The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Half-Acre".
Scene 1[]
Open: Cafeteria: Lloyd the Delivery Guy is air-drumming along with a beat. Janitor and Ted watch. Todd enters.
Todd: What's going on?
Janitor: Ted and I are putting together an air band for that contest at the bar. Someone's got to win those water park tickets, it might as well be us. Lloyd, slammin' solo, but I have to ask you, how's things coming with the drug problem?
Lloyd: Three days sober.
Janitor: Excellent. OK, we'll be in touch.
(Lloyd exits. Cut to hallway. J.D. is pushing a patient in a wheelchair.)
J.D.: Well, Mrs. Nichols, it was an honor being your doctor.
Mrs. Nichols: Oh, you're such a nice young man. I'd love to set you up with my grand-niece.
J.D.: Oh, thank you, but I'm not big on blind dates, and I know, I haven't hit it in awhile, but there's good reason for that.
Dr. Cox: Two good reasons. His face and his personality.
(Dr. Cox exits.)
J.D.: Sticks and stones may break my bones!
J.D.'s Thoughts: But words will hurt forever.
J.D.: Anyway, for me to be set up with your niece, I'd need to know a lot more about her.
Mrs. Nichols: She's single.
(Cut to a restaurant. J.D. is at a table.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: My blind date should be here any second. I gotta thank Mrs. Nichols for setting this up.
(An older women enters in slow motion, wearing excessive amounts of make up and violently clashing clothes.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, Mrs. Nichols, you blue-haired bitch! Wait, she's veering off. Phew!
(Julie enters in slow motion.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, Mrs. Nichols, your new hip is on the house because this girl is amazing! Yet there's something accessible about her. I wonder what it is.
(Julie trips over a food cart, falls over and makes a mess. A carrot cake lands next to her.)
Julie: Ooh, I'm gonna have the carrot cake.
(Cut to later in the date. Julie rests her head in her hand, but her elbow slips off the table, causing her to face-plant on the table.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: So, she was a bit of a klutz.
Julie: Did you see that? Please say no.
J.D.: No.
J.D.'s Narration: From that moment on, it was the greatest date ever. We had so much in common.
(Cut to much later. The restaurant is closed and J.D. and Julie are having coffee.)
Julie: I ride a scooter, I love Harry Potter so much I sometimes wish I was a wizard, and I've hated sports since I was a kid.
J.D.: Me too! Do you ever, like, drift off and have weird fantasies?
(A busty waitress leans over the table to clear the dishes. Julie takes a fork and stabs each breast which causes them to shrink with a balloon popping noise. Cut to reality. It was Julie's fantasy.)
Julie: Sometimes.
J.D.: So do you wanna see if they'll give us more coffee or do you just want to call it a night?
J.D.'s Narration: And then she gave the world's best answer.
Julie: Neither.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. and Julie lean in for a kiss. Elliot enters.)
Elliot: J.D., you home?
J.D.: My roommate. Back in one second.
(J.D. goes into the living room.
Elliot: So, I guess your date sucked, huh?
J.D.: Ha! Why don't you ask her if our date sucked. She's in my room.
Elliot: Twenty bucks you blow it in less than five minutes.
J.D.: Unlikely! Because what's waiting for me in my room is what's known in football terms as a slam dunk (he says while making a motion of a tennis forehand).
(J.D. returns to his room.)
Elliot: One Mississippi, two Mississippi...
(Julie exits in a rush. J.D. follows.)
Julie: It's so late, I gotta get going, I have a dog and a fish, I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie, hi.
(Julie exits the apartment.)
Elliot: I was Elliot. Twenty bucks, please.
J.D.: OK, double or nothing. I bet you I can jump from this couch to the counter. Check it! Eagle!
(J.D. fails.)
Elliot: Pay me in the morning.
OPENING THEME
Scene 2[]
Open: Hallway.
J.D.: Why would Julie just take off like that? I bet you my body intimidated her. That's it, I am selling that Bowflex on Craigslist.
Elliot: Yeah, I'm sure you said something that sucked all of the romance out of the moment. You used to do that all the time when we were dating.
J.D.: Like when?
