm not even sure I'm ready.
J.D.: Well, you better get ready. She's been off the pill for like a week.
Turk: [sheepish laugh]
J.D.: What have you done?
(Flashback scene. Turk and Carla are in bed. Carla is asleep. Turk holds a pill over Carla's mouth and drops it in. Carla chokes, then coughs and swallows while Turk pretends to be asleep.)
Turk: Think she'll be mad?
(Cut to Elliot's hospital. She is filling up a cup of coffee, but the machine continues to pour out coffee after the cup is filled. She is hastily replacing the cups, one after another to keep from spilling it.)
Doctor #1: Doctor Reid? You need some help?
Elliot: Eh-heh. I don't need anyone's help, thank you.
Elliot: (shrilly, to the coffee machine) Stop running!
Doctor #2: Doctor? Do you know where the Foley caths are?
Elliot: Sir, I know where everything is, ha ha. I'll be right back.
(The coffee machine is still running)
Elliot: (shrilly, to coffee machine) Stupid coffee robot! Frick!
(Elliot exits, carrying three cups of coffee. Fast motion scene of Elliot leaving her hospital and driving to Sacred Heart, walking down the hall to the supply closet. Cut to Keith's POV in the closet as Elliot walks in.)
Elliot: (out of breath) Don't sweat it, kid. I used to hide here when I worked at this place. I'm in a fellowship now. Um, Foley cath, please. Thanks.
(Keith hands her a package and she departs. Fast-motion scene of Elliot returning to her hospital, almost slipping in the river of coffee now filling the hallway, and delivering the package.)
Doctor #2: Thanks. Could you also grab a number six needle?
Elliot: Ohhh. (to herself) Frick, fricky, frick, frick!
(Cut to hospital exterior. Janitor has placed his J.D. statue outside a window and has placed a stethoscope on it.)
Janitor: Nice ass, grandma!
(Janitor ducks out of sight. An elderly lady in a hospital gown turns around, sees the statue and screams as J.D. walks by the door to the room.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: That screaming patient would have to wait. I had bigger problems.
(Switch to Keith's POV)
J.D.: Hey, Keith! I just called upstairs to see how Mr. Kellerman was doing. And get this, the nurse told me you never even started him on a Lasix drip. And Lisa! Imagine my surprise when she told me you never even increased his diuretic in the first place! I'm forced to ask, are you people trained killers? Say something, Keith.
(Keith looks at his legal pad with his "To Do List")
Jason: Dr. Dorian? If he gets bad enough that we have to put him on inotropes, he'll jump to the top of the transplant list and then he'll get a new heart.
J.D.'s Thoughts: They're messing up on purpose?
J.D.: Who told you guys to do this?
J.D.'s Narration: There's a lot of ways to get caught.
(Admissions Area, Turk feeds Carla a brownie)
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes you get caught because you couldn't slip your wife her pill last night, so you had to feed her one of your special, homemade brownies.
Carla: What's that?
(Carla puts a pill on the counter in front of Turk.)
Turk: Oh that--that's a tiny marshmallow with writing on it.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, if you don't panic, you can get away with it.
(Cut to supply closet. Elliot has a full armload of medical supplies. The door opens and Elliot starts.)
Elliot: Just..doing some inventory...sir. Heh heh.
Dr. Kelso: That's why I'm glad you work here, sweetheart.
(Cut back to Keith's POV. J.D. is waving some papers in front of Keith.)
J.D.: Come on, guys. Who put you up to this?
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I caught my culprit because he made the classic mistake of returning to the scene of the crime. And all because I, too, had been eating Turk's special, homemade brownies.
Dr. Cox: Angie, my buddy down in the lab just told me that your urinalysis came back positive for...the birth control pill. So. I will be taking one of these. Thank you!
(Dr. Cox takes another of J.D.'s man cards, then exits)
J.D.'s Thoughts: Dammit.
Scene 3 Edit
Open: Cafeteria, Keith's POV. Keith is staring at his shoes, stuttering nervously.)
J.D.: Keith, look at me.
(Keith looks up. Dr. Cox is standing behind J.D., making violent gestures behind J.D.'s back.)
J.D.: Did he specifically tell you to disregard my orders?
(Keith continues stuttering nervously until J.D. turns around and Dr. Cox abruptly stops making gestures.)
Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell. I was doing this and mouthing "I'll kill you" which I will, if you don't get out of here. Go on, get.
(Keith leaves quickly into the hallway, breathing quickly. He sees an elderly man with an oxygen mask. He reaches for it, but Ted, sitting next to the man, grabs it first and begins breathing from it.)
