Open: The bar.
J.D's Narration: Now that Elliot and Keith were serious, she started buying him gifts.
(Keith opens a box from Elliot.)
Keith: Ooh. It's a mouth harp, awesome!
J.D.'s Narration: Keith was shockingly good at pretending to like crappy presents, but you know what he was best at?
(J.D. dumps a bowl of popcorn on the floor.)
J.D.: Keith, we need more popcorn. Yeah.
J.D.'s Narration: Being girl bait.
(Keith takes the bowl over to the bar, where a group of girls begin to check him out.)
J.D.'s Narration: Here's how it goes down. Keith comes back. Elliot marks her territory so the girls know he's taken, and I just pick off one of the smaller, weaker ones that come by for a look-see.
(The group of girls walk by as Elliot, kissing Keith, motions for them to keep moving.)
J.D.: I'm a doctor. I'm a land-owner. Burt Reynolds is my father. I love sports.
(J.D. dumps the popcorn on the floor as the last girl walks past.)
J.D.: Keith, more popcorn.
(A girl taps J.D. on the shoulder. She shakes her hair, and a "boinng" is heard. It turns out to be Elliot demonstrating the mouth harp.)
Elliot: See? That's how it works.
Girl: You have the cutest hair!
J.D.: These old rags?
(Cut to a counselor's office. Turk and Carla are visiting for a consultation.)
Dr. Marston: OK, OK, so you're both, um, fertile, yet you're still unable to conceive, so how often do you make love?
Turk: Twice today.
Carla: Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.
Turk: Oh, wow, that really happened?
Turk: Huh, I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.
Carla: He is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.
Turk: Cirque du Soleil freaky. One time, she was skinless.
Dr. Marston: OK, stress is often a factor in conception. So tell me, do you think stress might be an issue?
(Flashback: Turk's and Carla's apartment - bedroom)
Carla: I swear, if you don't knock me up tonight, no more sex until you steal me a baby. So do it right this time.
(End flashback. Carla indicates "a little" with her fingers.)
Turk: A little stress.
(Cut to patient's room.)
Dr. Cox: OK, the antibiotics have brought your fever down, is there anything else I can do for you?
Mr. Russell: Yeah, I'm auditioning for my church's senior citizen production of Streetcar Named Desire. Would you mind running lines with me?
(Mr. Russell hands Dr. Cox a script.)
Dr. Cox: I'd be happy to.
Mr. Russell: [reading his script] If I didn't know you was my wife's sister, I'd get ideas about you.
Dr. Cox: [mechanically, pretending to read the script] I can't believe you'd think I'd do this with you. Are you insane? Seriously, I'm a doctor.
Mr. Russell: What page are you on?
(Dr. Cox groans, tosses the script aside and exits the room.)
J.D.: Why didn't you just read lines with the old guy?
Dr. Cox: My job is to make sick people better, not to help Bernie in there score a slice of Episcopalian tail on opening night.
J.D.: Sometimes you gotta go the extra mile with patients. That's what makes me such a special doctor.
Dr. Cox: That, and your amazing ability to switch back and forth seamlessly between male and female genitalia.
(J.D. is about to go to one his fantasies, but is interrupted by Dr. Cox.)
Dr. Cox: Newbie, snap out of it. I don't have time for your daydreaming.
J.D.: Personally, me, I believe that medicine is about more than just treating the disease. You gotta be there for people. Take Mrs. Cohen, right? When she broke her hip I treated that, but she had also left her car double-parked, so being an "extra mile" kinda guy, I went and took car of it.
(Flashback: A street. A car is double parked in the road. A giant monster truck drives over it and parks on top of it. A shocked couple stare.)
J.D.: Sorry. It's been a little while since I drove stick.
J.D.: I wonder how she got out of that truck. That's how she broke her hip.
Open: Nurses' Station.
J.D.: Look, all I'm saying is it's important to go the extra mile with patients. It's like what I was telling this girl last night.
