A Home Furnishings Store -- Day
J.D. and Turk are having a face-off.
J.D.'s Narration: Even close friends disagree about decisions.
Turk holds up a shower curtain.
Turk: How 'bout this one?
J.D.: You want to get a _clear_ shower curtain? Why don't I just nude up in the living room and you can spray me down with a hose.
Turk: Dude, if you're gonna be that self-conscious, I could always doodle in chest hairs right about where you'd stand.
J.D.: I have a chest hair.... I named him Clancy.
J.D.'s Narration: And then it happened....
A sales girl walks up to them.
Sales Girl: Can I help you, sir?
Her voice echoes: Sir?...Sir?...Sir?...Sir?...Sir?...Sir?...
As the scene changes to...
Cafeteria -- Later That Day
J.D., Turk, Carla, and Elliot are at a table.
J.D.: I can't believe she called me "sir."
Turk: She called me "mister."
Carla: Maybe it's because you're bald?
Turk: I'm not bald -- I shave my head.
Carla: Well, then, let it grow back.
Turk: Careful, honey!
J.D.: We're practically kids!
Elliot: Really? Well, what are you doing for Halloween tomorrow night?
Turk: Well, we used to dress up as pigs and hit every bar in town?
J.D.: Yeah! You have not lived until you've seen a drunken pig do The Robot.
The two guys make robot sounds as they stiffly hold up their hands and give each other five.
Carla: She didn't ask what you used to do, she asked what you're doing _this_ Halloween.
Turk: We got plans!
J.D.: Big plans!
Elliot: Watch T.V. and sleep?
Turk: Yeah, pretty much.
J.D.: Oh, I may take a bath first.
J.D.: Give me some!
They five again, normally.
J.D.'s Narration: It was sad, 'cause I started to think I'd never feel like a kid again.
Admissions -- A Little Later
J.D. is walking through, and is tackled by a guy only a little older than he.
Guy: Arrgghh! Hey-hey-hey, little brother! It's the head-lockin' Dan!
J.D.: What the hell are you doing here!?
Dr. Cox approaches.
Dr. Cox: You know, it's funny, Vivian, I was just going to ask you the exact same question, seeing as how I paged you four minutes and thirty-eight seconds ago.
Dan releases J.D. from the headlock.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, this is my big brother, Dan! He just showed up unexpected!
Dr. Cox: [looking at his watch] Heh. Four minutes and forty-four seconds.
Dan: Whoa, whoa; easy, there, chief! Why don't we have one of those nurses, there, pour you a big, tall glass of calm down juice.
J.D.: [panicked] Dan, um...mm-mm, mm-mm.
Dr. Cox: You know, Newbie, it's so interesting -- I found I couldn't sleep last night, so, in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "hump day" and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] But now, I'm thrilled to announce, your brother tops the list, which is--
Dan: Hey, chief! Does this speech have an intermission? 'Cause I gotta go to the lobby and take a wizz.
Dr. Cox: Aaaactually, I'm not so keen on nicknames from guys that barely know me!
Dan: [imitating Cox] Aaaaactually, why don't you tell me what you keen on?
J.D.: [near tears] Oh, Dan, no.
Dr. Cox stares daggers at Dan.
Dan: Where's the crapper?
J.D., Dan, and Carla are walking through.
Carla: So, Dan, what brings you to town?
Dan: Oh, some guy hired me to fly here, drive his Mercedes back -- I figure it's an easy way to pick up some extra cash.
Carla: Oh. Plus, you get to hang out with Bambi!
J.D.'s Thoughts: Maybe he'll let that go....
J.D.: Well, you know, it's a term of endearment that only Carla uses.
Dan: I respect that, Bambi.
Carla: Well, that's smart, because you do not want to get on Bambi's bad side and suffer the wrath of Bambi! Brrr!
J.D.: Why are you here?
Carla: Oh, uh, Room 310's test came back negative, I thought you might want to give him the good news.
She hands J.D. the chart and heads back to work.
Dan: Let me do it.
Dan: I can totally be a doctor.
J.D.: I can't let you tell him!
Dan: I won't call you Bambi anymore.
J.D. considers it.
Dan stands at the foot of the man's bed in a borrowed white coat.
Dan: [professional demeanor] Touch-and-go there for a while. You're a fighter! You pulled through. We're gonna get you out of here today, but! I'd like you to keep an eye on those...[glances at chart]...rickles.
Patient: Rickles is my last name.
