The following is a transcript of the Scrubs episode "My Bed Banter & Beyond".
Act[]
Open -- J.D.'s Bedroom "TODAY" An alarm clock, reading a little after 6:15, goes off. J.D., lying in bed, reaches over and shuts it off.
After lying there a moment, he turns in his bed. Elliot is there. Both stare at the ceiling uncomfortably.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, my God; you slept with your best friend! This will be a disaster unless you say the right thing, so choose your words carefully.
He turns to Elliot
J.D.: Great job last night, buddy.
She shoots him a dirty look, and he turns his attention back to the ceiling.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Ew.
- Fantasy Sequence: J.D. opens a small shelf in the headboard, revealing a dry-erase board that displays a count of "GIRLS I'VE SLEPT WITH". Elliot sits up and watches as he draws a fifth diagonal line through the four already marked.
J.D.: Good thing you came along. I've been stuck on four since med school.
Disgusted, she slaps him.
J.D.: OWWWWW!
- End of Sequence.
Cut to: The Living Room Elliot, now dressed, in a rush to gather her things, spills out the contents of her purse.
Elliot: [to self] Dammit.
She begins putting the items back into her bag, as J.D., also now dressed, creeps into the room.
Elliot: We--we really shouldn't feel weird about this. I mean, this--things like this happen all the time.
J.D.: [in a high pitch] All the time!
Elliot: Yeah, it's, uh, it's really not a big deal.
J.D.: [still high] It's not a big deal!
Elliot: Okay, you've gotta stop repeating everything I say in that weird tone of voice.
J.D.: [quieter, but still a little high] No more repeating....
Elliot walks towards him.
Elliot: Look, J.D., what happened last night was a wonderful mistake. I think it's probably best if we just go back to the way things were.
J.D.: I totally agree.
She smiles, and then they both laugh a little, relieved to have that uncomfortable feeling behind them.
Elliot: Well, I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
She goes to put on her jacket.
J.D.: [watching her] Tomorrow...
J.D.'s Thoughts: What are you doing? Elliot's amazing, and you're crazy about her. If you let her leave, I'm gonna do this all day: [singing Chumbawumba's "Tub-Thumping" -- with accent] "I get knocked down! But I get up again! You're never gonna keep me down! I get knocked down!--"
J.D. tries to shake the song from his head... but realizing it's no use, he runs after Elliot, who is now going out the door.
J.D.: Wait, Elliot.
She turns to look at him.
J.D.: [struggling] Look, I just, uh.... Argggh.... I...I....
Elliot: Oh, my God, just say it! Say, "Elliot, stay in bed and have sex with me all day until neither one of us can move."
J.D.: Yeah, let's do that.
At that, she drops her bag at her feet, and peels off her jacket.
Elliot: I cannot believe you almost let me leave.
As she walks towards J.D.'s bedroom, she pulls off her t-shirt.
Elliot: You're gonna pay for that.
J.D.: Oh, I'm--I'm good for that.
Following after her, he pulls his own t-shirt up over his head, but gets caught in it.
J.D.: Whoa.... I got...to, uh....
He trips and falls flat on the floor.
JD: [out of view] Ow!
Scene[]
OPENING THEME COMMERCIAL
Scene[]
J.D.'s Bedroom "STILL TODAY..." Various undergarments are strewn across the bed. J.D. and Elliot lie under the covers, cuddling and kissing.
J.D.: We are really good at having sex.
Elliot giggles.
J.D.: We should, like, take this show on the road.
Elliot: Oh, don't joke. My mom would come sit in the front row and tell me I'd look prettier if I smiled more.
J.D.: [laughing] You don't really smile, though, you just make this face...
He imitates her by lolling his head back, opening his mouth a bit, and rolling his eyes. She laughs and slaps his chest playfully.
Elliot: What about you? You just look surprised that you're actually having sex!
She imitates him by opening her mouth into an "O" and exaggeratedly widening her eyes.
