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My Hypocritical Oath transcript

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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Hypocritical Oath".


I.C.U./HALL Dr. Cox is rushing through with a cup of coffee.

J.D.'s Narration: Even though it can be tough around here, sometimes God gives you little gifts to get you through the day.

Cox slips on a slippery spot on the floor (made worse by the mop and bucket parked nearby) and takes a tumble. He sighs and gets up, heading to the supply closet. Inside, the Janitor is glued to a portable DVD player.

Dr. Cox: You're gonna wanna grab a mop--

Janitor: Shush. Watching 'The Sixth Sense'.

Dr. Cox: There's a mess in the hallway.

Janitor: This kid sees dead people.

Dr. Cox: That film is at least five years old.

Janitor: So what? I haven't seen it.

He tries to push the door shut again, but Cox resists and pushes the headphones off his ears.

Dr. Cox: Bruce Willis is a ghost. He's been dead the entire time. [Gasps.] All the best.

He slams the door shut.

Janitor: Noooo! NO!

Cut to... NURSES' STATION Turk, Carla, and J.D. are hanging out.

J.D.: You guys, I am so excited about tonight.

Carla: Settle down, we're just going to a nightclub.

J.D.: No, Carla, an African-American club.

Turk: Promise me you'll be cool.

J.D.'s Narration: In Turk's defense, we had tried this once before.


Wearing metallic parachute pants, J.D. "Hammer-dances" over to a flat-topped Turk at the front of the line.

J.D.: [To the bouncer] You can't touch me.

The bouncer rebuffs them, and they slink away.

J.D.'s Narration: And once before that.


Turk's flat-top is a little higher, and J.D. joins him in a puffy white sweatsuit and black fedora, a giant clock hung around his neck (very Run DMC).

J.D.: [To the bouncer] Yeeeeeaaaaah, booooooy!

Again rebuffed, they slink away.

J.D.: [Checking his clock] Man, it's only ten o'clock.


OUTSIDE A NIGHTCLUB -- THE MID '00s. J.D., Turk, and Carla have reached the front of the line.

J.D.'s Narration: But, hey, third time's the charm.

Bouncer: All right, you three can go in.

J.D.: Word.

Bouncer: Ah! You're out.

Carla: Oh, look, sir, please, just--

Turk: Baby, I got this. Don't worry about this. Listen here, man, homey here, you know, he's a little outta his mizzle, so I'm just saying, for just a little bizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all chizzle!

Bouncer: You out too.

Carla: Look, sir. [Discretely pulling out some money] This is for idiot number one, and this is for idiot number two.

The bouncer takes the bribe and lets them through. J.D. sneaks past without making any eye contact, so as not to jeopardize his shot.

Cut to... CLUB The gang enter the darkened club where many people are dancing to hip-hop music.

J.D.: Oh, I knew I'd get in!

Carla: Just don't lose your head, Bambi!

She looks over to where J.D. had been standing next to her and finds him gone. He's suddenly at the middle of the cleared dancefloor, doing The Robot.

Carla: Turk! J.D.'s doing the--

She looks over to where Turk had been standing next to her and finds him gone. He's now out on the dancefloor with J.D., doing some really funky moves.

Carla: [Embarrassed] Heh. Oh, God.

TIME LAPSE J.D. heads over to the bar.

J.D.'s Narration: After two hours of intense roboting, I was parched.

As he spots the attractive African-American bartender, the music switches to a slow, sexy groove.

Narration: And that's when I saw Kylie.

J.D. takes a seat at the bar.

J.D.: Uh, can you make me an appletini?

Kylie: I hope so, it's my favorite drink.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh my God, that's a sign. If only she had my goofy sense of humor.

Kylie: Ran out of vodka. Let me go downstairs and get some more.

Her heads bobs below the bar. J.D. takes a peek over and Kylie's head bobs back up.

Kylie: [Laughs.] I been working on my fake stair walk.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, time to move in for the kill. Work the fact that you're a doctor into the conversation. Just be subtle.

