|SEASON FOUR TRANSCRIPTS|
10. "My Female Trouble"
|Return to "My Drive-By"|
|Note on Transcripts||Transcripts from Season: 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • W • All|
I.C.U. HALL Two old men move along with their walkers.
J.D.'s Narration: No one wants to live out their last years in a hospital, but people do. There's really not much we can do for them except try to protect their dignity. And, of course, bet on them.
J.D. and Turk watch intently from the Nurses' Station as the old men pass, neck and neck.
J.D.: Come on, Mr. Gilmore.
Turk: Come on, Colonel Mustard!
It's a photo finish, with one of the men winning by a nose.
Turk: HA! Pay up.
J.D. sighs and slaps a bill into Turk's hand.
Mr. Gilmore: Can I get some Jell-O, please?
J.D.: Jello-O is for winners.
Mr. Gilmore: What?
J.D.: I'm just kidding. We'll have some sent right to your room, big guy.
Mr. Gilmore: Thank you.
He continues on.
J.D.: Dude, you're not gonna believe how much trouble I'm having finding a place to live.
Turk: What happened with that little guest house you went to see?
LITTLE GUEST HOUSE J.D. is meeting with the realtor.
Realtor: It's fully furnished, and the owner of the main house is just great. In fact, if you look out the window, you can see him right now.
J.D. turns around to see a man in a bathrobe leering at him through the window.
Owner: Ohh, he's perfect.
J.D.: Perfect for what?
- BACK TO PRESENT***
J.D.: Yeah, I think I'm gonna keep looking.
He nods and leaves.
J.D.'s Narration: Things were going better for Elliot.
Meanwhile... STREET -- EVENING Elliot and Jake stand at his car kissing.
Elliot: Thanks for the movie.
Jake: You're welcome for the movie.
Elliot giggles, and Jake opens the passenger door for her before going round to his side.
J.D.'s Narration: For some reason, Jake was able to handle the piping hot giant bowl of crazy that is Elliot Reid.
Once buckled in, Elliot turns to lock her door just as a black guy walks past her window.
Elliot: [Gasps, horrified] Oh God.
Jake: What is it?
He calmly crawls in and buckles himself while he listens to her spew...
Elliot: I just locked the door when a black guy walked by. Now he's gonna think that I think he's dangerous 'cause he's black; and not just black, but with an actual 'fro and everything -- which, trust me, I don't find scary at all. Not like the zigzags and the cornrows and stuff. My life's ruined!
Jake: No it isn't.
He starts up the car and does a quick three point turn, stopping next to the black guy.
Jake: Hey, did you think she was locking the door 'cause you're black?
Black Guy: No. I just thought she was locking the door.
Jake: Thanks, man.
The guy walks on, and Jake turns to Elliot.
Elliot: Coolio! Let's go get some ice cream!
Cut to... BAR -- ANOTHER EVENING Jake is having drinks with Elliot, J.D., Carla and Turk.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately for Jake, he still had to pass muster with Turk and me. And nothing is quite as daunting as our "good guy test."
J.D.: Well, I could use a beer.
Jake: I got this round. Be right back.
He gathers the empty bottles and heads over to the bar. Turk and J.D. grin at Elliot.
J.D.: [Giving thumb's up] Good guy.
Turk: Great guy.
Turk: Oh, my God!
J.D.: Excellent choice.
HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS The Janitor is hunched over Doug's cast-encased feet, finishing up a saucy sketch on one of a building full of scantily-clad girls. Doug watches with fascination from his seat on his red Rascal motorized scooter.
Janitor: Aaaand finished. I remember the bordello being a little bit bigger and there were probably a few more prostitutes, but maybe I just remember it that way 'cause I was a kid -- it was my twelfth birthday. I asked for a bike. I got a 48-year-old whore.
Doug: It's beautiful. It's almost a shame I get these casts off in a week.
Janitor: A month.
Doug: A what?
Janitor: Yeah, I worked too hard on this -- you can take 'em off in a month.
Doug: I'll call my orthopedist.
Dr. Kelso walks over.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, I'd have more sympathy if this were the first time you broke both your feet working in the morgue.
