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2x22 JD Spense in college

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Dream Job".

ActEdit


Admissions - Morning
Carla races in and scurries behind the front desk, where Dr. Kelso confronts her, Ted the Lawyer in tow.
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, do you by any chance know what time your 9:30 shift starts?
Carla: 9:30? [laughs nervously]
Dr. Kelso: See, that's what I would have said. But then I had Ted stand out in the parking lot and monitor your arrival times this week! Ted?
Lawyer: [reading] 9:34, 9:39, 9:41, 9:33, and 9:50.
Carla: How is that law degree working out for you, Ted?
Lawyer: I was going to be a senator.
Dr. Kelso: I haven't perused the latest nursing contract, but I'm guessing it doesn't say "Show up when you damn well please!"
Dr. Cox and Jordan (carrying the baby) stop at the desk.
Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, Bob, here's an idea: What say you stop showing up altogether? We'll just replace you with a giant time-clock. Oh, and if we ever get to missing you, we'll just have a tiny little Bob Kelso cuckoo bird pop out every couple of minutes and say "I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman. I've never satisfied a woman."
Ted laughs.
Dr. Kelso: Come on, Ted!
They leave.
Barenaked Ladies' "Pinch Me" begins to play.
J.D.'s Narration: Even though Dr. Cox still didn't know he was the father of Jordan's baby, they were getting along better than ever.
Jordan: Love you.
Dr. Cox: I love you.
They kiss and part ways.
J.D.'s Narration: As for us, it's the end of our second year, and somehow each day had begun to feel the same.
In the elevator, steeped in boredom, the residents wait for their floor.
J.D.'s Narration: You see, after a while, your residency boils down to just a few things...
J.D.'s Narration: Paperwork...
In the Doctors' Lounge, J.D. scribbles on the various piles of paperwork surrounding him.
J.D.'s Narration: The three prescriptions every patient gets...
In the I.C.U., Elliot gives an order to a nurse.
Elliot: [bored] Give Miss Allan Acetaminophen for her headache, Restoril so she'll sleep, and Colace so she'll poop.
J.D.'s Narration: Paperwork...
J.D.'s piles of paperwork have multiplied.
J.D.'s Narration: Mind-numbing monotony...
In the OR, Turk almost falls asleep.
J.D.'s Narration: And, of course, paperwork.
J.D. struggles to continue scribbling in his paperwork that begins swirling around him.
The song cuts off.
J.D.'s Narration: As for the patients...
Cut to...
I.C.U.
J.D. sits at the bed of a patient, holding the man's foot.
J.D.: Uh, look, Mr. Graff, because it's diabetes-related, the pain in your foot isn't responding to pain-killers. But, I'd like to try an anti-seizure medication before we even consider amputation.
Mr. Graff: Oh, good. 'Cause I have an audition for "Stomp!" tomorrow. Look, just cut the damn thing off, will ya?
