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4x6 Kabuki

The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Cake".


HALL/NURSE'S STATION J.D. walks along.

J.D.'s Narration: Working at Sacred Heart, you grow accustomed to a lot of things. Sickness, death -- Ted's morning self-affirmation ritual.

J.D. passes Ted, who is talking to himself in a mirror.

Ted: People are laughing with you! People are laughing with you. People are laughing... [trailing off]... with... you.

J.D. approaches Molly, Carla, and Turk at the nurse's station.

J.D.'s Narration: One thing Turk couldn't get accustomed to was his wife being friends with a psychiatrist.

Carla: Babe, what do you want for lunch today?

Turk: [quiet, nodding towards Molly] Baby, please, not in front of her.

Molly: Turk, why are you not comfortable around me?

Turk: You have the ability to get in people's heads. And I don't want you to take this negatively or anything like that, but that makes you a Devil Woman.

Molly: Please, I mean, who could imagine what it's like in your head?

J.D.'s Thoughts: I'll take this one.


The Sanford & Son theme plays in Turk's head, which is decorated with "male symbols," lava lamps; and looks somewhat like the inside of a genie's bottle. Molly walks in wearing a negligee. Carla turns around, wearing similar attire.

Carla: Hey, welcome to Turk's head. You look really hot.

Molly: Wait a second, you're not a lesbian.

Carla: [long suffering] I am in here.

Molly: Yeah, me too.

They lean in to kiss, but before it happens, we go...



J.D.: Dammit! Molly, you're a shrink: why is it my daydreams always end right before the sexy part.

Molly: I don't know, maybe we should work on that... together.

Molly leans in to kiss J.D., wind blowing her hair... but before it happens, we again go...


J.D.: Dammit!

Turk: Dude! Relax... and enjoy hot chocolate love.

Turk grabs J.D.'s face, and leans in to kiss him. J.D. looks panicked.

J.D.'s Thoughts: Snap out of it! Abort! ABORT!


J.D.: Stop it! I don't have gay jungle fever!!!

Turk: Okay, we should go.

Carla: Yeah.

Turk and Carla quickly exit.


ADMISSIONS Dr. Cox enters.

J.D.: Hey, uh, Mr. Garcia's family is here.

Dr. Cox: Fantastic.

Dr. Cox somberly approaches the family.

J.D.'s Narration: Telling a family their loved one has died is never easy. That's why doctors have a variety of techniques for breaking the news. There's the hand on shoulder...

Dr. Cox places his hand on Mrs. Garcia's shoulder.

Cut to... HALL

J.D.'s Narration: ... there's hand on hand...

A somber Turk clasps his hands around a man's hand.

Cut to...

PATIENT'S ROOM J.D. enters in full Kabuki get-up, dramatically stomping and shouting.

J.D.'s Narration: And, of course, the always popular Resident Kabuki Theater.

He mimes a blade slicing his throat. The gathered family applauds.

J.D.: I'm sorry for your loss. BACK TO REALITY ***


J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D. sits watching TV. A knock is heard at the door, and he gets up.

J.D.'s Narration: As for my family, we had our own way of breaking the news.

J.D. opens it, revealing Dan holding a cake.

Dan: Hey, little brother!

J.D.'s Narration: We did it with cake.

J.D.: [eyeing the cake suspiciously] What happened?

Dan: What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel eight hundred miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "Hey, how're things?"

J.D.: Dan.

Dan: [after a pause] Dad died.

J.D. looks shocked. Dan enters the apartment.

J.D.: There's ice cream in the fridge.

Still shocked, J.D. closes the door.



Turk sits at the computer. J.D. and Dan enter.

Turk: You guys are back. Sorry I had to blow out of there after the funeral, but how was the rest of the week?

J.D.: It was all right; we spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.

Turk: So?

Dan: So, it looked like a giant marble penis -- which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

Turk: How you doing, buddy?

J.D.: I don't know... it hasn't really hit me yet.

Dan: Oh, it will eventually. But don't worry -- when it does, Big Bro' will be there.

J.D. and Turk give a scoffing laugh.