Doug: Sir, it's like those corpses are out to get me!
Dr. Kelso: Heh! If only. Anyway, uh, I need you to give up this thing [gestures at the scooter]. No offense, son, but I can't have a delusional bozo like you driving a motorized vehicle around this hospital. [Starts helping Doug off the scooter and notices the sketch on his cast.] Well, if it isn't the Sullivan Street Cathouse!
ELEVATOR J.D. steps off to find Ted waiting there with a small paper sack in hand.
J.D.: What are you doing?
Ted: Dr. Kelso told me to stand here at exactly 12:05 with my lunch, but I don't know why.
As he's checking his watch, Dr. Kelso whizzes by on Doug's scooter and snatches the lunch bag out of his hand.
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted! [Laughs.]
I.C.U. Dr. Cox enters the area crowded with staff.
Dr. Cox: [Whistles.] All right, everybody! Gather around here, circle it up, will ya? Bring it in nice and tight. Look, I know I'm pretty quick to point out other people's mistakes but...I have a son now, and I also realize that it's important to recognize when someone does something right. Mr. Blake down in Bed 3 came in here with what seemed like a basic heart block. But someone took the time to find out that recently he'd been camping and correctly diagnosed him with Lyme Carditis. Now, I'm sure some of your are gonna think this is a silly exercise, but I'd like that someone to step forward and stick your hand up in the air so that the group can recognize your great good work. This--this is no time to be modest. Come now.
He looks around at them expectantly while raising his own hand.
Dr. Cox: Oh! My God! It was me! I did it, I'm a genius, I'm a huge brain in a ripped up body, I am Jesus H. Cox...M.D. Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself, so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other players who were involved. There was the intern who originally misdiagnosed the patient...
Lonnie: That's me, daddy.
J.D.: Put your hand down, Lonnie.
Dr. Cox: And then there was the resident who confirmed that misdiagnosis.
J.D.: In my defense, I was up late watching a 'Designing Women' marathon.
Dr. Cox: And, last but not least, there was the surgeon who wanted to crack open Mr. Blake's chest like a walnut and put in a pacemaker that he didn't even need. Now, he's too modest to introduce himself to the group, so I'll do the honors. [Approaching Turk] He is so black, so bald, and he can't eat cupcakes because he's got diabetes. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Turk!
Turk: Can you just get out of here so we can get back to work?
Dr. Cox: Not until people start chanting my name so that I can exit the room with my hands held high above my head in a victorious gesture. Capisce? You see, this diagnosing machine, this fabulous thing? Well, it runs on props, so I'm going to need to hear it. Come now.
Group: [Unenthusiastically] Cox...Cox...Cox...Cox...Cox...Cox....
Dr. Cox: [Making his victorious exit] Me. Me. Me. Oh, so me!
CAFETERIA Elliot, J.D., Carla and Turk are at a table.
Elliot: I've never connected with a guy like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know Jake better than I know myself.
Carla: What does he do for a living?
Elliot: I should know that.
Turk: What's the sex like?
Elliot: What makes you think that I have slept with him?
Dr. Kelso: [Passing on his scooter] For starters, you've known him more than ten minutes.
Elliot: [Shouting after Kelso] You are a weird and angry man!
Kelso beeps his horn in the sequence of "Shave and a haircut."
Turk &: Two bits. J.D.
Elliot: Look, I have just been thinking about all of my relationships, and every time one has potential, I go too fast and ruin everything. Long story short, Jake's not getting any.
J.D.: Oh, please, you're a half a glass of wine away from nuding up and doing your go-to move.
Turk: Which is?
J.D.: Her on top, eyes closed, yelling, "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"
Elliot: [Whining to Carla] Sex is disgusting!
Carla: I know, sweetie.
Elliot: Look...I am attracted to Jake, but I'm an adult. I can control my urges.
Flash to... APARTMENT HALLWAY -- EVENING Back from their date, Jake and Elliot heavily make out at her door. Obviously it gets a little too heavy, since Elliot's eyes suddenly widen and she quickly breaks the kiss.
