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My Best Laid Plans transcript

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The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Best Laid Plans".

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[Kylie's Apartment]

J.D.: *Kylie and I still haven't slept together, but I had a feeling her four week booty embargo was about to end.*

Kylie: I have a surprise for you tonight.

J.D.: *God, I hope it's sex. Or a pony. I'll bet it's sex because I don't see a pony.*

Kylie: Wait right here. [She goes to the table to pick up a license plate that says "JD MD"] It's for your scooter-- What are you doing? [J.D. has stripped down to his boxers and is lying on the couch]

J.D.: Nothing. I was just going to do a little laundry. I assume your facilities are in-building?

Kylie: Why is it always about sex with you?

J.D.: It's not! Look. Kylie. I'm just really proud of my abs. [He takes a look at his stomach and reconsiders] Or... ab.

[J.D. and Turk's Apartment]

J.D.: *Turk and Carla were having some relationship trouble of their own. But at least they were working on it.*

Turk: Baby, I don't understand why we can't discuss this after The A-Team.

Carla: Turk, a lot of married couples hit roadblocks their first year, but nothing's going to get resolved if we don't get our issues out in the open.

Turk: Okay. Let's do this.

Carla: Okay. What's bother-- [J.D. walks in]

Turk: Hey hey! There he is! My buddy hit it and quit it, didn't he?

J.D.: *Hell no.* Hell yes! Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my nightly ritual. *Pleasure myself, weep and repeat.*

Carla: See Turk? This is our problem. We're trying to have a serious conversation here, but you're more concerned about how your OTHER wife is doing!

Turk: Okay, you know what bothers me? Every little thing with you becomes a big issue. You make mountains out of molehills!

Carla: When have I ever made a mountain out of a molehill?

[Flashback]

Carla: Turk! If you can't remember to put the cap on the toothpaste how are we going to raise our children? You know what? I'm going to stay with my sister.

[End Flashback]

Carla: I guess I could work on it a little.

[Hospital]

Elliot: Okay. The patient is in shock so the first thing we want to try to do is assess intervascular volume. [Dr. Cox makes a buzzer sound behind her] What, that's right.

Dr. Cox: I know. I wasn't [buzz]-ing you to indicate an incorrect answer. I was [buzz]-ing you because I was bored and I just thought that might drive you crazy.

Elliot: Ah, you're a wonderful teacher! Now stop [buzz]-ing me in front of my residents. It's unprofessional.

Dr. Cox: You're right Barbie. Carry on.

Elliot: Ahem. So, when you're dealing with cardiogenic shock, [She turns around to make sure Dr. Cox isn't going to chime in; he shakes his head no] it's best to start fluid resusita--

Dr. Cox: BONG! [The residents start laughing]

Elliot: Let's keep moving. [Dr. Cox walks away and encounters the Janitor]

Janitor: You know, I don't really appreciate you messing with my lady.

Dr. Cox: Your lady.

Janitor: Blonde Doctor and I are going to end up together. I'm talking the whole shebang. House in the 'burbs, Volvo in the driveway, dogfighting ring in the basement.

Dr. Cox: I guess it wouldn't be the first time the janitor got the girl. Oh, wait a minute... Yes it would.

Janitor: You want to place a wager?

Dr. Cox: I do. But here I really have no need for a cracked thermos and two pounds of keys.

Janitor: How about my van for your Porsche?

Dr. Cox: I suppose when I win I could destroy your vehicle and make you watch, couldn't I? Bet.

Janitor: Bet. [Dr. Cox walks away as Turk and J.D. walk in]

Turk: Alright. Give me all the details on Kylie.

J.D.: Dude it was so naughty. We're kissing, right, and she's like "I think it's a little hot in here" and starts pulling down her skirt. *Oh my God, I'm getting turned on by my own fake story!* [Turk's beeper goes off]

Turk: Damn you, ruptured spleen! To be continued!

J.D.: *Thank God Turk left because I can't think about sex anymore. Luckily for me, there isn't a whole lot of temptation in a hospital.* [He looks down the hall and sees Molly in her underwear]

Molly: Howdy, stranger. Do you still want me?

