|SEASON FIVE TRANSCRIPTS|
|Return to "My Day at the Races"|
Open: Turk's and Carla's Apartment - Kitchen.
J.D.'s Narration: Since I was currently homeless, Turk and Carla were letting me crash here as long as I needed.
(J.D. sits at the table with Carla, Turk and Elliot)
Carla: J.D., you have to get out. This place is tiny and I'm sick of seeing your man-panties hanging all over the bathroom.
J.D.: They're called boxers, Carla.
Carla: They're satin, J.D.
J.D.: With a breathable cotton crotch panel.
J.D.'s Thoughts: King me!
Elliot: Ugh, I need to find someone to split the rent at my place.
Turk: I thought you were getting good money at your new fellowship.
(Flashback: Elliot is now working at a free clinic. She is in the exam room with a patient.)
Elliot: So first, I lose my fellowship because some jackass cures the disease, and now the only job I can get is working at this crappy free clinic for eight bucks an hour. No one's life could be worse than mine.
(The patient sitting on the exam table gives her a look. He has no legs. End flashback. Cut back to the apartment.)
Elliot: Uh, the fellowship's great.
Elliot's Thoughts: Oh God, Carla, please don't tell them I'm working at a free clinic!
Carla's Thoughts: I sense she doesn't want me to tell them. Women have an unspoken connection men can't even fathom.
(She winks at Elliot.)
J.D.'s: Thoughts: Dude, I know you can't look because Carla's here, but you're missing a crazy Victoria's Secret commercial.
(Turk begins uses his spoon as a mirror to watch.)
Turk's Thoughts: I'm watching Giselle in my spoon right now!
Turk: You know, you--you two could solve both of your problems if you just moved in together.
(Elliot and J.D. speak at once.)
Elliot: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa and whoa...
J.D.: Whoa, hold your horses.
Elliot: We have a very complicated past.
J.D.: I--I hurt her and I'm not very proud.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I'm a little proud.
Elliot: We've managed to restore our friendship by staying away from dangerous topics.
J.D.: You know, relationships and things of that nature.
Elliot: J.D. and I keep it superficial.
J.D.: Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today.
Elliot: Oh, thanks, buddy!
(Cut to Hospital Admissions Area)
Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap out by Friday.
J.D.: Friday's my birthday! I've already e-vited a ton of people over to our place.
Carla: Whose place?
J.D.: Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone, I've already gotten two e-yeses and twenty-four e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
J.D.: It's a Mexican-themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. [whispering] That means I'm turning 30. [Normally] Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking. Ocho-thirty until upside-down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Arrrrrrrrrooo!
Turk: I'll be there.
J.D.: Gracias, amigo. [To Carla] I borrowed one of your dictionaries.
J.D.'s Narration: Since there were twelve surgical residents at Sacred Heart fighting for four attending spots, Turk was ass-kissing the senior staff.
(Dr. Wen enters with another surgeon)
Dr. Wen: Oh, damn. I left my briefcase upstairs.
Turk: [whispering] Excuse me a second.
J.D's Narration: Turk thought he was the only one who heard that.
(Cut to parking lot. Turk comes running out with Dr. Wen's briefcase.)
Turk: Dr. Wen! Dr. Wen, I've got your br--
(A dozen or so "ninjas" in surgeon's scrubs with surgical masks enter)
Turk: I had no idea there were that many Asian surgeons in this hospital.
Todd: I got your back, T-dog.
Turk: Then let it begin.
(Turk throws the briefcase in the air. It spins and hangs in the air as Turk and Todd rip off their tops and begin fighting the ninja-surgeons as if it were a martial-arts movie.)
Turk: Quit fooling around with those guys and get down here!
Todd: Yaaahhh! Here comes the big dog!
(Todd jumps off the steps and joins Turk in the parking lot. They resume kung-fu fighting the ninja-surgeons until they are all defeated. The briefcase falls into Turks arms.)
Turk: Dude, thanks for having my back.
Todd: Yeah. Betrayal five.
(He goes to high-five Turk, then karate chops him in the chest. Todd snatches the briefcase from Turk. Cut to Turk and J.D. walking out of the hospital with Dr. Wen's briefcase. The preceding fight scene was J.D's fantasy.))
Todd: Hey buddy. Betrayal five.
(He again karate chops Turk in the chest. Turk falls and Todd catches the briefcase.)
Todd: Dr. Wen!
Dr. Wen: Oh, my briefcase.
J.D.: You know, I totally saw that coming.
Open: Hospital parking lot. Turk and J.D. are walking in to work.
Turk: Dude, look at you! Thirty years old! All growed-up.
