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Open: Convenience store parking lot. J.D. enters on his scooter.
J.D.'s Narration: I was super-psyched to get my scooter, Sasha, back from the shop, but my new scooter insurance hadn't kicked in yet, so I was being extra-cautious.
(J.D. parks the scooter, removes his helmet and places orange cones all around the scooter. Sirens in the background grow louder.)
J.D.: Perfect. Time for my morning slushie.
(Three police cruisers enter the parking lot and surround J.D. Police exit the vehicles and take defensive positions, poised for a shootout. One officer pulls J.D. out of the line of fire.)
Officer: Get out of the way! The store's being robbed!
(A robber comes out of the store and draws a gun.)
(The robber looks to his left and notices a low brick wall, and to his right, J.D.'s scooter.)
J.D.: The wall! Hide behind the wall!
(The robber dives behind the scooter as police officers spray the scooter with gunfire.)
J.D.: NO! Sasha!
(The robber emerges from behind the scooter, drops the gun and holds his hands up in surrender.)
Robber: All right! All right! OK.
J.D.: There was a wall! What's the matter with you?
(Two more gunshots are fired, puncturing the scooters tires.)
J.D.: Who is still shooting? She's down!
(One final gunshot is fired at the scooter.)
J.D.: It's over!
(Cut to MRI room. Turk and J.D. are loading a patient into the machine.)
Patient: Is this gonna hurt?
J.D.: Oh, don't be such a baby, it's a magnetic image. I apologize, Mr. Foster, I'm a little upset. My scooter, Sasha was assassinated this morning.
Turk: Yeah, he was so attached to that thing. He used to wear a bracelet that said "Sasha Forever."
J.D.: Oh come on, Turk, it was just a joke. And I only wore it for one week.
J.D.: Now let's fire this baby up.
(The lab tech turns on the machine. J.D.'s wrist is drawn towards the machine and hits it with a metallic "clunk.")
J.D.: OK, so I still wear the bracelet.
Turk: Idiot. OH!
(Turk's wrist is also pulled into the machine and sticks.)
Turk: My watch.
(Cut to Nurses' Station. Ted is listening to a portable radio with headphones and Carla enters.)
Ted: HEY, CARLA!
Carla: Earphones, Ted!
Ted: Sorry. Hey, Carla, did you hear that the lottery's up to a hundred million? If I win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom.
Carla: Yeah, and you can spend the other 99,999,000 on therapy.
Ted: What would you do with the money?
(Cut to Carla's fantasy. The bar.)
Elliot: Carla, I can't believe you're going to be a mom!
Carla: I know! It was expensive, but totally worth it.
(Pan to Turk, who is pregnant.)
Carla: Right, baby?
Turk: Stupid lotto.
(End fantasy. Cut to Mrs. Wilk's room. Carla enters.)
Carla: Good morning, Mrs. Wilk.
Mrs. Wilk: Great morning.
(Carla opens the blinds to window between two rooms and gasps. Elliot is making out with someone in the next room.)
Mrs. Wilk: That is wrong.
Carla: Care to join me in a super loud throat clear?
Mrs. Wilk: Absolutely.
Carla: One, two, three.
Carla & Mrs. Wilk: AHEM!
(Elliot breaks the kiss and smiles nervously. Nurses' Station.)
Carla: Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.
Turk: [in unison] What did you do?
J.D.: [in unison] Was it naughty?
J.D.'s Narration: When women want men to completely zone out, there's always one thing they can talk about.
Elliot: You see, uh, yesterday I went shoe shopping and there was this one pair of...
Turk and J.D.'s Thoughts: [in unison, bored] Shoe shopping.
(Turk and J.D. space out.)
Elliot: ...and they were cute.
Carla: Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?
Elliot: So, we kissed? I've been treating his kid for a week and we just really hit it off, you know? I mean it started off with some pretty innocent flirting, "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid," "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"
Turk: Whose stool?
Carla: Strappy sandals.
Turk and J.D.'s Thoughts: [in unison, bored] Shoe shopping.
(Turk and J.D. space out again.)
