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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Case Study".


Act
Edit

Open: Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
Turk: Who wants another beer?
Elliot: Should I have another one? 'Cause I go to work early tomorrow, but I'm having fun now, except I had a pizza earlier and---
Turk: Elliot.
Elliot: Yes, please!
Carla: Me too, babe?
J.D.: I'll give you a hand.
J.D.'s Narration: When you spend most of your time together as a part of a group, if you're left alone, it can get pretty awkward. There can be...uncomfortable silences.
A rumbling sound.
Elliot: [stammering] Th-th-that-that was-that was my tummy.
Carla: Oh, right.
Cut to...
Hospital
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Murphy, describe the presentation of Ludwig's Angina.
Doug: Uh...
J.D.'s Narration: Still, it's nothing compared to the silence you can hear at work.
Dr. Kelso: Proud to have you on board, son. Anyway, I'm sending one of you to an AMA conference where you're going to eat free food, stay at a nice hotel, and try your darnedest not to embarrass this hospital. And in the interest of fairness, I drew a name out of a hat and that name was Elliot Reid.
Elliot: [ecstatic] Yes! I never win at anything!
Dr. Kelso: And then I thought--- Oh, who cares what I thought -- the point is, you're not going.
Dr. Kelso: You see, it seems as though all you lazy bones have forgotten my edict about residents publishing case reports. That's why I've decided that whoever brings me the most interesting case gets the ticket to Reno.
Doug: You know, sir, my parents live in Reno.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just great, sport; I'm sure you'll see them over Christmas.
{His beeper goes off.}
Dr. Kelso: Criminy.
J.D.'s Narration: There aren't many things that can make the Chief of Medicine move that fast. But whenever we get a patient who has the same name as a wing of the hospital, you can pretty much predict Kelso's behavior.
Cut to...
A Patient's Room
***Fantasy Sequence:
Dr. Kelso examines the anatomy of the patient.
Dr. Kelso: Would you like it, uh, high up on the cheek? Or do you prefer this fleshy part in the middle? [smooch]
****
Mrs. Warner: I'm trying to decide who's the most detestable suck-up here - you? This feminine guy with the perm?
Guy: Mom! Please.
Mrs. Warner: Or the one in the corner who can't seem to stop daydreaming.
***Fantasy Sequence:
****
J.D.: I'm sorry, what?
{Dr. Cox enters, clearing his throat.}
Mrs. Warner: Oh, great, another sycophant.
Dr. Cox: Listen up, there, Molly Menopause, I need you to quiet the hell down, you're scaring everyone in the hospital. I mean, my God - they're delivering a baby upstairs, and the poor kid's using the umbilical cord to crawl the hell back in.
Mrs. Warner: Now you listen to me---
{Dr. Cox whistles, which shuts her up.}
Dr. Cox: I mean it, sister.
Mrs. Warner: Okay. From now on, he's my doctor. The rest of you can get the hell out of here.
Dr. Cox: Scram.
J.D.: Wait. Is that easy to manage?
OPENING THEME

ACTEdit


Re-open: Patient's Room
Dr. Cox: Okay, I'm Dr. Cox, and this is...my gal, Friday; she'll be helping me to take care of you but, before we get under way, we're gonna need you to ease up on the yakety-yak.
Mrs. Warner: You can drop the macho act now, dear, they're gone.
Dr. Cox: Yak, schmack, the lips stay zipped.
J.D.: Zipped, schmipped.
J.D.: Oh, I thought we were riffing.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, we're not.
Mrs. Warner: Well, aren't you delicious. If I were twenty years younger and slightly tipsy, this might be your lucky day.
Dr. Cox: Careful, there, sweet-cheeks. I haven't decided which way I'm going to take your temperature yet.
Cut to...
The Hall
J.D.: Wow. She had some real old-fashioned sass. I mean, you just don't see sass like that anymore.
Dr. Cox: Stop saying sass.
J.D.: Sass.
Doug: Ummmmmmm. Dr. Cox? I have a patient with blennorrhea, and I was wondering if you thought that was interesting enough to present to Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Cox: Gosh, I'm sorry, nervous guy, but I just can't do your work for you. But, what do you say you head on down to the library and look it up in the New England Journal of Who Gives a Rat's Ass? You've got to leave this instant - this second - this moment. Just go.
Dr. Cox: Boy. Now tell me this, muffin: You're not gonna be like all the other mindless drones trying to turn the sniffles into something much more fascinating just so you're the one who's selected to go to this stupid conference, are you?
J.D.'s Narration: I felt I knew the right answer.
J.D.: [uncertain] No...?
Dr. Cox: Ohh! Good girl.