Dan: What? What is it?

J.D.: Dan, I love you, but being there for people isn't really yo' thang.

Dan: No, that was Old Dan. Look at me: this is New Dan! I'm totally here for you.

Cut to... BATHROOM -- J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Dan sits morosely in the bath, drinking a can of beer, an empty floating next to him. J.D. enters.

J.D.: Dan, you've been in here for, like, nine hours: you okay?

Dan: Well, I'd feel a lot better if you could give that ol' "H"-knob there a little twist. [conspiratorially] Body temp's a bit low.

J.D. complies. Dan lets out a sigh.

Dan: Ahh. Now I can feel my tootsies.


CARPARK Dr. Kelso drives up in a convertible.

Dr. Kelso: So, what do you think of the new convertible, Ted?

Ted sits alongside him, hair sticking out straight to the sides ala Bozo the Clown.

Ted: [happy] Why don't I have one of these?

The Janitor approaches the car, gesturing to the crane behind him.

Janitor: Well, howdy, Dr. Kelso. Ain't she a beaut'? I rented her so I could repair the air conditioning unit.

Dr. Kelso: Looks expensive, who authorised it?

Janitor: Why, you did, sir. Must have been Tuesday last.

Dr. Kelso: Stop talking like a farmer! I did no such thing. [he gets out of the car] Now I'm not sure how one would go about making a janitor's life even more miserable, but what say we start by docking your pay for the cost of this monstrosity.

Kelso storms off. Ted frantically tries to flatten his hair.

Ted: Oh, God! It won't smooth down.

He pushes it in to no avail.


DOCTOR'S LOUNGE Molly and Carla stand over a sleeping Turk.

Turk: [murmuring in his sleep] It's nice to meet you too, Chuck.

Carla: Ohh, he's having one of his 'Love Connection' dreams.

Molly: You sure?

Carla: Mmmhmm.

Turk: [murmuring in his sleep] I'd love to go out with her again if you'll pay for it.

Carla: [shaking him awake] Buppy.

Turk: [awaking with a start] Uh? What?

Carla: We've been looking all over for you.

Turk: why? What did I miss?

Molly and Carla give an excited squeal.

FLASHBACK: ADMISSIONS Chuck Woolery shakes Carla's hand.

Chuck: Bye Carla. I'm sorry I didn't get to meet your husband.

Carla: Oh, I know.

Molly: So, Mr. Woolery: what have you been doing since 'The Love Connection' was cancelled?

Chuck: 'Love Connection' was never cancelled, it's just not on TV anymore. I still do the occasional episode in my basement with singles from the neighbourhood. [off Carla and Molly's looks] I'm not crazy.

Carla: [of course not] Noo! Heh.


Turk: Aww, stupid nap! I been a little sleepy these last couple of weeks, I've dropped a few pounds. I don't know, I think I've got the 'flu, baby.

Carla: No!

Turk: Yeah.

Carla: You're not allowed to get sick, you're my "Superman." I mean, if you're in bed, who's going to give me my back rubs, or unscrew the peanut butter jar, or... walk around all day in my new high heels just to stretch them out.

Turk: [quickly, to Molly] She's kidding! I've never done that. [quietly, to Carla] Not in front of the Devil Woman.

Carla exits.

Molly: I got a new pair of pumps.

Turk: No.


BATHROOM -- J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D. attends to his hair in the mirror.

J.D.'s Narration: Whenever someone close to you dies, it's important to keep your head above water.

He hears water bubbling behind him, then turns.

J.D.: Dan!

Dan quickly bursts out from beneath the bath water.

Dan: I'm up!

He spits out some water and coughs.

J.D.: You know, it wasn't exactly easy showering with you in there.

Dan: Well, it wasn't exactly easy for me, either. You have Dad's butt.

J.D.: You think you'll get out of the tub today?

Dan: Yeah, today doesn't look good -- by the way, could you get me another beer?

J.D.: No, look, I put a six-pack for you in the toilet.

He lifts the lid, revealing the bowl full of ice and cans.

Dan: Ooh.

J.D.: I gotta go to work!

