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Open: M.R.I. Room
J.D. is standing over the machine, filled with anticipation.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, so you just asked out a girl who's stuck in an M.R.I. machine without ever seeing her face....
The tray of the machine begins sliding out.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Remember, no matter what she looks like, be sure to play it cool.
The young woman, Alex, is revealed, and she's gorgeous.
J.D.: Yes! YES! YES!!! You _are_ hot! Smokin' hot! In your face! WOO-HOO-HOOOOO!
J.D.'s Narration: That night, we went out on our first date....
J.D.'s Narration: Had our first dinner....
J.D. stares at Alex as she eats.
J.D.'s Narration: Rented our first movie....
J.D. stares at Alex as she watches the movie.
J.D.'s Narration: Took our first long drive....
J.D. stares at Alex while he's driving.
Alex: Look out!
J.D. turns his attention to the road and slams on the brakes. But not in time....
J.D.'s Narration: ...Killed our first raccoon.
A Photo Booth
J.D. and Alex are squeezed in, taking cute pictures together.
J.D.'s Narration: Ever since then, every date we've been on has always ended the same way.
J.D.'s pager goes off.
J.D.: Oh, it's Cox -- he wants me back at the hospital.
Alex: But the page is addressed to Lillian.
J.D.: Yeah, that's me.
J.D.'s Thoughts: What a drag....
He exits the booth.
Inside, the camera automatically keeps snapping -- it captures a pose of him sticking his head back in with a question.
J.D.'s Narration: That was probably the wrong time to ask for a quickie.
Alex is snapped rolling her eyes.
Dr. Cox stands amid a group of interns.
Dr. Cox: Here's the deal: I have been coerced by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning.
- Flashback: Dr. Kelso's Office
Dr. Kelso: Why do you have to do rounds? Because I'm sleeping. How's that?
Dr. Cox: So, in order to make this a more palatable experience for moi, I am not going to call you by your names -- instead, I'll be referring to you by whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me first. Okay...you, Chicken Beak [he addresses Dr. Simotas]: What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?
Dr. Simotas: Legionella.
Dr. Cox: Nice job! It turns out your mind's just as sharp as your nose. Whoo! And you, Dye Job:
Elliot looks startled.
Dr. Cox: What are the elements of Whipple's Triad?
Elliot: [struggling] Uhh....
J.D.'s Narration: It's hard to describe how scary it is when you don't know an answer at rounds.
- Fantasy Sequence: Elliot continues struggling to come up with an answer. She strains and strains...and finally a brick falls to the floor between her feet.
Elliot: I can't remember. I am so sorry.
Dr. Cox: Sorry? What in the hell are you sorry about?
Elliot: Well, it's just, Dr. Kelso always yells at us when we don't know the answer, and---
Dr. Cox: Oh, children, you can't let that bloated bag of hate affect you like that! And, besides, being a doctor is as much about finding the answers as it is about knowing them. For instance, take Clara Belle's patient, here, Mr. Yeager. Now, we have no idea what in the hell's wrong with him, so we have run tests for everything from Meningitis to Intracranial Mass. And according to these results -- [reading chart] oh! -- everything seems to have come back negative.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] Which doesn't necessarily mean that Clara Belle, here, is a failure -- it doesn't. It just means that she's got to keep trying, no matter how frustrated she just might get. Now, 'course, if you are lazy and incompetent, then, yes, that will buy you a one-way ticket out of here. Doug.
Doug whimpers at being singled out.
Dr. Cox: Uh-huh. Listen to me carefully: Kelso can't do a damn thing to you if you just answer a question wrong. It doesn't work that way. Moving on.
Everyone starts to move, including J.D., but Dr. Cox cuts him off by pressing the chart into his hands.
Dr. Cox: Not you -- you still have work to do.
Dr. Cox: Johnny No-Tan?
Doug: Yes, sir?
Dr. Cox: I'd like you to present the next patient to me.
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
Turk and Carla are enjoying a romantic evening together.
Turk: I love you.
Carla: Mmm. Now say it in Spanish.
Turk: Te amo.
She sighs with adoration.
Carla: Now...say it like Astro.
Turk: I ruv roo.
She giggles...and he joins in.
Carla: You are very, very cute.
Turk: Yeah, I know. You know, I've been thinking about this whole "I love you" thing?
Turk: It's gonna make everything so much better. I mean, we're so in sync. Better conversation...better dancing....
Carla: Ooh. And...?
Turk: Way better _________.
They laugh and she pulls him down on the couch.
Turk sits up.
She pulls him back down.
There are many flirtatious giggles as the romantic music swells.