(Flashback. J.D. and Elliot are in bed, making out.)
J.D.: Are you getting thicker? You feel a little thicker. What?
(End flashback.)
J.D.: Fine, I may have told her that she smells like my mom. Which, by the way, I still maintain is a compliment.
Elliot: Ugh.
(They enter the Nurses' Station.)
Jordan: What are you guys talking about?
J.D.: Well...
Elliot: J.D. has this habit...
Jordan: [interrupting] Already bored.
(J.D. and Elliot exit. Dr. Cox enters.)
Jordan: Oh, look! Will you say goodbye to Jack? I have to drop him off at preschool.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Bye, little man.
(Dr. Cox pats Jack on the head.)
Jordan: Uh, Perry, this is your son, not a rescued pit bull. Give him a kiss.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy, and I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, if my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye.
(Dr. Cox shakes Jack's hand.)
Dr. Cox: Son, Always a pleasure. And no more kissing.
(Dr. Cox exits)
Jordan: What? You're crazy! [to Jack] That's right. He is.
(Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room.)
Carla: Well, I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him?
Dr. Cox: Stay out of it, Carla.
Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.
Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
Dr. Cox: Ladies, hate to disappoint, but my quota for women who bug the living bajesus out of me has been met for the next billion years. Now, Mrs. Wilk, you have developed an allergy to Malfolan. However, I have come up with a new regimen that will enable us to continue treatment.
Mrs. Wilk: OK.
Carla: Oh, I think he described all the extra effort he put in just so you would tell him what an amazing doctor he is.
Mrs. Wilk: Now that you've told me, it won't sound sincere.
Carla: He won't care.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Cox, you're amazing.
Dr. Cox: It's just my job.
(Cut to doctor's lounge. Ted, Lloyd and Janitor are watching Todd lip-sync to Loverboy's "Working for the Weekend.")
Todd: Everyone's watching to see what you will do / Everyone's looking at you, whoa, Everybody's workin' for...
(Janitor stops the music.)
Janitor: Well, uh, thanks for coming to the audition in costume.
Todd: What costume?
(Turk breaks out laughing.)
Janitor: Something funny?
Turk: Dude, I just came up the perfect name for you band: Mercy Flush. [laughs]
Ted: Do you think this is easy?
(Turk steps up to audition, dancing and lip-syncing to Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison." Janitor, Lloyd and Ted watch, impressed.)
Janitor: I don't know what "it" is, but he's got it.
Lloyd: He's gonna be trouble.
Janitor: I know. But he is so damn talented.
(Cut to cafeteria.)
J.D.'s Narration: I convinced Julie to meet me by explaining that my comment in the bedroom was a simple miscommunication.
J.D.: I wasn't saying that you smelled like my mom, I was saying that you smelled like memum. It's an exotic flower that's indigenous to the hills of Costa Rica.
Julie: God, I feel so stupid.
J.D.: Hugsies.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ohh, Mommy.
Julie: I'll see you later?
J.D.: Yes.
(Julie gets up to leave, knocking her keys to the floor. She bends over, spilling water on Elliot, knocking her face first into her plate of spaghetti with her purse, then hitting her in the face with a napkin dispenser in a series of klutzy mishaps.)
Julie: Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, I am so, so sorry.
Elliot: Oh no, it happens.
J.D.: It does, it happens.
Julie: Bye.
(Julie exits.)
J.D.: Isn't she great?
Elliot: So, you got the second date. Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road and pretend your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny, and I still have not forgiven you for killing that family's pony. But most importantly, if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again, ignore whatever pops into your head. Just look into her eyes and say these exact words: I'm. So glad. I found you.
J.D.: You're telling me what to say, next you're gonna be telling me how to kiss her. I mean, where does it end?
(J.D.'s fantasy. Elliot, dressed like J.D. and with J.D.'s hairstyle is kissing Julie.)
Julie: You are such a good kisser, J.D.
Elliot: Mmm, right back at'cha. And I love that you're calling me J.D.
(End fantasy.)
J.D.: Stay away from my girlfriend, Elliot. And stay away from my J.D. wigs!
(Cut to ICU.)