J.D.: Oh really, Turk? Because the Sacred Heart sign I vandalized last night begs to differ.
They look at the sign. The 'H' and part of the 'E' in 'Heart' have been painted over so that it now reads "SACRED FART". They laugh, but quickly stop as Janitor glares at them. Cut to hallway)
J.D.: Hey remember when we were in college we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by the time we turned thirty?
J.D.: Check it!
(He shows Turk his list. Turk reads it aloud.)
Turk: Things to do by thirty: Get married, buy a house, learn the difference between "Senator" and "Congressman." Dude, you haven't done any of these yet.
J.D.: I know, but who cares? I got all the time in the world. I mean I'm only turning thirty.
(J.D. enters the Admissions area where a bunch of kids are making a mess of the area.)
Kid: Thirty? What's thirty?
J.D.: Where did all of these unsupervised children come from?
(Cut to patient's room.)
Turk: So you wanted to talk to me about your appendectomy, Mrs...Appendectomy? Now that ain't right!
Patient: Look, 15% of all surgical complications are anesthesia-related, so I would like to use hypnosis instead of the traditional anesthesia.
Turk: Well I'd like to sleep with Beyoncé tonight instead of my wife, but that ain't happening either, you know what I'm saying?
(Patient look nonplussed)
Turk: Tell you what, I'll think about it.
(Cut to ICU)
Turk: My appendectomy patient wants me to use hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Cox: Lookit,I'd like to throw it in Gwen Stefani tonight instead of Jordan, but that ain't gonna happen either.
Carla: Dr. Cox!
Turk: Dr. Cox! No! Awful!
Carla: Hypnosis is a very powerful tool. It's helped people with depression, weight loss, it helped me to quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: Hypnosis is for birthday parties and bad Vegas lounges. Now you go tell your patient to let you do what you do best. Knock her out and then start digging around her like a blind man looking for a nickel.
Carla: I think you should do it.
Dr. Cox: Knock her out and dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig.
Carla: Do it.
Dr. Cox: Dig.
Turk: OK. I'm gonna go with Dr. Cox on this one.
Dr. Cox: That's a rookie move and you hate to see it. You always side with the wife, even if she's got a full-blown case of the crazies.
(Dr. Cox exits.)
Carla: Turk, we're gonna have kids soon. We're supposed to be a team. That means you occasionally have to listen to me and believe in my opinion. But what if we have a daughter and she wants to get her ears pierced?
Turk: Irrelevant. We're not having a daughter.
Carla: OK, what if we have a son and he wants to take dance class even though all his friends are playing football?
Turk: He can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind. [singing] 'Cause his friends don't dance and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine! Ess-ess-ess-ess-aye-aye-aye-aye-eff-eff-eff-eff-E!
(Cut to the bar)
Carla: Then I said, what if our son wants to take dance classes instead of play football with his friends? And Turk ran off singing "Safety Dance."
Elliot: Carla, didn't you learn your lesson when you told him Der Kommissar was in town?
Elliot: Ooh! Someone's leaving!
(Elliot and Carla rush to claim a vacated table. They reach it and sit at exactly the same time Jordan and Dr. Cox do.)
Dr. Cox: Huh.
Carla & Elliot: We saw it first.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, here's the plan. I'm gonna go ahead and cram an entire evening's worth of drinking into the next five minutes. Now you just make sure not to engage them. Be particularly aware of the blonde, talky one. I've worked with her before. She has no off button.
Carla: If money's so tight, why not have Jake move in with you?
Jordan: [gasps] Who's Jake?
(Dr. Cox slams the table.)
Dr. Cox: Jordan! No...
Elliot: He's this guy I've been going out with for awhile, but we're not ready to move in. He's a little closed off, you know?
Jordan: Uh, sweetie? Are you aware of who I live with?
(Jordan discreetly points at Dr. Cox)
Dr. Cox: Jordan Godzilla Sullivan, you stop that, and you stop it now!
Jordan: Why don't you try talking to humans for once? You might enjoy it!
Carla: Elliot, maybe you should be the one to open Jake up. You know, like Turk can be a little immature, like I always have to talk about my feelings over dinner or turn off his iPod during sex. I bet you could do the same thing with Jake.
Dr. Cox: [stiffly] Or, maybe you could pressure him, get dumped, throw on fifty pounds, start collecting knick-knacks and meet your future now, you know, before the loneliness burns too much? Whoaaa-ahahahahaha! Gosh, I did enjoy that!
[Elliot pounds her beer. Cut to hallway.]
Turk: Dude, you haven't done anything on this list. How could you never have slept naked on a hammock?