J.D.'s Narration: I guess that's why I'm so psyched our college buddy, Spence, is coming to town.
Cut to...
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
Turk, J.D., and Spence sit around the living room.
Spence: Jill Anderson.
Turk: Yes.
Spence: Yes.
J.D.: No.
Turk: Monica Meyer.
Spence: Yeah.
Turk: Yes.
J.D.: You know, guys, I don't think it's really appropriate for us to be rehashing our college sexual conquests with Carla in the other room--
Turk: Leslie Stevens!
J.D. leaps up enthusiastically.
J.D.: YES! On a pile of coats with hundreds of people around! [sings] What a whore!
Carla interrupts his whore dance when she emerges from the other room.
Carla: [mockingly excited] Who else! Who else did you bang??
J.D.: Carla...college wasn't all sex and coats. Spence, here, got me through a lot of hard times.
***Flashback: Dorm Room
Spence and a flat-haired J.D. sit around thinking.
Spence: Why don't you just mousse the crap out of it -- straight up!
J.D.: [thinks] Yes!
****
J.D.: My life changed that day.
Spence: Man, that was a long time ago! I mean, now you two are engaged, and I'm in town 'cause our frat brothers Shmitty and Dan are getting married....
Carla: A double wedding?
In unison:
Spence: Mmm...
J.D.: No.
Turk: Mm-mm.
Carla: Ohhhhhh.... Good for the boys!
Spence: The point is, we've really grown up.
Cut to...
Bar
The guys hold up their shot glasses for a loud grunt of a toast.
They all down the contents...not very well in Turk and J.D.'s cases.
Turk: Aw.
J.D.: That's good--good sauce.
When the bartender moves away, Spence grabs their empty beer pitcher.
Spence: Check it out -- free pitcher.
He leans over the bar and grapples at the beer tap, but misses in his drunkenness and falls off on the other side.
Cut to...
Hospital Exterior, Bench -- The Next Morning
J.D., Turk, and Spence are lined up, all hooked up to IV drips.
J.D.: What I've got you on is D5 half normal saline with 20 KCL at a hundred CCs an hour.
Turk: This is the Cadillac of all hangover cures.
Spence: It feels warm in my tummy!
Dr. Cox and Jordan approach, on their way in to the hospital.
Dr. Cox: Good morning, angels. What'd you have, one too many daiquiris last night?
J.D.: Spence, this is Dr. Cox and--
Jordan: Don't bother. Don't care.
Spence: Oh, oh! Right, yeah! He's the scary man you told me about last night. [to Dr. Cox] Hey, congratulations!
Dr. Cox: For what, jack-ass?
Spence: You just had a baby!
J.D.: No, no, no, _she_ just had a baby.
Spence: Yeah, but you said it was his. [struggling to remember] ...And you said something else....
Turk: [quiet to Spence] That he didn't know it yet.
Spence: That's exactly right!
Rightly, a sense of terror fills J.D. He leaps off the bench.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Holy crap! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run aw---
He runs out of IV line (as he left the drip behind) and is jerked back.
J.D.: Oook!
He splats.