Dan: You bet it is. Do you have kids?
Patient: Yeah, two.
Dan: That's what I'm saying. Let's keep an eye on the little Rickles -- children are our future!
J.D. pokes his head in the door.
J.D.: Doctor, it's an emergency, we need you right away.
Dan: Dammit, Bambi, I'm busy! [to the patient] So hard to find a good male nurse these days. Am I right?
Hall / Admissions
J.D., Dan, and Elliot are walking through.
J.D.: You need to understand, Elliot, Dan wasn't just the captain of every team -- he was like the mayor of our high school. The jocks dug him, the burn-outs dug him, the nerds, like, worshipped him!
Elliot: What about you?
Dan: He mentioned the nerds.
J.D.: See, why hurt me?
Elliot: Yeah, I thought I was gonna be cool in high school for like five minutes, but then my dad made me play the tuba in the marching band and I developed massive forearms. Halfway through the prom, my silk gloves exploded off me like I was the Incredible Hulk.
Dan: You know I think it's sexy to dance with a woman who can lift her partner over her head.
As she and Dan continue out the door, J.D. stops briefly to take in the situation.
J.D.'s Thoughts: You know, it's nice when your friends and family click. It makes you feel like--
He's interrupted by her continuing giggles.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait a second, is she still laughing?
***Fantasy Sequence: Swanky sax music plays.
Dan: That is--
Dan reaches over and flicks a switch, dimming the sunlight. Elliot strips off her backpack, and the two throw themselves into a kiss.
J.D. screws up his face in frustration as Elliot continues to giggle.
J.D.: Stop your stupid laughing! It makes you look like a whore!
They both give him a weird look.
J.D.: Jokin'! Heh.
Turk is discussing his patient with the man's spouse.
Dr. Cox is nearby, reading a chart.
Lady: I appreciate everything you did for my husband. The funeral's tomorrow, and I'd love it if you could attend.
Turk: Unfortunately I'm in surgery all day. But, still, I'm sorry for your loss.
The woman goes on her way.
When she's thoroughly gone, Dr. Cox addresses Turk.
Dr. Cox: Dodging the funeral? Nice!
Turk: 'Scuse me?
Dr. Cox: Just a veteran move from the baby-faced sophomore. The whole "I'm sorry for your loss" thing was a little Hallmark-y for me, but darn it all if you're not showing just a ton of promise!
Turk: If I could be there, I'd be there. Wait a second, you treated him, right? So you should want to go, too. Right?
He heads down the hall. Dr. Cox chases after him.
Dr. Cox: Hey, Ghandi. For your information, I attended that poor vegetable's funeral every single time I set foot in his room over the last six weeks. Thank God the family finally moved him over to Surgery, where you guys were good enough to help him kick that nasty oxygen habit he had once and for all.
Turk: Oh, that's great -- make jokes. You know, I wish I could be an insensitive, cynical robo-doc like you, but unfortunately, I don't hate the world enough. You know what I'm saying, chief?
Dr. Cox: [to self] Will people please stop calling me "chief"!
Dr. Kelso passes through.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, numb-nuts.
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment -- Bathroom
J.D. unzips, and speaks loudly to Dan outside as he does his business.
J.D.: Hey, Dan! You remember when we were kids, and every Halloween you used to always try and scare the crap out of me?
The clear shower curtain flies open, revealing Dan behind it, yelling like a banshee.
J.D. screams in terror and collapses onto the floor.
Dan: Yeah, I remember that.
He steps over J.D. and heads back out to the living room.
Dan: So, while I'm here, we should play some frisbee golf, we should...maybe give dad a call.... Dad. Oh, we should definitely make sure I sleep with that Elliot chick.
J.D.: That's a little weird for me 'cause...I don't know if you'd know this or not, but...we used to be intimate.
Dan: Int--inimate? What'd you do, bathe her?
J.D.: Yeah, once...but she was wearing a swimsuit.
Dan: All right, I get it. I'll back off. It's gonna be tough, though, 'cause she sounds kinda wild.
Dan makes a weird noise as he thrusts his pelvis lasciviously.
In typical little brother fashion, J.D. tries to imitate.
Dan: Can't teach it.
Dr. Cox is waiting for a fellow staffer in a gorilla costume to finish getting his coffee.
Dr. Cox: Come on, let's go, you've got an opposable thumb -- you can use it!
Finally, success. The gorilla moves off, and Dr. Cox moves in to get his cup. He speaks to Carla behind the desk, who's wearing little cat ears and a tail along with her pink scrubs, and has a nose and whiskers painted on.