The camera pans away....
The music halts, and the camera zips back to Turk and Carla sitting on the couch, half naked, with very sour expressions.
Turk: I am so sorry. That has never happened to me before.
Cafeteria -- Day
Alex is at a table, having breakfast. A few feet away, J.D. watches her.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Oh, man, she's beautiful. I wish I was that piece of bacon.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Wait a second. I _am_ that piece of bacon.
J.D.: That's right!
In all his staring, J.D. has failed to notice that he's standing right near the table where the Janitor is eating.
Janitor: You mind not staring at me while I'm eating? I hate it.
J.D.: But, I'm not, I was....
Janitor: What am I doing right now?
Janitor: What are you doing?
He picks up his glass of orange juice and pours it all over his plate of food. He stands.
Janitor: There. Now no one gets to eat it! Ya happy?
He storms off.
J.D.: Not really.
Alex: Hey, you!
He kisses her and sits down.
J.D.: You know what's great about you working in the hospital?
J.D.: Like, even when our dates get interrupted, we can just have a date here. Yeah, like, let's say for instance you wanted to watch a movie -- we could just go to the conference room and watch that video on S.T.D.s. It's funny, and it makes you think!
Alex: Look, maybe it would be good if we actually had a date that...ends.
J.D.: Well, how does a date with you end?
Alex: It can range from a kiss at the door to...all I have for breakfast is yogurt, and I'm out of bowls, so you'll have to eat off my stomach.
J.D.: [gulps] Tonight. Dinner. Hyde's.
Alex: [huskily] It's a date.
J.D. growls playfully.
Dr. Cox and J.D. are at the bedside of the troublesome patient, Mr. Yeager.
J.D.: So, judging from the ataxia dysarthia and the mental status change, I've concluded that Mr. Yeager is suffering from...Kuru.
Dr. Cox: Kuru?
Dr. Cox: Kuru.
J.D.: Yes, Kuru.
Dr. Cox: Wow. I'd actually never thought of that.
J.D.: Hell, yeah.
Dr. Cox: Were you aware that the only documented cases of Kuru were members of a cannibalistic tribe in eastern Papua New Guinea?
J.D.: I was not.
Mr. Yeager: Actually, Doc, I was in New Guinea just last week.
Mr. Yeager: No.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is?
J.D.: That patient just mocked me!
Dr. Cox: It's a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease when it's much more likely that the patient has a common illness presenting with uncommon symptoms. In other words, if you hear hoof-beats, you just go ahead and think horsies -- not zebras. Mm'kay, Mr. Silly Bear?
Carla is doing some computer work, muttering to herself in Spanish.
Elliot comes up to her.
Elliot: What's wrong?
Carla: It's personal.
Elliot: Why won't you ever open up to me? I came to you when I thought I had a broken tailbone and it was just a really bad pimple!
Carla: It's a sex thing, okay?
Elliot: You mean like a gender issue or like intercourse? Because I'm book-smart on both!
Carla looks at her briefly and goes back to her work.
Elliot: [whining] Carla! Use me.
J.D. is going over some medical books. Turk is with him.
Turk: So, last night, when I was with Carla....
J.D.: Dude, I'm sorry -- I can't talk right now. I really gotta figure this Mr. Yeager thing out.
Turk: Cool. Cool.
Turk: Let's just say my horse didn't finish the race. I mean, I'm at the filling station but my credit card gets declined. I'm on the jet ski---
J.D.: I got it!
Turk: Good, 'cause I had no idea what I was gonna say after that one.
J.D.: No, no, no. Mr. Yeager!
With his nose in his book, he stands and leaves.
Turk: Hey, man, where you go---? Who am I gonna talk to about sex!?
Todd pops in.
Todd: Let's get our talk on. Player to player.
Dr. Kelso stands amid the group of interns.
J.D.'s Narration: Afternoon rounds that day began like any other.
Dr. Kelso: This patient is hypoglycemic; what would be the most telling sign of an insulinoma, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: Uh, elevated fasting C-peptide levels.
Dr. Kelso: Score! But before you do your crazy end-zone dance, can you tell me the spinal fluid findings in Guillain-Barré Syndrome?
Elliot: Uhh, Xanthochromia?
Dr. Kelso: Wrong!
J.D.'s Narration: And then it happened: Suddenly, Dr. Kelso didn't seem as frightening.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, what do you have to say for yourself?
Elliot: [nonchalant] Win some, lose some.
J.D.'s Narration: In fact, nothing he did seemed to scare us.
- Fantasy Sequence:
Dr. Kelso gets in the face of one intern...
