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Open: J.D.'s bedroom. "Away" by Leroy begins to play. Close up of a digital clock clicking over from 5:59 to 6:00. The alarm goes off and a sock-covered foot reaches over to tap it off. Pull back to reveal J.D., in pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, stretched -- sideways -- across his disheveled bed. He sits up.
J.D.'s narration: Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything - storms, sirens, you name it. Last night, I didn't sleep.
J.D. gets up out of bed and walks out of view. Cut to the bathroom. J.D. fills his hand with shaving cream. In the
mirror we see him start to apply it to his face, then stop.
J.D.'s narration: I guess I get a little goofy when I'm nervous.
Cut to J.D. with shaving cream on his chest and face in a war paint like manner and growls, then cut to J.D. with a shaving cream bra.
J.D.'s narration: You see, today isn't just any other day. It's my first day.
Cut to J.D. standing in front of the mirror, wearing his scrubs.
J.D.: I'm the man.
Follow J.D. walking into Sacred Heart Hospital. Cut to the interior of the hospital, with J.D. smiling. He sees sick and injured people waiting for care. "Away" begins to slow down and then stops.
J.D.'s narration: And four years of pre-med, four years of med school, and tons of unpaid loans have made me realize one thing...
J.D. looks around at the patients. A blonde nurse, Nurse Kearney, steps in front of J.D.
Nurse Kearney: Good. Could you go drop an NG tube on the patient in 234, and call the attending that the lavage is positive?
J.D. fidgets and looks around nervously.
J.D.'s narration: I don't know jack. The opening theme, "Superman" by Lazlo Bane begins.
Reopen in the Admissions Area of Sacred Heart Hospital, with "DAY 1" written in the top left corner. The camera surveys the area, showing the patients.
J.D.'s narration: So, this is my story.
J.D. follows Nurse Kearney to the front desk.
J.D.: Uh, I'm supposed to be up in intensive care.
Nurse Kearney: Good. We just turfed him there.
J.D.'s narration: Look, I became a doctor because I wanted to help people. But orientation yesterday... it didn't really focus on patient care.
Flaskback to the orientation in a classroom, lead by the hospital lawyer. The interns are sitting in student desks.
The lawyer gestures a whiteboard behind him that reads "LAWSUITS" in black, with a red x drawn over it.
Lawyer: The hospital doesn't want to be sued. Being sued is not a good thing.
Zoom in on J.D. and Turk sitting next to each other.
J.D.: Hey, Turk.
J.D.: You know how I'm totally down with the rap music?
Turk: Dude, be whiter.
Turk drinks his soda, and the frame freezes.
J.D.'s narration: Chris Turk's my best friend. We roomed together in college...
Beginning of flashback. J.D. and Turk in their graduation gowns, smiling into the camera.
J.D.'s narration: We roomed together in med school...
J.D. and Turk in medical school, wearing rubber gloves, aprons and caps, standing in front of a cadaver and smiling into the camera.
J.D.'s narration: Hell, we even got accepted by the same hospital.
J.D. and Turk holding their acceptance papers, and hugging. As two girls go by, they break the hug. End of flashback, Turk puts his soda down.
J.D.: Here's the thing: TuPac, DMX, Dr. Dre, in most of their songs, these artists use an extremely volatile racial slur... the "N" word.
Turk: I got it.
J.D.: Right. My question is this: if we're both singing along, and knowing that otherwise I would never use the word, am I allowed to say-
J.D.: See, that's good for me to know. I didn't-I didn't know that.
Cut to the whiteboard, the lawyer has added "ALCOHOL + SURGERY = NO NO", and undelies "NO NO" several times as he speaks.
Lawyer: Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure, you can feel free to tell him or her... anything.
The lawyer laughs weakly, but no one in the room laughs with him. He sits and drops his head to his hand.
J.D.: [to Turk, softly] Hey, listen, I found us an apartment....
Turk raises his eyebrows, but before he can say anything, Dr. Kelso steps to the front of the room and begins speaking.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, gang. I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine. So, I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net. Because, I promise you, we're family here.
Turk and J.D. smile.
Dr. Kelso: Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.
J.D. and Turk in the doctor's lounge.
Turk: So, the surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.
J.D.: The medical interns are having a PacMan tournament.
Shot to the backs of several people huddled around the PacMan machine.
J.D.: ...Apparently we're all twelve.
Turks laughs. Elliot comes up behind them.
Elliot: I love PacMan.
J.D.: Me too. I love watching it, I love playing it, I love all of it.
Shot to Elliot, then to Turk who looks over at J.D...
Elliot: I'm Elliot.
