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Open: J.D.'s Bedroom -- Early Morning
J.D. and Alex are lying in bed together.
J.D.'s Narration: When you're really crazy about someone, even waking up isn't so bad anymore.
J.D.: Mmm. Good morning.
Alex "mm"s a little as she snuggles up close to him and they kiss.
J.D.'s Narration: The air feels crisper, the sun seems brighter...even your morning breath smells good.
She jerks away.
Alex: You taste like old eggs.
He pulls back and covers his mouth.
J.D.: Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Alex: [whispering seductively] I love old eggs.
He laughs a little and they kiss again.
Alex: You are so different from the guys I usually go out with.
J.D.: How so?
Alex: Well, for starters...
She sits up and pushes the covers back.
Alex: ...I'm still wearing pants.
He laughs as she gets up. He sits up to face her.
J.D.: Yeah, well, that is because I respect you.
Alex: Oh, yeah?
J.D.: Yeah. And also, this triple-knot, I couldn't get out.
He jerks on the knotted drawstring of her pants.
She giggles at him.
Alex: Hey, thanks for being so patient with me. I hope you don't think I'm a big tease. I just...I love sleeping in the same bed with you. I've never slept better, you know?
- Flashback: The Previous Night
The clock ticks away the wee morning hours as Alex soundly sleeps. Lying next to her, J.D. is wide awake and staring adoringly at her.
J.D.: Me neither.
J.D.: You know, in fact, I'll go ahead and say it: I hope we never have sex.
Alex: What would you say...if I told you I feel ready right now.
- Fantasy Sequence: A marching band enters the room, playing the 1812 Overture. They're accompanied by a capuchin monkey enthusiastically banging the cymbals.
Alex: Oh, okay, then I think tonight, we should get a nice bottle of wine---
J.D.: Yeah, tonight is good, but I think now -- also good.
Alex: Yeah, now works...sure.
They slide back on to the bed and kiss.
Turk opens the door.
Turk: Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
J.D.: Get out!
Turk: 7:15, y'all -- gotta go to work; let's go!
He closes the door again.
J.D. and Alex look at each other.
- Fantasy Shot: The monkey squeaks.
Re-open: Hospital -- Admissions
Alex is in the waiting area, talking to a patient. J.D. watches her from across the room.
J.D.'s Narration: Since Alex is a social worker, she's here a lot. For some guys, that would be distracting, but I'm staying focused.
Man: You're on my foot.
J.D. jumps back.
J.D.: Oh, God! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry.
The man walks away.
In his backing up, J.D. runs into the Janitor.
Janitor: Whoa. No, please! Step on my foot! I'm just waiting for an excuse.
J.D.: Not today.
Janitor: Really? Why not?
J.D. looks over at Alex.
Janitor: Ahh. I get it.
Janitor: Nice pull.
Janitor: You slept with her yet?
J.D.: [hissing] What? I--I am not discussing that with you!
Janitor: That's a no.
J.D.: Listen, Jolly Green: people's personal lives are just that -- they're personal.
Janitor: [smirking] That's a definite no.
A patient, Mr. Barnes, is being admitted.
Dr. Cox: It's good to see you again, Mr. Barnes; we'll be with you in a moment.
Nurse Roberts: [to an orderly] Put him in Bed 6.
The man is wheeled away.
Dr. Cox: Tell me, Laverne, are you in fact part golden retriever?
Nurse Roberts: Keep it holy, now.
Dr. Cox: I only ask because, every time I toss this guy, you bring him right back to me.
He turns to J.D. and Elliot.
Dr. Cox: All right, Will and Grace: break down.
Elliot: Judging by Mr. Barnes' elevated lipase, I'd say it's pancreatitis.
Dr. Cox: Okay, Grace, you wanna finish?
J.D.: I'd start him on a Demerol drip and---
Dr. Cox rubs his head.
Dr. Cox: Ohhh, the throbbing's back.