Dan: [as J.D. exits] Okay, little brother, call me if you need... anything. I mean, anything from this particular area. Ooh. [he picks up the plunger] Hello, my little friend. [he extends the plunger, presses it against a can in the can, and draws it back into the bath] Ah! Success.


HALL Ted, with his hair still sticking out, addresses a patient in a wheelchair.

Ted: [forcefully] Look, Mr. Cannon, let's drop the forgetful act. Now, if you don't sign these papers, this hospital will discharge you, and then we'll see what you do and do not remember!

Kelso passes.

Dr. Kelso: The man has Alzheimer's, bozo.

Ted: [re: his hair] It still won't smooth down!

Ted follows.

ELEVATOR -- CONTINUOUS Kelso and Ted enter the elevator, where the Janitor is cleaning.

Dr. Kelso: He's not a day over fifty-five and he has Alzheimer's. Really makes you think, doesn't it?

Janitor: You're over fifty-five, aren't you, sir?

Dr. Kelso: What's your point?

Janitor: [nonchalant] Nothing.

RAMP J.D. arrives at the hospital in his street clothes.

J.D.'s Narration: Even though I deal with death every time I walk into this place, I never dealt with it from this side before. It's full of surprises, whether it's a small gesture from a co-worker...

The Janitor is sweeping the doorway. He steps aside to let J.D. through, and gives him a respectful nod.


J.D.'s Narration: ... or a big gesture from someone you've never even met before.

Chuck Woolery is hugging J.D. vigourously.

Chuck: Walk tall, kiddo.

J.D. rests his head on Chuck's shoulder.

J.D.'s Narration: ... although sometimes, it's a little awkward, even with an old friend.

Cut to... ICU J.D. approaches Elliot.

Elliot: Hey.

J.D.: Hey.

Elliot: I just wanted to...

J.D.: Yeah.

Elliot: Look...

J.D.: Thanks.

Elliot: 'Kay.

J.D.: 'Kay.

J.D. moves on. Dr. Cox approaches Elliot.

Dr. Cox: Say, Barbie, for a second there, I thought you were being a little bit cold, but then you really saved it with the "[sigh]... 'Kay."

Elliot: What are you going to do, hide from him all day and then call him "Ginger"?

Dr. Cox: No. It's Monday, which of course means it's Ethnic Day, so I'll be going with Rosalita, and besides, I have a plan.

Elliot: Which is?

Dr. Cox: Yeah, unfortunately, the first part of the plan is not to share it with people who annoy me. Want to hear the second part?

Elliot: Sure.

Dr. Cox: I can't. My hands are tied by the first part.

Elliot leaves.


NURSE'S STATION Turk approaches Carla and Molly at the station, and flops down on the counter.

Carla: Baby, look at you, please, go see our doctor.

Turk: I hate Dr. Kim. He always makes me take my pants off, even that time I went in for Pink eye. [he squirms a little] I gotta pee.

Carla: Dont' you think it's weird you've already gone seven times today?

Turk: I think it's weird you're counting.

He exits on his mission.

Carla: It's impossible to get a doctor to go see a doctor!

Molly: I'm on it!

She exits on her mission. Cut to... BATHROOM

An afro has been scrawled on the mirror with a marker. Turk rises so his reflection "fits" in it.

Turk: [affecting a "Shaft" voice] Excuse me: did somebody say they're looking for the baddest detective in town?

Molly appears behind him.

Molly: Awesome afro.

Turk spins around.

Molly: I'm sorry to barge in on you, but I'm a little rusty on the medicine side, and I was wondering if you could help me. See, I have this patient -- constantly tired, always peeing, losing weight.

Turk: You should have him checked out, he might have diabetes.

Molly nods.

Turk: [realizing] Oh.

Cut to... EXAM ROOM

Turk stands in his underwear, Dr. Kim alongside him.

Dr. Kim: The good news is that it's Type II diabetes. It's still serious, but it's totally manageable.

Turk: [sotto voce] Devil Woman gave me diabetes.


NURSE'S STATION J.D. and Carla stand at the station.

Carla: How're you holding up, Bambi?