Dr. Cox: Why would you tell her that?
J.D.: I didn't. I just wanted to show you who I'm going out with tonight.
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, there's a reason I can't go the extra mile with patients. It's something personal.
J.D.: You can confide in me.
Dr. Cox: I'm a *good* doctor. Kelly Rippa!
(Dr. Cox exits. J.D. enters a patient's room with a chart.)
J.D.'s Narration: It didn't bother me that Dr. Cox just "Kelly Rippa'd" me because I knew it would never catch on, no matter how much he wanted it to. This, however, did upset me.
J.D.: Uh, Carol, we got the bone marrow biopsy back and, uh, I'm afraid you have leukemia.
J.D.: Yes, but the good news is it's very treatable. We just have to get started right away.
(Cut to Dr. Cox and Turk, watching from the Nurses' Station.)
Dr. Cox: You know, in four and a half years, I've watched your pal, Stephanie, go through a multitude of irritating fads. The Ugg boots, the campaign for better grammar among the staff, and of course, double European air kiss, and seeing as you two are sorority sisters, I was kinda hoping you could tell me when this extra mile crap is going to end.
Turk: Oh, it's never gonna end. He's relentless. Why do you think I was out Sunday Morning buying comics for my patient?
Dr. Cox: They were giving out free Tastykakes at the comic book store? Ah HA! [pause] That used to work better when you were a fat load. Dammit.
(Dr. Cox exits. Turk enters his patient's room.)
Turk: All right Jake, here it is. The latest "Vengeance." I had to travel to five stores to find that.
Jake: This is last month's.
Turk: Look, I'll track down a new one for you later, but right now I gotta make sure I have a job next year. OK?
(Turk exits the room.)
J.D.'s Narration: Since there were only three attending spots for ten surgical residents, Dr. Kelso could basically treat them like his own personal valets.
(Cut to parking lot. Dr. Kelso steps out of his car. Turk, Todd and other surgical residents appear and begin washing the car. Cut to Dr. Kelso, walking his dog. Turk follows behind the dog with a plastic bag. Cut to Nurses' Station. Dr. Kelso looks for a pen. The surgical residents all offer his one. Turk turns his pen around to reveal a large lollipop taped to the end. Cut to Nurses' Station, later. Dr. Kelso has nearly finished the lollipop.)
Dr. Kelso: All-day sucker my ass. Try twenty minutes.
(Dr. Kelso bites off the last piece.)
Carla: Sir, quick question?
Dr. Kelso: Make it very quick, I'm about to vomit.
Carla: Why was I told to drop everything and look after some new patient coming in?
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Sommers is a cousin of one of the trustees. Not important enough to warrant any face time with me, but connected enough that if one of those ding-dongs kills him, it will be my ass.
J.D.: Carla, can you cover my patients?
Dr. Kelso: She's already watching someone for me.
J.D.: All right, I'll find somebody else.
Carla: Why? Because I'm just a nurse and I can't look after everybody?
Dr. Kelso: Precisely.
Carla: J.D., why don't you tell me whats wrong with your patient, Mrs. Jones?
(J.D. opens his chart. Carla shuts it.)
Carla: Without looking at her chart?
J.D.'s Narration: Carla knew that without their charts, doctors didn't know much about their patients.
(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy. Exam room.)
J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again?
(A kitten's head is sticking out of Mr. Barry's mouth.)
J.D.: Oh, that's right, you have a kitty-cat stuck in your mouth.
J.D.: Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy? Gootchie, gootchie.
J.D.: It's not like nurses know everything.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Uh-oh. Carla's gearing up to explode. Save yourself. Attempt a casual side-switch.
(J.D. shuffles over next to Carla.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: And you're there. Now angry at Kelso.
J.D.: Bob, how dare you?
