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Open: A Street Downtown -- Day Turk and J.D. (who looks mildly distressed), both in their scrubs with jackets over-top, are walking into the parking lot of an establishment.
J.D.'s Narration: One of the best things about my friendship with Turk is that we're always challenging each other to try new things.
J.D.: I can't believe we're going to a strip club for lunch.
Turk: Oh, don't even think about it that way. This is just a nice place to buy a burger that's a short, convenient two-and-a-half-mile walk away from the hospital.
Now within sight of the club, they stop when they notice a small group of people marching around outside the front doors with signs in their hands. As one, they chant: "No skin! We all win!! No skin! We all win!!"
J.D.: Let's get outta here before we end up on the 6 o'clock news.
They begin to quickly exit the premises, but the reporter on site is quicker. Brandishing her microphone, she runs up to them, her cameraman in tow.
Reporter: Excuse me, are you gentleman visiting the club?
The camera focuses on the guys as the reporter holds the microphone to J.D., who stares off at the crowd.
Turk: No! ...We're here protesting.
He holds up a fist.
J.D.: I'm worried about the kids.
Reporter: So what's that in your pocket?
The camera zooms in on J.D.'s shirt pocket, which is stuffed with a wad of cash.
J.D.: Oh, this is just, um, --it's thirty-eight dollars in singles....
He removes the wad from his pocket and fingers it nervously.
J.D.: I-I bought a newspaper, and this is the change from my forty.
Suddenly, the camera loses its focus as the cameraman collapses on the cement.
All three bend down to the unconscious man.
J.D. listens at the man's mouth and feels his neck.
J.D.: [to Turk] No pulse.
Turk: Starting CPR.
Turk pumps the man's chest as J.D. begins mouth-to-mouth. Between breaths, he shouts at the crowd:
J.D.: Call an ambulance!
As the two doctors feverishly work, the reporter hefts the fallen camera and points it at the dramatic scene.
Reporter: Coming to you live as two young doctors are trying to resuscitate my cameraman.
Fade to... The Hospital -- The Admissions Area A group of reporters with cameras, tape recorders, and writing pads are gathered tightly around Dr. Kelso, taking his statement.
Dr. Kelso: [proudly] Well, maybe I'm biased but, to me, every doctor here at Sacred Heart is a hero. Does that mean I'm a hero? I don't know... [chuckles] Ahh! There's my Dynamic Duo!
Turk and J.D. freeze in their tracks as they enter the front doors. The reporters run up to them.
Press: Dr. Dorian! Dr. Turk!
- Fantasy Sequence: Turk and J.D. are dressed as Batman and Robin (respectively) from the old '60s Adam West/Burt Ward TV show.
J.D.: Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy!?
Turk: [close-up] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred, the Butler.
Focusing back on J.D., he now appears in a suit and glasses, with a cheap grey wig and fake mustache.
J.D.: [with English accent] Damn you...sir.
- End of sequence with a flash and a few notes from the "Batman" score.
J.D. and Turk pose for the pictures as they awkwardly get used to their newfound fame.
J.D.'s Narration: Life in a hospital moves so fast. One second you're a hero, the next, you're obsessing about intern evaluations.
Cut to... The Hallway Elliot and J.D. are walking through.
Elliot: Who cares? It's only a grade.
J.D.: Really, what'd you get?
Elliot: An A-plus. But, then I turned on the water-works and the resident changed it to an A-plus-plus.
J.D.: [sarcastic] It's a proud day for women everywhere.
They round the corner to the Nurses' Station, each pulling a chart from the slot on the counter.
Elliot: What are you worried about? With the whole "hero" thing, whoever evaluates you is gonna give you a gold star.
- Fantasy Sequence: Dr. Cox stands in a hospital room, facing the camera.
Dr. Cox: Listen, Super Girl: I'm gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand-piece puzzle of clear-blue sky in less than an hour, will never be able to finish putting you back together again. Even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
J.D.: Somehow, I doubt it.
OPENING THEME COMMERCIAL
Reopen: The Hospital, Exterior -- Day Cut to: Interior -- The Doctor's Lounge Turk and Carla are sitting on one of the sofas, sharing a bowl of popcorn.
