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4x23 Cotton Balls

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Faith in Humanity".

ActEdit

HALL Turk and J.D. walk through together, waving at various staffers who don't look near as thrilled to see them.

J.D.'s Narration: One of the reasons Turk and I are so popular around here is that we love helping our fellow doctors.

They arrive at... NURSES' STATION Hooch is here.

J.D.: Hey, Hooch!

Hooch: That's my name....don't wear it out.

Turk snickers.

J.D.: Classic Hooch! Listen, even though I'm not gonna be paid, I'm gonna cover your shift at the clinic tonight so you can do Mr. Schindler's endoscopy.

Turk: And I'm gonna cross-cover all of Dr. Turner's patients so Turner can assist you on the procedure.

Hooch: Why you guys going through so much trouble?

Dr. Kelso stops on his way through.

Dr. Kelso: Who's doing the endoscopy on Mr. Schindler?

Turk &: Turner and Hooch! J.D.

They laugh; Turk whoops as he points an imaginary gun. Dr. Kelso cocks an eyebrow and moves on.

J.D.: [Laughing] Were you doing Hooch?

Turk: [Laughing] Yeah!

Hooch: Everyone hates you guys.

J.D.: Oh, Hooch!

Turk: Hooch is crazy!

They throw their arms around each other and continue down the hall.

J.D.'s Narration: As much as Hooch loved us, it was even better to see Turk happy. See, he and Carla had recently started couples therapy, and I'm not sure he was enjoying it.

      • FLASHBACK***

COUPLES THERAPY Carla and Turk sit side by side on a couch in front of their therapist.

Therapist: Carla says you cry after you orgasm. Would you like to talk about that?

Turk: No, not really.

      • BACK TO PRESENT***

HALL -- A BIT LATER J.D. walks through with a chart.

J.D.'s Narration: I decided to help their marriage by moving out. Partly because Carla and I had accidentally kissed and messed things up, but mostly because it was time. Still, finding an apartment has not been easy.

He stops in front of a grieving couple.

J.D.: I'm so sorry about your father. I'm sure he lived a wonderful life at... [reading chart] 14 Maple Drive, Apartment 4B. Was he lucky enough to enjoy a washer and dryer in his unit while he was alive?

They give him a miffed look and leave.

J.D.: Ever mention any hot neighbors?

A door next to him opens and a slightly disheveled Carla steps out.

J.D.: What are you doing in the on-call room?

Turk steps out behind her, wiping his eyes.

Turk: [Weepy] Nothing.

Carla: I gotta go.

Turk: Okay.

They kiss deeply, and Carla finally goes. Turk finishes tying the drawstring on his scrub bottoms.

J.D.'s Narration: Thankfully, Turk had gotten over the whole kissing incident. Still, there's a weird new thing he does whenever he says goodbye.

Turk: Okay, I'll see you around.

He "chummily" socks J.D. in the arm -- hard -- and takes off.

J.D.: [Gripping shoulder] Agh! ...Peace, homey!

SceneEdit

ADMISSIONS -- FRONT DESK Elliot stops here, where Dr. Cox and Carla are working.

Elliot: Uh, do you guys think that Clarissa is more attractive than me?

Dr. Cox: Yes.

Elliot sighs.

Dr. Cox: Who's Clarissa?

Elliot: She's the short, balding woman in the pharmacy.

Dr. Cox: Oh, then definitely yes.

Elliot: She just got engaged. Bad comb-over and all!

Carla: When Clarissa beats you to the altar, it might be time to hang up the ovaries.

Elliot: Too mean! How am I supposed to meet a guy worth a damn working in this place?

Carla: Are the guys here really that bad?

Flash to... EMERGENCY ENTRANCE Ted, all decked out in riding gear and slightly winded, hauls his bike up the wheelchair ramp past several staffers.

Ted: Twelve minutes door-to-door! That's a personal best, sucko! [Turns to enter, but catches his bike on the doorframe.] Agh!

