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APARTMENT -- EARLY MORNING J.D. is asleep on the couch.
J.D.'s Narration: In the last three days, I convinced Elliot to dump her boyfriend and be with me, then told her I didn't love her. Still, we're good friends, so if I give her some space, eventually everything will be fine.
The camera pulls back to reveal the couch he's sleeping on is not in _his_ apartment.
J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately, since Turk's whole family's in town for his wedding, I'm staying in her apartment.
Elliot walks up behind the sofa.
Elliot: We have to go.
She throws J.D. off.
J.D.: Oogh. Agh!
He lands on the floor with a thud.
J.D.: [out of view] My lips are bleeding! Can you hand me a tissue?
She throws a box of tissues at him.
Meanwhile... TURK AND J.D.'S APARTMENT Turk has dressed Rowdy up in a little tuxedo, and is showing him off to Carla's brother, Marco, and sisters, Maria and Gabriella.
Turk: Hey, so what do you guys think? Extra groomsman?
Marco: Sangano. Subtitle: Jackass.
Turk: Don't worry, Rowdy. I'm marrying their sister.
He opens up the bathroom door.
Turk: Hey! Baby! Check this out! You ain't gonna believe what I did with Rowdy!
He sticks Rowdy in the door, and he's grabbed, the door quickly slamming shut again.
Carla: [from inside] Turk! You're not allowed to see me on our wedding day, you idiot!
Turk: [to the family] She's mulling it over.
Marco: Oh, my God. I just figured it out. This is one of those reality shows where our sister tries to convince us that she's gonna marry some obnoxious--agh!
Turk's mom has grabbed Marco by the ear.
Mrs. Turk: We haven't really had a chance to talk yet. I'm Mama Turk.
Marco: [in pain] Oh, hey. How ya doing?
Mrs. Turk: Mm.
Turk: Damn, that looks painful.
Marco: Agh! Agh!
Meanwhile... BATHROOM Carla is looking at herself in the mirror.
Carla: [calling outside] Hey! I really want you guys to get along today!
Meanwhile... APARTMENT J.D. and Elliot come in.
Elliot: I hope you die.
Carla: [from bathroom] Elliot!
Elliot: [calling to her] ...After the wedding.
Carla: [from bathroom] Thank you!
Gabriella: Elliot. Help me wax my brow.
She holds out an application stick dripping with wax. Elliot takes it.
Meanwhile... BATHROOM Carla faces the mirror.
Carla: "I do." And then it's classy kiss....
She closes her eyes and smooches the air.
Carla: Or sexy kiss....
She closes her eyes and smooches a little longer.
Carla: Or slutty kiss....
She closes her eyes and wiggles her tongue all around.
Meanwhile... APARTMENT Elliot is applying wax to Carla's sister's brow as J.D. watches.
J.D.: That looks like fun. Can I help?
Elliot: [bitchy] Uh, help this.
J.D.: Elliot, maybe you should pay attention to what you're doing.
Elliot: Oh, really?
She rips the wax off, along with the sister's _entire_ eyebrow.
Elliot: Uhmm.... How--how thin did you want those?
Gabriella grabs a hand mirror to see. She freaks. Maria laughs. J.D. stares in horror.
J.D.: Turk and I have to go.
J.D.'s Narration: See, Turk and I had made a pact.
Cut to... HOSPITAL PARKING LOT J.D. sets up a tennis ball on an inverted paper cup.
J.D.'s Narration: The day that one of us got married, we'd play a last round of tennis-ball golf in the parking lot as single best friends.
J.D. swings, sending the ball flying through the lot.
J.D.: Look out, Tiger!
Turk: That'll play.
J.D.: Hell yeah.
J.D. sticks his club in the bag Turk is holding in front of him. He's holding it like that because...
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, yeah, and the guy getting married has to caddie for the other guy naked.
A discharged patient with a cast on his leg rolls his wheelchair to his car, and catches sight of Turk.
He bashes into his car, gasping in agony.
Turk &: Ohhh.... J.D.
J.D.: He'll be fine.
They walk along to find the ball.
J.D.: I can't believe you're actually gettin' married.