J.D.: I'm a doctor. [Cringes.] Uh, John Dorian. Most of my patients live.

Kylie: This is so weird! I been looking for a doctor! See...

She continues talking, but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Thoughts: My God, look at those beautiful eyes. They're so big I can see myself in them. Wow, how cute am I!

Kylie: it's probably nothing big, but I'm wondering if you could check it out?

J.D.: You got it! Come by Sacred Heart tomorrow, I have clinic hours. After all, I'm a doctor.

Cut to... SACRED HEART -- ADMISSIONS -- THE NEXT DAY Turk and J.D. are at the front desk where Carla is working.

Turk: Dude, I can't believe this. You're gonna date a patient! I hope she has something that keeps her here for a while so you can get to know her.

J.D.: I gotta thank you for taking a special interest in this.

Carla: Don't give him too much credit. He's just excited because he wishes he dated more sexy black women when he was single.

Todd strolls through.

Todd: Well, at least he married one.

Carla: Todd, I'm not black.

Todd: Right, and I'm not straight.

He continues out and down the hall.

J.D.: [To Turk] Do you ever get that special fluttery feeling in your heart when you feel like a woman is about to change your life?

Kylie enters with an attractive man at her side.

Kylie: Hey! J.D.! This is my boyfriend James. Thanks again for seeing him.

J.D. stares, gobsmacked.

Turk: [Quietly to J.D.] How's your heart?

J.D.: The fluttering has stopped.

Behind them, Todd has dragged a black doctor over and points Carla out to him.

Todd: There! Is she black?

Doc: Nuh-uh.


FOURTH FLOOR HALL J.D. has brought James and Kylie up here, and sends James into the elevator.

J.D.: Be with you in a second.

James: [From elevator] Thanks, doc!

J.D.: [To Kylie] It's funny, I thought you said you were the one who needed a doctor.

Kylie: No, I told you it was James.

J.D.: Ohh. How could I not have heard that?

Kylie: Remember, I said...

She continues explaining, but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Thoughts: My God, look at those beautiful eyes. They're so bi-- You're doing it again!

Kylie:, I'll see you in there.

She smiles and heads towards the elevator.

J.D.: Okay. In there, I'll see you.

Kylie laughs and boards.

Continue to... NURSES' STATION J.D. rejoins Turk and Carla.

J.D.: Oh man, I can't believe it's over.

Turk: Dude, maybe it's not that serious, all right? There could be a window. But you have to get in there and fish for information, all right? You don't want to lose this hottie! She is a slammin' hottie! And you don't wann--

Carla: Turk.

Turk: Mm-hmm.

J.D.: I got this: Baby, you know you're his world! I'm going for it. But I got--I gotta--I gotta go in there hot. Turk, what's that joke that Mickhead always tells?

Turk: Dude? A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist then says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why'd you come to the dentist's office?" The guy then says, "Well, the light was on."

Carla rolls her eyes and mouths the punchline of this obviously oft-told joke.

J.D.: [Snickering] That moth is crazy!

Cut to... EXAM ROOM J.D. enters where James and Kylie are waiting.

J.D.: Hey, I heard a great joke. A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." And the dentist says, "Well, if you think you're a moth, why are you at a dentist's office?"

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no, I forgot the punchline.... You can't bail out now! Stall! Stall!

J.D.: ...So the moth says..."That's a good question. What kind of dentist are you?" And the dentist says, "Well, I'm a general dentist, but I...I do dabble in orthodontry -- braces and such." And...and the moth says, "Orthodontry? I hear there's great money in that."

Kylie and James stare blankly as they wait for the "great" part of this joke.

J.D.'s Thoughts: "The light was on"!

J.D.: "But! To answer your original question, which was, if I think I'm a moth, why am I in a dentist's office? The answer is, Because the light was on!"

Kylie cracks up. James is still pretty blank.

J.D.: The light! The light, James. Moths love light. [Opening a chart] So, James, other than your funny bone being broken, what seems to be the problem?