J.D.: Well, I was, girl. I mean, four times? I mean, seriously, give it up.
He holds his hand up in a small "high five" position. She cuddles closer to him.
Elliot: I think I already did.
J.D.: Yeah, you did.
He runs his fingers through her hair and kisses her. She enjoys the kiss, but then starts laughing.
Elliot: God, how weird was that this morning? I mean, have you ever been more uncomfortable in your entire life?
- Fantasy/Flashback Sequence -- A living room decorated with old-fashioned, frilly nick-nacks.
A younger J.D. (with ugly bangs) sits on a couch with his grandmother, watching the television. He has a horrified/disgusted look on his face.
J.D.'s Grandmother: What movie are we watching?
J.D.: It's 'Basic Instinct', grandma.
- End of Fantasy/Flashback.
J.D.: ...Yeah, once. But see, all this sex, it just soothes my soul....
He seizes her in another kiss.
Elliot: Mmmm.
J.D.: ...And I really like your nose....
He kisses her nose.
Elliot: How did that last time even start?
J.D.: I don't even remember. I just know I went to the door, and when I came back, you said I looked sexy holding a pizza.
Elliot: Oooh, you did.
She kisses him, but then stops midway through.
Elliot: Okay, for safety reasons, I should go. I should really go.
They both sit up as she starts to get out of bed.
J.D.: No, no....
Elliot: Yep.
J.D.: You're not going anywhere; 'cause you know why? You gotta help me eat this pizza.
He pulls a cardboard delivery box onto the bed and opens it, revealing an entire cheese pizza.
Elliot: Okay.
They each pull a slice out and Elliot begins devouring hers. J.D. watches.
J.D.: See, now, you even look sexy holding that slice.
Elliot: [taking in the scene] ...I do, don't I?
J.D.: You do.
They toss their slices of pizza onto the floor and flop back onto the bed, kissing.
Scene[]
The Hospital Admissions Area -- The Front Door "THE NEXT DAY" J.D. and Elliot walk in together, laughing.
Elliot: [laughing] I was not, you were!
J.D.: Hey, baby, sometimes I like a little sugar in my coffee!
He leans over to kiss her, but she backs away.
Elliot: No, J.D. J.D., I just think it's best if we keep this between us for right now. I mean, it's hard enough at work without everybody talking.
J.D.: But it'll--it'll help people.
She furrows her brow.
J.D.: Like those two, for instance. I mean, they've been dancing around each other for months, now.
They look over at the Janitor vacuuming the carpet. Nurse Roberts approaches him, trying to pass. He teases her by pulling the machine out of her path and gestures for her to go through, but when she does he pushes the cleaner in her way once again.
Elliot laughs.
J.D.: And you know what, excuse me for not being afraid to show people around here how I feel about you.
Elliot: [laughs] You just want the guys to know you're getting some!
He scoffs at the suggestion, then:
J.D.: Not just the guys.
Dr. Cox enters the room with a short whistle.
J.D.: [covering] Good morning, Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox pulls out two charts and hands one each to J.D. and Elliot.
Dr. Cox: We are short staffed today because Kelso has volunteered all of you scut-monkeys for some psychologist's research project -- give me a break -- which means, of course, you won't be helping patients. Instead...oh, you'll be blabbering about your feelings and what it's like working in the hospital, and how that affects your personal lives...and: Wah. Wah. Wah.
Dr. Kelso walks up to the doctors.
Dr. Cox: And there he is now; oh, Big Bobbo, himself. Okay, [whistles] all nurses and interns, let's gather 'round and dance for the puppet master! Oh, yes! Dance!
He makes marionette motions with his hands. Dr. Kelso looks unamused.
Dr. Kelso: It's not just the nurses and interns....
Mid-dance, Dr. Cox stops, worried.
Dr. Cox: Don't be that guy, Bob.
Flash to: A Small Office Dr. Cox stands, facing the camera, as he talks to the unseen psychologist.