Carla: [sweetly] Before you deny that you like looking at strange naked women -- again -- I should remind you that when you stay at my place, it's not a hotel; [she pops a kernel into his mouth] the movie titles do come up on the bill.
Behind them, J.D. and Elliot enter the room.
Turk: I'm sticking with we were protesting.
Carla tosses another kernel of popcorn at him.
J.D.: Outraged and disgusted.
He tosses his chart down onto the table as Elliot takes the chair beside him.
Carla: [to Turk] You should take Bambi out tonight; maybe with all the hype, you can finally get him a girl.
J.D. looks up at her from his chart.
- Fantasy Sequence: A Music-Filled Club
Turk and J.D. are at a table, surrounded by adoring women, who are giving them their full, fun-loving attention.
J.D.: [laughing and hoisting his empty beer bottle] Okay. Who hasn't bought us drinks, yet?
The adoring women all wave handfuls of cash at them.
J.D.: It could happen!
Elliot snickers at him. Turk's beeper goes off, and he looks at the display.
Turk: [to Carla] Don't wait up for me tonight, okay?
Carla: So, do you want to get drunk and beg me to have sex with you now, or do you wanna wait till 2 o'clock tonight?
Turk: [smiling] Let's wait.
Carla: [smiles back] Cool.
He leaps off the couch and exits the room.
Elliot: You know, I'm off tonight. Um, what are you doing, Carla?
Carla: I'm just...having dinner with a friend.
She turns her attention to the bowl of popcorn. J.D. furrows his brow as he looks from Carla to Elliot, back and forth.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, man; this is so uncomfortable. She's not gonna get the invite.
Elliot watches Carla hopefully, but Carla just focuses her attention and effort on shoveling more popcorn into her mouth.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Just hold your breath until it's over.
J.D.: You could take Elliot with you?
Carla gives him a dark look.
- Fantasy Shot: Carla rises to her feet and, facing the camera, flings a handful of throwing stars at J.D. She ends the assault with a Kung-Fu flourish.
Elliot: [beaming] Great. I can't wait.
She stands and grabs her chart, heading for he door.
- Fantasy shot: Elliot passes J.D., who is attached to the wall by an assortment of strategically flung throwing stars.
J.D.: Have a good time tonight!
The Hall The Janitor is rummaging through his cart of supplies. J.D. passes.
J.D.: Did you lose something?
Janitor: No, why? Did you take something?
Janitor: What'd you take?
Janitor: [no nonsense] What'd you take.
Several feet behind J.D., Dr. Cox emerges from one of the rooms.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Newbie! Come!
J.D. gives the Janitor one last look before following Dr. Cox into the room.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Now that I think about it, I'm psyched to have Dr. Cox do my evaluation. It'll give me a chance to finally see what he truly thinks of me.
As he enters, Dr. Cox is standing at the bedside of a patient, writing in his clipboard.
Dr. Cox: Look, Doogie, I'm up to my cha-chas in busy work, so I'm gonna go ahead and take a rain-check on your report card -- just have you do it yourself.
He hands a folder to J.D. J.D. opens the front cover.
J.D.: You didn't even fill out my name.
Dr. Cox: Well, now, I think it's John, or Jimmy, or jeh--, or ehnn...
J.D. rolls his eyes, offended.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] Oh, gosh, it's in the 'J' family; but if you get in trouble, just ask the nurses for help.
He winks and goes back to his chart. Looking annoyed, J.D. leaves the room.
The Hall -- Admin Office Window Dr. Kelso is reading a chart. Before him is The Lawyer.
Lawyer: Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for... well, let's just say when I started, I had hair....
Kelso looks up briefly.
Lawyer: [continuing] ...And a wife and family.... The point is, I'll never get a raise without the support of senior staff like yourself.
Dr. Kelso: [not looking up] Can't do it.
Lawyer: Well, you did what you could!
He leaves Dr. Kelso's presence. With evaluation folder in hand, J.D. rounds the corner into the hallway.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, how are you?
J.D.: Well, sir, these evaluations...--
Dr. Kelso: It's just a pleasantry, sport; let's keep it moving. Listen, I've been thinking, [his tone turns positive and excited] with all the publicity you and your friend have been getting, it would be silly not to milk it a little bit -- see if we can't promote the hospital. What do you say?