Ted: Hey, I saw it first. Long day.
(Cut to Cafeteria, 3rd person)
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I did tell them to ignore you and let Mr. Kellerman get worse, and you want to know know something? I'd do it again.
(Dr. Cox and J.D. exit. Turk comes to sit at Carla's and Elliot's table.)
Carla: Bye, Elliot.
(Carla gets up to leave.)
Turk: Look, I know I agreed to have a baby, but you were offering sex at the time. I would have agreed to anything!
(She angrily picks up the fork from Turk's tray and points it at Turk's heart.)
Elliot: Carla, no.
(Carla drops the fork and takes Turk's milk carton. Turk sits.)
Turk: NOO! She knows I can't eat without my strawberry milk. You should have just let her fork me!
Elliot: I think that's how you got into trouble the first place. Whazzuup!
(Todd high fives her from the next table.)
Todd: Euphemism five!
Elliot: His vocabulary has gotten so much better!
Turk: Elliot, why are you here?
Elliot: Oh. I have to make Kelso think I still work here so he doesn't have me arrested for stealing medical supplies. By the by, what would you have done if you couldn't give Carla the pill?
Turk: I could have faked it.
Elliot: Guys can't fake it.
Turk: Really? Does this sound familiar? Oh! Oh, baby! We're goin' all night, no wait don't move! Sorry.
Elliot: (voice breaking) Way too familiar.
(Cut to ICU, night time. Dr. Cox is signing some paperwork for a nurse.) J.D.: Hey!
Dr. Cox: (to nurse) Thank you.
J.D.: You know what I've been doing? I mean, besides listening to my Alanis Morissette CD to get me pumped up to talk to you? Here.
(He hands a "man card" to Dr. Cox)
Dr. Cox: Yup.
J.D.: I've been thinking about how completely ridiculous it is that you would take Mr. Kellerman's life into your hands without talking to him.
Dr. Cox: I did talk to him.
Mr. Kellerman: He did.
Dr. Cox: Patients who stay low on the heart transplant list die while waiting for one. This way he moves up to the top of the list. Come on!
J.D.: Then why didn't you tell me?
Dr. Cox: Because you're an attending now. And that doesn't just mean a fat bank account, expensive new toys and a fancy lawyer on retainer for when you kill a prostitute. From now on, the buck stops with you, and I know that you have occasionally bent the rules in this dump over the last couple of years, but you only did it because you knew when the crap started raining down it was damn sure gonna fall on my head. But now, the only way for you to stay out of the trouble storm is to go by the book and I've got news for you on that front. By-the-book attendings kill us up here. Newbie, I couldn't tell you about Kellerman because I don't know what kind of attending you're going to be.
J.D.: Allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity to prove myself. You know what? This is my last one, here.
(He pulls out his last "man card" and throws it at Dr. Cox.)
J.D.: Take it! Whatever happens to this poor guy is on you.
(J.D. exits. Cut to Turk and Carla's apartment. Turk kisses Rowdy on his head. Carla and Elliot are glaring at him. J.D. tries to sneak out the front door.)
J.D.:'s Narration: The next morning was not good. Carla was not talking to Turk. Elliot had dropped by to help not talk to Turk, and I was sneaking out in my undies because my clothes were downstairs in the dryer.
J.D.: Morning, friends! Who's ready for some java?
Carla: Are you wearing boxers?
J.D.: Yes, I am, Carla, because I know when Turk's sad, he likes me to come over in my boxers because he likes to call me his Honky Adonis, and that's what friends do.
(Elliot and Carla look at each other and shrug.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: They bought it? Are we that gay?
Turk: What's that?
J.D.: Oh, it's my new driving sock.
(He pulls out a sock from his boxers.)
J.D.: You can borrow.
Turk: Actually, J.D.'s been living here secretly.
J.D.: Turk, why?
Turk: Because I gotta get those damn judgmental eyes off me!
J.D.: (In Turk's voice) J.D. didn't want to live here, I begged him.
Carla: Is that true?
Turk: I didn't say that, J.D. can do my voice.
Elliot: Hey, it's getting good!
J.D.: Oh thank you, oh, I lost it.
Carla: Oh, you three are ridiculous.
Elliot: Hey! Pff. I'm just here to grab a ride to work.
Carla: At a hospital where you don't actually work! And you...?
Turk: How am I supposed to tell you I'm not ready to have a baby when you're so excited?
Carla: And you, secretly moving back in here? Now I really don't love being den mother to you three...