Flash to... OR Todd and a nurse stand at the operating table.

Todd: Nurse, suction.

Nurse: The patient's not even here yet.

Todd: [Smirking at her] I know.

Flash back to... ADMISSIONS

Elliot: I just wish once a cute, thoughtful guy would walk through the door.

Heroic music plays as a man (Jake) walks in carrying an old lady.

Jake: Hi. I need some help. My neighbor fainted and she doesn't like ambulances, so I brought her in myself.

Elliot starts to approach the guy, but is cut off by a quicker staffer named Jenny, who's all smiles.

Elliot: Let me take this one, Jenny, you've got a phone call.

Jenny: Uh, I'll call them back.

Elliot: Your mom died.

Jenny: WHAT?!

She rushes off to the desk where Carla comforts her.

Elliot: [To Jake] Her mom's fine. It's just a little running joke we have. She'll be laughing later. [Louder, to Jenny] Got you, Jenny! [Laughs weakly.]

Jenny picks her head up and looks daggers at Elliot.

Elliot: [To Jake] Dead mom jokes -- always funny. Heh.

ActEdit

I.C.U. -- PATIENT'S ROOM The old woman, Betty, has been admitted. Jake, Elliot, and J.D. stand around her bed.

J.D.: So, Betty, you're back with us. And I see you brought a young, handsome buck with ya. What are you, trying to make me jealous? You know you're my gal!

Betty: Who are you?

J.D.: I'm Dr. Dorian. Uh, I'm the one that's taken care of you the last nineteen times you've been in here. [To Jake] She's getting a little forgetful -- you know how that happens. Are you a relative?

Jake: Uh, no, neighbor. I only met her once.

Betty: It was raining, and you were wearing a blue sweater!

J.D.: That's a lovely memory, Betty. You know what else is a lovely memory -- that Sunday I spent eight hours helping you join the Wilford Brimley fan club. [Betty looks confused.] You don't remember that, do ya.

Jake: If everything's all right here, I'm kind of on my way to the airport. I'm going kayaking with some friends in New Zealand.

Elliot: Cool! So, what are you gonna do there?

Jake: Mostly kayaking.

Elliot: Ohhh.

Jake: So, uh, Betty, I'll check on you the second I get back, okay? You get better, now!

He leaves.

J.D.: So Elliot, the first thing we're gonna need to do is....

Like she's even listening -- she follows Jake out.

Betty: Is Dr. Reid coming back?

J.D.: Oh, don't worry about her, Betty, you're in good hands with Dr. Dorian.

Betty: Who's that?

J.D.: That's me! Betty, Dr. Dorian. 'Cocoon'. Wilford Brimley. Steve Guttenberg. The whole day. No?

Cut to... HALL / NURSES' STATION Elliot catches up with Jake, Carla and Dr. Cox working nearby.

Elliot: Hey, Jake. Heh. So, uh, you're probably rushing home to wipe the old person smell off before your trip, huh?

Jake: Excuse me?

Elliot: No [laughs], I'm just kidding. I love old people. Still, there's no denying they have a distinctive smell. I mean, it's nothing bad, it's like a...general mustiness.... [Stammering] Like, you know, when you get your cast taken off and...skin mold....

Carla quietly groans at how horribly this is going.

Jake: Well, I got a flight to catch. You guys need me to sign anything?

Dr. Cox: Nah. & Carla: No, you're good.

Jake: Okay, then.

He heads out.

Dr. Cox: Hat's off, there, Barbie. That was one potent combination of verbal diarrhea and stunned silence.

Carla: You should've just asked him out -- men love that.

Dr. Cox: No, Carla, men don't love that. It turns out we don't love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums, or when you drive so that we can relax, and as always we're not that big on Hugh Jackman. Lookit, the only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is The Chase. If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carefully, ignore the living hell out of him.

Carla: That's the worst advice I've ever heard!