- Fantasy Sequence: That Same Music-Filled Club
Turk is mysteriously missing from the table now, but J.D. has on a fancy leather jacket and cool shades. The adoring women, of course, are still there, and are fawning over J.D. considerably.
J.D.: [waving a pen] Okay, whose breasts haven't I signed yet?
J.D.: [lost in thought] It could happen!
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
J.D.: Anything for the hospital, sir!
Cut to... Another Hallway Elliot and Carla, sharply dressed (moreso in Carla's case than in Elliot's), with coats and bags in hand, are walking through.
Elliot: So, what are we doing tonight?
Carla: Oh...go out to dinner, I guess.
Elliot: [excited] Ooh, dinner! Where're we gonna eat?
Carla: Oh, I don't know, some restaurant.
Elliot: [more excited] Mmm! Some restaurant!
She stops Carla and faces her.
Elliot: Be honest, um, does this look, uh, "hip" enough?
Carla: [with an accommodating smile] Since when are khakis, a pink shirt, and a neckerchief not hip?
They walk towards the Nurses' Station as Carla's beeper begins going off. She reaches into her bag and turns it off as she greets her friends -- a woman, Patricia, who looks to be in her early thirties, and a slightly younger man, Darryl.
Carla: Hey, Darryl.
She gives each of them a quick hug and kiss, and looks at her beeper.
Carla: Um, I have to make a quick call. So, Patricia, Darryl, this is Elliot.
She shakes their hands.
Patricia: Nice to meet you.
Elliot: Nice to meet you, too.
Carla walks off to make her call.
Darryl: [to Patricia] I'm gonna get out of here, all right?
He gives her a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.
Patricia: Okay. Thanks for the ride.
He leaves, and Elliot leans over to Patricia, laughing conspiratorially.
Elliot: Oooh, someone's a cradle-robber!
Patricia: Darryl's my son.
Elliot: [laughing] Oh, come on, the only way he could be your son is if you had him when you were, like, fifteen.
Patricia gives a small laugh and then replies very coldly:
Elliot: [with her foot in her mouth] Oh.... I was close!
Carla rushes up to them.
Carla: Listen, I'm really sorry, that was my mom -- I'm gonna have to cancel.
The Doctors' Lounge J.D. sits at the table, nervously tapping his pencil on his evaluation form.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I can't evaluate myself.
J.D.: Would you describe me as 'warm', 'professional', or both?
In the chair in front of him, watching the TV, is Nurse Roberts.
Nurse Roberts: I describe you as: I'm on my lunch.
J.D.: I dunno whether to be easy or hard on myself. I mean, either way---
Nurse Roberts: [annoyed] Can't you see I'm watching my stories?
J.D. picks up his folder, stands, and walks over to one of the couches. He sees that, previously hidden from his view by the back, Dr. Cox is lying stretched across the couch, also watching the TV.
J.D.: Dr. Cox? Have you been here the whole time?
Dr. Cox: No; I just came in through the couch door. Move.
J.D. moves only slightly, so that the screen can be seen over his shoulder.
J.D.: But I thought you said you were too busy to do my evaluation?
Dr. Cox: I am. [referring to the soap opera] Didn't her daddy sell the coal mine?
Nurse Roberts: Contract didn't stick.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh. That's interesting.
Fed up, J.D. leaves.
Nurse Roberts: Uhh-huh.
Dr. Cox: Mmm-hmm.
Outside The Hospital -- Day A news van and a couple of technicians are setting up their equipment as J.D. and Turk talk to the reporter whose cameraman they saved.
Reporter: 'Kay, well, we're almost ready. Is there anything you want to say before we get started?
Turk shakes his head. But J.D. has other thoughts....
- Fantasy Sequence: Wearing the get-up of a pro wrestler -- the spandex chest-baring leotard, trophy belt, and flowing mane -- J.D. grabs a microphone and engages in some pretty fierce smack-talk:
J.D.: [in a macho growl:] Yeah, I got something to say to Dr. Cox! I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see! And this Friday, at the steel-cage mmmedi-slam, I'm gonna give you a physical that you ain't never gonna forget! I'm gonna probe ya -- 'cause I'm The Intern!!!