ActEdit

Hospital Exterior, Bench -- The Scene Resumes
J.D. is the only one left on the bench. He sits awkwardly as Dr. Cox stares at him.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, he hasn't said a word in over ten minutes.... Eh, the hell with it. I'm going in.
J.D.: Dr. Cox---
Dr. Cox: Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't "see ya", then the third word will be "Oh, my God, my crotch, you've punched me in the crotch."
J.D.: See ya.
He grabs his drip and flees.
Dr. Cox turns to Jordan.
Cut to...
Hospital Interior, Hall
J.D., Turk, and Spence walk through, past various doctors and patients.
Spence: How about that guy?
J.D.: Yeah.
Spence: That guy?
J.D.: Yeah. You know what? Maybe it would just be easier if I told you whose butt I _haven't_ had my fingers in?
Spence: Now that's one of the perks you never hear about. So, you guys pretty much landed your dream jobs, huh?
J.D. stops in thought.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Dream job....
***Fantasy Sequence: Office...Made Entirely of Chocolate
Sammy Davis Jr.'s rendition of "Candy Man" plays tinnily as J.D. tastes various parts of his office. Turk, playing personal secretary, types on a chocolate typewriter.
J.D. grabs Turk's hand and takes a bite out of it -- pure chocolate.
Turk: Hey, man? How am I supposed to finish this memo?
J.D.: [shrugging] Mm-mm-mm.
****
Spence: Do you at least have any interesting patients?
Turk: Well, there's Mr. Weinberg, who has dementia but still enjoys his wronking.
Spence: What's wronking?
An old man is wheeled past.
Old Man: WRONK!
Spence: Interesting.
They stop at the desk of the Nurses' Station, where Carla is working.
Turk: Hey, Sweetness.
J.D.: [in greeting] Wronk.
Spence: Hey, so, uh, when do people get to yell, like, "stat!" and stuff?
Carla: Kinda never. Bambi. Rounds!
J.D.: Oh, dammit!
J.D. rushes off down the hall.
Spence yells after him:
Spence: [urgent] RUN, JOHNNY! RUN!
He turns back to Carla.
Spence: Just trying to add a little drama.
Carla: I felt it!
J.D.'s Thoughts: This is not a good day to be late.
Cut to...
I.C.U.
J.D. hurries to the group of doctors gathered for rounds.
J.D.'s Narration: Every year at this time, Kelso picks a resident to ride mercilessly until they crumble. The key is to jump on any easy question and impress him early.
Dr. Kelso: All right. Shall we get started?
J.D.: Yes!
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
J.D.: "Should we get started?" Answer: yes.
Dr. Kelso: Wow. Dr. Reid, do an ABG on bed four -- _without_ waking him.
Elliot: Mm-hmm.
She goes off to do so.
Dr. Kelso: Dr., uh, uh...Young Asian Fellow, bed seven needs a central line.
The young Asian doctor sighs and rolls his eyes, but follows the order.
Dr. Kelso: And Dr. Murphy and Dr. Eager Beaver, step forward.
J.D.'s Thoughts: This is it. Last man standing.
Dr. Kelso: What are the four differential diagnoses of the persistent ST elevation on any EKG? Dorian!
J.D.: E-eschemia.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy!
Doug: Aneurysm.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian!
J.D.: Pericarditis.
Dr. Kelso: Murphy!
Doug: Pass!
Dr. Kelso grumbles.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Aw, Doug.... At least you're going to a more chocolatey place.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy.... [Yells...something]
While performing her ABG, Elliot shrieks in alarm, and accidentally flings the needle she was about to use across the ward.
Dr. Kelso turns toward her, the needle lodged in his cheek.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid! A moment please.
Cut to...
Nurses Station - A little later
Elliot is slumped over the desk in front of Carla.
Carla: No you didn't!
Elliot: I did! And now every time I turn around, Dr. Kelso's riding me.
Todd appears next to her.
Todd: I've got next! [holds up hand] Wassaaaaap!
They look at him blankly.
Todd: No one? Self five! [slaps own hand] For the big dog.
He continues on.
Carla: Look, Elliot, I've seen this before. Kelso starts to worry he's not scary anymore, so he picks somebody to be his bitch. Who he picks is totally random. You know, unless you...throw a needle in his face.
She smirks...but Elliot doesn't see the humor.
Dr. Cox and Jordan, heavy in discussion, approach from down the hall.
Jordan: Okay, I didn't tell you that the kid was yours and you're upset -- I get it! But you seem to be making a really big deal out of this. Is there something else that's bothering you?
Dr. Cox: It's mostly just the kid thing.
Jordan: [groans] I told you, I didn't want you to feel pressured to be with me. I didn't want you to feel manipulated.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I am sooooosososososo sorry, but no matter what you say, you don't have a leg to stand on.
Carla: Yeah, I don't know about that, Perry. Sounds to me like she's trying to protect your relationship.
Elliot: Yeah, I mean, some people's mothers say the only way to get a guy to marry you is by using pregnancy as a trap.
Dr. Cox: What!?
Elliot: Uh, stupid mothers who got even meaner when they stopped drinking....

