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3x20 Turk pulls out his hair

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Fault".

ActEdit

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Cox is going over a chart as Dr. Kelso approaches.

J.D.'s Narration: In some ways, Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso are a lot like an old married couple.

Dr. Kelso: I need your opinion about something.

Dr. Cox: [not looking up] Yes, Bob, those pants do make you look like you're holding water.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, I'll tell you the same thing I told a comic I once saw at a strip club in Reno -- I'm not here for the jokes.

Dr. Cox finally gives Kelso his attention.

Dr. Cox: Color me intrigued, Bob.

Dr. Kelso: I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Heart. What do you think?

Dr. Cox: I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking invasive and often pointless tests is an unholy sin.

Dr. Kelso: Does sound a little sketchy ethically, doesn't it? Thanks, Perry.

He goes off again with a smile. Dr. Cox turns, surprised, to the room.

Dr. Cox: Did that just happen? Anybody?

Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT J.D. is slumped across the arm of the couch, looking bored.

J.D.'s Narration: Me, I was stuck at a couples-only dinner party. There were the soon-to-be newlyweds....

Turk and Carla canoodle.

J.D.'s Narration: There were the girl that I loved and the guy trying to eat her face....

Elliot and Sean suck face.

J.D.'s Narration: And then there's Danni....

Danni sits on the other side of the couch behind J.D.

Danni: You know what I was thinking?

J.D.: [annoyed] Nobody cares, Danni.

Carla: Aww, this has been fun, but I have to drive Turk back to the hospital.

Sean: Yeah, and I gotta get up early and look for an apartment.

He and Elliot move towards the door, followed by Turk and Carla.

Elliot: Yeah, he wouldn't take this perfect one he saw today just 'cause the last tenant died there.

Sean: Elliot! Rats ate his tongue out!

Elliot: Yeah, but the kitchen was so cute!

Sean: Oh, please.

They go out the door. J.D. calls out as Turk and Carla start to head out.

J.D.: Hey, Turk! Where're you guys gonna live after you get married?

Carla: You mean where _you_ gonna live.

Turk pushes her out.

Turk: Baby, not now. [calling to J.D.] Don't know yet!

They leave and close the door. J.D. and Danni sit side by side on the couch, staring ahead.

J.D.: Guess it's just the two of us.

Danni: You wanna have sex?

J.D.: I guess.

They mechanically start removing their own clothes and head towards the bedroom.

Danni: Do I have to look at you?

J.D.: Please don't.

Danni: Shut up.

Meanwhile... BAR Dr. Cox takes a pull from his drink.

Dr. Cox: I can't believe Kelso really asked my opinion. You know?

The camera angle widens to reveal the Janitor on the stool next to him.

Janitor: Look, pal, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone yammer on about their lives, I'd be at my AA meeting right now.

He downs his shot.

Dr. Cox: Listen, there, scrub-brush, it just so happens it was the only empty seat in the whole joint. And besides, as a fellow abusive drinker, you are honor bound by barstool protocol to listen to every last word out of my mouth.

Janitor: [relenting] Go.

Dr. Cox: Kelso.... Kelso really listened to me about this whole full body scan thing.

A couple of patrons pass behind Dr. Cox and the Janitor.

Patron: [to friend] I was thinking about getting one of those scans.

Dr. Cox: What did he say?

Just then, he notices an ad come on the TV behind the bar. In it, a mother is tucking her young daughter in to bed.

Girl: Mommy? When's daddy coming home?

Mother: He isn't. [breaking down] If only he'd loved us enough to get a full body scan at Sacred Heart!

The two hug each other and cry as the words "CALL NOW!" flash at the bottom of the screen.

Dr. Cox: Holy cow!

He gets up from his seat and escapes the bar. The Janitor grabs Cox's abandoned drink...

Janitor: Black label.

...and downs it.

Cut to... BAR PARKING LOT

Dr. Cox bursts out the door and lunges toward his car. Just then he notices a large billboard looming overhead, with a grave looking Dr. Kelso staring down at the street and the printed words "You may already be dying. Full body scans now at Sacred Heart."

SceneEdit

O.R. Turk, Dr. Miller, and Todd have just finished surgery. The patient is wheeled out.