Dr. Cox: Good point, Carla. Say, you don't happen to have any other gems you wanna lay on us before you run off to couples therapy to sift through the wreckage that is the first year of your marriage, do ya?

Elliot: Look, Dr. Cox, I'm sure that you are fantastic at picking up men, really --

Carla cackles.

Elliot: -- but I can handle this one on my own, thank you.

Jenny passes through, intentionally and gleefully shoulder-checking Elliot on her way past.

Elliot: Ow! Some people just cannot take a good "your mom's dead" joke, you know?

Dr. Cox: Ah.

SceneEdit

COUPLES THERAPY Turk and Carla are having another session.

Carla: Anyway, I worry that sometimes when I'm tense, I could be a little condescending.

Therapist: Actually, I've noticed that.

Carla: Have you really noticed it, [air quotes] Mr. Therapist?

Therapist: Chris. What's going on with you?

Turk: Nothing worth talking about.

Therapist: This is your third visit, and you've yet to say anything real about how you're feeling.

Turk: That's because I don't think there's anything wrong with our relationship.

Therapist: I think you pretend that everything's okay even though, deep down inside, a lot of things are bothering you. So, come on, tell me what you're thinking right now.

Turk: I'm staring at that picture above your head. Yeah, now, is that one of those psychological ink-blot tests where I try and figure out what it is? Because if so, I'm seeing a duck.

We finally get a look at the picture hanging on the wall -- it's a large photograph of a rubber duck.

Therapist: Let's take a break.

Carla: Yeah. & Turk: Okay.

SceneEdit

I.C.U. -- HALL Drs. Turner and Hooch walk through.

Dr. Turner: But Hooch, if the patient just has simple cellulitis, why aren't the antibiotics working?

Hooch: Dammit, Turner! It just doesn't make sense!

Cut to... BETTY'S ROOM J.D. watches out the observation window as the two doctors pass.

J.D.'s Narration: Even though I had created a super medical crime-fighting team, I felt lousy. See, I had just told Betty that her lungs had finally given out and she wasn't gonna leave the hospital this time.

Betty: So...what are my choices?

J.D.: Well, we could put you on a breathing machine, but it's unlikely you'd ever come off of it. Or I could just make sure you're as comfortable as possible.

J.D.'s Thoughts: "As comfortable as possible." I've said that a million times and I still have no idea what it means.

      • FANTASY***

BETTY'S ROOM J.D. stands waist deep in cotton balls, Betty happily nestled in among. J.D.: There you go, Betty! That's every cotton ball in the hospital!

Betty: Ohhh! I am very, very comfortable! [Giggles.]

J.D.: Then you're ready to die.

      • BACK TO REALITY***

J.D.: Look, Betty, is there anyone you'd like to talk this over with?

She thinks a moment and nods.

Cut to... PARKING LOT J.D. stands with Jake at his car.

J.D.: She just wants to talk to you for a minute.

Jake: Yeah? About what?

J.D.: Just about how and when she should die.

Jake: Oh, that's not a problem. I counsel most of my random neighbors on their deathbeds.

J.D.: Look, this woman is alone, she's depressed, and for some reason she feels like she's connected with you.

Jake: Look, I'm sorry, but I wouldn't know what to say.

J.D.: That's great! Keep it light! Open with a joke, and before you know it you and your raft will be on a four-hour trip to New Zealand!

Jake: No, it's more like fourteen hours.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh no. You're dangerously close to revealing that geography is your Achilles heel. Say something smart to regain credibility.

J.D.: Vasovagal syncope is mediated by the autonomic nervous system. And Betty needs you, pal. She does! Come on, do it. You'll feel good, trust me.

Jake: Trust you? You don't even know where New Zealand is.

J.D.: You can dance your way there from Old Zealand.

Jake: You an idiot?

J.D. doesn't have much of an answer.

SceneEdit

ADMISSIONS Elliot has work at the front desk as The Janitor comes in with an old lady in his arms.