James: I've had a fever and stomach ache for almost a week.

Kylie: Mm.

J.D.: Okay, well, uh, let's get a little history on you.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Time to go fishing for some info.

J.D.: Do you ever have any, uh, shortness of breath? For instance when you're walking Kylie to the apartment that you share?

Kylie: We don't live together.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Window! Window!

J.D.: Oh, so you're--you're waiting until you get married?

Kylie: We're not engaged.

James: To answer your question, I don't have any shortness of breath. But my right knee is a little puffy.

J.D.: Well, maybe that's from dragging your feet! Am I right, Kylie! Heh. She knows! Okay.

J.D.'s Narration: Using patient histories to your advantage is an old doctor trick. Let's face it: What a doctor says and what they mean are often two different things.

Meanwhile... I.C.U. Elliot and Dr. Kelso are with the wife and daughter of Mr. Chang, the man lying unconscious in the room they are gathered outside.

Elliot: I know Dr. Robbins treated your husband in the E.R., but we're gonna approach this case a bit differently. Subtitle: Robbins is an idiot.

Mrs. Chang: And it's very comforting to have the chief of medicine here.

Dr. Kelso: I took a special interest in this case. Subtitle: I was thinking about food, and accidentally wandered over here.

Mrs. Chang: Oh, thank you!

The family goes back into the room, and Kelso and Elliot turn to head over to the Nurses' Station. Todd stops on his way through.

Todd: Hey, Elliot. Your boobies look hot today. Subtitle: Hey Elliot, your boobies look hot today.

Elliot shakes this off and heads over to the Nurses' Station with Dr. Kelso, who's got a pastry in hand.

Elliot: Mr. Chang's test results showed that he's in renal failure. We're just waiting for the results of his blood smear.

Dr. Kelso: No need. I saw his chart right before I went to the bakery. He's got malaria.

Elliot: And you were going to tell him this after you had a sticky bun?

Dr. Kelso: Well, in my defense, he's going to live at least another twelve hours and the bakery closes at five.

Elliot: Well, we've gotta get moving on this! What should we do?

Dr. Kelso: Nothing. Mr. Chang is not long for this world.

He leaves. Elliot turns to Dr. Cox.

Elliot: Do you believe that guy?

Dr. Cox: I never cease to be amazed by the depth of his cynicism and callousness.

Elliot: So, what do you think we should do?

Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't care. I'm going home to watch the Lakers play the Heat. It's the game of the year -- Shaq versus Kobe. And you are going to stay here and deal with this yourself.

Elliot: Shaq versus Kobe?

Dr. Cox: All the best. [Assumes a player's stance] Ooh! Let it happen! [Dodges around her] Three, two, one! [Shoots the "basket," and crowd noise:] Ahhhhhh!


PARKING LOT -- BASKETBALL HOOP Various staffers are prepping to play. J.D. (in a t-shirt reading "Hug Me!") is laid out on the concrete while Turk pulls his ankles.

J.D.: What's this stretch good for?

Turk: It loosens up my chest. But you should probably stretch too.

J.D. hops up.

J.D.: Don't need to, buddy -- I got a tube of Ben-Gay on each one of my hamstrings.

Turk: How things going with Kylie?

J.D.: They're okay. Is there some special way to get a black girl to like you?

Turk: Dude, the only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big?

J.D.: Uh-huh?

Turk: You say, "Hell yeah!"

J.D.: All right!

Turk: Okay! You wanna play some ball?

J.D.: Hell, yes!


I.C.U. NURSES' STATION Elliot confronts Dr. Kelso. Dr. Cox is behind the desk.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I have thought about it, and I am not going to just stand around and wait for Mr. Chang to die.

Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?

Dr. Cox: Are you kidding me? Barbie going toe-to-toe with Big Bob in a battle of the annoyings? Well, happy birthday to me!

Elliot: We should do an exchange transfusion.