Turk looks over at J.D., who is lost in his fantasy and flexing his biceps.
Reporter: Nothing! Okay, I'll be right back.
She goes over to her crew.
J.D.: [quietly, to Turk] She is ta-haasty. Watch me work a little cat-and-mouse game with her.
Turk: [grinning] She's married to the sound-man, bud. And that little thing that's clipped to your collar, that's a microphone.
The sound guy, a tough-looking man with a long beard, strips off his sunglasses and looks daggers at J.D. J.D. pulls his mic'd collar closer to his mouth.
J.D.: [quietly] I am so sorry.... And I love ZZ Top.
He gives the man a friendly wink as the crew head over to them.
Turk: [grimacing] I'm not looking forward to this.
Reporter: Okay, we're rolling. [affecting concern] So, how is my cameraman doing?
She holds the microphone to Turk, but moves to J.D. when he speaks up:
J.D.: Well, good enough that he asked me for mouth-to-mouth again!
He laughs (in that way he does). The reporter looks unappreciative and forms her next question.
Reporter: Dr. Turk, um, are there any specific challenges being a young black doctor in an inner-city hospital?
Cut to... A Bar The TV over the bar broadcasts the interview, but over the noise of the music and conversation in the establishment, what he says is hard to make out.
Turk: [on TV] ...My nieces and nephews really look up to me...
Elliot, who is sitting at the bar by herself, addresses the bartender:
Elliot: I'm--I'm sorry, I really want to hear this. Is it possible to turn the volume just a little?
Bartender: That's as high as it goes.
Elliot nods and takes one last sip out of her drink. Behind her, Carla and her friend Patricia enter the bar, laughing and talking. Finished with her drink, her coat and purse in hand, Elliot runs right into them as she is leaving.
Carla: [surprised] Elliot.
Elliot stares at the two.
Carla: [laughing uncomfortably] Hi! Listen, let me tell you what happened....
Elliot looks at her a second, then pushes past and leaves.
Carla: Elliot! ... Damn.
The Hospital -- Hall J.D. is rushing through, but is cut off by the Janitor and his supply cart.
Janitor: When I saw that it was missing, did you not think I'd come to you?
J.D.: I don't know what you're talking about.
Janitor: Oh. So you're gonna play it that way, huh? Touche.
He pushes the cart past, and J.D. carries on his way.
Cut to... A Patient's Room J.D. enters, as Dr. Cox is tending to a patient.
J.D.: I, uh, finished my evaluation.
Dr. Cox puts his stethoscope around his neck and faces J.D.
Dr. Cox: Oh, great. I thought it was gonna take you a little longer, so the marching band won't be here until this evening.
J.D. hands the folder to Dr. Cox.
J.D.: [smug] Enjoy. I think you'll find it's a good read.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Newbie. This thing actually does matter, so tell me, were you completely honest with yourself?
J.D. eyes the folder in Dr. Cox's hands.
J.D.: Well, yeah....
Dr. Cox: [whistles, and points at his eyes] Say it right into the camera, there, hotshot. Now, you can have this thing back anytime you want. [holding it up] You're gonna have to bark like a dog, though.
J.D.: [laughing] I'm--I'm not...gonna bark like a---
Dr. Cox: [grinning] It's your call.
He taunts J.D. a bit by shaking the folder.
He grabs the folder out of Dr. Cox's grip and leaves.
Dr. Cox: [to self, impressed] Good boy.
A Car -- Night J.D. (at the wheel) and Turk are driving down the street. Everclear's "Wonderful" plays on the radio.
J.D.'s Thoughts: At the very least, I'm gonna end today on a good note.
J.D.: Yo, I got something to show you.
Turk: [worried] This isn't one of those uncomfortable moments that'll change our friendship, is it?
J.D.: [smiling] No, no, no! You're going to like it!
Turk: Good. 'Cause I need some good news, man. Can you believe that newslady? "What's it like to be a black doctor?"
J.D. looks over at him, concerned.
Turk: I just wish this was over.
J.D. looks even more concerned, and pulls the car over to the side of the road.
Turk: Why have we stopped?