Dr. Cox: God, I hate Halloween!
Carla: Somebody needs to adjust their attitude if they want some candy.
She gestures to the bowl on the desk. He inspects the contents.
Dr. Cox: You mean the popcorn balls and the deformed lollipos? I mean, honestly, where do you get this crap anyway?
Nurse Roberts, in a little blue dress and red mop wig, steps in front of him.
Nurse Roberts: I made it! If you want name-brand candy, my fist is packed with peanuts!
Dr. Cox: Of course it is.
Carla: Oh, what's the matter, did Raggedy Ann scare you?
Dr. Cox: What are you, a rat?
Turk: Don't listen to him, Baby.
Carla: I never do.
Turk: So, Dr. Cox, the intern asked for a surgical consult on Mr. Carney?
Dr. Cox: Yeah.
Turk: I suggest we do a fem-pop bypass.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Carney's a frail old man who'd...probably snap in half from a light sponge bath.
Turk: All I'm saying is if we do surgery, we could improve his quality of life.
Dr. Cox: The guy's a thousand. What's he gonna, take a steamer over to Europe, open up a café, and finally meet that nine hundred-year-old girl of his dreams?
Turk: I made my recommendation.
Dr. Cox: You stood up for what you believe in, and I respect that.
Turk: Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Twenty bucks says you kill him.
Turk: You're on!
Dr. Cox: You got it, baby.
Turk leaves, and Cox finally takes a sip of his coffee.
Dr. Cox: Whoa. Can I get some, uh, sugar over here?
He's pelted in the face with several packets, from the guy in the gorilla suit.
The doctors are gathered for rounds.
Dr. Kelso: Finally, can anyone tell me the dermatologic condition associated with rhinophyma...Dr. Murphy?
Doug Murphy has gotten in the spirit of Halloween. He's got on a pointed clown hat, red cheeks, and a great rubber nose.
Doug: Uh, could it be...psoriasis?
Dr. Kelso: And yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant.
Doug reluctantly removes his rubber nose.
Dr. Kelso: Now if any of you other would-be revelers get the urge to dress up on this, the mother of all non-holidays, please consider me the razor blade in your caramel apple. We're professionals, dammit!
He gets in Doug's face.
Dr. Kelso: You know...it's nothing personal, son...you just make me sick.
He leaves, and the group breaks up, except for Doug, who stands there a bit stunned.
Doug: [excited] He called me son! He called me son!
J.D. starts down the hall, and Elliot catches up with him.
Elliot: So, uh, you going to lunch with your brother?
J.D.: Yeah, I...well, you know, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.
Elliot: So call and change it to three.
J.D.: Ohh, I'm not gonna mess with that hostess. You know, she uses sharp tones.
Elliot stops him.
Elliot: Heh, yeah right. Now, I'll give you three seconds to give me the real reason I can't go to lunch, otherwise I'm coming.
J.D. struggles to think.
J.D. is walking through by himself. Finally, the answer arrives.
J.D.: Because I need special time with my brother! Argh!
He slaps himself in the forehead.
In doing so, he's failed to notice passing the Janitor, who is standing against the wall, possibly waiting for him.
J.D. stops and turns around.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Janitor: I just figure you gotta be wondering, "Am I gonna get a trick, or am I gonna get a treat?" You'll be getting a trick.
Janitor: It'll be fast, and you won't even know it's me.
J.D.: You just told me it was gonna be you.
Janitor: You'll still have your doubts.
The Janitor walks backwards down the hall.
Janitor: And the best part is, you're gonna be nervous all day about it, 'cause it could happen at any time!
He rounds the corner and disappears.
J.D. shakes his head and continues down the hall.
The Janitor leaps out from around the corner and yells, frightening J.D., who screams, and holds up his hands ready to karate chop.
Janitor: That wasn't it. Fun, though!
He goes back around the corner.
J.D.: [to his hands] False alarm, boys.
Turk will be assisting Dr. Wen in the operation of Mr. Carney, who has just been put under.
Turk: All right, here we go, Mr. Carney.
Turk turns to Dr. Wen.
Turk: Dr. Wen, I want you to stay focused, okay? I want Dr. Wen to be Dr. _Zen_, man!
Dr. Wen: Christopher, after fifteen years and over ten thousand surgeries, I think I can do without the pep-talk.
Turk: Message received, sir. [whispers] I believe in you.