Elliot explains to J.D....
Elliot: Mr. Barnes has been admitted for substance abuse three times in the past year.
J.D.: Yeah, but he said he quit.
Dr. Cox: Oh! The addict said he quit? Why wouldn't you tell me something like that? 'Cause, don't you see, that changes everything.
J.D.: I believe in Mr. Barnes.
Dr. Cox: Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....
Elliot pulls her hair out of her face.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.
He grabs J.D. by the shoulders.
Dr. Cox: [affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, Sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school--- Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?!
He walks away, carrying on fake sobbing in that voice.
Elliot: My mom says they frame my face!
J.D.: They don't.
Dr. Kelso is stopped at the intersection. He watches the bus begin to pull away as Carla runs up to the stop.
Carla: Oh, wait! Please wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait!
Dr. Kelso: Go, bus. Go! Go, go, go!
The bus does pull off before Carla can get to it.
Carla: Wait! Wait! Waaagggghhhh-ait!
Dr. Kelso: Yeah!!!!!
He laughs sadistically at Carla's misfortune.
She glances over in his direction, and he ducks behind the dashboard of his car.
Dr. Kelso: She didn't see you, Bob. Just stay perfectly still.
Actually, she did see him. She's now at the window of the passenger door.
Carla: Dr. Kelso?
She knocks on the window, and he reluctantly sits up and rolls it down.
Carla: Can I get a ride to the hospital?
Dr. Kelso: Ohhh.... Of course, dear! Glad to do it.
He unlocks the door and she gratefully climbs in.
Hospital -- Men's Room
Turk is at a urinal as Dr. Cox comes in and sidles up to another.
- Flashback: Carla is talking to Turk.
Carla: Dr. Cox and I have been friends for a long time. You should get to know him.
Turk looks over at Dr. Cox and thinks about this.
- Flashback: continuing that conversation...
Turk: Do I have to?
Carla: Yeah, you have to.
Turk continues to look at Dr. Cox as he mulls this over.
Dr. Cox: In case you were wondering, it says, "If you can read this, you're standing too close."
He flushes and zips up.
Turk: No, I wasn't trying to...you know...look....
Dr. Cox stands behind him and crosses his arms.
Dr. Cox: Now let's see if you can tinkle when someone's staring at you.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, go ahead and take your time -- I actually have all day.
Turk: [encouraging himself] Come on....
J.D. and Alex are walking through.
Alex: Now, I've been Mr. Barnes' case worker for a long time; he just needs everyone to cut him some slack, you know?
J.D.: Yeah. Hey, let me get this door for you.
He opens the door and follows her in.
Alex: I mean, people just don't understand addiction.... Why are we in the on-call room?
He shuts the door.
She sits down on the bed.
Alex: So, have you, uh, ever fooled around in here?
J.D.: Yeah, lots of times.... Never _with_ anyone, but....
Alex: Would you like to change that?
J.D.: Yes, please!
He joins her on the bed, and they start kissing.
The door flies open.
- Fantasy Shot: Elliot hauls in a huge fire hose and sprays a gushing stream of cold water on J.D. and Alex.
J.D.: Oh...hey.... Hey, Elliot...um...can you come back in, like, two minutes?
Alex: [worried] Hm?
J.D.: [correcting himself] ...Or, like, eighty minutes?
Elliot: I just wanted to tell you the nurses just did a check of the narcotics drawer, and there's 50 Percocet missing.
Alex looks concerned.
J.D.: What we should do is split up into teams and search every room. We'll take this one.
Alex: You know they're gonna go right to Mr. Barnes; I'm gonna go check on him, okay?
She gets up and heads for the door.
J.D.: Uh, Alex?
Alex: Hm? What?
J.D.: I just don't like it when you leave.
Alex: Come here.
He joins her at the door.
Alex: Tonight, we'll pick up right where we left off.
She kisses her finger and places it on his lips; then turns and goes on her way.
The Janitor comes up behind J.D.