J.D. is speechless. Turk looks up ahead and, stunned, gets out of the car. Up in front of them, a large billboard looms. Turk and J.D.'s smiling faces are plastered across it, along with the slogan:
SACRED HEART WELLNESS THROUGH DIVERSITY
Turk is incredulous as he looks at the sign. Finally, he turns towards the car to look at J.D, who immediately rolls up the windows to protect himself from Turk's wrath.
J.D.: Roll 'em up.... Roll 'em up.
Turk just remains standing there, looking at him with great disappointment.
Reopen: Turk and J.D.'s Apartment, exterior -- Night Cut to Interior -- The Living Room J.D. is sitting on one of the stools at the kitchen counter, listening to Turk fume.
Turk: What makes you think I'd wanna be part of this, J.D.?
J.D.: I don't know! Kelso said it would make us role models. I guess I just assumed that---
Turk: Yeah, everybody assumes that I'm a good athlete, or--or--or that I grew up poor, or that I love 'Sanford and Son'.
J.D.: But you do love 'Sanford and Son'.... We both do.
Turk looks down at the floor. J.D. takes a chance:
J.D.: ["humming"] Bum-bum-bwa-dum. Bum-bum-bwa-dum-bwa-dum-bum.
Turk looks mildly annoyed at J.D. for trying to get him over his anger. Still....
Turk: [small] Bum-bum-bwa-dum.
J.D.: That's what I'm talkin' about.
With hurt feelings obviously mended through this ritual, the two hum the rest of the stanza of the theme.
Cut to: The Center of the Living Room -- A Few Moments Later Turk and J.D. are enthusiastically humming the rest of the 'Sanford and Son' theme, complete with hand claps, and air guitars. They collapse into laughter.
Turk: [regaining control, but still out of breath] Listen, if Dr. Kelso wants me to be a "role model" for the community because I'm a great doctor, then that's great, and I will sign on the dotted line. But that's not what this is about. All my life, I've been singled out because I'm black.
- Flashback: A Classroom
A Young Turk stands at the front, before several other students and a number of science projects. The teacher slaps a 1st Place ribbon on Turk's chest.
Young Turk: [through gritted teeth] But I didn't even enter the contest!
Teacher: Shh. Smile for the picture.
Turk grabs a paperbound booklet from a shelf in the apartment and hands it to J.D.
Turk: Remember our college brochures?
J.D.: [bored] So what, they put you on the cover.
Indeed, sitting in a group of a couple of white students are the two Turks.
Turk: [pointing] Ohh? Ohh!
J.D.: Come on, it's different this time. Now it's both of us.
Flash to: One of the promotional posters... The picture of the guys from the billboard has been cropped, so that only Turk is seen. Below him is the slogan:
WAZZUP? Your white blood cell count at Sacred Heart.
Flash to: A park bench... The same cropped image appears on the bench, with the slogan:
SACRED HEART OUR MD'S HAVE MAD SKILLS
Flash to: Yet another poster, plastered on a wall of the hospital... Turk's face is there again, with the slogan:
TIME TO GET AN EKG, G
The camera pulls back to reveal Turk and J.D. staring at the poster. Turk gives J.D. a look and walks away.
J.D.: [calling after him] You can still see my hand on your shoulder.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized, I'm not gonna let people take advantage of me anymore.
Cut to... A Semi-Private Patient's Room Dr. Cox is standing at a patient's bedside, writing in a chart. J.D. storms in.
J.D.: Look, this is so unfair, you're supposed to do my evaluation -- not me. And, you know what? You're gonna do it, buddy-boy.
Dr. Cox: "Buddy-boy"? [drops his chart and puts up his dukes] Why...I...oughtta....
J.D.: I'm serious.
Dr. Cox: Relax, Newbie. It's just an evaluation; it should be easy.
J.D.: Well, if it's that easy, then it won't take you that long to do it.
Dr. Cox turns to face him.
Dr. Cox: All right, well, don't you worry about it another minute, there, Newbie. I'll evaluate you, I'll evaluate the hell right outta ya.
J.D. looks like he's found himself in over his head.
J.D.: [hesitant] When?
Dr. Cox: [narrowing his eyes] Oh, just the second I get off work.
Dr. Cox: Fine!
Dr. Cox: Great!
J.D.: Here it is.