J.D.: I'm okay. Do you have my charts?

Carla: Oh, didn't anyone tell you? They switched your shift. You're off today.

J.D.: [slightly surprised] Okay.

He exits. Cox enters from the other direction.

Carla: He bought it.

Dr. Cox: Great. Great, great, great, great. I took all his patients, and I threatened every single one of his residents under the penalty of death not to page him. One last thing to do.


Dr. Cox finishes duct taping Dan's head (still in the bath) to the wall.

Dan: What is this?

Dr. Cox: That's your basic homemade anti-drowning device, to be worn until your brother returns.

Dan: [pause] I like it.

Dr. Cox: Oh boy.

Dan offers him his beer. Cox waves it off.

Dr. Cox: Trying to cut back.


CARPARK Dr. Kelso, fiddling with a walkman, looks at an empty parking spot.

Dr. Kelso: [muttering] Where the hell is my car? I parked it right there, I know I parked it... for God's sake, am I losing my mind?

As he walks down the carpark, his car (with the Janitor standing inside) gets lowered back into the spot by crane.

Janitor: [as Kelso returns] Tommy, take me up, he's coming back!

Kelso returns to find his car back in the spot, the Janitor nowhere in sigh. Puzzled, he gives it a pat. As he sighs, we see Janitor swinging from the crane a few feet above.


BATHROOM -- J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D. sits by the tub, which still contains Dan and a squad of beer cans.

Dan: Hey, you want a beer?

J.D.: Abso-tively.

Dan pulls one out of the water and sips it.

Dan: [spitting it out with a grimace] Bathwater.

He produces another and samples it.

Dan: Backwash.

He pulls out a third can, sips, and has a more positive reaction.

Dan: [handing it to J.D.] Here you go.

J.D.: Oh, thaaank you.

He takes it and promptly drops it in the toilet.

J.D.: Hey, Dan, if Dad were here right now, what would you say to him?

Dan lets out a loud burp.

J.D.: I think he'd be glad to hear that.

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe it was because I finally slowed down, maybe it was remembering Dad's passion for bodily functions, I don't know. But at that moment, it all hit me. Unfortunately, I'm not sure Dan's the guy to talk about it with.

Dan is feeding a yellow rubber duckie a can of beer.

Dan: [to duck] Slow down, little duck. Some ducks can't hold their water. [he laughs a bit, then sobs] It's okay. I know.

J.D.'s Narration: There's a lot in life that can let you down.


Kelso sits in his convertible, then drives off.

J.D.'s Narration: It can be your mind...

After he's driven away, the Janitor drops down from the crane and lands with a smile.

Cut to... HALL

Dr. Kim and Turk exit the exam room.

J.D.'s Narration: ... or your body...

Dr. Kim: Call me if you have any questions.

Turk nods. Another patient approaches.

Patient: [to Dr. Kim] I'm here for my ear infection.

Dr. Kim: Go in and take your pants off.

Turk gives them an "I knew it" look. Carla walks up from behind.

Carla: So, what'd he say?

Turk: Oh... it's the flu', like I said.

Carla looks puzzled as Turk walks away.


Cox stands at the station, a flurry of activity as he attends to paperwork, the phone, and his pager.

J.D.'s Narration: Luckily for me, I had someone to lean on.

J.D. approaches in his regular clothes.

J.D.: Hey, Dr. Cox, can I talk to you for a second?

Dr. Cox: [preoccupied with the phone] Uh, no.

J.D.: Really? Not even just like two seconds to talk to me.

Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie. [his pager beeps, he addresses it] Oh, for God's sake. I'm a little swamped, here. [a passing nurse hands him a folder] Thank you.

J.D.: You know what sucks? I thought you were actually going to come through for me this time.

Dr. Cox: [to his beeping pager] In a minute! [to J.D.] Hey, Newbie? Just in case you didn't actually notice, I have been covering all your patients, answering all your pages, and doing pretty much everything shy of picking up your sundress from the drycleaners.

J.D.: [annoyed] Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, did I?

He storms off.