Dr. Kelso: Booga-booga-booga-booga!!!
J.D.'s Narration: Not anymore.
In the face of another intern, Dr. Kelso rings a large bell.
J.D.'s Narration: Not even the most horrible thing he could think of.
Dr. Kelso peels off his face to reveal himself as...Carrot Top.
Carrot Top: All right! Welcome to the I.C.U!
The group of interns just stand there.
Carrot Top: No, really, sit down. All right.
He pulls out a heavy book.
Carrot Top: Check it out, it's a cookbook for women who don't know how to cook -- I put the yellow pages in there. What do you want? Mexican? Italian? Japanese? American Cuisine?
The interns continue to stare.
Carrot Top: ....It's a cook---
He puts the book away.
Carrot Top: Whew! I'm flat-lining. Beeeeeeeeep!
He pounds his chest.
Carrot Top: Save him!
Carrot Top: [giving up] Tip your nurses!
Dr. Kelso stands, wholly bewildered by the fact that none of his tricks were working.
J.D.'s Narration: And I think he knew who was behind it.
Circus music accompanies the smiling face of Dr. Cox as he glides past the doorway of the unit in a wheel-chair, waving like a maniac.
Dr. Kelso: [to self] Cox....
Elliot is leaning on the counter as Carla tries to carry on with her work.
Elliot: [sing-song] Talk to me.... Talk to me....
Carla: You know, that's really getting annoying. In fact, every time you say it, it makes me not want to talk to you all the more.
She goes back to her work. And Elliot is silent for a moment.
Elliot: Talk to me....
Carla: All right! Fine! [collects her thoughts] Last night, Turk and I were...you know, messing around?
Cut to...Doctors' Lounge
Turk is talking to Todd, who listens intently.
Turk: ...It's really hot, like always.
Todd: Well, hot like how? Describe it.
Turk: Dude! So, suddenly, things aren't happening. Know what I mean?
Back to Carla and Elliot....
Carla: I don't understand it; the only thing that's changed is that we said "I love you" to each other.
Back to Turk and Todd....
Turk: Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
Todd: Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?
Back to Carla and Elliot....
Carla: It's three little words, it shouldn't have this effect, right? Anyway, I told him it wasn't his fault -- these things happen occasionally---
Elliot: Try "constantly"!
Carla looks at her.
Elliot: Um...well, I have cold hands....
Back to Turk and Todd....
Todd: So, when I saw you in the hall this morning, and I said, "How's your penis?" and you didn't want to talk about it....
Turk: Dude. It's not me.
Carla: It's _me_. Last night, for the first time ever in our relationship, no matter how long we tried, I was unable to have an....a....uh....
J.D. catches up to Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Dr. Cox. I got the sed-rate back on Mr. Yeager. Say how-do to that.
He hands him the chart.
Dr. Cox: All righty. But then I'm due back at the hootenanny.
J.D.: See, I noticed he had a rash on his legs, right? And then I realized he's been having jaw claudication, which led me to....
Dr. Cox: Temporal Arteritis. Of course it is. Nurse?
The passing nurse stops.
Dr. Cox: Will you start Mr. Yeager on high-dose Solumedrol and get the surgery resident -- he needs a temporal artery biopsy, stat.
The nurse leaves to carry out the order.
Dr. Cox: Now, Newbie, I'm relatively certain I can handle this. You're off anyway, aren't you?
J.D.: Yeah, whatever. I'm with you.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. Let's go treat the patient.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I am so on top of things tonight, it's scary.
Alex sits alone at a table. She checks her watch.
Cut back to...
J.D. follows Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Hell yeah.
Re-open: The Restaurant
J.D. enters. The place is practically deserted as the staff do their nightly clean-up.
J.D.'s Thoughts: You're only eighty minutes late. She'll still be here. Please be here!
He scans the place.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Come on, Alex, please be here. Please be here. Please---
No sign of Alex, but J.D.'s eyes fall on the Janitor, who sits with a plate of food at one of the tables.
Janitor: You gotta be kidding me!
He slams down his eating utensils and un-tucks the napkin from his collar, throwing it onto the table.
Janitor: There's a waste of a gift certificate! [to the staff] Cancel the cobbler!
Turk and Todd are continuing their sensitive discussion.
Turk: She's not having an orgasm.
Todd: Still not seeing what the problem is.
Carla and Elliot are continuing their talk.
Elliot: I, um...I've never even had an orgasm.
Elliot looks at her.
Carla: Oh! I'm sorry -- I should be more surprised.
Elliot: Yeah, that--that'd be nice.
I.C.U. -- Nurses' Station(?)
