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My Common Enemy transcript

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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Common Enemy".

ActEdit

TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT The gang are playing Operation.

J.D.: Dammit! Brain Freeze is too hard. I knew I should've gone for Funny Bone.

Turk: Step aside! Ahh!

J.D.'s Narration: One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.

Turk: Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby?

Carla: That depends, what are we talking about?

J.D.: Ah-haa! Ha-haaa! Let's play again.

Turk: No.

J.D.: Oh, come on, if you do, I promise that every time I hit the buzzer I'll act like I'm getting electrocuted, like this:

He shakes violently and Carla laughs.

Turk: That's awesome, but no. My blood sugar's a little low.

Carla: You want a cookie?

J.D.'s Narration: Turk's blood sugar was low because he has Type II diabetes and hasn't figured out his medication yet.

J.D.: Mmmmm, Mulattos.

Carla: They're Milanos, you idiot.

J.D.: I always thought that was a little bigoted for a cookie.

Cut to... BAR -- LATER

J.D.'s Narration: Cookie racism aside, I had bigger problems. It had been three weeks since our dad died, and my brother Dan was still staying with me.

Dan: Boy, nothing like a little time off to remind you how hard you been working, huh?

J.D.: You bar tend three shifts a week.

Dan: Two. They dropped me one for doinking the Jell-o shot girl. Hey!

Elliot: Hey! Sorry I'm late.

She gives Dan a peck on the cheek with a "mwah."

J.D.'s Narration: Since I had dumped Elliot and broke her heart, she couldn't really be there for me. But thankfully she was there for my brother.

Elliot: You doing okay?

Dan: I am now. You know, without Elliot, I never woulda gotten through my dad's death.

J.D.: Our dad's death.

Dan: Right. Air-hockey?

Elliot: Mm.

They go off. J.D. spots a hot girl.

J.D.'s Narration: Oh, hellooo. Women are checking me out lately. Was it the ten push-ups I've been cranking out every other Sunday? Perhaps. More likely it was the pledge I made not to date anyone until Elliot did. See, since then, the gals have been all over me.

Girl: Can I buy you a drink?

J.D.: I'm sorry, sugar, this store is closed.

J.D.'s Narration: They've been all over me.

She puts her legs behind her head.

J.D.: Very impressive, but I'm sorry. You have some...gum...on your shoe.

She laughs, embarrassed.

SceneEdit

HOSPITAL -- HALL Dr. Kelso approaches Molly.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, do you have a minute?

Molly: Sure. I was just talking to Dr. Bromberg about switching shifts so that I can go to Mexico for my mom's wedding. I am so psyched! She is getting married to this guy that has been like a father to me since I was this big. Actually, maybe I was this big.... How tall was I in fourth grade?

Dr. Kelso: It's a mystery! Now, our old hospital psychiatrist used to write my wife, Enid, a prescription for crazy pills. He was a dear, dear friend, but he died or moved or something and now I need you to do the honors.

Molly: Have her come in for a few sessions, I'll gladly prescribe antidepressants.

Dr. Kelso: That's going to be a problem.

Molly: Why?

Dr. Kelso: She doesn't know she's taking them.

ON-CALL ROOM J.D.'s in the top bunk.

J.D.'s Narration: The key to sleeping in the on-call room is to block out the noises around you like snoring, teeth-grinding, or even....

There's a female moan.

J.D.'s Thoughts: ...on-call room nookie. Hello, my old friend, how I've missed you.

The woman moans, "Mmm, that feels good."

J.D.'s Thoughts: Yes, it does.

Her companion responds, "Ohh, yeah."

J.D.'s Thoughts: Time out, male moaning! Party's over!

J.D.: Hey!

He turns on a light to find Dan and Elliot on the bottom bunk.

J.D.: Woooogh!

Dan: Hey, little brother.

ActEdit

CAFETERIA J.D. and Turk are at a table.

Turk: You know, on 'The Sopranos,' if a guy caught his brother with his ex-girlfriend, he'd just rub his ass out!

J.D.: Oh, believe you me, the second I get Dan alone, there's gonna be some serious ass-rubbing. [beat] I shouldn't smack-talk.

Dan: Hey, mind if I join you guys?

Dr. Cox: I think the question you should be asking is, "Mind if I diddle your ex?" Oh, and just a great big congratulations on your on-going streak of being the world's worst older brother!

Dan: Thanks, Coxy!

J.D.'s Narration: I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.

J.D.: Listen, Dan--

Dan: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you, and then I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was a one-time thing.

J.D.: I'm okay with it.

