Open: Hallway. J.D. passes through.
J.D.'s Narration: If you work at a hospital long enough, you learn to expect anything. Whether it's Dr. Kim, who makes patients take their pants off, no matter what...
(Cut to exam room. Dr. Kim is examining a patient's eyes. The patient is not wearing pants.)
Dr. Kim: Yep, you've got pink-eye.
Patient: Can I put my pants back on?
Dr. Kim: Right after I put some drops in.
(Cut to patient's room. J.D. enters.)
J.D.'s narration: ...Or nobody remembering Ray Catay's eightieth birthday.
Mr. Catay: Why aren't you guys making a bigger fuss?
J.D.: Uh, I would have, Mr. Catay, but Dr. Reid is throwing a huge celebration for you later.
J.D.'s Narration: I should tell her about that. The truth is, with modern medicine, 80 isn't that big a deal anymore. It's not like the olden days.
(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. He is at pilgrim interment, wearing pilgrim clothes and a beard.)
J.D.: Let us not feel sorrow for Bobby Adams. He was 12. He lead a full life. He will be missed, especially by his beautiful wife, Jenny, who stood by him even when he turned 6 and had a midlife crisis and was caught banging one of those naked people who brought us corn.
J.D.: I'd be the oldest man in pilgrim village.
(J.D. exits Mr. Catay's room.)
J.D.'s Narration: Still, you should always celebrate life, because you never know when it's going to throw you a curve ball. Like with Dr. Cox. He recently made a decision any doctor would have made and because of it, three patients died. At first, he was inconsolably sad.
(Cut to Dr. Cox, in his car, alone. Cut to a restaurant. Jordan and Dr. Cox are eating dinner.)
J.D.'s Narration: After that, he started acting out.
(Dr. Cox stand up, upends the entire table and exits. A server enters, confused.)
Jordan: In his defense, he did ask for dressing on the side.
Dr. Cox: [offscreen] Dahpne!
(Dr. Cox throws a handful of lettuce at the server. Cut to ICU.)
Lisa: I heard that he attacked one of the busboys.
Keith: Yeah, and I heard that he bitch-slapped the maitre-d'.
J.D.: Yeah, enough, gang. That's how rumors get started. Hell, Gloria, I made a joke once that you hooked up with Leonard, the big, black security guard with the hook hand. Now everyone thinks it's true.
Gloria: It is true. And I'm never going back!
(Leonard enters and blows a kiss to Gloria with his hook.)
Leonard: Gloria! I love me some white meat.
J.D.: OK. Well, make sure to put antiseptic on any puncture wounds, OK? Now, I know Dr. Cox seems crazy mad at the world right now, but let's remember. Three patients died. What's amazing is that he can take a hit like that, one that would knock the rest of us out for good, and come out the other side still standing. That's why the man's an inspiration. I mean, he is a rock.
(J.D.'s pager goes off. Cut to patient's room. Dr. Cox is struggling with an IV.)
J.D.'s Narration: Yup, he's the best damn doctor here.
Dr. Cox: [slurred speech] Newbie, will you give me a little trouble? I'm having some help here.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, no.
Carla: All right, people, listen up. We are a family. And what do families do when one of their own is in trouble?
Elliot: When my brother, Barry, came out of the closet my parents sent him to hetero camp.
Carla: Families that aren't from Connecticut, Elliot.
J.D.'s Narration: Pregnancy had made Carla a little hormonal.
Carla: Now, Dr. Kelso, I've asked you to keep this matter away from the board. Were you able to do that, sir?
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, I was...
Carla: [interrupting] WERE YOU?!
Dr. Kelso: YES! I told them Dr. Cox was going to take a leave of absence due to problems at home. Should anyone ask, you beat him.
Jordan: Beat him, got it.
J.D.: I couldn't believe how depressed he was yesterday.
Elliot: Oh, it was so sad.
Janitor: Oh, I know. When I first heard about it was like "whoa, no way!"
J.D.: You don't even know what we're talking about.
Janitor: Sure, I do. The donkey boy up in the ICU.
Carla: We're talking about Dr. Cox.
