Open: Hospital -- Admissions
J.D. is walking with Carla, who is wheeling a patient -- Mr. Hogan -- through to the front door.
J.D.: Mr. Hogan, I can't stress enough how much you gotta avoid the red meat. Cirrhosis of your liver is preventing it from filtering out all the toxins, and if those get to your brain you'd become encephalopathic leading to a mental status change.
Mr. Hogan: So, what, I'm gonna start acting all crazy or something?
J.D.: Well, you'll need a tin-foil hat to hold in all your thoughts.
Mr. Hogan: But I can still have a tiny, little bite of my wife's carne asada, right?
J.D.'s Narration: The greatest thing about Carla is I always know I can count on her to be the bad cop.
***Fantasy Sequence: Carla punches Mr. Hogan in the face.
Carla: What part of "no meat" don't you understand?
Mr. Hogan: Well, I just thought that---
She socks him again.
She socks J.D., and he squeals.
Carla: So if you don't listen to Dr. Dorian, you're gonna have to answer to me.
Mr. Hogan: Okay! Ix-nay on the eat-may.
Carla: That's right.
They send Mr. Hogan on his way.
J.D.'s Narration: We're a team.
J.D.: "Eat-may" sounds like "eat me."
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, on some teams, there's gonna be friction.
Turk, Dr. Wen, and Bonnie are working on a patient.
Dr. Wen: All right...we're done here. Bonnie, you close.
He goes off to the other side of the room.
Turk: [under breath] Damn!
Bonnie: Aw, don't be mad. Just be the good little beeyotch you are and wipe the sweat off my forehead.
Turk: Look, don't say "beeyotch", you can't pull it off -- which is interesting, being that you're the queen mother of all---
Bonnie: Dr. Wen? My forehead's feeling a little misty.
Dr. Wen: Dr. Turk, are your hands broken?
He reluctantly dabs Bonnie's forehead.
Turk: Here you go.
Bonnie: Mmm. That's nice...beeyotch.
J.D.'s Narration: And some teams, well, they never really seem to get together.
I.C.U. -- Nurses Station
J.D. and Dr. Cox are there. Elliot rushes up to them.
Elliot: Dr. Cox! I'm so glad I caught you! I need---
Dr. Cox: And there it is again -- that ringing in my ears. It's kind of an "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" but it's more piercing, more of an "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"---
J.D.: She's trying to ask you a question.
Dr. Cox: Now you, you're more of a low-pitched "Ooga-ooga-ooga." It's more masculine, which, quite frankly, is surprising considering the source, but make no mistake -- oh, just equally annoying! Luckily, though, I know how to make the pain go away!
He walks away from them.
Dr. Cox: [from down the hall] Ahhhh. Much better.
Elliot: Can you believe that!? I mean, every time we even try to talk to him, he starts going off on one of these random tangents and....
She continues to spew, but is drowned out by....
J.D.'s Thoughts: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Elliot: --You know?
J.D.: Clearly we're on the same page.
Elliot: We're residents now, we should be treated more like colleagues, and I can't even get him to notice me.
She takes off, and bashes right into a passing food cart.
Elliot: Oh, God! Oh! Uh! Sorry, sorry, sorry!
She tries to recover, but things just get worse, and she slips, falling flat on her back; food and bowls all around her.
Dr. Cox passes through, whistling. He doesn't even notice.
J.D.: Maybe if you wore your hair up?
J.D. and the Janitor are there.
Janitor: What's up?
J.D.'s Thoughts: Be careful here.... Don't give him anything.
J.D.: [monotone] Nothing. What. Is. Up. With. You...Man?
Janitor: I always get this way in the fall, you know -- summer's gone, the days are shorter; it just makes me feel so...what's the word....
Janitor: Yes, that's it. I'm a janitor, so I couldn't think of the word "sad." I was gonna say, It makes me feel so "mop."
J.D.: Let me explain, I---
Janitor: Go ahead, I'm "mopping."
J.D.: Maybe I shouldn't bother.
Janitor: Maybe you "mopn't."
J.D. turns from him.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess after a while, you just stop being surprised by people.
Mr. Hogan walks in.
Mr. Hogan: Yeah...I-I-I'm going to be needing a room.
Carla is with Mr. Hogan as he's being wheeled to a room.
Mr. Hogan: Well, who can say no to 49-cent cheeseburgers?
Carla: Sure, but tack on the cost of medicine, your room, and pumping your stomach, and that 49-cent cheeseburger is gonna run you in the neighborhood of thirteen hundred dollars.
Mr. Hogan: Heh. See, that's how they get you.