Turk: [points his finger at her] Eeellliiiiooott...
Elliot: Yeah. Don't do that.
J.D.: I'm J.D., this is Turk.
Turk: Elliot, are you medical, or surgical?
Turk's face falls.
J.D.'s narration: [while smiling at Turk] Heh-heh. [then looking at Elliot] Hello.
Cut to J.D. and Elliot walking through a hall in the hospital.
Elliot: So, every male in my family is a doctor: my dad, my grand-dad, and my brother. I guess that's why dad gave me a guy's name, made me play sports, date girls. I'm joking.
J.D.: I know. I would have laughed if you'd paused.
Elliot and J.D. enter a stairwell.
Elliot: Anyway, I know what you're thinking.
The camera zooms in on Elliot's bottom.
J.D.'s narration: Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.
Cut to J.D.
J.D.: No you don't.
Cut to J.D. and Elliot walking up the stairs.
Elliot: I'm probably "Miss Hyper Competitive". I mean, it used to be a big problem for me. [she laughs and then stops to face him] "Used to" - past tense.
Suddenly she turns again and runs up the stairs.
J.D.: Hey, are we, like, racing?
She rushes up the stairs.
J.D.'s narration: Please. I'm not that desperate.
Fantasy begins. '"I Want You to Want me" by Cheap Trick plays. 'Elliot is running through the hall, and J.D. comes around the corner in shorts and an orange, sleeveless shirt with "33" on the chest'. Elliot looks back at him and shouts "No!". J.D. grabs a cup of coffee from a doctor, and pours it over his face. The finish line is shown, with staff and patients standing behind it, cheering. J.D. passes Elliot, and crosses the line first. Flashback ends.
Cut to J.D. doubled over, trying to catch his breath as Elliot comes up behind him.
Elliot: So, you do a lot of cardio, or...?
J.D.: [out of breath] Oh, yeah.
Dr. Steadman approaches the two of them.
Dr. Steadman: Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great. One: I am your resident, Dr. Jeffrey Steadman - not "Jeff". Two: Here are your manuals. This -
Dr. Steadman hands J.D. and Elliot the manuals, and continues speaking but J.D.'s narration drowns him out.
J.D.'s narration: You ever notice how quickly some people make an impression?
Dr. Steadman: I'm a tool. I'm a tool. I'm a tool, tool, tool, an unbelievably annoying tool.
Dr. Steadman: Yeah. Finally, these are your beepers [he hands them each a beeper]. From now on, they control your entire life. 'Kay? Thanks. Move it.
J.D. and Elliot look at the beepers, as Dr. Steadman passes between the two of them.
J.D.'s narration: Back to today.
Act 4 Edit
A Hallway J.D runs up to Carla, who is pulling a gurney. "DAY 1 AGAIN" appears in the bottom left hand corner.
J.D.: Uh, I was paged.
Carla: Aww, first day, Bambi? Carla will take care of you. (sternly) Don't look at me when we're moving someone.
J.D.: (still looking) Why?
He runs right into a lamp on the wall and falls to the ground.
We are now in a hospital ward. Carla is fiddling with the IV drip.
Carla: We're waiting for Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox enters, putting on gloves.
J.D.: Hi, doctor, I'm-
Dr. Cox: (interrupting) Place an IV for me.
J.D.: We'll talk later.
J.D. gets to work on the patient.
Dr. Cox: Carla, can I ask you a personal question? Do you spray the perfume on or just fill your bathtub up and splash around in it?
Carla: I smell nice.
J.D.'s narration: Come on, you've done this to cadavers before. So this guy's alive, just poke it through his skin! Poke it through! Now!
He's interrupted by one of Dr. Cox's trademark whistles.
Dr. Cox: Time's up. Carla, would you do it for him, please? I also need an A.B.G.
J.D.: Why are you telling her?
Dr. Cox: Shut up and watch.
Carla: Be nice to Bambi!
Dr. Cox: Why does this GOMER got to try and die everyday during my lunch?
J.D.: That's a little insensitive.
Dr. Cox looks at J.D. J.D. hears thunder.
J.D.'s narration: Mistake.
Dr. Cox: Man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here, he's inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: (sarcastically) Aww, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: (nodding) Yeah, it is.
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox grits his teeth and goes up to the man's ear.
Dr. Cox: Eisenhower was a sissy.
He rears back, fists ready. Nothing happens.
Dr. Cox: I think by the grace of God we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.
He storms out. J.D. awkwardly waves goodbye and gestures to the patient before giving up.
Act 5 Edit
A Hospital Ward. J.D., along with several other young doctors, approach the bed of a patient, led by Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Now...Dr. Dorian, can you tell me what ailment most often....