SceneEdit


Hall
The Janitor is mopping, J.D. strides past.
J.D.: Mornin'.
Janitor: I make more than you do!
J.D. stops and turns.
J.D.: Uh, what?
Janitor: I saw your paycheck, and I've been dying to tell you -- I make more than you do. Quite a bit more. [smirks]
J.D.: You couldn't have seen my paycheck.
Janitor: Right. 'Cause there's no way I could access the personnel files. [pulls out giant keyring] Just impossible!
Janitor: By the way, uh: 987-65-4320
J.D.: That's my social security number!
Janitor: No...that's your PIN number.
J.D.: No, my PIN number is 3674.
Janitor: Bingo!
J.D. drops his head to his hands.
Cut to...
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
J.D. is still holding his face.
Spence sits on the couch in front of him while Turk grabs a snack.
J.D.: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a janitor make more money than you?
Spence: Johnny.... Investment Banker. [points to self] So, no.
Turk tosses a bag of chips to Spence...the bag hits him in the face.
Spence: Why, Christopher?
Turk: Hey, so I saved up, like, five hundred bucks? Where would you put that if you were me?
Spence: I dunno, a wallet? A money-clip? Hey! You could get Shmitty and Dan a wedding gift. Dan wants a ferret.
J.D.: Oh! Ferrets are nice!
Turk: They're mean.
He starts eating some dry cereal.
Spence: Guys! Whatta you say we go do something special tonight, huh? My treat!
J.D.: We gotta kinda lay low tonight, 'cause we're on back-up call.
Turk: [mouth full] Back-up call.
Cut to...
An Outdoor Jacuzzi
The guys are "layin' low."
Spence: See, now, this is the proper way to lay low. I mean, honestly, does it get any better?
Turk: No it does not!
***Fantasy Sequence: J.D. reaches over to Turk, snaps off an ear ("Candy Man" briefly plays) and takes a bite -- pure chocolate.
****
Turk: Why you keep looking at me like that?
Spence: [panicked] People!
The guys dive under the water just before the lady who owns the spa comes around to check out what's going on.
She calls towards her house:
Lady: Ed! Did you turn on the jets in the hot tub?
Ed: [out of view] No!
Suddenly, J.D. lurches out of the water.
J.D.: It's too hot on my eyes!

SceneEdit


I.C.U.
Dr. Kelso and Elliot stand at the bed of a patient, with Ted hovering around nearby.
Dr. Kelso: Those sutures look awful! Don't you think, Ted?
Lawyer: [distant] I don't know, sir. Yes, no...I'm barely here.
Elliot: I know what you're doing, sir -- the whole "keep us scared" thing. Grrrrrr! Heh! [conspiratorially] I am okay with it.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, even if you hadn't just missed blinding me earlier, I still would've picked you to crap on. See, you're easily startled, you're constantly overwhelmed, and while you work as hard as anyone here, you're still struggling to break into the middle of the pack! I chose you because I am hoping that you will ask yourself -- _really_ ask yourself -- if there isn't some other profession you might be better suited for. In the meantime, be a doll a re-suture that wound.
He leaves Elliot to soak up those words, which she does...only managing to hold in her tears.
Ted makes sure the coast is clear before coming over to her.
Lawyer: Wanna get a beer later?

SceneEdit


Cafeteria
Jordan and Dr. Cox are at a table.
Dr. Cox: I just can't believe you didn't tell me.
Jordan: ...And, while we're coming completely clean, Perry, I'm not actually the girl they're singing about in "My Sharona" -- her name's Sharona.
Dr. Cox: You're making jokes?
Jordan: I just want this to be okay.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, don't get me wrong, I wanna be the with kid -- I'm...I'm damn sure gonna be with the kid -- but as far as you and I go...I just don't see us working out.
He gets up and leaves her at the table.