Carla: That's right.
She stops at the Nurses' Station.
Nurse Roberts: Carla, your brother called.
Carla: Oh, cool.
J.D.: I didn't know you had a brother.
Carla: That's my pet-name for Turk -- you know, 'cause he's mine and he's a black man: "My bruthah."
J.D.: That is adorable. Do you think he'd mind if I call him that, too?
Carla: J.D., I was kidding.
J.D.: I know. I'm still gonna ask. So, how come I don't know anything about your family?
Carla: I don't know. I g--I'm just not big on sharing my personal life with people.
J.D.: But you know everything about me. You even know I have them switch Lauren's shifts so we always end up working together.
They look over at the attractive nurse a few feet away.
They lower their voices.
Carla: I didn't know that.
J.D.: Well, you do now, because I'm _sharing_ with you.
Carla: Okay, I'm _leaving_ now.
She does. J.D. goes over to Lauren, who's looking at the schedule board.
Lauren: Another Friday night? That's three in a row!
J.D.: I know, it's so unfair.
He surreptitiously smells her. She looks at him.
J.D.: I'm mad about it.
The gang are at a table, eating together.
Turk: Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try! She's like a ninja but worse!
J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja -- they're masters of every style of combat.
Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
Elliot: [to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here...you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
J.D.: Not entirely unlike a...ninja!
Turk: Whatever. I'm out.
He gets up and makes his way to the exit.
J.D.: Catch you later, my bruthah!
Turk: [mildly surprised] I'll holla.
J.D. turns back to the table with a smile.
J.D.: He said "Holla."
Nurse Roberts gives a chart to Dr. Cox.
Nurse Roberts: Mr. Tillman's results are back. It's bad.
Dr. Cox: Dammit, Laverne. Why can't I ever be the one dying?
Nurse Roberts: I don't know.
Dr. Cox: It...was...rhetorical. If you--if you'd tell Mrs. Tillman that I'll be right out, that would be just...terrific.
Nurse Roberts departs and Elliot approaches Dr. Cox.
Elliot: Dr. Cox! Um, Mr. Tillman is my patient, too, you know.
Dr. Cox: He is?
Elliot: Yeah, I was in the room with you this morning, remember?
Dr. Cox: Uhhh, no.
Elliot: Well, I was. Anyway, um, I--if you want, I could talk to his wife, because I...just really enjoy that kind of stuff.
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute: Are you actually saying you enjoy telling people their spouses are going to die?
Elliot: ....Yep! I mean, I know that--that sounds a little bit weird, but I-I-I-I just really like being there for people; it's...kind of why I became a doctor in the first place.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's nice to know where the magic began!
He laughs and she giggles along with him.
He drops the chart into her hands.
Dr. Cox: There you go.
Dr. Kelso enters the area with a smile.
Dr. Kelso: So! How are my girls today? Fantastic. Listen---
Carla: Dr. Kelso, if you're here to do one of your "How are my girls today, now let me tell you some things you don't want to hear" routines, I should warn you: I'm in a mood. So it's probably in your best interest to make up some lame excuse, turn around, and leave.
Dr. Kelso: Young lady, I will not be spoken to like that! Luckily, for you, I have to go see Mrs. Pfitztuffulla down in Pfofferoptrics.
Carla: Atta boy.
J.D. comes up to her.
J.D.: Rough day, huh? Well, maybe it would help to share...with someone?
Carla: Okay. You want in? You want me to open up?
J.D.: I think I can handle it.
***Fantasy Sequence: Carla's head opens up like the ark in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'
J.D. is frightened and amazed by the onslaught of information.
Carla: I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I think. I don't like the way I feel about how I look. ...I have too much hair, my boobs are too low, my butt is too big, and I'm so short!
Overwhelmed by the power of this information, J.D.'s face melts off.
Carla: --Plus, when I work up this morning, I cried for like half an hour because I thought I was getting wrinkles, but it turns out I just fell asleep on Turk's corduroy pants!
Carla: There. Now you think I'm the craziest woman here.
Elliot comes up to the two of them, sobbing with joy.
Elliot: Dr. Cox let me tell a woman that her husband's dying!
J.D.: [to Carla] No I don't.
The surgeons are gathered around the Assignment Board.
Bonnie: Huh! So I'm doing a Nissen gastric fundoplication; and you're doing...yet another appendectomy. How fun for you!
Turk: Please, you call that smack-talk? You shoulda asked me how it feels to be so far below you, I wouldn't be able to read "Suck it, Turk" if you wrote it on the bottom of your shoe.