He continues asking his question, but is drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration: I think I'm gonna love rounds. It's like being on a gameshow.
J.D. hits his imaginary buzzer, and we hear a "ding".
J.D.: What is euremia?
Dr. Kelso: That's my boy!
Dr. Kelso: [lifting the patient's blanket] Hey, nice, clean job on the foley catheter.
J.D.'s Narration: I'd had a nurse do it. Unfortunately, I'm still afraid to touch anybody.
J.D. looks over to the nurse who is working behind Dr. Kelso. He puts his finger to his lips in a "shhh" gesture, at which the nurse sort of rolls her eyes.
J.D.'s Narration: I've been thinking a lot about Elliot.
Elliot suddenly runs in and joins the group.
J.D.'s Narration: ...A whole lot.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, you're late.
Elliot: [stepping forward] I got puked on.
Dr. Kelso: You're off the hook if you can tell me what to look for in a euremic patient.
He looks at the chart he is holding.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Anyway...I'm going for it.
J.D. feigns stretching as he leans over to a baffled Elliot.
J.D.: [whispering] Infection.
Elliot: [to Dr. Kelso] Infection?
Dr. Kelso:: [looking up] That's my girl!
Elliot smiles, pleased with herself.
Dr. Kelso: Moving on.
The group begins to shuffle to the next bed.
Elliot: [explaining to J.D.] I knew the answer!
J.D.: [not really buying it] I'm sure you did.
Elliot: I was just frazzled.
J.D.: Well, how could you not be....
Elliot: You know with the... [she gestures to her shoulder, where she had been puked on]
J.D.: Oh, I know. Yeah.
Elliot: Good. [turning to face him] But thanks. If there's anything I can ever do for you, just---
J.D.: You could let me take you to dinner tomorrow night.
She looks at him critically
J.D.: Around seven.... Or eight.
Elliot: Why not.
She moves on to join the rest of the group, and J.D. utters a silent "Nice!" before catching up.
The Doctors' Lounge J.D. sits on a couch against a window, smiling to himself.
J.D.'s Thoughts: "Why not." That's what she said. "Why not"!
He looks up to the TV in the room, which had been displaying static. Suddenly, it shows the living room set of a sitcom. A young boy begins talking:
- The TV Show Sequence
Boy: Daddy, why did you marry mommy?
J.D. suddenly looks at the TV more closely. On the screen, he and Elliot are in the show, sitting together on a couch across from their "son".
J.D.: [beaming] Well, Tiger, I gave her an answer during rounds, and she screwed my brains out.
A cheesy laugh track is heard. Elliot nods happily
Boy: You the man!
J.D., watching the TV, grins.
Back in the show, the boy leaves the room; Elliot looks at J.D. seductively, then pulls her top open, revealing a lacy red bra. She straddles his lap and they kiss passionately.
A cheesy audience hooting track, a`la "Married with Children", is heard.
Just then, Dr. Cox pushes a sleeping old woman in a wheelchair into the living room.
Dr. Cox: What the hell are you doing?
- End of fantasy sequence, as J.D. looks away from the TV and notices the exact image of Dr. Cox from the TV show mirrored before him in real life.
Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lendsner?
He parks the wheelchair with the sleeping woman and stands to face J.D.
J.D.: I was worried that it could exacerbate the patient's---
Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol! Here's what'cha do: Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
J.D.: But I---
Dr. Cox: And under no circumstances are you to compromise our "no talking" agreement.
He flops into a chair that faces away from J.D., and begins writing in a chart.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, he's always telling me, you know, "You've gotta stay positive!"---
Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it: Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet. And may, in fact, be Satan, himself.
J.D.: It's just that, this isn't really what I expected... You know...
Dr. Cox glances back at him.
J.D.: [quietly, so the sleeping woman won't hear him] Most of my patients are, uh...older and sorta checked-out, mentally.
Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, [he turns the chair so he's facing J.D.] that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who should have died a long time ago, back when they lost what made them people.
J.D. begins making surreptitious gestures -- sort of small facial ticks -- towards the woman in the chair.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] Now, your job is to stay sane enough so that when someone does come in that you actually can help, you're not so brain-dead that you can't function. [noticing J.D.'s "ticks"] For the love of God, what!?
J.D.: [whispering] It's just that, do you really think we should be talking about this in front of....
Dr. Cox: Her? She's dead.
J.D. whips around to look at the woman.
Dr. Cox: [standing] Write this down, newbie: If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.
He bobs his eyesbrows, as if he's just imparted the secret of the ages, then begins to walk out.