(Flashback: a patient's room Elliot flirts with the man she kissed.)
Elliot's Voiceover: And then I asked where his wife was. He said "she's not with us."
(Cut back to Nurses' Station.)
Elliot: And then, you know...bleeeh.
(Elliot licks her lips.)
Carla: Cool. Oh, I almost forgot. Lace bra.
(Turk and J.D. snap to reality.)
J.D.: Were they D's?
Turk: Be specific.
(Cut to hallway.)
J.D.: Good news, Mr. Foster. The radiologist said your scan is completely clear, but we'd like to keep you here for a few more tests.
Mr. Foster: Whatever you say, doc.
(Cut to a patient's room. Doug has just tagged a deceased patient.)
J.D.'s Narration: A lot of weird things can happen in a hospital. Like Doug not getting a dead body out of his bed before rigor mortis sets in.
(Doug reclines the bed, but the body stays upright.)
Doug: Ted, give me a hand. He's not gonna fit in the body bag like this so, uh, lie across his feet and I'm gonna push down his head and straighten him out.
Doug: One, two, three!
(On three, Doug pushes the head down, which launches Ted into the air, against the window, knocking him out.
Ted: Waaahh! Ooof!
(Cut to Nurses' Station. J.D. enters with Mr. Foster. Elliot, Carla and Turk are occupied with other things.)
J.D.'s Narration: Still, the weirdest thing is when a really cool guy who's fine and talking to you one minute...
(Mr. Foster fades out.)
J.D.: ...is dead the next. Of course, in hospitals this happens a lot, so you have to shake it off and move on. Except when this happens.
(Dr. Cox enters.)
Dr. Cox: Well! If it isn't the four horsewomen of the apocalypse. There's a Morbidity and Mortality conference tomorrow morning to figure out who is responsible for Mr. Foster's death and here's the exciting news. I'm pretty sure it was one of you.
(An uncomfortable silence is followed by Turk's cellphone ringtone of Beethoven's Fifth.)
J.D.: You really gotta change that cellphone ring.
(Turk answers the phone.)
Turk: Mom, not now.
(Turk hangs up.)
Open: Auditorium full of doctors. Turk, Elliot, Carla and J.D. sit before a panel of senior staffers including Dr. Kelso, Dr. Cox and Ted.
J.D.'s Narration: So, a patient was dead and one of us was going to be blamed.
(Turk's cell phone rings again.)
J.D.: Dude, you've got to change that cell phone ring.
Turk: You think so, huh? [on phone] Mom, not now.
J.D.'s Narration: With Morbidity and Mortality conferences, the first question sets the tone for the whole day.
Dr. Kelso: Who the hell ate my scone?
Dr. Cox: That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious. My compliments to the little lady.
Dr. Kelso: I made those.
Dr. Cox: I know.
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, you admitted Mr. Foster with coughing and shortness of breath. Is that correct?
(J.D. leans forward to his mic.)
(The microphone doesn't work, so J.D. taps it.)
J.D.: Mic check, mic check.
(J.D. leans over to Turk's microphone and taps it, then Elliot's, and finally climbs on top of the table to reach Carla's, which works.)
(J.D. returns to his seat.)
Dr. Kelso: And then what happened?
(J.D. moves to climb across the table again.)
Dr. Kelso: Dorian. I'm ten feet away from you. Talk.
J.D.: Uh, Mr. Foster had recently flown to India, where had been exposed to an outbreak of pertussis. I was going to check on his labs, but first I had to visit another patient, Mr. Sutton.
(Flashback to elevator. J.D. exits the elevator, pushing Mr. Sutton in a wheelchair towards the Admissions Area.)
J.D.: So, Mr. Sutton, when you came with heartburn, I bet you thought I'd kick your butt right out of here. But not this guy. I admitted you and I stayed up all night studying your EKG because I had a hunch, and no girlfriend. But it was mostly the hunch thing. And that hunch paid off because if I hadn't found that blocked artery, you'd be dead right now.
J.D.'s Thoughts: And here comes the gratitude. The two words every doctor lives to hear.