Dr. Cox: [Boxing announcer voice] And the southpaw with the blonde bangs and the big britches comes out sa-winging!

Dr. Kelso: Sweetheart, the man is seventy-two and in multisystem organ dysfunction. It's done! It's parasites one, person zero! And if you tell that family he's got a chance, all you're doing is raising their hopes.

Dr. Cox: [Still with the voice] Ohhh! Tremendous body blow!

Dr. Kelso: Oh, and for the record, we're not colleagues. I don't care what you think.

The two combatants split in opposite directions.

Dr. Cox: Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! [Really putting on the voice] And the fight goes to the stocky middleweight from Monroeville, Pennsylvania!

Dr. Kelso: By the way, Perry, Mickhead called in sick. I need you to work tonight.

Dr. Cox: [Suddenly very serious] Well, yeah, that's well and good, but I'm not available.

Flash to... DR. KELSO'S OFFICE Dr. Cox has followed Kelso in here, still arguing his shift change.

Dr. Cox: There is no chance I am missing this game! No chance, no how!

He takes notice of a large pile of books and shelving that appear to have taken quite a tumble from the wall.

Dr. Cox: What the...? Say, Bob, what the hell happened in your office?

Dr. Kelso: Oh, every year the med students get me with a practical joke. They messed with the speed control on my treadmill.


Dr. Kelso is working out on his treadmill, and adjusts the speed control. To the tune of the "Lone Ranger Theme," the thing suddenly goes into hyper-speed, whipping him backwards into the wall behind him, the shelf of books above tumbling around him.


Dr. Kelso: What I can't figure is how they got into my office.


Dr. Cox and Ted make a covert exchange.

Ted: Here's the key to Kelso's office.

Dr. Cox: And here's Nurse Tisdale's phone number.


Dr. Cox: I don't have any idea how they might have gotten in here, Bob. But I can tell you this: If you think I'm missing the biggest game of the year, you got another thing--

Dr. Kelso: I hate to interrupt you, but I'm still feeling a little woozy from being shot into my wall like a lawn dart. So why don't you just go work your shift and use my VCR to tape the game?

He opens a lush wooden cabinet to reveal a very expensive-looking entertainment center.

Dr. Cox: When did you get this?

Dr. Kelso: Right about the time we couldn't afford that M.R.I. machine.

Dr. Cox: Ah, of course you did.


EXAM ROOM James and Kylie are waiting as J.D. enters with some paperwork.

J.D.: Hey, Kylie, I wrote down that moth joke for you.

He hands over the several sheets of paper.

Kylie: Wow.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Give her a compliment. Tell her she has a huge ass!

J.D.: You--

Kylie: [Noticing the medical tape on J.D.'s eyebrow] What happened to your eye?

J.D.: Oh, this, it's a little embarrassing. I was playing baske--

Turk enters.

Turk: Embarrassing for me, actually, see.... [Quietly to J.D.] It's wing-man time. We were playing basketball, and he scored eight buckets in a row on yours truly.

J.D.: Yeah. I ally-ooped him.

Turk: [Under breath] Shut up.

Kylie: [To James] Mmm! You coulda used J.D. at Seton Hall!

Turk: Oh, also, the soup kitchen where you volunteer called, and they said-- You played ball at Seton Hall?

James: All four years.

Turk: Get outta here!

J.D.: Did-did-did the soup kitchen where I volunteer have a message?

Turk: Yeah, they're out of broth. So what was like playing college ball?

James: Oh, man, it's bett--

Kylie: Sweetie, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria and get you a coffee.

James: Oh, okay.

Turk: Hell, no! Sweetie ain't drinking no cafeteria coffee! Sweetie, you are drinking the coffee from the doctors' lounge!

He throws his arm around Kylie and leads her out towards the lounge.

Turk: Let's. Seton Hall, huh? That is...

He continues fawning as they move further away. A staffer stops in to give J.D. a chart.

J.D.: Thank you. Your test results, let's see what's going on. [Opens the chart.] Your gram stain shows that you have gonorrhea. ...We should probably test Kylie to see if she's infected.