Dan: [laughing] Great, 'cause it's been going on for a few weeks. Elliot's amazing! Smart, funny...hhhot. I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. Haven't felt this good since my dad died.

J.D.: Our dad.

Dan: Right.

Turk: Hold up! When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something. Did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?

Dan: A friend wouldn't ask and a gentleman wouldn't tell.

Turk: Did you?

Dan: Twice! But we didn't go under the sheets out of respect.

J.D.: [snide] How thoughtful!

SceneEdit

HALL Dr. Kelso talks to a woman.

Dr. Kelso: I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother. Our prayers go out to you and your family.

Woman: Thank you, Doctor. That's very kind.

Dr. Kelso: That'll be seventeen hundred dollars.

Carla: Sir. Sir? It is not your job to collect money from patients!

Dr. Kelso: I know, but I just fired the woman who usually does it.

Carla: You fired Glenda? Why?

      • FLASHBACK: HALL

Glenda speaks to a couple of new parents.

Glenda: Oh, how precious! Mind if I hold him?

Father: Go right ahead.

Glenda: Oh. Aww.

She bolts.

Glenda: I FINALLY GOT A BABY!

BACK TO PRESENT***

Dr. Kelso: She was stealing from the hospital.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, Dr. Clock. Uh, look, I'm afraid I wasn't being honest with you before. In my job, it seems like I'm always the bad guy. Hard as this is to admit, it gets to me sometimes. The point is, the antidepressants I asked you to prescribe weren't for my wife, they were for me.

Molly: Oh, I understand. So what dosage are you on?

      • FLASHBACK: DR. KELSO'S KITCHEN

Enid: [from other room] Where are my Fig Newtons, Bob?!

Dr. Kelso: I'm getting them, dear!

BACK TO PRESENT***

Dr. Kelso: About half a Newton?

Molly: No dice.

Dr. Cox clears his throat.

Molly: Hey!

Dr. Cox: Boy, oh boy, does it look like you pissed off the wrong guy there, crunchy. And trust me, he'll make you pay.

Molly: Oh, Dr. Kelso's all bluster. Underneath it all, I bet he's a sweetheart.

Dr. Cox: No, no. Underneath it all, he is pure evil.

Molly: Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.

Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.

Molly: So they'd have more of a nougaty center?

Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bobble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

Molly: I'm touching your creamy center!

Dr. Cox: Ohh, I am...so very angry...that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong. Uhhh.

J.D. backs out of the area.

SceneEdit

HALL / NURSES' STATION J.D. and Turk are walking through.

Turk: Why you acting like that whole Dan and Elliot thing doesn't bother you?

J.D.: Because it doesn't.

Turk: Dude, you're missing a great opportunity here, man. If you act like it bothers you, Elliot'll feel guilty and she'll finally forgive you for dumping her. I'm telling you, you gotta use this like I use my diabetes. Watch.

Turk: Honey? My blood sugar's dipping.

Carla: Don't move!

She rushes off in fast motion to fetch him a sandwich.

Turk: Thanks, sweetness!

J.D.: Oh my God! This could be my diabetes!

Turk: Exactly. But you gotta use it before that window closes. Lucky for me, my diabetes window stays open 24/7.

J.D.: Unless, God forbid, they find a cure.

Turk: Amen, brother.

Cut to... ADMISSIONS J.D. passes Dr. Kelso talking to the new parents.

Dr. Kelso: Bye, folks. You'll notice I knocked a hundred dollars off the bill because of the, uh, you know, baby-stealing thing.

Continue... OUTSIDE Dan and Elliot are on J.D.'s scooter.

J.D.'s Narration: Turk was right. Lying to Elliot was the perfect way to get our friendship back to normal.

Dan: Thanks for the loaner scooter, Johnny!

J.D.: I wanna talk to you for a second! Can you turn that thing off?

Dan: Sorry!

He turns the scooter off, but a motorcycle gang have their bikes revving.

Hell's Angel: Sorry!

They turn their bikes off, but a tree-climber has his saw going.

Tree-Climber: Sorry!

Finally, silence.

J.D.: Look, when I caught you two yesterday, I didn't know what to say. But now I do. You really hurt me.

Dan: Okie-dokie.

Everybody starts up their motors again.

J.D.: GUYS! THERE ARE SICK PEOPLE TRYING TO SLEEP!

Again, silence.

Elliot: J.D., are you really this upset?

J.D.: Well how would you feel if I hooked up with one of your siblings?

Elliot: A little confused considering I have four brothers. But not surprised. At you or Barry.

J.D.: Barry?