Janitor: Twenty bucks says it never happens.
J.D. gives him a dirty look and walks off.
Janitor: What, you're offended?
Street -- Coffee Stand
Dr. Kelso and Carla are next in line.
Vendor: Hey, Bob, how are ya?
Dr. Kelso: Fine, Allen. Uh, today, I think I'll try a double half-caf mocha foam latte mochaccino with a shot of vanilla and a sprinkle of nutmeg.
Vendor: So, black coffee?
Dr. Kelso: Bingo-bango!
The two men and most of the gathered customers laugh.
Carla: Oh, my God -- these people actually like you!
Dr. Kelso: Maybe you should just order.
Carla: Yes, I'll have an espresso, please; and...what kind of scones do you have today?
A man behind her loudly clears his throat.
Rude Man: Son of a bitch. Do you mind, lady? I am in a rush.
Carla: Oh, my goodness! I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you, so much.
Dr. Kelso: I, uh, I think what she means is, she doesn't give a crappuccino!
He laughs, and the vendor joins in.
Dr. Kelso: Allen, this is on me. God help me, I love spunk!
Hospital -- Men's Room
Dr. Cox is at a urinal, and Turk comes up to the one next to him.
Turk: Hey. How you doing?
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey! How are you? Can I buy you a beer? This is a men's room, for God's sake -- there is absolutely no talking in here. Ever.
Turk: It's just so freaky, you know? We're on the same pee schedule.
Dr. Cox: No we're not. No we're not! No, no.
In several scenes, Dr. Cox tries to find a moment alone in the men's room, but every time he tries, Turk is there.
J.D. stands between Elliot and Alex as they face off.
J.D.'s Thoughts: This is not good.
Alex: Why would you assume Mr. Barnes stole the Percocet? There's lots of people on that ward.
J.D.: That's a good point.
Elliot: Yeah, and three of them are in comas, two others can't walk, and one's a nun.
J.D.: Also a very valid point.
Alex: Look, Elliot, I'm sure Mr. Barnes didn't take the drugs -- he has been in rehab for over six months!
Alex: There's no reason to be so judgmental.
Elliot: I am _not_ judgmental. If I were, I'd tell you your shoes are ugly.
J.D.: [to Alex] Do _not_ stoop to her level.
Alex: Your bangs make you look like a chipmunk.
Elliot: It's a _frame_. Why can nobody see that!?
J.D.: Can we get back to the matter at hand? This is about Mr. Barnes.
Alex: Fine. So who do you think's right?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, crap.
Pediatrics -- The Little Boys' Room
Dr. Cox is doing his business at one of the little urinals.
Turk rushes in.
Dr. Cox: Oh, for the love of Oprah! Why, why, _why_ would you come to Pediatrics!?
Turk: 'Cause I can't go unless you're around. You're my little pee buddy!
Dr. Cox finishes and flushes, and heads to the little sink.
Dr. Cox: Whatta you say we cut to the chase? You're dating Carla, the one person in this hospital I can remotely stand, and she wants us to get all kissy-face with each other -- I get it, I do. But, you see, every single time I shake my magic 8 ball and ask it, "Are we gonna be best friends forever?" do you know what it says?
Dr. Cox: "Outlook is buh-leak."
Turk: Well, Dr. Cox, you really can't trust those things. I mean, when I was nine, I asked mine if I should crack it open and drink the fluid inside; I puked blue for, like, three days!
Dr. Cox: Just a real cute story. Here's what you're gonna do: Go back to Carla, and don't obsess about why she's with you in the first place. Just...tell her we went to a ball game and we borrowed each other's sweaters. Nn'kay, little buddy?
The nurses are gathered together, having a conversation.
Nurse Roberts: Well, I don't think we should stand for it. Dr. Kelso can't just decide we're not allowed to switch shifts anymore. I'm supposed to go see my nephew tonight in 'Pippin.'
Nurse: Who's he playing?