J.D., Elliot, and Dan are at a table.
J.D.'s Thoughts: So, big deal, we're having lunch together. It doesn't have to be awkward.
Dan: So, what's my little bro like in the sack?
Elliot: What?! [laughs]
J.D.: You do not have to answer that.
Dan: 'Kay, if he tries hard but there's room for improvement, take a sip of your drink.
Elliot giggles and takes a sip of her drink.
Elliot: What? I was thirsty.
J.D.: All right, you know, fine. A-ask me if she could be better!
He guzzles his drink.
J.D.: What? Thirsty!
Elliot: [whispering to Dan] I wasn't thirsty.
I.C.U. -- Hall
Dr. Cox and Turk are looking in the observation window of Mr. Carney's room.
Turk: Stable. Condition. What time is it? Time to dance!
He breaks into some wild hip-hop moves.
Turk: [dancing and singing] Come on! Wit' it! Come on! Bring it back! Come on! Heeeheee! Woo! Pay the man!
He holds out his open palm to Dr. Cox, who slaps the 20 into it.
Dr. Cox: There you go.
Turk: Hello, Mr. Jackson! [takes out his wallet] I want to introduce you to the Washington brothers. Y'all get nice and cozy...up in my wallet!
Dr. Cox: Now, before you get too awful high up on your horse, there, Tonto, I feel it's my duty to remind you of just a little something.
Turk: Mm? Hm?
Dr. Cox: See, you just made a twenty dollar bet on whether a fellow human being would live or die. Now tell me, just exactly how does that make you feel, Mr. Sensitive? Pretty good?
Turk's face drops.
Dr. Cox: All the best.
Elliot: So, uh, why'd you drive someone else's car across country?
Dan: It is a great way to make three hundred bucks.
Elliot: What do you do that you could take that kind of time off?
Dan: I tend bar.
J.D.: But not just like any bar -- it's like "_The_ Bar". It's like, when all the college kids come home from Thanksgiving, it's like where everybody goes. I go there when I'm home.
Elliot: [to Dan] So you still live in your home town?
Dan: Yeah, I kinda take care of my mom's place, so she lets me stay with her.
J.D.: Well, Dan, you don't _stay with her_. I mean, come on, it--it--it--he's not like Greg Brady living in the attic with beads for a door. [chuckles] I mean...he totally has his own space. More like...uh, Kirk Cameron in the last season of 'Growing Pains', when he lived above the garage with Boner? Anyone? Am I the only one? Boner? ...No?
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized that even though I was a little jealous, that's not why I was trying to keep Elliot and Dan apart.
J.D.: Dan's doing great.
J.D.'s Narration: ...The real reason was that I was ashamed of my brother. And I think he knew it, too.
Dan: You two should probably get back to work.
He grabs his coat and leaves the table, shooting J.D. a look.
Dan pulls in in the Mercedes, with Elliot in the passenger seat and J.D. cramped in the back.
Elliot: These heated seats are amazing. They make my butt tingle.
Dan: And every time you say that, an angel gets their wings.
He laughs, and Elliot joins in.
Dan: No, it's a sweet ride, but as J.D. has made so abundantly clear, I--I could never afford this car.
J.D.: Would you please just let it go!?
Elliot: [uncomfortable] Um...so I'll...I'll see ya.
Dan: Not if I see you first.
Elliot giggles and gets out of the car.
J.D.'s Narration: Somehow I knew my brother would handle this the way he always did when there was a deep emotional conflict between us.
Dan runs up the automatic windows.
Dan: So, can you work the windows from back there?
Dan farts -- loudly.
J.D.: Oh, God! Oh, please tell me that...[gags]...that was the horn!
Dan: There's your heated seat, my friend.
J.D. presses his face against the closed window, trying to get away from the smell.
J.D.: Oh, God! It's everywhere!
Hall / Nurses' Station
Dr. Kelso greets a couple of orderlies who arrive with an occupied body bag on a gurney.
Dr. Kelso: Do you people have any idea how long I've been waiting on you? Next time, if you're not here in thirty minutes or less, I expect a free dead body! ...Or at least some garlic knots.
Nearby, Turk and Carla witness this.
Turk: Dr. Kelso, I think that's extremely insensitive.
Dr. Kelso: I don't think so. Miss Parker, you care to weigh in?
He bends down to listen at the head of the gurney.
Dr. Kelso: Nope, she's fine with it. And she knows a thing or two! ...Except of course that a yellow light means to slow down.