(Mr. Sutton gets up.)
Mr. Sutton: Later, dude.
(Mr. Sutton exits. Cut to Mr. Foster's room.)
J.D.: I can't believe he didn't thank me. You'll thank me when you leave, won't you?
Mr. Foster: I-I don't know. Why are you so needy?
Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.
J.D.: Oh, OK, Turk. Looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2:00 spot and getting penciled in for never. How does that feel, does it sting?
J.D.'s Thoughts: He's hurting. Hug him. Hug him now!
Carla: Hey, guys? What would you do with a hundred million dollars?
Dr. Kelso: A hundred million dollars?
Carla: Sir, the super lotto jackpot was up to a hundred million dollars, so earlier that morning...
(Flashback continues. Nurses' Station.)
Carla: I'm just saying, think of what you could do with that kind of money.
Janitor: I could get a trained shark.
(Cut to Janitor's fantasy. J.D. stands on a diving board at a backyard pool. Janitor is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sipping a cocktail.)
J.D.: Thanks for inviting me over, Janitor.
Janitor: Anytime, buddy! Anytime. [into a walkie-talkie] Wait for him, wait for him.
J.D.: Can opener!
(J.D. does a can opener off the diving board.)
Janitor: [into walkie-talkie] The lobster's in the pot! Devour! Devour!
J.D.: Something feels pinchy. WHOA! AAH! WAAAH!! AAAAHH!!
(J.D. gets thrashed from side to side by an unseen shark as ominous music plays.)
Janitor: [into walkie-talkie] Save me a leg.
(End fantasy. Cut back to Nurses' Station.)
Janitor: I'm in.
Carla: And you know, we could buy a lot more tickets if you could collect money from everyone.
Janitor: I'll start going through their lockers.
Carla: No, I meant asking them.
Janitor: Seems kind of roundabout, but OK.
Carla: Hey, Dr. Cox. You wanna put in for some lottery tickets?
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Carla, I would. I really would, but you see, I already set fire to a big pile of money just this morning.
Carla: Hey, we have the same chance of winning as anyone else.
Dr. Cox: And the category is, ding, things that have a better chance of happening than you winning the lottery: Tedsky, throw ten seconds on the clock for me, would you please?
(Ted begins timing Dr. Cox.)
Dr. Cox: Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about anything that happens on Wisteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba-Simpson...
Dr. Cox: Ohh..
Carla: Anyway, that explains why I went into the room and said...
(Continue flashback: Carla enters Mr. Foster's room.)
Carla: What would you do with a hundred million dollars?
J.D.: Me? Floating-Head Doctor.
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: Yeah, I'd spend the money researching how to successfully separate my head from my body. That way I could literally be in two places at once.
(Cut to J.D.'s fantasy: ICU. J.D's head floats through, as people give him disturbed looks.)
J.D.'s Head: Looking good, Mr. Henderson. Looking real good, Nurse Meyers.
(A patient begins flat-lining.)
J.D.'s Head: Uh-oh, he's flat-lining! Body, come!
(William Tell Overture plays. J.D.'s body, on an exercise bike, leaps off, runs down the hall, and crashes into a wall as it reaches the ICU. Music falters.)
J.D.'s Head: Dammit! Starting CPR.
(J.D.'s Head beats itself against the patient's chest.)
J.D.'s Head: Oww!
(End fantasy. Cut back to Mr. Foster's room.)
J.D.: Well, there would probably be some kinks to work out initially.
(Elliot enters the room and hides behind a wall. Another woman enters.)
Woman: Where is that whore?
Dr. Kelso: Who's a whore?
(Elliot raises her hand.)
Elliot: That'd be me, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course. Would you care to elaborate?
Elliot: See, um, yesterday, uh, I went shoe shopping...
Turk's Thoughts: Shoe shopping.
Ted's Thoughts: Shoe shopping.
Audience's Thoughts: Shoe shopping.
(They all space out.)
Elliot: ...and they had a T-strap.
Dr. Cox: Oh, puh-lease. Jordan used to use that one on me all the time. Immune. Watch this. Satin panties!