Turk: Oh, my goodness! I totally kicked that hernia's ass!

Dr. Miller: Nicely done, as usual, Dr. Turk.

She crosses the room to remove her gown.

Todd: Dude. Why is Hot Doc being so nice to you lately?

Turk: I don't know, but it's about time. I haven't had to work this hard to win someone over since Carla's mom.

Todd: I thought Carla's mom hated you?

Turk: Yeah, but she died, so I'm counting it as a win.

Dr. Miller returns.

Dr. Miller: I bought a killer dress for your wedding yesterday. Ooh! Speaking of which, it's only two weeks away. Has your bride-to-be started freaking out yet?

Turk: No, Carla's not the "freak out" type.

Dr. Miller laughs with an air of "yeah, right."

J.D.'s Narration: Turk didn't realize that everyone has their moments when emotions run high.

There's a loud knock on the observation window, and all three look over at Carla on the other side, holding several notes up to the glass which read "CAKE ISSUES CAKE ISSUES"

Carla: TURK!

Meanwhile... BAR PARKING LOT Dr. Cox stares up at the billboard.

Dr. Cox: KELSOOOOO!

Meanwhile... J.D.'S BEDROOM J.D. and Danni are bouncing the bedsprings.

Danni: Oh, Danni!

Cut to... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT -- THE NEXT MORNING J.D. exits his bedroom to find Turk studying their ongoing chess game.

J.D.: Turk!

Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS Dr. Cox enters.

Dr. Cox: Kelso!

Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Danni, in a little nightie, exit's J.D.'s bedroom.

J.D.: [pleasant] Danni!

Danni: [covering herself] Turk!

Turk: [calling out] Carla!?

J.D.: Not here.

Turk: [leering] Danni!

Danni: I'm gonna go put some clothes on. After all, I am a lady.

She turns and heads back into the bedroom.

Danni: Oh, by the way, I used your razor to shave my pits.

J.D.: Keep it.

He zips closer to Turk.

J.D.: [whispering] Dude, Danni did the weirdest thing last night -- she called out her own name during sex.

Turk: [whispering] That is weird. Why are we whispering?

J.D.: [whispering] Because she hears like a bat.

Turk: [whispering] Bats hear really well?

J.D.: [whispering] Yeah, 'cause they can't see.

Turk: [whispering] Oh, yeah, that's right, sonar. Wait a second, that's whales!

J.D.: [whispering] No, no, no, no, no. Bats and whales, bats and whales!

Turk: [whispering] Okay, okay, okay.

J.D.: [whispering] Anyway, I have to break up with her.

He turns as Danni comes back out of the bedroom.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, just let her down easy.

J.D.: Danni, I'm not sure how to do this but, uh...I just don't think we should see each other anymore.

Danni: Cool. I'm already kinda sleeping with this guy named Danny, anyway.

She turns again and goes back into the bedroom.

Turk: [whispering] Whoa! I guess she wasn't calling out her own name after all!

J.D.: [hissing] You know what! I don't even care, you know why? Because I bet she's calling out my name while she's sleeping with him!

Danni: [calling from the bedroom] No, I don't!

J.D.: [hissing] See, like a bat, dude! Like a bat!

Turk takes the opportunity to make his chess move.

Turk: Check.

At the end of his tether, J.D. flips out and knocks all the pieces off the board.

J.D.: Aaaaaaaaagh!

ActEdit

SceneEdit

TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Turk (with a bowl of cereal) and J.D. sit on the couch, watching Danni in front of them, all lotusy on a yoga mat.

J.D.'s Narration: It actually wasn't that awkward breaking up with Danni. It was...a little odd that she stuck around for two hours to do her morning yoga.

Danni: Good morning, world!

J.D.'s Thoughts: She seems almost peaceful....

Danni: Later, butt-licks!

She kicks her mat up and stands.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Maybe not.

J.D.: Oh, just make sure you got all your things out of my bedroom, okay?

Danni: I put all my stuff at Danny's house three days ago.

Turk snickers, and J.D. shoots him a look.

Turk: Crunchberry, wrong pipe.

J.D.: Mmm.

Danni: Hey, J.D., don't come chasing after me like you do with Elliot. Because if there's one thing everyone knows about John Dorian, it's that he always wants what he can't have.