SceneEdit


Nurses' Station
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Roberts. I just saw your patient in 106, and I've decided that the next time you place an IV and actually hit the vein on the first try, I'm gonna crack open a bottle of bubbly. I mean, my God, woman, the man looks like Al Jarreau was his nurse.
Nurse Roberts: What?
Dr. Kelso: Isn't he the blind fellow?
Nurse Roberts: You mean Ray Charles?
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Anyway, you're incompetent.
Nurse Roberts: [to self] Easy, Laverne. You're a saved woman!
Carla: Don't worry. Remember tomorrow's his wedding anniversary.
Cut to...?
Elliot: Why does that matter?
Dr. Cox: 'Cause right about tomorrow, Bob Kelso will be sweeter than flowers dipped in honey.
Cut to...
OR
Dr. Wen: Which is why every year we use this time as an opportunity to ask him for anything our department needs. Like equipment.
Back to the Nurses' Station...
Carla: Or an extra nurse on weekends.
Back to...?
Todd: Or a Slip 'n Slide! Who's with me!?
???: Shut up.
Turk: I don't get it, Dr. Wen. Why would Kelso's anniversary make him less of a jerk than usual?
Dr. Wen: Well, tonight after work, Dr. Kelso will take his wife to a candlelit dinner. Then, after they've toasted to forty wonderful years together, they'll go home and....
Back to...?
Dr. Cox: [clap] Oh! Bam! [clap] Oh! Bam! [clap]
Back to the Nurses' Station
Carla: I actually think it's really sweet that at their age they still....
Back to...?
Dr. Cox: Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Cut to...
The Nurses' Station
Turk: And then -- Bam! -- Dr. Wen points to me, and now guess who has to go ask Dr. Kelso for a new Argon Laser tomorrow?
Carla: I'm sorry, baby.
Turk: I'm outta here.
Carla: All right.
{They kiss.}
Turk: Damn Argon Laser.
Elliot: Carla, do you think we'd hang out as much if it weren't for J.D. and Turk?
Carla: Uhhhh.... Probably not. I mean, they are the one thing we have most in common.
Elliot: We have a lot in common! I mean, we both have a hard time digesting dairy!
Carla: You're right! Do you want to be my maid of honor?
Carla: Elliot. I don't know why you're tying to force this. We're fine! I gotta get back to work.
Elliot: We both work.
Doug: So...have you found any cool cases yet?
J.D.: Look, muffin, I'm not gonna run around this hospital like the rest of you mindless drones trying to turn the sniffles into something fascinating just so you can go to some stupid conference.... Schmonference.
J.D.'s Thoughts: It's fun to rhyme!
Elliot: What's stupid? It's an amazing networking opportunity. Doesn't matter, though, 'cause I've got it wrapped up, anyway.
Doug: Why, do you have something better than my guy with blennorrhea?
Elliot: Doug, if I told you, you would not believe it.
***Fantasy Sequence:
Elliot: And, as you can see, the ass is on the front.
Crowd: Bravo! Bravo!
****
J.D.: Front butt.... It's like the grail.
Elliot: Oh, did you say something, Mr. Too Scared To Get In The Game?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Don't get sucked in!
J.D.: You know, I have an interesting patient, too.
Cut to...
Patient's Room
J.D.: So, basically, Mr. Davis, you received a blunt trauma to the fibrous tissue of the corpus cavernosum.
Mike: Great, and that means....?
J.D.: You broke your penis.
Mike: Wow. I can't wait to get my cast signed.
J.D.: I-I gotta tell you, it's such an unusual case.... Would you mind if I try and get it published in a medical journal?
Mike: That would be fantastic!
J.D.: I'll let you...mull it over. And smile, Mr. Davis - tomorrow's gonna be a better day...for everyone.
Cut to...
Hall
*** Surreal Sequence: Dr. Kelso's Good Mood
Nurse: Dr. Kelso, happy anniversary!
Nurse: Excuse me, sir.
Male Nurse: Sir. Whoa!
****