SceneEdit


Jacuzzi
The guys are joined in the hot tub by the owner and his wife.
They all happily hold up their bottles of beer before taking a chug.
Spence: Nothing like drinking cold beers in a jacuzzi, am I right, Ed?
Ed: Hell, some days I just sit out here for hours on end, downing cold one after cold one.
J.D.: What do you do when you have to pee?
Ed: [changing the subject] So you boys are doctors, huh?
Turk: Okay, yeah -- whoa, Frannie! [giggles] That was my ass!
J.D.'s pager, set off to the side of the tub, goes off. J.D. looks at the display.
Spence: You guys have to go to work?
J.D.: Nah, it's just a stupid intern.
Turk: Besides, the only way we'd have to go in is if there was some kind of catastrophe.
Flash to...
Doctors' Lounge - At That Moment
Doug is watching the TV, which broadcasts an important announcement.
Newscaster: In breaking news, there's been a multiple-car pile-up on the throughway.
Doug gulps.
Flash Back to...
The Jacuzzi
J.D.: Plus, the two guys who are on call would have to be, like, simultaneously incapacitated.
Flash to...
Doctors' Lounge
Newscaster: Twelve vehicles were involved in the accident. Eyewitness reports...
Doug rises heroically.
Doug: This is my chance to shine!
He rushes from the room, out into the hall where Todd is checking out a hot nurse.
Todd: Wassup, chica!
He passes the doorway of the Doctors' Lounge just as Doug bolts out, and they both crash to the floor.
Todd: [in pain] Ohh, ohhh! God!
Flash Back To...
Jacuzzi
J.D.'s pager goes off again, and he and Turk climb out.
J.D.'s Narration: Part of being a doctor is learning to deal with the unexpected. Whether it's someone who won't take "no" for an answer...
Hospital Hall: Jordan follows Dr. Cox through.
Jordan: Yeah, I've decided not to accept the whole being dumped thing. I'm just gonna hang around until you forgive me.
Dr. Cox sighs with exasperation.
J.D.'s Narration: ...Or being shaken to your very core.
I.C.U.: Elliot stands frozen by Dr. Kelso's words.
Ted gives her a pat on the back before turning to go, and it startled by the Old man.
Old man: WRONK!
Ted: Gaaagh!
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes it's just having to work in wet grundies.
Cut to...
Guy's Locker Room
J.D. and Turk are putting on their scrubs.
Dr. Cox enters.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I...do I smell beer?
J.D.: Uh, we...we, uh, we had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash: you can't drink and then come to work -- you're not airline pilots!
J.D.: Look, Dr. Cox....
Dr. Cox: No, you look! If someone had asked me just this morning, Is there any way that I could have less respect for you two geniuses? I would have said, "No! No, that's not possible!" But, lo and behold, you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm--I'm fresh out of blue ribbons, so instead, you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass! Now go home. You're not fit to work tonight.
He leaves, passing Jordan at the door.
Jordan: Great speech.
She pokes her head in to taunt the guys a little further.
Jordan: You guys are in trouble!
She turns back and calls after Perry:
Jordan: ...Wait up! I got my heels on!

ActEdit

Hall
J.D. is heading out, he passes the Janitor, who is mopping.
J.D.'s Narration: After what happened, I was in no mood to be messed with.
Janitor: Hey, Foodstamps!
J.D. stops. The Janitor pulls a bill from his pocket and holds it out to J.D.
Janitor: Little anonymous donation from a guy who makes a little more scratch than you.
J.D.: You know what? At least what I do matters! Okay? You're cleaning the same spot you were this morning, and the smart money says you'll be cleaning it again tomorrow. So why don't I just come by then, and you can tell me how what you do day after day makes even the slightest bit of difference in this world.
Janitor: [hurt] Too mean!
J.D. angrily turns and continues out.
J.D.'s Narration: I don't care if I hurt his feelings, 'cause I got absolutely crushed tonight. Luckily, Turk and I both knew who was responsible for all this.
Continue to...
Parking Lot
Spence sits on the back of his car. Turk and J.D. angrily approach him.
Spence: Crockett. Tubbs.

SceneEdit


Nurses' Station
Jordan sits on the desk as Dr. Cox goes over a chart.
Jordan: When do we eat?
Dr. Cox: Look, Jordan, could you just give me ten seconds to myself here?
Jordan: Mmmm, no.
Dr. Cox: [groans] You know, you are being very immature! And, oh, my God! Is that guy on fire!?
She turns to look, and he bolts.
Continue to...
On-Call Room
Dr. Cox rushes in and closes the door.
Elliot sticks her head over the side of the top bunk. She snuggles a sickeningly cute stuffed animal.
Elliot: Dr. Cox! I'm so glad you're here!
Dr. Cox: Oh, from one hell to another.
Elliot: Oh. Dr. Kelso's been torturing me lately, and I really thought that I could handle it. I mean, after all, I've come a long way...you know. For instance, I used to be afraid of you, and now I can talk to you about anything -- like how your hair has been looking particularly springy lately. And not like the season, but more like the inside of a mattress. You know what I mean?
Dr. Cox: I don't have any clue what you mean!
She climbs down and stands before him, still clutching the toy.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso's starting to get to me, and I don't think I can take it anymore.
Dr. Cox: Sorry, kid, but I'm kinda dealing with my own stuff right now.
Elliot: Thanks a lot. Really.
She opens the door and leaves, passing Jordan, who sticks her head in.
Jordan: Howdy, Mop-top!
Dr. Cox: Oh, God!