J.D.: [sarcastic] You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough, you want some real advice? If they find out the nurses are doing your procedures for you, your ass'll be kicked outta here so quick, it'll make your head spin.
J.D. looks at him, bewildered.
J.D.'s Thoughts: And there it is.
Dr. Cox: [giving a thumb's up and a maniacal grin] Have a terrific day.
He walks out, leaving the woman in the wheelchair. J.D. looks over to her.
Elderly Lady: [opening her eyes and looking at J.D.] I'm not really dead.
The Nurses' Station. Carla hands a chart across the counter to J.D.
Carla: Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lendsner's tox-screen.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I wonder if Turk's having the same experience I am.
Turk comes down the hall and approaches J.D.
Turk: [pumped] I am such a stud!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Probably not
Turk: This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest. I couldn't even see them! I should not be allowed to do stuff like that. [noticing Carla] Whazzup.
Carla doesn't even look up from her work.
J.D.: And you weren't scared?
Turk: One way or another, everyone stops bleeding. That is so deep.
Carla: No it isn't.
Turk: [to Carla] It's a little deep.
J.D.: Hey, we never got to talk about the apartment, I wanted to---
He's cut off by Todd, another surgeon dressed in green scrubs, who approaches.
Todd: [to Turk] T-man!
The two surgeons sort of grunt at each other, and exchange high-fives, slaps, and slugs.
Turk: Word up, boy; how ya doin', man.
Todd: All right.
Turk: All right, Todd, J.D.; J.D., this is my man, Todd.
J.D. holds up his hand to exchange high-fives with Todd; and Todd slaps it -- hard.
Todd laughs, and turns back to Turk. Together, they move a few feet away from J.D. to talk. J.D. leans against the wall, watching them.
J.D.'s Narration: And like that, I was back in high school. You see, surgical interns, they're all slice-'em-and-dice-'em. They're the jocks. Medical interns, we're trained to think about the body; diagnose, test. Medical interns, well....
Todd, now finished with his discussion with Turk, comes up to J.D.
Todd: [pointing to J.D.'s chest] Hey, you got a stain.
J.D. looks down, and Todd flicks him in the nose before laughing and walking off. J.D. smiles humbly.
J.D.'s Narration: ....We're the chess club.
The Elevator. The car is full of people waiting to reach their floors. J.D. stands behind a wheelchair containing an elderly man, Mr. Bursky.
Mr. Bursky: [to J.D.] I just have bad gas. What are you testing me for?
J.D.: We need to know if your gas could be harmful to others.
At that, everyone in the elevator turns to look at them, disgusted. The doors open, and J.D. wheels Mr. Bursky out of the elevator. He stops, placing a chart in its slot at the Nurses' Station.
J.D.'s Thoughts: He's just scared. Talk to him.
He crouches before the man.
J.D.: Look, Mr. Bursky, I heard a systolic murmur in your heart, which is most likely nothing. But if you don't let me check you out, I'm gonna worry about you all day.
Mr. Bursky: Then I'll do it. For you.
J.D.: [giving him a slap on the knee] You're a good man.
The Hospital -- exterior, daytime. "DAY TWO" Cut to: hospital interior, where J.D. is patiently standing behind the janitor, who is on a ladder, working on an elevator door.
The janitor glances over his shoulder at J.D.
J.D.: I'm--I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor: The door is broke. Maybe the fifth time or so. It don't open.
J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there?
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I dunno.
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No. I was--I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there, [he puts the end of one of his tools against J.D.'s chest] I'm taking you down.
J.D. looks worried as the janitor taps him on the chin with the tool.
A Hospital Ward. A group of young doctors, J.D. and Elliot among them, follow Dr. Kelso to one of the beds.
Dr. Kelso: Welcome to rounds, kids. Let's---
He continues speaking, but is drowned out by...
J.D.'s Narration: Elliot is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind. She's my dream girl.
Dr. Kelso: [continuing] ...The necrosis and infected stool most likely indicate what, Dr...... Dorian?
Since J.D. was paying closer attention to Elliot standing beside him, he is put on the spot.
- Fantasy Shot: A dark highway.
There is the sound of a truck as bright lights approach J.D., dressed in scrubs and deer antlers, who stands directly in the middle of the road.
J.D. looks over to Elliot for help.
Elliot: [whispering] I don't know!
Dr. Kelso looks at him expectantly.
J.D.: Sir, I have no idea.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, can you help him out?
Elliot: I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency.
- The fantasy sequence continues, back on the highway, a semi-truck approaches the camera, and we see the antler'd J.D. run over.
Dr. Kelso: That's my girl! Patient number two!