Janitor: Oh. Well if anyone's interested, there's a donkey boy in the ICU.
Carla: No, Turk. Now, Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's also got Jack. Plus, she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: I'm dead inside.
Carla: Anyway, we're all going to spend time with him. I've made up a schedule. I've got the first shift. Unless there are any questions, this meeting is adjourned.
(Elliot raises her hand.)
Dr. Kelso: For God's sake, Reid, there's a donkey boy upstairs.
(Cut to ICU. Turk, J.D. and Dr. Kelso look in on a patient through the window. They see a boy with a donkey's head eating a carrot. In reality, it is a normal boy with large front teeth.)
Turk: Damn, that boy is going to town on that carrot.
Dr. Kelso: You fellows want to go to a real donkey show? It's really very tastefully done. I understand one of the women who entertains the donkey used to be on a soap.
Turk & J.D.: [in unison] Pass.
Dr. Kelso: Well, standing invitation, every Thursday.
J.D.: Always pass, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, uh, I'll ask Mickhead.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
J.D.: Turk, you know what bothers me? Dr. Cox shows up to work drunk and we're all acting like nothing happened.
Turk: I don't know, I kind of feel for the guy. Besides, I am way too excited. I start my orthopedic rotation today. It is going to be awesome.
(Turk exits with a swagger.)
J.D.'s Narration: Turk was psyched because orthopedic surgeons are notoriously the most unemotional, jockish surgeons of all.
(Cut to hallway. Turk, Todd and another surgeon are talking.)
J.D.'s Narration: He was finally going to have a boss he could connect with.
Dr. Stone: Hey, guys, I'm Dr. Stone. I'm your new attending. All right, fellas, hands in.
(They all put their hands in.)
Dr. Stone: Hmm..Mmm..
Turk: Dr. Stone? Usually people put their hands in, someone says "Go get 'em" or "Whoo."
Dr. Stone: No. No words yet. I want you all to get comfortable with the feeling of your brothers' hands on yours. You know, as surgeons, we're constantly opening people up and looking around, but have you ever stopped to open yourself up and look around?
(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. The doorbell rings and Jordan answers it. It is Carla.)
Carla: Hi. How's he doing?
Jordan: He's not talking and he's, you know...
(Jordan mimes drinking.)
Carla: [not getting it] What?
Jack: Daddy drinks a lot.
Jordan: First complete sentence. Fantastic. Thanks for doing this.
(Jordan and Jack exit. Dr. Cox is on the couch, drinking.)
Carla: Hey, sunshine. You gonna at least say hello? Nothing? Listen. I know you keep blaming yourself for this, but you just can't. When my mom died I thought that because I was a nurse I should have been able to prevent it somehow. But over time, I realized that bad things are going to happen. And beating yourself up isn't going to help anyone.
(Dr. Cox stands up. Carla does too, and holds out her arms.)
Carla: Oh, that's it, sweetie, come here. Come here.
(Dr. Cox gets a bottle of scotch and sits back down. Cut to OR.)
Todd: Nurse, I need you to help me to drain some fluid. But first we're gonna have to get to work on this patient.
Turk: Todd? Take the scalpel and carve this into your arm: "No nurse will ever touch your dangle."
Dr. Stone: Sh-sh-shhh, Christopher, come on.
(Dr. Stone wraps his arms around Turk.)
Dr. Stone: You know what? I think you're a little edgy because you're here on the sidelines. I know how that digs at you.
Turk: Oh yeah.
(Dr. Stone puts his hand on Turk's chest.)
Dr. Stone: It digs at you right here. That's OK. What would you say if I said you could have that big knee reconstruction later? What would you say?
(Turk pushes Dr. Stone's hand away.)
Dr. Stone: Ha! That it is! Yeah.
Turk: Right! OK.
Dr. Stone: People, let's just take a second here to think about what we just did. We fixed an elbow. Yeah. The last thing this man said to me before he went under was how much he enjoyed Sunday morning tennis. Right? And I think -- I think that's special. And we're special. This was special. Thank you.
(Cut to wash room.)
Turk: He actually said "I think that's pretty special." Then he got all emotional. How lame is that?