SceneEdit


A Patient's Room
Elliot: Carla. I figured out why we don't hang out more.
Carla: That's great, Elliot. Pins and needles, really, but I'm prepping a patient for surgery, here.
Elliot: Oh, Mrs. Kellerman's my patient, too. I traded with Doug so we could talk.
Mrs. Kellerman: Oh, are you two friends?
Elliot: We're about to be.
Carla: Oh, my God.
Elliot: You're still stuck on your first impression of me: That I am some narrow-minded, spoiled brat.
Carla: Elliot, not now, okay?
Elliot: When I was a kid, I was really close with my maid.
Carla: That's it.
She pulls Elliot behind the privacy curtain.
Carla: So you think that you totally get my whole experience because you spent time with a Latina woman who cleaned your house?
Elliot: What are you talking about? Our maid was white.
Carla: What was her name?
Elliot: C-Consuela.
Elliot: [desperate] Look, you know that I don't always say the right thing, but you also know how hard I'm trying! So, yeah, I guess you're right - we have nothing in common, because I only have things in common with nice people.
Carla: Oh, so---
Mrs. Kellerman: You two realize I can still hear ya, right?
Elliot
&: Hi!
Carla

SceneEdit


Hall
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Carlson, if Pediatrics needs a new bronchoscope, you're gonna get one. Love to the wife and kidlets. Who's next?
Janitor: Hey, do me a favor: Hold my place in line.
J.D.: For how long?
Janitor: Uhh, I don't know.
J.D.: Well, why? What do you have to do?
Janitor: Nothin'. Might just veg.
Cut to...
Nurses' Station
J.D.: No, seriously, try me -- I can deal with anything.
Nurse Roberts: Go away.
J.D.: "Go aschmay."
Nurse Roberts: All right, try this one....
Dr. Cox: Angie. Put on your flats, we're going for a walk.
J.D.: "Eat _schmit_ and die."
J.D.'s Narration: Around here, life can be full of surprises. Some are as simple as forgetting something you were supposed to ask for....
Cut to...?
Turk: Dr. Kelso! Is he gone?
J.D.'s Narration: Some are so unexpected that everything else takes a back-seat.
Cut to...
Patient's Room
Elliot: I'm sorry, Mrs. Kellerman, I don't even know what kind of surgery you're having.
Mrs. Kellerman: I'm getting big, fake breasts.
J.D.'s Narration: And some you never thought you'd hear.
Cut to...
Hall
Dr. Cox: Listen, Newbie, I don't tell you I respect you a lot because, well, I don't.
J.D.: I know.
Dr. Cox: But, I gotta say, the fact that you're not jumping through Kelso's hoops like the rest of these peons---
Dr. Cox: ---Yes, you. Forever you. A thousand times you. Move!
Doug: Ow.
Dr. Cox: Anyway, let's make pretend it's your birthday or something, because I'm...ah, hell, I'm impressed.
Dr. Cox: Let's get some coffee.
J.D.'s Thoughts: This is great! There's only one problem.
J.D.'s Narration: You see, ten minutes ago....
*** Flashback: Patient's Room
Mike: What the hell. Go ahead and use me in your case report.
J.D.: I'm goin' to Reno! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
****
Dr. Cox: Beg your pardon, Newbie? What are ya thinkin'?
J.D.: Not about Reno.
Dr. Cox: Thatta girl. Let's go.

ACTEdit


Re-open: Hall
J.D.'s Narration: In every sip of the coffee that Dr. Cox bought me, I could taste my own hypocrisy.
He slips and falls.
J.D.'s Narration: Thank God my hypocrisy missed me.
Janitor: The reason I wanted you to stand in line for me is 'cause I needed a new mop. See, the floors are all slippery 'cause this one doesn't work. You know why it doesn't work?
J.D.: It's out of mop gas?
Janitor: No. 'Cause it's so old it won't soak up water.
He holds the mop over J.D.'s face. It drips all over him.
Janitor: See?
J.D.'s Narration: Something in that filthy mop water woke me up. I decided I could have my cake and eat it, too.
J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Cox would never know.
Cut to...
Patient's Room
Dr. Cox: Whatta ya say, there, bridge club? How ya feelin'?
Mrs. Warner: I feel like crap. What the hell's wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: Your abdominal pain suggests you have biliary disease, but all your tests came back negative so...we don't exactly know what's wrong with you.
J.D.: But don't worry - Dr. Cox and I never say die!
J.D.: Unless, of course, someone actually dies; then we're kind of forced to by law.
Mrs. Warner: He's talking again.
Dr. Cox: Ohh, come on, the kid's okay.
J.D.'s Thoughts: "The kid"? This is great.
Mrs. Warner: So, why haven't I heard your name before?
J.D.: Well, I've only been here a year, and he's actually just started calling me "The Kid" - which I love, by the way.
Dr. Cox: She's talking to me, pumpkin.
J.D.: Okay.
Mrs. Warner: Seriously, you should be more than just an attending; let me make a phone call.
Dr. Cox: I'm...not so good with hand-outs.
Mrs. Warner: Well, come on, I'm only putting in a good word.
Dr. Cox: I'll tell you what, there, bubby: If you really wanna help me, why don't you quiet down and get yourself some rest. And then, if you're a really good girl, I'll wind up your car and take you out to a talkie.
Mrs. Warner: Oh, I could do naughty things to that man.
J.D.: Uncomfortable....