Elliot: No means no! [Shoves him.] Ahem. Gotta go.
She rushes in and slams the door.
Jake: 'Night, Elliot!
Elliot: [From inside] Goodnight, Jake!
PTIENT'S ROOM Dr. Kelso finishes checking on the person in the bed.
Dr. Kelso: I'll check back with you after I look in on a few other patients!
He comes out into the hall and hops on his scooter parked at the door, running it up to the very next door in the hallway. He steps off and enters the room.
Dr. Kelso: Mr. Evans!
Meanwhile... CAFETERIA The Janitor drops his mop to inspect some mysterious black lines along the floor.
Janitor: What the hell?
He crawls in fast motion along the trail of black marks to the elevator, where he swipes his finger through and tastes it.
Janitor: [To fellow passenger] Four, please.
At the fourth floor, he speedily crawls along the trail until he finds his nose at the back of Kelso's scooter.
Dr. Kelso: Try not to breathe on the chrome, Lurch.
He beeps twice and drives through the hall of staffers.
Dr. Kelso: Out of my way, minions!
Female Staffer: Oh!
TACO STAND Turk arrives, stopping in front of a guy who's shoving a burrito into his face.
Turk: Hey, kid, you might want to pick up a pamphlet on that new thing called chewing.
The guy mumbles something in the tone of "get bent" or something similar. Turk continues towards the stand.
Turk: Hey, can I get, uh...
Behind him, another car arrives, activating its alarm.
Taco Guy: One second.
Crowd: Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox!
Turk turns to see Dr. Cox arrive.
Dr. Cox: I eat here all the time.
Turk: Ah, yeah.
Not much else can be said since the guy behind them, whom Turk had warned about chewing, starts choking.
Dr. Cox: Guy's choking!
Cox rushes over.
Dr. Cox: [Attempting Heimlich] I can't clear his airway. Call 9-1-1! Let's go!
He lays the guy out on the cement as Turk rushes back to the stand.
Turk: He'll be brain-dead by the time they get here --
Dr. Cox: Come on!
Turk: -- I'm gonna do an emergency trach. Lemme get a knife!
A goopy knife is thrust at him.
Turk: A clean knife! [Grabs the clean utensil.] And can I get a Number 2, no sour cream?
He rushes back over to the man and crouches down to perform the procedure.
Flash to... HOSPITAL -- FIRST FLOOR HALL Turk sees his patient into the elevator on a gurney and heads back towards Admissions, where's he met by Dr. Cox near the gift shop.
Dr. Cox: Hey now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants -- it had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there's a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.
Turk: Heh! [Takes one of the seats.] Perry, Perry, Perry. You know what the difference between us is? Well, besides the fact that I can carry a conversation without checking my own reflection every five seconds?
Dr. Cox: [Checking his reflection in a mylar balloon] I'm sorry. I--I get lost in my eyes.
Turk: Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this because, unlike you --
He spots Cox beaming at his reflection in the balloon again, and stands, removing a pen from his pocket, and busts the balloon.
Turk: -- unlike you, I got in medicine to help people, not for my own personal glory.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, now that's just a load of crap. Turns out the only reason anybody ever does anything is to feed the ego. Because that's what we are -- ego monsters. Mark my words: eventually you will tell people what'cha did.
Turk: Yeah, we'll see.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we'll see.
Turk: Yeah, we will see.
Dr. Cox: We will so see.
Turk: You wanna call it?
Dr. Cox: That's a pretty good idea.
Turk: See you later.
I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION J.D. and Elliot are here with Carla.
Elliot: I don't know how much longer I can avoid sleeping with Jake, man.
J.D. It's easy. If you ever find yourself in a romantic situation, just do something that's a complete turn-off.
Carla: You know, like how you can swallow your whole fist.
Suddenly gathered behind J.D. is apparently every male who works in the hospital, including Lonnie, Todd, and Ted.
Guys: [Murmuring] No way! She can't do that! Nooo!
J.D.: Calm down, boys. Let me just ask.
As one body, they all take a cautious step closer to Elliot.