Dr. Cox: Well gosh, I guess I became a doctor because, ever since I was a little boy, I just wanted to help people. I don't...tell this story very often, but, I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest. And so, I picked him up, and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox, and--- [he begins laughing] Oh my God! [sighs to regain composure] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: Chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks who come sniffing around -- and don't ask me what tree they're barkin' up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissin' on mine. And as far as power goes, well, here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life. So, here's the inside scoop, there, pumpkin: Why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power.
Scene[]
A young female staffer is walking down the hallway. Todd, Turk, and J.D. watch her from near the Nurses' Station.
Todd: Check her out!
Turk: Dude, H.F.F.A.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Turk: "H.F.F.A"? "Hot From Far Away", but up close, she's nasty?
The guys laugh, and turn to see that Carla has been listening. She's not amused.
Turk: Baby, I am so sorry I made an incredibly insensitive statement about an ugly person.
Carla: I'm taking one of those quiet moments where I weigh your good qualities against your bad ones and decide if you're actually worth the trouble.
The guys nervously await Turk's fate.
Carla: You made it. But that was close.
Turk: [grinning] Thank you, baby!
Carla: [mimicking him] You're welcome!
She walks off.
Turk: [to J.D.] So, Elliot says she's looking for a surgical consult. Do you know where she is?
J.D.: [covering] I don't know. Why should I know? You know, it's funny that you think I would know -- I have no idea where she is.
Todd: I know where The Todd would like Elliot to be: In his pants!
J.D.: Ha! Clever! You know, she told me she's not going out with anyone, you should ask her out.
Turk: Whoa, Ell--- no, no. Elliot and The Todd? That's a terrible couple. That's--that's worse than Joanie and Chachi.
J.D.: Dude, Joanie loves Chachi.
Todd: The Todd is asking Elliot out. I think she'd be lucky to ride my---
J.D.: [turning away, disgusted] Please....
Todd: ...Motorcycle! [makes a motor noise] Gotcha!
He grips his imaginary handle bars and "rides" down the hall. On his way, he passes two surgical colleagues, and gives them each a painful high-five.
Turk: God bless him.
Flash to: The Psychologist's Office Turk sits in a chair facing the desk -- and the camera.
Turk: When I was seven years old, the only things that I loved were my ColecoVision and Sandi Lowe. Now, Sandi was as fine as a seven-year-old could be; I mean, she had the body of a nine-year-old. And I pretty much joined the t-ball team because she was on it. I mean, I didn't really care that much about sports. But, uh, during the first game, I got all caught up, you know? And...fell in love with competing; and so, through high school and college, I pretty much played everything, because I needed to compete -- it was my drug. I think that's why I became a surgeon, too, because, every day, you get to step up to the table and go one-on-one against what's-ever wrong with the patient. And if you're really good at it, you win most of the time.... I ran into Sandi Lowe last Christmas, and she didn't look so good. You know? And that was kinda awkward, 'cause, well, I look like this.
Scene[]
The Hallway Elliot is walking along, lost in her own a little world, a goofy smile on her face. Todd creeps up behind her. She senses his presence and turns around. When she does, Todd stops and looks in the other direction.
Elliot: Are you following me?
Todd: No! You wanna go out sometime?
Elliot: With you?
Todd: Me...and a bottle of Jagermeister!
Elliot looks repulsed.
Elliot: No. No, Todd, I don't. But I don't want you to think it's because I just broke up with someone, or that I'm a lesbian, or because I want to 'preserve our friendship.' It's because I find you so creepy I think you should have to walk around with a bell around your neck.
J.D. enters the hallway, and notices this exchange. He runs up to Elliot.
Todd: [to Elliot] All I heard was "lesbian."
J.D. takes Elliot by the hand and ushers her towards a supply closet.
J.D.: [to Todd] You know what, let me--let me talk to her for ya.
Todd: Okay.