He presses the folder into Cox's hands and heads out the door. Before he's all the way out, he spins around and comes back in.
J.D.: You get off, like, six-ish, er...?
Dr. Cox: Oh, danger. Ohh, ohhh!
J.D. runs back out.
The Cafeteria -- Day Elliot has finished her (barely touched) lunch and gathers up her tray from her table. Once Elliot has cleared the area, Carla sits up in the chair she's been ducked behind at the table across from Turk.
Turk: You know, you're gonna have to see her eventually.
Carla: No I don't; 'cause I know the layout to the air-duct system here like the back of my hand.
Turk looks up at the ceiling.
Carla: Of course I'm gonna have to see her again!
Turk: So, what, this is the part where all of a sudden it's my fault?
Carla: Turk, if you could have seen the look on her face--- I'm telling you, if I think about it again, it's gonna make me cry.
She nearly does cry when thinking about it. Turk nods at her dilemma.
Carla: What am I gonna do?
Turk: It's simple: just keep doing what you're doing. Eventually she'll quit and move.
He snickers at his joke, but she looks at him blankly.
Carla: Why am I even talking to you?
Carla: You're such a guy. You can't even begin to understand something this deep on any kind of real emotional level.
J.D. walks up to the table and interrupts the conversation by addressing Turk:
J.D.: [speaking in one breath] Hey, Turk. Look, I'm really sorry about the whole poster thing. It was racially insensitive of me; I should have been more aware of your feelings before I went ahead and spoke for you.
Turk: [also in a single breath] It's okay; your intentions were good, and there's never been an issue of race between us. Since the day I met you, you've been nothing but a friend to me.
J.D.: [beaming] I love you, man.
Turk holds out his fist to his friend.
Turk: Hit me one.
At the moment J.D. knocks his knuckles against Turk's, heavenly music briefly plays, and all is again right with the world. Carla watches this with disbelief.
J.D.: Keep it real!
He turns and walks away. Turk turns back to a speechless Carla.
Turk: Yeah, we've got some things to work out, but, we'll get there... [gazes off into the distance] We'll get there.
The Doctors' Lounge Nurse Roberts is on the couch. The soaps are on, but Elliot talks to (at) her as she grabs a cup of coffee.
Elliot: ...Sure, it hurts. You know what? I'm not gonna wallow in self pity. Right after work, I'm gonna go straight downtown and just...tear it up, you know? Maybe I'll have a cigarette; just get a little crazy and head wherever the night takes me.
Full of the self confidence her plan affords her, Elliot leaves the room. Nurse Roberts sits up.
Nurse Roberts: What's that, now?
Cut to... Downtown -- Night The 'Mary Tyler Moore' theme plays as Elliot, dressed in a coat and hat, emerges from her cab.
Elliot: [to cabbie] Thanks so much!
Taking in her new surroundings with a blissful smile, Elliot twirls around and tosses her hat into the air. The music stops with a jolt when a worldly young man bumps into her and grabs the hat. He sticks it on his head and keeps walking. The reality of downtown -- with its seedy dives and the blaring of police sirens -- hits Elliot hard; she looks around nervously before screaming down the street:
Bum: [out of view] Hey, baby! How much?
The taxi pulls up to the curb, and Elliot leaps in.
Bum: [out of view] Hey! Where're you go---? Don't go away mad!
Elliot: [to cabbie, desperately] Get me the hell out of here! Hurry!
Hospital -- Hallway J.D. is walking through, but is suddenly cut off by the Janitor and his cart.
Janitor: Here's what we're gonna do: I'm gonna leave the cart...in the closet, I'm gonna leave the closet unlocked. If, by magic, it should happen to reappear, I won't ask any questions.
J.D.: I don't even know what 'it' is.
Janitor: Then why take it?
He shakes his head with a grunt and pushes the cart on.
Hall -- Admin Office Window Dr. Kelso is leaning on the counter, going over a chart. Turk comes up to him, and also leans on the small counter.
Dr. Kelso: [smiling] Well, if it isn't Dr. Turk, the friendly face of Sacred Heart.
Turk: Yeah.... Dr. Kelso, um, about these posters [he points over his shoulder to one hanging on a far wall], they're kind of making me uncomfortable.