Turk: Me neither, buddy.
J.D.: Hey, where's the fuzzy cover for my one-wood?
Turk: It's on my nine-wood.
J.D. looks down.
J.D.: Aw, dude! My mom made that!
He puts his arm around Turk's shoulder.
J.D.: Still, I'm happy for you, man.
Turk: Yeah, me too.
HOSPITAL -- NURSES' STATION Elliot, casually dressed, is sitting on the desk, feeling her face.
Elliot: Oh, great. I think I'm getting a pimple.
She hops down off the desk and approaches Carla and her sisters who are nearby.
Elliot: [pointing] Is this noticeable?
The sister with one eyebrow gives her a dirty look.
Elliot: I'll ask someone else.
J.D. and Turk approach.
J.D.: Hide the bride! I found him!
Elliot and Carla's sisters shuffle around Carla to shield her from Turk's view.
Carla: Turk, we're heading over to St. John's.
J.D.: Thought you guys were getting married at Holy Trinity?
Carla: St. John's is cheaper.
Turk: Oh, plus the priest there looks like Captain Sulu.
Carla: No, that's the priest at Trinity.
Turk: Oh, baby, I wanted to be married by Sulu!
Carla: Turk, are you coming over with us now or not?
Turk: If I work this shift, I can finagle two extra days on the honeymoon.
J.D.: Ooh, nice use of "finagle."
Turk: Oh, thanks.
Turk: Look, I get outta here at 4, ceremony doesn't start until 5. Worst case scenario, I'm a _little_ late for the wedding.
Carla: [whispering to the girls] Do it!
Elliot kicks Turk, causing him to leap back in pain.
Turk: Oh! Whoa!
J.D.: [quiet] Dude, you're dealing with a nervous bride, a woman I scorned, and two sisters with three eyebrows.
Turk: See you at 5!
CHURCH -- BRIDAL DRESSING ROOM Carla comes in and hangs her dress, followed by Elliot.
Carla: Hey, Elliot, how are you doing with this whole J.D. thing?
Elliot stops, full of emotion.
Elliot: I can't believe that on this day you would actually worry about how I'm doing. Carla, you're such an amazing friend.
Carla: Don't do this, Elliot. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional until after we took the pictures.
Elliot: [choking back tears] I just love you so much.
Carla: [beginning to cry] I love you too!
Sobbing, they hug.
Elliot: [crying] Even though I ripped off your sister's eyebrow?
Carla: [crying] That's okay.... You know, this morning she actually said she was gonna look better than me!?
Elliot: [crying] Not anymore!
They stand there holding each other and sobbing, and suddenly the view changes to that of a video camera. Elliot takes notice.
Elliot: Car-Carla, there is a man filming us.
The break their hug.
Carla: Oh, he's just doing our wedding video. [waving] Hi, Anthony.
We see a hand wave.
Anthony: What's up, babe.
Elliot turns back to Carla.
Elliot: Oh, my God! You're actually getting married in a few hours! I mean, everything's gonna be all different. Carla, you never have to have sex again except for when you actually want to.
Carla: I know!!!
They laugh excitedly and then remember Anthony and the video camera.
Carla: Erase that last part.
Meanwhile... HOSPITAL -- PATIENT'S ROOM Dr. Miller and Turk are in with their patient, Mr. Fitzpatrick.
Dr. Miller: So, are you ready for your appendectomy?
Mr. Fitzpatrick: Hey, what do you do with an appendix after you've removed it?
Turk: We make finger puppets.
Dr. Miller: Ha! Don't mind Dr. Turk, here. He's just overly excited because he's getting married this afternoon. I, on the other hand, am the only person in the hospital not to be invited.
She leaves. Turk follows along behind.
Continue to... I.C.U. -- MAIN AREA Turk catches up with Dr. Miller.
Turk: Dr. Miller, look, it's a really small wedding, and you're an amazing boss, and I feel really bad about it, so...there's a wedding brunch tomorrow, and it's only for family and really close friends, and...well, we'd love for you to be there.
Dr. Miller: [touched] That would mean the world to me!
Turk: Okay, I didn't think you were gonna say yes. There's no brunch.