Nurse Roberts: Pippin. Bob Kelso is a bad man.
Carla: I don't know; I mean, we never think about how hard it is to always be the bad guy, you know?
Nurse Roberts: I want him to die!
Dr. Kelso enters the area.
Nurse Roberts: Hello, Sweetness!
Dr. Kelso: Ladies. Carla, I was thinking about what you said this morning about your mother's birthday, and I don't want her spending it alone, so I've arranged for you to swap shifts with the nurse on the third floor.
Carla: Oh, Dr. Kelso....
Dr. Kelso: Don't mention it! And, should I pick you up tomorrow morning at the same place?
Dr. Kelso: Great! Goodbye, all you smiling faces!
None of the nurses are smiling, but he cheerfully walks off, anyway.
The nurses all turn their menacing stares on to Carla, who laughs nervously.
Turk and J.D. are walking through.
Turk: So, who'd you side with, Elliot or Alex?
J.D.: Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
J.D.: Yeah. It's just, you know, they both have a point---
Turk: Stick to the booty principle.
J.D.: What's that?
Turk: The booty principle: Which one do you want to sleep with?
J.D.: [dreamily] Alex.
Turk: Then I think _she_ might be right.
J.D. is at a table across from Elliot. He's lost in thought.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm not sure about Turk's advice; I mean, sometimes he oversimplifies things -- especially when it comes to booty.
- Flashback: J.D.'s Bedroom -- That Morning
Alex: What would you say if I told you I feel ready right...now.
J.D.: I agree with Alex. Yeah, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think that, you know, she's right about Mr. Barnes -- we can't--we can't just jump to conclusions.
Elliot: Oh, I am _so_ surprised.
J.D.: Hey, tell me something: What do--what do you think about Alex?
Elliot: No way! I am not saying anything about a girl that you're sleeping with!
The Janitor stops as he's passing the table.
Janitor: He's not sleeping with her.
He moves on.
J.D.: I'm serious. Look, no ramifications, nothing, just tell me what you think---
Elliot: I don't like her; I don't trust her, and I'm afraid that she's gonna hurt you.
J.D.: You're jealous!
Elliot: Shut up!
J.D.: So, "Shut up" because you're so jealous of her...that you don't even care that I'm happy for once.
Elliot: Do you honestly believe that's what's going on here?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Do not, under any circumstances, say what you're thinking.
J.D.: I'm sorry, but you had your chance with me.
Elliot quietly stands and leaves the table.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Why don't I ever listen to me?
Re-open: Hospital -- The Next Day
J.D.'s Thoughts: You know what, don't worry about yesterday; Elliot's not the type of girl that holds a grudge.
She pushes past him without saying a word.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Then again....
The Parking Lot
Carla and Dr. Kelso are getting out of his car.
Carla: You see, I think that you should tell your neighbor that you will hang your hammock wherever you damn well please, and if she doesn't like it she can just move!
Dr. Kelso: That's what I like about you, Carla! You don't give a rat's ass what anybody thinks!
At this moment, the other nurses are also arriving, discussing Nurse Roberts' nephew and 'Pippin'.
Nurse Roberts: Morning, Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Nurses.
Dr. Kelso: [to Carla] Oh, get up!
Alex: I wanna apologize for not showing up last night; I-I got home, I sat on the couch, and I just totally passed out!
J.D.: You know, I wasn't' even sure we had a definite plan, so....
- Flashback: J.D.'s Bedroom -- The Previous Night
It's lit with candles, and J.D. rushes around making everything perfect, including the tossing around of hundreds of rose petals.
Alex: Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't make it.
She kisses him and walks off.
The Janitor comes up next to J.D.
Janitor: She seems sorry. I am, too.
A Patient's Room
Dr. Cox and J.D. are at the bed of the patient. Turk comes in.
Turk: Someone call for a surgical consult?
Dr. Cox: You're Dr. Turk?