J.D.: Yes please. [He runs forward to kiss her, but ends up putting his arms around air; the real Molly comes up behind him]

Molly: Hey stranger. [J.D. screams and falls onto a passing doctor] Ouch!

[Theme]

J.D.: *So Molly's back in town. She definitely wants me.*

Molly: [On the phone] Bye. [To J.D.] How you doing, J.J.?

J.D.: That's J.D.

Molly: Oh, right. I was just thinking of that Jimmy Walker sitcom.

J.D.: Good Times?

Molly: Not great, my sister had a miscarriage.

Elliot: Molly? Oh my God! You look fantastic!

Molly: So do you!

Elliot: How's Milwaukee?

Molly: It's okay. I'm just here to see a patient.

J.D.: *Even though she did the fake forget-my-name thing, she's here for me. I think we all know there's no patient.*

Patient: They've landed. Grab some blankets and all the canned goods you can carry. We're moving to the sewers.

Molly: Apparently he's gotten really possessive of me. He won't talk to the new staff psychiatrist.

J.D.: Molly, I'm sure he's not that possessive. [He pats her on the arm]

Patient: Get away from my doctor! [He tackles J.D.]

J.D.: Get him off! Get him off!

Molly: Patrick, down.

[Doctor's Lounge]

Turk: [On his cell phone, laughing] It is so good to laugh like this with you again.

Dr. Cox: I'm on a break here, Newbie. Just tell your shiny headed roommate if he doesn't shut up his first surgery tomorrow will be removing that cell phone from his own ass.

J.D.: Would you give him a break? He's talking to his wife.

Carla: [Walking in from the hall] Has anybody seen Mr. Jennings' file? Oh, here it is. [She leaves]

Dr. Cox: This just got interesting.

J.D.: Who are you talking to?

Turk: Rosanna.

J.D.: Your college girlfriend?

Turk: Yeah.

J.D.: Can I say hi?

Turk: Yeah.

J.D.: Hey Rosanna. [As she's saying hi back, he takes the phone and throws it on the ground]

Turk: Dude, what the hell!

Rosanna: [While J.D. is stomping on the phone] Hello? Hello? J.D.?

J.D.: This phone is indestructible! If it has a camera, I'm so getting one.

Rosanna: [As J.D. is throwing the phone out of the window] Is anybody there?

Turk: Dude!!!

J.D.: Why are you talking to your college girlfriend?

Turk: We're just friends!

Kelso: Ahhh, just friends... I was just friends once with a Vietnamese girl. Long story short, I'm on the hook for sending Trong Tree Kelso to college and he doesn't want to go to a state school.

Cox: Unlike you, Bobbo, Gandhi here is in a healthy relationship. I mean, come on, lookit. Even Jordan lets me keep in touch with women from my past. Give me a pound, my dawg.

Turk: He gets me.

J.D.: Give me a pound, dawg.

Kelso: Does he know you were being sarcastic?

Cox: I hope not.

Kelso: Splendid.

[Cafeteria]

Janitor: Gentlemen. Crazy-Eyes Margo. I've called the Brain Trust together for one reason. I have to find a way to make Blonde Doctor mine.

Randall: Burn down her apartment.

Troy: I have an idea. But we're going to need a tugboat.

Janitor: Tugboats and arson, that's all I ever get from you guys. We call this a Brain Trust. And I'm the one with all the solutions. I saved you from that eagle, Randall. I saved your job, Troy. And Margo, I found your birth mother! She was a tree person, remember? No, there's no shame in that. I'm sorry, guys, but I've had enough. I'm afraid I have to find a new Brain Trust. [He gets up and sits down with Doug, Todd, and Ted] Gentlemen. I don't want to appear selfish, but stop what you're doing and focus on me.

[Hallway]

Molly: So, you seeing anyone?

Elliot: I went on a few dates with a guy named Rick, but then he met my mom and it all fell apart.

Molly: She didn't like him?

Elliot: No, she loved him. They're in Aruba.

J.D.: God, I'd love to get with Molly.

Turk: Dude, you're pretty horny for a guy who claims to be getting it on a nightly basis.

J.D.: What are you implying?