She rolls her eyes and pushes past.
Turk: That's gonna cost me.
Meanwhile... DR. COX'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM Jordan's in bed reading a magazine as Perry comes in.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, get outta bed. We got a wedding to go to.
Jordan: Perry.... Jack is at my mom's, the apartment is empty.... It's just you and me.... Let's take a nap! We'll sleep through the ceremony, and then go to the reception.
Dr. Cox: Can we at least have sex?
Jordan: Do what you have to. [puts on a sleep mask] Don't wake me.
She rolls over.
CHURCH Ted and his Band, The Worthless Peons, are providing the music while the guests are ushered to their seats.
Band: [singing] "(Bum-bum-bum) Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava na--"
J.D.: Ted! Church!
Ted: We do mostly Bar Mitzvahs.
Marco comes in.
Marco: Hey, J.Z.
Marco: For some reason, this woman wants you to usher her.
Danni comes in.
J.D.: Danni, what are you doing here?
Danni: We RSVP'd when we were still dating.
J.D.: You can't just crash my best friend's wedding!
Danni: I'll go halvsies on the gift.
J.D.: Right this way, please.
He gives her his arm and they walk down the aisle.
J.D.: "Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava nagila..."
Todd approaches Marco.
Todd: Dude, that pick-up line you gave me for all the Spanish chicks is not working.
Marco: Maybe you're saying it wrong. Let's hear it.
Todd: Yo tengo herpes genital...para ti. [clicks teeth, winks, points] Subtitle: I have genital herpes...for you.
Marco: Nope. That's right. Keep trying.
He pats Todd on the back and leaves.
Todd: [practicing] Mucho herpes! ...Grande! Oh, yeah! Subtitle: Many herpes! ...Big!!
Meanwhile... WEDDING VIDEO Doug is sitting next to the extremely tall Chet, whose face is out of frame.
Doug: I'll have to agree with Chet. Turk, Carla, you guys are awesome! This is...an awesome wedding, and I'm having an awesome time, and you two are gonna have an awesome life!
Danni takes an empty space next to him.
Doug: [to camera] Awesome!
Danni: Hold my gum?
She takes the gum out of her mouth and sets it on Doug's open palm. He regards it like a holy relic.
Meanwhile... O.R. Turk and Dr. Miller perform surgery on Mr. Fitzpatrick.
Turk: Gimme that appendix! Let's close this guy up, and I'm outta here!
Dr. Miller: Wait. Look at his lesions on his peritoneum.
Turk: Oh, no.
Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk...what do you think we should do?
Turk: Leave a post-it in there for the next guy?
Dr. Miller: Try again.
Turk: Perform an exploratory laparotomy. I NEED A PHONE!
CHURCH The Priest goes up to the altar and addresses the guests.
Priest: Everybody! We're gonna get started soon, so if everyone could please turn off your cell phones?
The entire church is abuzz with beeping as all the cell phones are turned off. Except for one, which rings. Todd, one of the groomsmen up at the altar, answers.
Todd: [into phone] Go for the Todd. ... Turk, Turk, Turk, Turk. I can't talk right now! I'm at your wedding.
J.D. grabs at the phone.
J.D.: Todd! Gimme that!
He rushes off.
Continue to... BRIDAL DRESSING ROOM Elliot and Carla giggle over their conversation as J.D. enters with the phone.
J.D.: Carla, it's Turk.
She takes the phone.
Carla: [into phone] Hello?
She moves off to talk, leaving J.D. in Elliot's icy presence. She begins flipping through a magazine.
J.D.: Where're the other bridesmaids?
Elliot: They're out buying an eyebrow.
J.D.: Well, that's gonna be tough on a Saturday, with Eyebrows Eyebrows Eyebrows being closed. They're gonna have to go all the way across town to the Eyebrow Hut.
Shakes her head at him humorlessly.
J.D.: Look, Elliot, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.
Elliot: Go back three days and keep me from throwing away my life for you.
She lifts the magazine to close off their eye contact.
J.D.'s Narration: In that second, I knew how to make things right if I just had the time.
Carla: [in to phone] What do you mean you're gonna be late?
He rushes out.