J.D.: I'm afraid of dragonflies. You know what, I'm not gonna make a big deal out of this. Neither one of us has made any headway with our lists.
Turk: First of all, don't lump me in with you, because I'm a surgeon, I'm married, I've had sex while playing Frogger and I'm gonna be a dad. I'm moving through my list.
J.D.: I've done nothing. I mean I did learn another language, but it was just that one where you slid a "b" sound in the middle of every word, and I was never fluent.
Turk: That secret language was so lame.
J.D.: No-b-t with the la-b-di-b-es...
Turk: Dr. Kelso! Do you have any idea who's gonna get those three attending spots next year?
Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year.
Turk: Three, if you're not counting the one going to me!
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart.
(He pauses to laugh.)
Dr. Kelso: Did you see the sign? [seriously] Though there will be no vandalism here, people! [laughing again] It was classic. Anyway, the key is to do something that will get noticed.
Turk: I don't know if you know this, but tomorrow I'll be doing an appendectomy using hypnosis instead of anesthesia.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it's about time. Hell's bells, son, when I say the name Turkleton, people laugh.
Turk: Maybe because that's not my name.
Dr. Kelso: Not yet, Turkleton. Not yet.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment. She and Jake are sitting on the couch.)
Jake: Elliot, I don't think I understand what you want.
Elliot: I just want you to open up, you know, emotionally, spiritually.
Jake: Well, I'm not exactly religious, you know, but I do think that God watches over my family and my favorite sports teams. Oh, and once in tenth grade He made Jennifer Martin sleep with me.
Elliot: OK. How about opening up sexually? What's your wildest fantasy?
Jake: Yeah, it's not happening.
Elliot: Come on! Sometimes in bed I feel like I'm the only one screaming.
Jake: Elliot, you're quiet as a mouse. All that screaming is in your head.
Elliot: Yeah, but in there, it's crazy...mmmmmm.
Jake: All right, fine. Why don't you tell me your wildest fantasy?
Elliot: [getting progressively caught up in her own fantasy] OK, fine. You're a Mexican apple thief, I run the cider house. I catch you hiding behind the stone mill, you chase me into the tasting room. Oh, if there's a crow in there, fine, if not, I can live with it. Anyway, we're all alone, you don't speak a word of English, but you teach me more about hard cider than I ever learned from my fermenting exams and our passion is so loud they can hear it all the way in the distillery...
(She breathes heavily, then catches herself.)
Elliot: Oh. God, I can be such an apple slut.
(Cut to ICU. A foot with a toe tag on it. J.D. enters.)
J.D.: When did we lose Mr. Heath?
Carla: Oh, we didn't, his vitals are fine.
J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
Doug: It's a slow day in the morgue, nothing's written in stone.
J.D.: You wrote a time of death.
Doug: I wrote one-ish.
J.D.: Get out of here!
Carla: Why are you so pissy?
J.D.: Carla, at 6:41 tomorrow evening I turn thirty. I have to find one thing on this list I can do by then.
(He hands her the list.)
Dr. Cox: Maybe you could swing by our parts department and pick up a pair of testes.
J.D.: Haven't you used that joke like, a trillion times?
Dr. Cox: I'm OK with it.
Carla: Invent a cereal? Complete a triathlon?
Dr. Cox: There's a triathlon tomorrow, Thing One and Thing Two have been training vigorously for it.
(Ted and Doug enter, marching in step. Doug is following close behind Ted.)
Doug: We're working on our drafting technique!
Dr. Cox: If your goal is to repel all women on the planet, then it's definitely working.
Ted: Ignoring him...and switch!
(Ted stops, Doug passes and Ted begins following Doug. They exit.)
J.D.: That's it! I'll do the triathlon!
Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!
J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal-inventing either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas and Nuts.
Carla: You're not serious about this, are you?
(Cut to a beach. J.D. stands in a group of people stretching and wearing wetsuits, swim caps and goggles except J.D., who is wearing a red Speedo instead of a wetsuit.)
J.D.: Why is everyone wearing wetsuits?
Doug: Because the water's like 49 degrees, dum-dum.
Ted: So what's your best time, buster?
J.D.: Honestly, Ted, it doesn't really matter. As long as I finish by 6:41 tonight.
J.D.'s Narration: The harder you push yourself to do something, the harder it is to back out. Whether you're caught in a lie with your wife...
(Cut to Nurse's Station.)
Carla: I heard you were doing the hypnosis surgery. You actually listened to me.
Turk: Hell yeah, I listened to you baby! Come on. That's the reason I'm doing it right? Because of you and how I listen.