Lonnie: Dr. Cox, could you help me with a central line?
Dr. Cox: Fine, Lonnie, but hand to God, if you so much as look at me for the next month I will mummify your head in surgical tape.
(Lonnie looks away)
Lonnie: Thank you Dr. Cox. Is he gone? No? Hello?
(Dr. Cox enters a patient's room.)
Carla: Mrs. London, this is Dr. Cox. He's going to be your doctor.
Dr. Cox: Good news. Your intestinal bleeding can be fixed with a very simple surgery.
Mrs. London: Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm a doctor, and we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
Carla: Don't worry, he'll figure out another way to treat you.
Dr. Cox: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha, no he won't!
(Dr. Cox exits. Cut to Elliot's apartment.)
J.D.: I am having so much fun hanging out with you. Can you believe we've been talking for two hours?
Julie: Seriously?
J.D.: Nah, while you were in the bathroom I set the clock two hours ahead so you'd think time was just flying by.
Julie: Really? While I was in the bathroom, I wrote my name on the mirror with my finger so the next time you took a hot shower and it fogged up, you'd think that ghosts where trying to tell you to be with me.
(Five for Fighting's "100 Years" plays in the background.)
J.D.'s Narration: Looking at her, I knew what the future held for Julie and me.
(J.D and Julie sit on the couch. They transform in to elderly people.)
J.D.: Smile.
(He takes a picture of the two of them.)
Julie: Oh, God this mask is hot.
(She peels off a cosmetic mask and wig.)
J.D.: Thanks for doing that.
(J.D. also pulls off his mask and wig.)
J.D.: I wanted a picture of us old, you know? That way if one of us dies in a tragic skiing accident, we'll always have that memory of us together.
Julie: That's so sweet! So what do you want to do now?
J.D.'s Thoughts: OK, romance is in the air. You gotta say something. Tell her about the hit and run. Nah, she probably loves ponies. Ask her if she's been tested. Why are all these odd thoughts popping into my head? My, God, look at the size of her feet. Tell her! Stop it! OK, the silence is going on too long. Just say that thing that Elliot told you, even though it's stupid.
J.D.: I'm really glad I found you.
(They stand, presumably to kiss. Cut to cafeteria. Ted's air band finishes out the last words to the song.)
Turk: ...To liiiiive!!
Janitor: Yes! That was very tight.
Dr. Kelso: Well, seems I've stumbled into the Time Well Spent ward. Back into your cage, Ted.
(Ted takes off his air guitar and slams it on the floor. The twang of a broken string is heard.)
Ted: Oh, God, what have I done?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I need you to volunteer to speak at a critical care conference this weekend.
Turk: Yeah, I don't see that happening, Bobby.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Turk: It's not like you're the king around here.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment.)
J.D.: Ahhhh, morning, Elliot. By the way, Julie's here. I'm not gonna kiss and tell.
Elliot: Oh, really? Because I just got your text that said bone city.
J.D.: Oh, really? That came through?
J.D.'s Narration: When you care about something, the last thing you want is for it to be taken away.
(Cut to security room.)
J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's a newfound hobby...
Turk: Sir, why did you want to see me in here?
Dr. Kelso: [over P.A.] Quick announcement, people. From this moment on, there will be no air-banding allowed in the hospital. [to Turk] The king has spoken. Thank you very much.
(Cut to Mrs. London's room)
J.D.'s Narration: ...or the image of someone you looked up to.
Carla: So, tell me. What are you gonna do with our Jehovah's Witness?
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna do anything.
Carla: So what's gonna happen?
Dr. Cox: I would say she's probably going to die.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment. Julie enters.)
J.D.'s Narration: as for me, all I lost was my pride.
Julie: Hey, Elliot. Oh, um, J.D.? I'm glad I found you, too.
Elliot: Well, that sounds familiar.
Julie: [offscreen] HYOOOOOO!
(A crash is heard. Elliot chokes on her coffee. Julie is on the ground, underneath the shelves she has just knocked over.
Julie: Ow. I think there's a chotchkie in my bum.
Scene 3[]
Cut to Hospital entrance. J.D. and Elliot enter.