Todd laughs and exchanges a congratulatory gesture with Turk.
Bonnie: Okay. How _does_ that feel?
Dr. Kelso arrives.
Dr. Kelso: Doctors! Something I've taken great pride in over the years is Sacred Heart's involvement in the esteemed "Doctors Without Borders" program. Now, every year, I single out the most qualified surgical resident to accompany me to Mexico for a weekend. Anyway, I've made my decision....
Todd: Thank you, sir. You haven't lived until you've tasted El Todd's guac.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, pack your bag.
Turk sticks out his tongue at Bonnie.
Cut to: The O.R.
Turk continues his victory tonguing over the operating table.
Bonnie: Shove it, Turk!
Turk: Oh, I'm gonna shove it. And love it. And dance around above it. Hey! Shove it, and love it, and dance around above it! Come on!
He continues his little song, with claps and saucy dance moves.
Outside the room, Carla and J.D. are watching this through the observation window.
Carla: You see, that's what's really bothering me.
J.D.: What, Turk and Bonnie? They hate each other.
Carla: Then why is he doing his "You're so getting a piece of this" dance?
J.D.: He's not! That's his "In your face" dance.... Or it's his "There's a sale on lotion" dance. I dunno; he's got so many dances.
Carla: Please, they might as well be naked. Slut.
J.D.: Carla! Trust me, there's no way that he's cheating on you.
Carla: Yeah, you're probably right.
She smiles at J.D. and begins to leave.
J.D.: Wait, that's it? You were just freakin' out.
Carla: Hey, you wanted in!
She walks out.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Crazy!
Dr. Cox is at a table. Elliot passes with her tray.
Dr. Cox: Barbie....
Dr. Cox: How did it go with Mrs. Tillman?
Elliot: It. Was. Awesome!
He pushes out the chair opposite him with his foot.
Elliot pushes it back.
He kicks the chair out again, and she reaches.
Dr. Cox: It's not possessed! It's...for sitting.
Elliot: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: For God's sake, you must park it.
She quickly drops her tray on the table and takes a seat in the chair.
She sits, stiff and silent.
Dr. Cox: 'Course, what we generally do now is eat.
She looks at him.
He makes a motion with his fork.
Dr. Cox: Eat.
Elliot: I can't! I'm too nervous!
Turk and Dr. Wen are working on a patient.
Turk continues his gloating.
Dr. Wen: Christopher!
Turk: Sorry, sir. I just can't believe Kelso chose me.
Dr. Wen: Yeah, me neither. I told him to take Bonnie.
Turk: So, then, why did he pick me?
Dr. Wen: Among all the surgery residents, what's the difference between you, Bonnie, Todd, Steve, Eric, and V.J.?
Turk: First of all, she's a---
Dr. Wen: There it is.
Turk: Wait, because she's---?
Dr. Wen: Yep.
Dr. Wen: Exactly.
Turk: Huh? It's because she's a woman.... Damn!
J.D. is in line, collecting his lunch. The Janitor comes up behind him with a bowl and a fork.
Janitor: Fork! Me can't eat soup!
He howls in frustration as he tries to collect the few drops of soup off the fork onto his tongue.
J.D.: Look, I don't think you're stupid, okay? Your job requires a lot of know-how. I mean, come on, it's not like you're ladling out sloppy joes or something.
The two look over the counter at the man with a ladle of sloppy joe meat in his hand.
J.D.: You know, m-my uncle w-w-was a joer. Yeah...
The man, Troy, plops the meat onto J.D.'s tray -- missing the bun...hell, missing the _plate_, obviously intentionally.
Janitor: Troy, let me fill you in on this guy.
J.D.: Oh, thank God.
He rushes toward the table where Turk and Carla are sitting.
J.D.'s Narration: A lot happens in the cafeteria.... Whether you've just accidentally stolen your lunch....
Halfway across the room, J.D. pauses, realizing he forgot to proceed to the front of the line to pay.
J.D.'s Narration: Or you've finally gotten someone to notice you....
He passes the table where Elliot is enthusiastically chatting with Dr. Cox.
J.D.'s Narration: Or you've connected with a friend on a level you didn't know you could.
He goes over to Carla and Turk's table.
J.D.'s Narration: The cafeteria is just a happy place.
At the table, J.D. notices Turk's melancholy expression.
He sits down.
J.D.: What's wrong with him?
Turk: The only reason why I'm going to Mexico is 'cause Bonnie's not a guy.
Carla: I'm sorry, Baby.
Turk: I can't believe you think I got a thing for her.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, no.
Carla: Who told you that?