Elliot: I guess I just didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

J.D.: Well obviously you did, or you woulda told me about it from the beginning.

He turns on his heel.

J.D.'s Thoughts: That one had to sting. I really wanna look back and see if it landed, but I'll have to go back to sad face first.

He looks back at her sadly, to see her guilt-ridden expression.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, it landed!

SceneEdit

I.C.U. -- NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso approaches Molly.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, may I have a word?

Dr. Cox: Uh-oh, it's payback time.

Dr. Kelso: I got you a present for your trip to Mexico. It's my old Spanish-to-English dictionary. I don't need it anymore -- I've mastered the language.

Molly: Gracias, Señor.

Dr. Kelso: You're welcome-o!

Molly: You were right -- payback's a bitch.

Dr. Cox beats his hands on the table in angry.

Cut to... HALL Dr. Kelso is talking to Carla.

Dr. Kelso: Well, just get back to me when you have an answer.

Carla: Baby, check this out.

Turk: Mm?

Carla: Dr. Kelso just offered me Glenda's old job as administrative supervisor.

Turk: Oh, that's great, sweetie.

Carla: The job pays an extra seven thousand dollars a year!

Turk: My baby's an administrative supervisor!

She squeals giddily.

Turk: Let's celebrate! Whatever you want!

Carla: Ohh! Let's go shopping for a new duvet cover!

Turk: Oh, I'd love to! But my diabetes is acting up.

Cut to... NURSES' STATION Dr. Kelso is flipping through a phonebook.

Dr. Cox: Bob. We have a problem.

Dr. Kelso: Not now, Perry, I'm swamped. I'm trying to find an exterminator to kill the bat in my attic.

Dr. Cox: Be a man, Bob! That's what tennis racquets are for!

      • FLASHBACK: DR. KELSO'S ATTIC

Dr. Kelso is facing the bat like a man, with his dog acting as backup.

Dr. Kelso: Oh, good lord! He got Baxter!

BACK TO PRESENT***

Dr. Kelso: Try telling that to my one-eared dog.

Dr. Cox: Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?

Dr. Kelso: With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the board for trying to con her out of meds.

Dr. Cox: Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!

Dr. Kelso: Well that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.

Dr. Cox: Exactly!

Dr. Kelso: Oh, sweet Moses. Everything has gone straight down the crapper since Enid got off the antidepressants.

Dr. Cox: I didn't know Enid suffered from depression.

Dr. Kelso: She doesn't. Those pills kill her sex drive.

Dr. Cox: Oh!

SceneEdit

DOCTORS' LOUNGE(?)

J.D.: Dude, your idea totally worked!

Turk: Incoming, man.

Elliot passes the door.

J.D.: MY OWN BROTHER! WHY!? [punches wall] Ohh, God, it hurts so bad!

Turk: You can stop now, she's gone.

J.D.: No, I think I broke my hand.

J.D.'s Narration: There's nothing more satisfying than having a good plan.

HALL / ELEVATOR Molly disembarks, passing Cox and Kelso.

Molly: Goodnight, amigos.

Dr. Cox &: 'Night. Dr. Kelso

J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes a plan can crystallize in a moment.

Dr. Kelso: What are we gonna do?

Dr. Cox: Let's destroy her.

J.D.'s Narration: And sometimes a plan can fall apart just as quickly.

NURSES' STATION(?)

Turk: Ehhh? So when do you start your new job?

Carla: I turned it down.

Turk: What?

Carla: I know it's a dream job, but with your diabetes I think you need me more.

She kisses him.

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, in my plan nobody gets hurt.

TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT -- BATHROOM

Dan: Hey, little brother.

J.D.: AAAAGGGHHH! What are you doing back in the tub!?

Dan: Elliot dumped me.

J.D.'s Narration: ...Except my brother.

ActEdit

Dan: [vaguely tuneful wailing] She's gone! She's gone! Ohh, why? Ohh, why. Better llllearn how to f-face it. She's gone, she's gone! Ohhhhoh, why! Ohhh, why! What went wrooooong!

J.D.: Don't you think you're overreacting?

Dan: No, J.D., I don't, because Elliot was the best thing that ever happened to me and now she's gone. [wailing] Ahhhh...she's gone! She's gone. She's...gone! She's gone...she's gone.

J.D.: That's not even the right gibberish!

Dan: You know what, J.D.? Elliot and I were supposed to have a big romantic evening together, and look at all this stuff I bought. Candles. Champagne. A Dido CD. [choking up] I guess I'll just throw these things out with rest of the garbage.

He heads for the door.

J.D.: Oh, come on, don't go. We can watch 'Kangaroo Jack' and chug a Foster's every time they say "g'day"!