(Elliot, J.D. and Turk give her skeptical looks)
Carla: ...fine, it's like crack to me. Still, let me ask you something. Why ar you three so afraid of moving on?!
(Carla exits. J.D. picks up a tray of brownies and eats one.)
Turk: Dude, you're still eating those brownies.
J.D.: I don't wanna get pregnant! Shoot.
(Cut to ICU. Mr. Kellerman is being rolled out on a gurney.)
Dr. Kelso: So you're going to the university for a transplant! Well, come back and see us, okay?
(Once Mr. Kellerman is out of earshot...)
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell is responsible for not treating that man?
Dr. Cox: Well, Bobbo, I was going to treat him, but I lost my stethoscope...
J.D.: [interrupting] He's my patient, Bob. I'm responsible.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, I've kept my mouth shut about all the recent sexual harassment complaints because I don't think it's fair to punish a man for making small talk, or say, asking his secretary just once to dress up as a geisha girl and call him Kelso-san.
Dr. Kelso: Nothing. But now I need to know: is this the type of attending you're going to be?
J.D.: I guess so.
Dr. Kelso: Anything else?
J.D.'s Thoughts: I could tell him there's nothing in my cup and I'm just pretending to drink to seem non-chalant...
J.D.'s Thoughts: But instead, I was thinking about what Carla said about moving on. And I wasn't the only one.
(J.D. exits as Elliot approaches Dr. Kelso)
Dr. Kelso: Well, at least there's one attending around here I can count on.
Elliot: Ah, the hell with it, Bob, I don't work here. Have a good one!
(She dumps a chart into his hands and exits.)
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob.
(Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso exit)
(Cut to toilet flushing in Turk's and Carla's apartment. Carla exits the bathroom holding an empty pill bottle. Turk is on the couch.)
Carla: That's it. All of my birth control pills are gone.
Turk: Not exactly. That Fig Newton you're about to eat is not only fat free, but it's baby free.
(She spits out the Fig Newton she just bit into.)
Carla: I just don't get it, Turk.
Turk: Look, we've had sex twenty times in eight days and I bet it's because you sense my hesitance.
Carla: I just want a baby so badly.
Turk: Why? What's it gonna be like having a baby?
Carla: Dr. Cox says it's like having a dog that slowly learns how to talk.
Carla: Right? And I come from a big family and I love that.
Turk: Me too.
Carla: And every time we sit at the kitchen table I feel like someone's missing.
Turk: I can see him.
(They lean in to kiss as J.D. sneaks past wearing only briefs and a backpack. Carla notices.)
J.D.: Gotta make a quick two-sie.
(Cut to the Cafeteria. Janitor is there with seven life-size cardboard cutouts of J.D. striking various cheesy/embarassing poses. J.D. enters.)
J.D.: This explains a lot.
Janitor: Hey! Meet your volleyball team. They're terrible.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I heard your voice.
(Dr. Cox does a double take as he spots the numerous J.D.'s. Janitor points the real J.D. out among the fakes.)
J.D.: Thanks for nothing, assface.
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and give you back one of these man-cards. You deserve it.
J.D.: Wow. Wanna hug?
(Dr. Cox takes it back and tears it up)
Dr. Cox: You held onto it as long as you could, didn't you?
J.D.: I'm gonna have a good year, aren't I?
Dr. Cox: Anything can happen.
J.D.'s Narration: And I knew he was right.
(Janitor moves one of the fake J.D.'s up behind him.)
Janitor: Excuse me.
(He pushes the fake away and runs away.)
J.D.'s Narration: For all of us.
(Cut to Elliot's hospital. She knocks over a vase as she approaches a group of doctors having lunch.)
Doctor #1: Dr. Reid, are you joining us for lunch today?
Elliot: Ah. Anyone want half a turkey cheese sandwich?
(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment bedroom. Turk and Carla are in bed, holding hands.)
Turk: Repeat after me: Boy, boy, boy. Very tall boy!
Carla: Boy, boy, boy, very tall boy.
Turk: Boy, boy...
Carla: Tall boy...
Turk: Very tall...
(Cut to hospital entrance, Keith's POV as he exits the hospital.)
J.D.: Goodnight, Keith. Hey, keep your head up. You're doing a good job.
Keith: Thanks for everything, Dr. Dorian.
(Keith looks at his "To Do List" and puts a check mark in the box next to "find courage to talk" as he boards the bus. He turns to see J.D. waving from the door as he is tackled by Johnny the tackling Alzheimer's patient.)
Johnny: WHO AM I??