J.D.: Can you really swallow your whole fist?
J.D.: Shhh. Don't ruin it.
Satisfied with this new information, the guys go back to work.
Carla: Men are twisted.
Elliot: [Sighs.] Do you guys have any other ideas?
J.D.: You know what, I really don't have time to be dealing with your little sex pickle.
Dr. Kelso: [Passing on his scooter] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.
J.D.: I hate that thing.
Cut to... HALL Dr. Kelso continues through on his scooter, beeping a couple of times. He's stopped by the Janitor.
Janitor: Sir, you probably haven't noticed this, but the floors around here are so clean you can see yourself in them.
A passing Dr. Cox stops to take a look.
Dr. Cox: [To his reflection in the floor] Huh! Why, you handsome son of a gun! [Straightens up again.] Have you looked at me lately, fellas? Ohhh, bellisimo!
He continues on.
Janitor: [To Kelso] I know we haven't care of that whole asbestos thing from the '90s, and I know some toilets flush upward...
Dr. Kelso: Get to the point. My battery power's running low.
Janitor: The one thing that I'm proud of is that these floors are so clean you could eat off of 'em.
Dr. Kelso: Why is that?
LITTLE JANITOR'S ROOM He sits on the floor in front of several little piles of food while his mother stands over him.
Janitor's Mom: If you're going to throw food on the floor, you can just eat there from now on.
- BACK TO PRESENT***
Janitor: Soup night was the worst.
Dr. Kelso raises his eyebrows.
NURSES' STATION Turk and Carla are having a conversation here as Dr. Cox comes around.
Dr. Cox: All righty! Point-proving time. Carla, I assume tubby hubby here told you all about what happened at the taco stand?
Carla: Please, tell me you didn't try to get free guacamole again by telling them you were married to one of their people.
Turk: No, I did not! Because I don't have the need to make everything about me. See, I'm not that pathetic.
Carla: So what did happen at the taco stand?
Turk shakes his head -- nuh-uh, he can't be that easily beaten -- and starts to leave.
J.D.'s Narration: There are certain people in life who know how to push your buttons.
Dr. Cox: Well, the guy started choking, so naturally I sprung into action and gave him an emergency trach.
Carla gasps in admiration.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
J.D.'s Narration: So it's important to have a plan to deal with it. Even if it means never being alone with someone.
Meanwhile... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT Elliot and Jake are cuddled on the couch watching a movie.
Jake: Wow, this 'Body Heats a sexy movie, huh?
The camera angle widens to reveal J.D. sitting on the other side of Jake on the couch.
J.D.: Mmm. Doesn't Kathleen Turner have dynamite nerps?
Meanwhile... PARKING LOT Dr. Kelso is in his car about to leave, buffing his mirror as he talks to the Janitor on the wheelchair ramp.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, if that person is stubborn, there's not much you can do.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry, son, I'd love to help you out, but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.
He drives off.
Janitor: My floors are my children! I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES!
Meanwhile... NURSES' STATION Several more staffers, in addition to Carla and Turk, have gathered around to listen to how Dr. Cox saved the day at the taco stand.
J.D.'s Narration: The key is to figure out a way to not let them get the best of you.
Dr. Cox: Honestly, it was like Death and I had a staring match, and, well, Death blinked. [Carla swoons slightly.] Now, all of you know I'm not one to toot my own horn, but, uh...beep, beep.
Turk: Okay, that's it! That's it! I can't take this anymore! That's it! I saved the guy, people! Death blinked at me! You got that? He blinked at me! Okay?
Dr. Cox: Yeah-ha-ha-ha!
The crowd breaks up as Dr. Cox throws his arms around Turk.
Dr. Cox: Ohh, doesn't that feel so much better? I'm so proud of you! [Victoriously goes down the hall.] Well struck! So well struck! Yes!
HALL -- NURSES' STATION We've got another invalid race on, this time with previous racer "Colonel Mustard" racing Doug in his standard wheelchair. It's another photo finish, with bettors Dr. Cox, Carla, and Jordan watching.