Dr. Kelso approaches Dr. Cox.
Dr. Kelso: I want to talk to you about rounds.
Dr. Cox: Well, here we go, Bobby. Bring it on.
Dr. Kelso: They're all yours. You will be leading them from now on.
Dr. Cox: You've stunned me, but you haven't dropped me to the mat. I'm kinda waiting for the roundhouse, here, the old hay-maker....
Dr. Kelso turns and walks out.
Dr. Cox: [continuing] ...when--when the yelling starts and the voice gets high-pi--- Daddy, I've been bad! Daddy, I've been a bad boy!
He spanks himself with his clipboard.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Daddy! [spank] Oh, Daddy! [spank] Daddy, I've been bad! [spank, spank, spank]
He gives himself one last weak spank as he watches Dr. Kelso sulk off.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on, if you're not gonna play there's no fun!
J.D.: Hey, uh, Alex, I am so sorry; but I went to the restaurant, I guess I just missed you. And then I-I called your house, but there was no answer. And then I actually stopped by your house, and I guess you didn't see me -- which was sort of odd, 'cause I was standing next to the pizza guy while you were paying him, but I, uh.... We're still...cool, right?
Alex: Look, J.D., um---
J.D.: "Look, J.D., we're still great," right?
Alex: I-I think you're a really good guy, okay, but....
J.D. is talking to Dr. Cox.
J.D.: Alex dumped me.
Dr. Cox: Aw, you mean the blind girl you've been dating?
J.D.: She's not blind.
Dr. Cox: Of course she's not. Okay, Newbie, how'd you drop the ball on this one? And don't tell me you cried, or I'm gonna have you banned from the men's room again.
J.D.: Well, I was just so excited about what we were doing here last night, I just forgot all about our date.
- Flashback: The previous night.
Dr. Cox: [voice over] You didn't forget. You kept looking at your watch. I saw you.
Indeed, as they were treating Mr. Yeager, J.D. did sneak glances at his watch.
Dr. Cox: I just naturally assumed that you were just afraid of missing 'Judging Amy' -- it never occurred to me that you were choosing work over being with that sweet little biscuit, you stupid piss-ant.
J.D.: Well, you know what? That--that means a lot coming from you, Mr. Right Here With Me Two Hours After His Shift, Also...And Last Monday Night, Too...Guy.
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: You heard me.
Dr. Cox: Newbie, what are you saying? That you want to be like me? Do you understand that...I just barely want to be like me?
He leaves J.D. to absorb that thought.
Elliot approaches Carla again.
Elliot: Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse....
Carla: I got one for you -- stop calling it that.
Elliot: My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.
Carla: That poor shrink.
Elliot: Yeah.... The one thing I do know is that I've sabotaged a lot of relationships by never talking things out with the guy that I'm seeing.
Carla takes this advice to heart.
She starts to depart.
Carla: So...you've _really_ never had....?
Carla: Not even by yourself?
Elliot: Gross! [she reconsiders] Uhh.... Is it easy?
Carla: When's your next laundry night?
Dr. Kelso approaches the Lawyer.
Dr. Kelso: Ted. I need you to take care of some lawyer crap for me, and it would be a great help if you would go to traffic court for me and make this go away.
Lawyer: I...don't think so.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Lawyer: No, Bob. I have my own things I need to take care of.
Dr. Kelso: Of course. Of course....
He walks away, muttering to himself.
Lawyer: Walk off, bitch.
Dr. Cox: How is it, exactly, that _you_ just said that and your pants are still dry?
Lawyer: Don't you understand what you did when you spoke to those interns? You took away the fear. You...are a wonderful person. And...I love you.
J.D.'s Thoughts: I have to ask Alex for another chance. I have to.
He spots her sitting at a table with a young man.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Okay, she's with a very hot guy. Stay calm, she's gonna be psyched to see you.
He approaches their table.
Alex: J.D. Hey.
J.D.'s Thoughts: Or not....
J.D.: You were right, I don't prioritize you over my job, but I'd like to. Look, Alex, I wanted to be a doctor for so long, I sort of forgot how to want anything else. And now I meet you and I--- Look, all I'm trying to say is, I'll do anything in the world if you give me a second chance.
Alex: I'm sorry.
J.D.: Okay. I'll leave you guys alone.
Turk and J.D.'s Apartment
Turk is on the couch, with a Breathe-Right strip on his nose. Nearby is Rowdy.
Turk: Okay, Rowdy.... Fetch!
He tosses a ball. Rowdy, of course, stands still.
Carla: Hey, Sweetie!
Carla: We have to talk.