***Fantasy Sequence: J.D. whirls around Turk, taping his entire face up to quiet him.
Turk makes a hand gesture at Carla.
Carla: J.D. told you that!?
Turk: [muffled] Mm-hmm.
J.D.: Hey, when did you guys learn sign language!?
Turk makes another gesture at J.D.
J.D.: Night classes? Wait, when did _I_ learn sign language?
Turk: J.D. said you're a big ol' can o' crazy.
J.D.: A little can...a very tiny, small can.
Turk: Nah; you said big can.
Carla is with Mr. Hogan as he's being wheeled through.
Carla: Mr. Hogan, I've come up with a little mantra for you.
Mr. Hogan: Hit me.
Carla: If meat is your treat, your esophageal varices will bleed into your intestines, causing you to digest your own blood, leading to a horrible, horrible death!
Mr. Hogan: Catchy!
Carla: Just, uh, say it over and over again.
She stops at the Nurses' Station as he's wheeled on ahead.
Mr. Hogan: Horrible, horrible death. Horrible, horrible death. Horrible, horrible death....
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, you can fix this.
J.D.: Carla, look, I messed up and I'm so sorry.
Carla: Bambi. We're good, okay? We're pals!
J.D.: Ah, thank you!
Lauren comes up to J.D., very angry.
Lauren: So you think it's funny to switch people's shifts, huh?
Carla: Bye, pal!
Lauren: I missed my baby's first steps!
J.D.: I'm so sorry. Does this mean you're married?
She gives him a dirty look and leaves.
Turk catches up with Dr. Kelso.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, can I bother you for a second?
Dr. Kelso: Based on history, I'd say yes.
Turk: I know for a fact that Dr. Wen recommended Bonnie.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk, I chose you over that nice young lady because we're going to be moving around a lot, and I can't be pulling over every two minutes for pee-pee stops and those nylons that come in plastic eggs!
Turk: Dr. Kelso, don't you think that's a little sexist?
Dr. Kelso: I don't know, sport? Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the pretty nurses and unload a few uggos? The rules have changed so much, I just can't keep up. Tell you what: Let's stop jiggling each other's marbles -- _you_ decide who should go; that way, when you choose yourself, I won't have to deal with all this horrible guilt.
Elliot comes up to Dr. Cox's table.
Elliot: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: Aw, geez, Edith!
She drops her tray onto the table.
She pulls on the back of the chair opposite him, but it's stuck.
Elliot: This chair won't pull out.
Dr. Cox: Oh! Maybe that's because my ankles are wrapped around it. Lookit: I actually need some 'me' time.
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
She picks up her tray and starts towards another table. She stops.
Elliot: I just wanted to say that, if you have any other bad news situations, I would gladly handle them for you.
Dr. Cox: Really?
He pushes the chair out.
Dr. Cox: Well, welcome aboard.
She laughs with excitement as she takes a seat.
He giggles back, then sighs to himself, wondering what he's gotten himself into.
Cut to...another table.
Turk sits down at a table with J.D.0
J.D.: Dude, why would you get turkey when there's egg salad?
Turk: Dude, there's no egg salad today.
Janitor: Missed a spot. Mm-hmm.
J.D. comes up to Carla.
J.D.: So, we're even, right?
Carla: Even. I told a nurse you switched her shifts -- you babbled all my crazy to the person I plan on spending the rest of my life with!
J.D.: Well, I could've spent the rest of my life with Lauren! ...Or at least with her tushie. I just want to wash it -- is that weird?
Carla: You think this is funny?
J.D.: Come on....
Carla: I told you how hard it is for me to let my guard down, and that quick, you burn me. Never again.
She leaves him.
J.D.: Well, don't walk away! Carla...come on.
Turk: Bonnie. I found out that Dr. Wen actually recommended you for that trip to Mexico. I'm sure you know how hard it is for me to stand here and admit that to you, so I was hoping that we can use this as an opportunity to repair our relationship. What do you say?
Turk: Oh, my God. Okay, fine! Look, _you_ go to Mexico; okay? And, by the way, "dolor en el asno" means "pain in the ass" -- I thought it would help you when you introduce yourself.
Bonnie: I don't want your charity! You go. And every second you're down there, I want you to think about how I kick your ass up and down these halls all day long. Now...where was I?
Bonnie: Oh, yeah!
Dr. Cox delivers a stack of charts to Elliot.
Dr. Cox: There ya go, prom queen. There's some really tragic stuff in there, so, you know, go nuts.
Elliot: All--all of these are your patients?