Dr. Cox: And it's just the way I called it! Grampa Goatee to win, Pee-Pants to place, and Wrong-Way Wally not to finish!
They peer down the hall at a guy ramming his walker into the wall.
Carla: He does have glaucoma.
Jordan: Well, I should have been told that!
She slaps her bill into Cox's palm. He starts heading down the hall, stopping next to Turk, who is leaned against the wall nearby.
Dr. Cox: Wouldn't have mattered, Jordan. You know why? Because I am always right. It's something my...my old pal, Gandhi here, knows a little something about, because, you see, we are both egotistical peas in a giant narcissistic pod. And, to prove my point, I'm gonna go ahead and make a...[takes out a jump rope]...unnecessarily showy but undeniably impressive exit. Rope time, Gandhi.
He stretches the rope out across the floor and whips the handle into his other hand.
Dr. Cox: [Jump-roping backwards] Feel it. I'll see ya later.
He turns and heads out.
Jordan: I would so mock him right now if I wasn't so turned on!
Turk: I'm not like that, am I?
Carla: Actually, Turk, you are slightly Coxish. [He gives her a look.] Yeah! I mean, the way you do that stupid victory dance every time you win the slightest argument?
She imitates it.
Turk: No I don't!
Carla: Maybe not. Heh. You know, Turk, you were right! Next year is not a leap year!
Suddenly Turk's on top of the desk, doing his stupid victory dance, complete with SynDrum sound effect.
Turk: [Realizing] Dammit!
He hops down.
CAFETERIA Jake and Elliot, just arrived as evidenced by Elliot still wearing her backpack, stand kissing next to a table where J.D. and Carla sit.
Elliot: Thanks for giving me a ride to work. I hope you didn't mind J.D. tagging along.
Jake: Mm-mm. Maybe next time we'll let you sit up front.
J.D.: Well, maybe next time she'll yell "shotgun" a little faster!
He leaves and Elliot takes a seat.
Carla: Elliot, you can't keep taking J.D. everywhere you go. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to trust yourself.
Elliot: No, I won't, Carla. This system is working. Trust me, heh, I will not be having sex with Jake anytime soon!
Hey, look! Jake's back!
Jake: That seems like a...a strange thing to announce to your friends.
Elliot: [Horrified] Oh....
Jake: Just came back to get my keys.
Elliot tries to put on a cute, forgivable face as Jake grabs his keys.
J.D.'s Thoughts: This is so awkward. Look away. Look away!
J.D. turns to look out the window, only to see the owner of that guest house, still in his robe, peering in.
Owner: All your references checked out.
J.D.: I never gave you any references!
HALL -- ELEVATOR Dr. Kelso steps off, apparently just arrived at work.
Dr. Kelso: Where the hell's my Rascal?
Majestic music plays as the Janitor rounds the corner on his green Rascal scooter.
Janitor: How do you like my new floor waxer?
Dr. Kelso angrily steps in his way, stopping him.
Dr. Kelso: That's not yours! That's my car thing! You just painted it!
Janitor: I did not!
Dr. Kelso: You've got green paint on your face!
Janitor: I do nn-- [Wipes the smudge on his face, getting green paint on his finger.] Well, that's not paint, that's...pudding. [Tastes it and grimaces.] You know what, even if this was the Rascal you were riding around, you can't prove anything. And it's no good to hide it from me, 'cause I got keys to everything. [Cockily displays a large ring of keys.] Except the third floor mental ward. Someone stole that one.
A shaggy guy passes through, a gavel in his mouth like a pipe.
Dr. Kelso: Was he smoking a gavel?
Janitor: Seemed to be. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Floors to wax. Floors to wax!
He drives on, the floor waxing mechanism he's attached to the back of the scooter sending up a shower of sparks as it scrapes the floor. The fire alarm and sprinklers go off, soaking a defeated Kelso.
I.C.U. -- PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Cox is here with his patient, Mr. Hoffner, who was last seen at Sacred Heart in "My Way or the Highway."
Mr. Hoffner: Why do I have to have my gallbladder taken out?
Dr. Cox: Because, Mr. Hoffner, you have gallstones.