SceneEdit


Patient's Room
Elliot: You're getting fake breasts?
Mrs. Kellerman: Stripper big.
Carla: Forgive me, Mrs. Kellerman, but why would you wait until now to do this?
Elliot: You know, 'cause you're so old!
Carla: Yeah, Elliot, she gets that.
Elliot: Yeah, I know! I'm sure she gets it all the time!
Mrs. Kellerman: Look, I've been self-conscious my whole life; and I finally got the courage. Besides, can you two honestly say there's not one thing you'd change about yourself if you could?
Carla: I can honestly say that.
Elliot: Me too.
Mrs. Kellerman: Then you're both liars!
Todd: Hey, Mrs. K. Let's get you into a fresh pair of blouse bunnies.

SceneEdit


Hall
Turk: The hell with this "there's only one day to ask Kelso for stuff" thing. Shoot - I'm getting that argon laser today.
Surreal Sequence: Dr. Kelso's Bad Mood
Turk: Hey, Dr. Kelso!
Turk: So uncool.
****
Dr. Kelso: What?
Turk: Nothing.
Dr. Kelso: And you?
J.D.: Nothing, sir. I don't want anything from you, ever.
Dr. Kelso: You know, that's what my son always says. But then when Mother's Day rolls around, guess who wants me to go halvsies on a pasta pot for Enid?
J.D.: Well, sir, I---
Dr. Kelso: She's not _my_ mother, dammit!
Dr. Kelso: Oh. And don't think that I've forgotten that you have yet to turn in a case report. You have until six.
Cut to...
Patient's Room
J.D.: You can't just change your mind!
Mike: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I pass out from the pain in my penis and suddenly we're not in America anymore?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Crap.

SceneEdit


Admissions Area
Janitor: What's this?
J.D.: It's a mop.
Janitor: Yeah, I got that. I mean why'd you get it for me?
J.D.: 'Cause I, uh, thought it would be nice. Why, don't you like it?
J.D.: Well?
Janitor: Hang on.

SceneEdit


Doctors Lounge
 
Turk: Man, today could not get any worse.
Carla: If you were to change one thing about my physical appearance, what would it be?
Turk: You're testing me. I get it!
Carla: Baby. You know I don't like you talkin' to God while we're trying to have a discussion.
Turk: Mm-hmm.
Carla: Now, if I were to be really honest with myself, I would change everything. What do you think?
Turk: Why don't we just skip what I think and jump straight ahead to not having sex for a month?
Turk: Are all women this crazy?
Cut to...
Elliot's Place -- Bathroom
Elliot's Thoughts: I hate my cheeks. Suck them in.
Elliot: I'll take some of that.
Elliot's Thoughts: Oh, that's right, work it, baby. Mm. Now you're smokin'.
Elliot: God, I'm hideous.