She grabs her bag and leaves. J.D. turns to Turk.

J.D.: That's not true, is it?

Turk: Hell no. By the way, this is the last bowl of cereal.

J.D. suddenly becomes very interested in Turk's bowl, forcing him to pull away protectively.

SceneEdit

HOSPITAL -- HALL Elliot and Sean are walking through, passing J.D. at the Nourishment Station.

Sean: It's so hard to make myself look for an apartment when I'm sharing my bed with the most beautiful girl in the world.

J.D.: Really, what's his name?

Sean stops and gives J.D. a quizzical look. J.D. sucks at his coffee mug.

J.D.'s Thoughts: That made absolutely no sense, so just keep sipping.

Elliot pulls Sean along.

Elliot: Come on, Sean. I want you to meet this patient, Tommy. He's only five, but he's got like the voice of a grown man.

Sean: Yeah, he?--

A little boy stops in front of the couple.

Elliot: Tommy, what are you doing out of your room?

Tommy: [deep voice] I go where I want.

Sean stares at the kid.

Sean: Awesome!

Elliot: Yessss!

SceneEdit

CAFETERIA Carla, a huge binder in her arm, rushes over to Turk at his table.

Carla: Turk!

Turk: Hm?

Carla: Everything's wrong again!

She sits next to him and pulls open her binder.

Turk: Baby, it's cool. We're meeting with the cake guy tomorrow.

Carla: Nothing's cool! Nothing's cool!

Turk: Okay, okay--

Carla: The centerpieces are supposed to be cupids, but they have no arrows, so now they're just fat babies. I have 187 people who RSVP'd "yes" for a 125-seat wedding. Plus, I have to wear my grandmother's choker, but with my hair up it makes me look like one of those African tribeswomen with a coil around my neck!

Turk: Okay, first of all, you best be nice to my cousin, Mfume. Second, baby, if we have too many guests, you can un-invite some people.

Carla: Really?

Turk: Really. It'll be fine.

Carla: Okay.

Turk: Close your eyes.

She does so.

Carla: Okay.

Turk: Take a deep breath.

She takes a long, deep breath and releases it.

Turk: See how good that feels? Now take another one.

She heaves another long sigh, and Turk watches her with interest.

Turk: Take another one.

Carla: Are you watching my boobs?

Turk: Deep breath!

He rests his chin in his hands to watch her breathe again.

Turk: Nice!

SceneEdit

ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Dr. Kelso receives a cup of coffee from one of the nurses.

Dr. Kelso: Ah, thank you, Shirley.

Dr. Cox barges in.

Dr. Cox: Dammit all to hell, Bob! I cannot _believe_ you're gonna turn this hospital into some money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures that they don't even need!

Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.

Dr. Cox: You mark my words, if one single person gets a full body scan, I will...I will kiss your ring.

Dr. Kelso: I'll take that bet, champ! You're our witness, Laverne.

Nurse Roberts: How very exciting for all of us.

Dr. Cox: I'm not even sweatin'! Because, honest to God, what kind of gullible chump would go ahead and spend a thousand dollars on some silly scan if he's feeling perfectly fine?

Behind him, Mr. Corman from episode 2.12 enters.

Mr. Corman: Hello, Laverne! Shirle!

Dr. Cox: [not even looking] Oh.

SceneEdit

CAFETERIA J.D. joins Carla, Turk, and Todd at their table.

J.D.: How's the chicken today?

Carla: [gasps] Oh, my God! Turk! What if someone's vegetarian!? I gotta go call the caterer!

She gathers up her binder and races from the room.

Turk: Thank you. I just calmed her down.

J.D.: She's quite mad, you know. I hope she doesn't rub off on you.

Todd reflexively raises his hand to J.D.

Todd: Oh! [pauses] Too easy.

He drops his hand again and goes back to eating.

Turk: Please, man. I'm Christopher Duncan Turk.

Todd: Duncan?

J.D.: His dad loved doughnuts.

Turk: That's not true. Okay, you really need to stop saying that. The point is, I don't lose my cool.

J.D.: I don't know. Remember back in college, when we had tickets to see Michael Jordan in the playoffs?