The group moves on, and J.D., under his breath, derisively mimics Elliot's answer.
A Private Patient's Room. An older woman lays in a bed, reading a newspaper. She has headphones on her ears, and is listening to "Over Me" by Tricky. J.D. and Turk are at her bedside.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Draining Mrs. Pratt's stomach fluid'll get my spirits back up.
J.D. nimbly swabs an area of the woman's bulging abdomen.
J.D.: [whispering] Circles for you.
Mrs. Pratt: [momentarily taking the headphones off of an ear] Shut up and do it.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Fantastic.
He takes out a large syringe, with an enormous needle, and holds it up to examine it.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Just suck out the fluid with the giant needle.
He positions the needle, then pauses.
J.D.: [to Turk] I think this needle's too big. I'm gonna get a nurse.
Turk: [grabbing the needle from him] Come on, man, learn by doing! Learn by doing.
He holds the needle above the woman's abdomen, then easily inserts it.
J.D.'s Narration: Why couldn't I do that? I hated him at that moment.
Turk removes the needle from the woman, and suddenly a clear liquid gushes from her stomach from the hole the needle had made. J.D. covers it with a gauze pad.
Turk: Okay, uh, maybe the needle was just a little too big.
J.D.: Oh, you think?
Mrs. Pratt: What's going on down there?
Turk: Nothing, ma'am, this is totally normal.
She goes back to her paper.
J.D.: [still holding the pad, hoping to stop the flow] So, are you gonna--are you gonna move your stuff in or what?
Turk: That's why I came by. I think it's better if we both branched out a little. What do you think?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Tell him you think that's stupid. Tell him you need him.
J.D.: Yeah, I... I feel the same way.
Turk smiles and walks out. We hear Mrs. Pratt's music louder as she watches Turk walk out the door. J.D. lifts the gauze, and the stream of fluid gushes once more.
The Hallway J.D. pushes Mr. Bursky's wheelchair.
Mr. Bursky: So, what's it like being a young, hot-shot doctor?
J.D.: It's like... Did you ever go see a movie that everyone told you was great, and then because of all those expectations, you ended up totally disappointed?
Mr. Bursky: Movies nowadays have too many special effects.
J.D.: Yeah, that was pretty much my point.
The scene changes with the sound of a beeper going off. J.D. races at top speed through another hallway of the hospital.
J.D.'s Narration: My first code. See, here's how it works: Someone's heart fails, they beep everyone. The first doctor in has to run the room, tell everyone what to do.... Basically decide if the patient lives or dies. What am I, crazy?
J.D. ducks into a supply closet, where Elliot is also hiding.
J.D.: [surprised] Agh! [whispers] You chicken!
J.D.'s Narration: Don't worry about the patient, Turk was already there.... 'Learning by doing.'
We see Turk, Todd, and a nurse at a patient's bedside. Turk is prepping the defibrillator paddles.
He sends the life-saving current through the patient's chest. At that, the patient -- a very large, bald man with a goatee -- sits bolt up in the bed, screaming. This sends Turk and Todd into hysterics, as well.
J.D.'s Narration: Plus, it turns out, the guy was just sleeping; attached to a faulty monitor.
Back in the supply closet, J.D. is giving Elliot the what-for.
J.D.: I thought we cared about each other....
Elliot: Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same thing.
J.D.: Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!
She turns to him, with a smoldering look in her eyes.
Elliot: [huskily] Do me right here.
J.D.: [leaning towards her] Okay.
Elliot: [turning away, with a smile on her face] See!
J.D.: [frustrated] ARGH!
Suddenly, the closet fills with light as Dr. Cox opens the door. J.D. and Elliot look at him and make efforts to explain themselves.
Dr. Cox: Right. Pass me a trach. kit.
J.D. reaches over his shoulder for a small package, and holds it out. Dr. Cox snatches it from him.
Dr. Cox: Thanks.
He walks off, slamming the door shut.
J.D.: Our date is--is totally canceled!
A Hallway. J.D. is sitting on the floor, leaning against a closed door.
J.D.'s Narration: I was sitting on the floor for two reasons. One, I tried to lock Elliot in that supply closet, and she kicked me -- hard. And two, the on call-room was locked.
He knocks the back of his head against the door.
J.D.: [yelling through the door] Come on! I got, like, ten minutes to sleep!
Inside the room, Turk and Carla stand, kissing.
Turk: Wait. Tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?
Carla: Lose the clothes.
He backs off and begins jerking his clothing off.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I heard that Turk was gonna move in with Todd. I'm surprised that high-fiving freak isn't in there with him.