Dr. Kelso: [sympathetic] Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you felt that way. Well, here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna leave 'em up.
Turk: I can live with that. Or, I can sue you.
On his way past, the Lawyer freezes in his tracks and comes back to witness the remainder of this conversation. Dr. Kelso chuckles at Turk's foolishness. Turk, however, chuckles back.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, you are an employee, here. I can advertise however I wish. I can use your image, your name, I can manufacture tiny little Dr. Turk action figures -- it'll cost $12.95, and when you pull the string it'll say, "I don't like these posters of me!" Isn't that right, Ted?
Lawyer: Oh, definitely, sir.
Dr. Kelso smiles smugly.
Lawyer: Of course, you'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint.
Turk grins and Dr. Kelso's dissolves.
Dr. Kelso: How vulnerable?
Lawyer: Sir, that lawsuit would be over so quickly, I'd advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse, since Dr. Turk will be driving your Beemer home to his place.
Dr. Kelso's expression of uncertainty turns to one of sick fear. Turk chuckles victoriously.
Dr. Kelso: [to the Lawyer] Hippie!
He grabs his chart and exits the area. The lawyer watches after him.
Lawyer: God, that felt good!
Turk: Who's the man?
Lawyer: [astonished] Is it me?
Turk: Damn right, it's you!
Turk throws his hand in the air to give Ted a high five, but the Lawyer instinctively ducks. Turk withdraws his hand.
Lawyer: [looking up] Oh.
He stands up and holds out his hand. Turk slaps it.
Lawyer: Right, man!
Turk walks on.
Lawyer: [to self] It's me!
Quick cut to: Various hospital walls... A sample of the rap music plays again as a housekeeping staffer rips down the posters.
The Doctors' Lounge Elliot is sitting at the table going over some paperwork. Carla enters from the locker area and comes to stand next to the table.
Carla: Elliot, there's no excuse for what I did.
Elliot: No, there's not.
She goes back to her work for a moment then looks up at the unmoving Carla.
Elliot: Are we done?
Carla: I'm really sorry.
Elliot: [cold] Don't be. If I was going out with my friend, I wouldn't invite you.
Carla looks off to the side, obviously hurt and at a loss for amends.
Elliot: [sullen] Who am I kidding. Yes, I would, and she'd probably like you better and neither one of you would ever talk to me again.
Carla sits down at the table.
Carla: Look, I only did it because I hadn't seen Patricia in a long time.
Elliot: Carla, you only did it 'cause I don't fit in with you and your friend. It's no surprise, it's not like I've ever really fit in anywhere.
Nurse Roberts enters the room and leans down to Carla.
Nurse Roberts: Carla, your friend Patricia's here. There's a little problem with her son.
Carla looks over at Elliot for a moment before rushing from the room. Elliot briefly watches after her before dropping her eyes back down to her work. Nurse Roberts looks at her.
Nurse Roberts: Why so sad, Marshmallow?
An Empty Board Room J.D. creeps in. It's ominously dark.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. Oh, good; he's not here.
Just as he relaxes and straightens his posture, a bright spotlight is thrown onto J.D.'s face.
J.D.: Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox emerges from a connecting room, bathed in half shadow from the projector light behind him.
Dr. Cox: [forcefully] It's time. Sit down.
J.D. pulls out the chair at his end of the table and sits. Dr. Cox walks over and stands at the opposite end, his hands shoved into his coat pockets.
Dr. Cox: Now, what do you want me to say? That you're great? That you're raising the bar for interns everywhere?
J.D.: [laughs a little] I'm cool with that.
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna say that. You're okay. You might be better than that someday; but right now, all I see is a guy who's so worried about what everybody else thinks of him that he has no real belief in himself.
J.D. looks up at the ceiling, disappointed with the way this is going.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation?
J.D.: I-I can't think of a safe answer. I just figured---
Dr. Cox: Clam up! I wanted you to think about yourself -- and I mean really think. What are you good at? What do you suck at? And then I wanted you to put it down on paper. And not so I could see it, and not so anybody else could see it, but so that you could see it. Because, ultimately, you don't have to answer to me, and you don't have to answer to Kelso, you don't even have to answer to your patients, for God's sake! You only have to answer to one guy, Newbie, and that's you!