SceneEdit


Patient's Room
Dr. Cox: Good news, Mrs. Warner: I think we got a pretty good idea what's going on in there....
J.D.'s Thoughts: So I don't have a case to present. At least this way, we get to stay a team.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] So, anyway, it turns out the EGD showed multiple erosive peptic ulcers, and the secretin injection test was positive, all of which suggest that you have gastrinomas in Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome.
Mrs. Warner: In English, please!
Dr. Cox: Your stomach acid is eroding your own intestines. It's remarkable - I've never actually seen anything like it before. Newbie, you?
J.D.: No.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized Mrs. Warner was the most interesting case in the hospital.
Dr. Cox: Whole thing's very treatable. We're gonna step outside, and then we'll get underway - how's that sound?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, whatta you say?
J.D.'s Narration: I just had to go for it.
J.D.: Actually, if you could just give me a second, I want to ask Mrs. Warner something.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: To marry me.
Dr. Cox: Come on - heel, toe - whatta you say, kid?
J.D.: Mrs. Warner, I was wondering if you'd give me permission to present your case to possibly be published in a national medical journal, so that I might be chosen to go to an AMA conference.
Mrs. Warner: Sure. Why not.
J.D.: Thanks.
J.D.: Excuse me.

SceneEdit


Cafeteria
Turk: Excuse me, Dr. Kelso? Could I have a minute of your time?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, for God's sake, son, I have two more days of peace before my wife returns from fat camp.
Turk: Look: I need an argon laser and I was gonna ask you yesterday but then all of a s--- Hold up. How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp?
Dr. Kelso: The real question is, how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
Turk: Sir, you lied to us.
Dr. Kelso: Hi! I'm Bob Kelso, nice to meet you.
Dr. Kelso: Look, sport: If people think I'm only giving once a year, they'll only be asking me for things once a year. Capiche? Now get out of my eyeline - Nurse Tisdale's wearing ankle-socks today.
Turk: How 'bout I don't. And how about you help me out, and I won't tell anybody about this. Unless you like it when people come and ask you for stuff, like, every single day.
Dr. Kelso: Fat camp. Six years she's been going there, and the only thing getting any thinner is my wallet!

SceneEdit


Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
Elliot: Is J.D. here?
Carla: No, it's just me.
Elliot: Oh.... Um.... I guess I'll just...wait, too.

Carla: Crap.
Elliot: Fine, I'll wait outside.
Carla: No! I'm just talkin' to my hair. I mean, if it's even the least bit humid, all of a sudden I'm Dr. J.
Elliot: Is he in Radiology?
Carla: Yeah! Uh-huh.
Elliot: Carla, you know I would kill for your hair.
Carla: Really?
Elliot: Yeah.
Carla: Well, I would kill for your legs.
Elliot: I would kill for your lips!
Carla: I'd kill for that wagon you're draggin'.
Carla: That's your butt.
Elliot: Oh! Thank you! "Wagon"?
Carla: Draggin'.

SceneEdit


Hall
J.D.: I won! Thank you, Mrs. Warner! In your face! In your face! In your---
J.D.: ...face.
Dr. Cox: Congratulations. You get to represent the Kelso Kennel Club at the big show in Reno. Just remember, when you are posing and prancing in front of the judges, to keep that shaved behind of yours held up nice and high like the proud little puppy that you are. Then when it comes time to hand out those blue ribbons, it'll be such an exciting time for you - it really will be - but for the love of God, Newbie, you gotta try, try, try not to squeeze out a dookie on the astroturf. Because, uh, I mean, God forbid you were ever an embarrassment to Master Bob, right?
J.D.: You know, I don't care what you think.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you do.
J.D.: I know.
J.D.: Look, I wanna be like you...but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while.
J.D.: Tell you what: Ten years form now, when I'm your boss, I'll go ahead and throw in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask....
J.D.: ....sir.
J.D.'s Narration: I like to think that your life comes down to the choices you've made along the way.
J.D.'s Narration: Like standing up to a superior.
Turk and Dr. Kelso present the new laser to Dr. Wen.
J.D.'s Narration: Or the choice to focus on what you have in common, instead of what you don't.
Carla and Elliot are chatting away – enjoying their new hairstyles: Carla's straight and sleek, Elliot's done in fat curls.
J.D.'s Narration: Or the choice to let someone help you, for once.
Dr. Cox enters Mrs. Warner's room and hands her the phone.
J.D.'s Narration: In the end, you just have to trust your decisions.
In the hall, J.D. passes Todd wheeling Mrs. Kellerman to her husband.
Todd: You're the husband? We've gotta get you some bigger hands.
J.D.'s Narration: And hopefully, you'll land on solid ground---
J.D. slips and falls. The Janitor stands over him.
J.D.: Well what about your new mop?!
Janitor: I like the old one.
J.D.: But you cried!
Janitor: No, that was you.
He runs the mop across J.D.'s face.
J.D.: Glup.
J.D.: That's a good one.

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