Janitor: Elliot. My neighbor fainted too! [Chuckles.] Hey, you wanna go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing -- I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.

Elliot: Janitor. I thought we were done with this?

Janitor: I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.

Elliot: Ugh. Just...put her back in her room.

She goes off.

Janitor: She's not a patient. I got her at the mall! [To the woman] Better get you back to the food court, huh? Your husband's probably come-to by now.

The woman nods as he carries her back out.

Cut to... EMERGENCY ENTRANCE HALL Elliot freezes when she sees J.D. and Jake coming in.

Elliot's Thoughts: Oh my God, here he comes. Okay, this is easy, just compliment him -- tell him he has a square head. That's not a compliment! What shape is a compliment? Triangle? Uh, pyramid? Circle! Circle head! Oh my God, you're stuck on shapes and Square-Head's almost here! To hell with it, just do what Dr. Cox said and ignore him.

She throws herself against the wall and assumes an expression of boredom.

Jake: Hey, Elliot.

Elliot: Mm.

The guys round the corner to the elevator. Elliot pokes her head around to spy.

Jake: So that girl's kinda cute, what's her story?

Behind him, Elliot rejoices.

J.D.: She's a dude.

Elliot freaks and runs away.

Jake: Nuh-uh.

J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

SceneEdit

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Turk and Todd are here.

Turk: Couples therapy is killing me.

Todd: I don't know how you do it -- make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?

Turk: That's not couples therapy, Todd.

Todd: Then what did I do?

Turk: You did amateur porn!

Todd: Sweet!

J.D. and Jake arrive.

Turk: J.D., you got a sec?

J.D.: Sure. [To Jake] I'll be with you in a minute, man.

Jake: Okay.

He goes in to Betty's room as J.D. heads over to Turk.

Turk: So check this out: Our therapist says I'm the type of guy who pretends everything's okay even when I'm upset deep down inside.

J.D.: Well, I think that's true. I mean, if you look at the whole Carla kissing thing, I think intellectually you moved on, but emotionally you're still upset. You'll get there, though, pal.

Turk: I'm not upset!

J.D.: Really? Oh, okay. I'll see you later. Bye.

Turk socks him in the arm.

J.D.: Ow! You see!

Turk: See what?

J.D.: Let's try it again. I'll see you later, buddy. Bye!

Turk: Bye.

Turk socks him again.

J.D.: OW! Always the same spot! It's like your fingers are stone! Last time: I'll see you later. Buh-- [Turk raises his fist.] Hey! Look at yourself!

Turk: [Finally aware] I've been hitting you.

J.D.: Yeah, you're like the brown Hulk.

He leaves Turk to digest that.

Follow to... BETTY'S ROOM J.D. enters.

J.D.: Hey. How's it going in here, you two?

He picks up his sore arm and drapes it over Jake's shoulder.

Jake: Oh, pretty good. Pretty good. We, uh, we talked about her past. Betty even let me in on a few of her romantic trysts from her younger days -- you familiar with Mr. David Brinkley?

J.D.: No way!

Jake: Yeah.

Betty grins impishly.

Betty: Betty!

Jake: [Laughs.] And when we finally got down to talking for real, well, it became pretty obvious that...Betty had already made a decision.

J.D.: Okay.

Narration: The thing that impressed me most about Jake -- besides his perfectly square head -- was that he faced this whole Betty thing straight on.

Meanwhile... HALL / ELEVATOR Elliot disembarks, celebrating to herself.

Elliot: He thinks I'm cute. He thinks I'm cah-yute. He thinks I'm cute, he thinks I'm cute, he thinks I'm cute...

She continues celebrating, but is drowned out by...

J.D.'s Narration: ...He didn't hide because he was afraid to admit someone was right...

So lost in herself, Elliot doesn't notice Dr. Cox step up behind her.

Elliot: ...I'm cute.

Dr. Cox: Barbie? Why so happy?

Elliot: [Straightening up] No reason.

Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Turk is hanging out here with Carla.