FLASHBACK: ARENA PARKING LOT

As soon as the car comes to a stop, Turk, all big hair and Bulls memorabilia, leaps out and excitedly starts singing and dancing.

Turk: We're goin' to see Michael Jordan! We're goin' to see Michael Jordan! We're goin' to see Michael Jordan! 'Cause we got good tickets! We went five hundred miles--

J.D., also with more hair, finally gets out and comes around to Turk.

J.D.: Hey, was I supposed to bring the tickets or the sandwiches?

He holds up his plastic bag of sandwiches, as does a very horrified Turk.

Poor Turk flips out, squealing incoherently and ripping out chunks of hair.

J.D.: Oh, God.

He reaches down to collect the hair, but stops when Turk freaks out even more.

Turk: [shrieking] OH! NO! Leave it on the floor! You leave it on the floor!

BACK TO PRESENT

J.D.: You shaved your head for the first time after that. God, I wish we could go back in time and see that game.

Danni passes the table.

Danni: Wanting what you can't have.

J.D.: Why are you here? Hospitals don't sell cigarettes!

Todd: Man, I'd smoke her.

J.D.: Quiet time, Todd.

SceneEdit

SEMI-PRIVATE PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Cox is with Mr. Corman who sits on his bed in a gown and robe, happily swinging his feet.

Mr. Corman: I wanna know everything that's wrong with me.

Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you're not even feeling bad! You don't need this scan! If it would make you happy, we can just go ahead and do the exact same thing we've done the last fifty times you've been in here -- take your temperature, draw some blood, and give you a rectal. It's your basic "Ah, Ow, OH!"

Mr. Corman: Why should I even listen to you? The last time I was here, you tried to torture me to prove a point. Dr.--Dr.--Dr.--

Dr. Cox: Cox.

Mr. Corman: Mengele!

Dr. Cox: Uh!

Mr. Corman: Now, if you will excuse me, I've already talked to the insurance company, so there is nothing you can say that can stop me from doing this!

He dramatically draws the privacy curtain on Dr. Cox, who looks over the man's chart.

Dr. Cox: Now, Mr. Corman, apparently your insurance company's not gonna cover it.

The privacy curtain jerks back to reveal a fully dressed Mr. Corman.

Mr. Corman: Good day to you, sir.

He walks out.

SceneEdit

O.R. Dr. Miller, Turk and Todd stand over the patient. Turk raises his scalpel.

Turk: I'm ready to make the first incision.

Dr. Miller: Nah-uh! You get to retract the pannus.

Turk: You want me to hold the fat flaps?

Dr. Miller: More than anything in the world. Todd! You're up!

Todd: [taking the scalpel] Thank you!

Turk: [whining] Oh, man!

Turk steps back allowing Todd to step up to the table.

Dr. Miller: Now this is your big shot, so if you don't want me to throw you out of here, you've gotta get through this whole procedure without making a single sex joke.

Todd: No problem.

Dr. Miller: All right, to really get at this, I think we need to go in from behind.

Cut to... O.R. DOORWAY Todd exits, the sound of Dr. Miller's voice chasing after him.

Dr. Miller: AND STAY OUT!

Todd ditches his cap.

Todd: Totally worth it!

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION J.D. stands watching Sean and Elliot share a private moment further down the hall. The Janitor comes up behind him.

Janitor: You're pathetic!

J.D.: What!?

Janitor: For three years I've been watching you pine after Blonde Doctor, and I gotta tell you, everyone is sick of it -- "Will they? Won't they? Looks like they're going to! Oooh, the last second, something might-- oooh oooh oooh!" Come on! Enough already! I mean, you guys aren't exactly Ross and Rachel.

J.D.: Who?

Janitor: Dr. Ross, and Rachel from Bookkeeping.

He gestures at a young Asian couple several yards off, who turn and wave.

J.D.: [waving] Mmm.

Janitor: Why don't you just let her be happy with...stunningly handsome, full-lipped guy.

J.D.: You know, I--I don't even care what you think.

The Janitor shrugs.

J.D.'s Narration: In the heat of battle, it's important to hold your ground.

Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS Mr. Corman walks past Dr. Cox on his way out.

Mr. Corman: [nodding] Doctor.

Dr. Cox approaches Dr. Kelso at the Pharmacy Window.