Mr. Hoffner: Why do I have gallstones?
Dr. Cox: Did you possibly eat a large gall-boulder and then fall on your stomach?
Mr. Hoffner: Do I need my gallbladder?
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, it is a completely useless organ. Oh, wait a minute, that's not completely true. Here, it turns out, we could remove it and then jam it in your mouth to keep you from asking the same question we've been going over for three straight days. Now, come on, we're both in a position to get some good news here: You're gonna feel better, and I'm gonna get the world's most annoying patient the hell out of my hair. Plus, you're in a bonus situation -- I hand-picked the surgeon that you're going to be torturing. Here he is now.
Turk comes in.
Turk: Is this the gallbladder guy?
Mr. Hoffner: Do I need my gallbladder?
Dr. Cox: [Leaving] Enjoy.
NURSES' STATION Elliot, J.D., and Carla are here.
Elliot: [Sighs.] I'm giving up on men!
Carla: Just call him!
Elliot: You can't make me!
J.D.: [Grabbing her cell phone] Well, unfortunately for you, I happen to know that the guy you're dating is always under speed dial number one.
He presses a button and holds out the phone.
Phone: [Rings, then the click of an answer.] Constipation hotline?
J.D.: [Pressing another button] Two is your current boyfriend!
Jake: [From phone] Hello?
Elliot: Frick! [Takes phone.] Listen, Jake.... [Glares at Carla and J.D. who moved in to listen; they back off.] Look, it's not that I am never going to have sex with you! I'm going to! And, believe me, when I am on top with my eyes closed and screaming, you're gonna be happy you waited!
Meanwhile... CONFERENCE ROOM Jake is seated at a large table with a bunch of his colleagues.
Jake: Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and take you off speakerphone. [Picks up receiver.] Hi.
I.C.U. -- MR. HOFFNER'S ROOM Turk is still answering Mr. Hoffner's questions.
Mr. Hoffner: So, uh, are you a good surgeon?
Turk: I'm capable.
Mr. Hoffner: "Capable." I'm not sure I want--I want the surgery.
Dr. Cox, who had been outside listening, comes to the door.
Dr. Cox: Gandhi? A word?
Turk comes out into the hall with Cox.
Dr. Cox: Lookit, I know what you're doing in there. You think that if you act like Dr. Sad Sack that the patient's gonna opt out of surgery and I'll have to spend yet another week with a man who has such an unnatural attachment to his gallbladder that, left to his own devices, he would rent a motel room and have sex with it. Now come on, I need you to sling that "I'm gonna get freaky-deeky with my chizzle and--and slizzle up the dizzle for my...bee-aye...yitch" stuff that, you know, you do so well.
Turk: Sorry, I'm not that guy anymore.
Mr. Hoffner: [Calling to Dr. Cox from his room] Are you sure I don't need my gallbladder?
Dr. Cox: Oh...dear...Lord...
ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- EVENING Elliot has brought Jake here to explain why she's avoiding sleeping with him. For the occasion, she's inexplicably dressed in a very low-cut top and heavy lip gloss (the tease!).
Elliot: Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?
She flops down on the couch next to him.
Jake: Well, you...you could have just told me that.
Elliot: Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!
Jake: Elliot, please, look, everybody has their stuff. 'Kay, like me. I'm an emotional person, but I've always had trouble expressing it. Well, here, tell me...tell me you like my shirt.
Elliot: I like your shirt.
Jake: Cool. Okay, now tell me, uh, tell me my childhood dog Buster was never put down and we're gonna be reunited this weekend. You can paraphrase.
Elliot: Uh, Buster's coming home.
The two laugh.
Jake: See, there's no difference, and Buster meant the world to me. I really like you, Elliot, but I'm an adult. I want this to be an adult relationship. If you wanna be patient and not have sex right away, then that's fine. 'Cause I think we have a chance for something great, too.
Elliot: [Smoldering] I want you so bad right now.
Elliot climbs on top of him in a deep kiss. The camera angle widens to reveal J.D. on the couch next to them.
J.D.: Guess I should get goin'....
HOSPITAL ROOF -- MORNING The Janitor meets Dr. Kelso up here.