J.D.'s Narration: ...He didn't run because he was scared of facing his own feelings...

Turk: Baby, I'm not gonna be able to make therapy tonight. I got surgery.

Carla: Fine.

Meanwhile... HALL J.D. and Jake leave Betty's room.

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, he wouldn't've been able to do it if it weren't for his secret weapon...

J.D.: Dr. John Dorian.

Jake: What?

J.D.: Wha?

Jake: You just said your name in a weird kinda summing-up way.

J.D.: No I didn't, Jake.

A silver-haired man soon to be known as Dennis approaches them.

Dennis: Ah, so you're Jake! Uh, as I understand it, you just talked my sister into ending her life. Long story short: I'm a lawyer, I'm suing you. Once again: Sister dying, brother lawyer, suing you!

He storms off.

J.D.: See, that's summing up in a weird way.

Jake: Yeah.

J.D.: [Mumbly mocking the brother] "Brother lawyer." That's it.


ActEdit

HALL The scene resumes.

Jake: I can't believe this is happening.

J.D.: Everything's gonna be fine, you just trust me.

Ted arrives.

Ted: Is that him?

J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.

Ted: Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!

J.D.: No, no, Ted, we're on his side.

Ted: [Pulling something from his jacket] Oh. Here's my card.

Jake: This is a post-it.

Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.

J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.

Ted leaves.

Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.

J.D.: [Takes the post-it.] "Buy Groceries. Kill Self."

Jake: Just admit it -- you're just here from the future to destroy me.

J.D.: I am not from the future, Jake! [To a passing staffer] Gesundheit, Carol!

The woman sneezes.

J.D.: Yes! It finally worked! What are the odds?

Jake: I don't know what the odds are, J.D., but what I do know is I'm about to go down to my truck, get my kayak paddle, and go Greg Barton on your ass.

J.D.: Who's Greg Barton?

Jake: He's a famous kayaker.

J.D.: Oh, Greg Barton!

Jake: I hate you, J.D.

J.D.: I know.


SceneEdit

NURSES' STATION Elliot strides over where Dr. Cox and Carla are working.

Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done, and I was a cutter for a week in high school -- my shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that is a whole other story. The point is your advice really worked with Jake, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me some more help.

Dr. Cox: [Writing in a pad] Oh, no problem Barbie. Let me just finish writing this, uh, prescription. You'll be all squared away.

He rips off the slip and hands it to her.

Elliot: This a prescription for "no."

Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. It's to be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.

Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here! I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether!

Dr. Cox: And on behalf of men everywhere -- and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts -- let me be the first to say thanks and alleluia!

Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?

Elliot: He doesn't have one.

Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?

Elliot: [Bitter] A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.

Dr. Cox: OHHHH! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is "a giant ego"! I have a giant ego!

Elliot: Dammit! I knew that!

Carla: Would you just appeal to it so I can go get something to eat?

Elliot: You're...amazing.

Dr. Cox: And I'm in!

He throws his arm around her and leads her down the hall.

Elliot: Oh! Ah!


SceneEdit

ASSIGNMENT BOARD J.D. watches Dr. Kelso remove the "RNER" part of Dr. Turner's name and replace it with "RK" next to Hooch's name.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.

Dr. Kelso: I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want. [Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs.] You look ridiculous.

He leaves, passing the approaching Turk.

Turk: I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?

J.D.: I didn't do this, Kelso did!

Turk: You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?

J.D.: [Wipes his mouth, only making the mark worse.] Enough with the mustaches, dude! Are you responsible for breaking up Turner and Hooch?

Turk: I need an excuse to get out of couples counseling. Dude, I can't open up, man, I just can't do it. Besides, this way no one gets hurt.

Over at the board, Turner and Hooch stare wide-eyed at the change.

Dr. Turner: We had a hell of a run, man.

Hooch: [Emotional] Just get outta here.

Turner leaves, and Hooch almost breaks down.


SceneEdit

CAFETERIA J.D. and Jake are at a table having coffee.