Carla: What did you say?
J.D.: Nothing, girl!
Carla: [into phone] What?
WEDDING VIDEO The camera focuses on Dr. Kelso, who is seated next to a busty young woman -- obviously not his wife. He takes a long look at the woman's assets before he's addressed by the videographer.
Anthony: [behind camera] Wedding wishes?
Dr. Kelso: Oh, hey, kids....
In the pew behind him, Danni lays a big kiss on Doug.
Dr. Kelso: I just wanna wish you two all the luck in the world because, you see, the key to marriage is...work.
Carla dashes up the aisle, only partially ready, giant rollers in her hair. Everyone stands as Ted and his Band quickly launch into their a cappella version of The Wedding March.
Carla: Ted! Do I look ready?
Carla finally reaches the altar and turns to her guests.
Carla: Everybody, sit down! Cover your eyes!
Everyone does so.
Carla: Um, Turk, uh, got held up in surgery, but if you just hold on for a few minutes, everything will be perfect. 'Kay. Don't look! I'll be back in a minute!
She rushes back down the aisle. Marco watches after her from the altar.
Marco: I knew that jackass would screw this up!
Todd: Did you just dis my friend, Turk?
Marco: What are you gonna do about it, meathead?
Todd: My friend, I am about to make you look very silly!
He whips off his jacket, revealing a sleeveless dress shirt underneath. He puts up his dukes and gives his bicep a kiss in preparation of knocking Marco senseless. Oh, too late. Marco gives him a solid push and he tumbles off the altar, attracting everyone's attention.
Nurse Roberts: Things are starting to heat up.
STREET -- SIDEWALK J.D. strides along, approaching an apartment building. Passing a bum, he pulls out a buck and drops it in the guy's cup.
J.D.: There you go.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I wonder how Sean took it when Elliot dumped him?
He scans the buzzer panel, then turns to the bum.
J.D.: You wouldn't happen to know if Sean Kelly lives here, would you?
The bum looks up -- it's Sean, all shaggy-haired and bearded.
Sean: Hey, J.D. Thanks for the buck.
DR. COX'S APARTMENT -- BEDROOM Dr. Cox, now in his suit, impatiently sits on the bed next to the sleeping Jordan. He roughly bounces her until she stirs. She whips off her sleep mask.
Dr. Cox: [gentle] Oh, hey, honey. Are you waking up?
Jordan: Why are you in such a hurry?
Dr. Cox: [laughs] I'm not in any kind a hurry!
She pulls back the covers to get up and dress, only to find out she's already got her clothes on.
Jordan: Did you dress me?
Dr. Cox: Fine. Carla scares me, okay? She may be small, but she has very powerful legs.
Jordan: Listen, princess, when we get to the reception, you will just say what a beautiful ceremony it was, and it will be peachy. Trust me! We're not missing anything!
Meanwhile... WEDDING VIDEO The camera focuses on Danni, who's got Ted bent back in a huge kiss.
Anthony: Hey, babe. Got any wedding wishes?
She releases Ted and turns to the camera to deliver her wishes, never taking notice of what goes on behind her....
Danni: Hi, Carla! Hi, Turk! This is the greatest wedding ever!--
Danni: --I'm having so much fun. And there are a lot of really cute boys here!--
Doug: [confronting Ted] Hey, what are you doing? She's with me!
Danni: --I mean, I'm just having so much fun. These guys, they kiss really, really good. And I like everyone's clothes and, like, what they're wearing.--
Doug starts beating Ted, and the Band joins in the fray.
Danni: --And I know that _____, you know, things didn't really work out and _____ but, you know, we're still kinda friends.
Suddenly, all attention is on Carla who, with Elliot's help in holding up her dress, is stalking down the aisle. Doug, all bloody nosed, and The Band leap to their feet and quickly sing The Wedding March again.
Carla: Ted! I will kill you!
Ted: Won't happen again.
Elliot: You know the drill, people!
Everyone sits down and covers their eyes. Carla approaches the priest at the altar.
Priest: Look, Miss Espinosa, unfortunately there's another wedding scheduled--
Carla: Don't go there, Padre. He'll be here.