Dr. Cox: No, but when word got about your little offer, a bunch of other docs wanted in.
Elliot: Oh, great! More for me!
Elliot is seen delivering the bad news to several patients:
Elliot: I'm afraid you have hepatitis.
Elliot: Esophageal gastro duodenal colitis.
Elliot: Yes, it's like being blind in one eye...except you'll be blind in both.
Elliot: I'm really sorry, um...there's nothing more that we can do.
The pay phone is ringing.
The Janitor and Troy are shouting and banging on it.
Janitor: Hello? We can hear you! Hello!?
Troy: Why won't it stop ringing!?!?
Janitor: Hello??!!?? For the love of God! Hello???!!!
J.D.: All right, look: Okay, I never meant to insinuate you guys were stupid, all right? Everyone knows you're a hundred times smarter than the jackasses that run this place.
Dr. Kelso passes behind him.
Dr. Kelso: Is that so, sport?
J.D.: No, sir. It's not so. Ooh..
J.D.: Would you just go ahead and answer it, already! [picks up receiver] Hello?
Janitor: [on a cell phone?] Hello.
Angry, J.D. slams down the receiver and walks away.
Troy: [laughs] Take that, smart guy!
Janitor: Troy. That's not how we do it.
Carla: Mr. Hogan, what the hell?
Mr. Hogan: Well, what would you do if your five-year-old son begged you to have a bite of his dinner?
Carla: You had two dozen ribs!
Mr. Hogan: I know.... I don't even have a kid.
Carla: That's it, I've--I've had enough. This is ridiculous.
J.D.: Will you lay off Mr. Hogan? So he made a mistake, all right, people make mistakes. When they do, it wouldn't hurt you to cut them some slack once in a while.
Carla exits the room.
Mr. Hogan: Thanks, man.
J.D.: Quiet; this isn't about you! Don't eat meat!
J.D. follows after Carla.
J.D.: Carla! Look, every time you screwed up with me, I've totally let you off the hook.
Carla: When have I ever screwed up with you?
J.D.: Okay, never. But we both know that if you ever did, I would give you a break. Now let's see how you like it when I walk away from you.
He hangs a right and walks down the hall.
J.D.: Actually, I need to go this way.
He comes back and goes in the other direction.
J.D.: Right the first time.
The door is marked as being dangerous because of contaminants.
Inside, Elliot is bawling her eyes out.
She exits, to see Dr. Cox.
Elliot: [pasting on a grin] Awesome!
Dr. Cox: Awww..... You're gonna love this one! Twenty-five-year-old woman -- dancer, actually...well, not anymore, I'm afraid we have to take both of her legs -- bilateral gangrene -- and seeing as her husband recently passed away, and her insurance at the dancer's union probably is not gonna cover it, you should go ahead and tell her she won't be able to stay here with us for her rehab.
Elliot: Um, what...room is she in?
Dr. Cox: There is no room. In fact, in the history of medicine, there's never actually been a patient that depressing. I made it up! Come on, now, Barbie; you keep going down this road, you're gonna go up to the roof of this hospital and jump the hell off. Mind you, it's only five stories high, so that means you'll just wind up back down here, where I, of course, will be the one who has to treat you, and then I'll be forced to jump off the roof of this hospital, which, as I was suggesting to you, is only five stories high, and are you starting to see a pattern forming here?
Elliot: I just wanted to be colleagues.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, as long as you stay and work at this hospital, I'm always gonna be your superior.... That's just the way it goes. Don't get me wrong, you can keep trying to connect with me; I mean, hell, you're...you're so damn entertaining you just might make some head-way. But still, you might be better served -- and, this is a crazy notion -- if you could stop worrying so much about who does and doesn't notice...you. Even for a second...that'd be good; that'd be real good.
J.D.'s Narration: I think every day is made up of tiny little tests.
J.D.'s Narration: Some are tests of character.
Turk stands at the door looking at Dr. Kelso's car destined for Mexico, it honks, ready to leave.
J.D.'s Narration: Some are tests of fortitude.
In the cafeteria, Dr. Cox pushes a chair for Elliot, Elliot passes Dr. Cox's table without a second glance.
J.D.'s Narration: Others are tests of friendship.
Carla: I spoke to my brother today.
Carla: Mm-hmm. He's having some problems.
J.D.'s Narration: And if you're lucky, when it really matters, you'll pass with flying colors.
In the car, Dr. Kelso is waiting for the surgeon to accompany him.
The door flies open, and Todd jumps in.
Todd: Hola, K-dog! Yeah-ha-ha! Full bar! Take us to Mexico!
The car speeds off.