J.D. gives Todd a wink and a thumb's up. Todd returns the gesture, and waits as J.D. and Elliot step into the closet.
Elliot: Why did he ask me out?
J.D. pulls her close to him.
J.D.: I don't know.... Because you're cute, and you're fun...and I told him to....
Elliot: What?
J.D.: Plus, there's rumors going around that you're a lesbian.
She drops from his embrace.
J.D.: Look, you told me not to tell anyone about us, and I guess maybe I just wanted to make a point. And, uh...now I'm gonna kiss you.
He does, and she sinks into it.
Outside the closet, Todd is pressing his ear against the door, trying to hear what J.D. is saying to "convince Elliot to date him." Nurse Roberts passes, clearing her throat.
Todd: Oh, no, it's cool. J.D.'s in the closet talking to a girl for me.
Nurse Roberts: [shaking her head] White boys.
She continues down the hall.
Todd: [smiling] You too!
The scene goes into montage mode. "Ever Fallen In Love?" by the Buzzcocks plays as J.D. and Elliot feverishly enjoy each other in the supply closet. Other scenes involve them sneaking kisses and gropes in other parts of the hospital, as well. Todd continues waiting and listening at the door. The scene ends with J.D. and Elliot experiencing a close call in the elevator; and Todd leaning impatiently on the closet door.
Flash to: The Psychologist's Office Carla is in the same seat Turk had occupied. She has a paper coffee cup in her hands. She, too, speaks directly to the camera.
Carla: When I was a little girl, my mom used to have what she liked to call "Episodes." [laughs at the memory] "Episodes" is a flattering term for this thing where she'd sweat a lot and...well, let's just say, her stomach talked. Anyway, this one time, we were at the supermarket and she actually passed out. And, out of nowhere, this fancy-looking guy comes forward and tells everyone to "step aside!" -- give my mother some air. And everyone did! You have to understand: in my family, nobody ever listens to a word anybody else says; even screaming at the top of our lungs -- nothing. So, when this man said "step aside" and everyone did, I asked my aunt, "Who is this guy?" And she said he was a doctor. And I thought, "Wow.... I wanna be a doctor, too." But, when I lost my first tooth, and nobody left a hundred-and-eighty-thousand dollars under my pillow, I decided to become a nurse.... We do all the real stuff, anyway.
She giggles.
Scene[]
J.D.'s Bedroom "BACK TO THAT FIRST DAY...4 PM" The sun no longer shines directly through the window, and a third of the pizza is gone. J.D. and Elliot lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. He wears a stupid grin, she, a somewhat troubled look.
J.D.: You okay?
Elliot: ...Yeah. I mean, I may, eventually, need a vagina transplant.
J.D. laughs.
- Fantasy Sequence -- the hospital.
Two emergency technicians rush through the doors of the ER, one with a small cooler in hand.
EMT: Go, go, go, go, go!
A close up of the cooler being rushed in shows it to have the words "Vagina Transplant" written on the side.
EMT: We don't have much time!!!
- End of sequence, J.D. sort of squirms at the thought.
Elliot: [uncomfortably] You know what, after I have sex five times with somebody, I...usually like to have the relationship talk.
J.D. exhales, almost painfully.
Elliot: I know, I know it seems rushed, but, you have to understand, five times usually takes me anywhere between six months and seven years.
He thinks a moment.
J.D.: Okay, let's do it; let's have the talk.
They shift to face each other.
Elliot: Okay. You my boyfriend?
J.D.: Yep. You my girlfriend?
Elliot: Yep!
J.D.: Cool.
She smiles.
J.D.: Good to talk things through. [he laughs awkwardly]
Elliot: [laughing] I love that little laugh!
J.D.: Well, from now on, that is your laugh.
He points to her, then brings his index finger to her lips. She kisses it.
Scene[]
The Hospital -- An ICU Cubicle "ONE WEEK LATER" Elliot, first seen via a close-up of her bottom, is tending to a patient as J.D. looks on. When she turns and notices him staring, J.D. quickly goes back to looking at the chart he's holding. He grins.