SceneEdit


Parking Lot
Turk and J.D. are giving Spence some hell.
Turk: Man, why'd you even show up this weekend?
Spence: What are you talking about? I'm the one who introduced Shmitty and Dan! ...Okay.... I didn't really introduce them, but I'm the one who accidentally saw them under the foosball table. [remembers] Aw, Shmitty....
J.D.: Typical Spence. You just blow into town and get us in a bunch of trouble.
Spence: What, I _made_ you guys go out tonight? Hey, I have a venture capital presentation Thursday. Ask me if I want to go out drinking Wednesday night.
J.D. and Turk: You wanna go---
Spence: Sorry, sorry, I can't. I have a presentation. You see, the truth is you guys have been complaining about work since the second I got here, just dying for an excuse to blow it off. So maybe you should stop being all mad at me when really you're just pissed 'cause you hate your jobs.
J.D. and Turk are visibly stung by this truth.

SceneEdit


Lawyer's Office
Elliot stands in front of Ted at his desk.
Elliot: Every time I turn around, Kelso's there! Ted, he's trying to break my spirit! I mean, do you have any idea what that feels like?
Ted gives her a look.
Elliot: Oh, I'm sorry -- 'course you do.
Lawyer: Dr. Reid, I'm afraid that nothing you've described constitutes harassment.
Dr. Kelso strides through the open door.
Dr. Kelso: Swing and a miss, eh, Dr. Reid! Well, the next time you decide to make a stink over nothing, maybe you should see a lawyer who didn't need five tries to pass the bar exam!
Lawyer: I have stress-induced dyslexia, and you know that, Dr...Oslek.

SceneEdit


On-Call Room
Jordan has Dr. Cox trapped.
Dr. Cox: Why are you doing this?
Jordan: I'll tell you why I'm doing this, Perry. Because we've been dancing the same annoying dance for years now! One of us gets angry and walks away, and the other person's too stubborn to go after them. Before you know it, you're sleeping with some toothpick-size pharmaceutical rep, and I'm trying to convince my mom that the thing in my suitcase is a giant electric melon-baller! Well guess what? Things are different now -- we have a kid together. I'm not going home until you promise that you're coming home with me.
He gets up in her face....and kisses her tenderly.
Dr. Cox: You go home. I'll meet you there later.
She goes to the door.
Jordan: Bring dinner.
She begins to exit, then turns back.
Jordan: You're a father, can you believe it?
She continues on, her question being of the more rhetorical nature. Still...
Dr. Cox: [to self] No.