J.D.: That's pretty lame.
Turk: I'm just not into all of that sensitive, touchy-feely stuff.
J.D.: Well, you hug me all the time.
Turk: And even that took awhile. Remember the first time you tried to hug me?
(Flashback to J.D. and Turk in college. Turk and J.D. are watching the end of a game with their friends.)
J.D.: You're sports team's in the World Series!
(J.D. tries to hug Turk, but Turk flips him over his shoulder.)
Turk: Ha! What a game!
J.D.: A grand slam!
Turk: With Dr. Stone it's different. We're not friends. What kind of guy gets all cuddly with a guy he just met? It's pathetic.
Todd: [in the OR, over intercom] Dude, that's a little harsh.
Turk: Todd, how long have you been holding that button?
Dr. Stone: Long enough for me to hear what you really think.
Turk: Great. Is there another guy on this planet who's that sensitive?
(J.D. is now in the OR, hugging Dr. Stone.)
J.D.: OK, let it out. I got you. J.D.'s got you. Hold me tighter. Little too tight. There's a good spot.
(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Dr. Cox is staring Keith down.)
Keith: Elliot, why did I have to come?
Elliot: Because we're a couple, Keith, we do things together.
Keith: OK, uh, would it be OK if I moved? Uh, this couch is uncomfortable.
Elliot: Mm. Go.
(Keith gets up and sits across the room.)
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I am not going to pretend to know what you're going through but believe me, I've had my experiences. Remember last year, when I put my malaria patient through that painful procedure even when everyone knew he was going to die anyway?
Keith: You know what? I'm just gonna go sit in the bathroom.
Elliot: Anyway, you know what I do when I'm having a really tough time getting through things?
(Cut to Elliot's fantasy. She is wearing a sundress, walking through a meadow.)
Elliot's Voiceover: I just leave the city, get into nature and just take stock of what's important. Just make sure you don't go to a popular parachute drop zone.
(A skydiver lands on Elliot. They are covered by the parachute, which blows away revealing them to be kissing, passionately. End fantasy.)
Elliot: I don't know if it was the adrenaline rush or because I thought he was an angel but that's the fastest I've ever gone from meeting to kissing. Yep. True story.
(Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Patient: I'm just worried about this mole.
Dr. Kim: It doesn't look cancerous. Eh, get in there and take your pants off.
J.D.: You gonna go talk to Dr. Stone?
Turk: Nah, it'll blow over. Plus, he's a surgeon, and surgeons don't hold grudges. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go scrub up. And by the way, your shift with Dr. Cox starts in ten minutes.
J.D.'s Narration: Turk was right. Personal feelings shouldn't get in the way of a professional relationship. But they do.
(J.D. picks up the phone. Cut to OR. Turk enters.)
Turk: What do you say we rebuild that knee?
Dr. Stone: Actually, Dr. Turk, I think I'm going to let Dr. Norman here take the lead on this one, OK?
(Turk exits. Cut to J.D. on the phone.)
J.D.: [on phone] Look, Carla, I have a real problem with what Dr. Cox did and I don't think I can go over there.
(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Carla hangs up her phone. Elliot exits.)
Carla: I'm going to send somebody else over for you, OK? J.D. was supposed to come, but he, um...he -- he's not coming.
Open: ICU. J.D. and a couple stand outside a child's room.
J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't really worry about bailing on Dr. Cox. The Stanleys' child was sick and I just spent the last twenty minutes asking them awkward questions to rule out the possibility of child abuse.
Mrs. Stanley: Who would smother their own child?
J.D.: You'd be surprised. There's something called Munchausen Syndrome, where a parent will intentionally harm their child to get some attention on themselves.
Mrs. Stanley: I've never heard of that. Someone should do a public service announcement about it.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Hmm, someone should.
(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. J.D. gives a PSA on a backstage set.)
J.D.: You had a tough day at the office, so you come home, make yourself some dinner, smother your kids, pop in a movie, maybe have a drink. It's fun right? Wrong. Don't smother your kids.
(The words "The More You Know" appear on screen with the NBC logo. End fantasy.)
J.D.: That problem would be gone forever.