Jake: Well, maybe I should just go talk to him.

J.D.: Forget Dennis, he's a horrible person, okay? We'll never be able to change his mind. We need to focus on Betty, okay? We'll just have her explain how she feels, problem solved. [Receives a note from a staffer.] Betty's in a coma. You know what? I'm gonna talk to Dennis -- he seems like a reasonable guy.

He gets up and leaves. Elliot stops at Jake's table.

Elliot: Hey, Jake. How's it goin'?

Jake: Oh, heh, I've had better days. How are you?

      • FLASHBACK***

HALL Dr. Cox throws his arm around Elliot and leads her down the hall. Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Barbacious, you gotta stay the course here. You gotta keep ignoring him.

Elliot: But I am already ignoring him. How do I ignore him more?

Dr. Cox: Aha. Piece of cake. First you engage him, then you ignore him.

      • BACK TO PRESENT***

Jake: Elliot? I said, How are you?

Elliot: I actually don't have time for this, okay? I'm a doctor!

Jake: But you asked me how I was.

Elliot: Yeah, trying to save lives here. It's not always about you!

She leaves. The Janitor approaches, a large cloth sack over his shoulder.

Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.

Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What'd you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'Cause if you hurt her....

Jake: I didn't say anything! Everyone around here is crazy.

Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you....

He drops the bag at his feet.

Jake: Bag of rats? Those alive?

Janitor: Most of 'em are. I put a dead one in the middle, that way all the live ones get a good look at him, they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?

Jake: I very much don't.

Janitor: Pretty simple. Take a canvas bag....

He takes up the bag to find a frayed hole at the bottom.

Janitor: Jailbreak!


SceneEdit

I.C.U. J.D. and Dennis stand outside Betty's room.

J.D.: Look, you're gonna do whatever you want with your sister, but Jake's just trying to help. He's a stand-up guy, I think you should leave him alone. If you do, I think it would be dy-no-mite! Sorry, I was just watching 'Good Times' in the doctors' lounge.

Dennis: Yeah. I'm gonna screw him to the wall.

He walks off. J.D. heads over to the Nurses' Station, where Dr. Kelso is working.

J.D.: Can you believe this guy?

Dr. Kelso: Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her!

J.D.: Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.

Dr. Kelso: I didn't say it wasn't funny; I just said it happened. Come on, when's the last time you saw a glimpse of humanity in this place.

J.D. sighs and heads down the hall.

J.D.'s Narration: Kelso had a point. I mean, in the outside world you'll occasionally see a stream of cars drive by an old woman with a flat tire. But around here, every time you round a corner, well...

He passes a couple talking to a doctor, the woman's face bruised and swollen.

Husband: She fell again.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Anyway, I knew what I had to do.

Cut to... ADMISSIONS J.D. talks to Jake.

J.D.: Just go, Jake! No one here knows your last name -- if anything happens, he'll never be able to find you. Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand -- which, incidentally, is ten thousand miles east of Australia, and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.

Jake: [Sneering] You've been brushing up on New England.

J.D.: Oh. Well go, anyway, wherever it is you're rafting.

Jake leaves just as Dr. Cox leads Elliot in.

Dr. Cox: [Whistles sharply.] Where's he going?

J.D.: He just left!

He runs off. Elliot sighs.

Dr. Cox: Barbie. Go get him! I...believe in you?

Elliot: Nnnno, you don't. You just want me to go and embarrass myself so you can laugh at me! Just like the time you told me the hospital fund-raiser was a costume party! I walked into a black-tie dinner dressed as Clarence Thomas....

Dr. Cox: I was in a costume, too.

Elliot: You...wore an Armani tux.

Dr. Cox: I went as someone who doesn't make a fool out of himself. How'd you not get that?

Elliot turns on her heel and shrieks in frustration.


SceneEdit

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION J.D. and Turk hang out where Drs. Kelso and Cox work and Dennis is on his cell phone.