Elliot: [smiling] What?
J.D.: I've seen you naked, so, like, everything you're doing, I'm watching you do it...naked.
Elliot: Ohh.... So if I go like this:
She pirouettes, and ends with her arms raised above her head.
J.D.: [transfixed] Yeah, I just, I saw all of that.
Elliot, feigning bashfulness, clasps her hands over her breasts.
J.D.: Ohh, don't be shy; come here, baby.
Dr. Cox approaches. Just as Elliot (still holding her breasts) and J.D. lean in for a kiss, Dr. Cox comes into the cubicle, clapping.
Elliot drops her hands and the two separate, pretending to confer.
J.D.: ...See the echo report on the aorta...
Dr. Cox: [still clapping] Bravo; just a big bravo. [he crosses his arms and smiles] Heaven help me, I love Newbie Theatre. Honest, I do.
J.D. and Elliot look confused.
Dr. Cox: It's the way you both play your parts with such wonderful commitment that almost had me believing that you aren't having whiny, neurotic, extremely pale sex with each other.
J.D.: What are you talking about?
Dr. Cox: Please stop. The whole floor knows; we do. Watch this.
He turns toward the Nurses' Station.
Dr. Cox: Laverne, did you know?
Nurse Roberts: Was it supposed to be a secret?
Dr. Cox: And, Carla?
Carla: Please. I knew before they did.
Dr. Cox turns back to face the couple.
Dr. Cox: So, there it is. Oh, and, if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring.
He walks away, past the Janitor who is mopping the floor nearby. J.D. and Elliot look at each other, embarrassed.
Janitor: [pointing back at Dr. Cox] I like that guy.
Flash to: The Psychologist's Office Dr. Kelso is in the chair; like all the others, he faces the camera as he speaks.
Dr. Kelso: When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, not a doctor in sight. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load. [smiling] Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips.... [his smile withers] Jackass.
Scene[]
The Hospital Cafeteria J.D. and Elliot are sitting at a table, snuggled against each other.
J.D.: Now I get to do this in public...
They kiss.
There's an exaggerated throat clearing. The two part and look up to see Carla and Turk standing in front of them, trays of food in their hands, and disgusted looks on their faces.
Turk: [nauseated] This is a hospital, all right, people here are already sick.
Elliot: You guys do it all the time.
Carla: [to Turk] Tell me we don't look like that.
Turk: We don't look like that!
J.D.: Oh, please, you guys are just jealous 'cause you're not the new hot couple in town anymore.
Elliot smiles.
Turk: Jealous, my chocolate butt!
Turk and Carla sit at the table across from J.D. and Elliot.
Carla: I'm telling you, we are so damn hot; last night, when I was home waiting for Turk, I put on this tiny negligee -- it was so small, I took it off my Latin Barbie---
Turk: Yeah but, baby, when I got home you were sound asleep and drooling like a sheepdog.
Carla: You don't have to tell them that.
J.D. and Elliot laugh at them.
J.D.: Well, I tell you what, while you guys were sleeping, we were up in the kitchen, fryin' up some love!
He holds his hand up to Elliot, expecting a Todd-esque high-five. She looks at him, horrified. The scene freezes.
Flash to: The Psychologist's Office Dr. Cox stands, speaking.
Dr. Cox: Relationships. Well, Sigmund, relationships are so fragile, it just takes one thing, one...tiny little offense, and it can snowball on ya. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, God forbid, you better tuck and go, my friend.
The scene in the cafeteria resumes.
Elliot: Why did you just do that? I mean, how could you possibly think that's appropriate conversation for work?
J.D., baffled, attempts to explain himself. Elliot turns to face Carla and Turk.
Elliot: Uh, we didn't have sex.
J.D.: [to Turk and Carla] No.