Dr. Cox: Outstanding! You're walking away like a pissy little ingrate. I mean, bravo! [starts applauding] Bravo, ah!

He whistles as Ted walks up and joins him in applauding. Cox stops clapping.

Ted: What are we clapping for?

Dr. Cox: His dad just died.

Ted's applause trails off.

Dr. Cox: Dammit.


ADMISSIONS J.D. walks past Elliot and Cox at the desk. As he passes, he directs a dismissive sound at Cox. Cox returns an exaggerated one.

Elliot: Why are you still antagonising him!?

Dr. Cox: I don't know. I can't stop.

Elliot: I am warning you, you better come through for him.

Dr. Cox: What do you want me to do, anyway?

Elliot: Be more sensitive. Try giving him a hug.

Dr. Cox: Barbie... you've met be before, yes? Now, at most, I can muster one hug a year, and nine months ago I hugged my son, so: you're gonna have to do it.

Elliot: Um, you saw us before, we're still awkward from the break-up.

Dr. Cox: H--Hold the phone: are you suggesting that if I sleep with him, that I won't have to deal with problems like this? Because I'm seriously considering taking that hit. [as Elliot walks off] I mean, honestly, what is he like in post-game? Is there spooning? Because I don't spoon, I'm not a spooner.


DR. KELSO'S OFFICE Dr. Kelso and Ted (with his hair back to normal) enter.

Ted: Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.

Dr. Kelso: [sitting down at his desk] No one male or female ever cared, Ted. Where the hell are my reading glasses? [he spots them after a moment] I tell you, the last few days I've been getting to feel the ol' noodle is really letting me down.

Behind Ted, a harnessed Janitor (attached to the crane) swings onto the open window ledge. Ted spins around in surprise. He lets out a surprised gasp, and his hair springs back out at the sides. The Janitor grabs him, and they swing back out the window together. Kelso, examining some papers, sees none of this.

Dr. Kelso: Well, I'm sure I'm just making mountains out of molehills, don't you think, Ted? [He looks up and does a double take as Ted seems to have disappeared] Ted!?


DOCTOR'S LOUNGE J.D. sits in a chair. Cox enters.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Wonder Bra? Do you, uh -- do you have a second?

J.D.: For what?

Dr. Cox: I'm giving you a hug.

The Janitor and a screaming Ted swing past the window on the crane. Cox and J.D. look out at the spectacle.

Dr. Cox: Oh. I was wondering what that crane was for. So now, how would you like this whole hug thing to go down? Do you wish to remain seated, would you like to stand? I, of course, don't care, as long as it's under three seconds and I don't feel your breath on my neck.

J.D.: So now you're making fun of me because I need a little help getting through this?

Dr. Cox: No, I'm -- I'm really trying.

J.D.: [standing up] You know what, I am sick of getting dumped on, and I am sick of you!

He gives Cox a small shove. Cox stands there for a moment, then lets out a small, tense laugh.

Dr. Cox: Newbie, don't shove me.

J.D.: Oh, really, why not? [he shoves Cox again]

Dr. Cox: Because whenever anyone shoves me more than twice, my mind goes blank and all I see is this white-hot flash of fury.

J.D.: When someone shoves you like this?

He shoves Cox again. Mistake.

Cut to... NURSE'S STATION -- MOMENTS LATER Cox walks past Elliot at the station.

Elliot: [cheery] So, how'd it go?

Dr. Cox: Punched him in the face.

Elliot looks slightly stunned as Cox continues on.


APARTMENT J.D. sits on the couch with Turk, a bloody tissue stuffed up his nose.

Turk: Do you want me to kick his ass?

J.D.: [removing the tissue] No need. I already got him back, and then some.


Cox approaches his car, then pulls off his glasses to look at the message "WASH ME!" scrawled in the dust on the car's rear windscreen.


Turk: On the window, huh?

J.D.: Uh, yeah!

Carla places an elaborate looking cake on the table in front of them.

Carla: Here we go.

J.D. looks at it with a touch of horror on his face.

J.D.: Oh, God, who died?

Carla: No, it's for Turk! [she kisses him] Get you some milk?

Turk: Yeah!