Dr. Cox: Well, now, Bobbo, you hooked him, you got him in the boat, but he still got away!

J.D.'s Narration: Because victory can be snatched away at the last second.

Dr. Kelso: Mr. Corman, your full body scan is on the house.

Mr. Corman stops just short of the door and turns, much to Cox's chagrin.

Mr. Corman: I'm listening.

Meanwhile... O.R. Dr. Miller pushes past Turk on her way out.

Dr. Miller: Excuse me.

Turk: Mm-hmm.

She rolls her eyes in disgust.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes you don't even know how it happened.

Confused, Turk goes out into the hall and approaches Carla, who rifling through her wedding plan binder.

Turk: Baby, I don't get it. Last night I was the golden boy, and now I'm fat flap guy. Why would Dr. Miller turn on me? I've been great in surgery, I've been nice to her...she's coming to the wedding!

Carla: No, she's not.

Turk: What?

Carla: I un-invited her.

J.D.'s Narration: Yep, it's amazing how your world can change in an instant.

Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Elliot and Sean excitedly come over to J.D. and The Janitor.

Elliot: You guys! Guess what. I just asked Sean if he would move in with me and...tell 'em what you said!

Sean: "Yes!"

Elliot: [giddy] Isn't that great!

The Janitor happily puts his arm around J.D.

Janitor: That _is_ great! Isn't that great?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Full-lipped bastard.

J.D.: [pasted grin] Great!

Sean and Elliot hug.

ActEdit

SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION J.D. and the Janitor watch Sean and Elliot go off together.

J.D.'s Thoughts: What does Sean have that I don't have?

Janitor: Don't compare yourself to him. He's better.

He gives J.D. a friendly slap on the back and goes back to work.

SceneEdit

HALL A doctor wheels Mr. Corman through in a wheelchair, the man back in a gown for his freebie scan.

Mr. Corman: Thanks for the lift. Because, for some reason on Tuesdays, my feet just swell up like Jiffy Pop bags. I'm sure it'll show up on the scan. Oh, if anything turns up green, it's probably an emerald that I swallowed from my mother's jewelry box when I was five. Gee, I'd like to get that back to her....

Suddenly, Dr. Cox relieves the doctor of his duty and spins Mr. Corman's chair around, heading in the other direction.

Mr. Corman: Hey, what's going on?

Dr. Cox: Zip it. I know a shortcut.

Mr. Corman: Help! I'm getting chair-jacked!

They pass Turk and Carla.

Carla: Okay, why are you mad? You told me to un-invite people!

Turk: So, without asking, you went to my new boss and told her you didn't want her to come to the wedding.

Carla: Nooo. I told her _we_ didn't want her to come.

She goes off down the hall. Reminiscent of the Michael Jordan fiasco, Turk starts shrieking and grabbing at his head. He goes off in another direction, passing Tommy, who stops in front of Nurse Roberts at the Nurses' Station.

Nurse Roberts: Well, hello there. Can I give you some help?

Tommy: [deep voice] My mommy said you had lollipops. Gimme a red one!

J.D. and Elliot have business here.

J.D.: So, moving in together, huh?

Elliot: Yeah.... It's a little scary.

J.D.'s Narration: And just like that I saw my window.

J.D.: It _is_ scary! You know, I knew this girl in college who moved in with her boyfriend? Everything changed -- stopped talking to each other, started fighting all the time and...you know the rest.

Elliot: They broke up?

J.D.: Oh, no, he killed her.

Elliot's eyes widen. A ringing phone is answered by a nurse, who calls over to Elliot.

Nurse: Dr. Reid? They need you to check on that stabbing victim in Room 301?

Elliot partially snaps out of it and starts down the hall.

J.D.: [whispering] Could be you!

Elliot: What?

J.D.: Nothing.

Elliot, in shock, continues down the hall. Sean comes up behind J.D.

Sean: Don't do that.

J.D.: Why are you here, Sean?

Sean: Elliot listens to you, J.D. Why are you messing with her head?

Danni passes.

Danni: It's 'cause he wants what he can't have.

J.D.: Okay, new rule! Hospitals are for doctors and sick people only! Okay?