J.D.'s Narration: So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie. Luckily, she's not great at gloating.
Elliot: Ha ha, you had sex last night with a beautiful girl that you really like!
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes she needs a little help.
J.D.: Uh, you probably meant, "If it weren't for you, I'd still be dating my laptop."
Elliot: Right. In your face, ha ha! [whispering] Thank you. [normally] You know, I actually like Julie, so don't do that thing you always do.
J.D.: If you're referring to the game Find the Saltine, relax. I don't even play that with Turk any more.
Elliot: No, I am talking about how you go a million miles an hour the minute you fall for someone. Don't go too quickly, or just like I said, you'll just end up with another beautiful girl.
J.D.: Dating my laptop.
Elliot: Dating you laptop. Thank you.
(Cut to hallway. Ted, Janitor and Lloyd are looking at a sign that says "NO AIRBANDING")
Lloyd: I knew he'd be trouble.
Janitor: Hey, come on now, we're still a band, huh? Let's bring it in.
(Janitor, Ted and Lloyd put a hand on Lloyd's head.)
Janitor: Cool cats on three. One, two, three.
Janitor, Ted & Lloyd: Cool cats!
Janitor: Let's roll.
(They exit. Pan to Nurses' Station.)
Carla: When Mrs. Wilk was allergic to Malfolan, you found a way around it. Why aren't you doing the same for our Jehovah's Witness?
Dr. Cox: Because Mrs. Wilk didn't choose to have her allergy, so...
Carla: [interrupting] Wait, there's a young man behind you with a quick medical question.
(Jordan, hiding behind the counter, holds Jack up.)
Jordan: Will you kiss me?
(Jordan stands up.)
Dr. Cox: Leaving.
Jordan: You know, you're eventually gonna have to kiss your boy.
Carla: And you will have to treat that Jehovah's Witness.
Jordan: Mmhmm.
Dr. Cox: God. Elevator.
(The elevator door opens with miraculous music. Dr. Cox steps inside and shuts the door.)
Dr. Cox: He's got my back, Even if I don't technically believe in Him.
(Cut to hallway.)
Turk: Behind your ear.
(J.D. pulls a saltine from behind his ear and hands it to Turk.)
J.D.: My friend, you have found the saltine! But don't tell Elliot we're still playing!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Why do I care what Elliot thinks? She's not right about everything. I mean, I'm not gonna go too fast with Julie.
(Montage begins: J.D. walks down the hall playing air guitar until he bumps into Dr. Kelso. He points to the "NO AIRBANDING" sign, and hands J.D. a stack of folders. Dr. Kelso walks slowly down the hall as J.D. moves in fast-motion from door to door in front of Dr. Kelso. Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. enters and jumps on the couch as Julie rubs his shoulders. Cut to hallway outside Elliot's apartment. J.D. gives Julie a flower attached to a key. She tries to put it in the lock but it does not fit. J.D. takes the key and the scene cuts to J.D.'s bedroom. He uses the key to open a small chest. In it are wizards hats, which they put on. Cut to the living room. a painting of J.D. and Julie in the hats sitting on a unicorn is hung on the wall. Elliot looks at it in horror, then gives J.D. and Julie a forced smile. Cut to a street. J.D. and Julie ride on their scooters. They stop next to a vacant lot with a "For sale" sign. End montage.)
J.D's Thoughts: Ooh, land for sale.
(cut to outside the security room.)
Turk: Dr. Kelso? I'll go to that conference.
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called "Dr. Dad" which, despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever the hell you want to do?
(Dr. Kelso exits. Janitor enters.)
Janitor: It was never about you saying no to the conference. It's about the way you said it.
(Janitor points to Dr. Kelso on the security camera monitor.)
Janitor: You see that man there? His biggest pet peeve, except for employees storing deer meat in his office mini-fridge, is people being disrespectful to him.
(Janitor pauses, and pulls a saltine from behind Turk's neck.)
Turk: Do you play?
(Janitor pulls a saltine fro behind his own neck. Cut to ICU. Lonnie and an EMT roll Mrs. London out the door on a gurney.)
Carla: Lonnie, what are you doing?