She returns to the kitchen. Turk looks a little morose.

J.D.: What's the occasion?

Turk: I... have type II diabetes.

J.D.: Really?

Turk: Yeah.

J.D.: That sucks. Carla is aware that if you eat that your foot will fall off, right?

Turk: Well, I haven't told her yet. But I'm pretty sure she knows, 'cause right now she's trying to get me to 'fess up by tempting her Chocolatey Goodness with chocolatey goodness.

Carla: [from the kitchen] Babe? Do you want some hot fudge sugar sauce?

Turk: Oh, hell yeah! [stricken, he shakes his head to J.D.]

J.D.: Why haven't you told her?

Turk: I'm not sure. Can I tell you something weird, though?

J.D.: You can tell me anything.

Turk: I feel like your dad dying has stolen my diabetes thunder.

J.D.: Oh my God, just this second I was thinking your diabetes is gonna get in the way of my dad dying. [they both laugh] Isn't that funny?

Turk: Cool!

Dan: [yelling from the bathroom] I smell cake!

Cut to... BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS Dan is still in the bath, surrounded by empty beer cans.

Dan: [continued] If Uncle Bernie died, someone's gonna have to go on a beer run!

He tosses an empty can away, and picks up another upside down, spilling the contents.


CARPARK Kelso sits in his convertible. The Janitor lowers down from the crane, still holding Ted. He drops him into the passenger seat. Kelso turns and sees him.

Dr. Kelso: [surprised] Ahh!

Ted: [stilted] Thanks again for inviting me to your house for dinner.

Dr. Kelso: I did?

Ted glances up. The Janitor points at him and mouths "Yes."

Ted: [stilted] Yes, sir, you did.

Kelso looks away, confused and concerned. Ted looks at his sticking-out hair in the mirror.

Ted: [trying to push it down] Aww!


BATHROOM -- J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT Dr. Cox enters. Dan is still in the bath, now with a beard made of soap bubbles.

Dr. Cox: Hey! Where's your brother?

Dan: J.D.!!! [waits for a response for a few moments, gets none] He's not here.

Dr. Cox: Look, Dan --

Dan: [pointing at his "beard"] Captain Bubblebeard. Avast, matey! Shut yer scupper and bare yer steel, we should be seeing la-AAH --

Dr. Cox pushes his head under the water. He rises again, the "beard" gone.

Dr. Cox: There. Now you're Dan again.

Dan spits out some water.

Dr. Cox: Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He has me, an emotionally-crippled narcissist; and, he's got you, an emotionally-crippled narcissist who's soaking in a tub which by now has to be mostly your own urine.

Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.

Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together -- together, Dan -- we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.

Dan: You're right, Coxy. [he throws down his beer can, and quickly stands up in the tub] Dammit, Coxsmith! Crybaby time is over! The kid needs us, and he needs us now, right?

Dr. Cox: [holding out a towel] Towel.

Dan: [taking it] Thank you. Let's rock and roll!

He takes a step out of the bath, then falls flat on his face.

Dan: [from the floor] I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs.

Dr. Cox: Fantastic.


ADMISSIONS Molly sits at the desk, working on some paperwork. Turk approaches and sits beside her.

Turk: I want to apologize to you for that whole "Devil Woman" thing. I promise you, I will never call you that again.

Molly: It's okay. I mean, I can understand why you're uncomfortable around me. I sometimes do see everyone as a patient.

Turk: You know, surgeons do that, too.

They turn to look at the door.

Turk: C'mon, let's see who's better at it. [a woman with a limp and a cane enters] Hip replacement.

A man enters with a beer can ("Foam Dome") helmet.

Molly: Alcoholic. That was easy.

Turk: Yeah.

A heavy man enters.

Turk: Quadruple bypass. Two on me!

Molly: Constantly trying to validate herself so she'll sleep with anyone.

Turk looks at the patient, a young woman clad in somewhat skimpy dress.

Charice: Hey, Turk.

Turk: What's up, Charice. [as Molly looks at him] Uh, but that, that was before Carla. So, what about me? [Molly hesitates] Come on, you know you want to.