Turk: No time for talk -- we have a specific problem, and we need to take care of it.
Carla: Why are you wearing one of those nose breathing thingies?
Turk: Baby, bear with me -- I got big ideas.
Carla: Look, I've been having all these thoughts going through my head, and I'm afraid that if I tell you I would scare you away; that's the last thing that I want to--- Just take that damn thing off!
She rips the Breathe-Right off his nose.
Carla: [defeated] Oh, God.
Turk: Baby, there's nothing that could scare me away.
Carla: Ever since we said "I love you" to each other, I've been feeling all this pressure, and wondering about the future -- our future. Like, are we gonna get married? Are we gonna have kids? If so, how many, and when will I get my figure back? Should I keep working? Where're we gonna live? Is my mother gonna live with us? How big a house do we need? How many bathrooms? What if my mother walks in on you while you're in the bathroom, you slip and fall, and I can't afford the funeral costs?
Turk: Okay, that's a little scary.
Carla: I guess...I just need to know you think about that stuff, too.
Turk: Carla! Oh....
He chuckles at the suggestion and hugs her.
Turk: ....No, I don't.
Turk: But I love it that you do.
Turk: Yeah. I think that's what makes this relationship work; we're so different. I keep us in the present, and you look out for what's up ahead.
He kisses her.
Turk: Besides, there is no way in hell your mother is ever going to live with us.
She slaps him.
Turk: I'm serious, if she ever walks in on me while I'm in the bathroom, I guarantee you: she's getting a trip to Florida.
She giggles and slaps him again.
Carla: No she's not!
Turk: I'm telling you -- hey, ow, ow -- she's going to a home!
Carla continues giggling at him.
Dr. Cox is talking to the interns.
Dr. Cox: Now, ladies and germs, I guarantee you that if you get this shorthand down, it has a way of making your day go just a little bit quicker. "C.T.D." of course being "circling the drain" -- your patient is on the way out. "S.O.B." -- "shortness of breath"; and "W.N.L." -- "within normal limits." Elvis, you go ahead and feel free to write this down anytime you want before you leave the building, sweetheart.
Dr. Kelso enters the unit.
Dr. Kelso: You paged me?
Dr. Cox: I didn't page you.
J.D.'s Narration: And that's when Dr. Cox started poking the old bear with a stick.
Dr. Cox: You know what, I'm sick of the old grill-'em-and-drill-'em. What do you say we shake things up a littler bit, here? You kids ask me the questions, and I'll just give you the answers; whatta you say?
Dr. Kelso: Uh, Dr. Cox, could I talk to you?
Dr. Cox: Well, sure you can, Bob, but you're gonna have to go ahead and raise your hand like all the other children.
Dr. Kelso: I--I just think it's inappropriate---
Dr. Cox: Bobbo, now, you've got five good ones right there. Whatta you say you put 'em up in the air like you just don't care.
Dr. Kelso: Get over here. Right now!
J.D.'s Narration: Maybe he felt sorry for Kelso and didn't want to take away the one thing the guy had.
Dr. Kelso: How on earth are they ever going to learn anything....
He continues to yell, but is drowned out by....
J.D.'s Narration: ...maybe he just hated rounds, I don't know.
Dr. Kelso: ...ridiculous! Now get the hell out of my I.C.U! I'm taking over!
J.D.'s Narration: But if you didn't know Dr. Cox like I did, you'd have believed his performance, too.
The opening strains of the Shins' "New Slang" begins to play.
J.D.'s Narration: I guess the key to a lot of things is balance. Whether it's balance of power...
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Simotas, stop smiling!
The young doctor straightens up.
Dr. Kelso: I hate smiling.
J.D.'s Narration: ...balance in love...
Turk and Carla are making love. The camera pans down to floor level, where it views Carla's hand fall and grasp the sheets.
Elliot's Laundry Room
Elliot sits atop her spinning washing machine.
J.D.'s Narration: ...or sometimes just balance.
Elliot gasps with giddy delight and falls right off the washer.
A Patient's Room
J.D. sits at the bedside as the patient sleeps.
J.D.'s Narration: For some of us, it seems too far out of reach...
The lyrics of the song come in.
J.D.'s Narration: ...too difficult to achieve.
J.D.'s beeper goes off. He looks at the display, which reads, "TURN AROUND."
He does so, and at the door stands Alex with a picnic basket in hand.
J.D.'s Narration: ....But the important thing is just to never stop trying...
He greets her and she comes in, spreading out the blanket, flowers, and food on the floor.
J.D.'s Narration: ...especially if you like girls named Alex...and chicken salad.
The song ends. Fade to black.