Carla: Exactly! You're worried about what I can handle? Vascular surgery wants an update every two hours on bed one. I'm weaning Mrs. Jones' dopamine from ten mics to five, Mrs. Meyersons's abdominal wound is dehiscing and Mr. Wilder's about to be turfed to psych because he thinks he's Flo from Alice.
Mr. Wilder: Kiss my grits!
Carla: Exactly, Flo, exactly.
J.D.: I hoped you learned something today.
(J.D. exits. Cut to Nurses' Station.)
Dr. Cox: Get a load of Mr. Extra-Mile-Guy's leukemia patient sitting there all by herself. Knowing him, he's probably out getting her a cake shaped like a cancerous white blood cell.
(J.D. enters, followed by a group of people.)
J.D.: All right, team, let's stay close. Come on. Carol! Look who I found!
(They enter Carol's room.)
Carol: Larry? Dad? How...?
J.D.: Well, right after I got your test results back, I got on the horn with your dad and we started a phone tree to find everyone. There were some tears, mostly mine, but we got it done.
Carol: You are the most amazing doctor.
J.D.: Hear that, Perry? I'm the most amazing doctor because I went the extra 5280 feet. What's that? That's right, it's a mile. And how does that make me feel? Keith!
(Mouth harp boing.)
J.D.: Thank you.
(Cut to cafeteria. Dr. Kelso enters with a box.)
Dr. Kelso: Attention, surgical residents still hoping to have a job next year. The annual blood drive is upon us and I will be needing a volunteer to greet our donors as the hospital's new mascot, the friendly hypodermic needle, Mr. Prick.
(Dr. Kelso assembles the mascot costume as he speaks.)
Dr. Kelso: [pause] We'll probably change the name.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
Turk: I'm so sick of this. If the jobs were given to whoever's the best surgeon I would get all three of those damn spots.
Elliot: It's the same on the medical side. I swear, the only the only reason I got that oncology rotation is because I let Dr. Morgan take me as his date his brother's wedding.
Turk: Ricky Morgan?
Turk: He works in the cafeteria.
Elliot: Listen, kissing ass is the way it's done around here and there's nothing you can do about it.
(Cut to OR. Turk addresses the surgical residents.)
Turk: We have to all band together and agree not to be exploited by Dr. Kelso. From now on, we'll only be judged by our skill and abilities. Who's with me? That's right! That's right!
(They all put their hands in.)
Turk: From here on out, no more getting him coffee, no more washing his car, [to Todd] no more taking his son to the local steam baths to meet men!
Todd: Well, hey, you guys got him coffee.
Turk: Together on three. One, two, three.
All: [in unison] Together!!
(Cut to ICU.)
Mr. Sommers: What are you doing?
Carla: Chief of Medicine said to pay special attention to you and I like to take a couple of seconds to get to know my patients. So first question: Are you allergic to any --
Janitor: [interrupting] Psst!
Janitor: I need some advice.
(Janitor is standing next to a tie rack, and shows her two ties.)
Janitor: Which do you prefer?
Carla: What's the occasion?
Janitor: Me, wiping up gunk. I was cleaning Kelso's tie rack and I assumed I could have it. I find the Armani is very effective on urine, whereas the Yves Saint-Laurent is good for--
Carla: [interrupting] No, no.
(Carla turns around to find Mr. Summers gone.)
Carla: What? Where'd he go?
(Cut to Carol's room.)
J.D.'s Narration: Carol's family had welcomed me as one of their own. No more so than her brother, Larry.
(Larry is spinning J.D. around on his shoulder.)
Larry: I told you not to call me Lawrence.
J.D.: And I told you I never get dizzy!
(Larry puts J.D. down and J.D. stumbles into the wall.)
J.D.: OK, let me tell you guys why we're here. Carol is starting a journey, OK? Obviously the chemo is gonna be tough, but we're all here for you. Anything you go through, we go through together.
(Cut to hallway. The surgical residents are confronting Dr. Kelso.)