(Everyone snaps to reality.)
Elliot: Fine. I was checking on Mrs. Wilk and...
(Continue flashback. Mrs. Wilk's room.)
Elliot: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to explain to you my behavior before. It's not like I was just making out with some random guy in the hospital, I wouldn't do that. Well, I did that once, there was this Medevac pilot. Actually, he just turned out to be an orderly who got his hands on a helicopter helmet, but this is different. Sure, it could get complicated, he has a son...
Mrs. Wilk: And a wife.
(They look into the next room. The man Elliot kissed is now kissing his wife.)
Elliot: I've been making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away! Oh, my God, I've become my mother.
(Cut to just outside the room. Elliot waves to the man's wife.)
Elliot: You said your wife was dead!
Man: No, I said she wasn't with us. Don't make me out to be a bad guy.
Elliot: Well, you're not a good guy. Good guys don't lie about being single, or about being helicopter pilots. If you're a good guy, you would get in there and tell her what happened.
Man: You're right.
Elliot: Hell, yeah, I am.
(The man returns to his son's room to talk to his wife.)
Elliot: [to herself] Wait, what?!
Elliot's Voiceover: You know how, when something horrible happens like a car accident, everything slows down?
(The man graphically mimes kissing someone to his wife, then points at Elliot.)
(Elliot flees, then enters Mr. Foster's room and hides behind a wall. The man's wife enters.)
Wife: Where is that whore?
Elliot: Hey, guys. 'Sup?
J.D.: Elliot, would you do me a favor and cover Mr. Foster for me? I have to go to Mr. Sutton's house and get the thank you I deserve.
Carla: You are so obsessing about this.
Turk: It's like the time you were convinced that the cafeteria workers were giving you small waffles. How'd that work out for you?
J.D.: They waffle ironed my foot. But this different, buddy. Look, I need a ride.
J.D.: Oh, pass, huh? Well this is what happened last time you passed.
(J.D. takes off his shoe and puts his bare foot on Mr. Foster's bed, showing a waffle-patterned burn scar on the bottom of his foot.
Turk. OK. Put the foot away. Put the waffle foot away.
(Cut to Mr. Sutton's house. They approach the gate to the yard.)
J.D.: This is where Sutton lives, right? Let's get in there.
(They see a sign on the gate that says "BEWARE OF..." The last word is covered with mud.)
(Turk wipes the mud off the sign. The hidden word is "BIRDS." They look at each other, laugh and enter.)
(A pack of ostriches come around the house towards them.)
J.D.: OK. Just back away slowly.
(An ostrich kicks the gate shut, trapping Turk and J.D. in the yard.)
J.D.: Oh no, Turk. They're organized!
(Another ostrich makes a noise resembling the Velociraptor screech from Jurassic Park.)
(End flashback. Dr. Kelso's stomach growls.)
Dr. Cox: Good lord, Bobbo, was that your stomach?
J.D.'s Narration: And there it was. Hope. Dr. Kelso's inability to deal with hunger was legendary. We were as good as home.
Dr. Kelso: I've heard enough. Let's call it and go to lunch.
(Turk, J.D., Elliot, Carla and Dr. Kelso start to get up. Dr. Cox covers his mic.)
Dr. Cox: Uh, just hold on! That is not the way it works, Bobbo. This is important, dammit. You sit back down and get on with it.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, I'm in charge here.
Dr. Cox: Ted, give him your sandwich.
Ted: I suppose I could spare a small corner.
(Dr. Kelso takes the sandwich out of Ted's hands.)
Dr. Kelso: All right, everyone just stay where you are and we will be back in um, two minutes.
J.D.'s Narration: One sandwich later we got back into it.
Dr. Kelso: [mouth full] And then what happened, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: Well, sir, fortunately for us ostriches are flightless birds.
(Continue flashback. J.D. and Turk are in a tree. An ostrich passes by and growls.)
J.D.: There goes the sentry. Every three minutes, like clockwork.
Turk: Dude, can I admit something to you? I kind of missed not getting my hug today.