Dr. Cox: Of course you are. Note to self: You've got to start writing down the names of people that truly annoy you!
Turk: Yeah, yeah; well, um, what's up?
Dr. Cox: The guy has two-vessel disease, and he hasn't been tried on medical management, so he's got a couple options and neither....
He continues speaking, but is drowned out by....
J.D.'s Narration: When an Attending calls a lowly intern for a consult, it's an unwritten law that the intern should agree with whatever he says.
Dr. Cox: ...Don't you agree?
Turk: Actually, sir, uh, I recommend bypass surgery.
J.D.: Wow...that's my pager!
He flees the room.
Dr. Cox: [to Turk] You're wrong. [to the patient] He's so wrong!
He pulls the privacy curtain.
Dr. Cox: You make me so angry I.... I-.... I.... I have to pee.
Turk: Me too.
He follows after.
J.D. is walking through. At the other end of the hall, walking in J.D.'s direction, is a determined Elliot.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Look at her. She's not even gonna say hi to me! Fine; I won't say hi to her. Ever!
The continue walking towards each other.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I can't believe how stubborn she is -- she--she is not even moving out of the way. I am the wrong man to play chicken with, missy. She'll blink.... Any second now.
With only about a foot to spare, neither one backs down, and the two bash foreheads.
Carla is treating J.D.'s forehead.
J.D.: She is so stubborn!
Carla: Laverne, could you had me some gauze, please?
Nurse Roberts: Maybe Dr. Kelso can pick you up in the morning and take you to the gauze store.
Carla: All right, now listen---
Dr. Kelso enters the area with a large pile of paperwork in hand.
Dr. Kelso: Carla, this paperwork has your signature on it, and it is totally sub-par!
He slams the pile onto the counter.
Dr. Kelso: I won't stand for this kind of shoddy work!
He stalks off.
Carla quietly picks up the stack. Nurse Roberts comes over to her.
Nurse Roberts: Let me help you, Honey.
Turk comes up to Dr. Cox.
Turk: So, you went behind my back and got an intern to agree with you so the guy doesn't get surgery.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no; you caught me.
Turk: Cox, a bypass is the right call.
Dr. Cox: Considering the inherent risks in surgery, I didn't---
Turk: The guy's a diabetic, with two-vessel disease!---
Dr. Cox: And antianginals can be equally effective.
Turk: So we agree that either treatment could work?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, sure.
Turk: Then what the hell are we arguing about!?
Carla comes up to them.
Turk: Hey, Babe.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Sweetie.
J.D.'s Narration: And it was just then that they realized what was really going on: Dr. Cox was in love with Turk's girlfriend!
Carla: Hey, either one of you want half a sandwich?
Dr. Cox: I'm all set.
J.D.: So, every tox-screen came back negative on Mr. Barnes. He didn't...take anything.
J.D.: So...you were wrong.
Elliot: Yeah, it's not about that anymore, is it?
She leaves him.
J.D.'s Narration: When you can't make things right with one of your best friends, nothing can make you feel better.
Alex comes up to J.D.
Alex: Hey, I'm finally off; do you wanna get out of here?
- Surreal Sequence: J.D. takes off like a flash.
Alex's cell phone rings, and she answers it.
Back at his apartment, J.D. is on the other end of the line.
J.D.: So, are we doing this, or what?
The monkey bangs the cymbals.
Carla: Dr. Kelso.
Dr. Kelso: Yes, what is it?
Carla: I wanted to thank you...for what you did. You know, when you yelled at me in front of the other nurses. I appreciate it.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I yelled at you because that paperwork looked like it had been done by a drunk four-year-old. Listen, Carla, I have a family who loves me, a handful of close friends, and a wonderful hobby shop in my basement; I don't spend much time worrying about people's feelings around here -- I just do whatever makes me happy.
He begins to depart.
Carla: So...can I still get a ride tomorrow?