(Carla and Elliot enter.)
Carla: I am so mad at you!
Elliot: Yeah, you big jerk!
Carla: How could you stand up Dr. Cox?
Elliot: Wait, is that what we came to yell at him for?
Carla: Well, yeah. What did you think it was?
Elliot: Oh, apparently J.D. told Mr. Catay in there that I'm throwing him some big birthday party. Yeah, so when he asked where the cake was, I totally panicked and I told him we all pitched in and got him a weekend in Vegas.
Mr. Catay: [offscreen] Can I see Celine Dion?
Elliot: Oh, anything you want, Mr. Catay! [to J.D.] You're going halfsies with me on everything.
Carla: I can't believe you didn't show up at Dr. Cox's. Do you have any idea who I had to send in your place?
(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. The worthless peons are singing.)
The Worthless Peons: [singing] Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Ted: [singing]Put on a happy face,
The Worthless Peons: [singing] A happy face, reach up and part the clouds and cheer up...
Todd: Hey if you're not digging this, I've got a hundred jokes about these.
(Todd holds up a pair of decorative balls.)
The Worthless Peons: [singing] ...sunshine all over the place, just put on a happy face! Yeah!
(Cut back to ICU.)
J.D.: I'm just not down with the whole drinking and doctoring thing, OK? Excuse me.
(J.D. pushes past Elliot and Carla. Cut to Admissions Area.)
Turk: I'm never gonna get a good surgery on this rotation.
J.D.: I can help you with Dr. Stone. He's one of my people. He's a sensy.
Turk: What's a sensy?
J.D.: It's short for sensitive guy. Our music is acoustic alternative. We marvel at fireflies. And when we help a drunk girl home from the bar, sure we cop a feel. A feel of her hair as we're pulling it back so she doesn't get any vomit in it.
Turk: I'm having a weird med-school flashback. I think you held my hair back while I vomited.
J.D.: I did! That was our last year! I didn't what you to get Jagermeister in your corn rows.
Turk: My Latrell Sprewell phase.
Turk: What am I gonna do about Dr. Stone.
J.D.: You're gonna cry in front of him.
J.D.: Laugh if you must, but it'll show him you have emotional depth and it will trigger a nurturing impulse inside him that we sensies can't resist.
Turk: How the hell am I supposed to cry?
Janitor: You need to cry, let's brainstorm. I could hit you over the head with a wrench. Or, I could stab you in the gut with a knife.
(Janitor shows them a wrench with a knife attached to the handle.)
Janitor: Knife-wrench! Practical and safe.
(Janitor puts the knife end into his pocket, apparently stabbing himself.)
Janitor: Waah! OH! Ohh! Oh boy. Ahh!
J.D.: Anywho, don't worry about crying. I got this menthol from the pharmacy. I read online that actors in Hollyweird actors spray it in their eyes when they need to fake cry.
Turk: Why do you have five of them?
J.D.: Oh, I'm using it for the final death scene in my movie, Dr. Acula. Last night, my German financier, Hans, rest in peace, died on the Autobahn. So now I gotta shoot the whole thing on my cell phone.
(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. Dr. Kelso enters.)
Jordan: Hello, Bob. No cheek kiss necessary.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, good. I have pike-breath. So, uh, when was the last time I was here, '97? I know it's been awhile because Enid could still fit through that door. I shouldn't joke, she's very ill.
Jordan: I'm gonna go take a shower.
(Jordan exits. Dr. Kelso sits down.)
Dr. Kelso: Hello, Perry. I don't really know why I'm here, but Nurse Espinosa said if I didn't swing by, she would stop coming over to my house and giving instructions to my pool boy. He speaks perfect English, but he doesn't have an front teeth, so I can never look at him without laughing. Heh, heh, heh. Anyway, I don't know what she expects me to say to you. I mean, all you do is bust my ass day in and day out. I guess you -- you keep me in line on those rare occasions when I lose sight of things. You could say we balance each other out pretty well. Whew. Perry, the hospital needs you. I need you. What the hell are you doing?
Keith: Did Elliot leave without telling me?
(Jordan enters, in a bathrobe.)