She dials the cell phone she has with her.
Meanwhile... O.R. Turk and Dr. Miller are performing the required additional procedure as his phone rings.
Dr. Miller: Go. I can finish from here.
Turk: Thank you.
He rushes out.
BAR J.D. and Sean are at the bar having a drink.
J.D.: So, Sean.... You look...woolly.
Sean: Since Elliot left me, my life's fallen apart.
J.D.: It's been four days, Sean. Which, by the way, makes the beard all the more impressive.
Sean: I'm a quarter Hungarian.
Sean: What do you want, J.D.?
J.D.: I didn't steal Elliot from you, man! She just panicked 'cause you guys were moving in together!
Sean: I don't know, J.D....
J.D.: Sean, if you have any guts at all, you will show up at this wedding, take her into your...hairy arms, and tell her you want her back!
He starts to get up.
J.D.: You should...probably shower first.
He heads out, leaving Sean to consider his advice.
CHURCH -- BRIDAL DRESSING ROOM Carla is trying to keep the priest hooked.
Carla: I can't believe he's not here yet!
J.D. hurriedly enters.
J.D.: Don't worry! I made it!
Carla: I don't care about you, you idiot!
J.D.: [to the priest] They had premarital sex.
Priest: Miss Espinosa, if your fiancé is not here in the next thirty seconds, I'm gonna have to pull the plug.
Carla dials the phone again, leaving J.D. and the priest to make small talk.
J.D.: Do you ever miss the ladies?
Priest: A little.
J.D.: I would, too.
Meanwhile... CHURCH PARKING LOT Turk's car screams into a spot, demolishing a couple of traffic cones. He leaps out, his phone at his ear.
Carla: [from phone] Are you close yet?
Turk: Yeah, I'm here! Start it up, and I'll meet you at the altar!
Cut to... CHURCH Carla, all dressed now, stands at the back, waiting for her guests to take notice.
Carla: It's for real this time, people!
Ted and the Band launch into The Wedding March yet again, and everyone stands to watch Carla glide up the aisle.
Meanwhile... Turk races in and up the aisle to his bride.
The woman who turns around unfortunately is not Carla. He spins around to notice that none of the gathered guests are anyone he knows, and even the church looks different from the one where Carla is waiting.
The Holy Trinity priest approaches Turk.
Priest: Can I help you, young man?
Turk: Mr. Sulu?
Priest: No, son.
Turk's phone rings, and he answers.
Turk: [into phone] Hey. Baby, look, I got mixed up. Is there still time if I race over there?
Meanwhile... ST. JOHN'S CHURCH Carla sits alone at the altar in the empty church.
Carla: [into phone] No.
She drops the phone to her lap.
BANQUET HALL Carla is alone at her table, looking incredibly depressed. Turk approaches.
Turk: Hey, baby! How's the party?
She looks at him.
Turk: I'll just stand here and be quiet for a little while.
Meanwhile, Dr. Kelso approaches the bar.
Dr. Kelso: Just a club soda, please. I'm driving.
Bartender: It's an open bar, cutie.
Dr. Kelso: Give me a bucket of scotch.
He stops J.D., handing him his keys.
Dr. Kelso: Sport, take these and keep moving.
J.D. takes the keys with a shrug and scans the room, spotting Elliot by herself, leaning against the wall.
J.D.'s Thoughts: There she is! Do something charming.
J.D.: Elliot, check it out. Kelso gave me his car keys.
He tosses the keys at her, hitting her in the face.
Elliot: Ow! What are you doing?!
J.D.: I'm--I'm just trying to think of ways to make things right!
Elliot: Well, you can cross off keys in the face! Honestly, J.D., there's nothing you can do.
Sean, shaved, trimmed, and nicely dressed, appears from around the corner.
Sean: Hey, Elliot.
J.D.: [singing angelically] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
They shoot him a look.
J.D.: I'm sorry, I get excited.
Meanwhile, Turk has finally taken a seat next to Carla at their table.
Turk: What do you mean, disaster? Honey, this is an amazing wedding! And I know what you're gonna say -- we didn't actually get married. But you know what? Tonight, you and I, we're gonna rip it up. And then we're gonna hop on a plane to the Bahamas, where you and I can get married tomorrow amongst the fishes and mermaids and whatnot.