He chuckles morbidly.
Turk: You're not understanding what I'm trying to tell you.
He turns to Carla.
Turk: Kitty, this sucks.
Carla: How can I make it better?
The spouse of Turk's patient greets him and Carla warmly.
Lady: Thank you so much for coming.
Turk: Oh, are you kidding? We've been looking forward to this.... You know, ever since he...he died.
Carla laughs nervously.
J.D. is walking through, a folder in hand. Elliot catches up with him.
Elliot: Hey, you okay?
J.D.: Yeah...why wouldn't I be?
Elliot: You and your brother? I mean, come on, the tension on the ride back to work was palpable. I wanted to say something. I mean, I was this close to getting back in the car.
J.D.: That wouldn't have been a wise choice! No, seriously, thank you, Elliot; we're fine.
She continues on. J.D. goes to pass through a doorway, but is blocked by the staffer in the gorilla suit. There's a bit of a dance before the gorilla finally gets fed up, knocks the folder out of J.D.'s hands, and pushes past.
J.D.: Damn you, you dirty ape!
Carla drags Turk over to the table of food.
Carla: Babe, you have got to try one of these -- they are to die for!
One of the mourners gives her a look.
Carla: I'm sorry for your loss.
She holds the food up to Turk.
Carla: G'head, try one!
The spouse ushers an older lady over to Turk, Carla backs off.
Lady: Mother, this is Dr. Turk, the surgeon who worked so hard.
Turk: Oh, please, it's the least I could do for...uh....
His eyes widen.
Mother: You see, he doesn't even remember his name!
Turk: No! No, no, no, I remember his name.... His--his name was...
Behind the two ladies, Carla bobs her head at Turk.
Turk: His name was...was...was...uh.... [struggles to figure out Carla's signal] You know, we used to call him "old chicken neck".
Lady: This is the problem with doctors today -- they don't care!
Turk: No, no! It's just that, uh, recently I've had a lot of patients, and so it--I've gotten--I've been really busy!
Lady: Not too busy to come here in the middle of the day and stuff your face with free food!
Carla comes over.
Turk: Damn you, woman!
Carla: Ladies, please! This is a good, caring doctor. He did everything he could for Bob.
The ladies leave their presence.
Turk bobs his head to Carla, the way she had been doing.
Turk: This is "Bob"? That's "Bob"?!
Carla: Like for apples...you know, "bob".
J.D. comes through, with his recollected folder, and notices the Janitor taking his break, eating a banana.
J.D.: Oh, I get it. Well, let's see how tough you are without your costume on. Go ahead and--and knock the folders out of my hand now!
The Janitor does so.
Janitor: What costume?
J.D.: You weren't wearing a gorilla suit before?
Janitor: There's someone running around in a gorilla suit? What's he look like?
J.D.: A gorilla....
Janitor: No, it's not me.
J.D.: Well, then, why'd you knock the folder out of my hand?!
Janitor: Because you asked me to. Here you go.
He puts his banana peel in J.D.'s breast pocket.
J.D.: I didn't ask you to do that!
Janitor: Yeah...that comes free with the folder knock.
He goes off. As J.D. struggles to pick up his folders again, Dr. Kelso approaches.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport, how you doin'?
J.D.: Oh, good, sir.
Dr. Kelso: I don't have time to stand here and flirt, son. There have been rumblings that you let your brother play doctor the other day.
J.D.: Dr. Kelso, I--
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Dorian, if I had one shred of evidence that incident actually took place, you would be working with my nephew Francis so fast, it'd make your head spin!
J.D.: Sir, I don't follow.
Dr. Kelso: He cleans pools! I forgot you didn't know that! Well, anyway, I trust we will not be seeing your brother in the hospital again!
J.D. glances over at the front windows, where Elliot has ostensibly invited Dan back. She waves at J.D.
J.D.: Not _inside_, no.
Hall / Nurses' Station
Turk and Carla have returned from the funeral and head back to work.
Turk: Oh, my God...I'm totally going to hell.
He continues on down the hall.
Carla: Turk, wait! People get thrown out of funerals every day!
Cox, juggling some of Nurse Roberts' popcorn balls near the desk, snickers.
Carla: Why are you laughing?
Dr. Cox: Well, top of my head, I'd have to say it's because he's suffering. But, of course, I love the poetry of someone putting himself way up on a pedestal and then getting knocked the hell back down into this puddle of self-hated...with the rest of us.