Elliot stabs at her salad. Turk and Carla make a gesture of understanding.
J.D.: ...Especially not on the stove....
Elliot looks at him.
J.D.: What, I didn't....
Elliot: That is not funny.
J.D.: I'm sorry.
She goes back to her salad.
J.D.: [to Turk and Carla] We didn't.
He then makes silent gestures behind Elliot's back, clearly indicating, "Yeah, we did, like crazy!"
Carla and Turk stifle their giggles. Elliot turns to look at J.D., who straightens up.
Elliot: Oh, that's great. Thanks, um, thanks a lot, J.D. Really mature.
She gets up and leaves the table.
J.D.: Oh, come on. Elliot!
Scene[]
COMMERCIAL
Scene[]
J.D.'s Bedroom "THAT FIRST DAY AGAIN...9 PM" Only three slices of the pizza remain. J.D. and Elliot are turned to the foot of the bed. J.D. is resting his head in Elliot's arm, while she finishes off a slice of pizza.
Elliot: Oh, my God, I am so full.... Gimme another slice.
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah. Big one.
She tosses the crust of her current slice on to the floor.
J.D.: I cannot have anymore until I work off the last two slices.
He turns to hold her.
J.D.: So, what do you say: fat, gassy, bloaty sex?
Elliot: Okay.
They begin kissing, and he rolls above her.
Elliot: Oh, I'm gonna puke!
J.D.: I don't care.
She laughs, and they continue kissing.
Scene[]
The Hospital -- A Private Patient's Room "TWO WEEKS LATER" J.D. checks the temperature of a patient as Elliot stands at the end of the bed, writing in a chart.
J.D.: Okay, Mr. Lewis, I'm afraid we're gonna need another stool sample. Not for medical reasons...my robot needs food.
He laughs.
Elliot: Ohh.... that laugh.
J.D.: But it's your laugh -- I gave it to you.
Elliot: [sarcastic] Yeah, I love it so much, I can't stop using it.
She imitates his laugh, rolls her eyes, and goes back to her chart.
J.D.: Well, see, it's not as charming if you're mad.
Elliot: You know you only laugh at your own jokes? I mean, you never laugh at anything I do.
J.D.: That's not true.
- Flashback -- The Hospital
Dr. Cox is walking through the hall, tossing a football in the air. When Elliot, who sits on the counter of the nurses station as she talks to J.D., notices, she calls:
Elliot: Oh hey, Dr. Cox, I'm open! Hit me!
Dr. Cox launches a throw in her direction. She catches it, but, in the process, she falls off the counter with a shriek. J.D. laughs.
- End of Flashback, J.D. continues laughing at the memory.
Elliot: There was nothing funny about that.
J.D.: Oh, all right, maybe you just don't know funny. Okay; let me help you out: Silly hats are funny; ALF, very funny; anyone in a chicken suit.... Oh! Over-sized phones are funny.
Elliot: J.D....
J.D.: Hold on.
He holds an imaginary giant telephone receiver in his hands, switching between the ear piece and mouth piece.
J.D.: Hello? ... [listens] ... She's right here.
He holds the "receiver" out to her.
J.D.: It's for you.
Elliot: You know what, you're not as funny as you think you are.
She walks out.
Cut to: The Psychologist's Office Dr. Cox is now sitting in the chair as he talks.
Dr. Cox: ...And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more -- her or me? I used to sit around and wonder...why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were.
Scene[]
A Bowling Alley A ball rolls down the lane as Elliot nervously watches after it. It falls into the gutter. J.D., holding a clipboard and pen, watches.
Elliot: [disappointed] I suck at this. [to J.D.] Sorry.
J.D.: [trying to be helpful] You look great bent over!
Elliot: I'm not being obsessive, but I rolled that damn thing exactly the way the video I bought told me to.
J.D. grabs his ball and steps up to the lane.
J.D.: [patronizing] Probably just a bad ball.