Carla: Turk, for the last time, mermaids aren't real!
Turk: I know what I saw!
He glances over the at the stage, where their band is sitting around.
Turk: Why isn't the band playing?
The passing Nurse Roberts stops at their table.
Nurse Roberts: In a word? Shrimps. Nasty, one-day-old shrimp. The band got into 'em while we was waiting at the church for your sorry ass. [to Carla] Girl, you are wearing that dress.
She continues on.
Carla: [laughing miserably] No music. I swear, Turk, I am this close to losing it!
Dr. Cox and Jordan approach the table.
Dr. Cox: Carla?
Jordan: [encouraging him] It's okay.
Dr. Cox: I-I just wanted to say that that was one of the most beautiful ceremonies that I've ever seen.
Carla stares at him with an intensity that could burn a hole right through him.
Turk: [rubbing face] Oh, boy.
Carla: You think that's funny? Why would you wanna hurt me?
She gets up and swats Cox on her way out.
Carla: Shame on you!
Jordan: [to Turk] So, open bar?
Jordan escapes to the bar, leaving Cox to dispense some advice to Turk.
Dr. Cox: Psst! Get out while you can!
Turk: [miserable] I'm happy.
Meanwhile, J.D. is watching Sean and Elliot from a few feet away. Jordan passes him on her way to the bar.
Jordan: Happy wedding, nerd.
J.D.: Keep walking, dragon.
Sean glances over and J.D. ducks back behind a partition. When he slinks back out to watch, he's suddenly got the Janitor towering over him.
Janitor: How's it goin'?
J.D.: You wore your janitor uniform to a wedding?
Janitor: No, I wasn't invited to the wedding. I just work here on weekends.
J.D. notices the woman behind the Janitor.
J.D.: Who's that?
Janitor: My date.
The woman is seen shoving silverware into her purse.
Janitor: [hissing] Forks! Frannie! Forks! Forks!
J.D.: Are forks where the big money is?
Janitor: Forks and ladles.
Meanwhile, Sean and Elliot have an uncomfortable conversation.
Sean: So, what have you been up to?
Elliot: Doctor stuff. Heh. You?
Sean: Oh, I--I was crying a lot. And then I got really emotionally numb. Um, oh, and this morning, I jammed a salad fork two inches into my thigh to see if I could still feel the pain.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Sean: Elliot, do you wanna get out of here?
Elliot: Sean, look, I don't know what J.D. told you, but...if we're gonna give this another try, you need to know that I didn't end things with you because I was freaking out about us living together. I did it because...J.D. and I have this history and...I actually thought he might be the one. But I just ended up getting my heart broken.
Sean: Sucks, doesn't it?
Meanwhile... BANQUET HALL EXTERIOR Carla is sitting on a bench by herself. Dr. Cox sticks his head out the door.
Dr. Cox: Carla?
He comes out and sits next to her.
Dr. Cox: I apologize. I am a horse's ass.
Carla: It's not you. It's everything! Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairy-tale idea of the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married! Pff!
Dr. Cox: Come on, marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.
Jordan sticks her head out the door.
Jordan: Uh, Perr, is making out with a stranger cheating?
Dr. Cox: Technically not if it's under ten seconds, dear.
Jordan: Ah, not worth it.
She goes back in. Carla miserably plops her head on Cox's shoulder, and he puts his arm around her.
Dr. Cox: Look, you and Turk were meant to be together. It's fate and you know it.
Carla: Thank you.
He gives her a little kiss on the nose.
Meanwhile... BANQUET HALL The Janitor straightens his tie, origin unknown, and takes an unattended suit jacket from the back of a chair. J.D. is in Carla's seat next to Turk. He lines up a couple shots, and they down them.
Turk &: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! J.D.
Turk: I shouldn't be drinking.
J.D.: I know. I know.
He sets up a couple more shots, and they down those.
Turk &: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! J.D.
Turk: Okay, Carla's dying, it's rally time. We have no band, we have no DJ. You're my best man -- brainstorm.