Dan: G'day, J.D.

J.D.: Dan!

Dan: [accent] I said g'day!

SceneEdit

HOSPITAL -- NURSES' STATION

Turk: Baby, you have to take this job.

Carla: Let it go. It's done!

Turk sputters in frustration.

J.D.: You okay?

Turk: No. Sometimes I wish I'd never gotten this stupid diabetes!

J.D.: Hey! Let's not get crazy!

SceneEdit

HALL Molly walks through, whistling the 'Andy Griffith Show' theme.

Dr. Cox: Dear God, she has an actual skip in her step.

Dr. Kelso: Doesn't bother me as much as the whistling. Watch what happens.

The whistling catches on with those she passes, including Ted the Lawyer.

Dr. Kelso: Why are you whistling, Ted? Your life is pathetic.

Ted: Right.

Dr. Kelso: Perry, what's our plan of attack?

Dr. Cox: When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.

Dr. Kelso: I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves!

Dr. Cox: Aha.

Janitor: I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them I'd show ya.

J.D. backs out of the area.

Janitor: He's near.

Dr. Cox: I'm not sure moon-beam is going to break so easily. I just wish we knew something personal that would really get to her.

Cut to... CAFETERIA Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso approach Molly's table.

Dr. Kelso: Turns out you can't go to your mom's wedding. There's too much shift-switching going on here and I don't like shift-switching. It's too hard to say!

Dr. Cox: Awww. That wasn't very soft and creamy.

Molly: It's okay. He has a hospital to run, I understand.

She gets up and leaves, whistling. And it quickly spreads to everyone in the cafeteria.

Dr. Cox: Good God. She can't be stopped.

SceneEdit

HALL Turk talks to Dr. Kelso.

Dr. Kelso: Let me get this straight: You want me to offer your wife the same job she's already turned down. Is that about the size of it, Turkleton?

Turk: Actually, sir, my last name isn't Turkleton, it's just Turk. As in Chris Turk.

Dr. Kelso: I prefer Turkleton.

Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything -- I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer--I'll volunteer at the clinic -- whatever you want!

Dr. Kelso: Ahh! I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic!

Turk: You keep Enid in the attic?

Dr. Kelso: [laughs] You make me laugh, Turkleton. 8 o'clock, sharp. And wear goggles.

Turk: Yes!

SceneEdit

ELLIOT'S APARTMENT BUILDING -- HALL J.D. knocks on the door.

J.D.'s Narration: I decided the only way Elliot would take Dan back is if she knew the truth -- that their being together didn't really bother me.

Elliot answers wearing a sexy teal negligee, music playing in the background.

J.D.: Elliot, we need to talk. Nice jammies!

Elliot: [laughs] Thanks, they're new!

J.D.: This'll only take a second.

He pushes his way in.

J.D.: Look, you know how I told you I was upset about you and Dan? Is that champagne?

Elliot: Yeah. Yeah, I was celebrating my...new jammies.

J.D.: I love champagne. You mind if I have a little? [she gives him a glass] Thank you. A nipper!

He takes a sip.

J.D.: Ahh! Tingly! It's a tingly drink! Oooooh! Pretty candles! Anyhoo, I know you broke up with Dan because you thought I was upset, but in reality, I...uh...I...[singing] "I want to thank you! For giving me the best day of my life..." I love this song, who is it?

Elliot: Dido. And you've really got to meet my brother Barry.

J.D.: Dido?

Dan: [voiceover] Look at all this stuff I bought. Candles. Champagne. A Dido CD.

J.D.: Dan?

Dan pops up from behind the kitchen counter.

Dan: Hey, little brother!

J.D.: AAGGHH!

Dan: Agh!

He takes a sip of his champagne.

Dan: Tingles.

SceneEdit

HOSPITAL -- NURSES' STATION

Turk: Carla, we have to talk.

Carla: Is it your blood sugar again? I'll get you something!

She grabs Ted's ice cream sandwich out of his hand.

Turk: Baby, I feel fine. It's just that I kinda been using my diabetes to get you to, you know, hook me up with sandwiches and whatnot.

Carla: I can't believe you!

She grabs the treat away from Turk and hurls it into the trash.

Ted: Oh, man! I brought that from home!

Turk: Look, baby, before you get freaked out, I fixed it already. Look!

Dr. Kelso: Nurse Turkleton! I wanted to offer you that job once more!

Carla: I don't want it!

Dr. Kelso: Great! See you Saturday, bat-man.

Turk: Baby, what the hell!