Elliot: You don't always have to patronize me, I mean, you could just be honest with me and tell me that I suck.
J.D.: You know what, Elliot, it's hard to be honest with you when you're so neurotic, you don't even trust the computer to keep your score.
Elliot: Oh, so now I'm neurotic.
J.D.: I'm sorry!
Elliot: Is it always this hard?
J.D.: Bowling's a tricky sport.
Elliot: No, I meant---
J.D.: I know what you meant. It's difficult for everybody.
They are interrupted by the sound of pins crashing. In the next lane, Carla screams and jumps up and down excitedly. Turk joins her.
Turk: My baby got a strike!
Carla: I got a strike!
Elliot and J.D. watch them exuberantly celebrate. Turk now has Carla in his arms, and is bouncing her around, singing.
Carla: I got a strike!
Turk: [singing] My baby know how to knock 'em down! My baby know how to knock 'em down!
Turk twirls Carla around in celebration, and J.D. grasps Elliot's hand as they silently, sadly watch.
Carla: Turk! Turk! I'm dizzy!
Turk: Sorry.
Carla: [to Elliot and J.D.] I'm sorry about him.
Elliot smiles weakly.
Turk: My turn!
He grabs a ball, and with Carla still slung over his shoulder and squealing, rolls it.
J.D.: [to Elliot] Want me to pick you up...?
Elliot: [nodding, sadly] Mm-hmm.
Cut to: The Psychologist's Office Dr. Kelso continues his session.
Dr. Kelso: Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those little boards of things her friends are on.... You know, like, uh, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah-blah-blah. When I first met her, uh, she wanted the be a psychiatrist, but, uh...we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman -- no offense, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I [imitating his wife] "choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, now she's just a shell of a woman." [laughs] I think that's so cute; I call her "shelly"! [laughs more] You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries a little.
Scene[]
The Hospital -- The Nurses' Station Elliot stands before Dr. Cox, who is going over a chart. J.D. is nearby, surreptitiously listening.
Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell, Barbie? You should have gotten the cardiology fellow to give Mrs. Zuckerman a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago.
Elliot: Sir, I was waiting to see if---
Dr. Cox: Oh! You were waiting! I'm sorry, that's--that's my mistake.... Oh! I'm gonna wait with ya!
He laughs and jumps up onto the counter.
Elliot: Dr. Cox---
Dr. Cox: [shushes her] You gotta give it time; because you see, when you're waiting for someone to magically get better all by themselves, the whole thing becomes about time.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I was waiting to see if she would tolerate her low heart-rate, which is exactly what all the medical textbooks tell us to do. Am I right, J.D.?
Dr. Cox: [girlish voice] Is she right, J.D.?
J.D.: [nervous] Uhhhh.... Well, technically, yes.
Elliot smiles victoriously.
J.D.: But, you know, it's--it's really a judgment call, and if she really was that bradycardic, I probably would've called the fellow....
Elliot stares at him, a look of betrayal showing on her face. She walks away.
J.D.: [backpedaling] But I, that's--that's me. I....
Dr. Cox: Wow. Always side with the hoochie, Newbie. It's rookie mistake. Gosh, you--you hate to see it.
J.D. looks as though he's falling further and further into quicksand.
Cut to: The Psychologist's Office The screen is split, between Carla and Turk.
Carla: You want me to tell you about my boyfriend? (In unison) Turk: You want me to tell you about my girlfriend?
Turk: Okay, um.... I can be myself around Carla, you know?
Carla: Turk makes me feel completely safe, and totally independent at the same time.
Turk: ...And uh, it's--it's all the same, whether I'm with her, or with my boys.
Carla: I can say whatever's on my mind and even if he doesn't like it -- even if he doesn't understand it -- he respects it.
Turk: Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna give my boys a back rub; I mean, sure, if a brothah's got an itch, I'll scratch it, but...
Carla: He seems to like who I am.
Turk: She's a cool lady.
Carla: I love him. (In unison) Turk: I love her.