James: Oh, no, we haven't slept together...yet. It's not like I'm missing out -- shoot, I probably got it from my secretary. Or that trainer from the gym. Ooh, or this fine chick, Tamyra, that bartends with Kylie? Yeah.

J.D.: Well, we should probably get--get you fixed up, or things might start falling off of ya.


I.C.U. Dr. Cox has gathered all the staff.

Dr. Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game. And seeing as no one in the history of this germ box has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh my God, oh, my God, did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900 pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for twenty minutes!" Be warned: If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last. Now get out! [Claps.] Go, go, go, go, go. [Whistles.] Chop chop!

As the staffers clear out, only one person remains: The Janitor sitting in a desk chair, his back turned.

J.D.'s Narration: What drives people to seek revenge?

He slowly turns, very smug.

Janitor: [Mimicking a Bond villain, complete with the stroking of an invisible pet] So.... You don't want to know the ending of something? I can relate to that.

Dr. Cox: What is that in your lap?

Janitor: Leonard! Half kitten, half monkey!

Meanwhile... I.C.U. -- MR. CHANG'S ROOM Dr. Kelso and Elliot talk to the family.

Dr. Kelso: Unfortunately, with his system failing, Dr. Reid and I have agreed there's nothing more we can do.

The Changs begin to cry.

J.D.'s Narration: What drives people to go back on their word?

Elliot: If we do an exchange transfusion there's a chance we can save your father.

The women gratefully hug Elliot.

Mrs. Chang: Oh! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Meanwhile... EXAM ROOM J.D.'s thought processes are obvious to James.

James: Now, you have to keep this between us -- you know, doctor-patient confidentiality, right?

J.D.'s Narration: And what do you do when every fiber of your being wants to say something, but you know you can't?

Kylie returns with Sweetie's coffee.

Kylie: Hey! What are you guys talking about?

James shrugs innocently.

J.D.: Nothin'!


NURSES' STATION Turk and Carla are at the desk. J.D. comes out of James's room and joins them.

J.D.: Why do all the good ones have boyfriends with venereal diseases but you can't say anything 'cause you're the guy's doctor?

Carla: I am so sick of men screwing women over! Like cheating on them or using your lavender bath gel to wash their car!

Turk: Baby, you did not just compare cheating and getting gonorrhea to me using your soap--

Carla: I'm just saying men let you down. J.D., you have to tell her.

Turk: Baby, when J.D. became a doctor, he took the Hippocratic Oath. And I'm sorry, but there's no way around it.

      • FANTASY: J.D. and Kylie are playing "Hangman."


Kylie: Is...there an "A"?

J.D.: Yes there is!

He fills in the As. Thank goodness, because Kylie only had a leg and foot to go.

Kylie: Yes!


J.D.: There may be a way around it....


HALL Elliot signs and hands a chart off to a staffer.

Elliot: Thanks.

She heads down the hall, and there's an iciness as Dr. Kelso passes. Dr. Cox exits a room to follow Elliot.

Dr. Cox: Ooh, Bar-bye! You are up there without a net this time! Well, I sure do hope Mr. Chang rallies for ya, because if he doesn't, sure shootin' you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying "sweetheart, I told you so" from now until you are two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.

Elliot gives him a dirty look and continues on as The Janitor pulls Cox into a room.

Janitor: Oh, now it's time to ruin the game! Come with me to the window!

Dr. Cox: Why? What do you have, some elaborate plan?

Janitor: I do, as a matter of fact. I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.

Dr. Cox: Really?

Janitor: No, you idiot. I'm just gonna tell you the score of the game...maybe knock your head against the glass.

Dr. Cox: Look. I was way outta line telling you how that movie ended. But, God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life. So you, you tell me, what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?

Janitor: I would perform open-heart surgery.

Dr. Cox: No.

Janitor: How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe under water.

Dr. Cox: No.

Janitor: I would like a shark that can read minds.