Carla: Umm.... Maybe I decided right away that I didn't want that job because I'd miss working with patients but I didn't tell you because you were excited about the money, so I used your diabetes as an excuse. I don't know...I don't really remember.....

Ted has retrieved his treat from the trash and takes a tentative taste.

Ted: Tastes funny.

SceneEdit

BUSHES Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso watch Molly, who's sitting on a bench.

Dr. Cox: You see, Bob, it didn't even faze her.

Dr. Kelso: Patience, Perry. With a tough one like her, you have to wait for it.

Dr. Kelso: Here it comes.

Molly drops her face to her hands.

Dr. Kelso: And we've broken her! There sits a dejected a woman, all alone, wounded, vulnerable....

Dr. Cox: Crying.

Dr. Kelso: She's ruining it for me.

Dr. Cox: [grumbles] Lady, stop cryin'!

They emerge from the bushes.

Dr. Kelso: Dr. Clock, you don't have to miss your wedding. I was lying about shift-switching. I like doing it, I like saying it -- shift-switching. And I only lied because we were trying to destroy your morale.

Molly: Why would you do that?

Dr. Cox: Well, in our defense, you're overly cheery and we were bored.

Molly: But you thought it would be nice to come clean and make me feel better?

Dr. Kelso: Pretty much. & Dr. Cox: Pretty much, yeah.

Molly: See, I told you there's good in everyone. If you'll excuse me, boys, I've got a plane to catch.

Dr. Cox: Don't even pretend like you knew what we were doing all along.

A car pulls up and honks.

Molly: Adios, boys.

She pulls on a floppy straw hat and goes to her car.

Dr. Cox: Was she always wearing that big hat?

SceneEdit

ELLIOT'S APARTMENT

J.D.: I can't believe you two never broke up. Dan was in my tub for four hours, drinking beers and singing "She's Gone."

Dan: How do you take a bath?

J.D. looks at him.

Dan: Okay, I'm gonna get dressed. Hey, Elliot, do you mind if I borrow one of your socks? I seem to have lost my righty in the fray! [spots it on the ceiling fan] Oh! There you are, high-flyer! [sniffs it] Hm!

Elliot: J.D., Dan and I both know this is just a fling. Still, I feel like the worst person in the whole world. Please, can you forgive me?

J.D.: Elliot, I came here to tell you I was never actually mad at you.

Elliot: How could you not be mad that I was hooking up with your brother?

J.D.: I don't know. I just...wasn't. How could you hook up with my brother without considering my feelings?

Elliot: I don't know I--I just didn't.

J.D.'s Narration: That's when I realized that Elliot and I had absolutely no romantic feeling for each other anymore.

      • FANTASY: J.D. and Elliot face each other totally naked, Dido playing in the background.

J.D.'s Narration: No matter what the situation.

The two eye each other critically, with detached interest.

J.D.'s Narration: It was a little sad, but, who knows? Maybe it meant we could be friends again.

BACK TO REALITY***

Dan: [from other room] Hey! I can't find my Dido CD!

J.D. clutches the disc.

J.D.: [whispering] If my heart could write songs, they'd sound like these.

Elliot smiles. Jet's "Move On" comes up.

J.D.'s Narration: I think relationships are inherently fragile. They can be strengthened by a shared excuse.

TURK & J.D. & CARLA'S APARTMENT Carla's on the phone.

Carla: Turk! We just got invited to Linda's Jack & Jill bridal shower. Do you mind if I use your diabetes to get out of it?

DR. KELSO'S ATTIC Turk's on his cell phone.

Turk: Of course not, baby!

He hangs up and lowers his mask.

Turk: And now....it's bat-killing time!

The bat makes its move.

Turk: Wahow! Good lord!

Turk screams.

J.D.'s Narration: Others can be torn apart by the loss of a common enemy.

HOSPITAL

Dr. Cox: I hate you, Bob.

Dr. Kelso: Same times a thousand, big guy.

BAR Dan and Elliot finish their drinks.

Dan: Well, goodnight, little bro.

J.D.: Oh, goodnight, Dan. Sleep tight. There's a bus schedule underneath your pillow.

J.D.'s Narration: And for Elliot and I...turns out all we needed was a little time.

Elliot: 'Night, J.D.

She gives him a hug.

J.D.: What was that for?

She shrugs and goes.

J.D.'s Narration: The good news was this Elliot and Dan thing meant that I was back on the market!

He turns to the contortionist girl from before.

J.D.: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: No thanks.

J.D.'s Narration: Yep! I'm back, baby!

J.D.: [to the bartender] More nuts, please.

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