Scene[]
The Doctors' Lounge Elliot sits on a couch, reading a chart. J.D. pokes his head in. She looks up briefly and goes back to her reading. He comes in and sits on the coffee table in front of her.
J.D.: Hey.... I shoulda stood up for you with Dr. Cox.
Elliot: Yeah, you should've.
J.D.: I just--- I--I don't want him to think it's about our relationship.
Elliot: Look, I know that you want Dr. Cox to like you and to respect you, but you should want me to like and respect you, too.
J.D.: [making light] Well, if I didn't respect you, I wouldn't be having sex with you. [thinks a second] ...That's not true, I totally would be!
He laughs.
Elliot: Look, if you can't talk about this for real, then forget it.
She slams her chart closed and starts for the door.
J.D.: Ohh, a perfect dismount off her high horse.
Elliot: If you don't like something, why don't you just say it; I mean, why do you always have to hide behind your stupid little jokes!?
J.D. stands to face her.
J.D.: Why is it impossible for you to ever let anything go?
Elliot: Oh, I let tons of stuff go; like when you wouldn't stand up for me in front of Dr. Cox. Or when you started telling everyone we know that we're having sex.
J.D.: And when are you--when are you letting that stuff go?
Elliot: Fine. You wanna know why I won't let that go? Because the only reason that you wouldn't stand up for me is that you're so terrified that someone, somewhere, in this hospital won't like you.
J.D.: Oh, and that's a bad thing? That's a bad thing, Elliot? Why don't--why don't we get all of my friends together in a room and we'll fight your friend.
She looks cut, deep.
Elliot: I'm getting so tired of this.
J.D.: Look, Elliot, this is me, okay? And there's a lot of people here who like me for who I am. I thought you were one of 'em.
Elliot: I thought I was, too.
They stand, looking at each other. We hear Dr. Cox's voice before we see him, again, in the psychologist's office.
Dr. Cox: Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down.
He continues speaking as we watch Elliot and J.D., in the break room, silently facing each other.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ....One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky. One of them will say something.
After one last look, Elliot turns and walks out of the room. Dejected, J.D. sits down.
Cut to: The Psychologist's Office J.D. sits, facing the camera.
J.D.: Things that wouldn't'a bothered you a week ago in a friendship become so incredibly important when sex is involved. I just...I think it'd be easier if you weren't friends with your girlfriend.... At all.
Cut to: Elliot, taking her turn.
Elliot: I've always been so sure about everything in my life. I was--I was sure I that wanted to be a doctor, and I was sure that I was gonna be married by the time I was 25.... But, relationships.... I always heard that when they were right, they were easy. That--that, even when things got hard...that they were easy. I don't get that at all, you know. [she laughs] How is that possible?
Cut to: J.D. J.D.: Am I in a relationship now?
Back to: Elliot Elliot: ...No. Uh, I'm not in one now.
Back to: J.D. J.D.: [thinks a moment] ......No.
Scene[]
J.D.'s Bedroom "THAT DAMN FIRST DAY...11:59 PM" All that remains of the pizza is a crust and a half-eaten slice. J.D. and Elliot, both dressed and holding hands, walk into the living room, and towards the front door. He opens the door and leans against the frame. The two embrace and kiss.
J.D.: I can't believe today's over.
Elliot: I can't believe I ate half a pizza.
J.D.: Oh please, Elliot, I had, like, two pieces.
Elliot: If you tell anyone anything about today, please leave that part out.
J.D.: I will. 'Cause I'm a gentleman.
They laugh, and she kisses him again.
Elliot: So...
She drops her eyes, but he lifts her chin.
Elliot: ...Do you think this is gonna work out?
J.D.: [whispers] Yeah... I think it's gonna be great.
They kiss once more, and she starts out the door.
Elliot: [smiling] I believe you.
J.D.: [watching after her] I believe me, too.
He goes back into the apartment, and closes the door.
[]