Dr. Kelso: So. You've all banded together. I honestly never thought I'd see the day when we would pick the three surgeons who would care for the people of this great hospital based solely on merit. I hope you're proud of yourselves.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
Dr. Wen: This is a preliminary ranking of your technical skills. So, whenever you get a chance.
(Dr. Wen posts the list on a bulletin board and exits. The residents push and shove to crowd around it.)
J.D.'s Narration: Life in a hospital is constantly humbling. Whether it's making you realize you're not as skilled as you thought...
Turk: Fourth?! I'm fourth!
(Cut to hallway.)
J.D.'s Narration: ...or as on the ball as you thought.
Dr. Kelso: How's Mr. Sommers doing?
Janitor: Actually, sir--
(Carla elbows him in the groin.)
Carla: He's perfectly fine, sir, he's in tip-top shape.
Dr. Kelso: Good.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
Carla: Ow! What are you wearing, a cup?
Janitor: Well, people try to hit me there more than you'd think.
(Carla exits. Janitor taps the cup his is wearing. Cut to Carol's room.)
J.D.'s Narration: The key is to be ready for it.
(J.D. enters. Everyone has shaved their heads.)
J.D.: I was not ready for this.
Larry: Since Carol's going to lose all her hair in chemo, we decided we'd all shave our heads now. He even agreed to do the cutting.
(Larry points to Dr. Cox.)
Dr. Cox: You're up next, there, big guy. I mean, come on. You're all in this together, right?
(Dr. Cox turns on an electric clipper.)
Open: Carol's room.
J.D.: I can't believe you all shaved your heads. Oh, great, even Nana. You don't look creepy, or alien-like at all.
Dr. Cox: Are you ready to run the extra mile?
J.D.'s Thoughts: You can't let him know that you don't want to do this. Meet his gaze. Meet it twice as hard!
(A nurse enters.)
Nurse: Dr. Dorian, we need you. Mr. Bentley's condition is getting worse.
J.D.'s Thoughts: God bless his herpes.
J.D.: I'm going to go take care of that man and when I come back...
J.D.'s Thoughts: Pause for effect. Pause for effect.
J.D.: We're gonna shave this thing.
(Cut to hallway where Dr. Wen has posted the rankings.)
Turk: How the hell could I be fourth? I know Bonnie's good, and Figsack has mad hands, but somehow I keep forgetting that Todd is a skilled surgeon.
Todd: Hey, how come you didn't page me back about that surgical consult?
Elliot: I did. You're wearing your garage door opener on your hip.
Turk: Ladies and gentlemen, number two.
(Elliot and the rest of the surgical residents applaud. Cut to Nurses' Station. Janitor is wiping the counter with a tie.)
Carla: Kelso's gonna kill me. I can't find Mr. Summer.
Janitor: Did you look between Mr. Spring and Mr. Fall? Ha ha! Too easy.
Carla: Hey, you know wha--?
(Carla pokes Janitor in the stomach.)
Carla: More armor?
Janitor: No, actually, I um, sneaking trays out of the cafeteria. I'm building a shed.
Carla: This is partially your fault, so you're gonna help me find him.
Doug: You know, whenever I lose something in the morgue, I just retrace my steps. Like right now, I'm looking for something, and I know I came to the vending machine, and then I dropped a quarter, which rolled over here and yep, there you are.
(Doug finds a body bag behind the vending machine.)
Doug: As soon as you take your eyes off them, you lose them. They're like children. Big, dead children.
(Doug drags the body bag off. Cut to cafeteria. J.D. is showing Elliot the girl on his phone.)
Elliot: Oh my God, I treated that girl at the free clinic. She was born without nipples.
J.D.: I knew there had to be something wrong with her, she's too perfect!
Elliot: I was kidding, J.D. I have never seen her in my life. Kelly Rippa!
(Elliot exits and Dr. cox enters.)
Dr. Cox: I told you it would catch on.
J.D.: I don't think it's funny.