Dennis: [On phone] Thank you. [Hangs up.] I just got my sister into the hospital across town so I can finally get her out of this hell-hole.

Dr. Kelso: Hey! I personally see to it that every inch of this building is up to the highest standards and codes!

Just then a stream of escaped rats scurry past his feet.

Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just bad timing!

The Janitor chases after with a baseball bat.

Janitor: Come back here! Sorry!

When he hits the populated Nurses Station, he innocently hums and strolls through, then picks up his chase.

Janitor: Come on, fellas!

J.D.'s Narration: And then something surprising happened.

The heroic music signals Jake's return. He clears his throat as he steps up to Dennis.

Dennis: Well, look who's back.

Jake: Look, buddy, I, uh, I barely know your sister, and I certainly don't know you, but like it or not, she told me what she wanted and I'm gonna honor that. Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and stay here 'til I can figure out a way to make you understand that, even if I have to get myself a lawyer.

Ted leans in with a post-it.

Jake: Not you.

The Janitor returns.

Janitor: [Panting] They're smart, they are organized...and they've got my keys!

~ Bang's "Closer to Spring" comes up. ~

J.D.'s Narration: It's amazing how a selfless gesture can affect so many people. One man saw someone who didn't run away from a problem and found the courage to do the same.

Cut to... COUPLES COUNSELING Turk and Carla are having another session.

Turk: I've got something I'd like to share today.

Carla: Really?

Turk: Yeah. I don't like it when Carla pinches my nipples when we're having sex. Baby, that's--that's one of the reasons why I cry -- because you pinch them too hard, and it hurts.

Cut to... I.C.U. Dennis and J.D. look into Betty's room, where the woman sleeps.

J.D.'s Narration: One man was pushed to make the right decision.

Dennis: Just make her as comfortable as possible.

Cut to... WHEELCHAIR RAMP Dr. Cox joins Elliot out here.

J.D.'s Narration: And another man realized it's okay to be a decent human being for once.

Dr. Cox: Well, he's definitely leaving for good this time, there, Barbie. I'd, uh, I say go for it.

Elliot: Why won't you leave me alone?

Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know.... Maybe because the NHL is on strike and I'm not getting my fill of toothless men knocking the hell out of each other. Or, maybe because for the first time in four years I'd actually like to see you happy for a change. You believe whatever you want, I don't really care. Jake the Snake is bearing down on you, and if I were you, I'd step up to him, look him straight in the eye with those beautiful blues, and...invite him out for a cup of coffee before he escapes.

She approaches Jake as he exits.

Elliot: Hey, um...can I buy you a cup of coffee before you escape?

Jake: What, now?

Elliot: I me--I mean "go"?

Jake: Yeah, that'd be nice.

Elliot: [Smiling] Great.

They head back in.

Dr. Cox: That's a cute couple. I give 'em a week.

The Janitor pops up from the other side on the handrail, a garbage bag in hand.

Janitor: I can make sure of that. [Lifting bag] Rat?

Dr. Cox: No, thanks.

A short balding woman passes Elliot and Jake on her way out.

Elliot: Oh, congratulations, Clarissa!

Cut to... STREET J.D. and a group of guys stand on the roadside next to an old woman's car.

J.D.'s Narration: As for me, seeing Jake come back and do the right thing restored my faith in humanity.

Lady: I can't believe that six young men stopped to help an old lady change a tire!

J.D.: And don't you forget who put that tire on and tightened those lugnuts, Martha! Okay, sweetie, have fun at the swap-meet! Drive safe.

He drops the lugwrench onto the passenger seat and the woman drives off.

J.D.'s Narration: Yep. It sure feels good to do the right thing.

As the car pulls away, the tire wobbles off, sending a shower of sparks.

J.D.: [Shrugging to the guys] Righty loosey, lefty tighty.

He drives off on his scooter.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, "righty tighty! lefty loosey!" Ohhhh, man. It still feels good.

Song ends. Fade to black.

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