J.D.: Here comes your vanilla bear!
Turk: J.D., J.D., uh, J.D.!
(J.D. slips and falls out of the tree.)
Turk: Oh! Dude, don't sweat it. It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.
J.D.: Oh, thank God.
Turk: It also says their kick can kill a man.
J.D.: What?! I'm coming back up!
(An ostrich peers around the tree over J.D.'s shoulder and hisses.)
(Cut to Mr. Sutton's living room. Mr. Sutton is on the couch watching TV. J.D. crashes through the window.)
(J.D. stands. His scrubs are dirty, torn and bloody.)
J.D.: Mr. Sutton, I hope this isn't a bad time.
Dr. Kelso: Who cares about Mr. Sutton? So, Dr. Reid, you were covering Mr. Foster.
Elliot: Uh, actually, sir, I was on my way to cover Mr. Foster, but then I stopped in Mrs. Wilk's room, and...
(Continue flashback. Elliot is in Mrs. Wilk's room. She sees the man's wife outside the door and dives out of sight.)
Keith: What are you doing?
Elliot: Don't look at me! Keith, do you see the woman standing outside?
(Keith spots an elderly lady.)
Keith: Yeah, I see her.
Elliot: I made out with her husband this morning!
Keith: That's disgusting.
Elliot: OK, Keith, just get out of here and go do PFT's on Mr. Foster.
Mrs. Wilk: Dr. Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.
Elliot: If we all win this lottery, then I am using that money to find a decent man.
(Cut to Elliot's fantasy. Her wedding day. She opens her groom's shirt to reveal circuit boards and pushes a button.)
Priest: You may kiss the bride.
(Elliot and the groom kiss.)
Elliot: Mmm. Mmhmm. Whoa, save it for tonight, big guy.
(She taps the groom's waist area with a metallic sound. The groom stomps on a towel.)
Groom: [robotic voice] Mazel Tov.
(End fantasy. Cut back to Mrs. Wilk's room.)
Elliot: Ugh, why did I make him Jewish? My parents will kill me.
(Cut to Mr. Sutton's house.)
J.D.: Why ostriches?
Mr. Sutton: They're such majestic creatures, don't you think? And, you know, they're kind of like my children. Plus, I make belts out of their necks.
J.D.: OK look, Mr. Sutton, I'm sure you're wondering why...
(Turk crashes through the window and lands in a heap.)
Mr. Sutton: There *is* a door.
J.D.: You OK? Did you try and escape?
Turk: I did escape. There was one waiting in the car.
Mr. Sutton: That's Leon. Loves car rides. Likes to stick his head out the window and I tell him it's a little too dangerous, but he doesn't listen to me.
J.D.: Mr. Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me.
Mr. Sutton: Why would I thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbageman. How many times a day do you think I get thanked?
Mr. Sutton: You're off by about six.
Mr. Sutton: I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you.
Turk: Stupid bird stole my hat.
J.D.: I just don't see why it's such a big deal for you to say, "hey, doc..." Why did he just walk away like that?
(Leon enters wearing Turk's red hat.)
Turk: Don't move.
J.D.: I do admit, he looks pretty phat in your Kango.
(Cut to Nurses' Station)
Carla: Hey, everybody, they're about to pick the lottery numbers. And remember that when we win, we win as a family.
Janitor: I set aside twenty tickets just for you and I to split.
Keith: Nurse Espinosa. Mr. Foster's cough is getting worse and Dr. Dorian's gone. Dr. Reid's covering, but she's sort of indisposed.
Carla: Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire. Call Dr. Turk, he's the surgeon on call. [to Dr. Cox] You're missing out. I bet there's plenty of things you could do with a hundred million dollars.
(Cut to Dr. Cox's fantasy. Dr. Cox is in his apartment watching sports. Jordan is in a glass box with a hammer on the side labeled "IN CASE OF SEX EMERGENCY")
Dr. Cox: Aw, come on, you gotta make that shot.
Jordan: Let me out of here! I will kill you!
Dr. Cox: I'm watching the game.