Jordan: Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday.
Keith: She made me watch.
(Keith exits, quickly. Cut to parking lot. Dr. Stone gets out of his car.)
J.D.: OK, there he is. You ready?
(Janitor hits J.D. with the knife-wrench.)
J.D.: OW! He's the one who needs to cry, you idiot, not me!
(Janitor hits J.D. on the head with the knife-wrench.)
Janitor: Oh, yeah, I forgot all about that crying stuff. I was just...Oh, hey, loose thread.
(Janitor comes at J.D. with the knife end of the knife-wrench.)
Janitor: Got it. Knife-wrench! For kids.
J.D.: OK, he's hugging Colonel Doctor, which means you got about seven seconds.
Turk: A hug takes seven seconds?
J.D.: A good one does. Here's the plan. What you're gonna do is tell him a story that isn't inherently sad. That way, when you get all emotional, he's gonna think you're extra sensitive. At which point, I'm gonna nail you with the menthol and you'll be crying like a ten year old pilgrim widow. Here he comes. And, blacktion.
Turk: Dr. Stone.
Dr. Stone: Christopher.
Turk: Yeah, you know, I'm just out here thinking about my wife. She's pregnant with our first child.
J.D.'s Thoughts: And, come on, fishy, take the bait.
Dr. Stone: Children are pretty darn special. I have seven of my own and each one is just as compassionate as the next one. That is the quality that me and my six ex-wives try to instill in our children.
Turk: [pointing to his chest] It's overwhelming here.
Dr. Stone: Exactly. You know, my new wife, Carol, she's four months pregnant.
Dr. Stone: We're separated.
Dr. Stone: We are not so different, you and I.
J.D.'s Thoughts: He's not a sensy. He's a nutjob.
Dr. Stone: It's hug time, Chris. Come here.
(Dr. Stone attempts to hug Turk, but Turk throws him over his shoulder into the bushes.)
Dr. Stone: Whoa, whoa!
Turk: Old habit.
(Cut to Nurses' Station. Dr. Stone, unconscious, is wheeled by on a gurney.)
Turk: So, he has a mild concussion, and they're going to let him rest for awhile.
J.D.: Good. That gives us time to come up with a new plan.
Turk: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's it. I'm done. There's no way he and I are going to have a relationship. Not unless I want to bear his seventeenth child.
J.D.: He's your attending, you have to connect with him. You need somebody you can look up to. Someone you can count on. What you need is someone who will always have your back.
Turk: No, J.D., that's what you need. That's what you've always needed. Maybe after five years of working here, that's not such a good thing anymore. I gotta go and do my shift with Dr. Cox.
J.D.'s Narration: Right then I knew what I had to do.
(Cut to Dr. Cox's apartment. J.D. enters.)
Turk: What's up.
(Turk gets up and exits with Carla. J.D. sits down with Dr. Cox.)
J.D.: You're probably wondering why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment. And you try and keep me out. I say try, because at your Superbowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Domino's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, who ever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk. But that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time, I still think of you as like this superhero that will help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But, that's my problem, you know? And I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients. But because after 20 years of being a doctor, when things go badly, you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you, man, I mean, that's the kind of doctor I want to be.
J.D.'s Narration: Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared but I like to think that it was because of me that he was finally able to say this.
(J.D. pours a glass of scotch and takes a drink.)
Dr. Cox: You don't drink scotch.
(J.D. spits the drink out.)
J.D.: Ohhh, that's awful.
(Cut to the bar. Dr. Cox and everyone is there.)
Carla: Glad you finally shaved.
J.D.'s Narration: That's the thing about family. When you fall off the deep end, you can always count on them to rally around you. When you come back, you might get a quick hug, a pat on the shoulder...
(Elliot pats Dr. Cox on the shoulder.)
J.D.'s Narration: ...Maybe just a nod.
(Janitor nods to Dr. Cox.)
J.D.'s Narration: But no words really need to be spoken. Of course, it's always nice when they are.
(Dr. Cox comes over to J.D, sitting by himself.)
Dr. Cox: J.D....Thank you.
(Dr. Cox pats J.D on the shoulder.)