- Fantasy shot, inside the on-call room. Turk and Carla are on the bed, naked except for a sheet, kissing and rolling around. Todd, dressed in his scrubs, stands next to the bed, watching.
Todd: Damn, this is hot.
- End of sequence, J.D., still outside the door, laughs at the possible scenario.
Inside the on-call room, Carla stands before a naked Turk.
Carla: [smiling] Nice.
Turk: Your turn.
Carla: [looking at her watch] No, I gotta get back. But, very nice.
She laughs and walks past him, opening the door. J.D. falls in, and she steps over him, mussing his hair.
Carla: Oh, hey, Bambi!
She walks down the hall, and Turks comes to the doorway, holding a pillow at his midsection in order to hide his naughty bits from view.
Turk: [calling after Carla] So, uhh, I'll call you, okay?
An Exam Room. A boy, Billy, who looks to be about 8, sits on the table as Dr. Cox bends down to him, a tongue depressor in hand
Dr. Cox: Give me a big "ah".
Dr. Cox: A big boy "ah".
J.D. Enters, standing at the doorway
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] Turk practically had sex in the on-call room.
Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, I have no idea who Turk is.
He removes the depressor from the boy's mouth, breaks it in half, then tosses it toward the trash can in the corner of the room.
Dr. Cox: ...But, good for him. [leaning down to look Billy in the eye] You see, Billy, it turns out that sex is life-affirming.
Billy looks a bit confused. Dr. Cox grabs a small plastic cup and holds it up in front of him.
Dr. Cox: Now, whatta ya say, champ; you got a urine sample in there for me?
Billy: But I just did, five minutes ago.
Dr. Cox: I know you did, but here's the thing: I'd like you to take this cup, put it on the ground, close your eyes, and just go nuts! [holding up his hand] Whatta ya say!
Billy: [giving Dr. Cox five] Cool!
Dr. Cox: Atta boy! Go get 'em, champ!
Billy grabs the cup and runs into a small bathroom. Dr. Cox hops up onto the exam table and lays back as J.D. comes further into the room.
Dr. Cox: Why are you here?
J.D.: Seems like a good kid.
Dr. Cox: You're worried about being on-call tonight, aren't you.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: [sitting up] Look, worst case scenario, you kill somebody, and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.
J.D. freaks, and buries his head in his hands. Dr. Cox slaps him on the back.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ...But that is the absolute worst case scenario. Come on, newbie, look: Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do, which I assume covers just about everything, and if you have a really rough admission---
J.D.: Call you?
Dr. Cox: No! I was gonna say go hide in the closet again!
J.D. looks embarrassed. In the background, we hear a toilet flushing.
Billy: [out of view] Yee-ha! This is fun!
The Hallway Elliot is walking towards the Nurses' Station.
A Staff Member: [out of view] Hey, nurse?
Elliot: I'm a doctor, okay? The stethoscope, the beeper -- a doctor, got it?
She approaches the desk.
Elliot: I just hate it. I hate the "darlin's" I hate the "sweethearts"...
Carla: You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a woman around here.
Elliot: Well, you're certainly furthering the cause by wearing a thong to work and hooking up in the on-call room.
Suddenly, the two women have the attention of patients and staff around them, including J.D. and Mr. Bursky.
Elliot: Word gets around.
Carla: You talk like that, do you even know my name?
Elliot thinks a moment, but can't meet Carla's challenge.
Carla: I spend every second of my life either here, or taking care of my mom. So, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness. I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right? Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room. And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good. And some days, I need to feel good about something around here. And you judge me? Well, guess what, word does get around, Miss "Out For Herself", so you can dump on everyone here if you want; but you will not hurt me.
With that, she slams the chart she had been holding into its slot, and walks off. Elliot looks around, slightly embarrassed, as the activity of the hospital resumes around her.
J.D.: [pointing helpfully] Her name's Carla, by the way....
Mr. Bursky: Ouch.
J.D.: Yeah.... Carla....
J.D. turns the wheelchair, and they head down the hall, leaving Elliot to collect her dignity.
The Hospital, Exterior -- nighttime. "THAT NIGHT :36 SECONDS BEFORE GOING ON CALL" Cut to: Interior -- The Doctors' Lounge. J.D. stares at a clock on the wall, as the seconds tick down. Dr. Kelso enters.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, Champ! First night on call starts soon, huh? Gosh, you must be excited.
J.D.'s Thoughts: [screaming] Agghh!
J.D.: [smiling weakly] You bet'cha.
Dr. Kelso smiles and begins to walk out of the room, but then remembers something.