Molly: Well, Carla calls you her "Superman," and you love that... but diabetes makes you feel vulnerable, and you're afraid if you're open with her about it, you won't be her Superman anymore.

Turk nods, accepting this analysis.

Turk: Yeah. Devil Woman. [catches himself] Sorry.


J.D., TURK & CARLA'S APARTMENT J.D. lies on the couch. Dr. Cox, wearing a Red Wings hockey shirt enters with a sharp whistle. J.D. shoots up.

J.D.: Oh my God! I'm sorry about the "Wash Me!" thing!

Dr. Cox: [tossing him a shirt] Put that on.

Dan enters with beer, also wearing a shirt.

J.D.: Dan? You were out with him? I thought you'd dissolved.

Dan: We decided this was the only way to do this without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. [he sits down, and hands the other two beers] Drink.

Dr. Cox turns on the TV. A college football game is playing.

Dr. Cox: Now talk.

J.D.: What do you want me to talk about? The pros and cons of blitzing a weak-side quarter when you're in third-and-long situations?

J.D.'s Thoughts: Thank you "Football for Dummies."

Dan: I gotta tell you little brother, you were always the apple of Dad's eye... you know, that's the worst thing about college football, the male cheerleaders -- ooh, God, that's a chick.

The three cock their heads to the side simultaneously, examining the screen.

Dr. Cox: You know, when my father died, all I could focus on was how he was never there, but you -- you're lucky, you've got some positive stuff you can dwell on -- [to the TV] throw the ball, Jackass!

Dan: He is a jackass.

The two clink their bottles together.

Dr. Cox: I mean, I met your father, I remember it like it was yesterday. After about two seconds I could tell how proud he was of you.

J.D.'s Narration: And then I heard something I thought I'd never hear.

Cox puts his arm behind J.D.'s shoulders. begins playing

Dr. Cox: Truth be told, there, Newbie: I'm proud of you.

Dan: Me too.

J.D. accepts this thoughtfully.

J.D.'s Narration: It's amazing how a few simple words can change everything.

Cut to... CARPARK Dr. Kelso and the Janitor sit on a bench.

J.D.'s Narration: Whether it's an apology...

Dr. Kelso: I'm sorry I came down so hard on you. I've been a bit forgetful lately, and I suppose it's possible that I could have told you you could rent that crane.

He pats him on the knee and gets up.

Janitor: Sir? [Kelso turns] Apology accepted.

Dr. Kelso smiles and nods. Suddenly, the bench is pulled into the air by the crane, Janitor still sitting on it.

Janitor: Whoa, hey! Tommy! What are you doing?

Dr. Kelso: [looking up, smiling] Ah, Tommy's been let go. Have a nice weekend. [he waves and walks off]

Janitor: [conceding, impressed] You too, sir.

Cut to... NURSE'S STATION Turk walks up to Carla.

J.D.'s Narration: ... or an admission.

Turk: Baby, I got diabetes.

Carla: [feigning surprise and concern] Oh no, Turk, really?

Turk: Carla.

She pulls a box out from under the desk and sets it on top.

Carla: I call this "Turk's Diabetes Box." [she opens it] Here is a recipe for sugar-free brownies: Mmm-mmm. Okay, here's a buncha articles I downloaded off the int --

Turk kisses her, cutting her off.

Turk: Thank you.

Carla: You're welcome.

J.D.'s Narration: Of course, sometimes it's not about the words...


J.D., Dan and Dr. Cox sit around, talking, drinking and laughing amid a few empty beer bottles.

J.D.'s Narration: ... it's just about having someone there to listen.

J.D.: And it's our dad, aand he's ranting and raving because he's an office supply salesman and he can't find a paper clip in the entire house.

Dan: Meanwhile, he gets to work the next morning, and he realises he's got a million of 'em in the trunk of his car.

J.D.: The trunk was filled with boxes of 'em!

Dr. Cox holds his bottle out for a toast.

Dr. Cox: Here's to your dad.

They clink their bottles together.

As we fade out, a final title card appears onscreen:

"For Our Friend John Ritter"


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