J.D. bitterly digests these words. After a moment, Dr. Cox picks up the evaluation folder.
Dr. Cox: [shaking his head] There. You. Are.... Evaluated.
He flings the folder onto the table. It slides across the smooth wood, landing in J.D.'s lap.
Dr. Cox: Now get the hell outta my sight. You honest-to-God get me so angry, I'm afraid I just might hurt myself.
J.D quietly stands from the chair and exits the room.
An Emergency Treatment Room Patricia's son Darryl is reclined in a chair, surgical dressing draping most of his arm. Turk stands beside him, stitching up the young man's wound.
Darryl: So, what are you, one of the male nurses?
Turk: No, actually, I'm a surgeon. I'm doing this as a favor for Carla.
Darryl: Yeah, Carla is fine.
Turk nods and smiles proudly as he picks up a piece of gauze from his tray.
Darryl: What's she doin' wit' you?
Turk: Slummin' a little, God bless her heart. So, this is a knife cut, hey?
Darryl: Yeah, it's cool.
Turk: See this right here? [he points at a spot near his elbow] Pinched it in a door -- two stitches!
Darryl: [humoring him] Oh, man, yeah, yeah, you hard-core, man.
Turk: Hell, yeah!
Cut to... The Hall Elliot is walking an emotionally shaken Patricia through towards the Nurses' Station.
Elliot: Look, Darryl's gonna be fine. But I'm worried about you; you're a little upset, so I'm gonna set you up in a room with some fluids, maybe give you a Valium, okay?
Patricia: Elliot, thank you.
Once they've arrived at the Nurses' Station, Carla runs up to the two of them.
Carla: [to Patricia] Hey, there you are.
Patricia: Oh, honey.
Carla puts her arm around her friend comfortingly.
Carla: Elliot, you're coming, right?
Elliot: In a sec.
Carla leads her friend off.
Carla: You all right?
Elliot watches after the two of them before turning to drop a chart in the slot on the counter of the Station. She rubs her forehead wearily.
J.D.'s Narration: It's funny how our perceptions can be so off....
Nurse Roberts comes up behind Elliot with a mug in hand.
Nurse Roberts: Hot cocoa, sweetie?
Elliot takes the mug with an appreciative smile.
Nurse Roberts: Anytime.
Nurse Roberts walks off and Elliot contentedly takes a sip from the mug.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Like, when you're searching for a place to fit in, and you don't even realize you've been there the whole time.
J.D. walks past the Station, giving Elliot a friendly wave. She gratefully returns it and goes back to enjoying her cocoa.
Cut to... The Emergency Treatment Room Turk and the bandaged Darryl are tossing around a soft football.
J.D.'s Narration: Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years.
Turk lobs a long throw to Darryl, who catches it easily.
Turk: Hell yeah!
Cut to... An Administration Desk J.D. is leaning on the desk, blankly staring at nothing, still not recovered from the trauma of his evaluation.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, in my case, I knew exactly where I stood. And it didn't feel that good.
Cut to... A Board Room Dr. Cox stands before a table of board members.
Dr. Cox: I would like to make special mention of one intern here: John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely confident, and his enthusiasm -- and his determination to always be better -- is something I see in him 24 hours a day. He cares. Probably cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose.
He turns and walks toward the door.
Dr. Cox: Now, if you have any questions, uh...well, I could give a crap; I'm goin' home. You all get paid way too much for doing nothing, anyway.
The Hall -- Not much later J.D. is bent over a trash can, rummaging through. Dr. Cox pats him on the back as he walks past.
Dr. Cox: Oh, good, Newbie -- you found a specialty.
J.D.: Nah.... I just dropped my...pen!
He stands, holding up the once-lost-and-now-found item. The Janitor pushes his cart up in front of him, and holds up a spray bottle.
Janitor: Well, look what magically found its way back home.
J.D.: What, your window cleaner?
Janitor: [sneers] No. Ammonia. This is window cleaner, right, uh....
He rummages through the supplies on the cart, then stops. J.D. stands looking at him, steeling himself for the inevitable. The Janitor looks up at him, thoroughly upset.
J.D. opens his mouth to speak, but no words will come.
The screen goes black.
J.D.: [voice over] Now that's just bad luck.