Turk: Let's just say a little birdie told me that you and Kylie haven't slept together.

J.D.: Who?

Turk: Nurse Birdie.

Nurse Birdie: Well, you haven't.

J.D.: I trusted you!

Turk: Dude, it's been a month.

J.D.: Oh really Turk? Has it been a month? Because time just flies when you're dry humping your way through three pairs of cords.

Turk: Look. Kylie hasn't slept with you so what she's saying is that she doesn't want to be exclusive. Is she dating?

J.D.: She did go to a movie with her brother-in-law.

Turk: That's perfect. Dude, you can have your cake and eat it too. It's like me talking with my old girlfriend. It boosts my self esteem and I take all of this positive energy back to Carla. Now this is what you do: you go out with Molly and have a great time while she's in town. But once she leaves, you go to Kylie and you tell her you want to get your exclusive on.

J.D.: That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

[Cafeteria]

Todd: So once you've got the hole at the bottom of the popcorn box, it's basically just a waiting game.

Doug: And for the record, that technique does not work with hot nachos.

Ted: You want to get Elliot, get in good with her best friend.

Janitor: Who's Elliot? [Ted gestures over to the other table] Oooh.

Ted: Trust me. The way I got my girlfriend in junior high was by getting her best friend to like me.

Janitor: And how'd you do that?

Ted: I posed as her dad so she could rent a car. I lost my hair in eighth grade.

Todd: Tough break five.

Janitor: I'm going in. [He walks over to Molly] Um. We should be friends.

Molly: Okay.

Janitor: Do you like vanning?

Molly: I don't know what that is.

Janitor: It's kind of my thing. It's like taking a long drive in a car, only uh... it's in a van.

Molly: I'm still not getting it.

Janitor: Could you hang on for one sec? [He turns to his new Brain Trust] She's an idiot.

[Nurse's Station]

Carla: Turk. I found your cell phone in the parking lot.

J.D.: Four stories and not a scratch. What are you made of?

Carla: You got three missed phone calls. All from a Rosanna. Isn't that your ex-girlfriend?

[Another Nurse's Station]

Elliot: So, what's been going on with you?

Molly: I went to India for two weeks.

Kelso: Ladies, this is a hospital, not the junior league. Let's break it up. And Dr. Clock, I feel as though I've been seeing less and less of you recently. We don't pay you good money to go hide in your office. Let's get out there on the floor.

Molly: I moved to Milwaukee four months ago.

Kelso: Welcome back.

Elliot: So this trip to India sounds so exotic.

[Hallway]

J.D.: Hey, Kylie. I was calling to see how your day was going. [He passes Elliot and Molly and overhears part of their conversation]

Molly: ...this ninety degree cave and sweat would just be dripping off our naked bodies.

J.D.: Naked sweat drips...

Kylie: What?

J.D.: Um, nothing, Kylie. It's a new band called the Naked Sweat Drips. They have a great song called Perfect Breasts...

Molly: ...And then I got so flexible I could put my legs behind my head.

Kylie: J.D., are you there?

Molly: You should come. [Elliot's beeper goes off]

Elliot: Oh, frick on a stick. I gotta go. I want to hear the rest of the story, don't forget where you were.

J.D.: Feet up behind her head.

Kylie: Who has their feet behind their head?

J.D.: A patient, Kylie. Horrible car accident. You gotta wear your seatbelt, I'm telling you. Even around the block.

Molly: Hey. I'm getting out of here. Do you want to grab a beer?

J.D.: *They say the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.*

[Nurse's Station]

Carla: I can't believe you've been talking to her.

Turk: Now honey, is it possible you're making mountains out of molehills?

Carla: Dammit!

J.D.: *Still, sometimes, plans go exactly like they're supposed to.*

[Another Nurse's Station]

Elliot: You paged me?

Janitor: Yeah, look. I made a bet with Dr. Cox that you would go out with me. And if I win, I get his Porsche.

J.D.: *And the success of those plans can take even the most hardened men by surprise.*

Elliot: [She jumps into the Janitor's arms when she sees Dr. Cox approaching] Do you mind? I'm trying to have a private moment with my man. [For added effect, she gives him a kiss on the cheek]

Cox: Oh God...