Dr. Cox: No!

Janitor: You and I trade lives for a year.

Dr. Cox: No!

Janitor: How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?

Dr. Cox: Done.

They shake on it.

Janitor: Done!

Dr. Cox leaves. The Janitor heads over to the window. Outside, indeed many people are down below in the formation of the score: 98-97

Janitor: Hey, guys! It's off!

They rearrange themselves to spell out WHY?

Janitor: Wow! You guys are organized!


ELEVATOR Dr. Cox steps in, where Ted the Lawyer is already on board.

Ted: Hey! Catch that Lakers-Heat game? Five seconds left! --

The door closes. On the next floor it opens again, where Dr. Cox steps out, leaving Ted with his tie crammed in his mouth.


WHEELCHAIR RAMP J.D. and Kylie are out taking some air.

J.D.: I can't believe you make three hundred dollars in tips a night.

Kylie: Mm-hmm. This is why doctors should have tip jars. I mean, I make three bucks for serving a martini, you put your lips on the mouth of a slobbering dead guy and bring him back to life -- that's gotta be worth at least a five spot!

They laugh.

Kylie: I...should be getting back to James.

J.D.: There's no rush. Uh, a nurse is up there right now getting some blood from him.

Meanwhile... JAMES'S ROOM Carla is here doing her best work with a needle.

James: Oh!

Carla: I'm sorry! It's never taken me twelve pokes to find a vein! [Chuckles.]

James: Ow!

Carla: Got it! Wheeeee!


Kylie: Ugh, I shoulda brought my laptop -- I could've gotten so much work done.

J.D.: You can bartend online?

Kylie: I just work at the club to pay for grad school.

J.D.: Mm.

Kylie: I'm getting my Masters in political science.

J.D.: I love politics! Ask me anything!

J.D.'s Thoughts: What are you doing?! You don't know anything about politics! You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks!

Kylie: Did you know only seventeen percent of people under the age of twenty-five voted last year?

J.D.: You can vote if you're under twenty-five?

Kylie laughs.

J.D.'s Thoughts: The only thing you can take solace in is that a girl like her would probably never be interested in you anyway.

Kylie: I can't believe a cute guy like you doesn't have a girlfriend. If I was single, I'd totally snatch you up.

J.D.: Would you like to play a game of Hangman?


NURSES' STATION J.D. sits on the desk, staring off into space as various interns carry on working around him, passing charts through his hands and guiding his hand in signatures.

J.D.'s Narration: As I sat there letting my interns do all my work, I wondered if there was a parallel universe where another J.D. and another Kylie could be together because there's no Hippocratic Oath on planet Glornak Seven.

Elliot emerges from Mr. Chang's room.

Elliot: [Smiling] Are you on Glornak Seven?

J.D.: Why are you so happy?

Elliot: I just did an exchange transfusion on my malaria patient in there, and he just woke up on from his coma.

J.D.: Well, he woke up to a world of bad boyfriends, oaths, and gonorrhea.

Elliot: He sure did. And you know why? Because I broke the rules and ignored what Dr. Kelso wanted me to do.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes you have to break the rules. And Elliot's patient waking up was a clear sign that you couldn't deny.

Suddenly several monitors start beeping and a nurse rushes out of Mr. Chang's room.

Nurse Tisdale: Mr. Chang is crashing!

Elliot rushes back in.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Signs be damned! I'm telling her!

He smacks the desk in resolution and gets up.

Cut to... HALL J.D. runs through towards James's room.

J.D.: Kylie! Kylie!

Turk tackles him to the floor.

Turk: Dude! You can't tell her! They won't let you be a doctor anymore!

J.D.: Who cares! I'd make more money bartending!

Carla stands over them.

Carla: Turk! If we leave right now, I might actually be awake for sex tonight. Just go get my coat.

Suddenly this is much more important to Turk, who struggles to his feet and rushes off to get Carla's coat.

Carla: [To J.D.] You owe me. [Winks.]