Sean: Look, J.D., you've had so many chances, and you never stepped up to the plate. Me, I'm terrified, but I'm going for it because that's how much Elliot and I mean to each other. We work. So if you really care about her, you won't mess this up.

Point made, he walks off. Turk comes up behind J.D., all upset.

Turk: Un-invite my boss, huh? Well, we'll see how she likes it when I mess with her world, huh?

He shrieks and grabs at his head, then walks off. Totally flustered, J.D. shrieks as well, and goes off in another direction.

SceneEdit

FANCY RESTAURANT Dr. Cox is there with Mr. Corman, who is still wearing his gown.

Mr. Corman: Listen, I appreciate the lunch. But are you actually trying to convince me, an admittedly frugal hypochondriac, not to get a free full body scan?

Dr. Cox: Mr. Corman, you're not dying of anything! Although if you do try to swipe one more bite of my lamb medallions I will be forced to kill you.

Mr. Corman pulls his fork away from Cox's plate.

Mr. Corman: Well, look who never learned to share.

Dr. Cox: Listen to me! I am not losing a bet to Bob Kelso!

Mr. Corman: All this concern about my _health_ and my _well-being_, and it's about a _bet_!? You know what, that's a pretty reprehensible thing to do! Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a full body scan to take!

He throws down his napkin and leaves Perry alone there. A second later, he's back in his seat.

Mr. Corman: You drove me here. [to the waiter] I'd like to see a dessert menu, please.

SceneEdit

BAKERY Carla follows the baker through to the counter.

Baker: Miss Espinosa, it was a little difficult changing your cake at the last minute, but I was able to make it non-dairy like you requested.

Carla: My Uncle Ramon thanks you, and the rest of the people at table 3 thank you even more.

They stop in front of her cake, and Turk finally comes over.

Carla: Oh, it's perfect! Isn't it Turk?

Turk: What's up with the white people on top?

Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.

Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.

Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.

Carla: [hissing] Turk!

Turk: What? While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!

Baker: Forget it.

The baker stalks off to the back of his shop.

Turk: Where're you going? To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!

Mortified, Carla walks out. Turk, satisfied that he's successfully messed with her world, follows after, swiping his finger through the icing of one of the display cakes and licking.

Turk: Mm!

He steals another taste and exits.

SceneEdit

HALL Elliot is on her way home. J.D. approaches.

J.D.: Hey, Elliot.

She stops.

J.D.: Uh, look, I was just goofing around before...about that whole thing. I think it's great you guys are moving in together.

Elliot: Thanks, J.D. I...really needed to hear that from you.

She looks at him a moment then turns for the automatic door.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Maybe it's true that I'm someone who only wants what he can't have. But what if the thing I want is the girl I'm supposed to end up with?

J.D.: It should be me.

She stops just outside the door and spins to face him.

Elliot: What?

He walks over to her.

J.D.: Look, Elliot: Every year we bounce around this thing, and I never have the courage to stand up and tell you how I feel. I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know if I had the choice of hanging around with anyone in the entire world or staying at home with you, eating pizza and watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you every time.

She stares at him a moment.

Elliot: I.... Um.... I have to go.

The doors close between them, and J.D. drops his gaze to the floor. Elliot's face is reflected in the glass as she watches him.

SceneEdit

M.R.I. ROOM Mr. Corman is on the bed of the machine as Dr. Cox enters. He slaps the button to stop it.

Dr. Cox: Not yet, you don't.

Mr. Corman: For Pete's sake.... [sits up] Will you leave me alone?

Dr. Cox: Look! This baby would mess with a normal person's mind. So please hear me when I say that if you get this scan, it will ruin you. The next year of your life is gonna be a series of endless tests, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening to you. Even if it means giving you free medical treatment the rest of your life.

Mr. Corman: How can I believe that you even care about me?

Dr. Kelso comes in.

Dr. Kelso: How are we doing, Mr. Corman?

Dr. Cox: Oh, uh, Bob. We, uh, we just had our scan. You win.

Dr. Kelso: And...?

Dr. Kelso holds his hand up. Dr. Cox never breaks eye contact with Mr. Corman as he leans over and humbly kisses Kelso's ring.

Dr. Kelso: Now, Perry, I know that was our first date, but next time, don't be afraid to put a little feeling into it.