Elliot: I got lipstick on you.

Janitor: No. Leave it.

[Back to J.D.]

J.D.: *And sometimes, even the best of men can go awry.*

Kylie: So, are you coming over tonight?

Carla: Hey J.D.

Turk: Buddy, you should try that cake I was telling you about!

J.D.: Actually, Kylie. I... I can't tonight.

[Elevator]

J.D.: *If having my cake and eating it too meant being with Molly, then nothing was going to get between us.*

Elliot: [From outside the elevator] Hey guys, you going out?

J.D.: Yeah! You should come with us! [He starts hitting the 'Close' button]

Molly: That's the 'Close' button.

J.D.: Oh no, it's the 'Close' button. When somebody gets close it activates a sensor that opens the door.

Molly: Fancy.

J.D.: *Oh no! She's got a pinky hold! Elliot's got the pinky strength of a rock climbing jazz pianist.*

Elliot: [She opens the elevator door with her pinky] You're pressing the wrong button. [She walks in and knocks J.D. to the ground with her pinky and then turns her attention to Molly] I'm so excited! So where are we going?

J.D.: [Shouting] We haven't decided yet!

[Parking Lot]

Cox: I gotta tell you there, Supercuts. I've seen a lot of crazy things at this hospital. I've seen smokers live to be a hundred, and I've seen triathletes come in here and drop dead at twenty. I've seen unbridled joy, and I've seen debilitating pain. But I never thought I'd see a jumpsuit wearing, van driving, vomit cleaning, no good confounded Frankenstein looking baffoon like you get a girl like Barbie.

Janitor: I'm going to paint your Porsche mint green so it looks like my van's baby.

[Nurse's Station]

Kelso: Trong Tree, [He continues in Vietnamese; the caption reads 'Not until you get your grades up!]

Carla: Whoa! Rosanna gets her own personal ringtone but I don't?

Turk: Baby, I don't have to answer this.

Carla: It's cool. I got the ring that matters, right?

Kelso: Nurse Turkleton, I want to talk to you about these discharge-- [Carla knocks the papers out of his hand] We can talk later.

Elliot: You need to come get a drink.

Carla: Yes I do.

Elliot: Janitor! So, did Dr. Cox pay up?

Janitor: No! No! He says that he needs to see us on an actual date. In a restaurant tonight at 8.

Elliot: Okay, meet me at Stanwick's?

Janitor: Sure.

[Parking Lot]

Janitor: Sorry guys, I can't go clubbing tonight. Daddy's got a date.

Ted: Aw man! I ironed my going out hair!

[Bar]

Molly: You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.

Elliot: They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.

J.D.: *Some guy... I never get credit for anything!*

Carla: So you guys think I'm overreacting about this whole Turk thing?

Elliot: Phone calls from an ex would drive me nuts!

J.D.: *I knew how to get rid of both of them, but I can't do that to Turk.* [He hears a disembodied voice from his crotch]

Mr. Peeps: If you don't do it, I will.

J.D.: *Mr. Peeps? Why are you British?*

Mr. Peeps: I'll explain later. Just lose the extra bitches.

J.D.: Carla, go talk to Turk. Share with him your feelings. That's what he wants.

Carla: Yeah?

Elliot: Come on. I'll drive you. I gotta go to dinner anyway.

Mr. Peeps: You're welcome.

Molly: We should probably go too. It's getting late.

J.D.: Oh, no no no. I just ordered two drinks. [Two gigantic drinks come] Here they are.

[Hospital]

Carla: Hey Turk.

Turk: [On the phone] I promise, I will visit you soon.

Carla: [She takes the phone and hangs it up] I don't care if I seem crazy. Please stop talking to your ex.

Turk: Anything for you. You know that.

[Stanwick's]

Elliot: College was weird. I was so worried about being liked that I let my freshman roommate think we were dating for three months. We broke up at a sorority formal. Ah, nobody could snuggle like Daisy. [She looks at her watch] Didn't you say Dr. Cox was coming at 8?