(Carla hugs him. Turk looks mortified.)
Carla: I love you.
Turk: Love you.
J.D.'s Narration: Or whether you're just trying to get your boyfriend to open up.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment.)
Elliot: Come on, Jake, come in there and show me what you're really like. No one is going to judge you.
(Elliot and Jake enter the bedroom and close the door. It opens again and Elliot and Jake come out. Elliot looks weirded out.)
Elliot: Oh my God, Jake!
Jake: You want to talk about it, Elliot?
J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes, the only thing you can do is just dive in.
(Cut back to beach. A starting gun fires. Spectators cheer as J.D. and the other contestants run into the water. J.D. gets hit by a wave, runs back out, and slowly makes his way back in.)
J.D.: Ooh! Oh boy, that's cold! Oh God! Ahh! There's a little, here's some more, all right, ease it in, ease it in!
Open: The ocean. J.D. swimming the triathlon.
J.D.'s Narration: As I sidestroked through the salty waters of the great Pacific...
J.D.'s Thoughts: Pick an apple, put it in your pocket. Pick an apple, put it in your pocket...
J.D's Narration: ...I wondered if everyone was doing as well as I was.
(Cut to Admissions Area. There are cameras and reporters everywhere.)
Turk: Why are all these cameras here?
Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, this is quite the event here at Sacred Fart.
(Dr. Kelso laughs at his own joke.)
Dr. Kelso: I can't help it, it kills me. Yeah, we got visiting doctors, video crews, even that Japanese news anchor who slept with me when I convinced her I was an oil tycoon. [whispering] If she comes over here, my name is T-Bone.
(Dr. Kelso waves to the news anchor)
Dr. Cox: We're also getting a good bit of interest from the seismologist at Cal Tech who, I understand, will be able to chart the magnitude of the scream emanating from your hypnosis patient, as well as, of course, the numerous after-screams that are sure to follow.
Turk: No interviews!
(Turk puts his hand in front a camera pointed at him and exits the Admissions Area looking terrified.)
Carla: Turk. Turk! Where are you going?
Turk: I can't do this. I don't believe in any of this hypnotism crap! I only needed to impress Kelso!
Carla: Oh, so great, you lied to me!
Turk: I'm about to ruin my career by plunging a knife into a completely conscious person! But you know what? You're absolutely right. Let's focus on the line.
(Cut to J.D., now on the bicycle part of the triathlon. J.D. is riding in low gear, pedaling furiously and panting.)
J.D.'s Narration: As I reached the biking stage and finally realized what chafing was, I got a surprise visitor.
(Elliot rides up to him. She is riding very effortlessly as they are moving slowly. She rings the bell on her bike.)
Elliot: How's it going?
J.D.: [out of breath] Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
J.D.: That's a dangerous topic, talk to Carla.
Elliot: Yeah, any time I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.
(Flashback. Cut to hallway. Two interns are talking. Carla walks past.)
Intern: I've been dating this guy for a few weeks, but I just found out he went on a gay cruise last month.
Carla: Probably a cheap trip. Marry him and the four of us will have dinner.
Intern: But he also said he might be gay.
(End flashback. Cut back to Elliot and J.D.)
J.D.: Talking to you violates the two most important tenets of our relationship. One, keep discussions superficial and two, no talking while my boys are straddling chrome. That one's new.
Elliot: Why don't you just try a higher gear?
(Elliot reaches over and shifts gears on J.D.'s bike.)
J.D.: Agh! It's like pedaling in hummus!
Elliot: See you, buddy!
(Elliot pedals ahead as J.D. falters. He sees a crude plywood sign shaped like an arrow with "FINISH" painted on it.)
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, thank God, I think the bike part is finally over. Oh no.
(J.D. follows the sign and rides off the road down a very steep hill.)
J.D.: Whoooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Whoaahhh--OOF!
(J.D. tumbles past Janitor and wipes out. Janitor is holding a can of paint and a paintbrush.)
Janitor: I can play with signs, too!
(Cut to OR. A hypnotist hypnotizes the appendectomy patient.)
Turk: This is great. I'm being assisted by a magician.
Carla: The only way you're going to get through this is if you believe it's going to work.
(Turk pinches Carla's arm)
Turk: That was just a fingernail, honey, how would you like it if I cut out your appendix?!
Carla: Let's just forget for one second that hypnosis is used to lower bleeding, help recovering patients deal with pain. You are married now. So start believing what I tell you to believe.
(She shoves him)
Carla: And don't pinch me!
(Cut to J.D. on the run portion. He is walking slowly, looking delirious.)