SceneEdit


Hall - Early Next Morning
J.D. walks through.
J.D.'s Narration: I didn't get a lot of sleep thinking about what Spence had said.
He passes the Janitor, who is taking a break, eating a sandwich. He whimpers sadly.
J.D. stops.
J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, okay? I mean, come on, look at this floor! You could practically eat off of it!
Janitor: Would you?
J.D.: Would I what?
Janitor: Would you eat off the floor?
He tears a piece of meat off his sandwich and plops it on the floor at J.D.'s feet.
J.D. hesitates a moment, then crouches. He scoops up the meat and sticks it in his mouth.
J.D.'s Narration: As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey, unaware that the cleanser the Janitor uses is an extremely potent diuretic, I realized something.
He swallows, and opens his mouth to the Janitor to prove it.
J.D.: Aaaaah.
J.D.'s Narration: ...The reason we're doctors is because we have an innate desire to help people.
J.D. stands and continues on.
Janitor: [to self] That was disgusting.
J.D.'s Narration: And you have to have that desire, because at the end of your second year it's impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
***Fantasy Shot: J.D. makes his way through the hall, amid a tornado of paperwork.
J.D.'s Narration: So it becomes about perseverance...
J.D.'s Narration: ...and fortitude...
J.D.'s Narration: ...and sacrifice.
Hospital Entrance: J.D. and Turk are seeing Spence off.
Spence: Well, I'm sorry you guys can't make the wedding.
J.D.: Yeah, well, give the guys a big kiss for us.
Turk: Don't forget to tell 'em that the ferret only eats fresh vegetables.
Spence: I'm gonna miss you guys.... [laughs] I'll see you later.
He walks to his car.
J.D.: Later.
[in unison]
Turk: Later, dude.
J.D.'s Narration: Really, all you can hope for is just an occasional thank-you.
Cut to...
I.C.U.
J.D. is with Mr. Graff.
J.D.: I'm so glad the medication worked on your foot.
Mr. Graff: So I'm supposed to be happy because someone finally did something right?
J.D.'s Thoughts: You're welcome.
Dr. Cox stops near J.D. on his way past.
Dr. Cox: Nice call on the anti-seizure medication, there, Newbie. You know I'm actually starting to think you may not be the worst resident that ever lived.
He continues on. J.D. turns back to the patient.
J.D.: Ohhh! How cool was that!
Mr. Graff: Shut up.
J.D.: You shut up. You're an angry man!
Cut to... Elevator
J.D. is riding with Dr. Cox.
J.D.: I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the whole "it's your baby" thing.
Dr. Cox gives him a look.
J.D.: We'll probably talk about that later.
Dr. Cox: You know I'm--I wasn't even mad at Jordan.
J.D.: No?
Dr. Cox: No, I was scared. In fact, I was freaking out all day, because I'm quite confident that I'm gonna be an absolutely horrible father.
J.D.: You? Come on! You're gonna be a very scary fath--I mean a great...you're gonna be a great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses 'cause we deserved it? And do you remember that time you told me I wasn't the worst resident that ever lived?
Dr. Cox: You mean like eight seconds ago?
J.D.: You have no idea how much that meant to me.
The elevator stops, and they disembark on the first floor.
Dr. Cox: I said I _think_ you may not be the worst resident ever, but I can't be sure of stuff like that. Come on, I haven't done the appropriate leg work!
J.D.: But, Dr. Cox, you're always there when we need you! I think you have this fathering thing down!
They stop on the far side of Admissions, where Dr. Kelso is giving Elliot a stern lecture. They've attracted a bit of an audience.
Colin Hay's "Brilliant Feat" begins.
Dr. Kelso: Why am I not leaving, Dr. Reid? Because I don't want to miss you breaking down and weeping in front of everyone! Oh, here it comes! Great big tears! Great big crocodile tears!
He continues tearing her down, but is drowned out by...
J.D.: [quietly to Dr. Cox] See, if she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.
Dr. Cox: My God, you're right.
He leaves J.D. and walks over to Dr. Kelso and Elliot.
He socks Dr. Kelso in the face, and the old man goes down.
Dr. Cox pats Elliot on the back.
Dr. Cox: You're doing fine, there, Barbie.
Elliot: [stunned] Thank you?
Dr. Cox: Everybody have a good one! I'm going home to see my son.
He turns and nearly trips over Dr. Kelso, who was knocked right out of his shoes.
Dr. Cox: Whoa, excuse me, there, Bobbo.
He steps over Kelso, who dabs his bloody nose, and continues out.
The camera circles around to the reactions of those gathered. They all stare at Kelso: Turk and Carla, both with their jaws dropped. Elliot, still quite stunned. Ted, giggling hysterically. Nurse Roberts, on the phone...
Nurse Roberts: [on phone] Girl! He hit him right in the nose! Uh-huh! Yeah!
...J.D., somewhat nervous...
J.D.'s Thoughts: That may come up tomorrow....
His beeper goes off, and he heads back to work.
The song fades.

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