Janitor: Oh, I'm sure he'll be here soon. [He gives the thumbs up to his Brain Trust at another table] I kissed a dude once. It was at furnace camp.

[Bar]

J.D.: *Okay J.D., you're a little drunk. And you know what happens when you get drunk. You get handsy. Now control yourself.*

Molly: It's tough making new friends in Milwaukee.

J.D.: [He's feeling up his own chest] *I said control yourself!* You know Molly, if people aren't getting to know you they're missing out.

Molly: You think so?

J.D.: I do. *I knew at that moment what would happen if I reached over and brushed the hair out of her eyes.* [Sequence: J.D. and Molly begin kissing and make their way back to J.D.'s apartment and start undressing] *But I didn't do that.* I should get going. I'm sorry. [He leaves Molly at the bar]

[Lobby]

Cox: [He sees Elliot walking in with the Janitor; they're laughing] Well, if it isn't marginally attractive and the beast. How did the Porsche drive?

Elliot: Wait, why did we just go out if you already have his car?

Cox: Oh, my goodness. He actually tricked you into a date. This is so very delicious and filling I don't think I'm going to be able to eat the rest of the evening. In fact, I honestly don't think I can have one more bite of your painful humiliation. I find I'm just a little stuffed. Will take my keys to go, though. [The Janitor tosses them over] Yippee!

Elliot: You're unbelievable.

Janitor: You're the only one around here that treats me like a real person.

Elliot: What did you just say?

Janitor: There was one other girl, a few years ago... Red Haired Doctor. She used to eat lunch with me. Until the other residents started making fun of her. They called her Janitor Lunch Eater. Not the most clever group. Anyway, I know that you don't think about me the way that I think about you. And I never really believed that you would or that you could, but just pretending for today somehow made me feel good... for a change. I'm sorry.

Elliot: You know what, it's okay. I actually had a good time.

Janitor: Thanks. [She walks away] Elliot.

[Kylie's Apartment]

J.D.: Oh, Kylie. I'm sorry. I hope it's okay that I stopped by. [She kisses him] What was that for?

Kylie: I was thinking about how patient you've been with me. How right things feel. And then you showed up and it feels like fate.

J.D.: Wait, are you saying that you're ready? [She nods and he strips down in record time] Awesome.

Kylie: [She starts lighting candles] First, let me set the mood.

J.D.: And Kylie, you're right. It is fate. Because I was out with this girl tonight that I totally could have had sex with, but it was easy for me to blow her off because I was excited to be with you. [She's stopped smiling] Why have you stopped lighting incense? It makes the room smell like Chinese rain.

Kylie: You blew me off tonight to be with some random girl?

J.D.: Well, she's not a random girl. I mean, I had a crush on her long before I met you.

Mr. Peeps: I will kill you!

Kylie: You should go.

J.D.: *I was in trouble. And if I didn't play my cards right, I knew what could happen.* [Sequence: J.D. and Kylie start fighting; J.D. puts his clothes back on and Kylie kicks him out; he returns to his apartment, making several phone calls; he finally gives up and sits down on his bed]

  • Unfortunately, that's what did happen.*

[Parking Lot]

J.D.: *See, that's the thing about trying to have your cake and eating it too. If you make the slightest mistake, you usually wind up getting neither.* [Dr. Cox automates the Janitor's van to drive into the wall of the hospital]

Ted: We can fix that. [The van explodes]

Janitor: [To Ted, Doug, and Todd] You guys are out. [To Troy and Randall] You guys are back in. Where's Margo?

Randall: She's at a Ludacris concert with her birth mom.

Janitor: I lose my van to him, and I lose Margo to gangsta rap. Bad day.

[J.D. and Turk's Apartment]

J.D.: *And really, who wants to risk something important, just for a silly piece of cake?*

Turk: I did it! Cut off all ties with Rosanna. Forever.

Carla: Baby, that took like twenty seconds. How did you do that so quickly?

Turk: It was easy. I just told her I was married.

Carla: You've been talking to this girl you used to sleep with, and you never told her you were married?

Turk: She never asked?

Carla: It's no big deal. Because if you're lucky, maybe you won't be married for much longer.

Turk: Baby. Baby!

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