Dr. Kelso: I don't know if I've forgiven you yet for hiding this morning. But, uh, you could always skip the bus tomorrow morning and take your chances.
Turk and Dr. Cox are outside the Men's Room.
Dr. Cox: Look, we're both men; one of us a little more than the other, but that's okay.
Turk: What do you want?
Dr. Cox: I'm not gonna do anything to mess up what you got with Carla -- that's not my game.
Turk: I won't tell Carla how you feel about her -- that's not my place.
Dr. Cox: But, the minute you screw this thing up -- and you will screw it up -- I'll be waiting.
Turk: Well, if you're gonna wait, I'd bring a book, 'cause it's gonna be a while.
Dr. Cox: [gestures to the door] You goin' in?
Turk: Oh, yeah, I'm right behind you.
Dr. Cox: Cool.
The pee buddies enter the room together.
J.D. and Alex are on the bed, making out pretty heavily.
J.D.: You remember, like, when the new 'Star Wars' movie came out, and it was all built up, and then people went to see it and it really wasn't that great in bed?
Alex: Relax! The first one's a freebie, so you can get your form back.
He kisses her.
Alex: Mmm. I'm gonna change.
She gets up and goes into the bathroom.
To amuse himself, J.D. hums a little tune....
J.D.: Mm-mm, Mm-mm. Don't look, no, no. Don't look, no, no.
To the song, he does an awkward little move where he covers his nipples.
[Editor's Note: At this point, we're glad for J.D. that Alex is in the bathroom and can't see this, or she just might reconsider the evening.]
J.D.: [shouting to Alex] I already brushed, like, eight times, but I'm gonna--wanna take some mints out of your purse.
He reaches into her purse in search of mints....and instead pulls out a plastic bag of pills.
Alex exits the bathroom half naked.
Alex: See, all I did was lose the pants, but I think it gives me a completely different look.
J.D.: These are Percocet.
J.D.: So, you never came over here last night 'cause you just passed out.
Alex: Yep...I should--I should go; yeah.
She ducks into the bathroom to put her pants back on.
J.D.'s Narration: The speech always sounds the same, no matter whose mouth is comes out of -- even if it's someone you thought you could really like.
Alex exits the bathroom once more.
Alex: Hey, look, you don't understand, okay; my job comes with a lot of stress. It's--it's not like I have a serious problem.
J.D.'s not buying it.
J.D.'s Narration: We ended up talking for a while after that....
The scene shows the two in different positions in the room, showing the passing of quite a bit of time.
J.D.'s Narration: And I gave her some names of people that could help her.
J.D. sits alone in his room.
J.D.'s Narration: But she never got back to me.
Admissions -- The Next Day
J.D.'s Narration: After that, things pretty much got back to normal.
The Janitor comes up to J.D.
Janitor: You owe me twenty bucks.
J.D.: No, but I never even made---
Janitor: Twenty bucks.
J.D. pulls out his wallet and gives the Janitor his due amount.
Nil Lara's "Fighting For My Love" begins to play.
The Bus Stop
Carla skips her bus.
Dr. Kelso drives towards her...and right on past, splashing her with muddy water.
He laughs sadistically.
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Living Room
J.D. has invited Elliot over.
J.D.: All right, I should've done this a long time ago; so, here goes: I'm sorry. I shouldn't accuse you of being jealous, you were just looking out for me, and...you were right about Alex.
Elliot: You never did sleep with her, did you?
J.D.: No.... But, why does that matter?
She closes the distance between them and looks him in the eye.
Elliot: Because I was jealous.
She grabs him by the collar and pulls him into a huge kiss.
J.D.: Are you sure?
She pushes him....
Cut to: J.D.'s Bedroom
....J.D. flops onto the bed and Elliot crawls on top of him, resuming the kiss.
She pulls back to look at him, and he twirls her hair.
Elliot: What are you thinking about?
She smiles and kisses him again.
They roll around on the bed, consumed by passion.
The song fades. The screen goes black.