J.D.: Remember that after-party we had in college, when the stereo went out and I ended up hooking up with that grad student from Brazil?
J.D.: That was awesome.
Turk: Woo hoo, you made out with a little person.
J.D.: I thought she was kneeling.
J.D. calls over to Ted and his band.
J.D.: Ted! Can you play a little music for us, buddy?
Ted: It's gonna cost you double what you paid us for the church.
Turk pulls out a bill and hands it to Ted.
Turk: Here's twenty.
Ted takes it and pulls out a few bills of his own, handing them back.
Ted: Aaaand, here's four back. So, mind if we start with some TuPac?
J.D.: Kick it.
Ted: All riiiight!
Meanwhile, Sean and Elliot are finishing a kiss.
Sean: So, uh...so call me if you ever wanna get drunk and have sex.
Elliot: Bye, Sean.
He turns to go, and is approached by Danni, who's visibly tipsy.
Danni: Can I have a ride home?
Sean: Uh, well...sure.
They turn to walk out, and she grabs his butt.
Sean: Oh! Okay!
J.D. approaches Elliot.
J.D.: You can't let him drive her home! She says "thank you" the naughty way!
Elliot: J.D.! It's not happening. Besides, if Sean and I are meant to be together, I never would have gone home with you that night and sabotaged everything that I had with him.
J.D.: You and I are gonna be okay, right?
Elliot: What do you think?
J.D.: Probably not.
She walks off.
J.D.: You let me know when we are.
Elliot: Don't hold your breath.
Meanwhile, a _very_ drunk Dr. Kelso downs yet another scotch and approaches Turk at his table.
Dr. Kelso: Ahhh! Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Carla returns, much to Dr. Kelso's drunken delight.
Dr. Kelso: And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [laughs and staggers back to the bar] Can I get a scotch?
Carla: Hey, baby.
Turk: I'm so sorry I messed everything up, baby.
Carla: Don't be. [holds out her hand] Let's dance.
He takes her hand and they move to the dance floor.
Turk: Set me up, Ted.
Ted grabs a bass guitar and approaches the microphone.
Ted: Um, hi. [feedback noise] We haven't used instruments in a long time, so bear with us if we're a little rusty.... One, two, three.
They effortlessly launch into The Beatles' "Eight Days A Week"
Carla and Turk dance a while, then call everyone out onto the floor.
Todd dances with the bridesmaids, Perry and Jordan happily dance together, Dr. Kelso dances with Nurse Roberts.... Later J.D. cuts in on Turk to dance with Carla, and Elliot shares a few moves with The Janitor.
Fade to... LATER Everyone gathers around Turk and Carla, throwing rice as they exit.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess, in the end, things seldom work out exactly the way you expect.
J.D. watches the happy couple leave and throws his handful of rice in the air, letting it rain back down on him.
Cut to... HOSPITAL -- HALL Carla and Turk, still in their wedding attire, rush through.
Carla: Turk, our plane leaves in an hour.
Turk: I know, I just gotta check on my patient, baby.
They enter... MR. FITZPATRICK'S ROOM
Turk: Hey. How's it going, Mr. Fitzpatrick?
Mr. Fitzpatrick: Actually, it's Father Fitzpatrick.
Carla: Could you do us a quick favor?
Meanwhile... BANQUET HALL The guests continue dancing.
J.D.'s Narration: Other times, well, you've kind of sealed your own fate.
J.D. comes around to start dancing alongside Elliot, but scurries away from her glare.
Meanwhile... FR. FITZPATRICK'S ROOM Carla and Turk stand at the foot of the priest's bed, exchanging their vows.
J.D.'s Narration: Either way, you have to trust that whatever's supposed to happen, will happen.
They kiss lovingly, express their quick thanks, and rush out to catch their plane.
Cut to... BANQUET HALL J.D. and The Janitor come face to face.
J.D.'s Narration: Besides, somehow you always seem to end up with the person you're meant to be with.
Janitor: One, two, three.
They lift the chair full of Dr. Kelso, who's passed out.
J.D.: Thanks for helping out.
They carry him along.
Janitor: I'm only going as far as the dumpster.
The song fades.