He leaves again.

Dr. Cox: There you go. It's damn sure not about the bet anymore. You do whatever you want.

Satisfied, he leaves.

Finger Eleven's "One Thing" comes up.

Meanwhile... PARKING LOT Carla and Turk are back from the bakery. She angrily walks ahead of him.

Turk: I cannot believe you are freaking out about this! It's a great idea!

Carla: Turk! We are not having wedding PIE!

Turk: That is so typical of you, Carla! This whole wedding has been about you, and I'll prove it!

He grabs the binder out of her arms.

Carla: Give me back my wedding planner!

She makes an attempt to grab the binder back, but he holds her off and starts reading.

Turk: Frank Sinatra as our first dance. Please, baby, that guy has only got one good song. You got...pink roses. I hate pink! Big screen TV at the reception! Big screen TV at the reception?

Carla: I knew how much you wanted to see the play-offs.

Turk: You did that for me?

J.D.'s Narration: It's amazing how one simple gesture can bring you back from the brink.

Turk pulls Carla into his arms with a soft "Baby" and kisses her.

Meanwhile... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Elliot, conflict evident on her face, comes out of the kitchen as Sean bursts in the front door.

Sean: Hey! So, U-Haul is parked outside, everything I own is in there. Well, except for this half of my salad tongs, but I-I was using it to scratch myself on the way over.

He demonstrates with a giggle. Elliot looks at him heavily.

Elliot: This isn't gonna work.

Stunned, Sean sits down on a nearby stool as she explains.

J.D.'s Narration: I guess the funny thing about love is you never know how things are gonna work out.

Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT J.D. sits on the couch, alone yet again, flipping through the TV channels.

J.D.'s Narration: Like me. I lost Elliot. But at least I went down swinging.

Suddenly, Elliot walks in the front door, a pizza box in hand.

J.D.: Elliot? What are you doing?

She plunks down next to him and opens the box, taking out a slice of pizza for herself and cuddling up to J.D.

Elliot: What are we watching?

J.D.: [stunned] 'Little House on the Prairie.'

Elliot: Mm.

Meanwhile... ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Dr. Cox is going over some paperwork as Dr. Kelso arrives, a bundle of forms in hand.

Dr. Kelso: If you're wondering what this is, Perry, it's a list of the hundreds of people who've already signed up for our full body scan.

Dr. Cox: Well, bully for you, there, Bobbo.

Kelso goes off again, leaving the forms, which Dr. Cox hurls over the desk.

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes the smallest victory is enough to get you through the day.

Mr. Corman is revealed to be sitting in the waiting area.

Mr. Corman: I didn't get the scan.

Dr. Cox: I know you didn't, Mr. Corman.

The man comes over to the desk.

Mr. Corman: Please, call me Harvey.

Dr. Cox: "Harvey Corman"?

Mr. Corman: Doesn't get me as much action as you'd think. [puts his arm on Cox's shoulder] Anyway, about that free medical care? I'm gonna need your home number. You know, just in case...

Dr. Cox: ...Just in case. Heh.

Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Turk and Carla are sharing a moment, and notice Dr. Miller a few feet away.

Carla: Do you want me to re-invite her?

Turk: Do you want her there?

Carla: No. She's too pretty. I want people looking at me.

Turk: Okay, she's out.

Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk. Meet me in the O.R.

Turk: Fat flaps?

Dr. Miller: [chuckles] You got it!

She goes on ahead. Turk kisses Carla.

Turk: I love fat flaps.

He follows after Dr. Miller.

Carla: I love _you_!

Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT J.D. and Elliot continue cuddling on the couch.

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, all I needed was Elliot.

Elliot: J.D., it's just so weird. I mean, my whole future was right there in front of me, and I just walked away. All because of you.

J.D.: Well, I think you made the right choice.

They kiss deeply.

J.D.'s Narration: I think that the problem with most people who want what they can't have is that, when they actually get the thing they covet, they don't want it anymore. But not this guy.

Elliot: Well, Dr. Dorian, you have me. You finally have me.

She snuggles close to him, and he finally takes a moment to realize what he has. The song gets cut off, suddenly replaced by horrific tones.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, my God! I DON'T WANT HER!

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