Carla: Did you do this to him?
He tosses the balls behind him, where they smack into the cabinets, startling a nurse.
Dr. Cox: I don't know. Did anybody ever really _do_ anything to anybody else?
Carla: You're gonna tell me why you did this -- and it better be good.
Dr. Cox: How does "for poops and giggles" grab ya?
Elliot has gathered the two brothers together.
Elliot: Isn't there...something you guys wanna talk about? You know, like cars or sports...or boobs?
Dan: I'll talk about boobs. Remember Fred Kiefer's mom?
J.D.: She wore a tank-top to Fred's thirteenth birthday party.... She taught us how to bob for apples, and three guys passed out.
Elliot: Okay, great story! Now how about something with a little more substance?
Dan: Dude, remember the cans on Pat Clark's mom?
J.D.: Yeah! Those were awesome!
The guys laugh.
Elliot: 'Kay, you know what, forget it.
She leaves them.
J.D.: Elliot! Come on! What does she expect us to talk about?
Dan: I don't know.... Maybe the fact that you're so embarrassed by me that you make excuses to your friends about how I live my life.
J.D.: Oh, yeah....
The guy in the gorilla suit exits the hospital and passes between the Dorian boys, deactivating his car alarm on the way.
J.D.: We're...we're working hard on a cure.
Dr. Cox walks through. He passes Turk, who is waiting for an elevator.
Dr. Cox: [whistles] Let's go, field trip.
Turk: I got things to do, you know.
Still, he follows Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Let me guess, you're off to another funeral. I'll make you a deal -- you come with me right now, and if you're still late for the graveyard, I will personally scour the obituaries with you this weekend and you can just go nuts!
Turk: Carla put you up to this?
Dr. Cox: No, it was my idea. I desperately want to be close with you, I just can't figure out how to connect. Turn around.
Turk gives him a look.
Dr. Cox: [firm] Turn around.
Turk does turn around, and the two look into the observation window of a patient in the I.C.U.
The family is gathered around the bed as Dr. Wen speaks to them.
Dr. Cox: You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong and that the patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry, and then he's going back to work. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today?
That is why we distance ourselves, that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun -- we do it so we can get by...and sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing.
He starts to walk away, knocking Turk in the shoulder as he passes, then stops.
Dr. Cox: Oh, and by the way.... [bobs his head] "Bob"? Who doesn't get that?
Dan and J.D. are sitting on the rail.
Dan: Look, J.D., we're all proud you became a doctor, but just because I haven't achieved as much as you doesn't mean I don't like what I do.
J.D.: Dan, there's nothing wrong with being a bartender.
Dan: I like living with mom.
J.D.: She makes great eggs!
Dan: All in all, I'm pretty damn happy! I'm happy...you know?
J.D.'s Thoughts: And now for the apology.
J.D. hops off the rail and faces his brother.
J.D.: That's a load of crap.
Dan gives him a questioning look.
J.D.: Look, I know you, okay. I know the reason you wanted to pretend you're a doctor yesterday is 'cause you hate working in that bar and you wanted to feel like somebody for once. Come on, man, you're not--you're not driving that car across the country for the three hundred dollars -- you're doing it 'cause you like the way you feel when you drive it. And the funny thing is, you could be that guy, but you're afraid that if--if you actually have to try at something you might fail, and that's just not a chance you're willing to take.
Dan: What can I say? It's been a real pleasure seeing you.
Dan hops off the rail and heads for the car.
Toad The Wet Sprocket's "Something's Always Wrong" begins to play.
J.D.: [sighs] Dan....
Dan ignores him.
J.D.'s Narration: Right then, I knew I'd never see my brother the same way again.
J.D. imagines his brother as a teenager, hopping into a classic Mustang, with a cheerleader by his side. As he drives past J.D., the present catches up with him, as he drives the Mercedes away.
J.D.'s Narration: You can never let go of the kid inside of you.
In a bar, J.D. and Turk are wearing their pig masks.
Turk: Dude, that girl in the wolf outfit is totally checking you out!
J.D.: I'd let her to blow my house down, you know what I'm sayin'!
They do their Robot High Five.
The barman sets a bowl of mixed nuts in front of the guys, and they dig in, face first.
Turk: ...a cashew!
J.D.'s Narration: You see, it's the kid inside of us that keeps us all from going crazy.
In his car, Dr. Kelso grips the steering wheel with his giant gorilla paws. He laughs maniacally.
The song fades.