J.D.'s Narration: During the run, dehydration set in.
(Ted and Doug walk past, wearing Hawaiian shirts and leis, carrying a roasted pig on a spit.)
Ted: Hang in there, buddy!
Doug: See you at the luau!
J.D.: [to himself] They already finished and cooked a pig?
Elliot: Hey, J.D.
(J.D. touches her face.)
J.D.: Oh, you're real. Although the dolphin costume is a little odd.
Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? And, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
J.D.: This is working.
Elliot: Not for me, I want to be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
J.D.: Well if he freaked you out, why don't you and talk to him?
(Cut to J.D.'s POV. Elliot is wearing a dolphin costume.)
Elliot: I don't know. You tell me.
(Cut back to 3rd person.)
J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You want to know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do that one of these days, he's going to open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that and you want to know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Must. Finish. Race.
(Cut to OR.)
Turk: (to himself) You can do this. You can do this.
Hypnotist [indistinct whispering]
Turk: What are you saying to her?
Hypnotist: You can do this. You can do this.
Turk: Small world. Scalpel. Making first incision.
(Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso and a handful of other doctors are watching through the observation window. Dr. Cox stuffs cotton balls into his ears and gives Turk the "go on" signal.)
Turk: Well, here goes.
(Turk makes an incision and pulls back quickly. The patient does not react.)
Turk: Hmm? All right. Clamps, please!
(Cut to J.D., walking even slower. It is near dusk.)
J.D.'s Narration: They say that in life, all good things must come to an end. Sometimes it comes quietly...
(cut to Elliot's apartment. Jake hands her a glass of white wine.)
Elliot: I like red.
Jake: You do?
Elliot: Jake, I think we need to talk.
(Cut to OR. Hypnotist continues to whisper in the patient's ear)
J.D.'s Narration: ...and sometimes, not so quietly.
(The patients eyes snap wide open.)
Hypnotist: You can do this! You can do this! You can do this!
(Turk looks at the group of doctors assembled to watch. All are shocked, except Dr. Cox, who laughs. Cut back to J.D.)
J.D.'s Narration: And suddenly, you realize you've taken something as far as you can go.
(J.D. collapses on the ground, which is littered with paper cups and popped balloons. Cut to Nurse's Station.)
Turk: What the hell was I thinking?
Carla: Turk. You did great, baby.
Dr. Kelso: She's right, Turkleton. Hell, without anesthesia you made it halfway through a surgery. I bet you could publish that.
Dr. Cox: Maybe they'll put it in "Almost" magazine.
Dr. Kelso: You know, Perry, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
Dr. Cox: How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.
(Dr. Kelso and Dr. Cox exit.)
Carla: See? My baby made some noise!
Turk: Yeah, I made some noise all right.
(Cut to J.D. It is night time and he is still lying on the ground. Elliot approaches and sits next to him.)
Elliot: J.D., what you said before, I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad.
J.D. [weakly] I said I knew you.
Elliot: Thanks. You were wrong about one thing, though. We are moving forward.
J.D.: Elliot, I'm thirty years old. I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.
Elliot: Why don't you just move into my place?
J.D.: Oh, great. Then we'll be two losers under one roof.
Elliot: By my watch, you've got eight minutes to finish this thing. Come on!
Elliot gets up. J.D. makes a weak attempt to sit up.)
J.D.'s Narration: A wise man once said the human spirit can overcome any obstacle.
J.D.: I can't...
Elliot: Come on.
(She tries to pull him up.)
J.D.'s Narration: That man had obviously never run a triathlon.
Elliot: Come on. Hooooooooorgh! You're not really helping! Rrgh!
(Cut to Turk and Carla waiting at the finish line. Behind them, the ground is littered with paper cups and debris, and there is a large banner above them that says "FINISH".)
Carla: Are you sure this is the finish line?
(Turk turns around.)
Turk: I think I see him.
(Cut to J.D. riding piggyback on Elliot as she carries him to the finish.)
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.
(J.D. and Elliot cross the finish line.)
J.D.: Woo-hoo! We made it! And with two minutes to spare!
J.D. & Elliot: Whoaa!
(They collapse on the ground and laugh.)
Turk: Baby, I'm not carrying him to the car.
(Cut to Elliot's apartment. J.D. and Elliot toast with a glass of red wine. J.D. has ice packs all over his body.)
Elliot: Promise to help me get through my thirtieth?
J.D.: Mmmhmm. Will you tell me what Jake's fantasy was?
J.D.: Did it involve chains?
J.D.: Candle wax?
J.D.: Was he a Mexican apple thief?
Elliot: [sighs] If only.