(Dr. Cox returns his attention to the TV until Jordan knocks on the glass and starts unbuttoning her shirt.)
Jordan: Sweetie, you wanna get naughty? Ooh..
(She licks the glass and rubs her chest against it.)
Jordan: Oh, yeah.
(Dr. Cox picks up the hammer, ready to break the glass, but is distracted by the TV.)
Jordan: Come on, do it. Do it.
Dr. Cox: Ah, I can wait another day. Button up and watch the game.
Dr. Cox: I gotta call my glass guy.
(Cut to hallway. The wife changes the patient assignment board from "Dr. Reid" to "Dr. Whore".)
Elliot: Mrs. Brown, I want you to know how sorry I am for kissing your husband, but we are two women who have both been wronged and both been lied to and the healthiest thing for us to do right now is just to walk away from each other with our dignity intact. Don't you agree?
Mrs. Brown: Do you know what I do with whores? I punch them in the face.
Elliot: Bring it, bitch.
(Cut to hospital exterior. Elliot is duct taped to the wall, missing her shoes and has a speech bubble taped next to her reading "HI! I'M A WHORE!")
(Cut to sidewalk. J.D. is sitting next to some trashcans.)
Turk: Dude, are you really gonna sit here all day just to thank your garbageman?
J.D.: Yes! Jabbar'e has been added to the hug schedule. You want to wait with me?
Turk: I can't, I was supposed to be on call five minutes ago.
J.D.'s Narration: This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end...
(Cut to auditorium.)
J.D.: ...whether you're a doctor or a garbageman...
Dr. Kelso: [interrupting] Dorian. What are you doing?
J.D.: Sorry, sir, uh, um, sometimes I like to just sum things up.
Dr. Kelso: Well, allow me to do that for you. In the end, when Mr. Foster started coughing up blood...
(Cut to Turk, stuck in traffic.)
Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...the on-call surgeon was stuck in traffic...
(Cut to doctor's lounge. The nurses are watching the lottery drawing.)
Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...the nursing staff was busy losing the lottery...
(Cut to J.D. hugging the garbageman.)
Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...his original doctor was thanking a garbageman...
(Cut to Elliot, still taped to the wall.)
Dr. Kelso's Voiceover: ...and the covering physician was incapacitated.
(Cut to Mr. Foster's room. Keith and other interns are attempting to resuscitate Mr. Foster.)
Dr. Kelso: And what was Mr. Foster doing? He was dying in the hands of the interns.
(Cut back to auditorium.)
Dr. Kelso: How did I do, Dr. Dorian?
(Carla, Turk, J.D., and Elliot sit in ashamed silence. Doug enters.)
Doug: Sorry I'm late. I got the keys to my Miata stuck in the cadaver.
Dr. Cox: Cut to the chase there, Pee Pants.
Doug: Uh, Mr. Foster's death was the result of a pulmonary embolism, probably caused by the 21 hour flight he was on from India. But Dr. Flannery, the radiologist should have caught it on the scan.
(Doug hands the lab results to Dr. Kelso, who examines them.)
Dr. Kelso: Working from an inaccurate report, there was nothing any of you could have done to prevent Mr. Foster from passing. Which, I guess, leads us to you, Dr. Flannery.
(Zoom in on a surprised Dr. Flannery, sitting in the audience.)
J.D.'s Narration: After a day like today, there's only one thing you could do.
(Cut to the bar. Carla, J.D., Elliot and Turk sit at a table and raise their mugs in a toast.)
J.D.: To bad radiologists!
(Dr. Cox enters.)
Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get in on this. Let's also have a toast to Mr. Foster's widow and his fatherless kids.
(Dr. Cox raises his bottle and drinks.)
Elliot: Dr. Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Because you were lucky. You know as well as I do that it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again. Have a uh, have a swell party.
(Dr. Cox exits.)
J.D.'s Narration: It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up. Especially when you know it's true.
(Cut to ICU.)
J.D.'s Narration: And when that happens, you can't shrug it off. Because the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.
(J.D., Elliot, Carla and Turk go about their jobs in the ICU, with a ghost of Mr. Foster following each of them.)