Time lapse... NURSES' STATION -- MOMENTS LATER J.D. has escaped. Turk returns with an entire armful of coats.

Turk: Baby! So, I didn't know which one was yours, so I grabbed all of 'em.

Carla: Just give me a second, okay? I need to talk to Elliot, and then I gotta clock out.

She heads into the I.C.U.

Turk: And then we have sex? Then we have...?

Continue to... I.C.U. Carla approaches a dejected Elliot.

Elliot: I really thought he had a shot.

She looks over to Mr. Chang's observation window as a nurse covers the body with a sheet.

Carla: Well, the family's downstairs whenever you're ready to talk to them.

She leaves. Elliot looks across the Nurses' Station to Dr. Kelso. She heads over to take her lumps.

Elliot: Go ahead. Call me sweetheart and tell me I'm a pathetic excuse for a doctor.

Dr. Kelso: You made a bold decision and it bit you in the keister.

Elliot: Yeah.

Dr. Kelso: I don't like people disagreeing with me. There's not another resident here who has the guts to do it.

Elliot: I just feel so guilty about Mr. Chang. Could you at least just...make fun of my bangs or something?

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague. Telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be far worse than any shot I could take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.

Elliot: Did...did you just call me a colleague?

Dr. Kelso: I did. But I hate my colleagues.

He heads out, passing Turk, who giddily waits clutching Carla's purse.

Dr. Kelso: What the hell are you doing?

Turk: I get to have sex!

Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.

He continues out.

Turk: [Hissing to self] I get to have sex tonight!

Meanwhile... WHEELCHAIR RAMP J.D. finds Kylie.

J.D.: Hey, Kylie, there you are.

Kylie: Hey! J.D.!

J.D.'s Thoughts: This is your moment! Grab it! Listen, Kylie... Out loud, you idiot! Out loud!

Kylie: I wanted to thank you for being such a great doctor.

J.D.'s Narration: And there it was. Great doctors don't break oaths.

James pulls the car up and beeps.

Kylie: Thanks again. For everything.

J.D. watches Kylie hop in the car with her boyfriend.

J.D.'s Narration: Someone once said the bad guys always win. Sometimes the bad guy is a jerk boyfriend.

They share a kiss before driving off.

Meanwhile... DR. COX'S APARTMENT Perry settles in for a satisfying evening with his tape of the big game.

Sports Announcer: It's finally here! The long-awaited showdown between Shaq and Kobe!

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the bad guy is the man you've been battling with for as long as you can remember.

The recording is interrupted by footage of Kelso in his office.

Dr. Kelso: [On the tape] Hey, Perry! 98-97, Lakers. Kobe dunked over Shaq for the game winner. Don't ever mess with my treadmill!

Cox bitterly shuts off the tape and leaves the room, taking his bottle of scotch with him, and passing the Janitor who's chowing down in the vibrating chair.

Janitor: [Mouth full] Is this homemade gravy? Mmm!

Meanwhile... HALL Elliot talks to the Chang women.

J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes the bad guy is a disease that you didn't stand a chance against.

Mrs. Chang: [Sobbing] said he could get better.

Elliot: I am so sorry.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess all you can do is come back to work the next morning and hope that being a good guy pays off.

Cut to... WHEELCHAIR RAMP -- THE NEXT MORNING On his way in to work, J.D. finds Kylie waiting for him with two cups of coffee. She gives one to him.

J.D.: What are you doing here?

Kylie: My girlfriend Tamyra, from the club? She's also feeling a little sick, and you'll never guess what she has.

J.D.: Gonorrhea! I mean...gonorrhea. Kylie, I-I wanted to tell you so badly, but, you know, it's against the rules.

Kylie: You could tell me now.

J.D.: Your boyfriend is a jerk.

Kylie: He's not my boyfriend.

She smiles at J.D. and they sip their coffees. The shot of the two of them shifts so that the heart in the Sacred Heart logo on the door frames the new couple.

Fade to Black.


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