Dr. Cox: How's that leukemia patient of yours doing?
J.D.: I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me. It think it might accentuate my spoon chest.
Dr. Cox: Mm.
J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
Dr. Cox: She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair.
(Flashback to the bar.)
Girl: If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you.
J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into.
(Flashback to the bar.)
Girl: No, there's nothing else.
J.D.: There is, even if she won't admit it. You know what, I'm stuck, man. I have to shave this down.
Dr. Cox: No you don't. You don't have to go the extra mile. That's what I've been trying to tell you. What the hell happened to the days when you used to listen to me?
J.D.: That was a long time ago. Maybe you should listen to me for once.
Dr. Cox: Not in this lifetime. Listen, Newbie, you're not a completely terrible, horrible, incompetent doctor and while I would never let any of my blood relatives be your patient, if it was someone that I knew, an acquaintance, I might be OK with you treating them.
J.D.: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: The only thing you owe Carol is to treat her the best you can.
(Cut to Carol's room. J.D. watches from outside. Larry enters.)
Larry: Hey, where you been?
J.D.: Oh, Larry, man, I don't think I can shave my head.
Larry: What about Carol?
J.D.: She'll be OK. She has all you guys.
(Cut to hospital parking lot. It is a hive of activity with the blood drive going on.)
Carla: You look over there.
(Janitor exits. Turk enters from behind Carla.)
Turk: [in Mr. Prick costume.] Excuse me, nurse? Hi, how about a poke?
Carla: I have a husband, OK? And he's big and he's black and he's --
Turk: [interrupting] Baby! Baby, it's me. And I do love that you go to that big and black stuff.
Carla: I can't wait to bear the fruit of your loins.
Turk: W- Baby, wait! This is the only way I can I can suck up to Kelso without the other surgeons knowing about it!
(Janitor enters and takes the top off of the costume.)
Janitor: There you are. You're not Mr. Sommers.
Turk: No, I'm not.
Janitor: No, I'm not.
(Janitor exits. Turk turns around and sees the rest of the surgeons glaring at him.)
Turk: Wassup? Wit..Wit y'all?
(Turk puts the top of the costume back on and runs away as th surgeons chase him. Cut to Jake's room. Turk enters, dripping in sweat.)
Jake: Dr. Turk, what happened to you?
Turk: I found the latest issue of "Vengeance" at a comic book store a mile and half away. Here you go. Actually, I ran there in a foam needle suit, but you don't care.
Jake: Thanks, Dr. Turk.
(Turk exits the room.)
Dr. Wen: Christopher, I heard you were sweating the rankings.
Turk: No. I'm married and trying to have a baby. Not having a job would be a big boost for me.
Dr. Wen: You're a good surgeon. Plus, your bedside manner is really important. There's no one on that list who spends more time with their patients as you do.
Turk: Are you saying I have a job? If you are trying to Kelly Rippa me right now, I will freak out.
(Dr. Wen pats Turk on the shoulder and exits.)
Turk: Haha. I got a job!
(Cut to ICU.)
Janitor: Well, the good news is, his head isn't in the storage room. Because I once found a head in the storage room. It's a funny story actually. I put it in my locker because I didn't have time to get down to lost and found. Went on a long weekend and forgot all about it. Come back on Monday, open my locker, whooaaa! Head, plus rats! I panicked. I didn't know what to do, so I grabbed it and I ran up to the roof and I punt it! And I shank it wide left, like I always do. Now, it's heading right down to where Kelso is sitting in his convertible. I'm done. I'm out of a job, right? Wrong! At that second, a hawk flies in and grabs the thing and flies off with it. I know what you're thinking: we're in the middle of a city, what's a hawk doing there?
Carla: I can't believe you get a locker and I don't.
(Elliot and Ricky Morgan (wearing a lab coat) enter.)
Ricky Morgan: Dr. Reid? I need to meet you in radiology to, you know, go over some test results.
Elliot: Yeah, it's over, Ricky.