Dr. Kelso: Oh! About Mrs. Pratt.... I heard you wanted to put her on the hospital's transplant list. I just thought I'd recommend keeping her on dialysis a little while longer, maybe we'll get lucky!
J.D.: No problem, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Great! Have a ball...on call! [laughs] A little poem for you.
J.D. laughs a little, humoring Dr. Kelso as he walks off, then goes back to staring at the clock. Just as the first minute of J.D.'s shift starts, to his disappointment, his beeper goes off.
As he nervously enters the crowded hospital waiting room, David Gray's "Please Forgive Me" begins to play. We see scenes of J.D.'s experience on-call: Wincing as he steadies a patient for a procedure. Filling out a chart for a man in drag. Checking the monitor of a sleeping patient, and taking a quick bite from the man's untouched food. Attempting to insert an IV, and having the nurse step in to help. Then finally settling down on the bed in the on-call room. As he flicks off the light, Carla steps in, turning it back on and summoning him.
Carla: Bambi, come on. Let's go.
As the final strains of the song play, J.D. stands, his eyes closed as he rubs his temples, amid the patients and staff of the waiting room, as they all move in fast motion.
J.D. emerges from an elevator, pushing an elderly woman in a wheelchair.
J.D.: I'll check on you every ten minutes, Mrs. Moreno, okay?
She nods. Nurse Roberts steps in front of them.
Nurse Roberts: [to J.D.] I need to see you in Mr. Bursky's room.
J.D.: Are you flirting with me?
Nurse Roberts turns and walks down the hall.
J.D.: You are, aren't you!
The two approach the doorway of Mr. Bursky's room.
Nurse Roberts: He crashed. The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism.
We see in to the room a shot of the body of Mr. Bursky lying on his bed, his clothing askew from the obvious attempts that had been made to save him.
Nurse Roberts: No way anyone could have caught it. Anyhow, you have to pronounce him.
J.D.: Why didn't anybody page me?
Nurse Roberts: Could you just pronounce him so I can go home?
J.D. slowly enters the room, as Nurse Roberts waits at the door.
J.D.'s Narration: I'll never forget that moment, the way he looked exactly the same...only completely different. The shame that all I could think about was how hard this was for me.
J.D.: [looking at his watch] Time of death 0200.
Nurse Roberts, relieved to finally get the pronouncement, walks off. J.D. stands over the bed, an obvious lump in his throat.
J.D.'s Narration: I just wanted to help people.
An MRI Room.
A patient lays on the bed of the machine as J.D. enters.
J.D.'s Narration: The hardest part is how quickly you have to move on.
J.D.: [to the patient] Don't worry, man. You're gonna be fine.
Turk, dressed in casual clothes and a bag in hand, obviously ready to leave, enters the room.
Turk: [to J.D.] Hey. I lied before, man. I'm scared every second.
Turk: [stepping further into the room] It's a good thing they make surgical masks, 'cause if they didn't, everyone would know that my face is like this the whole time...
He makes an exaggerated frightened expression, with mouth agape and eyes wide. J.D. laughs a little.
J.D.: Well, I think it's okay to be scared.
Turk: Well, I need you to tell me that every once in a while, man.
J.D.'s Thoughts: He needs me?
Turk: Anyway, I just came to check up on you; see how you're doing.
He turns to leave.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ask him to move in again.
J.D.: You know, Turk, the offer still stands if you wanna....
Turk: Dude, [he holds up a set of keys] I already took the keys out' your bag.
J.D. looks at him, a small smile on his face.
Turk: [sincere] I love you.
The patient lifts his head, and J.D. looks at Turk quizzically. Turk snickers and walks out.
Cut to: A Hospital Hallway. J.D. sits on an empty gurney that is being wheeled down the hall. He's writing in a chart in his lap.
J.D.'s Narration: And like that, I got a second wind.
J.D. looks up as the gurney passes the Janitor, who stands off to the side, holding up a shiny penny.
Janitor: [in a high voice] I'm watching you....
Spooked, J.D. hops off the gurney and heads into the Doctors' Lounge. He steps up to the coffee maker, but then notices Dr. Kelso sitting on one of the couches.
Dr. Kelso:: How're you holding up?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ah, there he is, my safety net.
Dr. Kelso: I saw that you're still pushing to put Mrs. Pratt on the transplant list. Bad news, though, sport: she doesn't have the insurance to cover it.
J.D.: Yeah, but she's, like, a second away from total renal failure.
Dr. Kelso: Okay..... Uh, did you ask the Bursky family for permission to do an autopsy?
J.D.: They're still in there with him, sir.
Dr. Kelso: It's a teaching hospital, son, you gotta ask.