Lonnie: Since Dr. Cox won't treat Mrs. London, we have to transfer her to another facility.
(Cut to a private patient's room. Mrs. London is wheeled in.)
Dr. Cox: All right, listen up and listen good. I will kill anyone who tells Carla about this. That includes you Mrs. London. First, I will save your life, then I'll take it away. Let's get to work. Lonnie. Are you looking at me again?
Lonnie: No.
(Dr. Cox approaches Lonnie with a roll of surgical tape. Cut to vacant lot.)
Julie: Are we crazy to be thinking about buying this?
J.D.: No, it's a sound investment and a great addition to my portfolio.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Which consists of two shares of Eastern Airlines stock and a pack of unopened Les Mis trading cards.
(Elliot's face appears on the sign, in place of the broker.)
Elliot: J.D., this is a mistake.
(J.D. walks up to the sign)
J.D.: You're not broker of the year Whit Prowdy.
Elliot: Don't do this, you're going too fast.
J.D.: Why should I believe you?
Elliot: [quoting the sign] Because honesty is my business.
(Elliot is replaced by the broker on the sign.)
J.D.: I hate you, Whit Prowdy.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Turk: Sir, can I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Kelso: Just you, or all the Turkleton's?
(Turk turns around and sees Janitor, Lloyd and Ted standing behind him.)
Janitor: We don't just rock together, we roll together.
Janitor, Ted, Turk & Lloyd: [in unison] Cool Cats.
Turk: Sir, I want to apologize for how I spoke to you. It was extremely disrespectful and I can promise you, it will not happen again.
Dr. Kelso: You bet your ass it won't.
(Dr. Kelso removes the "NO AIRBANDING" sign and exits. Cut to cafeteria.)
Carla: OK, so what's the deal, crankypants?
Dr. Cox: I am just sick and tired of having to live up to everyone's expectations. Lonnie needs a central line. You want me to help Mrs. London, and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean, honestly, Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much.
Carla: Yeah, yeah. I'm not buying it. You've been putting up with that stuff around here for over twenty years.
Dr. Cox: It's not just here, it's home, too. Jordan expects me to be this -- this amazing, sensitive father.
Carla: So that's what this is about? You shouldn't sweat the sensitive dad stuff. You'll get there.
Dr. Cox: You don't know anything.
Carla: Oh really? How is it going with your Jehovah's Witness patient?
Dr. Cox: Better.
(Cut to hallway.)
J.D.: How did you know I'd move too fast with Julie?
(Cut to cafeteria.)
Dr. Cox: How do you know that I can be that kind of Dad?
(Cut to Admissions Area.)
Turk: How did you know that Dr. Kelso just wanted respect?
(Cut to security room.)
Elliot: [on security camera monitor] Because I know you.
Carla: [on security camera monitor] Because I know you.
Janitor: [on security camera monitor] Because I know him.
Todd: This is so cool.
Lonnie: [his head is wrapped in tape with a face drawn on it] What's happening? Dr. Cox didn't make eye holes.
(Cut to hospital entrance. J.D. and Elliot walk out to the parking lot.)
J.D.'s Narration: I think it's important to listen to the people who know us best. Because if you do, you might get to rock...
(J.D. and Elliot walk past the Cool Cats in the parking lot, who are air-banding to Boston's "More Than a Feeling."
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
J.D.'s Narration: ...you might get the confidence to be the father you want to be...
Dr. Cox: Give me this little boy.
(Dr. Cox takes Jack from Jordan and kisses him.)
Dr. Cox: I love you. I love you so much I'm gonna make a sandwich out of you.
Jordan: Where are you going?
Dr. Cox: Jack's gonna devour me now, see you later!
(Cut to half-acre.)
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes it's fun to not listen and do whatever the hell you want.
J.D.: So, we bought it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to kiss my lady on my new half-acre.
(J.D. and Julie run towards each other. Julie stumbles and falls, causing J.D. to trip and do two somersaults in the air, before crashing next to her.)
Elliot: [to herself] She is not graceful.
(Cut to hospital parking lot. The Cool Cats finish air-banding to Boston.)
CLOSING THEME