Ricky Morgan: I know you're stealing trays. Stop it.
Janitor: Buzz off.
(Ricky Morgan exits.)
Elliot: Carla, the orderly lost my chart for Mr. Tyler in 406. Would we have his dosages in here somewhere?
Carla: You were gonna put him on penicillin, but he was allergic so put him on a gram of engemycin.
Elliot: Thank you.
Janitor: You should put some of that crazy nurse memory to use on our missing dude.
Carla: Well, he was an older guy. And he was on an IV so he couldn't have gotten very far.
(As Carla retraces her steps, an image of Mr. Sommers appears in the bed.)
Carla: He was jittery. And he had this weird circle tanline on his arm. It was the nicotine patch! He was trying to quit smoking.
(Cut to the roof. Carla and Janitor enter, and find Mr. Sommers smoking a cigar.)
Mr. Sommers: Should I not be out here?
(Cut to ICU. Mr. Summer is back in bed.)
Dr. Kelso: There he is, Mr. Spot-On-His-Lung! Don't you worry, we'll pop that lung out of there, get it off to the dry-cleaners and have back to you a little after five. Ha ha ha! We like to have fun.
(Dr. Kelso exits.)
Janitor: You know, I made up that whole hawk story.
Carla: Yeah. I know you're not as weird as you want people to think you are.
(Carla pats him on the back, which makes a clunk. Janitor hushes her, and she exits with a knowing smile. Cut to hallway. Carol's family walks down the hall. J.D. comes out of a doorway, apparently hiding from them.)
(Nana appears behind him, startling him.)
J.D.: Whoa! Nana, how you doing? Looking hot in the track suit. Gym's on the second floor.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Date time.
Turk: Dude! There you are. Two things, first, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.
J.D.: Oh no, that's Nana.
Turk: Oh. Second, I got a job.
Turk: And if you hadn't pushed me to do all of that extra mile stuff, that probably wouldn't have happened. So, thank you. You got a hottie waiting for you at the bar. You go get her.
(Turk gives him a shove. Cut to the bar. J.D. stumbles and sits at a table with two beers.)
J.D.: Woo! Ah. Where were we?
Girl: Do I smell banana conditioner?
J.D.: That's one of my conditioners, yes.
(J.D. and the girl start kissing.)
J.D.'s Narration: As great as this was, I couldn't stop thinking about what Turk said and how--
(J.D. pauses as the girl starts licking J.D's hair. J.D. looks nauseated.)
J.D.'s Narration: Whoa, this girl really digs hair. The point is, it's hard getting what happens at the hospital out of your head.
(Cut to Turk's and Carla's apartment - bedroom.)
Carla: How was your first stress-free day?
Turk: Horrible. And you?
Carla: Let's have a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.
Turk: Not helping with the stress.
(Cut to ICU. J.D. walks through, his head now shaven.)
J.D.'s Narration: I knew if I didn't leave that bar and go back, I'd never be able to enjoy any of the simple things. Even a woman eating my former bangs.
(J.D. enters Carol's room.)
(Carol's family applauds.)
J.D.'s Narration: See, that's the thing about and extra mile guy. You never know who it's going to rub off on.
(Cut to Mr. Russell's room)
Mr. Russell: [reading from a script] Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you.
Dr. Cox: [reading from a script] Oh? Have you, Stanley? I wasn't expecting any.
Mr. Russell: I hope you like it.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh...
Mr. Russell: You're hating this, aren't you?
Dr. Cox: No, that's -- that's not it at all. It's just that I don't believe for a second that you really want me to leave. You gotta feel the love, you gotta get involved. What do you people say, let's take it from the top?
Mr. Russell: [reading from a script] Sister Blanche, I've got a little birthday remembrance for you.
Dr. Cox: Again. Do it with some force.
Mr. Russell: I've got a--
(Camera zooms out leaving Dr. Cox coaching the patient. Camera fades.)