J.D. Thoughts: Just tell him you can't see Mr. Bursky again. He'll understand.
J.D.: Sir, do you--do you think I could skip just this one?
Dr. Kelso: Why, sure, sport.
J.D.'s Narration: See? Every story needs a good guy.
Dr. Kelso: [getting up off the couch] In fact, why don't you just head on home. You look kinda tired.
J.D.: [amazed] I am pretty tired!
Dr. Kelso: [his sweet disposition fading] Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names! Now look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them; if they don't, you show them the door.
Elliot steps into the room to witness the rest of this conversation.
Dr. Kelso: [continuing] And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. You get it by rounds tomorrow morning, or I'll be scratching your name off my chart! Are we clear!?
- Fantasy Shot -- A close-up of Dr. Kelso, with flames around his head, and glowing red eyes...
Dr. Kelso: Answer me!!!
- End of Fantasy Shot.
J.D.: Crystal clear.
Dr. Kelso: [smiling] Great, sport.
Dr. Kelso walks out, and J.D. turns to look at Elliot, just as his pager goes off.
J.D.'s Narration: I don't get it, if he's the jerk, then who's the good guy?
J.D. runs into a ward as a group of nurses, along with Carla and Dr. Cox, move a patient from a gurney to a bed.
Carla: Car accident, crashed in the elevator on the way up.
She straps an oxygen mask to the patient's face, as J.D. pulls the man's shirt open.
Dr. Cox: We gotta relieve the pressure in his chest. J.D., do it.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh God, no.
Dr. Cox: Look at me. You can do this.
J.D.'s Narration: And I believed him...
J.D.: [his voice squeaking] Chest-tube tray.
Another nurse delivers a tray of tools.
J.D.'s Narration: ...You know, kinda.
Dr. Cox: Come on, baby, let's go; chop-chop.
J.D. and Carla reach onto the tray for their equipment. With a scalpel in hand, J.D. turns back to the patient.
J.D.'s Thoughts: You can do this. You have to do this.
Dr. Cox: J.D., cut him or lose him.
The incision is made as Cox watches on.
J.D.: Okay, gimme the tube.
Carla hands him a long, sturdy tube and he positions it at the incision he's made. He struggles.
J.D.: I can't get it through the pleura.
Dr. Cox: Well, don't be gentle, get it in there.
Exerting pressure, J.D. finally pushes the tube in.
J.D.: Okay, connect it, please, Carla.
She does, and blood flows through the tube.
Carla: [looking at the monitor] Normal rhythm.
J.D.: [laughing, relieved] No way!
Dr. Cox: Eh? It's a piece of cake.
He strips off his rubber gloves.
Dr. Cox: That's your patient.
J.D.: You're leaving?
Dr. Cox: [coming around the bed next to J.D.] That's your patient, doctor.
J.D. turns back to the patient to continue his work. Behind him, Dr. Cox holds up his hand in the high- five pose, then, with a grimace, realizes the gesture isn't "him". With a grumble, he tosses the gloves aside and walks out.
Carla: [watching after Cox] G'head.
J.D. raises his hands over his head in a victory stance.
Carla: That's enough.
J.D.: [emotional] Sorry. It's a very big moment for me.
The Hallway Outside The Admissions Area J.D. has his jacket in hand, and backpack slung over his shoulder.
J.D.'s Narration: So, I guess that's it for now. Thirty-one hours, twelve minutes, and I am....
Elliot: [approaching] You're finally off?
J.D.: Almost. I have one more really annoying thing I gotta do.
Elliot: If you're talking about getting the Bursky autopsy, I already called the family for you. And they said fine, and to thank you, and I'm sorry. ...They didn't say that last part, I did.
J.D.'s Narration: The worst part was knowing, right then, that I could never forgive her.
She leans over and gives him a soft kiss on the cheek.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I forgive her.
Elliot walks off.
J.D.'s Narration: You see, I can't survive on my own.
Dr. Steadman walks down the hall, waving at different staff members.
Dr. Steadman: [from J.D.'s perspective] I'm a dork. I'm a dork! [to J.D.] I'm a dork. [he walks past] ...I'm a dork.
J.D.'s Narration: Even now, when I finally get to go home, in the back of my head, I'll know the hospital's still here, wide awake.
Carla: [on her way through] Bambi! Get out while you still can.
J.D.'s Narration: But what the hell. [J.D. clicks on his beeper and heads for the door] The most important thing is that I got through my first three days without looking like a complete idiot.
He walks to the automatic glass door and, not looking, doesn't notice it fail to open. He smacks right into it, and collapses to the floor.
The screen goes black.
J.D.: [voice over] I'm the man.