Janitor: You paged me in the middle of a busy day! This better be important!
Dr. Kelso: What were you doing?
Janitor: Sleeping in a mop closet.
Dr. Kelso turns and leads the Janitor over to the Rascal scooter, which is parked pointed at a makeshift ramp leading over the edge of the building.
Dr. Kelso: You forced me to do this! Either we figure out a way to share the Rascal, or neither one of us gets it. [Turns the scooter on, allowing it to drive towards the ramp.] Your move. You've got about eight seconds before this thing becomes a pile of rubble.
The Janitor calmly watches.
Dr. Kelso: Five seconds. Come on! It's gonna hurt you more than it hurts me.
Janitor: [Smug] I doubt it.
Dr. Kelso does a double-take and rushes over to the ledge as the scooter plummets. He watches helplessly as the vehicle crashes through his car's roof. The Janitor saunters over to look.
Dr. Kelso: You moved my car there, didn't you!
Janitor: [Holding up his keyring] Like I said -- key to everything.
The crazy guy with the gavel appears between them and looks down at the damage.
Crazy Guy: Whoops.
HALL Fresh from surgery, Todd and Turk drop their scrub gowns in the hamper.
Todd: I know it sounds corny, but we really made a big difference in that person's life in there. I hope she digs her new cans. [Raising hand for a high-five] You did great work.
Turk: [Leaving him hanging] Hey, you know, it's not about me.
Dr. Cox comes up behind them and puppets Turk's hand in the five.
Todd: [Snapping fingers] Assisted five! I'll take it!
Dr. Cox: [To Turk] Walk with me. [Todd leaves them to head down the hall.] I cannot believe that you of all people are the one I have to tell this to: Ego is good, you dumb-ass. It's the reason that guy wants you to be his surgeon [a patient waves as he's pushed past in a wheelchair], it's the reason that she is borderline attracted to you [Carla passes], and it's the reason she so desperately wants to marry you.
J.D. passes behind them down the hall.
J.D.: [Stereotypically gay] Page me when you're headed home! [Snaps fingers.]
Dr. Cox: Bottom line, in medicine, half of pulling it off is believing you're the biggest, smartest bad-ass of a doctor to ever walk these halls. You wanna see how you end up if you don't believe that?
They stop at the door of the morgue where Doug is on the floor, trapped under a corpse.
Doug: [Struggling] I don't know how it happened again, but it did!
Cut to... ANOTHER HALL J.D. now has the scooter, and slowly drives it through.
J.D.'s Narration: As I gangsta-leaned down the hallway in the rad new wheels I found by the dumpster, I couldn't help but think how ego affects everything.
Either the steering has been damaged or J.D. can't gangsta-lean properly, as he crashes into a cart of medical supplies. He recovers and drives off again.
Meanwhile... ELLIOT'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM Elliot and Jake make out in bed.
J.D.'s Narration: Without a healthy dose of it, you can't trust yourself to do what you really want.
Elliot: I don't think that we were going too quick at all. By the way, what do you do?
Jake: I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.
Jake: I'm a real estate developer.
Elliot: Oh, thank God!
Meanwhile... HALL J.D. drives his scooter through, almost past Dr. Kelso, who's leaned over the Nurses' Station desk. J.D. quickly back up and escapes.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, with too much ego you can end up losing something you wish you still had.
The Janitor approaches Kelso.
Janitor: You okay?
Dr. Kelso: I'm not used to walking from my office to the nurses' station.
The two nod. J.D. hides his face behind his hand as he sneakily drives past.
Meanwhile... I.C.U. -- MR. HOFFNER'S ROOM Turk enters.
J.D.'s Narration: But with the right amount, nothing can get in your way.
Turk: I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FRANK!?!" That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank. I don't want you to worry about this another second, Mr. Hoffner, okay? 'Cause I'm the man. I am the man!
He leaves again just as J.D. drives by, and catches a ride down the hall on the back of the scooter.
Turk: [Passing a staffer] Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, look at you! Hahaha! [Passing Carla] High five! Right there! [Laughs.]